| Title: An Unforeseen Complication
| 24 Mar 2005 12:10 pm
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| Reviewer: kateydidnt (Anonymous)
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Fascinating. Was this an answer to one of the challenges in the HP/SS Gen Fest- I seem to remember something like this being one of the story challenges. *snicker* poor Harry, only able to communicate with Snape..
| Title: An Unforeseen Complication
| 23 Mar 2005 9:02 am
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| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
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WOW! This story is just getting better and better. Incredible. I love the plot, the interaction... Everyone is in character and the mystery/drama is unfolded perfectly. What a gem! You truly have a wonderfuly imagination to come up with such an original story. Good writing too. I'm so happy to have found this. :)
Mentioning some stuff: You keep mentioning Sirius as "another teacher" when refering to Snape. In the last chapter it was in the narration when Sirius first came in and in this chapter McGonagall said it.
I wonder why Harry didn't physically try to get back into his body after the accident, like notice that "he" wasn't where he was supposed to be and try to put himself back in himself. How much time passed from when Harry was hit and the Dursley's came to the hospital? I felt as if it would have.. umm flowed better if something showed that Harry was waiting there for awhile. Vernon's reaction was just fine, perfect almost. When the Wizards came... that was a very sad sight, and beautifully done. I think that you forgot to mention Harry's glasses though, I didn't know if they were on Harry's face or not and I think that that would be a little bit important to mention since it's part of Harry's identity. Umm.. the witches and wizards stopping and seeing Dumbledore with Harry seemed a little out of place. It seemed as if they all knew and stopped, instead of the probably curiousness they would show if Dumbledore were so sad and were carrying a boy.. and only the people close would have realized that it were Harry. Which would have made them shocked and maybe pass on the information to everyone else- and if Dumbledore wanted to keep it quiet, wouldn't they have hidden Harry's identity, covered his face so that no one would know? That was just something that didn't seem so realistic.
This was an awesome chapter. You managed to capture the emotions and feel of it perfectly. The hurt.. Harry's so frightened aas well he should be. Thank you for remembering that even though he's a hero, Harry is still a child. Snape was done wonderfully. Sirius... poor Sirius. This was such a dramatic chapter. I loved how you handled Snape learning the information, the series of events as each person found out. And the end, when Snape heard the sobbing and investigated and found Potter... I loved that part. Such a great chapter.
| Title: An Unfortunate Chance Meeting
| 23 Mar 2005 7:25 am
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| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
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This is a really great first chapter! I am impressed. :) Your characterization of Harry is very well-rounded. You managed to put the important stuff in, while still giving him the 3d feel of a real character larger than what he is in the books. I love the little details you managed to work in, making the narration, characters and setting that much better and real. It was a little weird reading about Dudley taking up most of the space in the backseat as it's hard for me to imagine such an obese person. XD I don't know, it might have been easier if the car had been described as one of those small British compact ones... It's really scary to watch the Dursley's allow their son to become so fat and think it normal. I think that there's something seriously wrong with them. You really managed to capture the mood and mystery when Harry first started walking to the Leaky Cauldron and the mysterious shadow was following. Good job! After this line "Harry knew he had to investigate and find out who it was he thought he saw." I was mentally screaming No, Harry! Don't do it! I mean, he had letters from his friends telling him to be careful and no one on his side knew that he was going to Diagon Alley to watch after him... maybe I'm just so paranoid and I expect him to be paranoid too. If I were him I would have started running to the Leaky Cauldron, not gone back to investigate.
Your strength is really in your off-hand descriptions and the ones worked in. The only thing that I think that you could work on where some of the explanation descriptions- for example the part where Harry investigated the side street you used some words too often (like "street") and the part about him "...looking down another street like a constable in one of those American late-night police dramas" was a little distracting in its sentence structure. You also need to go through and fix a few typo/spelling instances. Two words instead of one, a missing punctionation at the end of a sentence, "Usually" instead of "usual", that type of thing.
Your action scenes are incredible. The accident scene was well done too. I feel that you could have added a stronger emotion that would affect the readers when Harry saw himself lying in the road (about the time when the paramedics came by). The scene in the hospital was well done, it moved and got the emotions across of all involved just enough. Poor Harry. What's going to happen next? :) Lucky me, I get to find out. Reading on...
Love it! Please update soon!
~Torina
I love it! Are you a Yu Yu Hakusho fan by any chance? Story seems to paralell to the anime... Please update soon!
~Torina
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