The side of his head was throbbing, the worst being at his temple. All he could hear was a high pitched ringing in his ears, and when he tried to open his eyes, he shut them almost directly afterwards- the lights just made everything worse and only had his heading roaring with more intensity than before. Harry groaned and tried to pacify the pain by pressing his hand against his head. Only a few moments after though, something that felt like cold, rough fingers grabbed him by his wrist and pulled his arm down, away from his temple.

“Stop,” Harry objected when he felt alert enough to speak. His headache only grew worse, convulsions of pain surging through his head all the way down to the nape of his neck. Every time he tried to cradle his head again, someone kept pulling his arm away. More than once, Harry tried to swat the other hand away, but only ended up realizing his whole body was just as achy and sore. Harry whimpered as he began to get scared and confused, but was still too much asleep and in pain to comprehend what exactly was going on.

A few minutes passed until he felt encouraged enough to try opening his eyes again. This time though, the lights weren’t as luminous and didn’t hurt his eyes as much as before. But when he tried to sit up and turned his head to the side slightly, it wasn’t too hard to realize what the big black smudge was that reached for his chin, holding it up as he was examined- even before he had a chance to put his glasses on, and even with the throbbing pain on the side of his head, just above his ear.

“Get away from me,” were the first words from Harry Potters mouth the moment the post-unconscious confusion dissolved slightly enough for him to be able to apprehend the simplest of things.

“Potter,” Snape growled in a low tone, only tightening his fingers around his chin so hard he thought he might get bruises. “Hold your tongue so that I may assess the damage further. The more you squirm the longer it will take-”

“What are you talking about,” he interjected in an angry tone that matched his teachers, and while trying to pull away. His attempt was unsuccessful. “What are you even doing here-”

“Be quiet, or I will be forced to cast Silencio-”

Harry laughed in his face, only making his headache hurt at its worst again. He knew where he was. Did Snape?

“Yeah, just try it with Sirius downstairs- Or… well wherever he is. Where is he anyway?”

Snape, who was examining the side of the Gryffindor boy’s head, at the place it seemed to hurt the most, met his eyes, slackening his fingers as he did so. Harry hurried to put his glasses on, but when he did so, he found that for the first time Harry had ever seen, the man looked dumbfounded- utterly shocked, and Harry immediately preferred his usual angry, annoyed demeanor over this new one. Because if Snape, of all people, was speechless… well, that wasn’t a very good sign at all.

“What,” Harry finally asked, after much time had passed. The man seemed to be considering him closely, staring him straight in the eyes. Harry shivered. This wasn’t the first time he felt as if the man could read minds. There had been several occasions when his teacher managed to make Harry feel uneasy like this, mostly when he was lying to his face or hiding something from him though.

“What is the last thing you remember,” Snape suddenly asked, in a tone so unnerving he knew better than to object.

“Err… Well, I was going to bed-”

“Before that, Potter, before that,” Snape spat, causing Harry to scoot back all the way to the headboard of the chilly bed he was laying in.

“Well, we were all…” Harry stopped himself from speaking further. He didn’t know how much he could say to Snape. After all, he was a Death Eater, and hardly anyone trusted him, including Harry. The last thing he remembered before he woke up with Snape in his face was the meeting everyone had- minus Ginny who Mrs. Weasley claimed was ‘too young’, which was completely absurd as she was only a year younger than Harry, and much more mature than even Ron was. The meeting, well, it wasn’t really a meeting Harry realized. The Order was just telling him some stuff that had been going on during the summer while he went stir crazy at the Dursley’s. Honestly, even though he’d just been rescued by Lupin and Tonks and Mad-Eye and the others yesterday which was quite relieving, he was still angry at them all for making him stay on Privet Drive with hardly any contact with anyone from the wizarding world. It was nice that they at least let him in on a little information when he got there, even though it wasn’t much, but Harry still didn’t understand their reasoning for shutting him out. It was a good thing Sirius was there, he thought. Out of everyone, he was the one who wanted to let Harry in on Order business the most.

“Potter!” Snape yelled, getting him out of his trance. Harry realized that if Sirius was probably just downstairs, or maybe even waiting outside the door, then it was ok. Besides, what was Snape going to do about the Order giving him a little bit of information? He wasn’t Dumbledore after all.

“Oh, well, after I arrived here, the Order told me about some stuff after dinner,” he said. When Snape just stared at him with that incredulous look on his face, Harry began to sweat and went on to elaborate. “It was just some stuff I had missed out on since I was at the Dursley’s all summer. It wasn’t much at all, though.”

Snape, who was still just staring at him looked as if he was about to say something, probably yell at him for prying into Order stuff Harry thought, but all the man did was stalk out of the room, closing the door with more force than necessary.

“Git,” Harry called out, but quietly enough so he wouldn’t be heard.

He looked around the room. It was just as gloomy as the rest of the house, or what he had seen of it. He wasn’t exactly given the grand tour last night, he remembered. But then, as the cloudy haze in his mind began fading more, he realized something; this wasn’t the bedroom he fell asleep in last night… If it was, there would be another bed, and Ron would be in it… And why was his head hurting so much? Snape had said he needed to ‘assess the damage’ but what damage could have possibly come to him last night? What if… what if there was an attack on Grimmauld Place last night while he was asleep… What if Ron, who was in the room with him, had gotten hurt too? What if he was more than hurt? And where in the world was Sirius? He wouldn’t let Snape be alone with him for two seconds, not in his own house anyway…

“Harry,” Lupin greeted as he walked in the door. As kind as Lupins voice was, it still startled Harry since he hadn’t heard him come in.

“H- Hello, Professor.” Lupin raised his hand to stop him.

“I haven’t been your teacher for two years now, Harry,” he said. “Call me Remus, if you will.”

“Um, ok… Remus,” he said, trying out the name. It was strange to him as he always referred to him as either ’Professor’ or ’Lupin’ before, but he liked using his first name he decided.

“Its been only one though,” Harry suddenly said.

“One what,” Lupin asked, looking confused.

“One year,” he said. “You said its been two since you taught at the school, but its only been one.”

“Right,” Lupin said, looking worrisome. He sat down on a chair near Harry’s bed, and shifted to where he was more comfortable, then looked at Harry for a while, but in a totally different way than Snape had. The Potions Master had been judgmental, and angry, but Lupin’s features were filled with kindness and concern. Finally, he spoke.

“Harry, Professor Snape said that you were a bit confused earlier-”

“Well, yeah. I don’t know why I’ve suddenly woken up in this room feeling like I’ve been hit by a bludger! What happened last night? One moment Mrs. Weasley is sending me and Ron off to bed,” he said, but skipping the part about the twins coming into their room to discuss what the Order had told them. “I go to sleep, and then the next, I wake up here, in a different room, with Snape in my face! Why is he even here, anyway? Other than for an Order meeting I mean. He hates Sirius.”

Lupin looked as if he cringed towards the end there, but Harry wasn’t sure.

“Professor Snape also mentioned that last night, the last thing you remember was the Order telling you of some stuff that happened over the summer.”

“Well yeah. You were there, Remus, it was only last night.” The man nodded, but Harry had a feeling he was only placating him.

“Harry, can you tell me something?” He asked. Harry nodded, not liking his tone at all. It wasn’t mean, it was just filled with something… something he couldn’t recognize. It sounded as if Lupin was about to ask something he didn’t want to. Or maybe even hear something he didn’t want to.

“What is the date, Harry?”

“Um… I dunno. Early August, I’m not sure about the exact day though. I think it’s the 6th actually… Oh wait, maybe the 7th, I‘m not sure…”

“August 6th, or 7th, 1996?” Harry laughed.

“Um, try going back one year, Remus.”

His ex-teacher raised his eyebrows. An act that meant something was surprising, but he looked relatively calm as he did so.

“So its 1995 then. And you’re going to start your 5th year at Hogwarts in a little less than a month, correct?”

Harry nodded, even though he wanted to ask Lupin why he was asking questions he already knew the answers to.

“Yeah, that’s right,” he said. “But would you mind telling me why my head hurts. Snape said something about there being damage, but I have no idea what he was talking about. And why am I in this bedroom?”

Lupin smiled. “Sorry, Harry, but I don’t think right now is a good time. I’ll tell you later after you’ve rested some more,” he said and pulled out a vial of blue liquid from his faded cloak pocket. “Professor Snape told me to make sure you drank this.”

Lupin handed it to Harry and he uncorked the vial. He looked up at the man who gestured for him to drink it. Harry did so, but it tasted like an unsweetened powdered drink, which was actually better than what he had been expecting. Just as Lupin stood up, drowsiness suddenly washed over Harry like water. He laid back down in bed with his eyes half shut and watched Lupin make his way to the door. He had already opened it when Harry remembered what he had wanted to ask, and called out to him.

“Remus? Where’s Sirius?”

Lupin froze in the doorway for a while, and without turning around, said, “I’m afraid he isn’t here at the moment,” and closed the door behind him.

… Harry was running. Running through a large square garden with untrimmed bushes and overgrown weeds slapping his shins and getting tangled around his ankles, slowing him down. He tried to duck the hexes that were flying overhead as he ran straight to the large, old house he had never seen before, but he felt something like a bullet hit his back, sending pain throughout his body. He kept running though, even though his legs felt like they were about to give out, even though he felt like he would pass out at any moment…

Harry woke up gasping, the sheets that had once covered his body were now a jumbled mass around his legs. As he tried to unfurl them, he could feel his pulse banging in his head, chest and wrists as he struggled to calm down. Taking a few more large gasps of air, he rubbed his eyes and let his head fall ungracefully in his hands. More than once he had woken up in this state that summer, though the content of his dreams were usually different. Last night he had dreamed of something that had never happened, it was just an ordinary nightmare, but generally they consisted flashbacks of the time he had spent in the graveyard- the terror, the first Crucio’s he had ever endured, and Cedric, falling to the ground, his grey eyes lifeless.

Shaking his head and shifting his thoughts to the present matter, he reached for his glasses and sat on the edge of the bed. The tips of his toes lightly brushed against the cold wooden floors and he shivered.

Harry walked over to the adjoining door on the side of the room and opened it; it was a rather small and dusty bathroom. Going over to the sink, he turned the faucet and splashed cold water in his face to help him wake up. He dried himself off with a hand towel and looked at himself closely in the mirror. He couldn’t understand why he looked different- he couldn’t explain the change in his face other than his jawbone was a bit wider and cheekbones were more defined and… well, he just didn’t understand why his green eyes looked so empty. Sad even.

There was a knock at the door.

“Harry?” A familiar voice called out to him, but it wasn’t the voice he‘d been hoping for. Harry opened the door to reveal Lupin standing there, looking a bit wary. Probably because of the confused expression on Harry’s face. He had so many questions that he didn’t even know where to begin. Why was he different? Why did he wake up yesterday feeling like he had just been hit by a car? Where were the Weasleys? Sirius? The rest of the people that were there the other night? Why was Snape there? What ‘damage’ had he been talking about? And why were the two of them acting really weird? Harry didn’t ask though. There was no need to. He knew that Lupin knew he had questions, but Harry also knew he probably wouldn’t be getting any answers- not right now anyway. There was something really strange going on, and he would be shut out- just like he had been all summer. He hadn’t forgotten about all the secrets they kept- were still keeping.

“I think its best that you ate a little breakfast,” Lupin quietly said. Harry could hear the guilt in his voice, and as bad as it was, Harry was a little glad about it. The more culpable Lupin felt, the more likely it would be that he would tell him things he wanted to know. This was one of those times that Harry understood the reasoning behind The Sorting Hat’s desire to put him in Slytherin.

“I’m not that hungry,” Harry said, which was the truth. He didn’t think he would be able to keep anything down, not with all this anxiety anyway.

“But still,” Remus said. “The potions that you need to take are required to be taken with food.” Harry frowned, wondering if the man would be so intent on him eating something if the potions weren’t involved. He realized that he was being childish though.

“And what exactly are these potions for, anyway,” Harry slyly asked, thinking that maybe the man would slip up on accident. Lupin looked tentative to speak.

“Harry…”

“If you wish to be rid of your headache and any discomfort, Potter, then I suggest you shut your mouth and take them,” Snape, who had just walked in the room, said. Harry was about to say he felt fine when he realized he did still have soreness and a headache.

“Headache Calming Draught doesn’t need to be taken with food,” Harry put in, knowing that there was more to the potions than just for his headache to go away. Snape glared.

“It seems all those years of schooling are not lost,” Snape sneered. Harry was about to throw a retort when Lupin interrupted him.

“Harry, please,” he said in a strained voice. “I’ve left your trunk on your bed so you can wash up after breakfast.”

“Um, ok,” he said. “Thanks.” Lupin smiled, but it did not reach his eyes.

“I’ll just go downstairs and bring up a tray,” he said and left, leaving Harry disappointed that he hadn’t taken Snape with him. Snape turned to him and handed him three different vials. One being green, one blue, and the last a fizzy pink that reminded Harry of Tonk’s hair.

“After you’ve eaten, take the blue potion, then the pink, followed by the green,” he said seriously.

“Fine,” Harry flatly mumbled. He wasn’t in the mood for a fight with Snape, not right now anyway. With one last glare at Harry, his teacher silently left the room, closing the door with a faint click. Harry sighed and went over to his trunk that was laying atop his bed. He opened it and began rummaging around for some clothes. It was a little hard though, everything was disorganized as it usually was, making it hard for him to find what he was looking for.

“Harry?” Lupin called, and walked in a moment later with a tray of food. Harry was pretending to busy himself with the task of finding clean clothes in his trunk. He did, however, mutter a small ‘thanks’ when he heard Lupin set the tray on the bedside table.

“Do you need anything,” Lupin asked from behind him, in a tone full of something Harry could not recognize. Trepidation maybe. For some reason that made Harry oddly hopeful. Harry shook his head.

“Then after you’re done with breakfast and you’ve washed up, I’d like you to come downstairs,” he said reluctantly. “There’s some things… we need to talk about.” Harry’s heart leaped, and he turned around.

“About what happened the other night?” He asked, hopeful.

“Amongst other things,” he said impassively. Harry wanted to ask what was up with him, but Lupin spoke again.

“Professor Snape wanted me to remind you of the order you need to take your potions,” he said, and Harry sighed. “Its blue-”

“Then pink, then green. Yeah, I know.” Lupin looked like he wanted to say more, but only nodded.

“I’ll just wait downstairs,” he said, as emotionless as ever. Harry wanted to ask what his problem was, and remind him that he wasn’t the one who no one explained anything to, but he had already left the room.

Realizing that the sooner he ate and showered, the sooner he’d get answers (and probably the sooner he’d get to see Sirius if he was downstairs like he assumed).

Harry picked at the tray of food, which consisted of eggs, beacon and toast with a glass of orange juice. He wasn’t at all hungry, but at least ate some of it, though food felt strange in his mouth, like he hadn’t eaten anything in several days. The toast that he nibbled on made his mouth and throat dry, so he drank some of the orange juice.

After, he reached for the blue potion hoping to find a label as to what exactly it was, but the glass vial was unmarked. Shrugging, he uncorked it and downed it all in one gulp, which was surprising as it didn’t wasn’t nearly as bad as what he was expecting. It wasn’t the same blue potion as last night. If it had been, it would have tasted like an unsweetened powdered drink and he‘d be sleepy by now. But instead, it tasted like burned grass- or what he thought burned grass would taste like; he’d never actually tried it. Amazingly though, his head felt relieved of pressure that he hadn’t even known was there. He was a little disappointed that there was still an ache at his temple though. Reaching for the pink potion, he found that it was the most disgusting thing he’d ever tasted. Since it was pink, the thought it would be sweet, or at least not so horrid tasting. He felt like someone had cast a Crucio on his taste buds. He immediately drank some orange juice to try and wash out the flavor. It helped, but he still had that nasty ’shampoo mixed with rotten milk’ flavor in his mouth. Feeling queasy, he swallowed the green potion as fast as he could, thinking that it would be as bad as the last one. However, it tasted a little nutty, with something like toothpaste added to it.

Harry gathered up some clean clothes he had gotten from his trunk, along with his toothbrush, and went into the bathroom. His head and body felt much better after a hot shower, and his mouth felt less foul after he had brushed his teeth.

On his way downstairs, he could feel rather than just hear how quiet the house was. The only sounds were the creaky floorboards and the muffled sound of the floo, but the air around him felt empty and stale- this was not how Grimmauld Place was supposed to be. Though the house was gloomy and dark to begin with, the number of people who were staying there the last time he checked overshadowed the moroseness of it. Only now, it was just depressing.

His first thought was to walk down the stairs as quietly as possible- maybe then he could eavesdrop on any conversation being held in the kitchen, but every step creaked with his weight, and he couldn’t even hear anyone speaking, so he gave up on the idea and walked normally into the kitchen.

He was a bit disappointed to find only Lupin seated at the table, the one that used to be filled with people and was now empty. He had hoped to see Sirius or maybe even the Weasleys there, but was happy enough that there was no sign of Snape. Lupin smiled and gestured for him to sit.

“Would you like some tea,” he asked and went over to the stove and got the kettle.

“Sure,” Harry replied and was handed a cup of steaming tea. The both of them sat down across from each other and neither looked like they knew where to begin. It was Harry who broke the silence.

“Um… Where’s everyone at,” he asked. He couldn’t understand how a house filled with people was so suddenly empty. Lupin drank some tea and took a while to answer.

“Professor Snape had some errands to run,” he said, but didn’t go on, irritating Harry much more than he already was. Hating the way Lupin kept stalling, he rushed in to ask the thing that had been on his mind the most.

“What happened?” Lupin stared at him for a while, then sighed before he spoke.

“First off, Harry, I want you to know that there are many things you cant remember right now,” he began. Harry nodded, even though he was more than a little confused. “I’m afraid you suffered a rather serious head injury, and cant remember anything I’m about to tell you.” Again Harry nodded, not liking the feeling in his stomach one bit, and not liking how his moth suddenly went dry. Lupin cleared his throat and continued.

“A few days ago you were helping the Weasley’s fix up an old house that Bill had bought,” he started. “You had been staying at the Burrow almost three weeks-”

“But I was at the Dursleys all summer,” Harry protested. “I just got here!”

“Harry, please, let me finish,” he said. “I know this must all be really confusing, but it will all make sense soon enough.” Harry nodded, even though he had many questions.

“Like I said, you were helping them rebuild a house that Bill had bought. He wanted to restore it in time for his wedding later this month,” Lupin said. “But something went wrong… Everyone thought the property was secure, Harry. There were many wards placed on the house and on the surrounding acres, we thought it was safe… Otherwise no one would have brought you there, or the rest of the Weasley children for that matter, but somehow the wards were breached.” Harry sucked in a breath.

“Was anyone hurt,” Harry rushed in to ask.

“Other than you, not really-”

“Not Really?” He repeated “Where are the Weasleys now,” he demanded.

“At the Burrow, Harry, they’re safe-”

“Why cant I remember any of this,” he asked frantically. It just didn’t make any sense… what else had he forgotten?

“You were dueling with Bellatrix Lestrange,” Lupin said. Harry remembered that name from the Dumbledore’s pensive, but Harry didn’t know why the mentioning of her made him so angry- he could literally feel hatred running through his veins so much that is fingers itched for his wand.

“You were with her for a while before anyone found you… We had gotten there just in time, Harry, she was already leaning over you and about to portkey you out of there-”

“So that’s why I cant remember? She cursed me?”

“Not exactly, she did curse you, Harry, but we’re led to believe you hit your head on some of the debris from-”

“So I can be healed, right? Its all physical- not some kind of crazy hex. I just need to see some kind of head doctor or something-”

“You’ve already seen a doctor- When you were sleeping. They said the best thing for you to do would be to wait it out, and take a few potions that Professor Snape has made-”

“How do you know its not poison that he’s given me,” he interrupted. “He hates me, and he’s one of them! He’s a Death Eater-”

“Harry, please, listen-”

“Sirius wouldn’t-”

“Harry, please-”

“No!” He shouted and stood up. “Where is he? I want to talk to Sirius!” Lupin stood too, but slowly, like he was afraid Harry would try and hex him.

“Harry-”

“No, I want to talk to Sir-”

“You can't, Harry,” Lupin said, like it pained him to do so. Harry glared.

“Yeah? Why not? I-”

“Because-”

“Because, what?”

“Because he’s dead.” Harry felt like he had just been punched in his stomach; all his wind was knocked from him. He stumbled back. “Sirius is dead, Harry.”

All he could do was sit down and stare up at Remus… Harry thought maybe the man was waiting for something. Anger, or yelling, a fight, maybe even a breakdown… But Harry did nothing. There was nothing - no reaction at all. Instead, he was numb.

They stayed like that for as long as Harry could remember. Just waiting there, quietly, as if Sirius would walk through the door at any moment and tell them that they were mistaken. That he never had died.

But of course, that didn’t happen. And for a while, nothing did. Not until Harry found the will to speak.

“How,” he asked, like it took everything out of him. And it did. The room started swirling around him, but he sat motionless watching it all as if he were on a cheap carnival ride. The room spun so much that he got a headache, and felt light headed and all he wanted to do was sleep. But first he had to know. About Sirius, and about everything else.

“He was pushed,” Lupin said, still standing. “A few months ago, at the ministry, you were there too, but you just cant remember it. There was a battle, most of the order was there, including Ron, Hermione and a few other students. In the Department of Mysteries, there is an archway that connects the living to the dead… Bellatrix Lestrange pushed him through it…”

It took Harry a while to comprehend what exactly he was saying… At first, everything was just a bunch of words jumbled together, but Harry connected them to make sentences, much like a word puzzle. But no matter if he finished it, he didn’t win in the end.

“Harry?” Lupin asked after a while. The Gryffindor boy had been staring at his hands for well over two minutes. When addressed, he finally looked back up with tired eyes.

“Why?” Was all he could say. Lupin looked like he didn’t know how to respond.

“I… I don’t know, Harry. Bad things happen to the best of people, and Sirius didn’t deserve-”

“No,” Harry said firmly. That’s not what he meant. He didn’t ask to be preached to.

“I meant why did the battle even start? And what was I, and Ron and Hermione doing at the Ministry to begin with? And why couldn’t we just go in and pull him out? And-”

“Harry,” Lupin said. “You just cant go into the veil and come back out, or even through the other side. Its not like that… No one understands it, it’s a mystery. Believe me Harry, if there was a way to bring him back, we would, but there just isn’t…” Lupin didn’t go on. He finally sat back down slowly, and just watched Harry. Harry looked away.

“Well?”

“Well what,” Lupin asked.

“What about the other stuff? Why were we even there? Ron and Hermione and the others I mean? Who was there exactly anyway?” Lupin looked reluctant to answer, and Harry didn’t know why.

“Besides you three, Ginny, Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood were also there-”

“Who’s Luna Lovegood,” Harry asked.

“A girl you befriended in the beginning of the year-”

“In the beginning of… the year?” He repeated. Lupin seemed to have paled a bit, and the hairs on Harry’s arms stood up. Then he understood. He understood why Remus had been acting weird, how he kept asking things he already knew the answers too. Why his own face had matured, why the house had felt so empty. It had been an entire year that he forgot. A whole year. And all because he hit his head…

“A year, Remus? I’ve forgotten an entire year?” Harry was shouting at the end there, but he didn’t care. For some reason, it was just as hard to believe as Sirius dying, though saying it aloud help him to try and accept it. To try though. He couldn’t. Not now, and probably not ever.

“Harry,” Remus cut in. “We believe its only temporary-”

“You believe its only temporary? You mean you don’t know-”

“No, of course not. Nothing is certain, Harry. Not now anyway, but-”

“Well when will you know? What am I supposed to do when I go back to school? How will I be able to go to my 6th year when I cant even remember my 5th-”

“I don’t know, Harry,” Lupin stressed. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but we’ll think of something, Harry, I promise.” Harry nodded, which was all he could do. It wasn’t likely that Lupin, or the others were going to solve all his problems, but it was the most believable thing he had heard all morning. So, he nodded. He didn’t think he could argue with the man anymore. Harry cleared his throat before he went on to any more questions.

“You said this happened a few months ago,” Harry asked. Lupin silently nodded. “I was still at school when it happened? But why would I go to the Ministry anyway-”

“Speaking of the Ministry, you were cleared of all charges from the dementor incident last August, as you might have guessed,” Lupin said. Harry nodded, though he thought the interruption was unnecessary. If Lupin had said he was at school for a year, then obviously he wasn’t charged. But something in the way Lupin told him… wasn’t right. Harry realized that this wasn’t the first time the man had tried to avoid answering the question of why Harry had gone to the Department of Mysteries at all…

“Remus?” Harry asked. The man tensed, as if he knew what was coming. “What was I doing at the Ministry that night anyway?”

At first, Lupin looked like he was about to speak, then closed his mouth as if rewording the answer in his mind. He paled a bit, and stared at Harry for a while, but Harry was tired of this.

“Remus… why?”

“Harry… First, I want to tell you that it wasn’t your fault-”

“Wasn’t my fault,” Harry repeated, a trickily feeling running down his spine. “Please, Remus… Just tell me why!” For a while, Lupin stared at him, and then sighed, and then nodded. In that time, Harry was digging his fingernails into his palms. He knew what was coming, he just knew…

“Voldemort found his way into your mind that night,” he said slowly. “It had happened before too, only the first time he sent you a vision that saved Mr. Weasleys life. But that night… he sent you a vision that was fake. It was of Sirius being tortured. He wanted to lure you to the Department of Mysteries so you could retrieve something only could get, but the vision was fake. Sirius wasn’t there. We all came later though, when we heard that you were there-”

“No, Remus,” Harry said, feeling oddly scared for some reason. Of himself maybe. So much though that he started shaking and could barley get the words out. “No… It was my fault?”

“Harry, no, of course it wasn’t. Don’t think like that-”

“But… But I was the reason Sirius left in the first place, Remus. Me-”

“Harry, its not like that,” he interrupted. “They all told him not to go!”

“That doesn’t matter!” He shouted. “He went because of me! If I hadn’t-”

“Harry, listen to me. It wasn’t your fault! Sirius would have gone if it was anyone-”

“But he went because of me, Remus! Me-”

“Harry… drink this,” he said, and shoved a potions vial he had gotten from a drawer into his hands. Harry tried to uncork it, but his fingers were trembling too much. Lupin had to take it back and open it since he couldn’t, he even held it to Harry’s lips for him, which Harry would have thought was nice if he could think at all. The potion helped his shaking, but not his shock… It was his fault that Sirius had died.

Lupin helped Harry to sit down, then got both their glasses and went over to the tea kettle. Harry watched his every move in an attempt not to think about what he had just heard. First Lupin set their mugs on the counter and opened the pot. He went to go pour water in it, even though Harry knew there was enough water for at least three or four more servings of tea. Then he pretended to look around for some tea bags, and finally went into an adjoining room and shut the door behind him, probably the pantry, Harry guessed. But the weird thing was that the man took longer than Harry expected. Minutes, several minutes. At first, Harry was worried and started to get up and go after him, then he slowly sat back down in his chair, and thoughtfully stared at the door that Lupin was behind…

Harry felt awful. Just awful. Lupin said he wasn’t to blame… but he was only mollifying him, he knew. Because if it were the other way around, if Sirius had went to go save Lupin instead of Harry… Well, Harry knew he would hold Lupin at least a little bit responsible. He wouldn’t hate him… not really, but he would still hold it against him. But Sirius didn’t die because of Lupins mistake. He died because of Harry’s… And Harry only knew him for a few years… Lupin knew Sirius almost his entire life. He knew Lupin was probably hurting more… and probably blamed Harry because of it. And Harry was ok with it - he blamed himself too. It was his fault, no matter how much Lupin or anyone else tried to lie to him. Harry knew better.

Finally, Lupin returned, two tea bags in hand. He didn’t meet Harry’s eyes as he fixed their tea though.

“Would you like some biscuits with your tea, Harry?” Lupin asked, his back still turned as he was facing the counter where he was preparing their mugs. Harry shook his head, then realized that Lupin wouldn’t be able to hear that, so he opened his dry mouth.

“No… I think… I think I’ll just head up to my room,” he said. “I think I’ll have a nap,” he lied and stood up.

“Yes,” Lupin said. “Of course.” Harry was already to the door when Lupin called back after him.

“And Harry,” he said. Harry turned around, but Lupins back was still to him. “Happy Birthday.”