All he could do was sit down and stare up at Remus… Harry thought maybe the man was waiting for something. Anger, or yelling, a fight, maybe even a breakdown… But Harry did nothing. There was nothing - no reaction at all. Instead, he was numb.

They stayed like that for as long as Harry could remember. Just waiting there, quietly, as if Sirius would walk through the door at any moment and tell them that they were mistaken. That he never had died.

But of course, that didn’t happen. And for a while, nothing did. Not until Harry found the will to speak.

“How,” he asked, like it took everything out of him. And it did. The room started swirling around him, but he sat motionless watching it all as if he were on a cheap carnival ride. The room spun so much that he got a headache, and felt light headed and all he wanted to do was sleep. But first he had to know. About Sirius, and about everything else.

“He was pushed,” Lupin said, still standing. “A few months ago, at the ministry, you were there too, but you just cant remember it. There was a battle, most of the order was there, including Ron, Hermione and a few other students. In the Department of Mysteries, there is an archway that connects the living to the dead… Bellatrix Lestrange pushed him through it…”

It took Harry a while to comprehend what exactly he was saying… At first, everything was just a bunch of words jumbled together, but Harry connected them to make sentences, much like a word puzzle. But no matter if he finished it, he didn’t win in the end.

“Harry?” Lupin asked after a while. The Gryffindor boy had been staring at his hands for well over two minutes. When addressed, he finally looked back up with tired eyes.

“Why?” Was all he could say. Lupin looked like he didn’t know how to respond.

“I… I don’t know, Harry. Bad things happen to the best of people, and Sirius didn’t deserve-”

“No,” Harry said firmly. That’s not what he meant. He didn’t ask to be preached to.

“I meant why did the battle even start? And what was I, and Ron and Hermione doing at the Ministry to begin with? And why couldn’t we just go in and pull him out? And-”

“Harry,” Lupin said. “You just cant go into the veil and come back out, or even through the other side. Its not like that… No one understands it, it’s a mystery. Believe me Harry, if there was a way to bring him back, we would, but there just isn’t…” Lupin didn’t go on. He finally sat back down slowly, and just watched Harry. Harry looked away.

“Well?”

“Well what,” Lupin asked.

“What about the other stuff? Why were we even there? Ron and Hermione and the others I mean? Who was there exactly anyway?” Lupin looked reluctant to answer, and Harry didn’t know why.

“Besides you three, Ginny, Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood were also there-”

“Who’s Luna Lovegood,” Harry asked.

“A girl you befriended in the beginning of the year-”

“In the beginning of… the year?” He repeated. Lupin seemed to have paled a bit, and the hairs on Harry’s arms stood up. Then he understood. He understood why Remus had been acting weird, how he kept asking things he already knew the answers too. Why his own face had matured, why the house had felt so empty. It had been an entire year that he forgot. A whole year. And all because he hit his head…

“A year, Remus? I’ve forgotten an entire year?” Harry was shouting at the end there, but he didn’t care. For some reason, it was just as hard to believe as Sirius dying, though saying it aloud help him to try and accept it. To try though. He couldn’t. Not now, and probably not ever.

“Harry,” Remus cut in. “We believe its only temporary-”

“You believe its only temporary? You mean you don’t know-”

“No, of course not. Nothing is certain, Harry. Not now anyway, but-”

“Well when will you know? What am I supposed to do when I go back to school? How will I be able to go to my 6th year when I cant even remember my 5th-”

“I don’t know, Harry,” Lupin stressed. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but we’ll think of something, Harry, I promise.” Harry nodded, which was all he could do. It wasn’t likely that Lupin, or the others were going to solve all his problems, but it was the most believable thing he had heard all morning. So, he nodded. He didn’t think he could argue with the man anymore. Harry cleared his throat before he went on to any more questions.

“You said this happened a few months ago,” Harry asked. Lupin silently nodded. “I was still at school when it happened? But why would I go to the Ministry anyway-”

“Speaking of the Ministry, you were cleared of all charges from the dementor incident last August, as you might have guessed,” Lupin said. Harry nodded, though he thought the interruption was unnecessary. If Lupin had said he was at school for a year, then obviously he wasn’t charged. But something in the way Lupin told him… wasn’t right. Harry realized that this wasn’t the first time the man had tried to avoid answering the question of why Harry had gone to the Department of Mysteries at all…

“Remus?” Harry asked. The man tensed, as if he knew what was coming. “What was I doing at the Ministry that night anyway?”

At first, Lupin looked like he was about to speak, then closed his mouth as if rewording the answer in his mind. He paled a bit, and stared at Harry for a while, but Harry was tired of this.

“Remus… why?”

“Harry… First, I want to tell you that it wasn’t your fault-”

“Wasn’t my fault,” Harry repeated, a trickily feeling running down his spine. “Please, Remus… Just tell me why!” For a while, Lupin stared at him, and then sighed, and then nodded. In that time, Harry was digging his fingernails into his palms. He knew what was coming, he just knew…

“Voldemort found his way into your mind that night,” he said slowly. “It had happened before too, only the first time he sent you a vision that saved Mr. Weasleys life. But that night… he sent you a vision that was fake. It was of Sirius being tortured. He wanted to lure you to the Department of Mysteries so you could retrieve something only could get, but the vision was fake. Sirius wasn’t there. We all came later though, when we heard that you were there-”

“No, Remus,” Harry said, feeling oddly scared for some reason. Of himself maybe. So much though that he started shaking and could barley get the words out. “No… It was my fault?”

“Harry, no, of course it wasn’t. Don’t think like that-”

“But… But I was the reason Sirius left in the first place, Remus. Me-”

“Harry, its not like that,” he interrupted. “They all told him not to go!”

“That doesn’t matter!” He shouted. “He went because of me! If I hadn’t-”

“Harry, listen to me. It wasn’t your fault! Sirius would have gone if it was anyone-”

“But he went because of me, Remus! Me-”

“Harry… drink this,” he said, and shoved a potions vial he had gotten from a drawer into his hands. Harry tried to uncork it, but his fingers were trembling too much. Lupin had to take it back and open it since he couldn’t, he even held it to Harry’s lips for him, which Harry would have thought was nice if he could think at all. The potion helped his shaking, but not his shock… It was his fault that Sirius had died.

Lupin helped Harry to sit down, then got both their glasses and went over to the tea kettle. Harry watched his every move in an attempt not to think about what he had just heard. First Lupin set their mugs on the counter and opened the pot. He went to go pour water in it, even though Harry knew there was enough water for at least three or four more servings of tea. Then he pretended to look around for some tea bags, and finally went into an adjoining room and shut the door behind him, probably the pantry, Harry guessed. But the weird thing was that the man took longer than Harry expected. Minutes, several minutes. At first, Harry was worried and started to get up and go after him, then he slowly sat back down in his chair, and thoughtfully stared at the door that Lupin was behind…

Harry felt awful. Just awful. Lupin said he wasn’t to blame… but he was only mollifying him, he knew. Because if it were the other way around, if Sirius had went to go save Lupin instead of Harry… Well, Harry knew he would hold Lupin at least a little bit responsible. He wouldn’t hate him… not really, but he would still hold it against him. But Sirius didn’t die because of Lupins mistake. He died because of Harry’s… And Harry only knew him for a few years… Lupin knew Sirius almost his entire life. He knew Lupin was probably hurting more… and probably blamed Harry because of it. And Harry was ok with it - he blamed himself too. It was his fault, no matter how much Lupin or anyone else tried to lie to him. Harry knew better.

Finally, Lupin returned, two tea bags in hand. He didn’t meet Harry’s eyes as he fixed their tea though.

“Would you like some biscuits with your tea, Harry?” Lupin asked, his back still turned as he was facing the counter where he was preparing their mugs. Harry shook his head, then realized that Lupin wouldn’t be able to hear that, so he opened his dry mouth.

“No… I think… I think I’ll just head up to my room,” he said. “I think I’ll have a nap,” he lied and stood up.

“Yes,” Lupin said. “Of course.” Harry was already to the door when Lupin called back after him.

“And Harry,” he said. Harry turned around, but Lupins back was still to him. “Happy Birthday.”