“If I am never the target of his anger, I will die having never known real fear.”

-Kingsley Shacklebolt

Harry stood so quickly the chair toppled backwards and clattered on the floor. Cleopatra leapt down, and watched him cautiously from the corner. He finally understood it; he could see what would happen if he did not fight out of the stupor he had lived in.

“I can’t stay like this anymore, Sirius,” he forced himself to use the name, and forced the tears away, “I can’t keep mourning for you. I love you and I love my dad and mum, but I have to fight now. You would never have taken this long to start, but I did, and now I need to move quickly. Dad, I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to the actions you did, but I’m trying now. I spent all summer wallowing in my own self pity because they never let me see what else there was.

“The Order didn’t show me what was happening. They never do. They didn’t last year and now you’ve gone through that damn veil, Sirius. The only one who tells me anything is the man that you both hate! Snape’s the only one who doesn’t try to coddle me or shield my eyes from the hardships of the war. Damn it, if they won’t explain anything someone else is going to die. And I can’t handle losing another. I WON’T lose another!

“They don’t get it. I have to fight Voldemort one day. I have to or he will continue to live. According to the prophecy, I’m the ONLY one that can do anything. I don’t want to but I have to. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE!” Harry was screaming at his ceiling and a step from letting magic do things of it’s own accord. He ranted and paced, and his emotion snapped. “I am going to kill Voldemort.” He whispered to himself. “I am going to kill Peter, and I will not stop until I have. No matter what the cost.”

He made the promise to himself, and to his mother and the Marauders and to his friends. He even promised it to Snape.

For every death count he received he would fight harder and for every lie he was told, he would work longer. The spirit of him had nearly been extinguished, but he had managed to find his motivation and nothing would stop him any more.

He threw aside the flimsy mask he had clung to and began to build walls. He drained weakness from his mind and heart, and in its place poured a substance like a liquid diamond that he cooled and forced to his will. There would be no more crying. There would be no more mourning and there would no longer be a voice that restrained him. He would do everything it took, and the world of rock and ice he had built would be the only thing to protect him until the final fight.

Harry coolly climbed down the stairs and opened the lock on the cupboard beneath them. His old room held his things.

Pulling them out all at once, he brought them up the stairs and back into his room. He sat down and began to pen letters, waiting for an owl’s visit.

*~~~*~~~*

Dear Ron,

I need you to send Hedwig back. I need her.

Thanks,

Harry

He handed the letter to the barn owl and returned to the others he was working on. The owl hopped away from Cleo and flew off. Harry stroked the cat’s head and wrote.

Minister,

At this time I require a permit specifically from you stating that I have the right to use my wand and magic outside of school for both this and next summer.

Thank you,

Harry Potter

**

Professor Snape,

I need to know who was assigned to the murder of Arbella Doreen Figg. It occurred tonight, she was a Muggle and lived near me. I also need to know which books contain the best descriptions of anti-poison potions. Send a list of useful supplies and any advice you may have. Please reply immediately and continue to alert me of Voldemort’s movements.

Harry Potter

**

Hermionie,

What is the most advanced book on Defense that I can buy?

Harry

**

He sent the letters and waited, he could do very little at the time. He had to wait for responses before he could move onward, but he lifted his textbooks out of the trunk and began to read through them. For the first time in weeks he fell asleep with a dry face.