"I will make myself ready," Severus said, defeated. He stood up and headed for the door, but before he reached it, a comforting hand was placed on his shoulder.

White Cloud had caught up with him and stopped him by placing her hand on his shoulder. As always, he first stiffened, but then relaxed. "You know that we love you, Severus. We are only doing this to help you." Her voice was so motherly, so full of love.

"I know," Severus said, but didn't dare to look at her face. He knew he would see so much worry there. He almost regretted telling her what problems he had lately, but, sooner or later, he wouldn't be able to hide his problems from them.

Another hand, larger than the first, rested on his neck. "Come on, boy. Let's get ready for the drive."

~*~

The engine of the old truck rumbled annoying in Severus' ears. He was reminded of his first drive to Doc Martens' back during his first stay at the ranch.

Flashback

Severus didn't understand how they had found out. He had been here just two weeks, and he had tried to avoid hurting himself, but that morning everything had been too much. He had hidden behind the big stable and cut his arm with White Cloud's big butcher knife. The feeling had been overwhelming after such a long time of not being able to do it.

Unfortunately for him, Severus hadn't gotten very far. At the forth deep cut, a large hand had grabbed the wrist of his knife-wielding arm, squeezing hard enough to force Severus to let go of it.

Severus hadn't even realized when Light Arrow approached him because he had been so engrossed in the act of cutting. Finally, he had been able to feel again, hurting himself like he felt he deserved. Nobody understood the feeling of desire to hurt oneself; the need to feel. The blood had hypnotized him, and the blood in his ears had been rushing so loudly that he hadn't heard Light Arrow approaching him.

Severus looked, terrified, up into Light Arrow's worried face. Oh no, I am going to be in so much trouble. They don't like me here, and now they will think I'm even more of a freak. A father-murderer who even hurts himself, but they will never understand. The two adults had been very kind to him from the first day and not one of the kids knew that he had killed his father, but one day or another, Severus was sure they would find out. A murderer. Why did they even take me in? Damn Dumbledore. Why does he have to stick his damn nose into my private life? I'm fourteen and old enough to look after myself. Nobody knows me, and nobody understands me. I should have kept my mother safe, but no, I had to go to this damn school. Merlin, how I hate it all!

Before he could protest, he was lifted up into the arms of Light Arrow and was being carried over to the main house. Oh, no, everyone will see me, Severus thought, shocked.

"Please, no," Severus pleaded and tried to struggle his way out of Light Arrow's arms.

"I'm not going to discuss this with you while you are in this state," Light Arrow said strictly.

"No! Everyone will see me." Severus struggled like hell, but Light Arrow had a firm grip on the underweight teen.

"You hurt yourself, so you have to live with the consequences. Why shouldn't anyone see what you have done to yourself? And now be quiet until we get you checked over."

Severus knew of the damn rule about not hurting someone else or oneself, and he hated it. Why should anyone care what he did to his own body? It's mine, and I can do with it what I want, Severus thought bitterly.

On their way to the main house, they passed Rose and Black Hawk. Oh no, of all people we might run into, it's the two who haven't thus faravoided me like I have a contagious illness. Now nobody will even look at me again. Severus could no longer stand the worried look of Rose and the uncertain look of Black Hawk.

Rose was the daughter of Light Arrow and White Cloud. She was very young to be the daughter of them, but she had told him that the two elders hadn't even thought that they could have children after long years of trying to have one. When they were no longer thinking about it, it happened.

Severus liked Rose. She had a very calming aura and was always trying to speak with Severus even when he tried to avoid everyone.

Black Hawk was the only boy out of the seven kids who were currently at the camp that cared to waste his time trying to become friends with Severus. He was a quiet boy and often looked very serious. Severus didn't know why Black Hawk was here, but he didn't dare to ask because then the other boy would surely ask him the same question back.

The only thing Severus knew about him was that he had been in the camp for almost two month and no end date to his stay was to be seen. Severus was shocked about that. He didn't want to stay that long. Professor Dumbledore hadn't told him how long he had to stay here, and when he had asked Light Arrow, he only had answered ‘As long as you need to heal.' Heal? What the hell were they talking about? He didn't need to heal. He had only killed his father for killing his mother while he was at school and couldn't protect her. That damn alcohol-addicted bastard.

Severus didn't regret what he had done. If he could go back in time, he would do exactly what he had done, again. He had blocked the fact that he had felt sick and had thrown up heavily after he had realized that he had killed his father with a poker. Severus had also blocked that he had killed his father out of defence, not because he had wanted to kill him in revenge for his mother's death. The drunken man had mocked Severus over his dead mother, and when the teen had hit him, Tobias Snape couldn't control himself and violently beat his son. He hadn't even stop when Severus lay bleeding badly on the floor. Out of reflex, Severus had grabbed the poker from beside the fireplace and hit his father on his head. The man had dropped down on top of him, and Severus lost consciousness. When he had awaked, his father still lay on top of him, and he was drenched not only in his own blood, but also that of his father. Tobias Snape was dead.

Severus had been allowed to spend the remainder of his summer at Hogwarts with the Headmaster, but that also meant that the old man got a good insight into Severus' private life. He had found out about Severus' not realizing hunger and being very underweight, about the nightmares Severus had almost every night, and about Severus need to hurt himself. After Madam Pomfrey declared she couldn't do anything to help him because Severus didn't open up to her, she had told the headmaster about this camp. She had heard about it at an advanced training for Mediwitches. That was the reason why Severus was now in the USA, in the middle of nowhere, with people he didn't know.

"Stay put," Light Arrow ordered and went over to White Cloud's emergency kit in the kitchen. On his way back to Severus, he waved his hand and an otter Patronus formed in the air, and then ran upstairs.

Severus had given up his struggle. He just wanted to be left alone. It was embarrassing. Of course he knew that it wasn't normal to want to hurt himself like this, but it felt good to him; the problem was that they just didn't understand.

Light Arrow started to clean the wounds with alcohol; Severus winced. It was one thing to hurt yourself and enjoy the induced pain, but it was another when the pain was caused by someone else. Severus wasn't immune to pain and definitely didn't enjoy all kinds of pain.

Before Light Arrow had cleaned all of his wounds, White Cloud came running down the stairs. "What happened?"

"He cut himself with a knife," Light Arrow explained, making room for his wife.

"Let me see, Severus," White Cloud said and examined his arm.

Severus felt bad. The more he came out of his pain-thirsty phase, the more he regretted what he had done. He didn't want to do it, but at some point he couldn't deny his body its needs. Why couldn't they understand that sometimes his body wanted something other than what his mind wanted? At least, that's how it felt for Severus. It's so damn hard to fight it. Severus felt very badly upon seeing the worried faces of the adults. He had been so surprised when they had taken him in, even knowing what he had done and what a freak he was. He was even more surprised when they always showed only love and understanding to him as if he was a part of their family. Never had they given the impression that they were annoyed; not even when they had to come in the middle of the night to calm him after a nightmare, which had been very often, even though he only had been here for two weeks.

Now they were busying over him as if he had hurt them and not himself. White Cloud finished cleaning the wounds and bandaging his arm. "Doc Martens has to see this. It might need stitches."

Severus abruptly pulled his arm away and pressed it protectively to his chest. "No, it will be okay."

"No, Severus, that won't be okay. You cut very deeply. Maybe you held up so long that the stress was so high that you lost control and cut far too deeply. You have lost a lot of blood, and I fear at least two of the wounds will need stitches. I have stopped the bleeding, but I can't stitch the wounds. And as you know, the rule for hurting yourself is to contact someone outside the camp as well." White Cloud looked sternly at him, but her eyes still held the warmness she always was radiating.

"No, I won't go to that doctor," Severus screamed.

"You will. This isn't up for discussion. You know the rules, and you will see Doc Martens, now," Light Arrow said calmly while leaning back in his kitchen chair.

"It's not that bad. It will heal. It always heals," Severus protested. Under no circumstances would he let a doctor see his wounds. It was embarrassing enough that Light Arrow and White Cloud had seen them.

"You already heard White Cloud, Severus. These wounds won't heal on their own, and even if they would do, you would still have to see Doc Martens. That's all of discussion we will do about it at the moment; now come," Light Arrow ordered and stood up.

Severus stepped backwards. Why can't they just leave me alone?

Light Arrow looked patiently at Severus. "If I have to carry you screaming and kicking into the truck and to Doc Martens', then I will. It's your choice if you will come with me freely and keep your dignity, or if I have to force you."

"Why can't you leave me alone? I want to go back to England. Call Professor Dumbledore to fetch me," Severus said and didn't stop backing away from the slowly approaching Light Arrow.

"I will not call your Headmaster before you are ready to go back to your old life, Severus, and you are far away from that right now. Your only way to leave this camp is by working together with us to heal. And one step in that direction is your meeting with Doc Martens now." With that Light Arrow had reached Severus and grabbed his arm.

Severus tried to pull out of the grip with no success. "Please, it will heal. Don't force me to see the doctor. I'm a freak." Severus had started to cry out of desperation, and when he realized what he had said with his last few words, he whimpered and looked down, ashamed. He hadn't wanted to say that.

"Severus, look at me," Light Arrow instructed the crying boy and lifted Severus' chin with his free hand. "You are not a freak. You sometimes do things not all people do, but there are reasons why you do it. You have to learn to fight the urge to hurt yourself, and it will be a long and treacherous journey. When and how you will manage it will show your character. Fighting something is harder than giving in the need. You know it's not right to hurt yourself, Severus, but the time of hiding it is over. Now is the time for fighting and finding a way to resist the urge. Doc Marten will not only take care of your wounds, but he will also help you to find a way to fight, Severus. We will be here for you, to help you. Living with the need to hurt yourself is not an option. You would never be able to live a normal life this way. You don't deserve this."

"No, I do," Severus mumbled, and Light Arrow had to steady the teen in his strong arms.

"No, you don't, Severus! You are a wonderful young man with great skills. There are people who are very worried about you, and we are amongst them. We want to help you, Severus. I don't think that you really like what you do to yourself. Am I right?" Severus shook his head as much as he could while pressing his face in Light Arrows chest. Light Arrow tightened his embrace when he felt Severus shaking violently.

"You deserve a better life, Severus. You are a good boy."

"I'm not," Severus sobbed in Light Arrows chest.

"Oh, yes you are, my boy. You are a very good boy."

"I'm a murderer," Severus whispered against Light Arrows chest.

"You defended yourself, Severus." Light Arrow held Severus by his shoulders, away from himself, and looked in the tear-stained face. "Your father was a cruel man, and you defended yourself against him."

Severus breathed deeply and shook his head slightly.

It was too soon for the boy to believe him; Light Arrow knew this, but it didn't stop him from telling Severus what he thought. "Come on, Severus. We will need over half an hour to reach the town and meet Doc Martens. Your arm needs to be healed."

And so Severus soon found himself in the old truck while tears streamed down his cheeks and with a big fear to let someone else see what he had done.

End of flashback

The truck drove over a big pothole, and Severus was pulled out of his memory. He looked at his swollen and bandaged hand. It hurt more now than it had yesterday. The painkiller effect of White Cloud's salve had lost its power.

"Pain?" Light Arrow asked, not averting his glance from the battered road.

"A bit," Severus answered grumpily.

Light Arrow grunted to show Severus how little he believed him. "Only ten more minutes, then we will be there."