Cherokee Camp by grugster
Summary: After two weeks of torture by Death Eaters, Draco and Harry have to find a way to cope with all their memories. Severus, as their guardian, tries to help and spends some time with them at a therapy camp in the USA. Draco and Harry friendship
Categories: Parental Snape > Guardian Snape, Healer Snape, Teacher Snape > Trusted Mentor Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Draco, Original Character
Snape Flavour: None
Genres: Drama, General, Hurt/Comfort
Media Type: None
Tags: Alternate Universe
Takes Place: 4th summer
Warnings: Character Death, Torture
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 66 Completed: No Word count: 195045 Read: 233007 Published: 09 Jun 2009 Updated: 15 Apr 2012
Chapter 63 – Letting Go by grugster

-II-

"Do you think Crying Horse will stay?"

"Sure. He can't leave Rose, and she can't leave him. Maybe they are making up already."

"I hope so, but I'm sure Rose will find the right words."

"Or other things," Black Hawk said, grinning.

"Damn, you are an idiot, Black Hawk."

"Yeah, but you love me exactly like I am." Black Hawk sat down beside Severus, grinning at him.

"So it's the sabbatical for us again," Severus said, defeated. "I hate to depend on hunting. That will slow us down and the sabbatical will last even longer."

"Yeah, but I hate to only eat plants and berries," Black Hawk replied. "We are doomed."

"You're so right, brother."

-II-

"Wow, they look beautiful," Draco said when he looked at the wild horse group from a hill. The medication for his diarrhea had helped and now he could enjoy the ride with Red Horse. "How many are there?"

"It should be sixteen. Wait a moment, and let me count them." After a few seconds, Red Horse said. "Yes, they are all there. Do you see the black one a bit away from the rest? That's Roan, the lead stallion. He is smelling us."

"Can we go closer?"

"No, if we need to have a closer look at them, we need more people to hold them at bay. Otherwise they would just flee. We are just here to check if they are still all alive and if they are healthy. Would you like to help me?"

"What can I do?"

"Watch them and tell me if you see a horse that behaves strange or limps."

"Okay," Draco said and watched the herd closely.

"Did you see anything abnormal?" Red Horse asked after ten minutes.

"No," Draco said a bit disappointed. He had hoped to be a big help to Red Horse.

The older man laughed. "And you are disappointed about that?"

"I hoped I could help you." Now that he realized that it would have meant that one of the horses was ill, he felt stupid. "I didn't want one of them to be ill."

Red Horse smiled at Draco. "I know you don't want them to be ill, and you helped me a lot. Four eyes see more than just two. How about we ride over to the river and make a fire to heat our meal." White Cloud had given them some stew and bread to eat during their trip.

Draco looked skeptically at Red Horse's saddle-bag. "Do you have anything with you?"

"Sure, are you doubting my outdoor skills?" He smiled again and then gave Rolling the signal to move again.

Draco followed him, and at the river, Red Horse asked him to take care of the horses, so he could already start with the fire. That was no problem for Draco as he had started to love the horses. Rolling was a very calm horse, and was quite strong. He was a brown and white quarter-horse with a beautiful long mane. There were two raven feathers plait into it and colorful wooden pearls were decorating their keels.

"Good boy," Draco said to Rolling and pet his head when he tightened the leash on a thick branch. Unega looked puzzled at Draco, obviously wondering why he was taking care of someone else than himself. Draco laughed. "Are you jealous, Unega?" He patted the horse and got a snort as a reply. When he led Unega over to the river to let him drink, he slipped out of his shoes and socks and lead Unega into the river where it was shallow. The water was wonderfully cool against his feet, and he wished he could go swimming.

When he finally positioned Unega beside Rolling, he went over to Red Horse. The campfire was alight and the small pot of stew was placed over it.

"It will need some time. How about we go swimming?" Red Horse suggested.

"I don't have my swimming trunks with me."

"There is nobody here. We can go swimming in our underwear. They will dry in the sun afterward."

The water really had felt great to his feet before, and Red Horse already had seen him in his underwear during the sweat lodge. For some unknown reason he trusted the man even more than Black Hawk and Crying Horse. "Okay," Draco said still a bit uncertain.

Draco regret that he had decided to wear briefs today, but he felt much more comfortable in them while riding than in boxers. His insecurity vanished when he saw Red Horse's boxer shorts.

"Don't laugh; I like them," Red Horse said and went into the river. It looked a bit ridiculous to see the strong, muscular man in boxers with little horses on them. At least it lightened Draco's insecure mood, and he ran into the river grinning madly. They played around, splashed water at each other, and challenged each other who could stay under water longer than the other one. When they came out of the water Red Horse threw a towel at Draco. "I hate to wear wet underwear, so turn away if it makes you uncomfortable when I change out of them and wrap the towel around me. I tell you when it is safe to turn again. You can do what you want. Let the briefs on to dry or wrap the towel around you and let them dry on a branch in the sun like I'll do." With that he turned away from Draco and started to dry himself.

Draco turned away and quickly thought about what he should do. When he had dried himself, he looked over his shoulders. Red Horse had already told him that he had finished. The man was still with his back to him and busied himself at the campfire. Draco wrapped the towel around his waist like Red Horse had done and then pulled his briefs off and placed them beside Red Horse's on the branch directly in the sun.

"The stew is ready," Red Horse said and gave Draco a bowl with steaming strew. "The bread is over there." He pointed at the bread loaf close to the fire. The bread was warm as well and tasted delicious. After the meal their underwear wasn't dry, so they just sat beside each other and looked at the river.

"Doesn't it make you feel uncomfortable when people see you... you know... naked?" Draco asked and blushed deeply, even though he had tried everything to prevent it.

"For a long time I felt very uncomfortable, and I prefer to be clothed, but I trust you. I wouldn't feel that comfortable with anyone here in the camp either, you know? Just my brothers and Mom and Dad."

"And me," Draco whispered.

"Yes."

"Do you think I won't care one day as well?"

Red Horse shrugged his shoulders. "Who knows. Everyone is different. It doesn't matter if you will or not. You need to do what makes you feel best. Many people feel uncomfortable to be in their underwear around others. That's normal."

"Yes, but it is different than before... you know."

"Yes, I know, but it will become less disturbing. You will learn that not all people are leering after you or staring at your scars, but even if not, it is still okay. There is no need to be around others in underwear very often. Only when you have a girlfriend or are in the sweat lodge or go swimming. It wasn't that bad in the river, was it?"

"No, but just because it was you. I don't want anyone to see me in my underwear. Only with Harry and Severus I don't care. They know me very well, and they don't care about the scars."

"Everyone here has scars, Draco. Some are visible and others are not. The ones you can't see are often the worst."

"But some are proud of their scars. I know Harry is."

"Yeah, maybe, but still he would prefer to not have them, and I'm quite sure he has a lot of that invisible scars as well."

Draco didn't say anything for a long time, and Red Horse just sat beside him silently. Finally Draco felt confident enough. "You... it happened to you as well, right?"

"The rape?"

Draco nodded, holding his breath.

"Yes, but it is a long time ago, and I learned that it was a part of my life and now it is much better, and I'm the one who decides how much the past is able to influence me. I feel safe here, even though many new kids come and go. I don't have to talk with them, if I don't want to. Nobody will hurt me here, and now I know I can defend myself and say no. It's not the same as it was for you, Draco."

"I also didn't say no in the end," Draco whispered. "I let them use me. I was their whore."

"No you weren't. Whore are selling their body willingly to someone. You didn't do that. They forced you, even if you gave up fighting. As long as you didn't want it and didn't ask for it, they had no right to do it. It was rape. Not saying anything in the end was just one way to survive. You were smart and found a way to survive, Draco. You should be proud of yourself."

Draco looked totally puzzled at Red Horse. He never had seen it like that. He felt sick every time he remembered how he had done anything they said to make it less painful, to not give them any reason to hurt him more. He had spread his legs willingly, but just to lessen the pain, not to allow them to use him. What other choice did he have? Struggling would have meant more pain and more scars. "That's an odd way to see it."

"That's how I see it. You're still alive. I'm glad about it. I'm sure you will find a way to enjoy life again one day. I think you even realized already that there is still much to live for, even with scars and those horrible memories. You need to speak about them and then accept them as one part of your life. A part that lays in the past and you need to let go of all the bad feelings. Do you want to know how I did it?"

Draco nodded eagerly.

"First, I burned them every time when we had a sweat lodge. One bad memory after another. You know the third round is for saying good-bye to things you need to let go. It helped, but it needed some time. Then Light Arrow rode to the river with me, and he said I should gather a few very ugly and heavy stones. I did without knowing why. When I had gathered four, he told me to stop. Four is a holly number for all American Natives, you know? It stands for the four points of the compass and their elements: fire, water, soil and air. Then he told me to take one stone, look at it, and tell him a bad memory I really would like to forget. He told me to name the stone after it, and if I feel better by telling the stone my memory, then I could do that. I did. It was easier to not look at Light Arrow and just the ugly stone. I named it after people I hated and who had hurt me a lot, and I placed a memory of that person in the stone as well. What they had done to me and how I felt about it. After that, Light Arrow said I should throw the stone with the memory as far into the river as possible. The splash when it hit the surface was great, and I imagined how that stone slowly sank down to the river, burying that memory with it. With some work I could leave them behind, but some hound me down again, mostly in nightmares. We went again to the river, but at another place, and I buried some more memories. That time it was even easier to place the memories in the stone, and I could look at Light Arrow for some times. After a while the memories faded, now they are just shadows of my past."

Draco had listened fascinated and looked in awe at Red Horse.

"Would you like to do it as well? I'm sure we can find some ugly stones here."

Draco bit his bottom lip nervously. It had sounded very good when Red Horse had told him about it. If it had worked for the man, maybe it could work for him as well. "I could try."

Red Horse smiled at him. "Then look for four really ugly stones while I put out the fire and pack our things. I think it is better we dress before we do the stone burying."

Draco quickly dressed and then looked enthusiastically for stones. He found some really odd ones. Not ugly, but some with sharp ends or broken ones.

"Do you have enough?"

Draco nodded nervously.

"Lets sit down over there." Light Arrow led Draco to a fallen tree close to the shore. "When you are ready, place the memory of a certain event or person that hurt you in the stone by telling me about it. Try to stay calm and don't let it hurt you too much again. It's just a memory, Draco. The reason for this is to take away the power of your memories hurting you. They are in your past and shouldn't be able to hurt you again or hinder you from having a happy life. I'm here. You are safe."

Draco nodded, took one stone and breathed in deeply. "Lestrange. H... He was one of the Death Eaters who tortured us and raped me. He was the first one to rape me. It was the second day of our capture. He touched me everywhere, and I felt so sick. He first tried to get me hard, to humiliate me, but I was too afraid and ashamed. Never could I have become... never. He grabbed me hard down there when he realized his tactic wasn't working. It hurt a lot. He... he..." Draco's breath became harsher, and he felt a lump building in his throat.

"I'm here, Draco. You are safe. He will never hurt you again. It's in the past." Red Horse laid his big hand in his neck to support Draco. "If it becomes too much just place a small part of the memory in the stone."

Draco shook his head. "No, it must be the whole memory. I can do that." He breathed a few times deeply. "He..." Draco looked at Red Horse. "Are you sure it is okay for you when I say it? Won't you feel..." Tears ran down Draco's cheeks, and he could hardly speak because it felt as someone was squeezing his throat tightly.

"Feel what, Draco? I don't know what you are afraid of at the moment. What do you think I would feel when you place the memory in the stone?"

"I fear you won't like me after it. Maybe you'll think I'm a freak." Ashamed, Draco looked down.

Gently Red Horse lifted Draco's chin. "You are no freak. The people that hurt you are freaks. Nothing you say could make me not like you. I have been raped over years by my father and his friends. Do you think less of me now that you know that? Do you think I'm a freak because I was too afraid to say no to them? Do you think I'm a freak because after several times of pleading them to stop, I just started to lay there without moving and let them hurt me? Do you think it was my fault because I was too weak to fight them, to afraid to even try to tell someone?"

Draco had shook his head vehemently the whole time Red Horse asked that questions, and he was sobbing wildly now. "No, I wouldn't. I'm sorry."

"There is nothing to be sorry about. If you don't think less of me after knowing that, and if you don't think I'm a freak, then don't expect me to think something bad like that and don't think something like that about yourself. It was not your fault. Nothing!"

Draco's lips were almost bleeding now, he had bitten them that much. "I did something very bad." It left his lips before he could stop himself. He let the stone fall and after shaking uncertainly he finally let himself drop into Red Horse's arms. "I thought something very, very bad."

"Shhh, Draco. What did you think?"

"I asked myself why only me." He looked at Red Horse, his face showing so much pain. "Why me? I hated that it just was me."

"Draco, they hurt you very, very badly. It is no wonder you hoped they would have spared you. It's a survival reaction of your mind. You don't need to feel bad about me. I often asked myself why the friends of my father couldn't hurt one of their kids. They had kids. They sometimes spoke about them. How they had earned a special reward in school or a trophy in some kind of sport. I hoped they would find another victim and spare me the pain. I also wished for someone else to feel the pain and not me. Don't feel bad for it."

"But it would have been one of my friends. That's much worse, Red Horse. It could have been Harry." Draco hid his head in Red Horse's shoulder and cried harder.

"That makes no difference in situations like that, Draco. You wanted to live and for the pain to stop. They were just your thoughts not your acts. You didn't push Harry in their arms or tried to convince them to hurt him."

Draco shook his head. No, he would have never done that, he was sure, but why did he had have those horrible thoughts then? "But Harry always tried to make them stop by offering himself for torture and rape. He was so much stronger than me."

"You are not Harry. It's useless to compare yourself with him. It didn't help, did it?" When Draco shook his head, he went on. "See. It was just making them more happy. They knew exactly what would hurt you all the most. Some the torture, some the rape and some to watch helplessly while their friends got hurt. It's all about using power and having power over someone. Rape is not real sex, Draco. It is violence. Sick people force others to have sex with them. The victims aren't sick. They just try to find a way to survive. Any way is okay, Draco. If your mind felt better by thinking that it was so unfair that it was only you, then that is okay. You didn't hurt anyone with that. Absolutely nobody."

That made Draco think. Red Horse was right. He didn't hurt Neville, Ron or Harry. He never had spoken out his thoughts. He never had ask the Death Eaters to hurt his friends instead of himself. He was one hundred percent certain that he would have never spoken them out; he would have preferred to die before he would have done that. It wasn't his fault they were hurt and that two of them died. Nobody was hurt by his shameful thoughts. Slowly Draco looked up and in Red Horse's face. "You really think so? I'm not bad because of that?"

Red Horse shook his head. "No, you are not bad."

Exhausted, but so relieved he laid down against Red Horse's chest. The older man drew calming circles for a long time onto his back, before he spoke again. "We can do the stone drowning another day if you want. You don't need to do it today."

"But I want to. At least that one I already started." He paused shortly still laying against Red Horse's chest, listening to the man's heartbeat. "Or do I have to do all four?"

"No, you don't have to. You can just do that one if you want."

Draco nodded and grabbed for the stone. Then he leaned back against Red Horse chest. "Lestrange. He... he grabbed me down there very, very hard. It hurt so much. I never felt a pain like that before. I thought he would rip them of. I still can hear his evil laugh."

"Try to place that laugh in the stone. Transform it into the stone mentally," Red Horse said calmly.

Draco nodded. "I think that is enough memory for the stone, don't you think?"

"Only you can say, Draco. If it feels as if it is complete then it is."

Draco nodded again, but then was unsure what to do.

"Let's stand up. Show the stone that you can live without it. Straight, with your chest out and confident. Show the stone that it can't hurt you anymore and then throw it in the river."

The stone in his hand was heavy, and Draco felt its weight by moving it a few times up and down. He again tried to imagine that memory, Lestrange, the pain, the evil laughs and that feeling of fear to being damaged forever in the stone. He could feel the stone become even more heavy. That gave him confidence that he was successful. It had worked for Red Horse and it could work for him as well. With all his strength he threw the stone far into the river. Red Horse had been right. That sound it made while hitting the surface was so satisfying. It was as if Draco could feel it in his chest. Then he imagine how Lestrange and all the pain was sinking to the ground of the river, captured in that stone. Draco felt light and had the feeling he could breath much better now. It just felt amazing.

To be continued...


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