Severus Snape was miserable. All he wanted to do was curl up by the fire and drink firewhiskey until he was beyond coherent thought. He wanted to die. But he knew he couldn’t do this, oh no, he had an infant son to take care of. He knew he had to keep it together, if only for him.

It was the night before her funeral. Harry had been distressed all day, crying and waking up from his nap numerous times. He thought of Lily most when he was gently rocking his son back to sleep.

He sighed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

When the sun began to rise, Severus stood up, his face shadowed and dark circles under eyes. He mechanically stood and walked to his room, dressing in his best black robes. The man then walked to his son’s room, picking him up and changing him into the new clothes that they had bought for the occasion. The boy stirred, and Severus stopped his ministrations, waiting for his son to fall back asleep.

Severus walked into the kitchen, Harry in his arms. He took the coffee that the house-elves had left on the table and poured a cup. The dark-haired man knew that he wouldn’t be able to eat much this morning.

They arrived at Hogwarts at noon. Harry was restless, and nothing Severus tried would calm him down. The two walked into the Great Hall and saw Dumbledore seated at the front, standing up as if he had anticipated their arrival.

It was to be a small funeral. Only Severus, Harry, and Dumbledore. Lily had put Severus in charge of the arrangements.

The trio walked out onto the lawn where two coffins were situated near the lake along with a few chairs. Severus’ face was set. His eyes were cold and his face stony. He walked rigidly, determined to keep control.

Harry tugged on his father’s cloak, looking at him with sad green eyes. The boy buried his face in Severus’ chest, little sobs racking his small frame.

Severus swallowed, looking down at the bundle in his arms.

Dumbledore steps forward to take the boy from Severus, but he only clings tighter. Severus minutely shakes his head.

He takes his eyes off his son and looks up to see a small white coffin. His shoulders shake. Is this the only thing I have left of her? He hardly notices the silent tracks falling down his face.

Vibrant green eyes stare up at him. With a small sob, he holds his son close. He vows to always protect their son, the one thing that holds them connected, even in her death.

As Severus stands there, his mind begins to wander. He thinks of the steps he and Lily took to assure their son’s safety.

It was agreed upon that James and Lily would marry, and Lily and Severus’ relationship would be taken as nothing more than a meaningless mistake. Everyone who knew of Lily and Severus’ connection had been wary. It was known that Severus was into dark arts. All who knew Lily had advised her not to get involved with someone like that. Lily insisted that Severus had a good heart. That made it easy for their breakup to seem normal. They would all think that Lily had just finally trusted their guidance; it was either that or they would think that Severus had finally let some of his dark side show and Lily got frightened of it.

Shortly after, James and Lily made a point to make their relationship known. At the time, Lily was already pregnant with Harry, and they had to move quickly to guarantee that no one would suspect anything.

Other steps were also taken to keep the suspicions to a minimum. Severus and James, who had reconciled shortly after the start of Severus and Lily’s relationship, had to act like they despised each other in public. After all, James had supposedly taken Severus’ woman from him. Also, James was known for his active support of the light side. He couldn’t very well show that he was a friend to someone who was allegedly fighting with the very person they were trying to defend against.

And another thing, Severus mused, is that they couldn’t possibly be associated when Sirius Black’s hatred could kill him alone. Only Lily, James, and Dumbledore knew of Severus’ work spying. None of the Order of Phoenix had been informed; it was too dangerous when there was someone who was leaking information. Sirius was well known for his rashness; he could definitely not be told. The risk was too high. Even though James had protested, Dumbledore had been firm on this subject. Severus was now grateful; he could be locked up in Azkaban if Sirius had foolishly shouted his name as an act of revenge for the fate that he was bestowed for betraying his friends.

And then James and Lily were together. Everyone had said that they made the best couple… then Lily had given birth. He couldn’t be there. Severus was only allowed to visit once every few months after they had gone into hiding. He was too afraid to go more often than that. What if he had been spotted? What if he had run into Sirius Black while he was visiting? He was cautious, overly paranoid. And rightly so, by what had happened next…

He should have stopped it, Severus thought angrily to himself. He should have never allowed Sirius to become the Secret Keeper. He should have protected them himself. He should have done everything different. It was his own fault; he knew it. He did everything he could to protect them. It was his duty, dammit! He should have been able to save them! He tried. He should have tried harder. He tried, but it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough, Severus thought brokenly.

The little body in his arms shifted, drawing him away from his desolate thoughts. Severus couldn’t stop thinking about this little miracle. His baby boy had survived. The dark haired man didn’t even want to think about what he would do if he had failed them both. Indeed, it still felt as if he had failed them both; this boy, his Harry, would never again see his mother.

A wrinkled hand landed on his shoulder and he looked over with dark, clouded eyes.

“It’s best not to dwell on what could have been, for reality is definite and what can be changed is the future,” Dumbledore said with his unusually sad blue eyes.

For a moment Severus wanted to shout. He wanted to yell at the old man that he could change things; Lily was not truly gone.

Then the wise man inclined his head to the bundle in his arms, and Severus closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

He had to accept this. For the sake of the loving child in his arms, he had to move on. It’s what Lily would have wanted. It’s what he wanted.

Severus took one last long look at the casket, nodded his thanks to Dumbledore, and walked out the gates of Hogwarts to the start of a new chapter in his life.

For from the closing of this book came the opening of another. His memories of Lily would never cease; they would only go stronger in her absence. But he could do this; Lily’s presence assured him of it. It would be worth it.

And he knew this: for the sleeping baby lying against his chest, peace would reign, even if it were only for this day.