Where Once Was Light by Ivy-Green
Summary: Severus is found out as a spy among the Death Eaters and runs for his life. Along the way, he makes some shocking discoveries about Harry Potter.
Categories: Parental Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Draco, Dumbledore, Hermione, Lily, Original Character, Remus, Ron, Sirius
Snape Flavour: None
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama
Media Type: None
Tags: Alternate Universe, Resorting, Slytherin!Harry, Snape-meets-Dursleys
Takes Place: 4th summer
Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Alcohol Use, Profanity, Violence
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 43 Completed: No Word count: 174704 Read: 333934 Published: 23 Jul 2009 Updated: 04 Jan 2012
Chapter 12: Better in the Morning by Ivy-Green
Author's Notes:
Severus and Harry have a bit of difficulty adjusting and coming to terms.

1994

Unable to look into the pleading green eyes, Severus turned away. “Upstairs,” his voice sounded oddly mechanical. “I’m…tired.” If it was a display of weakness, the professor did not care at the moment. He really was tired, his ranting and surge of magic had drained him considerably, much more than it should have normally. That, and along for perhaps the biggest shock he had ever received, Severus was surprised he could walk!

Looking up the steps, the master wizard paused. What was there to be afraid of? He had obviously climbed them before and he had been able to get down. Clutching the handrail, the Potions Master’s ascent was slow, but steady as he chanted a familiar phrase to get him up, one he had made up as a child. It had served him well over the years, but he found that he was still uncomfortable with the damn things!

Had he looked back, he would have seen Harry, his son, sit on a step, staring off into oblivion dejectedly. However, Severus did not look back, nor had he wanted to. How could he look at the child he had sworn to loathe for all eternity as something other than a nuisance, as a rival of sorts? This James Potter clone, this Gryffindor abomination was really his? It all sounded like a very bad joke, but then, Severus knew it was not.

Walking up to the door of the room he had previously occupied, Severus looked down the hall at the other doors. Which one was Harry’s? What color was it? Did the child keep it clean, or was he among the teenage boy norm that destroyed everything?… But why did he even care?

Walking into the room was like walking back in time. With his memories slowly leaking back into his head, Severus understood why this room had been so familiar. He and Lily had stayed here with the Dursleys before they had gotten a flat to themselves. Well, Lily had owned the silly place, Severus had just helped pay as he could not rightfully sign a lease with the woman no one even knew he was married to. This room had been so different then…

Sinking down onto the bed, thoughts swirling dismally, the Potions Master stared at the wall for Merlin knows how long, seeing and hearing nothing but the memories that sprung up randomly in his mind. He recalled his wedding day, and how breathtaking Lily was as she glided down the isle. His eyes had been only for her, lost in her smile, and glow of happiness. Her flowers had been white lilies...

A sob escaped the wizard’s lips, his head fell forlornly. As if remembering his injures, all of the wounds the professor had sprung back to life, each one throbbing terribly. The headache he had acquired became stabbing, more powerful with each heartbeat. What a wretched state he was in! But it could not be helped; he was miserable and lost with no one to turn to. He only hoped that Po- Harry, would go to Petunia for comfort. At least the boy had a family, people that cared about him.

Taking several deep, ragged breaths, Severus turned his attention to the box that Petunia had shown him. His attention was focused on the journal, the one Petunia had said that he should have specifically. But why would that be? Why would Lily have something for him if he was supposed to be dead?

Upon opening the cover lovingly, there, written in the same sparkling green ink as the birth certificate, was the name “Lily Ann Snape.” Clenching his jaw, lest he begin to sob, Severus, steeling himself for the worst, hoping he could control himself. When he lost control…it was never good.

Severus turned the page carefully, least he rip a fragile paper, he began to read the words written, his heart bleeding.

My dearest and most beloved Severus,

Before I begin, let me explain why I am writing to you at all. You see my love, I was told recently that you are now gone, that you have passed away. I am not sure that I can bear the thought of not having you, so I am writing in this journal to keep you up to date, although you are no longer here.

With a breaking heart, Severus noticed the tearstains on the page. Lily had been so devastated at his loss, that she was writing him letters in her journal, as though he were not really dead at all, but merely away. She had done the same thing, on his recommendation in third year, after her grandfather died. After ten or so letters, Lily had felt better having felt like she had left nothing unsaid. Apparently she had not gotten over him nearly as fast. A tear broke free and slid down the Potions Master’s face without his notice.

My first bit of news is to inform you that the Headmaster came by the other day to give me the news. He was so kind to me, and I think he even cried a little. You see! I always told you that everyone loved and cared about you! Everyone that truly knew you cannot help but love you!

But my dearest love, I have tragic news to inform you, and please do not be angry with me because I did not know what else to do! You see, James came by several days after you left and tried to talk to me. I’m afraid to say that I was not very courteous with him and kicked him out. I left to stay with Tunie and Vernon as I can’t stand being alone right now. Those two were able to keep Potter out.

But Dumbledore came by today and tried to persuade me to get back with James. He said that James is an utter wreck without me and even volunteered to go on a dangerous, almost suicidal missions. I told the old man that I didn’t care if Potter were to show up at my door, wand pointed to his head, ready to kill himself if I did not get back with him, because I wouldn’t. But I’m not so sure that I did the right thing.

Oh Sev! I have wonderful news! Terribly, wonderful news! You see, I just discovered the other day that I’m pregnant…

Although he had already guessed what she had wanted to say, seeing it written down, and knowing what it meant made Severus sick. Here he had been, gallivanting all around England, alive and well, and he had abandoned his wife! His wife that had been carrying his child! Guilt surged through the wizard’s heart, and he wondered if he could die from it.

I am so happy that I will have this baby, Sev, as it will be my last link to you, but I am also scared. I don’t know what to do! What will I tell people? I can’t tell them its yours even as my tongue burns to scream my joy, but would it be safe? I’m not so sure it would be. What if the Death Eaters came for it? What if they got our baby? I’m safe at the moment with Petunia, but I’m still trying to come up with an idea on how to protect our little one.

Alas! It is late and I am tired. I will keep writing to you every step of the way. I wish you were here with me. I would sleep better at night.

Love you always.

By the time he was finished reading, tears flooded out of Severus’s eyes, even as his face remained in a determined blank. With his hands shaking violently, the wizard set the tiny box of Lily’s things aside and stretched out on the bed, clinging to the journal as though his very existence depended on it.

With his heart in turmoil as long dead emotions raged against him, Severus closed his eyes, just letting the tears fall. He was tired, too tired to care anymore. He did not want to face the world anymore. All he did want to do was sleep, sleep and dream good dreams of his Lily. Dream about the way things were supposed to be.

&&&&&

Harry looked up right as his cousin waddled into the house. The moment the fat child saw his cousin, he sneered victoriously. “MUM!” he shouted. “Harry’s not doing anything!”

Petunia rushed into the room immediately, her face flustered and pale. “Dudley!” she hissed. “For heaven’s sake, do not yell!”

The older boy looked confused for a moment before deciding that this deserved a frown. His mother had never taken that sort of tone with him before and he did not know how to react. “But mum,” the boy whined, hoping that his mother would start acting normal again.

Sighing, Petunia turned to Harry. “Go straighten up the kitchen,” she ordered firmly, signaling to Harry that appearances had to be kept up. What would Uncle Vernon say if he suddenly saw his wife acting kindly towards her nephew?

Trying to hide how hurt he really was, Harry nodded, mumbling a, “Yes, Aunt Petunia,” before walking off to do what his aunt had asked.

Harry usually did not mind scrubbing the floors, what he minded was when his cousin tried to ruin all of his work. But at the moment, the young wizard was grateful for the task of scrubbing. It let him think, but it could also distract him if he let his mind focus. Right now, Harry wanted something to keep him focused on something other than the man upstairs in his room, anything to keep his thoughts away from what had been told to him today.

Time flew, and yet stood still, as Harry worked, and the next thing he knew was that Uncle Vernon was home. Making dinner was one of the young wizard’s favorite chores to do. It was only after he started mashing the potatoes that he truly realized how late it was. It was after six o’clock! Where had the day gone? In panic and chaos, he thought glumly.

While setting the table, Petunia came bustling in. She looked about as well as ever, which surprised Harry greatly. His aunt must have been a spectacular actress to keep Uncle Vernon and Dudley in the dark… or perhaps he was just being generous with complements. It did not take a great deal of energy to fool the two fat blobs that passed as human beings.

“Your uncle’s had a terrible day,” Petunia whispered, looking over her nephew’s shoulder as he stirred the gravy. “Just keep quiet during dinner and then clean up after. I’ll give you some leftovers to eat. Give some to Severus too. He hasn’t eaten anything all day.”

With that, the Muggle promptly left, going to sit once more with her husband and son. Harry scowled after her for a moment before turning back to his cooking. At least he would get to eat tonight. He didn’t realize how hungry he was until his aunt had said something. Lunch had been completely forgotten this afternoon in favor of discovering hidden truths.

But Petunia’s words came back, ringing in his ears. Snape… his father… had not eaten anything all day! No wonder the man had been tired. Healing people needed lots of liquids and regular meals, or so Madame Pomfrey always lectured to him. How had he forgotten to feed the man? He was probably starving right now!

It’s not really your fault, a small part of Harry’s mind told him. You had enough to think about without having to watch Snape’s diet. The young wizard shuddered. But you’re supposed to care because he’s your father! He’s not just Snape now.

With a shake of his head, Harry set out the food just as the Dursleys entered the kitchen. As warned, Vernon looked livid. Taking his aunt’s advice, the wizard stepped back and watched, as he always did, as his family gorged themselves while he got nothing. They were disgusting.

“Daddy!” Dudley whined. Harry winced. “Remember that Harry spilled water on the floor this morning? He also was doing nothing when I got home.”

The fat boy beamed over at his cousin cruelly, even as Harry glared. Vernon, turned his massive head over to glower at his nephew. “Was he now?” the fat man looked back at his son. “Well then, we’re going to have to make sure he knows not to do nothing.”

Dread flooded Harry’s limbs and his stomach flipped over. There was no way to get out of this one. Although it was completely insane, the reasons for his punishment, the young wizard could not truthfully deny any of Dudley’s claims, even if they had been false. Vernon always believed his own son rather than Harry, so what was the point of trying?

“Vernon, please,” Petunia snapped, surprising her nephew. “Can’t we at least finish our meal in peace?”

Looking over at his wife, the mustached man nodded. “I intend to, Petunia dear, but I want to let this worthless freak know that he hasn’t gotten away with anything. If he thought he did, he’d be ten times worse for it!”

I can hear you, you fat arse! Harry longed to scream, but held it in. The last thing in the world that he wanted was for Snape to hear something and come crashing down out of the ceiling. The professor already suspected abuse, Harry was sure of it. The way Sn- his father, had looked over his cheek, the young wizard was sure that the Slytherin had put two and two together.

After dinner was finished, the Dursleys left the room, leaving Harry to clean up and wash the dishes. Apprehensively, the Gryffindor started the water for the dishes before moving on to clearing the table. Petunia came back into the room and covertly made two plates for Harry and Severus to eat later. She then placed them in the cupboard for Harry to retrieve later. It was a simple plan really, but the trick was to distract both Dudley and Vernon at the same time. The young wizard did feel confident, however, that his aunt would take that job upon herself.

As usual, the dishes took about an hour, seeing as both Dursley men ate enough to feed an army or so each. But the whole time he washed, Harry could not help but think back to Snape’s reaction to finding out their relation. The man had at first seemed confused, then angry. For a moment Harry had thought he saw acceptance, but then the man had looked disgusted, and shocked. Did Snape want a son? Would he take Harry on, or abandon him here? Rejection had never felt so bitter, or so real to the boy before now.

After the last dish was scrubbed and put away, Vernon came into the room. He had a belt in hand. Harry blanched.

“This ought to teach you to ruin things, you freak,” the man growled.

Before Harry could have gotten away, the large man had a hold of the boy’s wrist with bruising force. Shaking, the young wizard tried to think of something, anything that he could do to get out of this. He had never wished for Snape to come so much in his life, wishing the Potions Master would turn Vernon into some kind of bug and then step on it or some other creatively wicked punishment. But at the same time, Harry did not want Snape, his father, to come walking in on this scene. The young wizard did not think he could bear it if the older wizard just stood by and did nothing; not to mention the shame the Gryffindor would feel.

Luckily, the blows with the belt were mostly aimed at the Harry’s back and backside. There was not as much force behind the blows either, for which the young wizard was glad. Like always, the boy bit his lower lip and let his uncle get the punishment out of his system. It did not last too long, but it had been enough for Harry.

“Now get out of here!” Vernon barked once he was done, pushing Harry away from him. “And get up stairs to bed. I don’t want to hear a peep out of you! Understand?”

Face flushed, his lip bleeding, the young wizard nodded. “Y-yes Uncle Vernon.”

Petunia came in at that time, her face looking sympathetic until she looked at her husband. “Vern,” she called his attention away. “Dudley wants to show you something.”

Giving Harry one last growl, Vernon waddled back into the parlor. Petunia, who was expected to follow, gave her nephew a sad glance before she followed her husband. Again, it seemed nothing changed.

Opening the cupboard door soundlessly, Harry took up the plates of food before rushing up the stairs. Merlin he hated them! He hated them all! Why hadn’t Snape come? Why hadn’t his father come to save him?

Sniffling, Harry took a moment to collect himself before he opened the door. When he entered, the room was dark. Use to maneuvering at night, the young wizard managed to get to his desk to set down the plates before he turned on a light. There, sound asleep on the bed, was the Potions Master, his face once again crinkled, as though in unpleasant dreams, looking vulnerable.

All the fragile anger that had been built up towards the man for not coming to help him dissipated instantly. Of course Sn- his father, would be sleeping. The professor was hurt and had probably tuckered himself out after the events of the day. Harry could not remember a time when Madam Pomfrey let him out of the hospital wing to go roaming around as Sn- his father had done. The boy found himself hoping the Potions Master had not hurt himself further.

Sighing, Harry let his tears roll down his cheeks. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. Sitting down was careful work as he tried to find a place that had been left unharmed by his uncle’s ravings. The boy found that if he sat leaning more toward the right that it hurt far less.

Taking the plates, Harry began to devour his food with the appetite a teenage boy should have. Soon all of his food was gone, and the young wizard found himself looking over at the other greedily. Snapping his head over at the other wizard, Harry found that man still sleeping. Surely sleep was the best thing for now? The Potions Master would not want to be woken up for food, right?

Deciding that he had rather have the other stay unconscious, Harry began eating off the other plate. He really did cook pretty well. If it hadn’t been a chore, he wondered if he would have liked cooking a lot better.

After his meal was finished, and after giving Hedwig some of the meat he thought she would be okay to have, Harry went about making a bed for himself on the floor. He did not mind really. After sleeping in a cupboard, pretty much anything in the open air was fine with him. Besides, there was nowhere else to move the professor. The floor was perfectly fine with Harry.

The young wizard was about to turn out the light, when he noticed something clutched in Snape’s hands. Standing up, Harry realized that it was his mother’s diary. The professor must have been reading it when he fell asleep.

As carefully as he could, Harry tried to pry the little book out of the man’s hand, but found that it would not move. Attempt after attempt seemed to fail, until at last, the boy was able to get it away from the other. When he sensed the absence of the book, Snape’s face crinkled a little bit more, and a frown etched his lips, but he did not do anything else but shiver.

Exhaling a breath of relief, Harry set the leather bound journal down on the desk before covering… his father... with the blanket at the end of the bed. Once satisfied that the older man would not catch a cold, the boy took off his glasses and turned out the lights.

Lying down, Harry realized just how much he hurt. He was unable to stop the tears of pain, tears of fright, and tears rejection that came out. He was certain that if Snape could sleep through Vernon and Dudley thundering about downstairs, he could sleep through a few of Harry’s sniffling. Perhaps things would look better in the morning?

To be continued...
End Notes:
The idea of the journal came to me several years ago when I knew someone much older than me having said that they had done something of the sort to deal with their loss. It was touching to me, and I hope you enjoy it too. In this story, Lily needs to write to Severus, even though she knows he's "dead" to cope with everything else in her life.

Please review! Reviews create smiles: Scientific fact. Honest!


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