December 3, 1997

I need her.

Now.

"Maybe she'll turn up tonight..." whispers an annoyingly optimistic part of my brain as I sit in Dumbledore's chair, frustrated with the papers in front of me on Dumbledore's desk.

She won't though.  She never comes home when I need to see her-only when she finds some need that I alone can fulfill will she come back to the safety of our home.  Really, our relationship is quite one-sided in this way.

Too bad I love her enough not to care.

If only she understood the type of life she was forcing me to lead in her absence...  If only she understood the horrible life she had forced Harry to live; Harry, her son of all people!  The boy has seen more tragedies and felt more pain than any one person ever deserved.

It was all her fault.

Today of all days, I really need her to be here and be my confidant.  I need to tell someone about what those wretched Carrows did Luna Lovegood.  I need to talk about how Minerva, who was once a trusted and dear friend, won't even look me in the eye now.  I need to talk about the vile things the Dark Lord is making me brew.  I need to complain about the fact that I never wanted to be the blasted headmaster of Hogwarts!  I need to talk about what a bad job I'm doing!  I need to scream about Dumbledore's bloody plans and how he's used me!

I need these things!  Lily, where are you?

OOOOOOO 

March 29, 1996

I sigh as she snuggles up even closer to me, gently wrapped in my left arm.  Her skin is soft and warm against my bare body as we lay together in my cold dungeon bed.  The darkness brings me comfort, as I know I'm nothing worth looking at.

I can hear and feel her hot breaths next to my ear as she tries to calm herself after my ministrations.  Soft and wet lips touch down on my face, right below my ear, causing me to shiver with pleasure.  Her cold hand follows the kiss and strokes my face with tender care.

"Oh Sev," she breaths, "I miss you when I'm gone."

"Likewise." I murmur in agreement.

However, that doesn't stop the empty feeling deep within my chest.

OOOOOOO 

November 1, 1981

"NO!" I scream to my empty rooms as I slam the portrait door with a strength I didn't know I possessed.

The shock of it is affecting my nervous system; I'm shaking and tingling all over.  I can't seem to get enough air into my lungs either, no matter how deeply I breathe in.

Barely holding myself up, I stumble over to the liquor cabinet and grab a decanter of absinthe, the strongest thing I have.  I don't bother with the sugar cubes, skipping all the necessary preparations to water it down.  I want to be drunk and fast.  The green liquid tastes like shite without sugar, but I don't care.

The pain is unbearable without it.

OOOOOOO 

September 21, 1992

I glance up from the head table as a large brown owl swoops towards me in a practiced manner.  How odd, as I had not been expecting any post today.  I gently untie the message from the monstrous beast, feed it a rasher, then send it on its way.

Carefully unrolling the tiny message, I munch on a rasher of my own while reading.

Dear Professor Snape,

I know we don't know each other, but it is of the utmost importance that we meet and discuss something that I'm sure you will find very near and dear to your heart.  I cannot mention the topic in this letter, I'm afraid, as it is much too personal.  Reply immediately with a time and location that suit you.

Sincerely,

Mortimer Greenwell    

As I put the letter down, I frown; what personal business could this man have with me?  I do not know him or have any idea as to why he might demand my presence for the discussion of ‘personal business.' 

"Let me guess, another disgruntled parent!" I hear coming from my right.  Minerva, I note, before looking up into her stern face.  "Just last week, little Benjamin Lockwood's mother sent me a howler because I gave him an E on a test!  An E, for Merlin's sake!  You'd have thought the world was ending just because that boy got an E!" she fumed, obviously still irked by the thought of a parent criticizing her for something the woman certainly couldn't understand without a parent-professor conference of some sort.

"No...at least, I don't think it is.  Is there a student with the last name Greenwell here?" I ask, hoping to perhaps clear away some of the lingering fog around the letter.

"Greenwell?  Not that I know of...  Why do you ask?" She questions curiously.

Good grief, could nothing be private with this staff? 

"Do I need to remind you who the owl brought the letter to Minerva?  Clearly, it was only meant for one set of eyes," I drawl.  "It's just rubbish anyway-an offer I'm not taking up."

After saying that, I crumple the paper in my hand with satisfaction before banishing it.  Minerva frowns at this.

"Be careful Severus, lest you use up all of your snark on me and not have any left for your students this morning.  We wouldn't want them to think you were going soft, after all." She says snootily, obviously trying to get a rise out of me before class.

I snort at this and then, with a straight face, reply, "Why Minerva, when it comes to my ‘snark,' as you put it, my supply is certainly unlimited and constantly in demand.  It even seems to help me deal with gossipy old Gryffindors at the breakfast table."

With a laugh, she excuses herself from the table and heads to her classroom.

OOOOOOO 

October 10, 1976

"Severus?"

I look up from my Advanced Potions book and turn around to see who is addressing me.  Coming from the castle is one Lily Evans.  Alone.

I turn back towards the lake as my eyes widen in shock.  Lily and I haven't spoken in months...not since the end of my fifth year when the incident happened.

I don't know what to do.

Panic sets in.  Quickly, I manage to make my face look neutral before she comes over.

"Hi Sev," she says softly, sitting down beside me even though I haven't given her any sort of invitation to do so.

I decide to play along and see what happens.  "Lily," I reply, acknowledging her presence without looking up from my text.

"Out enjoying the nice weather, I see."

"Yes...well, it's rather nice to get some fresh air for a change after spending hours over a smoldering caldron," I reply, mentally grimacing; I hate small talk.

"Understandable.  How is Slughorn's class going for you this year?"

Good grief, how much longer was she going to go on like this?  Ignoring her question, I decide to cut to the chase.  "Why are you here Lily?"

Silence.

Finally, she says, "I don't know...I guess I miss you, Sev.  That's why."

I close my eyes.  I don't know how to respond to this.  Therefore, I put my nastiest foot forward by default.  "Who put you up to this sick joke Lily?  Is James watching us from the castle with a telescope, waiting for the moment when you take it all back and break poor Snivelly's heart?"

Sounding remorseful, she replies, "James doesn't know I'm here Sev; none of the Marauders do.  I came because I wanted to speak with you alone."

"How do I know that Lily?  Why should I trust you when you spend all your time with those Gryffindors?" I ask, my voice practically dripping with venom.

"I tried to help you Severus-don't you dare forget that!" She says angrily, "I tried to help you and you called me a mudblood!  You're the one who got us into this mess in the first place!"

"At least I tried to apologize!  I knew I was wrong and you would not accept my apology!  My very sincere apology!" I hiss, scowling at her; how dare she pin this on me!

"Well, it took me a while to forgive you Severus!  Let's not forget that you using the ‘m' word was only the tip of the iceberg, mister ‘I-dabble-with-the-dark-arts-in-my-spare-time!'  Mister ‘I-piss-around-with-creeps-like-Mulciber-and-Avery-in-my-spare-time!'  They support You-Know-Who Severus!  How could you-"

"Put a sock in it Lily!  I could say the same for you, Miss ‘I-spend-time-with-the-Maruaders!' Miss ‘I-"

"This was a bad idea!" She says, looking angrier than I've seen her in a long time.  "Goodbye Severus."

She storms away without another word.

"Fine, leave you stupid twat!  I don't need you!" I yell after her.

She doesn't look back.

OOOOOOO 

June 1, 1986

I stare at the black ceiling and listen to Lily breathing beside me.

I decide to ask her something I've never dared to ask her before.  "Lily...do you ever think about how your life would be if he were here with you?"

There is no question as to whom the word he is referring to.

"Sometimes," she answers softly.

The pain of this whole situation fills me up to the brim with emotions that I'd rather ignore than embrace.  However, I find that I need to know, even if the truth hurts.

"Do you think you'd prefer it if he were here?"

"I'm not sure.  My life would be much more boring if he were here, though it would also be less stressful.  As it is now, I can visit him on occasion during my travels-check and make sure he's all right, you know.  I do admit to missing him from time to time...  I mean, how could I not after all the time we spent together?"

My body trembles with anger upon hearing this.  "You've been visiting him?  Without telling me?"

She can sense that I'm angry and tries to wrap her arms around me, but I roll away, horrified that she's been using me for so long.

"Please don't be jealous Sev...please," she begs.

I don't say another word for the rest of the night.

OOOOOOO 

December 12, 1981

"Come, my boy, I have something to show you," Dumbledore says, "and I do believe it might be a bit of a shock."

Why can't he tell that I don't care?  I don't give rat's arse about what he wants to show me.  Despite this, I follow him blindly anyway, as if he's a shepherd leading one of his most faithful sheep to the pasture.

And what could be a bigger shock than my wife dying?  Didn't Dumbledore know that?  The sick rat bastard, saying stuff like that when he knew damn well-

Oh.

Oh.

OOOOOOO

December 7, 1976

It had come to me in a dream:  theoretically, if I was to add creamed root of marigold and dried mouse hearts to a blood replenishing potion, perhaps it would seal up actively bleeding wounds as well as replenish the blood supply.  The marigold root is a natural stauncher and the dried mouse hearts would neutralize its other, less-than-helpful property of bloating things to abnormal sizes.

It could work...in theory.

Naturally, after discussing the possibility with Slughorn, I had to try it. 

Slipping into the potions lab, I was rather surprised to find that I wasn't the only one there.  At the station closest to the ingredients closet was Lily, grinding up some sort of silver bark.

I slip quietly behind her and go to the closet.  She gasps and jumps, having not seen me come in.  I give her a little smirk and acknowledge her presence.  "Lily."

"Severus," she replies, clearly annoyed with me.

It's funny that no matter how mad we are at each other, we never resort to calling each other by our last names. 

I quickly load my arms with potions supplies and head over to the farthest station from Lily to start my potion.  I take out my wand and light a fire under one of the school's copper caldrons, which are really the best for brewing anything involving blood. 

My nose is enlightened by all of the wonderful scents created as I prepare my ingredients with care.  I am just about to start adding my base, when I am interrupted by Lily's panicked voice.

"Severus, help!  I added too much powdered silver birch bark and it's not responding to its neutralizer!" She said uneasily.

Silver birch bark is rather dangerous.  I run over.

The potion is boiling dangerously-it looks very unstable.  I quickly look at the table she was using for a clue as to how I might fix it.

There's a number two silver stirring spoon.

Silver.

"Lily, you used a silver stirrer with silver birch bark!  You can only use platinum because it reacts badly with other metals!" I say, now officially panicked.  Slughorn will never forgive either of us if he doesn't have a room to come back to in the morning.

"Can you fix it Sev?"

"Belt up!  I'm trying to think, for fuck's sake!"

Lily looks scared; I probably do too and I only have one idea about how to neutralize this.  Quickly, I run to the closet and pull out a dried clump of Queen Anne's lace and throw it into her caldron.

It looks like it's going to blow.

"Sev-"

"Shite!  Stop yakking and get under Slughorn's desk!  NOW!" I scream and quickly pull her to the front of Slughorn's classroom at a dead run.  I jump over his desk and scoot under it, then grab her and pull her into my arms with the hope of shielding her from the blow.

Neither of us is protected enough though and we both know it.

"Sev, I'm sorry about everything," she says weakly, squeezing my arm tightly.

I close my eyes.

"I'm sorry too Lily." I whisper at the last moment.

We wait in silence.  One of my hands is right above Lily's breast and I can feel her heart thundering in her chest.

Nothing happens.

Both of us know good and well that if it were going to explode, it would have done so by now.   However, we stay silent under the desk, unmoving, for another five minutes just in case.

Now certain that nothing was going to happen, I take my hands off Lily and poke her in the back, signaling her to get off me.  She does and is very unladylike about it; I get a glimpse of her underwear.

Black edged with red lace.

I'll be dreaming about that for weeks to come.

I follow her over to her cauldron and together we look in.  The potion is now completely still and light blue in color.  It smells like a combination of cheese and toothpaste:  not a good combination, if you ask me.

"It looks stable." I say, stating the obvious.

"Sev, did you mean what you said?" she asks cautiously, "You know, under the desk?"

Bloody hell.

I say the only thing that I can say at this point.

"Yes."

OOOOOOO 

September 4, 1991

There he is.

He looks like her-has he beautiful green eyes and what could potentially be a manipulative smile, one that I have a lot of experience dealing with.

I wish things could be different between us, but this is the only way.

OOOOOOO 

December 8, 1997

She's still not here.

Maybe she's off visiting him.

Him. 

I've never quite understood her relationship with James, not even during our Hogwarts days.  She always described him as her fling, as a flight of fancy.  Someone to experiment with.  Someone to date while waiting for me to come to my senses and sweep her off her feet.

I never quite bought that explanation.

I always wonder if she really has feelings for me or if it's all just a sham; after all, our marriage was kind of forced upon us and things were never quite the same with her after he died.

I wish I knew the truth.

I need to know the truth.

OOOOOOO

January 29, 1977

I can't believe I'm seeing this.

All I had wanted to do was go to the owlery and mail a small letter to my mother to reassure her that I'm okay.  I get the owl all ready and I send it off, only to look down in the courtyard and see two people bonking up against the side of the castle.  Normally, I wouldn't have given a rat's arse about such a thing, but then I noticed who the people were.

Lily and that blasted tosser Potter!

I feel myself flushing with anger as I watch them go at it quickly, as if starved for each other.  They don't even bother to take off each other's clothes, for fuck's sake-Potter lifts her skirt up, unzips his pants, and goes from there.  There is nothing remotely romantic looking about it either; it simply looks like a quick afternoon shag on the lawn. 

"But she had said she didn't even like him!" my mind screams as I clench my fists, "She said she wanted me, so why is she fucking him?!"

Finally, I turn away disheartened.  She won't want me anyway.  Not after she finds out what I did last summer.

OOOOOOO 

January 2, 1992

"I had to move the Mirror of Erised.  I'm afraid Harry has been looking in it quite frequently during the break.  The poor boy, he sees Lily and James in there." Dumbledore says as we take our tea.

I scowl and slam my cup down on his desk much harder than is necessary.

"Well, who else would he see?" I ask sarcastically.  That stupid boy was hero-worshiping Lily and James!

Idiot.

OOOOOOO 

May 23, 1984

I hear her gasp.  A moment later, she bumps me out of my nearly sleeping state and sits up, obviously trying to calm herself down after having a bad dream.

I place my cold hand on her back to comfort her, but it doesn't seem to have much of an effect on her.  After a moment, she scoots away from me, leaving me cold in my dungeon bed. 

"Lily?" I question as I hear her rummaging through what I think is the drawer in her bedside table. 

Taking my wand out from under my pillow, I cast a small lumos.

She's got that thing in her hand.  She looks relieved.

She puts it back in the drawer and scoots in to cuddle up beside me once again.  "Sorry Sev, I just needed to make sure it was still there."

OOOOOOO

May 5, 1977

I find my walk to the ingredients closet interrupted when two hands push me up against the wall rather forcefully and then she's on me, her hands all over me like black on a cauldron.  I can hardly breathe because her lips are demanding so much.

I'm shocked, to say the least and thus I don't really know what to do other than participate.  I kiss her back as she makes my body tingle in a way I've never felt before.  Her hips start grinding against mine and before you know it, I'm hard as a rock down there.

As one of her hands grips my bum, I think about how terribly erotic this whole thing is:  Lily fucking a death eater at night in the potions lab.

Death eater.

Suddenly, a wave of guilt crashes over me and I become oblivious to her ministrations.

She still doesn't know...  She deserves to know.  In fact, she needs to know before we do this; before I fall arse over elbow in love with her.  I can't bear to keep going when she doesn't know what she's getting herself into.

I'm just about to stop her when her fingers yank my shirt out of my pants, then start to slide down into unknown territory.

Oh sweet Merlin!

I catch her wrist in my hand and stop her before she reaches her destination.

"Lily," I breathe in a much higher voice than I remember having, "we can't do this."

I pull her hand out of my pants and we stare at each other as we both try to catch our breaths.  She looks confused.  "Why not Sev?"

I sigh.  Really, this was much too good to be true anyway.  It was doomed from the beginning, as I never have good things happen in my life.  ‘All good things come to an end' is the way people usually refer to it and that is certainly what's going to happen here today.

I'm about to end the best thing that ever happened to me.

"I'm sorry Lily, but I've made a terrible mistake," I start to say, uncertain of how to put this into words, which is a rare occurrence for me.

"Sev," she asks in a quiet voice, "Are you breaking up with me?"

I look at her deeply troubled face and say, "No...but you're going to break up with me after I tell you this."

"I don't understand Sev."

Those green eyes are begging me, pleading me not to do it, but it's really for their own good.  I hold out my left arm, still covered by my white shirtsleeve.  "I did it this last summer, after our fight.  It was a mistake.  I wish I had never done it.  I'm sorry Lily.  You deserve better." I say quietly.

Lily, on the other hand, looks shaken.  I knew I wouldn't have to say it; she's a smart girl and she knows what's under my shirtsleeve.  For reason's unknown to me, however, she needs to see it; I watch her unbutton my sleeve and yank up the white material.

My mark is now in full view.  I look down, not wanting to see her face.  Surprisingly, she doesn't run away immediately; I suppose her Gryffindor bravery is what keeps her here.

Her hands are gentle as she pulls my sleeve back into place and carefully buttons it back up.  "Sev," she says, now gripping my hand as I lower it back to my side, "If you think it's a mistake, why don't you leave him?"

I chuckle quietly.  "Lily, he'll kill me if I betray him.  He'll kill me if I leave."

She is silent.  I stand there with my head still down, more emotions running through my head than I know how to deal with.

"Do you hate me?" I whisper.

Her arms wrap around me suddenly.  "No," She says as she nuzzles her head into my neck, "You're still my best friend and I want to help you get through this."

And help me she did.

OOOOOOO 

November 2, 1981

Light.

I groan as the lamps flicker to life in my parlor.  Who the hell is here?

"Completely arseholed, just as I suspected."

I'm not sure whom the voice belongs to.  I try to get up, only to find myself still much too drunk to do so.  Suddenly, an arm is under my shoulder, trying to boost me up.

I'm confused-why am I standing?

It turns out that it's Minerva helping me up.  "Down...put me," I try to say, but it comes out so jumbled that no one could possibly understand it.

"You've had a hard night Severus and I'm afraid the worst is yet to come." Minerva says as she drags me somewhere.  All I can really think about it how much my head is throbbing and how mean Minerva was for lighting the lamps.

The next thing I know is that I'm on my bed and my feet feel cold.  A warm blanket flutters down onto me and is gently tucked around my body.

It smells like her.  It smells like Lily.

"Why..." I stammer, "Why?"

Then Minerva comes over and wipes away the tears that I didn't even know were there.  "I'm sorry for your loss Severus.  We all loved Lily dearly here at Hogwarts."

I try to tell her how it doesn't make sense, how Lily shouldn't have even been at his house.  Nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense though.  I hate myself as I see the pity in Minerva's eyes.

"Sleep it off Severus, then I'll come back to talk," she says softly, then strokes my hair until I pass out.

OOOOOOO

November 16, 1995

"Severus," Minerva says, coming into my office without so much as a knock at the closed door, "There's a ‘Mortimer Greenwell' in the office, wanting to meet with you."

I don't even look up from my grading and continue to make angry red marks across the pages.  "I didn't make an appointment with him; send him away."

"You're acting ridiculous Severus.  He's been trying to talk with you for years!  Why on Earth won't you go and see what he wants?  Aren't you even curious?" she asks, sounding astonished at my behavior.

She shouldn't be.  She's known me for years.

"No.  If he doesn't see fit to tell me why I need to meet with him then I don't believe I will be doing so anytime soon." I grumble, annoyed at the man's persistence. 

"You're being rude Severus." comes her curt reply.

"Obviously so is he if he won't tell me why I need to see him."

She sighs and gives up.  I don't look up, but listen as she walks to the door and closes it.

OOOOOOO

April 17, 1978

Her lips are all over me, driving me wild.  We're up at the Astronomy Tower instead of fulfilling our prefect duties, which is just fine with me.  It's dark and the stars are above us, which makes it seem like we're apart of some sappy romance novel where the two lovebirds have everything going perfectly for them.  Just for a moment while we have it out on the tower, I think things are going that way for us too.

She's so into it tonight, more so than is usual for her.  She's touching me as if she's not going to see me for a while, which I know isn't true because we've planned to work on potions together tomorrow night.  I don't question this though and just let her have her dirty way with me.

Right when I start to get to the good part, she stills for a moment and then starts to kiss me slowly.  At first I'm confused about this and then I notice where her eyes are.

Someone's watching us.  I can practically feel the eyes burning into my back.  I pull out of her kiss. 

"Who's there Lily?" I murmur just loud enough for her to hear.

She starts to lick my neck.  "James," she whispers, "Keep going."

I do as I'm told, trying to ignore the eyes that are staring at the back of my head.  Eventually, I hear soft footsteps going in the opposite direction.

"Well, that takes care of that," she says, smirking at me evilly.

I smirk back.  She is truly wicked-I love that about her.  "Revenge is best served hot..." I reply with a grin, "It looks like I'll make a Slytherin out of you yet!"

I didn't need to be an influence for her though; She definitely was a Slytherin.  That damn hat was wrong!

OOOOOOO

August 2, 1993

"How was your day Sev?" Lily asks, a big smile plastered on her face as she takes a bite of her roast beef from across the table.

"It went reasonably well.  I managed to brew a large batch of skelegrow, which will hopefully be enough to patch up the little brats until the end of the year." I say, looking up at her from the Daily Prophet.

I decide to take a chance.  "What did you do?"

Lily suddenly looks sullen because she knows where this conversation is going to go.  "I reported to Dumbledore."

"And you can tell the old codger about your journeys, but do not see fit to tell your husband," I reply snarkily, "That makes a lot of sense."

Now she looks angry.  "You know I can't tell you about it Severus or you'll go barmy.  I don't care about Dumbledore's sanity-I care about yours."

We don't say anything to each other for the remainder of dinner.

I don't regret it.

OOOOOOO 

January 13, 1996

Somehow I manage to hold it in until he's angrily left the room.  However, the moment the dungeon door slams behind him, I fall to my knees and start to puke all over the floor. 

Bloody hell...

When it's finally over, I cast a quick scourgify to the stone floor and pick myself up with shaking legs.  I'm breathing heavily and trying my best to hold in the renegade tears that are threatening to leave my eyes.   

He was supposed to be safe at the Dursleys!  Safe and loved!  Wasn't that what he'd promised the boy all of those years ago?  He hadn't cared whether he was Harry Potter or Harry Snape-he had just wanted the boy to be safe and cared for!

So how on Earth had this happened?  What he'd just seen in the boy's mind was far from the kind of life he'd imagined him having.  Lily said she'd been watching him all of these years-hadn't she ever seen this?

Why didn't she do anything about this?!

"Fuck!" I scream, needing some kind of an outlet for all the anger I am currently harboring.

I then proceed to kick several of the tables over in the lab until I'm exhausted and my rage is gone.

I feel helpless and hate it.  There's nothing I can do to make this better.

Not a damn thing.

OOOOOOO

February 3, 1977

"Sev, what's wrong?" Lily asks, her bright eyes looking a little sad.  "You've been acting funny all night."

I don't look at her and continue to stir the bright yellow potion counterclockwise with a number eight golden stirring spoon.  I watch as the yellow slowly turns to puce, just as it's supposed to.

"Sev..." she says, now giving me a look that tugs at my heart more than I was willing to admit.

"Yes?" I say, replying only because I don't want to loose what I've so recently gained.

Then again, depending on how this conversation goes, it might already be gone.

"Tell me what's wrong," she says, rubbing her hand on my arm-the hand that had recently gotten Potter off in the courtyard.  "I can't make you feel better if you don't tell me what's wrong."

I decide to be blunt.  "You've been with Potter."

She actually has the audacity to look confused.  "What are you talking about Sev?"

Turning to my side, I look down into her lying eyes.  "I saw you two shagging in the courtyard-that's what I'm bloody talking about!"

"Sev, I can-"

"Don't try to deny it!" I say, getting louder as I get more incensed with the situation, "I saw you!  I'm not blind or an idiot!  He had your skirt up like you were some sort of street corner tart!"

She smacks my arm, hard, and causes me to drop my stirring spoon into the cauldron.  "How dare you-"

"How dare I?" I bellow, interrupting her infuriated shrieking, "How dare you!  You said you wanted to be with me and then you turn around and fuck another man, but not just any other man!  You decide to fuck bloody-fucking-Potter!"

"Severus Snape, stop being jealous and listen to me before you judge!  I'm doing this for you!" she yells, making me stop in my tracks.

My sarcasm decides to make a guest appearance at this point.  "Oh really?  Well, by all means, do tell me how you fucking that bloody berk Potter is doing me a bloody favor!  Go on, let's hear those lips of yours spout a good Slytherin lie!"

"I'm taking revenge Sev!  I'm going to get him back for doing all of those mean things he did to you!" she claims.

"Indeed.  Well, if that's the case, I wish you'd take revenge on me!  I'd like more revenge than Potter, if you please!"

"You're jealous," she whispers more to herself than to me, "I didn't mean for it to be this way."

She looks really sad and it makes me decide to hear her side of the story; damn those puppy eyes of hers!  "Lily, what does shagging Potter have to do with getting revenge on him?  To me, it sounds like I'm the revenge recipient in this situation." I say, doing my best to tone down my snark for a moment.

"I'm pretending to date him Sev.  I'm going to make him fall in love with me and then, then I'll stab him in the back.  It's the perfect revenge, don't you see?  He thinks he's beaten you and I'm going to lead him along that path until he's good and comfortable, then I'll pull the rug out from under his posh arse and make him fall.  Oh, and he'll fall hard...trust me, he will."

I stare at her.  Is this the Lily I've known for the last seven years?  Did she come up with this nasty plan herself?  Why, it was positively Slytherin, even if it was just a lie!

Perhaps the hat had been wrong.

"Sev, what are you thinking?" Lily asks, looking a bit conscientious about what she just said.

I look at her and say, "I'm wondering if you're lying.  After all, Potter is the one getting shagged in this arrangement, not me."

Lily frowns at this.  "Sev, I want to take things slowly with you.  We've only just begun to try this out."

"You haven't been with Potter all that long either, yet he's getting it.  I suppose it must come down to good looks and I certainly have no chance of winning that sort of contest." I say, trying my best not to sound as hurt as I'm feeling.

"Sev..."

I look down.

She puts her hands on my face and forces me to look at her.  Her hands feel soft and warm on my face; I do my best to look at her, though I feel very insecure at the moment.

"Sev, I want to take things slowly with you because you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you again if this doesn't work out.  James Potter is just a no-good drunk; he's not important to me.  All he's good for is a quick fuck really, nothing more.  There's no emotion between him and I-but you and I Sev, we're something special.  I don't want to lose you.  I don't want to mess this up...  Do you understand that?"

Even though the sensible part of my brain is yelling at me, screaming that this is a trap, I choose to not listen to its squabbling.  I say yes so that I, Severus Snape, can feel hope...even if it is short-lived.

OOOOOOO 

November 6, 1979

I stop by James' house to see if what Lily said was really true.  She was right-it's three in the afternoon and he's passed out on a scraggly sofa, a bottle of Ogden's finest beside his makeshift bed.

The coffee table is littered with quite an assortment of liquor bottles as well.

As I turn to leave, I can't help but wonder if we played a part in making him the worthless drunk he is today.

OOOOOOO

December 23, 1986

I smile at her as she gets into bed and quickly turns off the light with a soft nox.  Silently, she kisses me goodnight and then cuddles into my body to keep warm as I cover us both up with a warm comforter.  As I settle in, she snuggles even closer, her head burrowing into the soft flannel of my nightshirt. 

It's then that I feel it.

She didn't take it off.

I frown.  Even though it's under her nightgown, I can practically feel the cold metal against my side.  It's ruined both my life and hers, not to mention Harry's and now it's snuggled awkwardly against me like an extra person in our marriage bed.

I wonder if she loves me more than she loves it or if it's the other way around.

OOOOOOO

December 12, 1981

I stare.

She smiles at me.

"Hi Sev," she says softly with an unreadable expression on her face.

I think it's pity.

She walks over and hugs me.  My arms wrap around her and she feels solid, corporal, real...

Could it be that I'm not imagining this?

"Sev, please say something..." she pleads, sounding slightly panicked from my shoulder.

"Are you real?" I whisper.

"Yes."

I cry.

She's alive.

OOOOOOO 

May 6, 1977

"Well, I think that settles that," Dumbledore says, handing me a bottle of remedy for the Veritaserum.  I swallow it eagerly, more than ready to get rid of the cottony feeling that is filling my head.  Within a matter of seconds, I feel normal again.

I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder and look up from my chair to see Lily's smiling face.  "You did great Sev," she whispers.

I frown back at her.  This did not go as I had planned!  Instead of being offered a door out of this situation, I'm being pushed back in as a bloody spy!  Some help Dumbledore is!  Doesn't he realize what he is asking of me?

I glower at the old codger.  "Exactly how am I supposed to be with Lily and keep her safe during all of this professor?" I ask, laying on the sarcasm as heavily as is possible.

"Calm down, my boy," he says, patting my arm reassuringly before sitting down at his desk, "Lily is, after all, a very powerful witch and very capable of taking care of herself.  Together, I'm sure you'll do a fine job of keeping your relationship a secret, which will in turn keep you both safe."

A secret.

Well, I guess that's better than not having a relationship at all.

OOOOOOO

March 30, 1993

I peek into Poppy's office.  She's asleep, as was expected at three in the morning, but one could never be too sure.  I silently close her office door and put a silencing charm on it.  Next, I lock the infirmary doors and close the floo, both necessary precautions for the risk I'm about to take.

But I need to see him, so I take the risk.

He's the only one in the infirmary, which makes the trip a lot easier than the other times I've done this.  Also, he's already in a deep, potion-induced sleep and I know I will not wake him up.

Slowly, I approach his isolated bed, pull the curtain open and then closed to let myself in.

I grimace-Harry looks horrible.  The poor boy has sweat dripping down his face and is tense, as if in great pain.

Skelegrow was a bitch; I knew that from experience.

Gently, I sit down on the edge of the boy's bed and wipe some of sweat off his forehead with my hand.  He still looks very uncomfortable.  Deciding to take an even larger risk, I gently hoist the small 12 year-old boy up onto my lap and hold him gently, being very careful not to bump his healing arm.

I snort as I look at his pained face.  "I'd look like that too if my worst enemy was holding me-good thing you won't remember this." I say softly, stroking his wet, sweaty hair a bit with one hand.

"I don't suppose you remember when I held you like this all those years ago...  I sang to you, you know.  I sang that lullaby about the unicorns every night when I put you to sleep.  Do you remember?  Maybe it's better if you don't-I was probably off key a lot.  I'm not a good singer."

Closing my eyes, I picture him as a baby in my arms once more, fussy and small...smelly.  I remember the smelly part all too well.  He had been precious then, so much so that even my tiny dark heart had made room for him.

Harry groans in pain and calls me out of my reminiscing session.  I am going to fucking kill Lockhart at the next opportune moment; taking the bones out of the boys arm, the bloody berk!

"I'll get him back for you Harry," I promise, "Next time he sits next to me in the Great Hall, he'll be drinking a healthy portion of my special stool softener in his pumpkin juice."

The thought of this makes me chuckle.  Special indeed, my stool softener would keep him detained for a good three days at the very least, no matter how little he ate. 

Sometimes, being a potions master had its perks.

Harry cries out in his sleep, causing me greater mental pain than he could ever imagine.  I hate seeing the boy sick-he looks so small and helpless.  He looks like he needs me.

"Shh...it will all be over by morning," I say in the most soothing voice I can muster. 

I wish there was more I could do.  I know I can't stay much longer, as I can't risk being caught.  No one can see me being anything more to the boy than a nasty teacher who has it out for him.

I gently lay him back down on the bed and tuck him in with care.  "I love you," I whisper, "and one day Harry, when this war is all over...I'll finally be able to be what you need."

That's all I can offer him:  promises for the future.

I kiss his scar.

I hope the future is soon.

OOOOOOO 

December 12, 1981

"I want to know what the fuck is going on around here!" I yell, anger overcoming my relief like a storm quickly covering the sunshine during monsoon season.

I push Lily away from me, keeping hold of her shoulders and looking into her eyes dangerously.  "Why did you let me think you were dead for a whole month?  I want answers!  NOW!"

"Sev, just sit down, calm down, and I'll explain." Lily says in a pinched voice, trying to push me into a seat without success.

"No, I want-"

"Sit down Severus and shut your gob!" She hollers and finally manages to get me into the seat.  Dumbledore hands me a calming draught and I down it in one gulp like it's fire whiskey.  

"Well, lay it on me!  What's your lousy excuse for this new and idiotic stunt?" I snarl, not easily placated by the potion.  I've taken so many calming draughts that I'm basically immune to them at this point.

"Sev," she says in that annoyingly calm voice she always uses when she's trying to get me to see reason, "I needed to do something for the war effort.  You're always out helping, gaining information for the Order-"

"Only because I have to!  The moment I can get myself out of this mess will be the moment I leave it all behind!" I yell.

"But you're doing something Sev, you're being useful!  I haven't been able to do a thing to help and I've wanted to for a long time now!  After James died-"

"Oh, that would be your reason, wouldn't it?" I ask maliciously, "Take action because your old flame bit the dust!  Then again, maybe he's alive and well just like you!  Maybe you've spent the past month fucking the man you wish you had married!"

Her hand connects with my cheek at the same time as an outraged Dumbledore says my full name with audible disgust.  My cheek burns; she hits it again.

"That's not true you sad bastard!" she screams, tears running down her face.  "James gave his life to protect Harry and you know it!  Dumbledore gave me a job when he died and I took it, you bastard, I took it!"

She tries to hit me again, but I put up a shield with my wand just in time to avoid it.  Lily is now raving like some savage beast.  Dumbledore pulls her away for a calming draught.

After she looks pacified, I decide to continue our row.  "I don't care about any stupid job for the Order-I care about Harry and guess what Lily?  Since you faked your death, he got taken away and placed with your sister, the hag!" I roar. 

Lily has the sense to look ashamed at this point.  "Sacrifices have to made Sev-"

"Sacrificing your son for the war effort?  You're sick Lily, sick!  Don't you know what you're giving up?" I scream, officially pissed off and ready to walk out on these fools.

"We can get him back soon enough-Voldemort is dead and we'll be certain that he'll stay dead soon enough!"

"Is this true?" I ask, directing my question at the old codger who has been mysteriously quiet during our spat.

"Well, I would expect you to have Harry back within the next two years, my boy." Dumbledore answers, though from the look in his eyes, I'm not certain he's telling the truth.

I sigh and look down dejectedly.  "What kind of job is this anyway?"

"A spy job Sev." Lily says cautiously.

My head snaps up in surprise.  I grab Lily's left arm and pull up her sweater sleeve.

"Not that kind of spy Sev." she says, rolling her eyes.

"Then what kind are you-out with it!" I say, losing my patience once again.

"This kind Sev," she says and holds out a metal clock.

A time turner.

Bloody hell.