Reviews For Everything Is Not What It Seems
I liked how Lily appeared to Snape, how happy he was to see her. You did a good job conveying his emotions there. You have a good feel for the characters, I felt that they were all in character.
A couple of things to work are around speaking and sentence structure. An example of speaking:
"Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey" Severus said.
add a comma right before the last set of quotation marks, like so:
"Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey," Severus said.
You will notice that Severus is capitalized, but if you used something else like he or she, it would be lower case:
"Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey," he said.
If there is no "he said," "she said," then you just end the sentence with normal punctuation (. ! or ?), like so:
"Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey."
Also please make sure that every sentence is complete. There should always be a subject and it should be able to stand alone. If you read it outloud by itself, it should make sense.
For example, this sentence does not have a subject:
Swearing that Harry Potter would never have to return to Privet Drive.
To make it complete it would have to be written as,
Snape swore that Harry Potter would never have to return to Privet Drive.
Here is a website that can explain better about complete sentences: http://libweb.surrey.ac.uk/library/skills/Grammar%20Guide%20Leicester/page_02.htm
All in all this is a good start! You may want to look into finding a beta editor to read your work and correct it before you publish. Many authors use them.
Who are the main characters in your story? The characters that the story is mostly about? It seems like a ton of characters are selected in the story info, please edit it to select only the main characters.
Thank you for writing and sharing your work. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there like that. It's a great start, and it can only get better. :)
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