When the snow started to fall thicker, Lily went back to Hogwarts. To keep up the pretense against her parents, she had only visited Snape the one time to see how big Harry was getting. She promised she would send money to buy him more nappies and outfits, and at the end of January, a package arrived in the mail full of Galleons.

“Guess what, Harry?” Snape said dryly. “Mum sent just enough for Dad’s birthday to go to Hogsmeade and get sloshed with his old friends.”

He knew he was a terrible example when Harry scooted toward him and said something that sounded suspiciously like, “Sloshed.”

Things got even better when, just after he pocketed the money, Arthur Weasley stepped through the fireplace with his children following behind. He coughed a bit, dusted ash out of Charlie’s hair, and smiled.

“Morning, Severus. You’re seventeen today, aren’t you?”

“Tomorrow.”

Arthur flapped his hands and made a shushing sound. “This is the weekend. You don’t want to celebrate your birthday when all your friends are in school, do you? I already told Molly I was coming to get Harry.”

Snape felt faint. He gripped a chair to steady himself. “You mean--?”

“Take the whole day off.”

He looked at Harry, having a sneaking suspicion that his six-month-old had somehow set this up. Harry gurgled and a stream of saliva drooled out of his mouth. Snape could have sworn he said, “Say hi to Mulciber for me.”

Arthur set up a Portkey for Snape, who couldn’t Apparate yet. Arthur promised to teach him over the next few days.

The old gang sat at a corner table in their favorite Hogsmeade pub: Mulciber, Crabbe, Goyle, and Avery. Avery was tracing his name in the thick dust on the tabletop but turned beady eyes toward Snape when he shuffled through the door.

“Where you been, Sev?”

“With your cunning powers of observation, it’s a wonder you even noticed I was missing.” Snape smirked and slid into a chair between Mulciber and Crabbe.

Avery glared as though he was sure he had been insulted but not sure what to say in return.

Mulciber clapped him on the shoulder. “Good to have you back. The Mudblood said you were sick.”

Snape stared at Mulciber for a long moment. Blood pounded in his ears and he wanted nothing more than to throw the table over and watch Mulciber be crushed beneath it.

Mulciber looked to the others for support. Goyle guffawed in embarrassment and then his face turned red.

“But everyone said that’s what you called her when she and Potter strung you up by your ankles.”

Snape shifted in his chair. He wasn’t going to talk about that. “She got pregnant with my son. I left Hogwarts to raise him.”

Avery looked sick.

“That’s how the rumors go, but Dumbledore said absolutely not,” Crabbe piped up.

For a long time, no one spoke. Sunlight tried to shine through the filth on the windows but only a thin beam came through. Then Snape said, “What’s that on your arm?” For he had noticed a black tattoo on Avery’s bicep.

Avery flexed his muscle. “I got it two weeks ago,” he said proudly. “Show him yours, boys.”

The others pulled back the sleeves of their robes to reveal identical tattoos. Snape was envious. He’d missed far too much while he was holed away with Harry at Spinner’s End.

“I imagine that was your idea, Goyle.”

Goyle grinned stupidly. Then Mulciber must have stomped on his toes because he yelped and stared out the window while Mulciber explained.

“We got ‘em from the Dark Lord. You know, V-V--”

“I know who he is,” Snape said shortly. “Evans said you were stupid to--”

“Enough about Evans!” Avery roared, spit flying from his mouth. “Evans and Potter have somehow defied the Dark Lord twice. If everything had gone to plan, they would be dead.”

Snape stopped breathing. Lily dead? He rose from the table, feeling as though he had lost control of this conversation. “Evans is going to be my wife,” he said. “So you can tell the Dark Lord to move his attentions to Potter and Longbottom and those stupid Gryffindors who refuse to accept the Dark Lord’s power. But not Lily.”

Crabbe drew in a breath. “What about you then? Do you refuse to accept the Dark Lord’s power?”

“This has nothing to do--” Snape began but Crabbe cut him off.

“The Dark Lord knows about your talents. He’s seeking someone…brave to brew potions that would help our cause.”

Snape returned to his chair, breathing heavily. He thought of Harry, his thin face and button nose, and the way he waved goodbye when Snape left the room. Harry needed a protector, he needed someone who could ensure his safety. Someone like Voldemort. The stupid Minister of Magic certainly didn’t have a handle on the job.

Besides, Snape had been stuck in his house for six months with the Weasleys as his only companions. He’d found himself so bored one day that he poked his head through the fireplace to have a conversation about dragon hide with seven-year-old Charlie. Granted, the boy had an uncommon interest in dragons and helped Snape invent a new potion but that was beside the point. Snape needed an outlet.

“When can I meet him?”

Mulciber exchanged a look with Avery. Even Crabbe and Goyle, stupid as they were, knew something was amiss. Goyle stopped twiddling with the moth-eaten curtains.

“You—you can’t just meet him. You have to prove yourself to him. Give him information or something.” Mulciber grinned. “We earned our stripes.”

Snape’s stomach turned over; he knew exactly what they had done to earn a position in the Dark Lord’s inner circle. Yet at the same time, a strange feeling of envy came over him. His growth had been stunted when Lily gave him a child, while his friends had grown up. They had done things only adults had the right to do…and Snape still felt like a child. They were set to graduate from Howarts next year. Did he really expect them to wait another two years for him to graduate also?

It wasn’t until the beginning of June that Voldemort agreed to see Snape. By then, Snape was hearing reports of mysterious deaths in Muggle villages and knew the Death Eaters were the cause. Snape pretended not to hear the reason: that the Death Eaters were trying to punish Muggle-born wizards and witches like Lily. He had doubts about the Death Eaters but he couldn’t deny they had strength. If he had been a Death Eater last year, Potter might never have had the nerve to pants him.

After Snape met with Voldemort, he Apparated back to Spinner’s End breathing heavily. He had pleaded with Voldemort to let him become a Death Eater, offering his talents in Potions.

Voldemort had the nerve to pat him on the head. “Come back when you have something better. You haven’t even taken your N.E.W.T.s yet.”

Fuming, Snape unlocked his front door. Arthur stood at the foot of the stairs. Snape looked around the room, appalled. A radio warbled children’s songs, blankets were strewn as tents across all the furniture, and ash floated through the air. His Floo Powder container was in pieces on the floor and the powder ground into the carpet. Four ropes were tied to the ceiling fan which was whipping around at top speed.

“What is that?” Snape started to ask but suddenly Bill Weasley leapt off the stairs toward the rope.

“Whee!”

Arthur laughed and pointed to Bill zooming around in circles on the ceiling fan. “I used a partial Levitation charm. The first time was a disaster. I was—I mean to say, he was too heavy, and the fan fell off the ceiling.”

Bill was speaking every time he whirled around and his words came out in short bursts. “Dad—broke—it—but—I—helped—him—fix—it.”

Snape forced his breath out through his teeth and Arthur had the decency to look abashed.

“The kids were playing,” he tried to explain. “We didn’t have much to do after Harry and Percy went to bed. My kids don’t go to sleep as early as yours.”

Snape concentrated on breathing.

“So would you like a try?”

Snape felt anger billowing in his chest. Hurriedly, he pulled some money out of a pocket of his robes. “This is for watching Harry. Now get out of my house.”

Arthur’s smile faded. “There’s no need to use that tone with me. I’m a friend.”

“Oh really?” Snape curled his lip. “Then start cleaning up my house.”

Arthur nodded but his willingness didn’t matter anymore. Snape’s anger was growing. It felt like a ship tossing around inside him and he couldn’t hold it back anymore than he could stop the surging ocean waves.

Then Harry began to cry.

Snape let out a string of curse words directed toward Arthur. “Did you even put him to bed?”

Without waiting for an answer, he stormed to Harry’s room. Harry sat up in his crib, screaming. The curtains were drawn back and moonlight shone bright through the window.

Snape squeezed his wand which was tucked in his pocket. “No one can sleep with moonlight blazing in his face.”

“I’m sorry he’s awake. It’s hard to have a child who wakes up during the night.”

“It’s hard? It’s bloody impossible to have a child.”

“I think you’re tired, Severus. Things will look better in the morning.”

Snape threw a rattle into the crib so Harry would stop crying. “I didn’t even want him.”

“Don’t say that. You’re overreacting.”

“You want me to overreact?” Snape wasn’t sure how, but his voice had dropped to a sinister quiet. He sounded older and more dangerous.

Arthur’s face froze with fear. “Severus, please…”

His wand was out and and green light—the killing curse—flashed from it. Severus wasn’t even sure why he was angry but it felt good. Harry fell against his crib mattress and sobbed into his fists.

“Don’t hurt him!” Arthur yelled. His face, deathly pale, glowed in the moonlight.

Snape threw his wand against the wall. “My father broke twelve bones in my body. You think I would try to hurt him? I was trying to kill you!”

Arthur’s face twisted. “I’ll be checking up on Harry, don’t think I won’t.”

“You said you were my friend.”

Arthur scrambled down the stairs and soon after, a whooshing sound came from downstairs. Charlie was protesting but Snape couldn’t make out the words. Then a crack—and the Weasleys were gone.

Snape yelled sounds that didn’t quite turn into actual words. Then he fell onto the floor, sobbing into his fists.

He didn’t remember when he stopped crying, but he somehow fell asleep. When he woke up, it was morning. He looked around to see Harry curled in the corner of his crib, snuffling.

“I think it’s time for Dad to send you off to stay with Mum for a while.”

Harry’s eyes opened at the sound of Snape’s voice. He blinked at Snape before breaking into a grin.

“If you’re smiling at me, then you must have an atrocious memory,” Snape said sourly, reaching into the crib. “I don’t think Arthur will be coming around to visit any time soon. Unless of course it’s to check that I’m not hurting you.”

Harry reached up and grabbed Snape’s nose. Snape swatted his hand away.

“Leave me alone, love.” He stared out the window. He was afraid to look into his son’s forgiving eyes knowing those same eyes had watched Snape direct the Avada Kedavra at Arthur. “I didn’t mean it enough to kill him. That’s why it didn’t work.”

He chanced a glance at Harry and immediately his eyes welled with tears. This was too much responsibility. He was only seventeen and a virgin at that. What made him able to take care of a child and balance the rest of his life at the same time?

He had to give Harry up at least for the weekend so he could calm down. He wouldn’t turn into his father. He refused to hit and yell at his own child no matter how angry he got.

They Apparated just outside of the Hogwarts grounds. After tucking Harry into a baby backpack, he strolled through the open gates.

Four students lounged under a tree. Snape’s heart caught in his throat. For a moment, he thought they were Potter’s gang. Then one of them rolled over and he recognized the Ravenclaw scarves.

“Ten points from Ravenclaw,” he muttered, getting a giggle from Harry. He lowered his voice and straightened his back. “Detention Saturday night, my office. I do not take cheek from anyone. Not even you, Potter.”

Harry giggled again and banged his little fists against Snape’s back.

“Severus!”

Snape turned to see Albus Dumbledore striding across the lawn. His beard had grown at least a foot since Snape last saw him. Right now, the white hair was tucked into his belt.

“Lily explained what happened.” Dumbledore’s forehead creased and he looked very stern. “When will you be returning to school?”
“This coming September. I brought Harry today to see his mum.”

Dumbledore opened his mouth then closed it again. Snape stared hard at him and Dumbledore tried again. “Lily isn’t the first student to be with child during her school years. But there has to be a certain bit of decorum involved. We can’t allow students to carry babies around Hogwarts. We’ll have others believing we condone this sort of behavior.”

“I’ve seen you condone quite a few behaviors, usually involving James Potter and Sirius Black.”

Dumbledore’s face turned pink. “Severus, that simply isn’t true…”

“In 1931, the Headmaster denied access to a werewolf student, but you allow one to roam on the grounds.”

“I understand your anger, Severus,” said Dumbledore calmly. “You were nearly attacked by Mr. Lupin and I regret that.”

“You regret it? What other behaviors have you condoned and even encouraged?” Harry started to squirm on Snape’s back.

Dumbledore squinted up at the sky. “It’s too warm out here. Come into my office and we’ll share some biscuits and tea as friends.”

“Friends?”

“You’ve put me in an unsual predicament, Severus. You return no longer a student. What can I do?”

“You can admit to what you let me suffer here at Hogwarts. That’s all I want.”

Dumbledore’s blue eyes twinkled. “Is that really all you would have me say?”

“Yes,” Snape said harshly.

“I beg to differ, if only because I’m a belligerent old man. I rather think you expect me to feel an amount of pain for letting you be bullied under my nose.”

Tears sprang to Snape’s eyes and he blinked angrily, cursing the sun. Dumbledore was staring penetratingly at him. “I apologize for what you went through. Yet often times of pain are opportunities for growth.”

Snape scowled at the ground. “That’s not what you agreed to say.”

“I wasn’t aware I agreed to anything. I think we both agree on one thing: that causing me pain to alleviate yours would only make matters worse.”

“No,” Snape said, clenching his fists. “I want you to tell me what you did wrong.”

“In that case, I will have to decline.” Dumbledore started toward the Ravenclaws under the tree.

Snape pointed his wand at Dumbledore’s back. Levicorpus, he thought.

There was a crash of sound and lights and suddenly Snape felt his feet flip out from under him. Through the folds of his robe draped over his head, Snape heard a smattering of laughter.

“Shield charm,” one of the Ravenclaws said.

“I apologize for the inconvenience, Severus,” Dumbledore said. “It was only a matter of reflex. I was a Seeker in my days at Hogwarts, you know.”

As Snape struggled to right himself, a weight lifted off his back and a thump sounded on the ground. Snape’s stomach nearly dropped out through his mouth.

“Harry!”

In a blink, Snape’s feet returned to the ground. He scooped up Harry who had somehow landed on his bum. Dumbledore held out a hand and Snape spat toward him.

“Is this my punishment for getting a student pregnant, Albus?” he yelled, laying stress on Dumbledore’s first name. “Because I never touched Lily Evans.”

Then they swept away, nearly running to the gates where Snape twirled on his heel and Apparated home.

The Weasleys came by on Tuesday after Arthur got off work. Molly carried a cake as a peace offering and whispered her apologies. Arthur was smiling broadly after discovering a Muggle invention he called the “fellytone.”

“Imagine, you can hear someone’s voice across town and you don’t even have to get ash on your clothes.”

“We had a felly—a telephone when I was growing up,” Snape said, unimpressed.

Arthur scooped Harry off the floor. “Harry, I got to try out a fellytone!”

Harry laughed.

“He got dropped on his head on Saturday,” Snape said. “So excuse his thinking things are funny when they’re not.”

Arthur winked at Snape. “We’ve missed you, Severus.”

Molly brushed imaginary wrinkles out of Snape’s clothes. “Let me fix you some tea.”

“No, I’ll get it.”

While they waited for the kettle to boil (Snape was afraid to take out his wand after pulling his wand on Arthur), they sat at the kitchen table and ate toast.

“When does Lily get out of school?” Molly asked.

“We went to visit her yesterday but I lost my temper with Dumbledore and we left.”

Molly’s eyes grazed Snape’s face. “Well, let’s not get into that,” she said briskly. Then a soft smile played around her lips. “I bet Lily was disappointed your meeting was postponed.”

The way she said “meeting” made Snape flush.

“Oh, come now, Severus, don’t be so embarrassed. Surely that was your intent.”

Snape busied himself with the tea kettle which was now whistling. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Molly and Arthur exchanged smirks.

“I wouldn’t be so nosy if it weren’t for the baby,” Molly continued. “But since you have a baby, you know what goes into making one…”

Snape returned to the table and poured hot water into the Weasley’s cups. “Lily is a virgin and I don’t want to--”

He was interrupted by loud laughter.

“Dear, if she’s calling herself a virgin--”

“It was a magical pregnancy.”

Arthur wiggled his eyebrows a bit. “I bet it was.”

Snape rolled his eyes and returned the kettle to the stove. “I was in the hospital wing while Pomfrey mended my head. Come nine months later, Lily told me Pomfrey had touched Lily after taking care of me and that got Lily pregnant.”

“But--” stammered Arthur. “But you can’t have airborne pregnancies. That’s absurd. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Lily said it was magical. That’s how it happened.”

The looks Molly and Arthur exchanged this time were much more sober. Then Arthur spoke. “It seems Lily was fooling around with someone else and needed a person to blame.”

“She was a virgin. She even cried when Potter called her a tart and I made up a new curse right then: Sectumsempra.”

Molly cleared her throat. “I admire your zeal. Imagine creating a new curse at sixteen. But who is this Potter?”

“James Potter, the stupid git. He’s always chatting up Lily and she’s made it clear she’s not…” He trailed off when he saw the Weasleys giving each other meaningful looks. “Not Potter. She’s a virgin and she didn’t shag Potter. Don’t you think Harry looks just like me?”

When the days got long, Severus thought of Lily. She visited some during the summer. Lily and he went on long walks with Harry tucked in his stroller. On Harry’s first birthday, Harry wouldn’t touch his cake so Lily smashed it in his face. He came up blinking, unsure what to think. Snape laughed and snapped pictures while Harry and Lily posed. He had the picture sitting by his bed and he smiled every time he saw it.

Snape asked her to marry him one day when the leaves were turning red and orange and brown. Lily was about to go back to school after both she and Snape decided it would be best for her to finish her education since Harry was accustomed to staying at Spinner’s End with Snape. Her answer was, “Sev, you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t until later that Snape realized she had never answered. Maybe it was because he hadn’t given her a ring. He vowed to buy one before she came back to visit.

She didn’t come back until the end of the school year, a month before Harry turned two. Raindrops clung to her eyelashes and when she pulled her hat off, strands of hair stuck straight up.

“You look beautiful,” Snape said and he meant it.

She scoffed and tossed her coat over a chair. “I brought chess. Do you want to play?”

Harry was in bed so Snape agreed. They had only moved their pieces three times when Snape contested Lily’s move.

“That’s just because you want to win, you horrible person!”

Snape laughed. “That’s the best insult you can come up with?”

Lily launched herself at Snape and started tickling him. Snape gasped for breath, unable to breathe between belly laughs. He fell off the couch onto the floor and Lily rolled with him.

He was on top and he could smell her sweet breath and her perfumed hair. His heart pounded in his throat. Leaning forward, he said, “You’re going to marry me anyway.”

Lily’s eyes grew serious. “No, Severus! It isn’t right.”

Snape slid his hand under her neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.” He leaned forward. He would only kiss her, he wouldn’t even let his hands stray. But she struggled away, revulsion in her eyes.

Snape dropped to the floor beside her, pretending he had wanted nothing more than to be staring up at the ceiling with her. A hot flush spread over his face when she looked over at him.

She averted her gaze and gathered her chess board and pieces. “I have to go. My parents will worry. I’ll come get Harry at the end of August and you can go to school.”

That night, Snape took Harry out of his crib and put him in bed with him. It made him not quite as lonely to feel soft skin against his and know someone loved him.

When the shadows of the early morning stretched over the ceiling, Snape was still lying awake. Harry slumbered beside him, sucking the tips of his fingers. In the rosy glow of the morning, he could imagine Lily sleeping beside him, her red hair fanned out around her head. She would sit up, smile at him and offer to start a pot of coffee.

He rolled onto his stomach to try to go to sleep.