Reviews For Aeon Nirvana
Poor Severus. He must of got the shock of his life. And Poor Harry. To be half dementor... what happened?!
As for improvement... I did notice some changing tenses. Also, some complex and run on sentences. You might want to look into getting a beta reader.
I'm very interested in the nature of this carnival, and what happened to Harry. Did he try to escape before? Why is he a creature?
I'm looking forward to finding out.
It is interesting that so much time has passed. I wonder what Ron and Hermione are up to now.
Poor kitty Severus, all injured so soon. How big is he? I assume he is full grown. Any special markings? Like one white paw?
The end of the chapter was somewhat confusing. I think, perhaps because the dialogue is written too familiarly from Severus' perspective. The characters are written like they are old friends being introduced, and not strangers to the readers. The names are also very strange... not like nicknames or regular names. They are more like vigilante secret identity names. And there are hints of special abilities too. I'm overwhelmed being introduced to so many characters at once without learning anything about them. It leaves a lot of confusion as to who these people are. But I am interested to find out.
I think it might do better to slowly introduce one, maybe two characters at the end of a chapter like this. It wouldn't be so overwhelming, and then the next chapters can buildup into the others. I'm lacking some defining characteristics to latch on to with these characters. Is the woman in charge brown haired, kind faced, gentle handed? Stuff like that.
The pace of your story is good but a little fast. I think more paragraph breaks might help that. More descriptions will help fill out the pace and tone as well.
I am very intrigued with your story and where you are going to take it. :) Thanks for writing and sharing it!
Thank you for reviewing and liking the story so far as well as taking the time to leave a response. That lets me know someone appreciates the work. His appearance will be described in the next chapter but he has one white leg (left hind leg) for a special marking, currently looking up what maine coons look like in terms of colors. As for how big he is, I would say 4 month kitten with a human age of 6 years (according to a quick look on bing search).
Ah...well the note on the pace is good. I know I didn't want to spend a whole lot of time on the prologue with what happened as I either want to slowly reveal it over the course of the story or, more leaning towards, writing a story as a prequel to this concerning Harry's time from the time he was taken. Currently not sure on that at the moment.
Mmm...duly noted. I have in mind the character or characters Severus will be introduced to in the next chapter. I will try to slow the pacing down and take the note of introducing newbeies into the group. And, well Severus was unconscious in the end so he didn't hear anything that was going on. But thank you again and hopefully my next chapter can be better as well as the story.
Powered by eFiction 3.3