“EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Five year old Harry Potter tore through the halls of Hogwarts, screaming like a tin whistle, as a puffing Hagrid lumbered after him.

“C’mere, Harry!” the giant panted. “C’mon now!”

Sirius Black sprinted around the corner, drawn by the seemingly frantic screams of his godson. He jerked to a halt, wand extended, as he saw the child bearing down upon him with Hagrid in hot pursuit. “No! Wait!” he gasped, realizing a collision was imminent.

Harry, every inch as perceptive as his godfather but significantly smaller and more nimble, dove between Sirius’ legs. He got clear a split second before Hagrid barreled into the smaller man, knocking both flying.

“What in Merlin’s name is going on?” A hard hand closed on Harry’s shoulder and yanked him to his feet, as people hurried up from all directions.

“Unca Severus!” Harry clutched at his other godfather’s leg. “Save me!”

“From Hagrid?” Severus asked incredulously.

“Uh huh!” Harry nodded vigorously. “He’s gonna make me give Irving back!”

Snape glanced over to where Hagrid was groaning on the floor, clutching his stomach where Sirius’ head had impacted. For his part, Sirius kept trying to get to his feet, only to collapse backwards as his eyes refused to focus. Dumbledore, Sprout, and a crowd of students were trying to help. It appeared that they had that crisis well in hand; Snape turned his attention back to the dark haired child before him.

“And just who is Irving?” Snape asked sternly, bending down to look Harry in the eye.

“My new friend!” Harry happily thrust out his right arm. “Say hello, Irving,” he ordered in Parseltongue.

Snape reared back in horror as a Deathly Adder hissed mere inches from his face. The black and green snake was the most poisonous serpent in existence. There was no known antidote to its venom and even minute amounts were deadly. “Put it down!” he cried, frantic.

“But he might get stepped on, Unca Severus,” Harry said, frowning in confusion. “Do you want to get down, Irving?”

“No, thank you. There are too many Big Feet around here. And I am not hungry at the moment.”

“He says he doesn’t want to get down, Unca Severus,” Harry translated politely.

“He what? You can understand him?” Snape gasped. Seeing his godson casually handling such a deadly creature was terrifying enough; finding out immediately thereafter that the boy was the only known parselmouth in existence was yet another shock he could have done without.

“Uh huh. Can’t you?” Harry asked innocently.

Snape forced himself to set aside this latest revelation and deal with the immediate concerns first. “No, I – Wait a minute. Does Irving belong to Hagrid?” Severus demanded furiously, already confident of the answer. Who but that dimwit would have such a dangerous creature on school property?

Harry abruptly looked guilty. “Um. Maybe.” Seeing his godfather’s expression, Harry quickly added, “But Irving wanted to take a walk, Unca Severus. He said so!”

“And did you ask Hagrid’s permission?” Severus demanded, folding his arms forbiddingly.

“Ummm.” Harry wondered if he could get away with a lie. He sneaked a look back over his shoulder. Hagrid was still groaning, though six students had managed to prop him upright. But he figured that all too soon he’d be able to answer Uncle Severus’ questions. Uncle Sirius was still muttering happily about “pretty birdies going tweet” so he probably wouldn’t be coherent for a while, but Harry decided sadly that he’d better own up. Although it was likely that Hagrid would try to protect him from punishment, the giant was so incapable of remembering anything but the absolute truth – and so hopeless at not spilling everything he knew – that Harry had quickly learned not to use Hagrid as a co-conspirator. “No,” he admitted sadly.

“Is that why he was chasing you through the halls? To retrieve Irving before someone was hurt?”

“Yes,” Harry said in a tiny voice, peering up at his godfather through his fringe. He could see that Uncle Severus was getting pretty angry. He just hated it when Harry did something dangerous, though Uncle Severus was – in Harry’s opinion – a big weenie when it came to defining “danger”. To him, everything fun was dangerous: flying on a broom, feeding the Giant Squid, playing Quidditch with the big boys, talking to Deathly Adders… The only person more unreasonable than Uncle Severus was… oh no! Nana was going to be really cross!

Abruptly Harry was a lot more apprehensive.

“And why exactly were you screaming like a banshee?” Severus pressed, his face in the forbidding glower that reduced first years to tears.

Eyes fixed firmly on the ground, Harry lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “It was fun,” he mumbled. “I just thought we were playin’.”

“Ah, Severus, I see you have caught the young rascal,” Dumbledore bustled up. “I understand from Hagrid that Harry may have a certain friend with him,” he said delicately.

“The creature is wrapped around his wrist, Albus,” Snape said coldly. “I trust you have something in which to safely transport the serpent?”

 “Bye bye, Irving. I think you’ve got to go home now,” Harry said sadly. “Thanks for playing with me.” 

“Goodbye, little speaker. We shall talk again soon.” Irving obligingly slithered into the glass container that Albus had conjured up.

“I trust you will speak with Hagrid about the wisdom of having such a creature at Hogwarts?” Snape said. Dumbledore did not reply – he was too busy staring at Harry.

“Headmaster? Headmaster? Albus!” It finally took a poke before Dumbledore jerked and focused on Snape’s face.

“Oh, er, yes, Severus. Very dangerous. Yes… Was that – Did Harry just speak –“

“Why, yes,” Snape said casually. “Weren’t you aware that Harry is a parselmouth? Forgive me for not mentioning it earlier.” The expression on Dumbledore’s face was worth every grey hair that the brat had caused him by practically sticking the snake up his nose. “We will leave you to take care of matters here.”

“Oh. Yes. Of course.” After one last, searching look at Harry, the Headmaster tottered back to where Hagrid was now merely moaning and rubbing his stomach in distress.

“And as for you, you miserable little wretch,” Snape said, turning to his godson. The nearby students looked shocked at his language, but Harry was entirely unfazed.

“’M sowwy, Unca Sevewus,” he lisped, trying his sad puppy dog expression. “I didn’t mean t’be naughty.”

“You are a disgraceful brat. Look at the chaos you have caused!” Severus waved an arm over to where Sirius continued to stagger as if someone had hit him with a jelly-legs jinx. He was still dazed and babbling about the “shiny stars”. Severus felt his lips curling into a grin and ruthlessly squelched his mirth. He and Black were getting along much better now compared to their schooldays, but seeing him wonky-eyed and wobbling was still great fun. Suddenly he found he wasn’t nearly so irritated with his godson. “Did you know that Hagrid would run into Uncle Sirius?” he whispered to Harry, bending close.

“Ye-es,” Harry admitted hesitantly. He knew if their positions had been reversed, Uncle Sirius would have been rolling on the floor with laughter, without a thought in his head of punishment. Uncle Severus thought it was funny too, he could tell, but Harry also knew that Uncle Severus wasn’t going to admit it. Or forget that Harry’s naughtiness had caused it.

Then in the distance, Harry heard the distinctive “click click” of a very familiar set of shoes as they marched briskly down the hallway.  Uh oh! He needed to do something awfully quick, or Nana would be the one to deal with him.

“Well,” Uncle Severus said, a happy gleam in his eye as he watched two Ravenclaws help Sirius lurch off to the Infirmary, “I suppose that since you didn’t mean to be naughty…”

“But I was!” Harry said frantically. “Vewwy naughty!” Of all times for Uncle Severus to drop his Evil Bat of the Dungeons routine!

“Yes, well –“

“I was going to put Irving in your bed,” Harry blurted out. “I thought it would be funny to see you yell. And I was going to pretend that I thought you’d like him ‘cause you’re a Slyvverin and he’s a snake.”

Whew! Now Uncle Severus didn’t look so happy. “You were going to what?” he demanded. “You little fiend!” He mumbled a quick spell, then spun Harry around and landed a smack on his bum. The swat echoed around the corridor like a gunshot and the watching students gasped and clucked in horror at their evil professor’s cruel treatment of poor little Harry.

“Owwwwww!” Harry yelled, screwing up his face in distress. His hands flew to his backside to protect it from further brutal assaults.

Uncle Severus didn’t even pause. He brushed Harry’s hands aside and slapped his bottom again. “You do not kidnap poisonous snakes, young man!” he scolded. “And you do not plan to put them in people’s beds!” He swatted Harry a third time, making the students jump and quail at the loud and terrifying whack his hand produced against his unlucky godson’s backside.

 

By now, most of the surrounding students were green with fright. After such a dreadful spanking, poor Harry wouldn’t be sitting anytime soon, and Snape actually liked him. What would the Evil Bat do to them if they were ever foolish enough to misbehave in his classroom?

Harry burst into noisy tears just as his Nana hurried up.

“My goodness, what on earth happened here? I just saw Sirius being taken up to Poppy, and the entire sixth year class of Hufflepuffs are busy helping Hagrid back to his cottage, while Albus is wandering around with a snake in a bowl. Shall I assume Harry has something to do with all this?” Professor McGonagall asked calmly, eyeing the scowling Potions professor and her sniveling ward.

“Unca Sevewus smacked me,” Harry whimpered pitifully, anxious to point out that salient fact before any of his sins came to light. He carefully didn’t mention that said smacks hadn’t hurt in the least.

“And he deserved every swat,” Snape said defensively. He was already berating himself for spanking Harry in such a public forum, and so hard too! Obviously he had misjudged the force of the whacks. The child was in too much distress. Harry was simply a bit mischievous; there was no reason to have been so firm with him.

“Yes,” Minerva said drily. “I could hear them from down the corridor.” She barely avoided rolling her eyes. Really, if Severus wanted to disguise the fact that he barely tapped the boy by using a noise-amplifying spell, that was one thing, but he needed to keep the sound to a believable level. Even the students, who were all too willing to accept Snape’s Evil Bat persona at face value, would start to suspect something if every time he swatted Harry it made the windows shake.

Harry nervously eyed his Nana. Had she bought it? If she thought Uncle Severus was punishing him, then she wouldn’t, but if not… Harry was under no illusion as to which of the two was the sterner disciplinarian. What was more, not only did Nana’s swats sting lots worse than Uncle Severus’, but she also came up with really awful punishments, like no flying or having to help Mr Filch clean the castle.

On the rare occasions when Uncle Severus actually spanked him hard enough to hurt, instead of just making a loud and scary noise while giving Harry’s bum a light pat, the unpleasant tingle faded within a few moments. Even better, Uncle Severus’ punishments usually revolved around Harry spending time with him in the dungeons, making potions. Uncle Severus didn’t seem to realize that since Harry liked making potions, these were fairly ineffective punishments, but Harry wasn’t about to point that out to him.

“I’m sure you will impress upon Harry the error of his ways,” Minerva said, giving Harry a Look. “Just as I’m sure that Harry will have learned his lesson?”

“Yes, Nana!” Harry promised, clutching Uncle Severus’ leg for protection. “I’ll never make Hagwid wun into Unca Siwius again, an’ I’ll never take one of Hagwid’s pets wifout permission, an’ I’ll never, ever put anyfing into Unca Sevewus’ bed,” he assured her.

That last point reignited Snape’s ire. He bent over and smacked Harry on the seat again. “And you will pronounce the name of my House properly. This lisp of yours is an annoying affectation.”

Harry let out the obligatory howl for the onlookers, while tightening his grip on Severus’ leg. “An’ – an’ I will say ‘Slytherin’ pwoperly,” he added quickly, giving his godfather a reproachful look while rubbing his bum with his free hand. That swat had actually stung a bit. He’d forgotten how touchy his godfather could be about his House.

“If you don’t say ‘Gwiffyndor’, I’ll not have you mangling ‘Slytherin’!” Severus snapped, while the students loudly tsk’d at this latest example of Professor Snape’s unreasonable treatment of the boy.

Harry accepted both the rebuke and his smarting bum philosophically. Good point – he knew he needed to work on making the lisp more consistent. He sneaked a glance at Nana and saw the laughter in her eyes. She knew perfectly well that he wasn’t about to mispronounce her House’s name!

“All right, then I’ll leave Harry to you, Severus,” Nana said, eyeing both fondly. Harry sagged in relief. The tingle in his bottom was fading fast, and he had no desire for Nana to rekindle it. “Behave, little one,” she admonished, leaning over to kiss him. “Try to stay out of trouble, at least until suppertime.”

“Yes, Nana,” Harry said obediently, then was pulled away by a huffing Severus.

“It’s just like your Nana to leave all the unpleasant tasks to me,” he muttered darkly, tugging Harry through the corridors. “Oh, yes, I get to be the mean one, giving out all the swats and punishments, while she gets to do bedtime stories and Albus rots your teeth with his lemon drops and Sirius is nothing but a playmate. But no, I have to be the adult and make you hate me.”

Harry stared up at him, shocked. “I don’t hate you, Unca Sevewus!” he exclaimed.

Snape glanced at him, genuinely surprised. “Of course you hate me. I just spanked you.”

“But it didn’t –“ Harry slapped his hand over his mouth just in time. He had nearly told his godfather it didn’t hurt! How dumb would that have been?

“It didn’t what?” Severus asked, puzzled.

“It – um –it didn’t make me hate you,” Harry said, thinking fast. “Cuz I know you only did it cuz I was vewy – er, very – naughty, and you spanked me so I would learn not to do it again.” There. Would he buy it? He peeked up at his godfather and saw Snape was pressing his lips together hard in an effort to avoid showing emotion. Awww. “I know you only punish me cuz you love me, Uncle Severus. And I love you too.” He accompanied his words with a heart-melting look and placed his hand on Snape’s arm.

Snape fought back tears. What had he done to deserve such a godchild? And who could have predicted that Lily’s personality would so overpower that idiot Potter’s? Really, it was easy to forget Harry was James’ child when he had none of the arrogance and troublemaking nature of his father. Rather, Harry was a kind, thoughtful, clever little boy whose intelligence and curiosity sometimes made him do things that could appear naughty. Snape maintained his poker face with the skill of long practice, but inwardly he resolved to see about getting Harry that new broom he wanted. Minerva insisted he was too young, but if he got Sirius to side with him – which he would; after all, it was a new toy for Harry – then she might give in purely to encourage the two men to find common ground more often.

Harry sighed with satisfaction. Now Uncle Severus wasn’t sad anymore, and from the look on his face, Harry would be getting a “just because” present pretty soon.

Snape cleared his throat. “Yes, well, you are correct in that, but you are still going to have to be punished for your actions today.” He led the way into his quarters. Harry happily bounced onto the sofa.

“Okay,” he agreed amiably. At Snape’s look of confusion, Harry quickly amended, “I mean, awwwww! You already smacked me, Unca Sevewus. No more punishment!”

“Yes,” Severus informed him heartlessly, wondering if he should get some bruise salve for Harry’s bum. “You can start by writing apologies to Hagrid and Sirius. You can also make them each a nice ‘get well’ card.”

“Okay,” Harry nodded cheerfully. He liked to draw.

“And you are not allowed to visit Hagrid without Nana or me or Uncle Sirius – wait. Forget that. You are not allowed to visit Hagrid without Nana or me from now on.”

Hey! That wasn’t so okay. “But Unca Sevewus,” Harry protested, “Hagwid loves me to visit! And I love to visit him too!”

“And today proved that the big dolt has creatures there that are much too dangerous for little boys to play with,” his godfather retorted, unmoved. “I don’t know what he was thinking to show you a Deathly Adder!”

“Um…” Harry dug one toe into the carpet guiltily.

Snape hadn’t been a teacher without learning a few things. “Harry! You mean he didn’t show it to you?”  Harry shook his head, not meeting Severus’ gaze. “Then how did you see it?”

“I – I sorta was looking around Hagwid’s hut while he was making tea and getting out de wock cakes,” Harry turned up the lisp, expecting his godfather to take exception to this next part, “and I saw a cage dat was all de way under de bed and behind some boxes and –“

“And in fact had everything except a ‘HARRY, DO NOT TOUCH THIS’ sign on it, isn’t that right?” Snape demanded furiously.

“Yes, Unca Sevewus,” Harry agreed dolefully, hanging his head. He wouldn’t have been surprised to have gotten another swat – even one that actually stung – but instead Snape sat down heavily in a chair and just looked at him. It was something so like what Nana might have done that Harry was nonplused.

“Aren’t you mad?” he asked after another minute passed and Uncle Severus still hadn’t started to yell.

“No, Harry,” Snape replied, and for once his snarky voice was devoid of irritation, genuine or otherwise. “I’m too upset to be mad.”

Harry’s eyes widened. This was unprecedented. Uncle Severus was always angry, or at least he pretended to be. It was Nana who never got mad. She just got very stern and her eyes flashed, and that was Harry’s signal to start begging for forgiveness – or running for Uncle Severus. “Why are you so upset?” he asked worriedly, climbing into Severus’ lap and peering into his face, as if the answers would be there.

“Because I’ve just realized that you are still a very little boy.” Snape replied with a sigh. “Your Nana and I are so accustomed to dealing with older children, I think we forget that you’re still so young. You can’t understand things like consequences. If one of the students were to do something so foolish as to ransack Hagrid’s home looking for dangerous creatures, I’d know they were just being willful and disobedient. But you, Harry, you just truly don’t understand what could have happened today.”

Harry felt an unaccustomed heaviness settle in his chest. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made Uncle Severus so upset. Oh, sure, he regularly reduced the man to shouting and dire threats, but Harry knew that it was all a big act. This was no act. Uncle Severus was really, really frightened and sad, and it was all Harry’s fault.

He put his little hands on both sides of Snape’s face and stared at him anxiously. “Don’t be sad,” he ordered, his voice cracking. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

His apology didn’t lighten the worry in his godfather’s face. “I know, Harry. It’s not your fault. You’re only five. You shouldn’t be given so much unsupervised time. You’re too young to take care of yourself properly.”

“No, I’m not,” Harry argued, feeling tears prickle his eyes. He knew how proud his Nana and Uncles were of him; they were always saying how grown-up he acted (most of the time). Now Uncle Severus was saying that they were wrong, that Harry’s behavior today proved that he wasn’t as grown-up as they had thought. Harry began to wish he had never decided to play scavenger hunt in Hagrid’s hut without the giant’s knowledge or permission. “I can do it, Uncle Severus. Don’t say that.”

“Harry, do you have any idea what could have happened today? What if you couldn’t speak to the snake? What if he had been so frightened by you that, before you could say anything, he had bitten you? What if it had been some other creature that you couldn’t talk to?”

Harry sniffled miserably. Uncle Severus was really, really disturbed. Harry must have done something just awful. “I didn’t know it was so bad,” he whimpered. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Harry,” Severus enfolded him in a hug. “You could have died. You don’t even understand what that means. You think getting a spanking is the worst thing in the whole universe. You don’t understand about the consequences of your actions.”

“But a spanking is bad,” Harry argued, tears spilling out. “It – it hurts,” Well, at least Nana’s hurt, he clarified silently. “And I cry, and you and Nana always say you swat me only when I’ve been very, very naughty becuz it’s such a bad punishment.”

“Oh, Harry,” Severus sighed. “You’re just a little boy. You can’t understand how some things are much worse than a spanking. Like dying or being so sick that you want to die or making someone else feel that way. How do you think Hagrid felt when he realized that you had taken his snake? The snake that was so dangerous that he went to all that trouble to put it away safely?”

Harry hiccupped through his tears. “I guess he was scared. And angry.”

“Probably more scared than angry. After all, Hagrid loves you very much. Why do you think he was scared?”

Harry couldn’t bear to look at his godfather. He felt so ashamed of himself. He had stolen. And from Hagrid – who was always so nice to him. What a bad boy he had been! “I think he was scared cuz he didn’t know what might happen.”

“That’s right. Why did he put the snake away so carefully?”

“Cuz Irving’s dangerous?”

“Yes. And what do you think he was scared of when he realized you had taken it?”

“That Irving might hurt me? But he wouldn’t, Unca Sevewus! He’s my friend!”

“But did Hagrid know that? Did you wait and explain it to him?”

“N-no,” Harry sobbed, collapsing against Snape’s chest. “ ‘M sorry!”

“And what if the snake –“ Snape refused to call a deadly serpent ‘Irving’ – “- had gotten loose and hurt a student? Someone who couldn’t talk to him the way you can? How would Hagrid have felt then? How would you have felt knowing that you were responsible for someone being hurt?”

Harry just gave up and bawled. Now he understood why Uncle Severus was so upset. “I’m sorry, ’m sorry,” he wept.

Snape sighed and hugged the boy. Merlin, he was good. “I know, Harry, but you see, you’re still too young to understand the consequences of your actions, and until then, you are not going to be allowed to go anywhere that might be dangerous, and that includes Hagrid’s hut. Until you’re older, you can only go there with Nana or myself.”

Harry still wanted to argue, but he knew his godfather was right. He hadn’t thought of all these things. He just thought it would be nice to show Irving around the castle, and then when Hagrid had come running after him, he thought it would be fun to pretend it was a chasing game. Now, though, he understood how worried Hagrid must have been – and Uncle Sirius too, when he came tearing around the corner, frightened that Harry was really screaming for help. What a stupid boy he was! He was even dumber than that first year who’d walked too close to the Whomping Willow and nearly gotten thumped to death. How could his Nana and Uncles ever trust him now? He hugged Snape more tightly and cried and cried.

It took several minutes for Harry’s storm of tears to abate, and then, curled in Severus’ lap, he asked the question which had begun to worry him as he realized the full extent of his misbehavior. “Are – are you gonna spank me some more?” he hiccupped, face pressed against his godfather’s chest. He waited nervously. Something told him that if ever his Uncle Severus were going to give him a real walloping, it would be for this.

Snape hid a smile. “I suppose I should,” he agreed austerely. “But my hand still hurts from spanking you so hard before. So I’ll just have to come up with a different punishment.”

Harry relaxed. Okay, so as weird as Uncle Severus had acted – just like Nana in a lot of ways! – he still wasn’t totally changed. “Yes, Unca Sevewus,” he said obediently, sitting up and wiping at his face.

Uncle Severus sighed again and produced a handkerchief. He mopped up the tears and then had Harry blow his nose.

“Now then,” he began. “No dessert for a wee-“ Snape saw Harry’s horrified expression and changed his mind. “- for two days. And an early bedtime for the next week. If you can’t behave like a big boy, you don’t get to stay up like one, you horrible brat.” Harry nodded. He didn’t like the early bedtime, but if he could get one of his godfathers to put him to bed, there was a good chance that they’d use up the extra time with more stories. “And I’ll talk with Nana –“ Harry’s eyes grew wide with fear “ – about our needing to provide you with more supervision.” Oh. Harry relaxed again. He didn’t like that, but he couldn’t really complain either. And getting more time and attention from the adults he loved wasn’t all that awful either.

“Now,” Uncle Severus said sternly, hoisting Harry to a more upright position, “how long have you been talking to snakes?”

“I dunno. A long time,” Harry answered immediately. Now that he knew the worst of his punishment – which wasn’t really very bad at all – and now that he was reassured that his Uncle Severus still loved him even though he had been very very naughty (even bad), he felt much better. He didn’t know why Uncle Severus wanted to know about his conversation with Irving, but he was happy to accommodate his godfather by talking about it.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone you can talk to snakes?” Severus demanded, marveling anew at the idiocy of children. Harry could prattle on for hours about a meaningless conversation with the Bloody Baron yet be inexplicably silent on something like being a parselmouth.

“I did!” Harry protested. “I did – I told Nana that I had made a new friend named Jimmy and she said I should invite him for tea, an’ I did, but then Jimmy said snakes don’t like tea. And I told you about Mavis, and you asked what House she was in and when I said she wasn’t in a House but a garden you told me not to play with gnomes cuz they can bite. An’ I tried to tell you she was a snake not a gnome but you was brewing and told me to play quietly. An’ I told Nana and Uncle Sirius about my friend Janey who lived in the forest, and they said that I had a very good imagination, and –“

“Enough,” Snape interrupted. “And it’s ‘you were brewing’ not ‘you was brewing’.” So that solved the mystery – he and the other adults had assumed that Harry was talking about students or imaginary friends. Hardly a surprise, really. He eyed Harry. “Who ever heard of snakes being named Jimmy and Janey and Mavis?”

Harry scowled at him. “They’re good names! The snakes like them!”

Severus scoffed. “I do not believe that snake mummies and daddies are going around naming their babies Mavis and Jimmy.”

Harry fixed him with a haughty stare which Severus failed to recognize as his own classroom sneer. “Unca Sevewus,” he said severely, “snakes do not have mummies and daddies. Dey awe eider ovipawous – which means dey lay eggs – or ovovivipawous – which means dey pwoduce live offspwing. However, in bot’ cases, when de young emerge, dey awe fully independent and…”

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a good thing that Harry would not be spending so much time at Hagrid’s anymore. Being lectured by a five year old on natural history was very irritating. Especially when the five year old knew more of the technical terms than the average adult.

“Enough,” he ordered firmly. “You are not to approach snakes in such a haphazard fashion. Haven’t we taught you about not talking to strangers?”

Harry nodded. “But you never said anything about snakes, just people!” he protested indignantly.

Snape glared at him. “Talking is talking, is it not?”

“I guess so,” Harry admitted sulkily.

Ha! Severus preened. It wasn’t often that he got to out-argue the brat. James’ glibness had definitely been inherited, along with Lily’s quick thinking. “Then you are to be just as careful when speaking with strange snakes as with strange humans.”

“But snakes are nicer than humans,” Harry objected.  Severus didn’t doubt this for an instant.

“Even so,” he replied sternly. “You must exercise caution and courtesy. How would you like it if someone burst in here and grabbed you up?” He suited action to words, much to Harry’s delight. “And then carried you off?” he continued, draping Harry upside down over his shoulder and heading towards the child’s room.

Harry giggled happily. It was usually Uncle Sirius who went in for roughhousing, not Uncle Severus, so this brief bout was all the more special for its rarity. Severus gave the child a gentle shake. “How do you like this? Hmmm?”

“EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Harry shrieked as his godfather's long, cool fingers wrapped around his ticklish tummy. “Help! Help! I’m a poor little snake! Help!”

Uncle Severus tossed him carefully onto his bed. “All right, you naughty little snake,” he said, pausing for a moment to gloat over the nickname. Minerva would have a stroke if she heard him calling Harry that; she and Black were supremely confident that Harry would end up in Gryffindor. “Get busy with the cards for Hagrid and Sirius. They’d better be ready when I finish brewing or there will be no dessert for you!”

Harry nearly pointed out that he’d already lost his dessert privileges but quickly thought better of it. If his godfather didn’t remember, why should Harry bring it up? “Yes, Unca Sevewus,” he said obediently, scrambling off his bed and heading to his coloring supplies. “Will you help me charm the pictures later?”

“Maybe. If I have the time,” Snape sniffed. It wouldn’t do to let the brat think he was a complete pushover.

Harry glowered at Moaning Myrtle. Of all of Hogwarts’ ghosts, she was the one he liked the least. She never had any interesting stories to tell, and mostly she just whinged about boring things like the people who’d been mean to her back when she was alive. Worst of all, of course, was that she was located in a girls’ lavatory, a place that Harry was well aware boys should never go. Unfortunately, when he tried to point this out to Esmeralda Pinfold, the Hufflepuff who was babysitting him, she had been unimpressed.

Granted, it was his own fault for wandering off the last time Esme had gone into the toilet, something Harry noted adolescent girls seemed to do with perplexing frequency and usually in groups. She had told him to wait right outside for her, but Nearly Headless Nick had come by and asked if he wanted to see what Peeves was doing to some Ravenclaw third years he had trapped in a classroom. Esme had been frantic and near tears by the time she found him three corridors away.

Seeing her so upset had made Harry feel awful. He really liked Esme – she was not only nice but also one of the most intrepid of his babysitters, more than happy to explore old sections of the castle with Harry. But she had also been told by Professor Snape in no uncertain terms that she was not to let Harry out of her sight, and when she had lost him, the thought of having to confess her sins to Professor Snape had made her quake with terror. Once she found him, she put her foot down. No longer was Harry allowed to wait outside the girls’ toilet for him. From now on, he had to come in with her so that she was sure he stayed put.

Harry had started to pitch a fit, but abandoned his complaints when he saw that Esme’s fear of Uncle Severus had made her intractable on this point. Besides, Harry remembered, Esme had four younger siblings, and she could only be pushed so far.

She had trumped his threat to hold his breath until he turned blue with her own warning that if he didn’t shape up right now she would deliver him to Nana’s classroom with a full report of his misbehavior. Harry promptly cut his losses. He had a very good idea what Nana’s reaction would be, should Esme make good on her threat, and he had no desire to spend the rest of the day confined to his bedroom – with or without a stinging backside.

“I’m sowwy, Esme,” he said penitently, giving her “sad puppy dog eyes” as he peeked up through his fringe. “Pwease don’t be mad. You’re my favorite sitter. I don’t want you to stop liking me.”

“Oh, Harry.” She rolled her eyes. “You are just adorable when you want to be – and a total brat when you don’t.” Her experience as a big sister made her more impervious to Harry’s blandishments than were most students – or Harry’s godfathers, for that matter.

Harry squirmed. No wonder Nana liked Esme so much. The Hufflepuff was like a younger version of her!  “I just don’ wanna go in the girls’ lav and have the other boys laugh at me,” he whined, genuinely distressed.

“Well, I don’t want to be turned into potion ingredients by Professor Snape!” she retorted, paling at the mere thought of what the Evil Bat might do to her if any harm befell Harry while she was watching him.

Esme wasn’t completely hard-hearted, though, and so she agreed that if the issue arose again, they would find the most out of the way lavatory possible, so as to prevent anyone from witnessing Harry’s “humiliation”.

That, in turn, was what had brought them into Myrtle’s demesnes. Between the leaky toilets and the ghost’s whining, few students chose to use the lavatory or even travel down the adjacent corridor. Esme vanished into one of the stalls, while Harry tried not to get into an argument with Myrtle.

“No one likes me,” the ghost lamented. “They never come to visit or anything. It’s terrible not to have any friends.”

“Maybe more people would visit if you weren’t so gloomy,” Harry suggested with unfortunate accuracy.

“I’m not gloomy!” Myrtle yelled angrily.

“Harry!” Esme scolded from inside the stall. “Don’t upset Myrtle!” Doing so tended to make toilets overflow – sometimes as fairly spectacular geysers – and Esme was in quite a vulnerable position at the moment.

Harry sighed heavily. Girls! He tried a different approach. “Okay, maybe you should think of a reason that people would want to visit you.” He paused, trying to imagine such a turn of events.

“This is the best lavatory in Hogwarts,” Myrtle admitted, mollified. “You’d think people would want to come just to see it.”

Harry couldn’t suppress a snort of derision. “This? The best?”

“It is too!” Myrtle glared at him. “No other toilet has its own ghost or special carvings.”

Harry looked around. “What carvings?” He couldn’t see anything special.

“Here!” The ghost smirked triumphantly as she pointed out two tiny stone snakes.

“Oooooh!” Harry had to admit they looked very lifelike. “Since you’re in a girls’ toilet, you must be girl snakes. I’ll call you Sophie Snake and Sara Snake.”

 “Thank you, little speaker!” Harry gasped in surprise as the snakes moved around at his words. “For all the many, many years we have been in existence, none has ever deigned to name us. You show us great honor.” 

“I don’t like the name Sophie,” the left-handed snake objected.

“Do not argue with the speaker!” the right-handed snake hissed angrily.

“No, no – that’s okay. How about Susie Snake?” Harry suggested.

 “Oh, that’s much nicer.” “Harry? What are you doing out there?” Esme called worriedly. “I’m almost done.”  

“I’ll have to go soon,” Harry said sadly. “It was nice to meet you. I wasn’t expecting to meet talking snakes in a toilet.”

 Sophie – er, Susie – was affronted. “This was not always a lavatory for Big Feet, little speaker! I will have you know we serve as guardians of a very great secret!” 

“Oooooooh! A secret! Really?” Like most children his age, Harry loved secrets. Unlike most children his age, though, he lived in a magic castle where discovering secrets could be incompatible with longevity. For this reason, his Nana and godfathers did their best to dissuade his insatiable curiosity, though with only limited success. Uncle Severus had taken to reading Harry a Muggle story about a curious little elephant, glancing at him meaningfully as he described what happened to the elephant and commenting darkly on how sensible the childrearing practices of the elephant’s relatives sounded.

Harry didn’t mind the pointed looks Uncle Severus gave him when describing how the little elephant was spanked for indulging his curiosity. It was a good story and Uncle Severus was really good at doing all the different voices, a talent Snape took great pains to hide from everyone else – particularly Uncle Sirius. Harry’s particular favorites were the squeaky sounding Kolokolo Bird and the Bi-Coloured-Python-Rock-Snake, whom Uncle Severus always made sound like Nana.

Despite these efforts on the part of the adults in his life, Harry was not about to ignore Susie’s dramatic announcement. “What secret? Please tell me!” he begged.

 “It would hardly be a secret if we just blurted it out to every speaker who walked by,” Susie replied maddeningly. “We were given this task by Master Slytherin himself.” 

“The Master of Slytherin?” Harry asked in surprise. Since when did Uncle Severus talk to snakes?

 “On the other hand,” Sarah put in, “since you are a speaker, all you need to do to learn the secret, is to tell us to open.” 

“Open?” Harry echoed blankly.

A loud grating noise made him step back in alarm as the wall and floor in front of him abruptly dropped away. Three things happened at once: Esme came bolting out of the stall, shouting in alarm. Myrtle began to shriek, and Harry – startled by the noises behind him – slipped on the edge and fell into the dark opening, instantly vanishing from sight.

##

Professor Severus Snape was using a rare free period to grade student essays when he first heard the screeching. It appeared to be coming from the corridor outside his office and it was – alarmingly – getting louder. Snape toyed briefly with the idea of casting a silencing spell and letting some other faculty deal with whatever idiocy the students had gotten themselves into, but he glumly realized that, this deep in the dungeons, some of his Slytherins were likely to be involved.

Sure enough, a few seconds later, his door burst open to reveal Elsa Laughton, one of his fifth years, dragging a hysterical Hufflepuff by the arm.

Snape rose from his seat and stalked over to the girls, his robes billowing menacingly. “And just why have you seen fit to deposit a shrieking Hufflepuff on my doorstep, Miss Laughton?” he demanded icily.

“Myrtle – lav – snake – fell!” the distraught girl sobbed incoherently, clutching at Snape’s arm.

Snape fastidiously plucked his sleeve from her grasp. “Surely Madame Pomfrey is more suited to deal with such ramblings, Miss Laughton.”

“But sir, when Pinfold came tearing out of Myrtle’s lavatory, she was screaming for Harry! That’s why I grabbed her and brought her to you,” Elsa gulped. “I think she was babysitting him and something happened and –“ But Snape had already bolted from the room.

Elsa looked over to where Esmeralda was now sobbing pitifully and even her Slytherin heart was moved to pity. “Come on, Pinfold, let’s go find your Head of House. Maybe she’ll be able to calm you down and figure out what happened. Not that I think she’ll be able to protect you from Professor Snape….” Esme’s wails broke out anew.

Severus skidded around the corner and flung himself into Myrtle’s toilet. He stood for a moment, stunned by the sight of a gaping hole where a wall was supposed to be, then without further hesitation, he jumped through the opening.

Harry whimpered to himself as he stared wide eyed around the dim cavern. One second he had been up in the girls’ lavatory and the next he was here, wherever that was, in a stinky, scary dark place without a single grown up.

Harry was quite a brave little boy, but this was a little too much adventure even for him. He felt his eyes fill with tears, and he suddenly wished with all his heart that Nana or one of his godfathers were right there with him. Instead, though, he was all alone and the shadows loomed menacingly around him.

He forced himself to stand up and shuffle forward, thinking there might be a door or even a portrait with someone who could tell him where he was. He was sure Esme would go get help, but who knew how long that would take? Harry wanted to get out of there right NOW. Before any of those shadows grew claws and fangs and ate him.

The floor was littered with crunchy things that Harry didn’t want to think too much about. He realized, to his dread, that the darkness was only getting worse, and he suddenly decided that maybe Uncle Severus wasn’t such a weenie after all. There really were things that went bump in the night, and they all lived RIGHT HERE. He gave up on being brave and adventurous and began to bawl.

Severus tumbled onto the cavern floor and instantly drew his wand. “Lumos!” A bright light flared and he scanned his surroundings for Harry. He could hear sobbing coming from up ahead, and he rushed in that direction, only dimly registering the crunch of bones beneath his boots.

“Harry! Harry!” he shouted, swinging the wand from side to side to ensure he didn’t miss the little boy.

“Unca Sevewus!” Suddenly Harry shot out of the shadows and swarmed up his godfather, climbing the lanky man’s frame like a monkey. He grabbed Severus’ neck in a death grip and wound his legs around the professor’s waist. “You came! You came!” he sobbed over and over into his godfather’s ear.

Severus just stood for a moment, overcome with relief. He clutched the boy tightly to him. He was all right. Harry was all right.

It took several moments before the two respective heart rates slowed to something close to normal. As might have been expected, Harry recovered first.

Harry took a deep shuddering breath and wiped his nose on his godfather’s shoulder. Now that Uncle Severus was here, suddenly the shadows didn’t look so threatening after all. The terrifying shapes had melted away, revealing themselves to be meek little alcoves and tables. In the light of his godfather’s Lumos, the things that go bump had fled, and Harry looked around with interest.

Uncle Severus was here, so Harry felt safe and warm… and very, very curious.

Severus, meanwhile, was still trying to calm his racing heart. When he had seen that abyss yawning before him, he had been certain that Harry would have broken bones, if not worse injuries. Finding the little boy unharmed was more than he had dared to hope.

“Where are we?” Harry asked, his little voice piping up out of the gloom.

Severus took a deep breath and cleared his throat, ensuring that his normal voice would emerge and not the panicked shrillness that had previously been heard. Happily, Harry had been too hysterical at the time to notice. “Where are we?” he repeated, scowling at the boy in his arms. “We are someplace that naughty little boys have no business being! I should spank you so hard you can’t sit for a week!”

Untroubled by what he knew to be an empty threat, Harry nevertheless pouted at Uncle Severus’ tone. “It’s not my fault! It was Sarah and Susie’s fault! They made the big hole, and then Esme yelled and Myrtle screamed and I got scared and fell. An’ besides, Susie said you told them to keep it a secret. You shoulda told them not to open the door like that – it’s dangerous.”

Severus blinked, bemused by the realization that Harry was telling him that something was dangerous. Apparently the child really had been frightened by his unintentional entry into this… place. “Well, all right then,” he said, less harshly. “I suppose if it was an accident then you won’t be punished, you annoying child. But what do you mean I told them about this place?”

Harry huffed. “That’s what Susie said. You’re the head of Slyvv- er, Slytherin, an’ she said that’s who made them guards here.” He paused.  “Where is ‘here’?”

Snape’s mind worked frantically to answer that very question. Surely it couldn’t be… But if it was warded by a Slytherin – or perhaps even The Slytherin? He glanced around and excitement began to build. Yes. It could be. Almost certainly… There had been rumors, legends even, of a secret chamber built by Salazar Slytherin himself. A place where he kept all his secret notes and Potion journals. If this were it and some of those notes – or, Merlin! Even some ingredients? – were still intact… Snape tried not to drool at the thought of finding the private papers of one of the most talented Potion Masters of all time.

But no. He had a responsibility. He had to get Harry out of here. The child had suffered a serious fright. He was surely traumatized and needed to be returned to the castle proper for –

“Unca Sevewus?” Harry asked hopefully. “Can I pwease get down and look around?”

Severus jerked in shock. “Aren’t you scared?”

“Not anymore,” Harry answered honestly. “Pwease? It’s an adventure isn’t it? Just for us?” He paused, a crafty gleam entering his eye. “Unca Siwius will be vewy jealous.”

Severus glanced around, trying to appear nonchalant. That arrogant mutt, Black, was always filling Harry’s head with exciting tales of life as an Auror. It would certainly be nice to be able to compete for once and have a little adventure of his own – one that had nothing to do with Death Eaters or Dark Lords. Besides, what possible danger could there be? Nothing had been down here for decades, if not centuries, and they were already past Slytherin’s wards.

“Well… I suppose it would be helpful if we took a look around before leaving,” he agreed casually. “I’m sure Uncle Albus will want to come down here later, and it would be nice if we could tell him what to expect.”

Harry grinned and wiggled out of his godfather’s arms. Just as he was about to explore the nearest dark corner, Severus caught him by the arm. “Do not touch anything. Look with your eyes, not your hands, or –“ he used the ultimate threat “- I will tell Nana.”

Harry’s eyes widened. Uncle Severus wasn’t kidding! “Yes, Unca Sevewus,” he agreed, nodding furiously.

Severus let him go and started looking around. There was probably a door to a Potions Lab around here somewhere, though likely it would be hidden…

“Unca Sevewus, what’s this?” Harry asked, digging around in the detritus on the cavern floor and holding up a grayish white object.

Snape looked up and fought not to scream. “A human skull,” he eventually replied with brittle calm.

“Ewwwwww! Cool!” Harry exclaimed, delighted. He peered into the eye sockets.

Don’t frighten the child. Don’t frighten the child. Severus cleared his throat again. “It has probably been here for many hundreds of years, Harry, and you should treat it with respect. What’s more: what did I say about touching things?”

Harry put it back as if it burned his hands. “Sowwy!” He glanced at Severus nervously. “Are you gonna tell Nana?”

“That was your only warning,” Snape replied sternly, but he was already distracted by some runes scribbled above an alcove.

Harry sighed in relief and went back to his exploring.

“Who – is – there?” A deep voice echoed in Harry’s head, and intrigued, he looked around. “Who stirs in the Chamber? Who has trespassed where none may come? Who has awakened me?”

“Unca Sevewus, what does ‘trespassed’ mean?” Harry asked curiously.

“It means to go somewhere you’re not allowed,” Snape replied abstractedly.

“But you’re a professor, so you’re not trespassing, right? And I’m wif you, so I’m not, right?”

“Mmmm.” It looked like it might be some weird form of Latin, written backwards and upside down, rather than actual runes, he mused.

“Beware, violators! You have disturbed the Chamber – now you will suffer the penalty!”

“Unca Sevewus, what does ‘violator’ mean?”

“Someone who breaks the rules.” Or actually, rather than Latin, it might be Old English. Or possibly French. Or German. Maybe. Snape gnashed his teeth. He had always hated languages at school.

 “It has been long – too long – since I have eaten. I smell blood, fresh meat and bones… Violators, prepare to be consumed!” 

“Unca Sevewus, what does ‘consumed’ mean?”

Severus sighed impatiently and didn’t turn away from where he was puzzling out the runes. Writing. Whatever. “It means eaten. Where are you getting all these new words, Harry?”

“De big snake is saying dem,” his godson replied calmly.

Snape spun, his wand coming up as he searched the floor for a snake. His eyes hunted wildly for a snake around Irving’s size, and he looked right past the basilisk three times, because he simply couldn’t imagine anything that big being alive. Then his eye caught the movement of its coil, and he choked, as he realized that what he had taken as the base of a pillar was actually one coil of the enormous serpent. “B- B- B-“ he stuttered, his brain frantically trying to process that he was mere feet away from one of the most dangerous Dark creatures ever encountered, and one that had been considered extinct for some time.

Harry looked over at his uncle curiously. Why was Uncle Severus making that funny noise? And he had gone that funny greeny-white color. Wasn’t he feeling well? Harry walked over and tugged on his robe. “Are you okay, Unca Sevewus? I won’t put this snake in your bed, I pwomise.” He glanced over at where the giant creature was still slithering into the room. “It wouldn’t fit anyway.”

Snape slammed his eyes shut as his brain finally emerged from its terror-induced paralysis. “Close your eyes!” He hissed, grabbing Harry and clamping one hand over his eyes.

“Hey!” his godson protested, automatically reaching up to drag his godfather’s hand away from his face.

“No, Harry!” Severus’ tone made the boy freeze. “Don’t move! That’s not a snake, it’s a basilisk! Don’t look at it!”

Harry obediently dropped his hand, but he was confused. Why was his godfather so upset all of a sudden? It was almost like the time when he had stumbled upon Uncle Sirius reading that funny magazine with all the happy ladies in it. He had climbed onto the chair to see what was making his Uncle whistle like that, and suddenly Uncle Sirius had clamped his hand over Harry’s eyes in just the same way.

Nana had been very cross with Uncle Sirius when she found out about his choice of reading material, and she explained to Harry that it wasn’t polite to stare at someone – even a picture – when they had no clothes on. But snakes didn’t usually wear clothes, so why was Uncle Severus so upset?

“Excuse me,” he called out to the snake. “Are you supposed to have clothes on?”

 The basilisk stopped short. “You are a Speaker? And – what did you just ask me?” 

“I was just wondering if it was rude to look at you becuz you’re s’posed to have clothes on.” 

“What kind of ridiculous question is that? Only you foolish humans wear clothing! What kind of Speaker doesn’t know such things? Or do you try to jest before I eat you? Truly, you are no more than a fool in motley!” 

Harry did a slow burn. He didn’t like being called names. “Don’t you call me a fool! You’re just a dumb ol’ snake!”

The basilisk hissed in outrage. “How dare you! I am no snake! I am a BASILISK, you impudent human!”

Harry knew what “impudent” meant, having been called it plenty of times by Uncle Severus, usually in conjunction with the term “brat”. He stuck his tongue out at the creature. “Nyah nyah, you’re nothing but a stupid snake!”

Unaware that his godson was engaged in a name-calling contest with the basilisk, Snape tried frantically to think of a plan. He couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough not to tell any of the other professors what had happened, but had simply ran to the lavatory in a blind panic and leapt after Harry. What had he been thinking? At the very least he should have sent his Patronus to Dumbledore or McGonagall or even the mutt.

With luck Laughton would have dragged Pinfold to another faculty member by now, but who knew when the first rescuer might arrive? And they would likely make the same mistake he had, imagining this to be an old, disused chamber and not the lair of an incredibly powerful magical creature.

No, Severus couldn’t expect rescue. He had to do something to save Harry, at least, from the basilisk. But what? He couldn’t apparate. He couldn’t hope to escape the creature by running – the thing was bigger than the Knight Bus. Even if he knew where he was going, he was certain it could outpace him, and he was, quite literally, blind.

He mentally replayed his impression of the chamber in his mind but could think of nowhere that he and Harry could hole up, safe from the snake. He could launch a preemptive strike, with a blasting curse or incendio, but he doubted that any single spell would be strong enough to kill the monster outright, and if he missed or didn’t disable it, then its return strike would surely kill both of them. He kept his wand up, pointed in the direction the basilisk had last been, and hoped his hand wasn’t shaking too badly. His other hand remained clamped around Harry’s eyes to keep the boy from looking at the creature.

He thought of magicking something into a portkey to whisk Harry away, but he worried that the instant he turned his focus away from the monster, the basilisk would attack. He cast a Protego over them, hoping it might be enough to repulse an initial attack, but the creature’s sheer size would quickly overwhelm any shield he could create.

He slid one foot behind him, feeling for the wall, and he heard the basilisk slither closer. He froze, breathless. What to do? What to do?

“Don’t you call me a snake, you wretched little creature!” the basilisk said furiously. “You have the manners of an ill-bred lout! How dare you burst into my home and insult me! I shall feast on your bloody corpse, scrawny though it is.” 

“I’m not scrawny!” Harry yelled back, just as angry. He wasn’t sure what most of the other words meant, but “scrawny” he knew. “And you better not swear, or my Uncle Severus will hex you!”

 “You expect that I will fear this Uncle Severus?” the basilisk sneered. “I fear no mortal! I answer only to Master Slytherin himself!” 

Harry scowled. “My Uncle is the Master of Slytherin, you stupid stinky snake!” 

“Foolish, prattling idiot! You know nothing!”

 Harry was now livid with fury. How dare a snake call him names! “You take dat back!” he screamed, shaking his finger at the basilisk, oblivious to Severus’ hand over his face. “Don’t you call me names, you bad BAD snakey!” 

“You do not give me orders, little, scrawny, lying Speaker,” the basilisk shouted back. “Salazar Slytherin is Master here!”

Severus abruptly realized his godson was hissing and jerking around underneath his hand. “Harry! What are you doing?” he demanded.

“Unca Sevewus!” Harry said, nearly sobbing in rage. “Dis bad snake is calling me names and telling lies! Aren’t you head of Slytherin?”

“Yes, of course I am,” Severus said blankly, “but…”

 But Harry was back, sneering at the snake. “You’re the dumb one, stupid stinky snakey! My Uncle says he is too the head of Slytherin!” 

“My Master bows to no one! Your Uncle lies!” 

“Ooooooh, now you’re gonna get it!” Harry crowed triumphantly. “Wait’ll I tell my Uncle on you!” 

The basilisk was beginning to get a trifle uneasy. It was used to terrified, weeping victims. Occasionally one tried to flee, but never in its entire existence had one insulted it and hurled threats. What was more, it could scent no deception in the tiny human standing before it. The human truly believed what it was saying. A tendril of doubt niggled at the back of the basilisk’s brain. How long had it been sleeping?

“Unca Sevewus! Hex the snake! It’s being VERY naughty!” Harry commanded. “It says that you’re a liar! Punish it! Punish it!”

 “Little speaker!” The basilisk decided it could always eat the rude little human later. It would do no harm to make sure of a few things first. “Who is this uncle of yours? Where is Salazar Slytherin?” 

“I’m not gonna talk to you anymore,” Harry announced haughtily. “You are a meanie, and you call people names. I don’t like you.”

“Harry, are you talking to the basilisk?” Snape demanded. “What is it saying?”

“Answer me, annoying human! Do as I command!”

“Bppppllllth!” Harry made a rude noise at the monster.

“Harry! What was that?” Severus snapped.

 “I was ignoring the bad snake, Unca Sevewus. It wants me to answer its questions, but I won’t. So there!” he hissed at the basilisk. 

“What questions?” Severus demanded.

Harry sighed. “They’re stupid questions, Unca Sevewus. Cuz it’s a stupid snake. I don’t wanna talk to it anymore. It’s mean and rude and ugly. Did you hear that? I told my uncle you’re mean and rude - and ugly too!”

“Don’t you dare be rude to the basilisk, Harry James Potter!” Severus ordered angrily. If they had a hope in hell of getting out of here, it was going to be due to the basilisk’s mercy. “You apologize right now.”

“Nooooo, Unca Sevewus,” Harry whined. “I don’t wanna!”

“NOW!”

Harry sulked, but he knew better than to defy Uncle Severus when he was in A Mood. “My Uncle says I have to apologize for being rude to you,” he said grumpily.

 “Ha, ha!”  the basilisk laughed, making the little boy grind his teeth in fury. “Obviously your uncle is more well bred than you are and realizes the honor due to one of my kind.”

“No,” Harry snapped back. “He just doesn’t speak Snake so he doesn’t know what a prat you are. And you can’t tell him I just said so either, so ha, ha, to you!”

 “Don’t call me a snake, you little idiot! I told you I am a basilisk, though I imagine it is too difficult a concept for such a moron as you.” 

The basilisk was beginning to remind Harry of that snotty Draco kid his Uncle Severus sometimes had him play with. “I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you,” he chanted.

“Did it really escape your notice that I am much larger and smarter than a snake?” the basilisk snarled. “How dumb are you anyway?” 

“You may be bigger but you’re not any smarter,” Harry shot back. “I’ve talked to lots of snakes and you’re nothing special.” 

Severus gave Harry a little shake. “What are you saying? Have you answered its questions yet? What is it saying now?”

 Harry sighed loudly. “My uncle wants me to answer your questions. What did you want to know again?” 

“Stupid human. I asked who your uncle is. What is an ‘uncle’ anyway?” 

“Well, he’s not really my uncle. He’s actually my godfather.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Well, my mummy and daddy died when I was little, so I live here at Hogwarts with my Nana and my two godfathers. They take care of me and I do what they tell me.” 

“Ah. You are his slave. You are not a very good slave, scrawny little rude human,” the basilisk said loftily.

“I am not his slave!” Harry yelled.

“Why are you yelling? What are you saying?” Severus asked anxiously. “Didn’t I tell you to be polite?”

“He says I’m your slave!” Harry said, nearly in tears of anger and frustration. “And he’s calling me scrawny!”

Severus fought down his irritation. “Harry, it’s practically the size of a Quidditch pitch; to the basilisk, Hagrid is scrawny.” Harry giggled a little at that, and some of his anger abated. “Now come on, Harry. Be a good boy and try to make friends,” Severus coaxed.

“Dis snake is even worse dan Draco,” Harry sulked, but he turned back to the basilisk. “Okay, so what else do you want to know anyway?” he whined. “I’m tired and want to stop exploring.”

The basilisk blinked and reconsidered. Obviously the annoying small human had never even considered the possibility that it would not leave the Chamber alive. Perhaps the larger human which had been so quiet and still was more powerful than it had first thought? There must be some great magic here in order to make the little human so confident as to be offensive. “Where is Salazar Slytherin?” it asked, suddenly feeling uncertain.

“Who? My Uncle is a Slytherin, but I don’t know a Salazar. Hang on. Let me check. Unca Sevewus, de snake wants to know where Salazar Slytherin is. Is he one of the new students?”

Of course! Slytherin was reputed to have had a basilisk familiar! Snape had always dismissed the tales as apocalyptic, but apparently they were true, and somehow the wizard had managed to put the creature in some kind of magical stasis or hibernation. “Harry, you know who Salazar Slytherin is! He was one of the Founders of the school.” Snape gritted his teeth. He knew he shouldn’t have let the mutt be the one to explain Hogwarts history to Harry. He probably mentioned no one but Godric Gryffindor. “Tell the basilisk that I am sorry to say that Salazar Slytherin has been dead for centuries, but the House he created still stands.”

 “He’s dead,” Harry reported bluntly. “For a really really long time. But he made a House, and my Uncle’s the head of it now.” 

“Your uncle is the Heir of Slytherin?” the basilisk asked, in tones of amazement. “How can this be? He is not even a Speaker!”

Harry was stung on his uncle’s behalf. He decided to take a page from Draco’s book. “My uncle is too busy to be boddered talking to snakeys like you all day. That’s why he has me do it for him,” he informed the basilisk in the haughtiest of tones.

 “Hmmm. There was another who woke me… He was a Speaker. Where is he?” 

“I don’t know!” Harry had reached the limits of his patience. “But my uncle is the head of Slytherin now and your Master is dead, dead, dead.” 

The basilisk thought, but there was really only one path open to it, much as it might wish to avoid it – and the annoying little human who stood upon it. It sighed. “Tell your uncle that I will be his familiar. I was created to serve the House of Slytherin, and as its head, he is now my Master.”

Harry blinked, impressed. “Unca Sevewus, it says you’re its new master.”

Severus nearly staggered back from the shock. “What! Harry, are you sure that’s what it said?”

 The basilisk saw the larger human’s reaction and got nervous. “Little annoying Speaker, what is wrong? Does your Uncle already have a familiar?” 

“No,” Harry reported. “But I don’t think he wants one.”

The basilisk blinked in shock. Rebuffed? A wizard was rejecting it? “Tell your Uncle that I am a very good familiar!” it ordered huffily. “He will not be disappointed in me.”

“Harry, please thank the basilisk for the enormous honor it shows me, but explain that I – I am not suited to accept it as a familiar,” Snape said, sweating as he tried to think of a way of declining without offending the monster. All he wanted to do was to get the two of them out of here and wall up the basilisk again.

“He says he doesn’t want you,” Harry reported, bored now.

 The basilisk thrashed in agitation. It would never live down this shame! “What sort of wizard is your uncle?” it asked suddenly. “As head of Slytherin, does he emulate Salazar? Is he a Potions Master as well?” 

“My Uncle Severus is the best Potions Master in Britain!” Harry boasted. Then, feeling a bit disloyal, he added, “And my Uncle Sirius is the best Auror. And my Nana is -”

The basilisk ignored his later statements. “Then surely your uncle will want the basilisk venom and scales that I can provide. They will make him the most sought-after Potions Master in the world.”

Harry duly relayed the statement and watched his Uncle Severus’ face take on a dazed, dreamy look. “Okay, you win,” he informed the basilisk. He knew Uncle Severus only got that look when something he was brewing was going really, really well.

 “Excellent,” the basilisk drawled. “Tell my new Master that I will need to be fed before much longer. And I would like new quarters. I am bored with these. And tell him that he can let you look at me. Now that I have accepted him as my Master, I will only kill on his command.” 

“… So it says we can look at it.” Harry finished, sounding as bored and hungry as he was. “Can we go now, Unca Sevewus? I want my tea and biscuits!”

Severus kept his hand over Harry’s eyes and didn’t open his own. What if the creature were lying? What if his Protego was somehow preventing the monster from attacking them, and it was trying to trick him? What if – The basilisk got tired of waiting and, moving its enormous head until it was nose to nose with Snape, it flickered out its tongue and tickled his cheek.

Snape’s eyes flew open automatically, and he found himself staring into the eyes of a basilisk. “Hello, Master,” the monster hissed politely.

“It says hello,” Harry sighed, much put upon.

It took Severus three tries before he could get his voice to work. “H-hello,” he managed. “Er, Harry, tell the basilisk that if it will wait a short time, I will talk with the Headmaster and arrange its meals and new quarters. Perhaps something close to my laboratory…”

“Will you ask Hagrid to help take care of it?” Harry asked, bouncing excitedly. “It’s as big as a dragon, an’ he’s wanted one of those for a long, long time!”

“Yes, probably,” Severus agreed absently, still thinking of all the potions he could use basilisk ingredients in.  “Oh, and tell it that it’s not to kill anyone at all unless I tell it otherwise.” Hmmm. Severus’ attention drifted – temporarily – away from his potions. Having a basilisk at his bidding had real potential. If a Death Eater meeting could be arranged for the nearby Forbidden Forest… The carnage his basilisk could produce would certainly put a crimp in the Dark Lord’s plans and further safeguard Harry.

Snape grinned wolfishly as an even better idea occurred to him. Oh, the prank possibilities of a basilisk! Now he could finally pay Black back for his little trick during their schooldays. Black had only had a mangy werewolf to work with, after all. Severus admired the basilisk. This would be fun.

“Now can we go, Unca Sevewus?” Harry moaned. “I’m hunnnnnnngry.”

 “Spoiled little slave,” the basilisk tsk’d. “I have been waiting several decades since my last meal.” 

Harry shot a glare at the serpent. Now that Uncle Severus was no longer blocking his view, he had to admit the creature was pretty scary looking. Hmmm. Maybe he could talk Nana into transfiguring it into something a little smaller and less menacing. Maybe an afternoon as a bunny rabbit would teach it some manners…

Happily plotting their respective mayhem, Harry and his godfather returned to Myrtle’s toilet, only to find Sprout, Sirius, Pomfrey, Dumbledore, and McGonagall all worriedly arguing over who would go down into the Chamber and who would remain behind. “As grateful as I am for your belated and inefficient but doubtless well-intentioned rescue efforts,” Severus announced sarcastically, “you can see that they are unnecessary.”

“Pup!” Sirius yelped, grabbing Harry up. “That Hufflepuff thought you were a goner! Are you okay?”

“Let me see him, Sirius!” Pomfrey ordered, trying to get close enough to run a few diagnostic spells.

“Are you all right, my boy?” the Headmaster asked Severus worriedly, as McGonagall hurried over.

“Harry and I are fine, Headmaster,” Snape replied. “Is Miss Pinfold still among the living?”

“Oh, Severus, she’s been so worried!” Pomona Sprout sighed. “Can I go and reassure her that you’re not angry with her? She was so careful to keep Harry with her, just as you said, and she could hardly have expected, well, all this.”

“I agree,” Severus agreed austerely. “She will not be penalized for her actions, though Miss Laughton has earned ten points for Slytherin for bringing her to me.”

Sprout smiled and went to tell Esmeralda that she could stop filling out those transfer requests to Australian schools. “What happened down there, Severus?” McGonagall asked. “Harry keeps talking about a ‘big, stinky snake’. Did you find something?”

Severus toyed with the idea of telling them that he’d found Gryffindor’s diary, just to watch Black race down there and encounter the basilisk. But no, he sighed, Minerva would hex the snot out of him if he did. “Beyond bones and dust? Only Salazar Slytherin’s familiar.”

Dumbledore’s eyes lost their twinkle. “Slytherin’s familiar was a basilisk!”

“You found its body?” Minerva guessed. “No wonder you seem so pleased! Think of all the potion ingredients you can make from the skeleton.”

“Actually,” Severus smirked, “the basilisk is still using its skeleton. It is very much alive,” he ignored the gasps from the others, “and has decided that the head of Slytherin House is its rightful Master.”

Dumbledore blinked rapidly. “But – that – you? I – you?”

Severus nodded. “I now have the only known basilisk familiar in existence. Headmaster, I would appreciate it if you would ask Hagrid to take charge of its dietary requirements, and you will need to inform the castle that it requires new quarters. I assume that you agree these inconveniences will be offset by the increased security such a guardian will bring to the castle? Good. And now, if you will excuse me, I have some letters I wish to write to Potion Master acquaintances.”

“Nana!” Harry yelled. “I want my tea! And then I want a bath!”

The adults in the room turned en masse to stare at the child. Harry requesting a bath? Voluntarily?

“That was a really stinky snake,” Harry explained.

“Well,” a rather pale Nana said, taking Harry by the hand, “this truly is a day of miracles.”