| Title: Chapter 1
| 30 Jul 2011 10:59 am
|
| Reviewer: Ana laura (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
Omg, please continue, each day I enter tonthis page hopeing to see the "next" arrow lol :p
| Title: Chapter 1
| 26 Jul 2011 8:30 am
|
| Reviewer: Ana laura (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
| Title: Chapter 1
| 26 Jul 2011 8:28 am
|
| Reviewer: ana laura (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
| Title: Chapter 1
| 19 Jul 2011 11:45 pm
|
| Reviewer: PsychWard (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
I´m sorry to say this, but you need a beta. ASAP! Right now some sentences sound like you put them through Google Translate.
I´d love to see what happens in future chapters, though.
Interesting premise, I'd love to see more of it. I only have two pieces of criticism.
One: make sure that the lines between the text are spaced out, else it is hard to read.
Two: make sure to check that you have conveyed what you meant to the audience. For example: "Molly has just informed me that she and her husband are dropping out [of] the order if we don't, let's put it with [in?] her words, control Harry and [keep him from/dis] allow him to talk to the Weasleys."
I am assuming that you meant to say that Molly wanted him to stop attempting to talk with the Weasley's (particularly Ginny), rather than the writing that Molly wanted him [Dumbledore] to continue to allow Harry to speak to them. Is this right?
Overall, I like the idea of the story, it just needs some cleaning up. Please don't take that as an attack on your writing. I look forward to see more.
I like it. The formatting could use a little work but otherwise it's great. Update soon. :D
Author's Response: Thank you for your opinion :) I am aware of the fact that formatting doesn't look so good. I will try to deal with this appropriately in next chapter - hopefully I'll get more friendly with HTML by this time ;)
|