Harry dashed off a letter to Meadowsweet telling her how happy he was that she would be coming to Hogwarts and how he couldn't wait to show her the school and everything. He told her that Snape was the new Headmaster and that his father would make certain nobody tried any funny business with her or bullied her. Then he grinned a wry grin at himself, because though Meadowsweet was a Healer and favored peaceful solutions to most problems, she was also wolfen, and could certainly take care of herself in a fight. Wizards didn't frighten her. Not much did, he'd wager. Except perhaps learning her boyfriend was suffering from PTSD.

He felt the old feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy rise within him again, feelings he thought he'd conquered after Volemort died the final death. But no, they had merely hid themselves and now they emerged, as vicious as feral dogs, to snap and nip at his subconscious and leave gaping wounds of doubt and despair that tore his self-esteem into shreds. He couldn't let Meadowsweet learn about his night terrors. She would think he was a coward or worse.

He recalled Severus' ultimatum that he had two days to either deal with his nightmares or come and ask for help, before his father dragged him to Healer Sandrilas for professional help. He would rather die than endure that embarrassment. How would it look if the press found out that their hero needed a Mind Healer and was suffering from depression and a host of other psychiatric problems?

He would become a laughingstock, and people would whisper behind their hands when he walked by and give him looks of pity and derision.

He couldn't stand that.

Therefore he had one option, and that was to try and vanquish the bloody dreams on his own. His best bet to do that was to try the potion that Ron had recommended. So he fetched his copy of Advanced Potions, Severus had loaned him his own copy from his sixth year, and began to search in it for the Angel Dream potion.

He found it way at the back of the book, and read it through. The potion ingredients were not too expensive and the formula was somewhat complex, but nothing like the Polyjuice potion. He could have found everything he needed in Severus' lab, but he knew better than to chance going in there and having Severus catch him out.

His potions kit and cauldron were still in his trunk, all he needed now was a visit to Diagon Alley.

His chance came that same day, when Severus was called away to a meeting with the Board of Governors, they wished to discuss their policy with him before he assumed the Headmaster position. "I shall be back in an hour or two. I'm sure you can amuse yourself till then. If not, you can always clean your room. It's starting to look like a pigpen."

Harry made a face. "Okay. I'll do that before I read." He meant it too. But first he would go to the apothecary in Diagon Alley and purchase the ingredients for the potion. He hoped that he could brew a batch before Severus returned home, the time it took to brew it was pretty short, about an hour.

"Have fun," he waved to his father as the man Apparated away.

Then he tossed down some Floo powder and started to step into the green flames when he noticed that the mind painting of small Severus and Lily seemed to be staring at him in disapproval. "What?" he glared back at the portrait. "I have to do this. It's the only way I can deal with my nightmare without going to some freaking threrapist who will want to pry into my personal life."

Little Lily seemed to frown at him and he sighed and muttered, "Give me a break, Mum!"

Then he spoke the words "Diagon Alley" and was whirled away to the Leaky Cauldron.

He returned with his purchases some fifteen minutes later, and headed straight to his room.

After picking up the dirty clothes and candy wrappers and empty glasses, he started to read the instructions on how to brew Angel Dream. He did note there was a single warning listed. If You Are Depressed or Have Symptoms of Depression, Do Not Take This Potion!!

Harry paused and thought about the warning. But he wasn't depressed, he reminded himself. He just had crazy dreams and was an insomniac. He knew Severus thought he might be depressed, but thinking wasn't the same as actually being diagnosed. And once he took this potion, his problems would be solved. It was made to induce good dreams and happy dreams in the imbiber and was not addictive like Dreamless Sleep. Therefore it was safe to take.

He checked his watch, and saw that almost forty-five minutes had gone by and he quickly began to set up his apparatus and prepare his ingredients.

Because of Severus's tutoring and his apprenticeship, Harry had the potion brewing much quicker than he expected, and soon the cauldron was emitting the most lovely scent, it smelled like honey and cinnamon and lavender, the potion itself was a smooth soft pink color. Harry inhaled the aroma and thought he had died and gone to heaven, it smelled so good. He hoped it tasted as good as it smelled.

Finally the potion was ready to decant. Harry used some of his spare beakers inside his potions kit and soon the Angel Dream was resting securely inside his velvet padded potion case. The cauldronful had yielded five beakers, and Harry couldn't wait to try it out.

After he had scrubbed out his cauldron and packed it away, along with everything else, Harry flopped down on his bed to read a book he had borrowed from Severus' library, it was an Agatha Christie novel.

That night, he drank the Angel Dream potion just before he went to sleep, and it worked beautifully. His dreams were pleasant things, cotton candy spun creations that took him to idyllic places and he woke feeling oddly giddy and happy. The euphoric feeling lasted until about midday, when he became tired and out of sorts and went to take a nap.

He took the potion again that night and the next and thought it a wonderful thing.

Severus queried him again about his nightmares and Harry was able to say with honesty that they were gone.

"Are you sure about that?" his father demanded, looking him straight in the eye.

"Yes, sir. I haven't had any nightmares for three days now," replied his son.

Severus frowned, but Harry's gaze did not waver. The boy wasn't lying to him, he was positive of it, and yet . . .something still bothered him. In his experience, post traumatic stress night terrors didn't vanish overnight, not without plenty of counseling. "Very well. But if you should start having them again, I want you to come to me."

Harry agreed, almost too readily, and again Severus was suspicious. Something sly lurked in the boy's manner, and the Potions Master resolved to keep a sharp eye on the boy, make sure he wasn't receiving packages from an apothecary or even his friends, who might have been persuaded to brew him a few vials of Dreamless Sleep.

Three days passed in this manner, and the only change Severus could detect in Harry's behavior was an odd propensity to doze off in the afternoons, though to be fair most of the mornings Harry spent flying as Freedom or looking over the new curriculum for Wizarding Studies that Severus wished to implement. They were currently discussing topics that ought to be covered, some of the major ones were writing skills and basic Latin, and family customs. Harry wanted to put in a section on brooms and Quidditch, and Severus finally agreed to it.

They received a letter from Dumbledore telling them all was well and that Minerva had finally gotten tired of living all by herself and moved in with Albus. Severus muttered that he could only imagine what mayhem those two would create in Muggle society.

Harry had finished his current batch of potion and needed to make more. So he brewed it late at night when Hedwig was gone hunting and Severus asleep, locking his bedroom door first. Once the potion was safely brewed again, Harry breathed a sigh of relief and drank it down.

Almost immediately, he was back in the beautiful garden landscape, running through a meadow filled with hummingbirds and butterflies, beside a crystal brook where fish leaped and played, and deer and rabbit grazed peacefully on the tender shoots of grass. It was so peaceful that Harry lay down on the grass in his dream and fell asleep.

He was jerked abruptly out of the dreamscape by Hedwig nipping his ear. "Ow!"

He sat up sluggishly, rubbing his ear. "Hedwig! What'd you do that for?"

Your father sent me to wake you. He's called you five times to wake up and didn't know why you were ignoring him.

Harry yawned. He felt all woozy and sleepy still and he wanted nothing so much as to close his eyes and fall back to sleep, returning to the dreamworld he had left. But he forced himself to get out of bed and join Severus for breakfast.

"Did you sleep well last night? You seemed unusually reluctant to get up this morning."

"I slept all right. I just satyed up late finishing Murder on the Orient Express," Harry said glibly.

"Ah. I see." Severus could forgive him that, for he was a bookworm himself.

Harry found himself in a sort of daze all day, sluggish and longing to sleep so he could return to that peaceful dream he'd been having. The dream had been so pleasant that it had almost hurt to leave it. He would have to thank Ron for telling him about the Angel Dream potion, which had banished his nightmares so wonderfully and alleviated the feelings of inadequacy as well.

The next morning, Harry told Severus he wasn't feeling well, he was tired and achy and just wanted to rest. After giving him a Pain Reliever, Severus allowed him to sleep for most of the day. Harry was delighted, for now he could slip back into the dreams of the peaceful meadow, the halcyon woods and the relaxing shore, where the waves crashed rhythmically upon the sand. There was a whole dream world waiting for him and this time it was peopled as well, with his parents and Cedric, Severus and Remus and Sirius. All of them were alive and friends and he flew with James and spoke with Lily and it was like having the best of both worlds.

When Severus finally shook him awake, he felt almost angry, for he wished to stay in that realm, where all was peaceful and serene and nobody died or was tormented with nightmares.

What Harry did not know was that his depression was encouraging him to stay within that false dream bubble, and sooner or later he might never emerge from it. Which was why the warning was on the instructions. A normal user of the potion would never experience the highs Harry had, and be able to leave the dreamworld behind upon waking. But a depressed person, or one like Harry, who was suffering from PTSD, was tempted to remain in the dreamscape, because the dream world was better than their own. And the more he took the potion, the worse it got.

On the eighth day, Severus went again to wake up his son for breakfast and discovered to his horror that the boy would not wake, no matter many times he shook him and called him. "Harry! Harry, oh Merlin, what did you take?" He knew in an instant that the sleep was not natural, not the result of feeling poorly. It was too deep, almost drug induced.

Frantic, Severus went to look about his son's room for any clue as to what he'd been taking. Dreamless Sleep did not affect people that way and besides, Harry had no access to his lab and the recipe was kept locked away. He threw open Harry's trunk and found his potions case.

Inside were three empty vials and four more that were filled with a soft pink potion. Severus removed the stopper and the unmistakable scent of honey and cinnamon wafted out. "Oh, no! Angel Dream."

The potion was a known sleep inducer and also a dream modifier. It could turn nightmares into peaceful dreams, but if taken when one was suffering with depression, it could throw you into a coma.

"Damn you, Harry! How could you do something this stupid!" Severus raged. "Are you trying to bloody kill yourself?" He found tears stinging his eyes. "Is it really so bad living here that you need to resort to this?"

He quickly summoned a potion and a few other items, praying that he was in time, that his son was not too far gone. And he cursed himself for not noticing that Harry was starting to slip away from him.

** * * * *

Harry was running with Lily across the meadow, a butterfly net in one hand, tryin to catch a monarch butterfly. But the butterfly was elusive and everytime he though he had it, it would fly out of reach. Normally, Harry would have become frustrated and stopped after the fifth time the butterfly escaped, but Lily just laughed at him and told him to try again.

Harry did, and finally he caught one in his net. "Look, Mum, I got one!"

"You're such a clever boy, Harry. Your father and I are both proud of you."

Harry felt a glow of unbelievable warmth spread through him. He had been wishing for those words from either of them for years and to hear them now meant the world to him. He ran to her and hugged her.

All of a sudden his stomach started to hurt. " . . .don' feel good . . ."

He drew away from Lily, covering his mouth with one hand. He could not get sick here. It would stain the pristine wilderness.

When he opened his eyes, Harry found himself sitting up in the bathroom, vomiting into a large porcelain basin. Severus was holding his head and murmuring, "Come on Harry, return to me."

Harry groaned and threw up again. The fog over his brain was lifting as he expelled all of the remaining potion in his stomach. "Huh? Sev . . .what's wrong . . .with me . . .?"

"Harry, you took too much Angel Dream. You were slipping into a kind of coma," Severus answered. "I had to give you a purgative to get the remainder out of your system, that's why you're vomiting so much." He rubbed his son's back. "I'm sorry you're so sick, but it had to be done."

"Why?" Harry managed to say after he had stopped getting sick and could lift his head. "Angel Dream was a good potion. Had no side effects."

"You're wrong. It has a side effect if you're depressed. It will seduce you into staying in the dreamscape, until you want nothing else but the false comfort that world provides."

"But I'm not depressed!" Harry whined, then he clutched his stomach.

"You are if the Angel Dream affected you this way. I almost couldn't wake you up. That's why you were so attracted to sleeping all day. Because you had started to succumb to the dreamscape. Bloody hell, boy, are you looking for a way to destroy yourself? Is your life that terrible?" Severus's eyes were haunted.

"No. I just . . .I wanted . . ."

Severus sighed. "You'll be sick with nausea and diarrhea until the potion works its way out of your system. After you're able to talk coherently again with me, we're going to discuss options. You need help, child and if I can't provide it, I will find someone who can. I cannot believe you went behind my back and brewed a potion like that! What were you thinking?"

Harry didn't bother to answer. He knew he hadn't been thinking at all. He had just wanted to outsmart Severus and thought he had found a way to do so. Only now it would seem he hadn't, had in fact made things worse. He stared up at his father, noticing how haggard the other looked, and suddenly he felt terribly ashamed and disgusted. "I thought I could make it go away . . .so Sasha didn't know . . . didn't want her to know . . .supposed to be strong . . .not all broken up over dreams . . ."

"Oh, fledgling . . .you have a problem, you're sick and hurting, it's nothing to be ashamed of . . .Sasha would understand . . ."

"I didn't want her to know that I was so screwed up!" Harry cried, tears mingling with the sweat on his face. "I don't understand . . .why am I like this?" He threw up again.

Severus wiped his brow with a cool damp cloth and gave him small sips of water. He felt terribly guilty and wondered how he could have missed all the signs. How had he let it get this far? I should have put him in therapy long ago. I should have watched him more closely. I'm an awful parent. "Survivors of war and abuse often are like this. Where did you get the potion?"

Harry coughed. "Ron told me about it and I made it . . .here in my room . . .with my potions kit."

"You brewed potions in here?" Severus demanded. "Without proper fireproofing and ventilation charms? Harry, you could have set the house on fire or caused yourself to pass out! Have you learned nothing about proper safety when brewing? A first year knows better than that!"

"I was careful . . ."

Severus gave a bitter laugh. "You were clever enough to not get caught. And here I thought I could trust you."

Harry flinched, for there was no mistaking the hurt in the other's tone. "Sorry, Sev." He retched again.

"I'm sure you are. For now." The other man sighed. "We'll talk about this later."

* * * * * *

Four hours later, Severus declared all the potion had been removed from Harry's system. Harry was wrung out and exhausted and Severus gave him more water and tea with honey and then let the boy sleep, sitting with him until he finally closed his eyes, reluctant though he was to do so without a potion.

Severus looked down upon the sleeping child and stroked his hair back from his face. Thank Merlin he had come up in time, otherwise . . .he shivered, a sick cold feeling lodging in his chest. If Harry had gone into a coma he would have never forgiven himself. My poor son, if you cannot trust me, then who will you trust?

He felt the sharp knife of failure twist within him. He had thought after all they had been through that Harry knew he could come to him if he had a problem, but the boy had been hiding his pain and anguish, unwilling to face his problems or share them. He had lied and dissembled until it had come to this.

Severus thought it might be best if he contacted another whom Harry was close to. He might succeed where Severus had failed. Once, the fact that he would have to seek help from anyone, especially this particular wizard, would have been a bitter blow to his pride. But not now, when his son's life and mental health were at stake.

He left the room and went down to the library, where he wrote a letter and then had Hedwig post it.

* * * * * *

When Harry woke up some two hours later, he found he was in clean pajamas and Sirius Black was sitting beside his bed in a recliner, and standing behind him was Remus Lupin. Both of them looked very concerned.

"Sirius? Remus?" Harry stared at them, blinking.

"Harry, thank goodness you're awake!" exclaimed Sirius. "How do you feel?"

"Okay, I guess," he replied, sitting up. He reached for the glass of water on the nightstand. "What are you two doing here?"

"Your father called us." Remus answered. "He told us what happened with the potions. Harry, we need to have a talk."

"Now?"

"Yes, right now," Sirius put in, and he sounded quite determined.