|
|
Reviews For Where Once Was Light
I want to be clear in this: I think you're writing a story with an good plot and you've got some very engaging sidelines going on as well. Clearly, plotting is a strong suit of yours, and it really shines in this fic. Having said that, there are some areas in which you're clearly struggling. Your characterization, for example, while it is good overall (nobody is acting--in the grand scheme--in a manner I can't believe, with one exception), in the small instances, you sometimes seem to sacrifice characterization for expediency or clarity. For example, Harry and Snape's relationship going from antagonistic to caring goes awfully fast. The end result of them liking each other is believable, certainly, but you have an opportunity to really show us how they argue and make up and learn to get along with each other's faults and strengths, but you've only got two fights (to the point that I read), and both of them minor ones, at that. Next, you have, in some important places, told us things about characters that you might have done better to show. Draco Malfoy is clearly undergoing some rethinking in his worldview, which you tell us in the scene at Malfoy manner. But it would be more powerful if you showed us things like that. Have Draco meet up with Snape or the Weasleys in Diagon Alley and give us a chance to see him in action, as he's beginning to rethink things. By demonstrating with a character's actions what's going on in their head, the message becomes more powerful. Because now your audience hasn't just been given information, they've seen that information in action. You've run into a few minor technical problems with dialogue, but nothing serious. I would recommend reading spoken passages aloud, back to yourself. If it sounds unnatural when you say it, it will probably "sound" unnatural when we read it (with the obvious exception of Snape, who always speaks precisely ;). Also, I'm having trouble deciding if you're writing each scene in a third-person omniscient POV or a third-person limited one. If it's omniscient, be careful not to write too much of a scene inside any one character's head, so that it's not surprising when you bring in a new person's thoughts. If limited, be sure to keep strictly to one character's thoughts and no one else's. My last piece of concrit, and the only thing you've written so far that I've found outright unbelievable, is Harry's resorting, the Sorting Hat being the one character who is doing something I simply can't believe. You have read the books and so have I and everyone, so we all know that no one is resorted. Ever. It's just not a thing that happens. And while Houses often go in family's, they don't always. The Patil twins and Sirius Black are just two examples. I know this is a terribly critical review, so I'm going to tag it at the end by saying again, I really think you've got a good story here. It's got a good plot, and great conflict. I also think it's unfortunate that it suffers from these problems, but I can tell from reading this that you are a good writer and you can overcome those. Having looked at your profile page, I can also tell you're not the sort to quit. So, I will keep reading this story, and look forward to more from you in the future. All the best, Kel :)
And by "you'll find out soon" do you mean in the already posted chapters, or the ones that are coming? 'Cuz I've read this fic before and I don't remember that detail... Author's Response: You're REreading it? 0_o I meant that I'm going to be showing more of Trelawney and Snape and Harry finding things out later, and everything else will be explained in more detail later. Glad you liked Sev in this on. ^_^ Thanks for the review Song!!
Author's Response: ^_^ You'll find out soon. Thanks for reviewing.
Author's Response: Erm...no not Twilight. >_< Not a fan of that series. But you're actually the first to try to guess so I'll give you half credit! :) The graphic novel/movie was V for Vendetta. Love that!! But yay! Glad you liked Luna coming in. I thought Harry could use some more friends. Thanks Drama! I'll update again soon! :)
Author's Response: Thanks. Glad you liked Luna in this. She's great fun I think! XD But yeah, Harry does need some more people to hang around with. But don't worry about him too much longer. He's going to be THE Harry Potter again soon...attitude wise I mean...I think...^_^ But Yeah, glad you like the "not easy route" in this. Nothings going to be too easy for the characters in this story. Thanks for the review Quynce.
Author's Response: Haha! Yeah, Luna's a cutie. Glad you liked it. Thanks for the review Fmh!
Author's Response: Thank you sayuri! Glad you liked it! :D |
|
Powered by eFiction 3.5 |