Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 27 Aug 2016 11:42 pm
Reviewer: Miranda (Signed) [Report This]
    Good!
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 27 Aug 2016 4:34 pm
Reviewer: Fmh (Signed) [Report This]
    Thank you an excellent start to the story
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 25 Aug 2016 4:37 am
Reviewer: lilyflower101 (Signed) [Report This]
    Hurry Severus!!!!
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 24 Aug 2016 9:50 pm
Reviewer: Twonky (Signed) [Report This]
    Interesting beginning. I guess Vernon went to get Harry just to use him as a punching bag. I'm glad that Severus took his dream seriously.
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 24 Aug 2016 1:06 am
Reviewer: Lyzasnape (Signed) [Report This]
    Im definitely following this :)
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 23 Aug 2016 11:52 pm
Reviewer: Baghi (Signed) [Report This]
    You need to work on some grammar and punctuation problems, but otherwise a pretty good story.
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 23 Aug 2016 11:03 am
Reviewer: Always1027 (Signed) [Report This]
    I like it, I want to know what happens next!!
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 23 Aug 2016 8:58 am
Reviewer: crazychick84 (Signed) [Report This]
    Aw poor Harry! Glad Severus actually checked on him :)
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 23 Aug 2016 8:33 am
Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed) [Report This]
    Great start! There was a ton of development in this chapter, you did a great job setting up the scene and making a full chapter.

    I liked how Lily appeared to Snape, how happy he was to see her. You did a good job conveying his emotions there. You have a good feel for the characters, I felt that they were all in character.

    A couple of things to work are around speaking and sentence structure. An example of speaking:

    "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey" Severus said.

    add a comma right before the last set of quotation marks, like so:

    "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey," Severus said.

    You will notice that Severus is capitalized, but if you used something else like he or she, it would be lower case:

    "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey," he said.

    If there is no "he said," "she said," then you just end the sentence with normal punctuation (. ! or ?), like so:

    "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey."

    Also please make sure that every sentence is complete. There should always be a subject and it should be able to stand alone. If you read it outloud by itself, it should make sense.

    For example, this sentence does not have a subject:

    Swearing that Harry Potter would never have to return to Privet Drive.

    To make it complete it would have to be written as,

    Snape swore that Harry Potter would never have to return to Privet Drive.

    Here is a website that can explain better about complete sentences: http://libweb.surrey.ac.uk/library/skills/Grammar%20Guide%20Leicester/page_02.htm

    All in all this is a good start! You may want to look into finding a beta editor to read your work and correct it before you publish. Many authors use them.

    Who are the main characters in your story? The characters that the story is mostly about? It seems like a ton of characters are selected in the story info, please edit it to select only the main characters.

    Thank you for writing and sharing your work. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there like that. It's a great start, and it can only get better. :)
Title: Chapter 1 Something's Not Right 23 Aug 2016 4:03 am
Reviewer: MoiraRClip (Signed) [Report This]
    Ooh, I can't wait to read the next installment!

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