Severus sighed as he stepped into his quarters. Although he called Hogwarts home, he considered his private rooms a sanctuary where he could escape from chattering teenagers and nosy colleagues. The many tomes that he collected over the years were stacked neatly on tall bookshelves that lined the walls. Worn oriental rugs covered the cold gray stone of the dungeon floor and delineated his sitting area from his workspace. The focal point of the sitting area, located on the right side of the room, was a fireplace framed by a mantle made of the same stone as the floor. Across from the fireplace were a coffee table and an ornately carved antique sofa that looked out of place in the otherwise Spartan room. It was upholstered in green velvet fabric and sandwiched between two end tables that each held a candle and stacks of potions journals. On either side of the fireplace were two well-used leather armchairs placed strategically next to the end tables.

After closing and latching the ancient wooden door, he strode to the left side of the room. Unlike the sparse, yet welcoming sitting area, the stone floor on left side of the room was left uncovered. The entire room was well lit by a faux window opposite the entry door that was charmed to show a current view of Hogwarts’ grounds. Perpendicular to the window was his desk, cluttered with stacks of student assignments, quills, and vials of various colored inks.

Severus headed immediately to his desk, exhaling loudly in an attempt to calm his nerves. His anxiety over what the memories contained had mounted during his walk to his quarters. Although the dungeon room was cool, he felt unusually warm, beads of perspiration moistening his forehead and palms. He wiped his clammy palms on his cloak, pulled the memory potion and package of memories out of his pocket, and set both in the middle of his desk. He exhaled loudly; relieved the vials were safe on his desk and didn’t slip from his sweaty grip.

He walked behind his desk and faced a portrait of Salazar Slytherin. Severus didn’t bother with a password and simply waved his wand, causing the portrait to move aside to reveal his sleeping quarters. He shrugged off his outer robe and removed his heavy boots, switching into a pair of more casual loafers in an effort to cool down.

He was exhausted, but he knew he’d never get any rest with the knowledge of vials containing memories from Lily sitting nearby. He hurried out of his bedroom to the opposite wall, waving his hand in front of a painting of a potions laboratory filled with bubbling cauldrons. A doorknob flickered into view and Severus grasped it immediately, throwing open the once hidden door to enter his private potions lab. He knelt in front of a long counter with cabinets underneath and drew his wand, tapping it in an intricate pattern until a number of clicks were heard and the door popped open.

Severus reached into the cabinet head first and pulled out a small Pensieve that fit in the palm of one hand. He didn’t think that when he bought the rune covered basin nearly a month ago that he would need it for any other reason than to keep his past recollections private from Potter. He could have continued to use the Headmaster’s Pensieve during Occlumency lessons, but he couldn’t risk Potter recognizing the basin. The boy didn’t need much temptation to stick his nose in where it didn’t belong, so Severus thought the small, unobtrusive Pensieve was worth the investment.

With a flick of his wrist, the cabinet closed and Severus grasped the worktable with one hand, leveraging himself up to stand. He walked back to his sitting area, warding and locking his lab as he exited. He placed the Pensieve on the coffee table and strode past the sofa to retrieve the box with the memories and potion. After opening the box, he carefully poured the contents of the enclosed spindle-shaped vial into the basin. Severus sat on his sofa and stared as the liquid swirled and sloshed in the vessel. He ran his hands through his hair and put his head in his hands in a last ditch effort to calm himself. It was no use, and with shaking hands he uncorked the memory potion that he brewed and swallowed it, grimacing at the taste. He knew that whatever he would see, he would also feel the emotions as well.

It would be like reliving the events all over again. He took a deep breath and slowly lowered his head to the Pensieve until his hooked nose touched the shimmering surface, sending him back into his past.

-333-

Severus recognized the room immediately as the sitting room in his home at Spinner’s End. However, the place was still tidy and the furniture was still in decent condition. It was all obviously second hand, with the exception of an antique green sofa that stood out like an elderly pureblood in a Muggle’s home. Hearing a cough behind him, Severus drew his wand and turned, only to come face to face with a younger version of himself.

-333-

The younger Severus was sitting on a faded orange chair in the corner, annotating a potions text. It was dark and rainy outside, the wind causing brown fallen leaves to rise up and tap across the windows. The room was kept warm by a fire burning in the hearth and candles flickered on the walls, lighting the tiny space. Wax dripped from the candles onto the wood floor, but young Severus was so focused on his work that he didn’t appear to notice.

Suddenly, someone pounded on the front door. Severus jumped, toppling over his inkwell in his haste to stand up and grab his wand.

“Severus, open the door, please!” a woman’s voice called.

“Lily?” young Severus called, shocked by his obviously unexpected visitor.

“Yes! Open the door!” Lily shouted.

After sufficiently satisfied his visitor was not an imposter, Severus opened the door. Lily was standing there, soaking wet and shivering. She looked upset, her eyes red and puffy. “Can I come in?” she asked softly.

Severus didn’t answer, but simply stood aside. He closed the door and gestured for Lily to sit, then left the room, returning seconds later with a heavy blanket. He saw that Lily had pulled the hood off of her head, causing her wet red hair to become plastered to her cheek. She didn’t seem to care as she sat on the sofa with her head in her hands, dripping water onto the threadbare carpet.

With a bit of wandless magic, Lily was dry and Severus draped the blanket over her still shaking shoulders. He strode over to an aged armoire and pulled out a carafe and two glasses, setting both on the coffee table in front of Lily before cautiously sitting down next to Lily on the sofa.

“Wine?” Severus asked uncertainly as he decanted two goblets of liquor. He thought it would be inappropriate to offer her a calming draught, but perhaps a little alcohol would have the same effect. He was out of his element. He knew how to control an unstable potion, but didn’t know how to help a distraught female.

“Thanks,” Lily said, finally glancing up at Severus from between her fingers as she took a glass of wine off of the table. She sighed and took a sip.

“I didn’t know who else to go to,” Lily stated, tears rolling down her face. “Professor Dumbledore said he’s working on it, but he hasn’t had any new information for three days. I just don’t know what to do,” she sobbed.

“Has someone hurt you?” Severus asked, unsure of how to react. He hadn’t spoken to her in ages and didn’t want to mess things up again. He didn’t know what she expected of him, especially if the great Dumbledore himself couldn’t help her.

Lily shook her head, but continued to cry.

Severus didn’t know what to do. Warily, he reached up an arm and began rubbing her back. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?” he asked a few minutes later when Lily calmed a bit.

‘Maybe Lily finally saw past Potter’s suave façade and wants to leave him. Or she’s tired of Black’s childish antics and needs something more subtle than a hex to teach him a lesson,’ Severus pondered as he waited for Lily to answer.

Lily took a deep, shuddering breath and began, “Since all of the recent Death Eater activity, James has been working overtime for the Order.”

Severus stiffened at the mention of Potter’s name, but Lily was oblivious and too preoccupied to notice.

“We’ve only been official members since after graduation, but the Order’s been stretched thin and they’ve started sending younger members out with more experienced members. Thursday night James firecalled me and said he’d be late for dinner. He was going out with Frank Longbottom to investigate some kidnappings in Ottery St. Catchpole, but promised me he’d be back by midnight,” Lily paused, wiping a tear away as it slid down her cheek.

“I tried to stay up and wait for him, but I fell asleep. When I woke it was morning and James still wasn’t back. I got worried and was about to firecall Dumbledore when Auror Moody and Sirius came to the door,” Lily continued, staring at the hearth unseeingly as she relived the experience.

“I knew something was wrong! They said there had been an ambush. Frank and James were attacked. Auror Longbottom was Obliviated and left bleeding in a field, while James was gone. This note was found wrapped around his wand,” Lily added, holding out her trembling fist.

She opened her hand, revealing a crumpled paper with the words: Let this be a lesson to you all. You can try, but you will always fail.

“They tried to restore Frank’s memory, but all he can remember about the men is that there were four of them wearing Death Eater masks. He saw them stun James and carry him away, laughing about adding another prisoner to their collection.” Lily had to stop again and looked to be struggling to maintain her composure.

“Albus has tried and so have other members of the Order. All the leads have turned into dead ends. We’re all working from the outside, trying to get in. But you are on the inside, aren’t you?” Lily asked, her voice urging him to answer.

Severus suddenly felt warm and was afraid to answer truthfully. He drank a mouthful of wine as he struggled to come up with a way to stall the inevitable. He knew how she felt about the Dark Lord’s philosophy and didn’t want to chase her away when he finally had another chance to make things right with her.

“What makes you think that?” Severus finally asked.

Judging by the look on her face, his delay in responding was equivalent to an affirmative response. His lack of answer only seemed to frustrate her.

“Don’t take me for a fool, Severus! I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think you could help. From what I saw of your association with truly appalling people in our final years at Hogwarts, you are on the inside. Although I’m disgusted by it, you’ve made your loyalties to Voldemort clear. But I’ve known you for far too long to know that you can’t truly enjoy taking part in something so evil! I need you, Sev. You’re my last hope. Help me get my husband back!” she cried.

Severus looked as though he was slapped across the face. He jerked his arm from where it had been rubbing Lily’s back and stood, turning his back to her. He wasn’t expecting this. Although part of him was secretly glad Potter was in trouble, he hated to hear the anger and disappointment in her voice when she spoke of his loyalties. But he didn’t like being used, especially to risk his own life for Potter’s.

“I know our friendship has been fractured since Hogwarts,” Lily began, with hesitancy in her voice, “but if there is any part of you that still cares for me you’ll find it in your heart to help me.”

Severus turned around and found Lily’s piercing green eyes staring up at his face. “Of course I care about you,” he answered, pausing before adding quietly, “I always have and I always will.”

Lily didn’t respond, looking taken aback by Severus’s words.

“I wish to Merlin I could go back in time and change the past. You have to know I never meant to hurt you.” Severus paused, swallowing the lump in his throat before adding softly, “Losing you was the worst thing to ever happen to me. With you I could just be myself, but I cared too much about what other people thought of me and behaved unspeakably horrible towards you. I’m so sorry for how I acted, Lily.”

The room was silent for several minutes as Severus sat intensely focused on the few droplets of wine remaining in his glass until Lily cleared her throat and stated sadly, “After all these years. I had no idea.”

Severus grew uncomfortable. He hadn’t meant to reveal so much to Lily, knowing that she had no feelings for him. So he did the only thing he could think of—diverting her attention off of him.

“More wine?” Severus asked as he decanted two more goblets of liquor. “I’m sorry it's not the best vintage,” he added, apologizing for the cheap wine.

Unexpectedly, Lily reached out and stilled Severus’s hand as he was about to pick up her glass. She tugged slightly on his fingers, grasping his hand in both of hers.

“Thanks for trying to take care of me. I’ve missed you, Sev,” Lily replied as she gently squeezed his hand. Severus felt his pulse speed up. Lily blushed, giving Severus a small smile before releasing his hand and turning her attention to her glass.

Lily was the first to interrupt the few minutes of silent contemplation. “I remember the first time I tried elf made wine,” she laughed.

Severus smiled, “I’m surprised you do. You could barely stand after one glass.”

“You were the one that stole the wine from Professor Slughorn,” Lily responded, a glimmer of mirth in her eyes for the first time that night.

“Only because you dared me to,” Severus countered, taking a sip of his wine. “After years of indulging you in countless games of Truth or Dare, one would think I’d learn my lesson.”

Lily’s expression grew wistful. “Thinking about those times just reminds me how much I’ve missed the connection that we had. You can’t imagine how much you hurt me when you called me a Mudblood. I know our friendship had been falling apart for a while before that, but that was my breaking point. It was like all those years of friendship meant nothing to you. I cared so much about you, Sev. Then you tossed me aside by calling me that name and chose friends like Mulciber and Avery over me.”

She paused, but Severus was too stunned by her words to interrupt her.

“I used to cry myself to sleep. I was devastated. I know it’s silly, but when I was little I imagined us being together forever,” Lily responded with a small smile on her face.

“It’s not silly. I thought the same thing,” Severus admitted. “All my life I struggled to fit in. Then I met you.”

He paused, hands shaking a bit out of nervousness as he took a sip of wine before continuing, “I thought once we got to Hogwarts I’d have friends. When my father wasn’t around, my mother used to tell me stories about how great Slytherin was. Then when I thought my life would finally get better, I was sorted into Slytherin and you into Gryffindor. Potter’s gang sought me out constantly, turning the other houses against me just because I was a Slytherin and different. I couldn’t afford to isolate myself from my house, too. I didn’t have it easy like you, Lily. You’re smart and beautiful. Everyone loved you.”

“Sev, stop,” Lily commanded.

“No, Lily. You need to hear this. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get another chance,” Severus pressed, desperate to tell her how he felt.

“I wish you told me all of this sooner. Why didn’t you come to me for help?” Lily asked, looking sadly at Severus.

“I didn’t want your pity,” Severus answered. “I thought I could handle it, but all I did was hurt you and lose my best friend.”

Severus sighed, and then added, “I’m not trying to make excuses. The things I did and said to you are inexcusable. I wish I wasn’t so selfish. I just want you to understand that I didn’t do it to hurt you. I love you, Lils.”

“Oh, Sev. I’ll never be able to forget the past, but I think it’s time we moved on. I forgive you,” Lily announced, turning towards Severus on the sofa and grabbing his hand in hers.

Severus stared at their entwined hands, unable to look Lily in the eye. He wanted to hear this for years. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” Severus uttered.

“Yes, you do. You deserve that and more. You deserve better than life as a Death Eater, just like you deserved to have a better life when we were children,” Lily stressed.

“Don’t you get it? My childhood was better because you were a part of it,” Severus whispered, looking up and into Lily’s piercing green eyes.

“You know, when I hear you talk like this, it reminds me of the Severus that I met at the playground, back when I thought witches and wizards only existed in fairy tales. Without you, I would have thought of myself as an outcast. Kids were already starting to shy away from me at school because I would accidentally change the color of the teacher’s chalk. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to grow up not knowing who I really was and to have someone nearby that understood me,” Lily reminisced.

Severus didn’t know how to respond. He never thought about how his friendship with Lily when they were younger had affected her. She seemed to cherish him just as much as he cherished his relationship with her.

Lily’s voice interrupted his thoughts, “And if I’m being as honest with you as you have been to me tonight, there’s something I need to tell you, too.”

Lily’s cheeks reddened and she finished her wine and set the empty glass on the table next to Severus’s. “I had the biggest crush on you. When Tuney and I would play dress up, I always imagined you as the person I was getting dolled up for. When I was in my sparkling ballgown, you were the boy I was going to the dance with. When we did each other’s hair, you were the person I wanted to look good for.

Lily paused, taking a deep breath before adding, “And when I put on my white dress and played wedding, you were who I always pictured as my groom.”

Severus looked shocked. “Me?” he choked out.

Lily’s answer to his question was a nod. As she looked up at Severus, a tear fell from her eye and ran down her cheek.

“I’ve missed you,” Lily whispered.

Severus reached out, cupping her cheek and wiping away the stray tear with his thumb, “I’ve missed you, too,” he replied throatily. He had so many emotions coursing through him that he was surprised he was even capable of speech.

Lily’s hand came up to rest on top of Severus’s hand against her face. She reached her other hand up and tucked a bit of his hair behind his ear to better see his previously obscured face.

They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity and then Severus leaned forward and gently kissed her lips.

After a second, Lily returned the kiss. Caught up in the moment, the two were soon breathing heavily. As Lily started to lean back against the cushions, Severus began removing her cloak, his lips never leaving hers. Lily’s hands also seemed to be moving on their own accord, running across Severus’s chest as she unbuttoned his shirt.

-333-

Severus stood in shock as he watched his younger self embrace Lily. The two of them were rapidly becoming intimate on the sofa. Of all the possible scenarios that went through his head when he received the memory vial from Gringotts, this was not one of them. He heard the words that he longed to hear all of these years. Lily forgave him. He felt all of the emotions radiating off of his younger counterpart, amplifying his anguish. Severus was consumed by his thoughts as the scene shifted. He was still in the sitting room of Spinner’s End, but this time there was daylight shining through the windows of the tiny room.

-333-

Lily awoke slowly, her stretching arousing young Severus from his sleep. His arms were wrapped around Lily and she was snuggled up close against his bare chest on the sofa.

“Oh, Merlin!” Lily suddenly shrieked, causing Severus to jump.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, worried and fully awakened by her yell.

Lily jumped up and began gathering her clothes. Severus was in a similar state of undress. A gray blanket fell to the floor as he stood to fasten his belt and struggled to understand what was making Lily so upset.

“I’m sorry I misled you. I don’t know what came over me. I’m married! How could I do this to James?” Lily exclaimed, readjusting her robes.

Severus tensed. Even after the time they spent together last night, it was still all about Potter. He couldn’t hold back a sneer that, unfortunately for Severus, Lily noticed.

She didn’t speak, but the look of sadness that crossed her face broke Severus’s heart. He had just gotten Lily back and couldn’t risk losing her again.

“Don’t worry, Lily. You…we were both very upset last night. He’ll understand,” Snape added in an attempt to comfort her.

“You can’t tell James! Promise me!” Lily begged.

This time, Severus nearly groaned aloud. Telling Potter would be the ultimate revenge for the seven years of torture that Potter and his bullying sidekicks put him through. How could he promise not to tell him?

Before he could answer, Lily gasped, “Oh, Sev! I don’t even know where he is. He could be hurt or…or worse. Is there anything you can do to help find him?”

Seeing Lily so distraught, Severus knew there was only one answer he could give her. He promised himself that he would never do anything to hurt her again and would prove that to her, even if it meant biting his tongue.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of. I promise I won’t say anything. I don’t know where the Dark Lord is keeping him, but I can find out. I can’t make any guarantees, but I’ll do my best to bring Potter home to you,” Severus responded. He was willing to do anything to relieve Lily’s pain, even if it meant reuniting her with her arrogant toerag of a husband.

“Thank you, Severus,” Lily said with a sigh. She looked as though she was struggling to decide how proceed with what she had to say next.

Looking as though she made up her mind, Lily blurted, “It hurts to hear you call that evil wizard the Dark Lord as though he’s someone worth worshipping!”

Severus attempted to interrupt her, but she cut him off, “Don’t even try to justify it! I just wish you’d quit! I saw the mark last night. You can’t imagine how scared I am for you knowing that you bear his symbol.”

Lily stepped forward, grabbed Severus’s hand, and begged, “Come with me to Dumbledore. He can protect you!”

Severus scoffed and pulled away, “Yeah, just like he protected me from Potter and his friends. The Dark Lord’s helping me through my apprenticeship. You know I can’t afford it on my own. He values my service!”

“But he’s just using you!” Lily exclaimed.

“And I am using him. I’ve got access to the most valuable potions ingredients. With him I have a chance to further my research. You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve learned,” Snape countered.

“Who cares how much you learn if he gains power through murder? Muggles, people just like my parents, are being murdered for fun! Caradoc Dearborn’s been missing for months and more witches and wizards are dying in mysterious circumstances every day,” Lily retorted.

Severus was at a loss for words. He knew about the murders and had even taken part in a number of village raids. He convinced himself that what he was doing was okay because people weren’t dying at his wand. But it did disturb him that some of the potions he was making for the Dark Lord were being used for torture. How could he explain all of this to Lily?

Severus’s dilemma must have shown on his face, because Lily quickly said, “I didn’t come here to argue with you, Sev.”

She laughed sarcastically, “I did a lot of things here that I wasn’t expecting.”

Severus sighed, running a hand through his bedraggled hair. “I’m not delusional, but I can honestly say that seeing you with James doesn’t make me happy. I wish we could be together, but I know my foul behavior in the past ruined any hope that I had about us being with one another. I’ll always love you, even if I can’t change who you want to be with.”

Lily turned to look Severus in the eye, “I don’t want to hurt you. You’ll always have a special part of my heart and I’ll always wonder what could have been. But I love James, too. We promised ourselves to one another. I can’t just let all of that go after a one night reunion.”

Lily stepped towards Severus, reaching up to rest her hands on his cheeks. “I’m so happy you’re still the wonderful person I knew you to be.”

“Just promise me you’ll think about what I said,” Lily sighed.

“I will,” Severus reluctantly answered.

Lily gave Severus a hug and added before moving to the door, “I love you, Sev, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

She opened the door and stepped out onto the doorstep. Turning back to Snape, she added, “Thank you. Be careful.” With that, Lily disappeared with a crack of Apparition.

-333-

Snape stared at the open door along with his younger self, astounded. This was all it would have taken. If he remembered this meeting with Lily, he knew he would have turned to Dumbledore sooner. He could feel the emotions of his younger self and knew he was having a serious change of heart.

Instead, he foolishly followed the Dark Lord like a good little minion, spying on Trelawney’s meeting with Dumbledore and getting Lily killed.

He didn’t understand. Why would Lily take this memory away? Was she afraid that he would tell Potter of his wife’s infidelity? Before Severus could absorb what he just saw, the room shifted and he once again took his place against a wall.