Suffering by Ponytail Goddess
Summary: Over forty years after the Final Battle, Harry Potter's life isn't nearly as charming as everyone thought it would be. Something went wrong, gravely wrong... Will he ever be able to let it go? Entry in the 2009 Challenge Fest. In response to the Snape in an Old Peoples' Home Challenge by preposterous purple crocodile.
Categories: Healer Snape, Snape Equal Status to Harry > Foes Snape and Harry, Teacher Snape > Trusted Mentor Snape, Teacher Snape > Professor Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Original Character, Other
Snape Flavour: None
Genres: Angst, Drama, Mystery
Media Type: None
Tags: Alternate Universe
Takes Place: 8 - Post Hogwarts (young adult Harry)
Warnings: Profanity, Romance/Het
Prompts: Snape In An Old Peoples' Home
Challenges: Snape In An Old Peoples' Home
Series: None
Chapters: 8 Completed: Yes Word count: 27984 Read: 29755 Published: 10 May 2009 Updated: 27 Aug 2009
Chapter 5: A Girlfriend's Suffering by Ponytail Goddess

"Where there is love, there is pain."

-Spanish Proverb

I rush down the hallway, fueled by the information Viv fed me when I arrived. It can't be happening... It can't be happening. I turn into room 174 and bite my lip at what I see.

The Death Eater is in agony.

Cautiously, I approach him. I can see beads of sweat trickling down his green-tinted face as he shakes brutally in the bed. I don't really know what to do because he has frequently refused my help in the past. I don't just want to watch him suffer though...

"Sir, is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable? Would you like to sit up? Would you like some water?" I ask nervously, watching him writhe in pain.

"Yes..." he hisses, squinting at me as he struggles to keep his eyes open, "...water..."

I poke my head out of the doorway and summon a pink mug from the water girl's cart down the hall. The perspiring plastic mug smacks the center of my hand like a baseball and I clutch it strongly as I approach the Death Eater again.

Very gently, I use my wand to draw his bed into more upright position so he can get a drink. I barely move him at all and he cries out, which makes me stop immediately. He's gripping the sides of his bed with claw-like hands, shuddering in pain; I decide he's up far enough and gently ease my hand behind his neck so I can tilt his head up.

His eyes shoot open the moment my hand makes contact with his skin. Before he can protest, I bring the mug up to his lips and say, "Slowly now, not too much."

He sips the water slowly, though a lot of it drips down his chin because of his body's convulsions. After he's drunk all that he should, I set the mug down and spell away the water that is dripping down his neck and chest. I also cast an Evanesco on his sweat-soaked bed sheets with the hopes of making him more comfortable.

With a wave of my wand, the Death Eater's bed reclines back into its normal position. A few clumps of shiny grey hair fall into his face as he descends, which I gently brush out of his way once he's settled.

I don't know what else I can do for him, but I do know one thing: I cannot leave him to suffer alone. I wave my wand at an armchair in the corner; it scrapes the floor as it slides over to me. I sit down silently and watch him as he flails helplessly.

The Mediwizards are very busy today at Saint Mungo's. Vivian said that it will be at least an hour before anyone arrives to help him. Until then, all he's got is me and I certainly don't know how to cure his pain. He's been given quite a few potions to try and ease the pain, but they don't seem to be working.

"Poor quality...potions...tend to have that effect," he rasps out, his eyes open and squinting at me. That is when I see the emotion he's trying his best to hide...

Fear.

My hand reaches out to his own fistful of the blankets and gently lies atop his. This time, he doesn't resist. In fact, within a minute, his shaking hand has turned over and grips my own quite tightly. It is slick with perspiration and cold; I grip it tightly.

"You read my mind," I state, slightly impressed to be witnessing a lost art. "I've never met a Legilimens before."

"You think quite loudly," is all the answer I get from him. He sounds like he's in a terrible amount of pain.

"Would you like me to put you to sleep?" I ask softly, stroking his bony hand.

"NO!" he exclaims, suddenly livid. "I want to...be awake...for the Mediwizard."

"Okay, okay!" I say, not wanting to make the situation worse, "I won't put you to sleep! I just thought you'd rather not be in pain!"

"Of course I'd rather not be in pain you...imbecile!" he huffs, "I just can't...trust...those idiots from...Mungo's."

His head then proceeds to thrust backwards and he screams like a man possessed. He grips my hand far tighter than I imagined he could and I bite my lip so that I do not also scream.

"Calm down sir," I say in my most soothing voice, bending forward so I can look into his eyes. "They'll be here soon and they'll help you get better."

He takes deep breaths and slowly seems to overcome the worst of the pain. He then looks me straight in the eye and says, "Cyanide...I want cyanide, boy! Put me out of...my misery..."

"I'm afraid that's against the nurse's charter," I tell him softly, feeling rather helpless. He's suffering greatly and I wish I could make him better somehow.

"I know," he says.

We look at each other. When he looks at me it's almost as if he's looking into my very soul. I wonder how much he knows...

"Tell me about...Potter," he finally says, squeezing my hand tightly as another ripple of pain flows through him.

"Dad?" I ask, a bit suspiciously. I'm not sure that I want to tell the Death Eater about my family, though I must admit, I think it's safe. He clearly doesn't have much time left and definitely doesn't have the strength to get up and go after any of my family members. "What do you want to know?"

"What happened to...him after Hog-" he mumbles, clenching his teeth for a moment before he finishes, "-warts."

After a few moments of thinking about the consequences, I decide to tell the Death Eater what he wants to hear. After all, he's suffering greatly and I think that maybe my stories will take his mind off of the horrors his body is putting him through right now.

"Well, as you probably know, my dad went back to Hogwarts after Voldemort was defeated to complete his final year of schooling. The worst thing he had to battle that year was the press, from what I've heard. They were always after him, popping in and asking for interviews all the time; it was never convenient for him, either. He put on a smiling face for the masses, but really, Dad just wanted to be left alone, you know-"

The Death Eater snorts and when I look up at him, he looks amused. "What's so funny?"

"Famous Potter...always wanted the spot...light...at Hogwarts," he mutters, looking less amused as another wave of pain rakes through him.

"If you think that, then you clearly didn't know Dad very well," I state with a frown. Could it be that he's been lying to me the entire time about knowing my Dad personally? "Dad can't stand those nosy people at the Prophet-they never get the facts straight... Plus, you don't even want to pick up the tabloids and see what they have to say about him. They have all sorts of bizarre stories about him and his family. According to them, I'm apparently "James Potter," who was reincarnated by a black magic ritual Harry acquired from Voldemort's library. Needless to say, I could certainly do without that nonsense."

I stop and rub his shaking hand with my own. He seems to be doing a bit better now that he has something else to concentrate on, so I keep going. "Anyway, so Dad ended up really falling arse over elbow in love with Mum during his final year of school. It was quite easy for them to spend loads of time together too, since they were then in the same year and all. They studied together, went to class together, spent the holidays together, and before you knew it, they were in love.

"They got engaged at the end of the school year and remained that way for three years; Dad went through his Auror apprenticeship then and Mum played professional Quidditch for a while. From what I hear, she wasn't the greatest at it, but she could definitely get the job done and her team liked her well-enough.

"They had a lovely wedding ceremony right after Dad became a real Auror and they moved to Godric's Hollow, where Dad rebuilt the house my grandparents once lived in. Then-oh bloody hell..."

He's looking worse now, much worse... Where is that Mediwizard-this man is not going to hold out much longer! He's shaking more and more, though his hand is gripping mine like steel. On top of this, he's starting to look a bit comatose, his eyes drooping a bit against his sickly skin.

"Keep going..." I hear him mutter, and so I do just that while I hold his hand tightly between both of my own to try and comfort him.

"Well, then they settled down and had me and my brother and sister. James was born first, then me, then Lily. We were all pretty normal, really. Dad kept working for the ministry while Mum stayed home with us and for a time, everything was really good."

I feel a tremor go through me as I watch the Death Eater shaking in pain, his face clenched up as he tries to fight it. Merlin, I feel so helpless! There's nothing I can do! The Death Eater is starting to look a little less coherent, which is good because I don't really want him to remember what I'm about to say.

"But...things got bad one day...really bad..." I stutter, remembering how fast my heart was pounding as I watched Dad slowly kneel beside the body on the floor, a look of total shock on his face. I needed to find where she was though and I frantically ran through the house, tearing through each room, searching, hoping-

"I can't talk about it," I blurt out, suddenly unnerved. I thought maybe I would feel brave enough to say it out loud, but I just can't. Even after all these years, it still hurts like it just happened this week.

I take a moment to calm down, which the Death Eater doesn't notice; he's too ensconced in his pain to be aware of anything right now. A few deep breaths later, I'm ready to continue.

"Basically, something really bad happened and our family split up. Some of them blame the whole thing on Dad because if he wasn't so famous, we wouldn't always have the press coming by and not as many people would know where we lived. Plus, Lily always says that if he had just come home an hour earlier like Mum had asked, it never would have happened.

"Really, that's a lie though-who knows what might have happened if Dad was there. Maybe the suspect would have murdered him instead; it's hard to tell. To top it off, the person who did it was never caught, which is a never-ending source of frustration for Dad. He thinks that if he finds the murderer, things will magically resolve themselves and we'll be a family again. It's not that easy though; nothing ever is."

I look over at him and am surprised to see his eyes wide open and staring at me, looking slightly dilated. I open my mouth to ask him how he's feeling, only to stop when I feel a foreign presence in my mind.

He's a Legilimens...and before I can say anything, he's viewing the corpse on the kitchen floor.

He's not the only one shaking now.

It's odd though, because even though I'm seeing my memory, I'm also seeing a different one too...one that isn't my own. It's startlingly familiar though, like something I've seen before in a dream. Instead of one red-haired woman on the floor, now there are two...both still, their eyes unseeing as they stare blankly at the ceiling. There's a baby too, standing in the sink and screaming his little heart out, though I can't hear him...a baby with a lightning bolt scar...

Then, as quickly as it appeared, the vision is gone and I'm staring at the Death Eater as he grits his teeth.

I just saw a vision of Dad...right after his parents died! That's impossible though, because the person who discovered him...

Well, the person who discovered him is dead.

The more I think about it though, the more it makes sense. Naturally, I hadn't considered this possibility before because he's supposed to be dead. Dad saw him die, for fuck's sake! The potion though, the relationship with Dad, and the snarky attitude all make sense this way. He did know Dad while he was in school; he taught him! I don't know how it's possible, but I know who it is.

"Oh dear Merlin..." I whisper softly, still in shock, "I know who you are."

And thank Merlin, the bloody Mediwizard from Saint Mungos chooses that exact moment to burst in the door. I am immediately bustled out of the room and the door is shut and locked behind me before I can protest.

OOOOOOO

I glance at the clock for the fifth time in the past few minutes. 12:48 a.m. I'm still not asleep, despite how exhausted I am at this point. It's been a long day though and I've spent most of it worrying about the Death Eater's well-being.

Or should I say, my namesake's well-being?

I just don't get it-the minute I got home, I looked up his picture and I do think it's him! He looks quite a bit different, but there are similarities and his personality fits the description Dad always gave me to a tee.

So, how did he survive?

And why the hell doesn't anyone know about it?

Good grief, everyone always wondered why his portrait never showed up in the headmaster's office. Now, I know exactly why that is.

The possibility of him really being alive is surreal to me. I used to think about what I'd say to this incredible war hero I had always admired. After I knew where my name came from, I repeatedly asked Dad to tell me his story as a kid. I'm sure Dad was sick of reliving the Final Battle over and over, but he'd still tell me the story, despite whatever reservation he probably had about the matter. I remember hoping that his portrait would magically appear in Professor McGonagall's office every time I visited.

All of this time, he was alive.

I wanted to tell Dad when I got home tonight, but I found him sound asleep in his bedroom already. Normally, this wouldn't be a bad thing, but he definitely forgot to eat dinner tonight; I really dislike the idea of him starving himself, no matter how accidental it may be.

I need to get him to go back to work. Dad is always much better when he has something to do-it takes his mind off the situation and he functions almost normally when busy. When he's at home by himself though, that's when he needs me to care for him. He just can't handle being alone with his thoughts.

In this way, we are both so similar that it's a bit scary.

12:51 a.m. I should really go to bed. I should fix myself a drink so that I'll be able to sleep more easily. However, neither of these options appeal to me because I really don't want to get out of my suede armchair. I'm too tired.

Dad...Severus...my mind is so jumbled that it won't relax. I really should-

The hearth flares in front of me, stopping my mental tirade for a moment.

"Vivs?" I question, suddenly alert, as she steps through the grate. "What are you doing here?"

I automatically assume the worst-he must have died. After all, he was in a bad way! I always wanted to meet him and know him and now he's gone before I ever got the chance-

"Albus," she says walking over to me quickly. She's so short that we are at eye-level with each other when I'm sitting and she's standing. She looks tired and is not dressed in her medical robes, but instead in a deep purple bathrobe that seems to be covering her nightclothes.

She frowns at me and says, "It's not what you think, Albus. He's going to make it, at least, for tonight. Amy just fire-called me to let me know that they've brought him back to his room from Saint Mungo's; they drugged him up a lot to slow the toxins and ease the pain, but he'll last a few more days, by the looks of things."

I look away from her, relieved. Dad needs to know about this. He needs to talk with him-hell, I need that too. I'm dying to get to know him, dying to find out what really happened to him-

"Albus..." Vivian says softly, "I wish they had just let him go. Now he's going to suffer longer."

Oh. Now I feel selfish, wishing for time with him when he probably would be better off dying. I, of all people, should know that, having watched him suffer for the longest minutes of my life today. I still can't believe it was only thirty minutes-it felt like five hours to me...

Vivian puts her hand on top of mine, which is gripping the arm of my chair loosely. I flip my hand over and give hers a small squeeze for reassurance.

"I know who he is, Vivs."

And for the next hour, we pour over books of pictures from the war and talk about how he may or may not be the real Severus Snape. I never even have to leave my seat, which is an added bonus. However, the moment I notice her hand has been carding through my hair for a while, I know that this isn't right.

"Viv," I say, gently brushing her hand away from my brownish-blonde mop, "we can't do this."

"Albus-"

"I can't do this, Viv," I say, shaking my head and wondering how badly this conversation is going to go. It's necessary though-we can't keep going on like this.

"I know what you want, Viv...and I just...I need you to know that we can't have that," I say sadly, looking down at the hardwood flooring and I nervously thread my fingers through my hair, replacing Vivian's.

"But Albus, you're not even giving me a chance," she says softly as she pulls one of my hands out of my hair and holds it between both of her own. "And I know you feel it as well, Albus. I'm not the only one who wants this relationship to go forward. You are just denying yourself and I don't understand why."

Her eyes are sad. I hate myself for hurting her this way, but really, I've got her best interests in mind.

"You know I'm not comfortable talking about it Viv," I whisper, looking her in the eye. "Please don't ask me to."

"Albus, I don't understand what the thing between us has to do with the incident! If it's about your Dad, I already told you I don't mind living with him. I love Harry just as much as I love my own father and I understand your need to make sure he's functioning well... It would even be easier for you to do so if I was here, Albus, because he wouldn't be alone as often-"

"That's not it, Vivs. I don't think I'm being fair to you in this and so I really think you should try to see other-"

"I don't want to see anyone else, you tosser! I'm in love with you!" she proclaims, rather loudly, looking more upset than I think I've ever seen her.

"Vivs, I-"

"See other people, indeed! Don't you think I've tried, Albus? I have! I've been on several dates, hoping to forget about you and I can't! Don't you see, Albus? You're the one I want-the only one! I can't bear to be with anyone else!"

She's crying now. I wish I could make this work-I wish I was someone else; someone who could give her what she wants and make her happy. I wish I could tell her; Merlin, how I wish I could tell her why this is for the best!

Instead, I watch her as she walks toward the Floo, a crying and shaking mess, and watch as she wordlessly disappears into the murky green flames. As I sit in my chair, I keep reminding myself that it was for the greater good.

So, why do I feel so bad?

The End.


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