December 3, 1997

I need her.

Now.

"Maybe she'll turn up tonight..." whispers an annoyingly optimistic part of my brain as I sit in Dumbledore's chair, frustrated with the papers in front of me on Dumbledore's desk.

She won't though.  She never comes home when I need to see her-only when she finds some need that I alone can fulfill will she come back to the safety of our home.  Really, our relationship is quite one-sided in this way.

Too bad I love her enough not to care.

If only she understood the type of life she was forcing me to lead in her absence...  If only she understood the horrible life she had forced Harry to live; Harry, her son of all people!  The boy has seen more tragedies and felt more pain than any one person ever deserved.

It was all her fault.

Today of all days, I really need her to be here and be my confidant.  I need to tell someone about what those wretched Carrows did Luna Lovegood.  I need to talk about how Minerva, who was once a trusted and dear friend, won't even look me in the eye now.  I need to talk about the vile things the Dark Lord is making me brew.  I need to complain about the fact that I never wanted to be the blasted headmaster of Hogwarts!  I need to talk about what a bad job I'm doing!  I need to scream about Dumbledore's bloody plans and how he's used me!

I need these things!  Lily, where are you?

OOOOOOO 

March 29, 1996

I sigh as she snuggles up even closer to me, gently wrapped in my left arm.  Her skin is soft and warm against my bare body as we lay together in my cold dungeon bed.  The darkness brings me comfort, as I know I'm nothing worth looking at.

I can hear and feel her hot breaths next to my ear as she tries to calm herself after my ministrations.  Soft and wet lips touch down on my face, right below my ear, causing me to shiver with pleasure.  Her cold hand follows the kiss and strokes my face with tender care.

"Oh Sev," she breaths, "I miss you when I'm gone."

"Likewise." I murmur in agreement.

However, that doesn't stop the empty feeling deep within my chest.

OOOOOOO 

November 1, 1981

"NO!" I scream to my empty rooms as I slam the portrait door with a strength I didn't know I possessed.

The shock of it is affecting my nervous system; I'm shaking and tingling all over.  I can't seem to get enough air into my lungs either, no matter how deeply I breathe in.

Barely holding myself up, I stumble over to the liquor cabinet and grab a decanter of absinthe, the strongest thing I have.  I don't bother with the sugar cubes, skipping all the necessary preparations to water it down.  I want to be drunk and fast.  The green liquid tastes like shite without sugar, but I don't care.

The pain is unbearable without it.

OOOOOOO 

September 21, 1992

I glance up from the head table as a large brown owl swoops towards me in a practiced manner.  How odd, as I had not been expecting any post today.  I gently untie the message from the monstrous beast, feed it a rasher, then send it on its way.

Carefully unrolling the tiny message, I munch on a rasher of my own while reading.

Dear Professor Snape,

I know we don't know each other, but it is of the utmost importance that we meet and discuss something that I'm sure you will find very near and dear to your heart.  I cannot mention the topic in this letter, I'm afraid, as it is much too personal.  Reply immediately with a time and location that suit you.

Sincerely,

Mortimer Greenwell    

As I put the letter down, I frown; what personal business could this man have with me?  I do not know him or have any idea as to why he might demand my presence for the discussion of ‘personal business.' 

"Let me guess, another disgruntled parent!" I hear coming from my right.  Minerva, I note, before looking up into her stern face.  "Just last week, little Benjamin Lockwood's mother sent me a howler because I gave him an E on a test!  An E, for Merlin's sake!  You'd have thought the world was ending just because that boy got an E!" she fumed, obviously still irked by the thought of a parent criticizing her for something the woman certainly couldn't understand without a parent-professor conference of some sort.

"No...at least, I don't think it is.  Is there a student with the last name Greenwell here?" I ask, hoping to perhaps clear away some of the lingering fog around the letter.

"Greenwell?  Not that I know of...  Why do you ask?" She questions curiously.

Good grief, could nothing be private with this staff? 

"Do I need to remind you who the owl brought the letter to Minerva?  Clearly, it was only meant for one set of eyes," I drawl.  "It's just rubbish anyway-an offer I'm not taking up."

After saying that, I crumple the paper in my hand with satisfaction before banishing it.  Minerva frowns at this.

"Be careful Severus, lest you use up all of your snark on me and not have any left for your students this morning.  We wouldn't want them to think you were going soft, after all." She says snootily, obviously trying to get a rise out of me before class.

I snort at this and then, with a straight face, reply, "Why Minerva, when it comes to my ‘snark,' as you put it, my supply is certainly unlimited and constantly in demand.  It even seems to help me deal with gossipy old Gryffindors at the breakfast table."

With a laugh, she excuses herself from the table and heads to her classroom.

OOOOOOO 

October 10, 1976

"Severus?"

I look up from my Advanced Potions book and turn around to see who is addressing me.  Coming from the castle is one Lily Evans.  Alone.

I turn back towards the lake as my eyes widen in shock.  Lily and I haven't spoken in months...not since the end of my fifth year when the incident happened.

I don't know what to do.

Panic sets in.  Quickly, I manage to make my face look neutral before she comes over.

"Hi Sev," she says softly, sitting down beside me even though I haven't given her any sort of invitation to do so.

I decide to play along and see what happens.  "Lily," I reply, acknowledging her presence without looking up from my text.

"Out enjoying the nice weather, I see."

"Yes...well, it's rather nice to get some fresh air for a change after spending hours over a smoldering caldron," I reply, mentally grimacing; I hate small talk.

"Understandable.  How is Slughorn's class going for you this year?"

Good grief, how much longer was she going to go on like this?  Ignoring her question, I decide to cut to the chase.  "Why are you here Lily?"

Silence.

Finally, she says, "I don't know...I guess I miss you, Sev.  That's why."

I close my eyes.  I don't know how to respond to this.  Therefore, I put my nastiest foot forward by default.  "Who put you up to this sick joke Lily?  Is James watching us from the castle with a telescope, waiting for the moment when you take it all back and break poor Snivelly's heart?"

Sounding remorseful, she replies, "James doesn't know I'm here Sev; none of the Marauders do.  I came because I wanted to speak with you alone."

"How do I know that Lily?  Why should I trust you when you spend all your time with those Gryffindors?" I ask, my voice practically dripping with venom.

"I tried to help you Severus-don't you dare forget that!" She says angrily, "I tried to help you and you called me a mudblood!  You're the one who got us into this mess in the first place!"

"At least I tried to apologize!  I knew I was wrong and you would not accept my apology!  My very sincere apology!" I hiss, scowling at her; how dare she pin this on me!

"Well, it took me a while to forgive you Severus!  Let's not forget that you using the ‘m' word was only the tip of the iceberg, mister ‘I-dabble-with-the-dark-arts-in-my-spare-time!'  Mister ‘I-piss-around-with-creeps-like-Mulciber-and-Avery-in-my-spare-time!'  They support You-Know-Who Severus!  How could you-"

"Put a sock in it Lily!  I could say the same for you, Miss ‘I-spend-time-with-the-Maruaders!' Miss ‘I-"

"This was a bad idea!" She says, looking angrier than I've seen her in a long time.  "Goodbye Severus."

She storms away without another word.

"Fine, leave you stupid twat!  I don't need you!" I yell after her.

She doesn't look back.

OOOOOOO 

June 1, 1986

I stare at the black ceiling and listen to Lily breathing beside me.

I decide to ask her something I've never dared to ask her before.  "Lily...do you ever think about how your life would be if he were here with you?"

There is no question as to whom the word he is referring to.

"Sometimes," she answers softly.

The pain of this whole situation fills me up to the brim with emotions that I'd rather ignore than embrace.  However, I find that I need to know, even if the truth hurts.

"Do you think you'd prefer it if he were here?"

"I'm not sure.  My life would be much more boring if he were here, though it would also be less stressful.  As it is now, I can visit him on occasion during my travels-check and make sure he's all right, you know.  I do admit to missing him from time to time...  I mean, how could I not after all the time we spent together?"

My body trembles with anger upon hearing this.  "You've been visiting him?  Without telling me?"

She can sense that I'm angry and tries to wrap her arms around me, but I roll away, horrified that she's been using me for so long.

"Please don't be jealous Sev...please," she begs.

I don't say another word for the rest of the night.

OOOOOOO 

December 12, 1981

"Come, my boy, I have something to show you," Dumbledore says, "and I do believe it might be a bit of a shock."

Why can't he tell that I don't care?  I don't give rat's arse about what he wants to show me.  Despite this, I follow him blindly anyway, as if he's a shepherd leading one of his most faithful sheep to the pasture.

And what could be a bigger shock than my wife dying?  Didn't Dumbledore know that?  The sick rat bastard, saying stuff like that when he knew damn well-

Oh.

Oh.

OOOOOOO

December 7, 1976

It had come to me in a dream:  theoretically, if I was to add creamed root of marigold and dried mouse hearts to a blood replenishing potion, perhaps it would seal up actively bleeding wounds as well as replenish the blood supply.  The marigold root is a natural stauncher and the dried mouse hearts would neutralize its other, less-than-helpful property of bloating things to abnormal sizes.

It could work...in theory.

Naturally, after discussing the possibility with Slughorn, I had to try it. 

Slipping into the potions lab, I was rather surprised to find that I wasn't the only one there.  At the station closest to the ingredients closet was Lily, grinding up some sort of silver bark.

I slip quietly behind her and go to the closet.  She gasps and jumps, having not seen me come in.  I give her a little smirk and acknowledge her presence.  "Lily."

"Severus," she replies, clearly annoyed with me.

It's funny that no matter how mad we are at each other, we never resort to calling each other by our last names. 

I quickly load my arms with potions supplies and head over to the farthest station from Lily to start my potion.  I take out my wand and light a fire under one of the school's copper caldrons, which are really the best for brewing anything involving blood. 

My nose is enlightened by all of the wonderful scents created as I prepare my ingredients with care.  I am just about to start adding my base, when I am interrupted by Lily's panicked voice.

"Severus, help!  I added too much powdered silver birch bark and it's not responding to its neutralizer!" She said uneasily.

Silver birch bark is rather dangerous.  I run over.

The potion is boiling dangerously-it looks very unstable.  I quickly look at the table she was using for a clue as to how I might fix it.

There's a number two silver stirring spoon.

Silver.

"Lily, you used a silver stirrer with silver birch bark!  You can only use platinum because it reacts badly with other metals!" I say, now officially panicked.  Slughorn will never forgive either of us if he doesn't have a room to come back to in the morning.

"Can you fix it Sev?"

"Belt up!  I'm trying to think, for fuck's sake!"

Lily looks scared; I probably do too and I only have one idea about how to neutralize this.  Quickly, I run to the closet and pull out a dried clump of Queen Anne's lace and throw it into her caldron.

It looks like it's going to blow.

"Sev-"

"Shite!  Stop yakking and get under Slughorn's desk!  NOW!" I scream and quickly pull her to the front of Slughorn's classroom at a dead run.  I jump over his desk and scoot under it, then grab her and pull her into my arms with the hope of shielding her from the blow.

Neither of us is protected enough though and we both know it.

"Sev, I'm sorry about everything," she says weakly, squeezing my arm tightly.

I close my eyes.

"I'm sorry too Lily." I whisper at the last moment.

We wait in silence.  One of my hands is right above Lily's breast and I can feel her heart thundering in her chest.

Nothing happens.

Both of us know good and well that if it were going to explode, it would have done so by now.   However, we stay silent under the desk, unmoving, for another five minutes just in case.

Now certain that nothing was going to happen, I take my hands off Lily and poke her in the back, signaling her to get off me.  She does and is very unladylike about it; I get a glimpse of her underwear.

Black edged with red lace.

I'll be dreaming about that for weeks to come.

I follow her over to her cauldron and together we look in.  The potion is now completely still and light blue in color.  It smells like a combination of cheese and toothpaste:  not a good combination, if you ask me.

"It looks stable." I say, stating the obvious.

"Sev, did you mean what you said?" she asks cautiously, "You know, under the desk?"

Bloody hell.

I say the only thing that I can say at this point.

"Yes."

OOOOOOO 

September 4, 1991

There he is.

He looks like her-has he beautiful green eyes and what could potentially be a manipulative smile, one that I have a lot of experience dealing with.

I wish things could be different between us, but this is the only way.

OOOOOOO 

December 8, 1997

She's still not here.

Maybe she's off visiting him.

Him. 

I've never quite understood her relationship with James, not even during our Hogwarts days.  She always described him as her fling, as a flight of fancy.  Someone to experiment with.  Someone to date while waiting for me to come to my senses and sweep her off her feet.

I never quite bought that explanation.

I always wonder if she really has feelings for me or if it's all just a sham; after all, our marriage was kind of forced upon us and things were never quite the same with her after he died.

I wish I knew the truth.

I need to know the truth.

OOOOOOO

January 29, 1977

I can't believe I'm seeing this.

All I had wanted to do was go to the owlery and mail a small letter to my mother to reassure her that I'm okay.  I get the owl all ready and I send it off, only to look down in the courtyard and see two people bonking up against the side of the castle.  Normally, I wouldn't have given a rat's arse about such a thing, but then I noticed who the people were.

Lily and that blasted tosser Potter!

I feel myself flushing with anger as I watch them go at it quickly, as if starved for each other.  They don't even bother to take off each other's clothes, for fuck's sake-Potter lifts her skirt up, unzips his pants, and goes from there.  There is nothing remotely romantic looking about it either; it simply looks like a quick afternoon shag on the lawn. 

"But she had said she didn't even like him!" my mind screams as I clench my fists, "She said she wanted me, so why is she fucking him?!"

Finally, I turn away disheartened.  She won't want me anyway.  Not after she finds out what I did last summer.

OOOOOOO 

January 2, 1992

"I had to move the Mirror of Erised.  I'm afraid Harry has been looking in it quite frequently during the break.  The poor boy, he sees Lily and James in there." Dumbledore says as we take our tea.

I scowl and slam my cup down on his desk much harder than is necessary.

"Well, who else would he see?" I ask sarcastically.  That stupid boy was hero-worshiping Lily and James!

Idiot.

OOOOOOO 

May 23, 1984

I hear her gasp.  A moment later, she bumps me out of my nearly sleeping state and sits up, obviously trying to calm herself down after having a bad dream.

I place my cold hand on her back to comfort her, but it doesn't seem to have much of an effect on her.  After a moment, she scoots away from me, leaving me cold in my dungeon bed. 

"Lily?" I question as I hear her rummaging through what I think is the drawer in her bedside table. 

Taking my wand out from under my pillow, I cast a small lumos.

She's got that thing in her hand.  She looks relieved.

She puts it back in the drawer and scoots in to cuddle up beside me once again.  "Sorry Sev, I just needed to make sure it was still there."

OOOOOOO

May 5, 1977

I find my walk to the ingredients closet interrupted when two hands push me up against the wall rather forcefully and then she's on me, her hands all over me like black on a cauldron.  I can hardly breathe because her lips are demanding so much.

I'm shocked, to say the least and thus I don't really know what to do other than participate.  I kiss her back as she makes my body tingle in a way I've never felt before.  Her hips start grinding against mine and before you know it, I'm hard as a rock down there.

As one of her hands grips my bum, I think about how terribly erotic this whole thing is:  Lily fucking a death eater at night in the potions lab.

Death eater.

Suddenly, a wave of guilt crashes over me and I become oblivious to her ministrations.

She still doesn't know...  She deserves to know.  In fact, she needs to know before we do this; before I fall arse over elbow in love with her.  I can't bear to keep going when she doesn't know what she's getting herself into.

I'm just about to stop her when her fingers yank my shirt out of my pants, then start to slide down into unknown territory.

Oh sweet Merlin!

I catch her wrist in my hand and stop her before she reaches her destination.

"Lily," I breathe in a much higher voice than I remember having, "we can't do this."

I pull her hand out of my pants and we stare at each other as we both try to catch our breaths.  She looks confused.  "Why not Sev?"

I sigh.  Really, this was much too good to be true anyway.  It was doomed from the beginning, as I never have good things happen in my life.  ‘All good things come to an end' is the way people usually refer to it and that is certainly what's going to happen here today.

I'm about to end the best thing that ever happened to me.

"I'm sorry Lily, but I've made a terrible mistake," I start to say, uncertain of how to put this into words, which is a rare occurrence for me.

"Sev," she asks in a quiet voice, "Are you breaking up with me?"

I look at her deeply troubled face and say, "No...but you're going to break up with me after I tell you this."

"I don't understand Sev."

Those green eyes are begging me, pleading me not to do it, but it's really for their own good.  I hold out my left arm, still covered by my white shirtsleeve.  "I did it this last summer, after our fight.  It was a mistake.  I wish I had never done it.  I'm sorry Lily.  You deserve better." I say quietly.

Lily, on the other hand, looks shaken.  I knew I wouldn't have to say it; she's a smart girl and she knows what's under my shirtsleeve.  For reason's unknown to me, however, she needs to see it; I watch her unbutton my sleeve and yank up the white material.

My mark is now in full view.  I look down, not wanting to see her face.  Surprisingly, she doesn't run away immediately; I suppose her Gryffindor bravery is what keeps her here.

Her hands are gentle as she pulls my sleeve back into place and carefully buttons it back up.  "Sev," she says, now gripping my hand as I lower it back to my side, "If you think it's a mistake, why don't you leave him?"

I chuckle quietly.  "Lily, he'll kill me if I betray him.  He'll kill me if I leave."

She is silent.  I stand there with my head still down, more emotions running through my head than I know how to deal with.

"Do you hate me?" I whisper.

Her arms wrap around me suddenly.  "No," She says as she nuzzles her head into my neck, "You're still my best friend and I want to help you get through this."

And help me she did.

OOOOOOO 

November 2, 1981

Light.

I groan as the lamps flicker to life in my parlor.  Who the hell is here?

"Completely arseholed, just as I suspected."

I'm not sure whom the voice belongs to.  I try to get up, only to find myself still much too drunk to do so.  Suddenly, an arm is under my shoulder, trying to boost me up.

I'm confused-why am I standing?

It turns out that it's Minerva helping me up.  "Down...put me," I try to say, but it comes out so jumbled that no one could possibly understand it.

"You've had a hard night Severus and I'm afraid the worst is yet to come." Minerva says as she drags me somewhere.  All I can really think about it how much my head is throbbing and how mean Minerva was for lighting the lamps.

The next thing I know is that I'm on my bed and my feet feel cold.  A warm blanket flutters down onto me and is gently tucked around my body.

It smells like her.  It smells like Lily.

"Why..." I stammer, "Why?"

Then Minerva comes over and wipes away the tears that I didn't even know were there.  "I'm sorry for your loss Severus.  We all loved Lily dearly here at Hogwarts."

I try to tell her how it doesn't make sense, how Lily shouldn't have even been at his house.  Nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense though.  I hate myself as I see the pity in Minerva's eyes.

"Sleep it off Severus, then I'll come back to talk," she says softly, then strokes my hair until I pass out.

OOOOOOO

November 16, 1995

"Severus," Minerva says, coming into my office without so much as a knock at the closed door, "There's a ‘Mortimer Greenwell' in the office, wanting to meet with you."

I don't even look up from my grading and continue to make angry red marks across the pages.  "I didn't make an appointment with him; send him away."

"You're acting ridiculous Severus.  He's been trying to talk with you for years!  Why on Earth won't you go and see what he wants?  Aren't you even curious?" she asks, sounding astonished at my behavior.

She shouldn't be.  She's known me for years.

"No.  If he doesn't see fit to tell me why I need to meet with him then I don't believe I will be doing so anytime soon." I grumble, annoyed at the man's persistence. 

"You're being rude Severus." comes her curt reply.

"Obviously so is he if he won't tell me why I need to see him."

She sighs and gives up.  I don't look up, but listen as she walks to the door and closes it.

OOOOOOO

April 17, 1978

Her lips are all over me, driving me wild.  We're up at the Astronomy Tower instead of fulfilling our prefect duties, which is just fine with me.  It's dark and the stars are above us, which makes it seem like we're apart of some sappy romance novel where the two lovebirds have everything going perfectly for them.  Just for a moment while we have it out on the tower, I think things are going that way for us too.

She's so into it tonight, more so than is usual for her.  She's touching me as if she's not going to see me for a while, which I know isn't true because we've planned to work on potions together tomorrow night.  I don't question this though and just let her have her dirty way with me.

Right when I start to get to the good part, she stills for a moment and then starts to kiss me slowly.  At first I'm confused about this and then I notice where her eyes are.

Someone's watching us.  I can practically feel the eyes burning into my back.  I pull out of her kiss. 

"Who's there Lily?" I murmur just loud enough for her to hear.

She starts to lick my neck.  "James," she whispers, "Keep going."

I do as I'm told, trying to ignore the eyes that are staring at the back of my head.  Eventually, I hear soft footsteps going in the opposite direction.

"Well, that takes care of that," she says, smirking at me evilly.

I smirk back.  She is truly wicked-I love that about her.  "Revenge is best served hot..." I reply with a grin, "It looks like I'll make a Slytherin out of you yet!"

I didn't need to be an influence for her though; She definitely was a Slytherin.  That damn hat was wrong!

OOOOOOO

August 2, 1993

"How was your day Sev?" Lily asks, a big smile plastered on her face as she takes a bite of her roast beef from across the table.

"It went reasonably well.  I managed to brew a large batch of skelegrow, which will hopefully be enough to patch up the little brats until the end of the year." I say, looking up at her from the Daily Prophet.

I decide to take a chance.  "What did you do?"

Lily suddenly looks sullen because she knows where this conversation is going to go.  "I reported to Dumbledore."

"And you can tell the old codger about your journeys, but do not see fit to tell your husband," I reply snarkily, "That makes a lot of sense."

Now she looks angry.  "You know I can't tell you about it Severus or you'll go barmy.  I don't care about Dumbledore's sanity-I care about yours."

We don't say anything to each other for the remainder of dinner.

I don't regret it.

OOOOOOO 

January 13, 1996

Somehow I manage to hold it in until he's angrily left the room.  However, the moment the dungeon door slams behind him, I fall to my knees and start to puke all over the floor. 

Bloody hell...

When it's finally over, I cast a quick scourgify to the stone floor and pick myself up with shaking legs.  I'm breathing heavily and trying my best to hold in the renegade tears that are threatening to leave my eyes.   

He was supposed to be safe at the Dursleys!  Safe and loved!  Wasn't that what he'd promised the boy all of those years ago?  He hadn't cared whether he was Harry Potter or Harry Snape-he had just wanted the boy to be safe and cared for!

So how on Earth had this happened?  What he'd just seen in the boy's mind was far from the kind of life he'd imagined him having.  Lily said she'd been watching him all of these years-hadn't she ever seen this?

Why didn't she do anything about this?!

"Fuck!" I scream, needing some kind of an outlet for all the anger I am currently harboring.

I then proceed to kick several of the tables over in the lab until I'm exhausted and my rage is gone.

I feel helpless and hate it.  There's nothing I can do to make this better.

Not a damn thing.

OOOOOOO

February 3, 1977

"Sev, what's wrong?" Lily asks, her bright eyes looking a little sad.  "You've been acting funny all night."

I don't look at her and continue to stir the bright yellow potion counterclockwise with a number eight golden stirring spoon.  I watch as the yellow slowly turns to puce, just as it's supposed to.

"Sev..." she says, now giving me a look that tugs at my heart more than I was willing to admit.

"Yes?" I say, replying only because I don't want to loose what I've so recently gained.

Then again, depending on how this conversation goes, it might already be gone.

"Tell me what's wrong," she says, rubbing her hand on my arm-the hand that had recently gotten Potter off in the courtyard.  "I can't make you feel better if you don't tell me what's wrong."

I decide to be blunt.  "You've been with Potter."

She actually has the audacity to look confused.  "What are you talking about Sev?"

Turning to my side, I look down into her lying eyes.  "I saw you two shagging in the courtyard-that's what I'm bloody talking about!"

"Sev, I can-"

"Don't try to deny it!" I say, getting louder as I get more incensed with the situation, "I saw you!  I'm not blind or an idiot!  He had your skirt up like you were some sort of street corner tart!"

She smacks my arm, hard, and causes me to drop my stirring spoon into the cauldron.  "How dare you-"

"How dare I?" I bellow, interrupting her infuriated shrieking, "How dare you!  You said you wanted to be with me and then you turn around and fuck another man, but not just any other man!  You decide to fuck bloody-fucking-Potter!"

"Severus Snape, stop being jealous and listen to me before you judge!  I'm doing this for you!" she yells, making me stop in my tracks.

My sarcasm decides to make a guest appearance at this point.  "Oh really?  Well, by all means, do tell me how you fucking that bloody berk Potter is doing me a bloody favor!  Go on, let's hear those lips of yours spout a good Slytherin lie!"

"I'm taking revenge Sev!  I'm going to get him back for doing all of those mean things he did to you!" she claims.

"Indeed.  Well, if that's the case, I wish you'd take revenge on me!  I'd like more revenge than Potter, if you please!"

"You're jealous," she whispers more to herself than to me, "I didn't mean for it to be this way."

She looks really sad and it makes me decide to hear her side of the story; damn those puppy eyes of hers!  "Lily, what does shagging Potter have to do with getting revenge on him?  To me, it sounds like I'm the revenge recipient in this situation." I say, doing my best to tone down my snark for a moment.

"I'm pretending to date him Sev.  I'm going to make him fall in love with me and then, then I'll stab him in the back.  It's the perfect revenge, don't you see?  He thinks he's beaten you and I'm going to lead him along that path until he's good and comfortable, then I'll pull the rug out from under his posh arse and make him fall.  Oh, and he'll fall hard...trust me, he will."

I stare at her.  Is this the Lily I've known for the last seven years?  Did she come up with this nasty plan herself?  Why, it was positively Slytherin, even if it was just a lie!

Perhaps the hat had been wrong.

"Sev, what are you thinking?" Lily asks, looking a bit conscientious about what she just said.

I look at her and say, "I'm wondering if you're lying.  After all, Potter is the one getting shagged in this arrangement, not me."

Lily frowns at this.  "Sev, I want to take things slowly with you.  We've only just begun to try this out."

"You haven't been with Potter all that long either, yet he's getting it.  I suppose it must come down to good looks and I certainly have no chance of winning that sort of contest." I say, trying my best not to sound as hurt as I'm feeling.

"Sev..."

I look down.

She puts her hands on my face and forces me to look at her.  Her hands feel soft and warm on my face; I do my best to look at her, though I feel very insecure at the moment.

"Sev, I want to take things slowly with you because you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you again if this doesn't work out.  James Potter is just a no-good drunk; he's not important to me.  All he's good for is a quick fuck really, nothing more.  There's no emotion between him and I-but you and I Sev, we're something special.  I don't want to lose you.  I don't want to mess this up...  Do you understand that?"

Even though the sensible part of my brain is yelling at me, screaming that this is a trap, I choose to not listen to its squabbling.  I say yes so that I, Severus Snape, can feel hope...even if it is short-lived.

OOOOOOO 

November 6, 1979

I stop by James' house to see if what Lily said was really true.  She was right-it's three in the afternoon and he's passed out on a scraggly sofa, a bottle of Ogden's finest beside his makeshift bed.

The coffee table is littered with quite an assortment of liquor bottles as well.

As I turn to leave, I can't help but wonder if we played a part in making him the worthless drunk he is today.

OOOOOOO

December 23, 1986

I smile at her as she gets into bed and quickly turns off the light with a soft nox.  Silently, she kisses me goodnight and then cuddles into my body to keep warm as I cover us both up with a warm comforter.  As I settle in, she snuggles even closer, her head burrowing into the soft flannel of my nightshirt. 

It's then that I feel it.

She didn't take it off.

I frown.  Even though it's under her nightgown, I can practically feel the cold metal against my side.  It's ruined both my life and hers, not to mention Harry's and now it's snuggled awkwardly against me like an extra person in our marriage bed.

I wonder if she loves me more than she loves it or if it's the other way around.

OOOOOOO

December 12, 1981

I stare.

She smiles at me.

"Hi Sev," she says softly with an unreadable expression on her face.

I think it's pity.

She walks over and hugs me.  My arms wrap around her and she feels solid, corporal, real...

Could it be that I'm not imagining this?

"Sev, please say something..." she pleads, sounding slightly panicked from my shoulder.

"Are you real?" I whisper.

"Yes."

I cry.

She's alive.

OOOOOOO 

May 6, 1977

"Well, I think that settles that," Dumbledore says, handing me a bottle of remedy for the Veritaserum.  I swallow it eagerly, more than ready to get rid of the cottony feeling that is filling my head.  Within a matter of seconds, I feel normal again.

I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder and look up from my chair to see Lily's smiling face.  "You did great Sev," she whispers.

I frown back at her.  This did not go as I had planned!  Instead of being offered a door out of this situation, I'm being pushed back in as a bloody spy!  Some help Dumbledore is!  Doesn't he realize what he is asking of me?

I glower at the old codger.  "Exactly how am I supposed to be with Lily and keep her safe during all of this professor?" I ask, laying on the sarcasm as heavily as is possible.

"Calm down, my boy," he says, patting my arm reassuringly before sitting down at his desk, "Lily is, after all, a very powerful witch and very capable of taking care of herself.  Together, I'm sure you'll do a fine job of keeping your relationship a secret, which will in turn keep you both safe."

A secret.

Well, I guess that's better than not having a relationship at all.

OOOOOOO

March 30, 1993

I peek into Poppy's office.  She's asleep, as was expected at three in the morning, but one could never be too sure.  I silently close her office door and put a silencing charm on it.  Next, I lock the infirmary doors and close the floo, both necessary precautions for the risk I'm about to take.

But I need to see him, so I take the risk.

He's the only one in the infirmary, which makes the trip a lot easier than the other times I've done this.  Also, he's already in a deep, potion-induced sleep and I know I will not wake him up.

Slowly, I approach his isolated bed, pull the curtain open and then closed to let myself in.

I grimace-Harry looks horrible.  The poor boy has sweat dripping down his face and is tense, as if in great pain.

Skelegrow was a bitch; I knew that from experience.

Gently, I sit down on the edge of the boy's bed and wipe some of sweat off his forehead with my hand.  He still looks very uncomfortable.  Deciding to take an even larger risk, I gently hoist the small 12 year-old boy up onto my lap and hold him gently, being very careful not to bump his healing arm.

I snort as I look at his pained face.  "I'd look like that too if my worst enemy was holding me-good thing you won't remember this." I say softly, stroking his wet, sweaty hair a bit with one hand.

"I don't suppose you remember when I held you like this all those years ago...  I sang to you, you know.  I sang that lullaby about the unicorns every night when I put you to sleep.  Do you remember?  Maybe it's better if you don't-I was probably off key a lot.  I'm not a good singer."

Closing my eyes, I picture him as a baby in my arms once more, fussy and small...smelly.  I remember the smelly part all too well.  He had been precious then, so much so that even my tiny dark heart had made room for him.

Harry groans in pain and calls me out of my reminiscing session.  I am going to fucking kill Lockhart at the next opportune moment; taking the bones out of the boys arm, the bloody berk!

"I'll get him back for you Harry," I promise, "Next time he sits next to me in the Great Hall, he'll be drinking a healthy portion of my special stool softener in his pumpkin juice."

The thought of this makes me chuckle.  Special indeed, my stool softener would keep him detained for a good three days at the very least, no matter how little he ate. 

Sometimes, being a potions master had its perks.

Harry cries out in his sleep, causing me greater mental pain than he could ever imagine.  I hate seeing the boy sick-he looks so small and helpless.  He looks like he needs me.

"Shh...it will all be over by morning," I say in the most soothing voice I can muster. 

I wish there was more I could do.  I know I can't stay much longer, as I can't risk being caught.  No one can see me being anything more to the boy than a nasty teacher who has it out for him.

I gently lay him back down on the bed and tuck him in with care.  "I love you," I whisper, "and one day Harry, when this war is all over...I'll finally be able to be what you need."

That's all I can offer him:  promises for the future.

I kiss his scar.

I hope the future is soon.

OOOOOOO 

December 12, 1981

"I want to know what the fuck is going on around here!" I yell, anger overcoming my relief like a storm quickly covering the sunshine during monsoon season.

I push Lily away from me, keeping hold of her shoulders and looking into her eyes dangerously.  "Why did you let me think you were dead for a whole month?  I want answers!  NOW!"

"Sev, just sit down, calm down, and I'll explain." Lily says in a pinched voice, trying to push me into a seat without success.

"No, I want-"

"Sit down Severus and shut your gob!" She hollers and finally manages to get me into the seat.  Dumbledore hands me a calming draught and I down it in one gulp like it's fire whiskey.  

"Well, lay it on me!  What's your lousy excuse for this new and idiotic stunt?" I snarl, not easily placated by the potion.  I've taken so many calming draughts that I'm basically immune to them at this point.

"Sev," she says in that annoyingly calm voice she always uses when she's trying to get me to see reason, "I needed to do something for the war effort.  You're always out helping, gaining information for the Order-"

"Only because I have to!  The moment I can get myself out of this mess will be the moment I leave it all behind!" I yell.

"But you're doing something Sev, you're being useful!  I haven't been able to do a thing to help and I've wanted to for a long time now!  After James died-"

"Oh, that would be your reason, wouldn't it?" I ask maliciously, "Take action because your old flame bit the dust!  Then again, maybe he's alive and well just like you!  Maybe you've spent the past month fucking the man you wish you had married!"

Her hand connects with my cheek at the same time as an outraged Dumbledore says my full name with audible disgust.  My cheek burns; she hits it again.

"That's not true you sad bastard!" she screams, tears running down her face.  "James gave his life to protect Harry and you know it!  Dumbledore gave me a job when he died and I took it, you bastard, I took it!"

She tries to hit me again, but I put up a shield with my wand just in time to avoid it.  Lily is now raving like some savage beast.  Dumbledore pulls her away for a calming draught.

After she looks pacified, I decide to continue our row.  "I don't care about any stupid job for the Order-I care about Harry and guess what Lily?  Since you faked your death, he got taken away and placed with your sister, the hag!" I roar. 

Lily has the sense to look ashamed at this point.  "Sacrifices have to made Sev-"

"Sacrificing your son for the war effort?  You're sick Lily, sick!  Don't you know what you're giving up?" I scream, officially pissed off and ready to walk out on these fools.

"We can get him back soon enough-Voldemort is dead and we'll be certain that he'll stay dead soon enough!"

"Is this true?" I ask, directing my question at the old codger who has been mysteriously quiet during our spat.

"Well, I would expect you to have Harry back within the next two years, my boy." Dumbledore answers, though from the look in his eyes, I'm not certain he's telling the truth.

I sigh and look down dejectedly.  "What kind of job is this anyway?"

"A spy job Sev." Lily says cautiously.

My head snaps up in surprise.  I grab Lily's left arm and pull up her sweater sleeve.

"Not that kind of spy Sev." she says, rolling her eyes.

"Then what kind are you-out with it!" I say, losing my patience once again.

"This kind Sev," she says and holds out a metal clock.

A time turner.

Bloody hell.

December 17, 1977

I can smell the Yule Ball before I can see it; smoke is pouring out of the Great Hall as I pass by.  I can hear crazed students screaming, accompanying guitars blasting, and unruly rock personas who don't seem to have much musical talent.  When I walk by the door, I cannot help but peek inside to see a throng of bodies in decadent clothing mashed together amid the smoke, moving as if possessed by demons.

Thank Merlin I'm not in there. 

Relief washes over me as I rush out the door and get a gulp of untainted air.  I find that I don't regret skipping my last opportunity to dance at Hogwarts.  In fact, I'm quite grateful I'm not in there embarrassing myself with my two left feet.

Not that anyone would want to dance with me anyway.

Rather than submit myself to a rite of passage, I have chosen to spend my night gathering some of the frozen giant water ferns from the lake.  I plan to dry them and allow them to absorb the light of the next full moon for experimental potion purposes.  Winter is the best time to do this, as the giant squid is hibernating under the iced-covered lake and will not present a problem during the harvest.

As I walk towards the lake, I pull my Slytherin scarf more tightly around my neck.  It's bloody cold out and I can see my breath as I walk.  I am so lost in my thoughts about memory enhancing potions that I almost miss the sniffling sound coming from the barren rose garden.

Normally, I wouldn't give a rat's arse about some pitiful girl weeping by herself, but when I turn around to see who it is, I am shocked to see curly red locks and immediately head over to the culprit.

I get there quickly and unnoticed.  She's crying, alone, and looks as if she must be chilled to the bone.  Immediately, I shuck off my cloak and put it over her bony white shoulders.  "Lily, what are you doing-"

"Sev!" she gasps, then weasels her way into my arms, my cloak sliding off of her and onto the ground.

Immediately, I cast a disillusionment spell over us and shiver as I feel the cold spray of magic trickle down my spine.  Her arms are like ice around my neck.

"Lily, you need a coat!" I proclaim, then pull away for a minute to pick up my cloak off the ground.  After a bit of struggle, I manage to help her put the invisible cloak on her invisible body.  I then do my best to button it up, an action that makes me blush a bit because it seems so intimate.  I wrap my Slytherin scarf around her neck a few times and then cast a warming spell on both of us before allowing her to put her arms around me once again.

She is silent, which makes me a bit nervous; Lily really isn't a quiet kind of girl.  Before my disillusionment charm, she had looked rather out of place in the garden, all decked out in a posh green evening gown with stylish pleats at the bottom.

Eventually, her shivering stops along with her sniffles and I somehow find the courage to ask about her situation.  "Lily, what are you doing out here by yourself?  I thought James was taking you to the Yule Ball."

Indeed, it had seemed as if the Yule Ball was all she could talk about this whole week; how very excited she was to go dancing, even if she had to go with that beastly arse instead of me.  I had heard the details of her dress, hair, and nails all week long until I was longing for the whole bloody thing to be over.

"Sev, I don't understand it..." she murmurs as I feel her burrowing her face into my chest.

"What don't you understand?" I ask cautiously, uncertain about where this conversation is headed.

"I don't understand James," Lily cried, "He left me in the entryway to go spike the punch with Sirius and he never came back!  I looked for him and found him having drinks with Sirius and Remus...  It's like he forgot about me!"

What an utter sod!

I squeeze Lily tightly in my arms as she continues.  "I got all dressed up for nothing-he doesn't even care that he invited me!  All he wants to do is get drunk with his friends!" she sobs, her voice getting lower and more menacing towards the end of her story.

I rub Lily's back and try to kiss her invisible forehead; on my third try, I succeed. 

"Lily, I'm sorry that James is such a miserable sod.  I know you were excited about tonight." I say, trying to comfort her.

"I wish I could have gone with you Sev.  I wish we could be together publically," she murmurs into my chest, her warm breath making me shiver a bit.

"I do too," I say softly, also wishing it was possible.

Alas, it is not.

OOOOOOO 

May 12, 1977

My hand shakes as I take a quill in my hand to sign the magically binding contract in front of me.  I wish I had never listened to Mulciber and Avery.  I wish I had never went before the Dark Lord and taken his mark.  I wish I had never given up my free will.

I wish I could change everything.

I can't.

Now, as my hand scratches my signature on a contract that's sparkling with magic, I know there is no way out of this.  I have made my bed and now I have to lay in it.  I have doomed myself to serve not only one master now, but two.  Dumbledore has written out what he wants me to do with my life in return for his safety, and I will carry it out like the lapdog that I am.

At least this way, in the end I will have Lily, even if I have to work for Dumbledore all the days of my life.

Lily is worth it.

She has to be worth it; she's all I have left.

OOOOOOO 

September 3, 1992

I storm down the stone stairs leading to the dungeon, followed by slight static of my own unrestrained magic and the hesitant feet of two miscreants.  I can't believe what I just heard those boys say about me!  The sensible part of my brain keeps telling me that they are just boys and don't know what they speak of, but the angered side of me ignores it and continues to flare up at the thought of the blinkered jabs they have made.

My last two hours had been spent worrying about the boys too, as they had not shown up at the train station.  I waited until the last student got off the train too, hoping to get a glimpse of how much Harry had grown over the summer.  Imagine my surprise when he never came off the train.  Immediately, I panicked and went to Dumbledore, who initiated a search party to find the boy within a mere ten minutes.  The same went for Ronald Weasley, who had also chosen not to show up on the Express. 

Words cannot describe the anger I am feeling right now-it's as if I'm suffocating in fury.  How dare that boy do such an idiotic thing as taking a flying car to school!  He could have been killed, ramming it into the Whomping Willow like that!  For fuck's sake, what were they thinking?!

The boy has both disappointed and scared the living hell out me tonight; the only emotion I am allowed to express in my disguise is my anger and so I give the emotion all of my energy.  It builds up in me until we arrive in my office, at which time it explodes manically.  Afterwards, I sit at my desk in silence, contemplating how I couldn't help him when he needed it. 

Hell, even if I could have helped him, why would he ever want help from me?

After all, I'm just a greasy git, a dungeon bat, and a failure at teaching.  When this war is over, he will not want me.

OOOOOOO

June 19, 1982

It's time; I quickly distribute the appropriate amount of amaryllis stamens into the platinum cauldron in front of me.  A quick wave of my wand decreases the amount of flames beneath it as I allow my potion to simmer.

One glance at my textbook sends me looking through my stores for a strand of unicorn mane.  Of course, it has probably been pushed to the back of one of my many shelves, where items I rarely use often end up.  With precision and a steady hand, I carefully levitate the top shelves down, one by one, so I can examine their contents without dallying about on a ladder.

The process of finding the hair is long and arduous, though I succeed in finding quite a few other ingredients which I did not know I owned, as well as a few lost stirring spoons and a golden ladle.

I am just taking down the third shelf from the top when I hear the sound of the front door slamming viciously and the frantic pounding of feet above my head.  This is odd, as no one but Lily can enter my Hogwarts abode without me letting them in.  However, Lily wasn't supposed to be back from her trip to the past for at least three more days.

Before I can contemplate it any further, Lily bursts through the lab door and runs towards me.  She slams into me roughly, causing me to loose my concentration on levitating the shelf.  It crashes to the ground loudly and many of the jars and containers roll across the floor, a few spilling their contents in the process.

Though Lily is clutching me much harder than she ever has before, I still manage to pull her away for a moment, fearful about her current condition.

She is crying.

Lily doesn't cry...at least, not in front of me.  She has always led me to believe that she is both strong and infallible.  If something makes Lily mad or upset, she tends to react with patience and every once in a while, anger.  Lily really isn't a tearful person though.

Because of this, I am filled with worry as unfettered tears drip down her pale skin.

"Lily, what's wrong?" I ask her frantically, as I look her over for injuries.  "Are you hurt?"

Finally, her wet eyes meet mine, but they crinkle up even more as she scrunches her entire face up.  "I c-can't tell you..." she squeaks out in a high-pitched voice that sounds nothing like her normal tone.  "I'm not hurt Sev, I just..."

That said, she wraps her arms back around me and clings to me as if she is holding onto a canyon's ledge.  Not knowing what else to do, I hold her just as tightly.  Her sobs shake my body along with hers as she bawls uncontrollably on my shoulder.

It takes hours to consol her.

She never tells me what caused it.

OOOOOOO 

September 19, 1991

He's smiling again.  Harry has a great smile-it looks just like his mother's.

I have taken to watching him during meals.  It's the only time I see him acting normally, as he is very skittish around me during my class.  Of course, that is due to my treatment of him, which is necessary to us both safe during these trying times.

It pains me to see him that way though.  I really wish I could reach out to him, really act like a father as I had originally planned-

"Severus, my boy," I hear Dumbledore say as he interrupts my musings, "Don't you think your eyes should be somewhere else?"

Slowly, I tear my eyes away from Harry and turn my head until I am looking at Dumbledore in disbelief.  His eyes are reprimanding and I know why...

I'm putting the boy in danger.

Removing my eyes from Dumbledore, I stare down at the food on my plate.  I am no longer hungry.  For the remainder of the meal, I watch my roast beef get cold as I contemplate how things could have been if I hadn't become a death eater.

OOOOOOO

May 29, 1979

I hear the back door bang open behind me as I furiously stir the two cauldrons in front of me, counting my strokes for perfection.  I hear some rustling behind me and then see her out of the corner of my eye, watching and waiting for me to finish my intricate work before interrupting.

Another minute goes by and I am finally allowed to drop my stirring sticks and put stasis spells on both potions.  A mere second after I have spelled the second cauldron, she wraps her arms around me and kisses me deeply; I kiss her back and smile against her lips  before gently pulling back.

"How are you Sev?" she asks me with a smile, rubbing her hands up and down my torso.

"Good, and yourself?" I reply, unable to keep myself from smiling at her welcoming face.

"Better now that I'm here," she says and plants a kiss playfully on my nose before looking at the bubbling cauldrons in front of me, "One of these is dinner, I hope?"

"There's a veggie stew in the far right cauldron; it should be done in about five minutes."

"Sev, should you really be cooking it in a cauldron next to all these potions?  I'm not sure about how hygienic that is..." she says with a look of concern.

"It won't hurt anything-the porridge I made you last weekend came out of a cauldron and you didn't mention that."

Lily rolls her eyes at me and says, "That's because I didn't see it Sev; you served me breakfast in bed, remember?"

I grasp her shoulders and look her straight in the eye as I say, "Lily, it's going to be fine-I've been eating out of potion cauldrons for years and I'm just fine.  I always clean them out immaculately after making a potion.  Trust me, it will be fine."

"If you say so, mister potions master," she says, then grabs her wand and with a swish and a flick, her suitcases start to float.  "I'm going to take my stuff upstairs."

"Okay," I reply, walking over to the sink to wash my hands; I turn on the hot water and lather up as best I can to make my hands sanitary.  I smile to myself as I listen to her heels clonk up the wooden stairwell of my parents' rickety old house.  Technically, I haven't asked her to live with me yet, though she might as well be because she spends all of her nights off sleeping in my bed.

Her new international relations internship at the ministry is taking her all over the world every week, and so just like every week before this, I feel relieved that she has walked in the door, safe and sound.  I miss her when she isn't here, but it's probably better for her to be away currently, as I never seem to get much work done towards my potions mastery when she's around.

For once in my life, things seem to be going right.  I am well on my way towards getting the potions job that Dumbledore has waiting for me at Hogwarts and Lily seems to be having the time of her life with her internship.  

It won't last.

I hate to think it, but I know everything is much too good to be true.  Even the Dark Lord has been lazing around a bit, which is indeed curious, as that is not his nature.

In short, I imagine all hell is going to break loose in my life very soon.

Taking a wooden spoon, I search through the soup for the flavor-filled bay leaf I threw in.  As I search, I feel two inviting arms wrap around me from behind.  I sigh contently as Lily cuddles into me...

I better enjoy this while I can.

OOOOOOO

March 2, 1994

"Piss off you ruddy bird, I don't want your bloody letter!" I exclaim, trying my best to shoo away the extremely familiar bird that was yet again pestering me during my breakfast.

However, Mortimer Greenwell's owl is used to haggling me and immediately starts to yank on chunks of my hair until I take the letter off of his leg.  It sits on my shoulder for a few minutes, waiting for a piece of my banger, which I refuse to give it.  After a while, it poops on my shirt and flies away disgruntled.

I perform a quick scourgify to my shirt and then incendio the letter without a second thought.   I catch Minerva rolling her eyes at my antics, annoyed that I won't hear out Mr. Greenwell's plea.

I don't really care though.  It's not like it's going to be anything important.

OOOOOOO 

April 5, 1987

"Headmaster, may I have a word?" I ask, listening to the stone wall close behind me as I enter Dumbledore's office.

"Of course, Severus my boy, do have a seat," Dumbledore says quite casually, signaling me to sit in a leather chair in front of his desk.  "Tea?"

"Enough with the formalities Dumbledore, I want to know where my wife is-she said she'd be back by Thursday night and she's still not here-two days later!"

Dumbledore is silent, which grates on my already distressed nerves.  His Slytherin eyes are looking at me rather calculatingly.  I stare back, despite the fact that I am alarmed by his lack of an immediate answer.

Finally, he replies to me in a quiet voice, "I haven't the faintest clue where she is Severus.  You see, I did not send her out on a mission this week."

OOOOOOO

November 26, 1979

"Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen..." I mutter to myself as I see Lily waiting for me to finish out of the corner of my eye.  I frown at her as my lead stirring spoon makes its last revolution around the cauldron. 

"Lily, it's late and you are ill; why aren't you in bed right now?" I ask, glancing at the clock to see the time:  12:17 a.m.

"Well, I was hoping you'd join me first-you've been in this kitchen so long that I feel like I've barely even said hello to you today."

I sigh; I suppose she's right.  I have been terribly busy today with my potions research, so much so that I don't recall having dinner.  Potions don't make themselves, however, and I do have deadlines to meet, regardless of whether Lily is sick or well.

"I'll be up in a few minutes," I promise, "be in bed when I get upstairs."

She retreats up the stairs as I put the finishing touches on my experimental allergy reliever.  Twenty minutes and one sandwich later, I am pulling back the sheets of my bed and laying down beside her underneath the covers.

I grab my wand off the bedside table and reach up to spell off the lights, only to have the weight of Lily's hand on my arm stop me from completing my goal.

"Sev," she says with an odd look in her eye, "we need to talk."

Shite, this can't be good.

I take a breath in and get ready to hear what I assume will be some fairly bad news.  Perhaps she's had enough of me...perhaps she's going to tell me she wants James after all.

Oh please Merlin, don't let it be that.

Anything but that...

"Sev, I don't know how to say this...  Bloody hell, I don't even know how it happened and I certainly have no idea how you're going to react to th-"

Her rambling ignites my fear, as well as my anger and I interrupt her.  "Lily, for fuck's sake, stop dancing around the problem and tell me what's wrong!"

I watch as her eyelashes flutter at me; she tries to hide her shocked expression, with little effect.  Then she swallows her pride and says what she needs to say out loud.

The cynic in me is not disappointed.

"Sev...  I'm pregnant."

I stop thinking.  My heart skips a beat.  I am so utterly taken aback by this that I blurt out the first thing that pops into my mind.

"Is it even mine?"

The minute it escapes my lips, I know what a big mistake I've just made.  It is confirmed when her hand smacks my face with the force of a charging thestral.  Dumbstruck, I watch as Lily scrambles out of bed in a frenzy, panting as she brushes away a few escapee tears to make it look as though they never existed.

"I knew this would happen!" she shouts at me.  Her hair is messy from her tangle with the sheets and her face is blotchy with emotion.  "How dare you-how dare you!  Of course it's yours, you fucked-up arsehole!  Who else's would it be?  Oh let me guess-"

"You know damn well who's I think it is!  I have good reason to think it too!" I shout back.

"I don't understand why you won't trust me!  I love you Severus!  Merlin only knows why, but I do, for fuck's sake!  I have only been with you-this child is going to be yours whether you like it or not!"

"That's just the thing Lily-there's no reason we should be having a child anyways, seeing as I've been supplying you with contraceptive potions all along!  Did you forget to take one or-"

"Of course I didn't, you imbecile-"

"Imbecile?  I'm not the one who went and got herself up the duff!"

"I went and got myself up the duff?  It takes two people to tango, Severus Snape, and don't you ever forget it!" Lily screams before leaving the room, slamming the door behind her.

I sit on the bed, seething with anger for a long time before it finally hits me...

I'm going to be a dad.

OOOOOOO 

August 31, 1995

I enter my office only to find, to my great surprise, my wife sitting at my desk as though she hasn't been absent for the past four months.  Even more oddly, she seems to be studying several of my potions manuals.  Lily is so into her readings that she does not even bother to look up at me when she acknowledges my presence.

"Severus."

"Lily," I say back, trying my best to keep my voice indifferent about her sudden appearance.  "What are you doing in my office?"

"Research," she replies unhelpfully.  When I bend over to see what she is reading, she slams the book closed as quickly as a Venus flytrap gobbles up its prey.

"You know, if you told me the general topic, I could save you a lot of time by telling you where to look for the answer," I tell her, looking into her blank eyes as she looks up.

"It's confidential Severus-you know that."

I sigh and grab the two grading books I came in for originally.  I mutter as I walk out, "It always is..."

OOOOOOO

May 26, 1994

Damn that Dumbledore-meddlesome old fool indeed!  How dare he let my son use a time turner!  For fuck's sake, he of all people ought to know how addictive those things can be!  I certainly haven't forgotten though; how could I, with my wife missing half of the time, ever approve of such an action?

I most certainly never would have and that bloody old coot knew it!

This certainly explains why he never told me about what happened a few nights ago-how that fucking sod Black managed to escape from Hogwarts' grounds!  Fool-if something had happened to my son, I would never forgive that bastard, never!  I love that boy and I'll be damned if I let Dumbledore mess around with my son's life again!

Conveniently, Dumbledore is not in his office when I storm up the stairs to confront him about the latest rumor I heard by eavesdropping on the infamous trio.  No matter-I can wait.  I am a professional waiter-I have been waiting for some occurrences for years!  I've waited on my wife and son over a decade now, which makes an hour of waiting in Dumbledore's office a mere a second of time to me in comparison.

I don't care how long I have to wait; that bastard is going to hear me out!

OOOOOOO

December 17, 1980

With gentle hands, I smooth the soft towel over Harry's tiny body, being careful not to miss any droplets of water that still wished to cling to him after his bath.  "There you are, we mustn't have you catching a cold now...  I would never hear the end of it from your mother." I tell the baby as I pin his cloth diaper on with care.

Harry squirms as I put on his red onesie, which Lily has charmed to have an active snow scene on the front, complete with a waving snowman.  She has done the same to many of his other outfits so the boy would look festive during the holiday season.  For whatever reason, she seems to think special Christmas attire will help the boy's first Christmas be absolutely perfect.  I simply let her think what she wants, despite the fact that at six months old, Harry is totally oblivious to his clothing, other than when it makes him too warm or cold.

Once I get his onesie on, I put two tiny socks on his feet.  He'll have them off by morning-little Harry enjoys sucking on his toes in his free time and socks only seem to get in the way of this.  He is a strange little boy, but even I cannot deny that I find his odd mannerisms endearing at this point.  A year ago, I could not picture myself as a father, but now...well, little Harry has seems to have stolen my heart.

Not that I would ever admit that to anyone, of course.

Wrapping the boy in a blanket made of fleece, I sit down in Lily's rocking chair and start to create a steady back and forth motion.  Sadly, it seems like I am going to be sitting here for a long time, as the boy does not look anywhere close to tired right now.

I hum to him a bit as we rock together; it's a song about unicorns, which is really the only song for babies I know.  The boy does not seem to mind that I am off-key half the time.  Instead, he just stares up at me, watching me and waiting for something more exciting to happen.

And then he does something quite special-for the first time ever, his pink little lips curl up into a small smile.  He's smiling at me!  My heart fills with warmth and I smile back.

OOOOOOO

January 12, 1997

Exhausted from a chaotic night of dealing with student problems I could care less about, I open the door to my bedroom and find my long lost wife laying on my bed.

Naked.

Merlin help me, I thought I was done dealing with shite tonight.

"I see you've finally decided to grace me with your presence," I say, giving her a look of consternation, "How long has it been now, about five months?"

She frowns as she picks up on my mood quite quickly.  "Yeah, something like that," she says, challenging me to start our timeless debate with her eyes.

I choose to ignore her and get into our wooden boudoir to find a set of pajamas.  When she sees what I've pulled out, she says, "You won't be needing those tonight."

Her comment is half-hearted though and not nearly as lust-filled as usual.  Somehow, I think she already knows what I'm going to tell her.

I toss her a flannel nightgown from the boudoir.  "On the contrary, you're going to need some of these."

I go into the bathroom, not wanting her desperate eyes roving all over my body as I change.  I apply a tooth brushing charm to my mouth and use the toilet.  When I come out, I find that Lily is still naked, though she has wormed her way between the covers of my bed.

The lights are doused with a shake of my wand and I crawl into bed wordlessly, taking care to stay on my side of the bed.  A hand strokes my face, then strokes down my chest languidly.  I flip over onto my side, facing away from her.  She sidles up to my body and her wet lips softly caress my neck.

"Lily," I say, warning her in a dark voice, but she does not stop.  When her hand starts to breach my pants, I know I've had enough. 

Frustration, anger, confusion, and longing are only a few of the emotions I feel as I jump out of bed.  The lights flicker back on at my command.  I glare at the seductress in my bed.  "I said no, Lily, no!  You think you can just come home whenever you please for sex and then leave again?  I haven't seen you in months, for fuck's sake!"

"Severus, I have a job to do," she bites back, "I can't be here everyday!  I thought you understood-"

"No Lily, I sure as shite don't understand and neither did Dumbledore!  He isn't even here to give you missions anymore and I haven't given you one either!  Where the hell are you going and why are you gone for so long, huh?  That's what I'd like to know!" I exclaim, no longer holding back the frustrations of my day.

"Sev, listen-"

"No, you listen!  You only come home when you need something from me and I will tolerate it any longer!  I have needs too, you know!  When I married you, I wanted to be around you all the time and you left me alone for weeks at a time-now it's months!  I don't even know you anymore-"

"Severus!" she shrieks, "For fuck's sake, you've got it all wrong!  I'm just trying to help us win the war!"

"There's more to life than the war," I state with a hardened voice.  "I wanted to come home to a wife every night.  Hell, a wife and a son!  Lily, you and Harry are all that I've ever had and now you're both gone!"

We pause for a moment.  She looks at me with sad green eyes.  "I never meant for this to last so long," she admits quietly, "but it's too late to go back now.  I have to finish what I've started."

"And what have you started?  Even Dumbledore's portrait is clueless what you're doing!" I exclaim, feeling the acute pain of my lost son as he passes through my mind.

"You know I can't tell you Sev!  I just have to keep going, don't you understand?  I have to keep going!" she exclaims, looking as distressed as I feel.

I look at her small form in bed; one of her hands is holding the green comforter up to cover herself.  She looks older than I remember her ever looking, with dark indentions under her eyes and teeth clenched with stress.  She looks pitiful, laying there, begging me with her eyes to let it go.

I simply can't though.  I have put up with far too much nonsense during the years and she has taken advantage of my feelings for her.  How can we be a husband and wife team if we don't ever talk to each other?  She has too many secrets that I need answers to before I can even try to forgive her.

"You can't just come here for sex and then leave," I state, putting my foot down for once in my life.  "I'm not going to sleep with you until you give me the time turner and promise never to use it again."

"Sev, you know I can't do that," she whispers, clutching the time turner through the comforter.

"Then get out-I need to sleep; I have a long day of work ahead of me and refuse to be kicked out of my bed.  You may transfigure the couch into a bed and sleep there."

She stares at me with tears forming in her eyes, her expression pleading me to change my mind.  I don't.  Wandlessly, I open the door and look sternly at her until she walks out in silence, taking my comforter with her.

OOOOOOO 

October 21, 1996

When I sit down in my desk chair to work on next term's class schedule, I feel a pain shoot through my backside as I sit on something.  When I get up, I find nothing on my chair.  One by one, I check my pockets until I find the obstruction.

A bezoar.

How did that get in there?

August 1, 1980

I am completely silent as I walk down the white corridors of Saint Mungos. According to the clock I passed, it is nearly two in the morning.

I'm not tired though.

Many of the lights have been dimmed, as the hustle and bustle from earlier died away with the setting of the sun. A harsh chemical smell is caught in my nose, suggesting just how immaculately clean the hallway is. I hear the steady click of shoes on the tile floor coming from a distance, growing louder with each step.

Finally, a nurse in green scrubs and hospital robes walks around the corner, levitating an assortment of empty potion vials behind her. Her eyes do not stray my way even once as she passes me and continues down the dim hallway. This is not surprising though, since I'm currently Disillusioned.

When I can't hear her any longer, I continue my trek down the hall, sneaking through a set of double doors as inconspicuously as possible. A large sign announces to me that I'm in the ‘Neonatal Care Unit.'

I'm one door away from having my life change forever.

I can feel my hands and knees shaking with nervousness as I approach the glass door. I have been waiting for this moment since 7:58 p.m. when Lily brought him into this world-I know because I watched it all while Disillusioned and from a safe distance, of course. The wet ball of life that had come out of her was my son.

I'm a father.

The idea of this scares me immensely, as I have no idea how to be a good father. My father certainly didn't set an example I could follow and I have no other family members to give me advice. I suppose I could ask Dumbledore, but I doubt my pride would ever sink low enough to let me talk about something so personal with the man who is controlling my life.

What if I do something wrong? What if he grows up and hates me, just like I hated Tobias? I'm certainly not known for my kindness and compassion, after all. What if I can't figure out how to let the boy know I care?

My stomach starts to feel queasy, so I quickly down one of the calming draughts I stowed in my pocket earlier. Feeling a bit better afterwards, I set about breaking through the locks and wards on the door to Neonatal Care.

It only takes me ten minutes to break in. I am very disturbed at how easy it is to access the children. Clearly, this is not a very safe place for Harry to be without someone watching him!

I crack the door open and survey the scene in front of me. The white, sterile room is half-lit with a soft blue light and filled with floating bassinets, a few rocking gently back and forth. There's a magical harp in the corner that is charmed to play a soft lullaby all on its own. A few magical fireflies skirt around the ceiling, smearing the dimmed area with soft violet flecks of light.

I'm in luck-the on-duty nurse is facing away from me as she tries to calm a crying infant within a Silencing Bubble. I use this opportunity to sneak in and quickly shut the door after silencing it.

Slowly, I walk down a row of infants, looking at the name labels, carefully searching for...oh, look. Frank Longbottom's wife must have given birth today too. It's ironic how that worked out...

I don't pause long to look at the new Longbottom child, as I'm nervous enough about seeing my own. I start down the next row, feeling more jittery than I ever have before when a label catches my eye.

Harry James Potter.

My hands reach the cradle first and I touch both sides of it before looking inside. A little boy wrapped in a blue blanket with a soft-looking blue hat is lying there, asleep.

Words cannot describe the emotions that pass through my head; fear mixes with love and folly with glee. It's only the second time I've seen him, and the first time up close.

I already want to know him.

I already love him.

I want to be a good dad.

If only I knew how to do that...

Tentatively, I reach a hand into the cradle and touch his red cheek as gently as I can. His skin is the softest I've ever felt. My calloused finger then proceeds to touch his nose. It looks a bit squashed on his hairless head, but I heard Mediwizard Melville tell Lily that it was normal and would right itself within a week or so.

He's perfect.

I can think of little else as I stand there, watching him throughout the night.

OOOOOOO

May 26, 1997

Oh Merlin... Merlin...

I don't know what to do!

He's gone...

Dear Merlin, he's gone!

He's gone...and it's all my fault.

I fall to my knees in my entryway. Tears pour down my face and I violently choke on the very air I am trying to breathe as my memories of tonight's incident play through my head again.

Avada Kedavra.

I said it.

I killed him.

Oh Merlin, I killed him.

My son knows.

He screamed at me and cast curses at me with a violence that I didn't know he possessed, all in honor of Dumbledore. He doesn't understand what happened, why it needed to happen, or how much it broke me up inside to do it.

Merlin, I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do.

OOOOOOO

December 2, 1979

I stir the Paternity Test Potion in front of me gently, being very careful not to over stir or allow it to scorch. It will be ready in time for Lily to take over to James' home tomorrow morning when she brings him his yearly batch of sugar cookies.

For days on end, I have studied this potion and made the appropriate changes to it so it will suit our needs. I am fully confident in Lily's capabilities as well-she will get him to use the potion with ease. The plan should go off without a hitch.

Whether or not this is a good thing is what I have yet to decide.

OOOOOOO

August 20, 1981

The sound of my wailing child greets me when I enter my rooms at Hogwarts. Immediately, I drop all of my belongings on the kitchen table and scoop the screaming child up from his playpen and into my arms. The boy's arms immediately latch tightly around my neck, one of his hands grasping a clump of my hair. His tears and snot run down my neck as I pace around holding the boy, rubbing his back and whispering quiet words of comfort.

Slowly, Harry's crying reduces to sobs and then to tiny whimpers as I hold him against me. Ten minutes later he's asleep in my arms. I silently ascend the stairway and put him down in his crib, carefully placing a blanket over him to keep him warm. I lean down and kiss little Harry's forehead, wishing that I could undo this last misdemeanor.

I know whose fault this is.

I approach our bedroom door, seeing red. I stand there for a while and try to rid myself of some anger before approaching her; I've known for a while now just how messed up she is, but this really takes the cake, even for her.

Quickly, I enter the room and then cast a silencing spell inside it-young Harry has already had a bad enough disturbance today; he does not need hear his parents yell at each other.

I find Lily lying on the bed with tears in her eyes. Upon seeing the look on my face, she gets up and looks defensively at me, as if ready for the speech I haven't given yet.

I narrow my eyes at her. "I think we both know what I'm about to say, so I'll just cut to the chase-why, Lily? Why would you leave him like-"

"That's just like you Severus-go on, accuse me of the crime without ever bothering to hear my side of the story!"

My sarcastic side decides to make an appearance. "Oh, by all means, do enlighten me as to what is more important than taking care of our toddler son?"

She puts one of her hands over her face. "You wouldn't understand, Severus-"

"I just told you to enlighten me, for fuck's sake! If you'd tell me what was wrong, maybe I could do something about it!" I yell indignantly. I am so sick of her always dancing around explanations and acting like the victim!

"You can't though! You're too busy working! I want to work! I want my old job back! Guess what, I can't have it! I have to stay at home and watch that Merlin forsaken brat all the time! I can't stand it!"

She's got a crazy look in her eyes that I find slightly disturbing. I gently take her by the shoulders. "Lily, we'll find someone else to watch him for a while each day-"

Lily jerks away from me. "Who, Sev? Who? You won't let him stay with James-"

"Because James is always drunk! Who knows how much neglect the boy would go through when he passes out in the middle of the day!"

Merlin only knows how much neglect has been going on in this house, right under my nose. I do need to find someone else to watch Harry because I don't want to come home to him crying like that again.

"Poppy. Poppy loves babies; I'm sure she would be more than happy to watch him if I asked," I say, more to myself than to Lily.

I look up to see Lily's reaction; she seems to have calmed down a bit, so I go ahead and ask what is on my mind. "What is it you plan on doing with your free time, Lily?"

"Order work. I need to do something useful, Severus. You've known that for a while now."

"But Lily, you are doing something useful! You are protecting our little boy from the Dark Lord. What could be more important than that?"

She looks at me like I'm dumb. I mean it though-I really do. He's after poor Harry, after all! The boy needs protected!

"Well, he wouldn't need protecting if someone hadn't spewed off the prophecy to the Dark Lord like a good little lapdog, now would he?"

I flinch. Really, I should have known that was coming. Lily has fought dirty her entire life.

"I didn't know you were pregnant when that happened-"

"Get out-I don't want to hear it. Get out!"

I almost demand to stay. Almost...but then the guilt pours in. I start to drown in. It is my fault. I can never stop blaming myself for being the cause of something so terrible.

I exit the room a broken man.

OOOOOOO

June 1, 1996

Sitting down at my desk once more, I cannot help but feel guilty about the owl I had cursed a mere minute ago. After all, the bird had no choice but to follow the directions of its owner.

Mortimer Greenwell was still overstepping his bounds though and I had to do something about it. He's not going to win this war; not in a million years.

OOOOOOO

February 18, 1998

"Sev," she whispers as I feel the bed bend underneath her weight. I say nothing while I listen to the rustling of the covers in our bed. Her body scoots close to mine, but I scoot away, not wanting to deal with this again. I'm determined to hold my ground when it comes to this, even if it takes years.

"Sev, don't be like this," she says, her voice laced with sadness. "Please."

"No Lily...not until you hand it over to me. You need to stop," I mutter, half asleep.

She is silent for a minute before murmuring, "I miss you, Sev."

"I'm sure you do..." I whisper back bitterly. After our fight in January, Lily has been coming home much more often, despite the fact that I will not let her close to me; I'm no longer willing to deal with her until she's ready to make some changes.

The bed starts to shake a bit and I can hear her nearly silenced sobs behind me. It takes her a long time to regain control of herself and it takes me over an hour to fall asleep afterwards.

OOOOOOO

June 6, 1996

Unceremoniously, the Floo spits me out at Grimmauld Place. Lupin is in the darkened room upon my arrival and looks up at me blankly as I dust myself off. He stands up and looks at me sadly.

"Severus," he says softly, "what brings you here tonight?"

Does he expect pity from me? I certainly hope not because I don't have any for him. I don't feel any remorse about the death of the bloody mutt either; the man's own recklessness got him killed and I certainly won't miss him. There is one person in this house, however, that I have come to see-someone who needs me.

I hold up a handful of corked vials. "The Headmaster requested I bring these to his Golden Boy; heaven forbid he have to suffer through a hard time like the rest of us," I reply, doing my best to convey my normal, conniving self.

It works-Lupin is on his feet in a matter of seconds and looks close to becoming feral. "Sirius was the closest thing that boy has ever had to a father; I'm sorry you can't understand that Severus, but he is terrible shape tonight and he's blaming himself-"

"As he should," I interject with a louder voice. "If he hadn't dropped everything and went to the Ministry on a whim-"

"Stop it, just stop it! I'm not going to fight with you tonight," Lupin says, looking ten years older than he actually is. "Give me the potions and I'll bring them up to him."

"I don't think so, Wolf. I can't even trust you to take your own potion on time. I will make sure the boy imbibes exactly what he needs."

Lupin truly must not want to fight with me because he lets me pass without another word. Before I get ready to ascend the stairway, I turn back and look at him again. Already, he's sitting in the shadows, stiff and lifeless like a board.

Good riddance.

Silently, I creep up the stairs and peek in several rooms before I find my son. He's lying in a curled up position on the bed, facing away from me. I quietly enter, closing the door behind me and walking towards him cautiously in the darkness.

Silently, I sit down on the bed beside him, only to feel the mattress gently jerking beneath me as he cries soundlessly.

He's still awake.

Before I have time to panic, the boy chokes out, "I c-can't believe he's gone, Remus... Why's he gone..."

His voice is unnaturally high. I silently reach out and stroke his hair; it's the most I can do without giving away the fact that I'm not his ‘precious wolf.' As it is, I'm already pushing it. If he wasn't so distraught, he would surely notice that my hand is much longer and thinner than Lupin's.

I can't just leave him there without doing anything though. My son needs me, and so I stay until he cries himself to sleep. He never once guesses who is really beside him.

OOOOOOO

December 3, 1979

"Severus," Lily hisses at me, sneaking a peek in my direction. "Stop it! You're leaving extra footprints!"

I look down and find that she's right. Shit.

A flick of her wand fixes the snow on the porch so that it looks like I never paced up and down the veranda. Then, after pocketing her wand, she bangs on Potter's front door rather violently.

"James, you had better open this door right now!" she yells at the old mansion.

A flicker of fear dashes through my mind as I hear slow steps approach the door from inside. The door opens silently.

"Aw..." he says, turning his eyes away from the dull winter morning, "...bright. Lily, is that you?"

"Yes, can I come in? There's something I really need to talk to you about."

She sounds as nervous as I feel and with good reason: if he doesn't buy this, I don't know what we're going to do. Luckily, he appears to be drunk as he walks curving from side to side down the hallway and into the parlor. That should make everything easier.

I follow Lily silently and watch as she sits down in a chair opposite him. She places a plate of Christmas cookies in front of him; the same ones she brings him every year. James stares at them blankly, then grabs a bottle off the coffee table instead and tries to take a swig. It takes him three tries to find one that actually contains liquid.

I watch Lily as she takes in the scene. She looks like she's on the verge of tears.

"James," she finally says softly. "You need help."

Immediately, his emotionless face gives way to anger. "Bloody fucking hell! Why's everyone keep saying that? Sirius...an Remus...an Sirius... He won't buy me drinks anymore! Won't fucking take me out-WHY?!"

My wand is instantly in my hand and Lily's rescue is only a flick away. Disillusioned or not, I'll kill that bastard if he lays a hand on her!

His anger is short-lived though, as he gives into despair. "I don' understand why they think I have a problem..." he says in a high-pitched voice. His eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

Oh, how the tables have turned, Potter! I cannot help but smirk at his folly. After all that happened at school, I came out on top!

"Look at me..." Lily says, obviously feeling more pity for his situation than I. "James, it's ten a.m. and you're getting drunk by yourself. You look like you haven't eaten a good meal in weeks either. Don't you look at me like that, James Potter! People only mention it to you because they're concerned!"

James looks angry, but he doesn't say anything. Lily looks at him with sympathy and walks over to the couch he's on. Silently, she sits down beside him and takes his hands in her own.

"This isn't what I needed to talk to you about, James. Do you...do you remember when we met out at that bender last Halloween?"

He looks blankly at Lily and it takes him so long to answer, that I'm sure he's lying.

"Yes...a bit, anyway."

"Remember when we went back behind the bar to Apparate...but we were too drunk?"

"Uh...vaguely?" he said, sounding confused about where all of this was headed.

"Well, to make a long story short, you banged me up against the building that night and now...now I'm pregnant," she says, ending softly.

It took a while for it to sink in, but when James finally realized what he'd just been told, it was obvious. The look of utter shock on his face gave him away.

"You mean...I...you... You got up the duff?"

Lily nods and looks nervous. I would too if I were sitting by an unstable drunk.

"Bloody hell..." he mutters, lowering his head into his hand. "I'm too young for kids."

Lily waits silently, not knowing where this is heading.

"Damn it all, I suppose you think I should marry you now, don't you? You think I'll give in and make this into some sort of happy family?"

"I never said that."

"Good, ‘cause any emotion I ever felt for you ended when I caught you and Snivelly shagging! You had your chance with me, Lily, but now it's gone! I don' want you any more!"

"Look-"

"No, you look! How do I even know it's mine?! You certainly get around a lot, Lily! If you'd stop whoring yourself to men maybe you wouldn't ha-"

Lily smacks him. Hard.

"How dare you! It takes two to tango and this is just as much your fault as it is mine!"

"And what makes you think I'm the father? Maybe it's the fact that I have money and could afford to support your son since you'll soon be out of a job!"

Lily rolls her eyes. "At the rate you're drinking and spending Galleons, I doubt your fortune will last more than ten years. Oh, and I know you're the father because I haven't fucked anyone else for the last three months!"

"Prove it!" he yells.

"Fine!" she snaps back, pulling the potion out of her pocket. "Let's do this; right here, right now! Where's your loo?"

James leads the way angrily, followed by Lily and myself. I give Lily's shoulder a squeeze while his back is turned; I feel terrible that she has to put up with him.

A moment later, Lily has locked the door to the bathroom. James and I wait outside the door, so close that we can hear her taking a piss in the potion. He looks nervous.

I put my hands in my pockets to keep from hexing him.

Before I give into my urge, Lily opens the bathroom door and beckons James over to her. "You have to drop some blood in the-"

"I know," James grumbles.

"Oh, do you? Have you had this happen to you before?" Lily asks incredulously.

I find myself rather impressed with her acting.

James looks annoyed, but thankfully not violent. A moment later, he opens one of the bathroom drawers, pulls out a straight razor, and puts a gash in his finger.

A much deeper gash than necessary.

"Fuck," he gasps as his blood gushes out. Lily takes advantage of his gouge and holds the vial underneath the flow.

Suddenly, the awkwardness of the situation vanishes. James releases his finger and stares at the vial in silence. The liquid turns blue, just like I planned it would...

...and James' part in our scheme is sealed.

OOOOOOO

April 19, 1996

"Two hundred bezoars?" I roar as I stare at the package in front of me. "What bloody tosser filled this order?!"

Nobody would ever order that many bezoars for a school! For fuck's sake, bezoars are expensive and I am footing this tab! I only ordered five for the up and coming year! Only five!

"Fucking hell..." I grumble as I turn to my desk and write a nasty letter back to my potion supplies provider. I snarl as my pen scrawls angry words and I nearly mutilate the paper with my fury.

I turn around to send the note and the package back, only to find that my two hundred bezoars are gone.

OOOOOOO

May 29, 1995

I throw down my fork angrily as our conversation heads down the same path it always does-to an argument.

"Why don't you ever ask about Harry when you're home?"

I'm at wit's end now, as Lily has skirted around all of my questions tonight. She hasn't been home in over three months and she refuses to say anything about it, nor does she seem to care about anything that is going on in her real time; it's literally driven me mad!

"What are you talking about, Severus? Of course I ask about-"

I snort with sarcastic amusement, before interrupting her. "When have you ever asked about our son? When have you ever asked about me? Don't you care what goes on here?!"

She rolls her eyes. "You wouldn't understand..."

"Tell me then!" I shout. "Tell me so I understand what is so much more important than your family!"

"You are important! When I go back in time, it's always to help our son! How do you think he saw both of his parents during Priori Incantatum, huh? How do you think Harry magically saw both his parents when I'm still alive, huh? Who kept James' spirit from giving away our big secrets, huh? It was me!"

I roll my eyes, unimpressed. "So, you did one little thing to keep both of our cover safe; who gives a rat's arse-"

"I bet you can't guess how many times I've saved that boy's life!" she says in a dark and low voice. "Don't you think things go terribly smoothly sometimes? Haven't you ever wondered about all of the close calls the boy has been through-you can't understand it, Severus, because you don't remember what life was like before I accomplished these missions. You don't know what life is like with a dead son."

My blood goes cold. "Dead? You've...you've seen him die?"

The thought of my Harry, lying lifelessly on the ground is nearly more than I can bear. If he had died in the last few years, he would have died without knowing who I really was and could be for him. He'd have died without a family, without a father...

Without me.

"Sev... Sev! Sev, snap out of it!" Lily cries from a distance, smacking me across the face. I'm suddenly back in the real world and Lily looks panicked.

"Damn it, I said too much! Severus, answer me!" she shrieks.

"How many times?" I ask, horrified.

"No, I'm not telling you!" she exclaims, looking shocked and crazed at the same time. "You'll go crazy-you're not supposed to know these things! Don't ever ask me again, Sev! Don't ever ask me again!"

She pulls me into a hug and holds me there for the longest time. I hold her back and silently pray that our son will make it through this war.

OOOOOOO

April 30, 1998

Silence. We lay beside each other in our bed, listening to the soft breathing of the other. All of the lights are off and we're both settled in for the night. Lily does not make a move to touch me.

It's been an odd couple of months leading up to this moment. Lily has started to come home more frequently and has been spending more time with me outside the bedroom.

I'm almost to the point where I might dare to think that she'll come back to me. It's been so long though-could she really change now? After all that she's been through and all of the mysterious things that she's done, could Lily possibly give it all away to spend her life with me?

I wish it were so.

She's been here all week with me, which has given me false hope. This is the longest she's spent in her own time in years. It is rather obvious too, as she often rushes to a hiding spot if she hears something. Hiding is an automatic reaction to her, now that she's spent so much time in other places. Lily has always followed her Time Turner rules extensively because she doesn't want to make anyone go crazy because of her presence. It's the one thing she's taken seriously during all of our years married.

She's more used to solitude than company too. When we're together, she rarely speaks and spends most of her time tapping her foot and appearing on-edge. Even now, I can feel her scratching her nails against the bed sheets, creating a steady beat to lull me into sleep.

However, it's worse than usual tonight. I can feel her shaking in bed and breathing in raspy breaths. "Lily, are you okay?" I whisper softly.

"No," she moans in a high-pitched voice. Wordlessly I cast the lights on in my room and am shocked at what I see.

My wife is as pale as a ghost, sweating and shaking violently beside me. She looks like she's having a panic attack. "Lily, what's wrong?" I ask, a bit fearful about the answer I might receive.

"I'm scared..."

I believe her. I'm at a loss for words though; what could have created this sort of reaction in her?

"Do you want some Dreamless-"

"No," she says, shivering. "I don't want to sleep."

"A Calming Draught then?"

She nods. I summon one from the bathroom, uncork it, and hand it to her. I even help guide her unsteady hand up to her mouth. Silently, she ingests it. A moment later, I ease her back down onto the bed.

I watch her until the shaking ceases. She stares back at me with horror in her eyes. Her hand runs softly down my face; I shiver.

"Sev, will you let me sleep with you tonight?" she asks quietly. "Just sleep, nothing else...I promise."

I don't know why, but I give in. "Yes."

Lily rests her head gently on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around her body, just like I used to all those years ago. I can feel her fingers stroking my chest through my nightshirt.

With a wave of my hand, the lights go out. I lay very stiffly, torn between whether I should enjoy her presence or be wary.

"Be careful," I hear her whisper. Her warm breath against my ear makes me tremble. "Tomorrow, Sev...please, just...just be careful."

She's shaking again. As I think about this situation, I cannot help but realize that I'm scared too.

OOOOOOO

November 27, 1979

I slowly walk down the stairs, not knowing what I'll find when I arrive at the bottom. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my marriage last night, and now I have to rectify it.

"Lily..."

I find her seated at the kitchen table with her head down. I wonder if she slept like that. I wonder if she slept at all.

One of her eyes twitches. She's awake, but not responding to me. I quickly get down on my knees until I'm at her level. She turns her head away from me.

"Lily, I'm sorry," I start off with, pausing as I collect my thoughts. "I never should have suggested that the-the baby wasn't mine or that this whole thing was your fault. I was shocked and I didn't think when I said those things; I'm sorry."

Slowly, Lily's head turns towards me. Her eyes are filled with tears and she murmurs, "It wasn't supposed to happen this way."

"No," I whisper back. "It wasn't."

"What am I going to do?" she wails. "I'm too young to be a mother!"

"No, you're not. You're 19, Lily...you'll be just fine. We're in this together and I'm not going to leave you or the baby without any means."

"I'm not ready though, Sev! I don't know anything about babies! I don't want one right now-we're not even married, for Merlin's sake! What is everyone going to say!?"

"They won't say anything," I say softly, placing my hand gently on her knee. "I'll marry you and we won't ever have to worry about that."

"I don't want you to propose to me out of pity! Everyone will know that we got married because of this anyways, once I start showing. They'll still gossip and talk behind our backs... It'll be terrible, Sev," she moans, frowning at me with watery eyes.

"Lily," I say calmly, standing up and reaching out to hold her, "Lily...come here."

Reluctantly, she stands up as well and rests her head against my chest. I rest one of my hands gently on her back and the other on the back of her head. After kissing her forehead once, I lightly brush her hair back with my hand.

"I need to tell you something," I say quietly. "I want you to know that I had planned to ask you to marry me as soon as I finished my Potions work. Here's the proof."

Lily pulls slightly away from me while I dig in my pocket until I find what I was looking for: my mother's wedding ring. It isn't much, but it still shines like new. Wide green eyes gawk at it as it shimmers in the early morning sun.

"Now, I know this isn't how either of us planned this, but this is what I've always wanted-you as my wife and a child on the way. I couldn't ask for more, Lily. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Her eyes shimmer dangerously. I pull her close and rock her gently as she laments for the life she imagined herself living.

Eventually, she whispers, "Yes."

OOOOOOO

December 29, 1993

"Yes, your suspicions are correct, Severus; she came by an hour ago," Dumbledore sighs, sounding defeated.

"And?" I ask impatiently.

"There's hardly anything to tell," he reports. "She wanted another assignment, and when I said I didn't have one, we had a bit of a row. It ended with me trying to grab the Time Turner away from her, but I'm an old man, Severus. I was not fast enough and I failed; a moment later, she was gone."

I sigh, then glower at the floor. Neither of us can seem to get that thing away from her-and now that she's knows we're trying, I'm sure she'll hide it the next time she's here. We can't even try an Accio because of the possible danger such an action could put us in.

"My boy, I'm afraid we're backed into a corner. She'll have to choose to give it up, Severus. That's the only way."

If that's the only way, I suppose there's no hope.

OOOOOOO

June 18, 1980

A door slams from behind me. I turn away from my make-shift lab and watch as Lily storms through the house like a mad woman.

A pregnant, mad woman.

I follow her to our bedroom, where she slams the door shut in my face. The lock clicks. I bang on the door anyway.

"Lily, are you okay?" I call.

"No, I'm not fucking okay!" she screams back.

In retrospect, my question was pretty dumb.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"Tell you what's wrong? Yes, I'll fucking tell you what's wrong! The job I worked so hard for is now gone because they can't wait for someone to come back from maternity leave, oh no! No, that would be nice! We'll have to give it to someone else! Fuck it all! I didn't want this! I didn't want this..." she moans, trailing off. I can hear her loud sobs through the door.

I lean against the outside of the door, feeling helpless. This is one situation I cannot fix.

OOOOOOO

October 31, 1980

"Are you out of your mind?" I ask, watching as Lily spells Harry's tiny winter coat onto his body.

"Don't be ridiculous, Severus. He has to see him sometime."

I roll my eyes. "He doesn't need to see him today-neither of us will be around to watch what he does with Harry all day! I am not comfortable with this Lily! Not one bit!"

"I'll make sure he's sober before I leave him there; if he's drunk, then I'll just bring Harry back and wait like you said-"

"You should just wait anyway! It's only one more day! Any other day, I could have stayed in and watched him!"

"I need to go now, Sev. I can't stand staying in this house a moment longer! If you had to wait here day after day, all alone with a baby to care for, you'd start to feel restless too! I need out, Sev! Like it or not, today is the day and James is the person!"

I huff angrily, annoyed that Lily is winning this battle. It's not safe! James is not a good person to leave our baby with! Lily knows that, yet she's insisting on it anyway! It was bad enough that I'd agreed to Lily bringing Harry over once in a while to keep our secret; someone was always there watching Harry though, either myself under the Disillusionment spell or Lily in person.

However, nobody will be there this time! It just doesn't feel right to me! If only I wasn't being summoned!

Damn it all!

"I have to go," I say with resignation. "Please, please check and make sure James isn't drunk before you leave him there. If something happens to Harry, I...please, please check. Just remember to check."

"I will, Sev," she says, then walks over to me and pecks me on the cheek. She looks into my eyes for a moment and then says, "Stay safe tonight."

"I will," I answer.

Then I push myself into the fireplace and Floo away before I do something I regret.

OOOOOOO

March 20, 1998

"Severus? Severus Snape?"

Turning around, I find a small man of no more than 150 centimeters in height. I've never met him before in my life. As he approaches me, I start to feel very uncomfortable, as I have no idea who he is or what he's up to.

The man sighs when he meets my eyes. "Thank the stars! Sir, it's Mortimer Greenwell, sir, and what I need to speak with you about is really of dire urgence-"

I narrow my eyes. "You! You're that pesky man who's been bothering me all of these years! What do you want with me?"

The mousy man looks around nervously, before looking back at me with pleading eyes. "We really cannot speak about this in public-can we converse at Hogwarts?"

"I think not. You've wasted plenty enough of my time over the years and I won't have you waste another moment; either you tell me what you want right now or forever hold your peace!" I say huffily; I tired of this man long ago and meeting him in person has only solidified that feeling for me.

"But sir...it's...it's..." he stutters, then leans forward to whisper up to me. "It's about your wife, sir."

My eyes go wide. No one knows that I married Lily except for Dumbledore and he was never one to tell a secret of that much importance to a random person. With that in mind, I sneer down at the lower life form before me.

"You absolute idiot! I have no wife! Get out of my way! Now!" I hiss, pushing him roughly aside and continuing my way down Diagon Alley. I feel shaken-very shaken. I am going to have a very stern talk with Dumbledore when I get back to Hogwarts!

"Severus, please! You must listen!" he shouts after me.

Guided by my great fear and annoyance, I choose to ignore him and Apparate away.

OOOOOOO

May 1, 1998

With a wave of my hand, a tidy pile of papers and books levitates off my desk and follows me through the house while I summon my shoes and robes. Finally ready, I storm towards the door, already late for breakfast in the Great Hall.

Another day, another set of stupid problems. I'll have to go along with whatever the Carrows choose to do, of course. Fucking sadists. I cannot believe how sick and twisted this school has become this year and that I have to turn a blind eye to many of the terrible happenings.

Sick. It's just sick.

Just as I start to open the portrait door, a hand grabbing my sleeve stops me. "Sev, you're leaving?"

I turn and look at my wife. She looks just as frightened and sickly as last night. The black rings under her eyes are telltale signs that she didn't sleep at all.

I don't know what's wrong.

I have no idea what to do and so my snarky side makes an appearance. "Yes, and I'm late! Please-"

Suddenly, she's kissing me, deeply. While I have mixed feelings about the matter, I reciprocate because I can feel her desperation. Her shaking fingers wind through my hair and pull my face tightly up against hers. She whimpers against my lips as we embrace intimately for the first time in a long time. Tingles run down my spine as I remember a time when we both reacted with this much fervor to each other.

She pulls back. It turns out that her whimper must have been sob because more follow as she pulls me close in a hug.

"Oh Sev...oh Sev..." she cries softly through her tears. "I love you so much. Please don't go!"

"Lily, please tell me what's wrong," I find myself saying, trying to stay calm even if it is just on the outside. However, her nervousness is putting me even more on edge than it did last night.

"I can't!" she wails hysterically. "I want you to stay safe, but I can't..."

"Come on," I murmur, putting my arm around her and walking her slowly to the bedroom. "You need some sleep."

"No!" she shouts, reacting violently to my words. She tries to pull away from me, but I hold her tightly and we continue our journey. She's so weak from her nerves that she quickly stops struggling and walks with me.

I help her into bed and tuck her in, stroking her hair a few times to try and calm her down. It doesn't help. Tears are still falling from her eyes as I wordlessly summon a vial of Dreamless Sleep.

"No, no Severus! I have something I have to do today-I can't fall asleep! I can't!"

"Lily, this is for your own good-" I start, then dodge her hand as she tries to steal the vial away from me.

She misses. I quickly spell the whole thing into her stomach.

"No! NO!" she wails through her broken sobs. I take her hand in mine and stroke it gently.

"It's for your own good, Lily-"

"No it's not!" she slurs through her tears. "You don't know what you've just done! I wanted to save you! I wanted to..."

"Save me from what?" I whisper softly, caressing her head and trying to put on a tough front, even though I'm falling apart inside.

"I can't say..." she moans in a high-pitched voice. "And now it's too late!"

I stroke her hair and kiss her on the cheek gently. "I'm going to get you help, Lily, today after school. I'll call some people from Saint Mungos and they'll get you straightened out. You won't have to suffer anymore..."

"You don't understand..." she murmurs, sleep catching up with her though she was fighting it off valiantly. "I love you so much, Severus...I didn't want it to end this way! I'm sorry for everything bad that's happened between us. Please don't go...please don't go..."

I watch as her eyes close and her breathing becomes regular. I watch tensely for a long time before I relax a bit and sigh. I'm shaking now and my heart seems to be pumping a little faster than normal. I can't get rid of the feeling that something is really, really wrong.

"It's just her," I tell myself. "She's finally gone crazy from all of the Time Turner business."

Still, I can't help but feel anxiety for something that only my wife seems to know about. The feeling doesn't go away.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

Fuck! I had known that Minerva was good with a wand, but I hadn't ever expected that I might lose against her!

Of course, my odds would be a little bit better if the other teachers weren't firing curses at me as well.

Well...I suppose there's only one thing to do.

I've got to get the hell out of here!

Pulsating with adrenaline and nerves, I make a mad run towards the window. Colorful lights flash around me-I dodge and then...

Crash!

Glass shatters around me as I hurl myself through it.

Screams!

Wind!

Air!

Momentum!

Panicking, I scream out the spell that will hopefully keep me from falling to my bloody death.

It works! I'm flying! Thank you bloody Merlin! Thank you Voldemort!

Now in control of myself, I right myself in the air and grab for a few things that slipped out of my pockets.

I end up with a handful of bezoars and two vials of Blood Replenishing Potion.

I didn't put either of them in my robes during the past 24 hours.

Deciding it would be better to have a lighter robe, I toss them carelessly down as I zoom towards Voldemort's hideout.

OOOOOOO

December 17, 1977

Music roars and smoke billows around me. My heart pounds as Lily silently guides me through the throngs of tired dancers at the Yule Ball.

I can't believe we're doing this. My mind keeps telling me that this isn't safe; two Disillusioned people in a crowd this size are bound to get caught. Lily really wants this though, and so I am following her like a kitten would with its mother.

Am I whipped?

Yes...I suppose I am.

Luckily for both of us, Lily is very cautious as she guides us through the crowd and we easily end up in a dark corner undetected. Her hands slide up my arm until she finds both of my shoulders and then she holds on. I cautiously reach out for her waist. My hands find the green satin of her dress and they easily slide around her torso to her back.

We're dancing. As I sway with her to the music, however, I decide it's more than that. I wouldn't have done this for just any witch. I hate dancing, but knowing it was the only thing that could have made this night worthwhile for her, I agreed to it anyway.

As she leans her head gently against my chest, I know I've made the right choice.

"I love you, Sev," she whispers, making my heart beat a little faster. I hadn't expected such a declaration tonight. I hadn't realized Lily's feelings for me were so deep.

It was a worthwhile night, indeed.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

"Surely you will understand then, why I'm about to do what I must," Voldemort drawls, looking at me with a calm face.

I feel nothing but calm at the moment. My heart is beating faster than it ever has and sweat is rolling down my cheeks as I look at Voldemort's face in the shadows.

"But my Lord, I have done everything you have ever asked for! I have been a faithful servant to you!" I plead-I have to make it out of this alive! I have to get to my Harry!

"Yes, and now it's time for you to give your life for our cause. Do you not believe in our cause enough to die for it? Would you not give your life for our side to win?"

"But-"

"Enough!" the Dark Lord growls angrily. "Nagini!"

OOOOOOO

January 1, 1980

"With this ring, I wed thee," Lily says back to me, gently sliding a cold golden band onto my finger. Her green eyes meet mine and I see nothing but love in them. As a bride and a future mother, Lily truly does glow.

"You may now kiss the bride," Dumbledore says with a smile, his eyes twinkling with glee.

I smile at Lily's luminescent face and my heart pounds a bit faster. I gently move her veil out of the way, then take her head in my hands. An electric shock hits me when her lips meet mine. We kiss slowly and softly, savoring every last minute of this kiss that is binding us together. As we pull away, I feel a spark of magic pulse through me, binding me with her as I had promised.

I pull her close and hug her to me, then whisper a burning question in her ear.

"Are you sure you don't regret this?"

I've asked her this question many, many times this week and haven't gotten a straight answer. Even now that it's seemingly too late to change our plans, I still really want to know.

"No, Sev," she murmurs back, so low that Dumbledore cannot hear us. "It may not have happened the way we planned, but I love you and nothing is going to change that."

She pulls away and I see sincerity in her eyes. "I'm so proud to be Mrs. Snape; there's no one in the world I'd rather be."

I smile back and then kiss her again.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

A hiss...

Pain!

I can't breathe!

"I regret it."

I fall limply to the ground and watch as Voldemort exits the room. I breathe in blood and choke on it. Warmth is pouring from my neck rapidly-I can feel the blood under my head and body, slowly soaking into my clothing as I try to breathe. I try and staunch it with one hand, but my limb is so weak that it doesn't seem to help.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way ! What will happen to Lily? And Harry! Harry never found out the truth! I have so many regrets! I need more time!

Then Harry is suddenly over me and I gargle out a laugh of irony. I must be hallucinating... It really is the end. I can feel my life draining out of me-my heart is beating erratically. There isn't much time left.

I stare at my son and he stares back at me. The longer we do this, the more I am convinced that he is real. A hallucination would surely tell me what I wanted to hear: my son would say how much he loved me and would forgive me for abandoning him at the bloody Dursley's. However, this Harry just watches me with morbid fascination as I prepare to ascend to a new place.

I don't know if he's real or not, but just in case, I summon up every memory I've ever wanted to share with him. I think about his birth, his mother, the longing I felt from a distance, the mission from Dumbledore, the times I was there for him while he was hurt...everything.

Then, I let them flow. I cry them out of my eyes and let them drip from my nose, mouth, and ears. The smooth liquid is cool, much in contrast to the puddle I'm lying in. They drip out of me until I have practically nothing left of myself.

OOOOOOO

August 2, 1980

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Lily and I watch as my son's cradle gently rocks him into the land of dreams. A magical moon and stars glow from his ceiling, casting soft white light against his pink cheeks.

I squeeze Lily's hand and smile down at her. Her green eyes meet mine and she smiles back.

"We made a person together," she whispers softly, leaning against me as she gazes at Harry. I put my arms around her and stare out our young son as well.

"I love you, Sev," she murmurs, interrupting the silence.

"I love you too, Lils," I whisper back, then kiss the top of her head gently.

I finally have a family.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

Gasping and choking, I grab Harry's shirt and pull him down towards me so that his face is close to mine.

"Son...I..."

I'm wheezing. I don't have the strength to say what I desperately want to say. My vision blurs and I see numerous Harry's above me. Someone's calling my name from a distance.

Lily...

Lilies.

There are so many...one for every year we've been together.

I watch as two hands put a bezoar in my mouth.

She's yelling at me, but I can't hear...

Potions.

Swirls of red...

Grey.

Black.

OOOOOOO

October 9, 1994

Lily huffs and turns away from me, annoyed. "I told you I can't say! If I tell you what I do, you could go crazy! Why can't you get that through your head?" she exclaims.

"I need to know, Lily. If you're going to ruin our lives, Harry's life, and our marriage, then I think I have a right to know why you are doing this! Are you working for someone else?! Lily, who are you doing this for and why?"

Lily stares at me incredulously. I feel exasperated at her expression.

"Severus," Lily says with a sigh, "one day, you'll understand who I did this for."

With a sad look on her face, she gives the Time Turner a few cranks and disappears before my eyes.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO