-II-

"You're trying to avoid my questions, Severus. Accidental magic at your age is very unusual, and the amount of magic you set free in that alley was even more unusual. Until now, I've only seen things like this happen if someone has repressed something for a long time and a traumatic event set those memories and feelings free. What did you suppress, Severus? What have you seen or experienced that made you lose control in the alley?"

"Nothing," Severus said quickly.

James looked thoughtfully at Severus for a moment. "Tell me who you would feel able to speak about it to."

"There is nothing to speak about. I'm all right. Nobody did this to me. Nobody..." He stopped, realizing that he had said too much, even though James had not moved a muscle and was looking as calm as before.

"Those memories and the feeling that is attached to it won't go away on their own. You need to talk about it."

"It was out of my mind for a long time. Talking about it will not make it better. It's only back because you all won't stop poking around."

"I have not been in that alley, Severus. Something else had brought that memory back up from wherever you had buried it in your mind."

-II-

"Hey, Paulus," Harry said and petted the cat's head when it hopped over to him on its three working legs, pulling the stiff one behind. The cat purred and rubbed his head on Harry's hand. First Harry had been scared to hurt the bad eye more when the cat rubbed himself so vigorously on his legs or hand, but now two weeks after Paulus had moved in with them, he was used to it. "Hey, Sev, Hamid is waiting for us at Hagrid's. Are you ready?"

Severus was pulling his thick Weasley sweater over his head. It was blue with a green S on the front. "I'm almost done. I was hoping to talk to Radgarid before we leave. Is he back?"

"I saw him in the living room with his nose in that old tomb he got by owl post yesterday. Shall I wait for you here or at Hagrid's?"

"Down at the hut. Here-" Severus scooped Paulus up and gave him to Harry. "Take Paulus with you. Hagrid wanted to check him over again. Maybe he and Poppy can remove the stitches from his eyes soon."

"Do you think he will be able to see with it again?"

Severus shrugged. "Who knows, but he gets along with only one eye quite well, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but two is better. What about you? You still look bad. What if they put you back in the clinic over Christmas? I don't want to be alone here again. Why don't you just tell them what they want to hear?"

"Because it's my head and my memories and my body. I know what's right." Severus became louder and glared at Harry.

"I would say your tactic isn't working, Sev. You aren't sleeping well lately, you wake up with nightmares, and you hardly eat. Please listen to me for once. They'll do something about it soon and I have a bad feeling it will involve you going to a clinic again until they find out what caused your magic to explode and what's making you feel so bad lately."

"I feel bad because they don't stop asking me about it. That's all. It's all their fault; not mine. As for my magic exploding, who cares why? All that counts is that it burned away my damaged channels and blew my new ones free. I can use my magic now almost as good as before. I just have to learn to measure the magic from my core. That's all. I'm already much better in classes, but does anybody see that? No. They just nag me about the why and what. I'm tired of it." He slammed the door on his way out, and Harry stood in the middle of the room, stroking Paulus to assure him that everything was all right. At least for Paulus it would be.

X-X

"Radgarid? Ehm... can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Radgarid said, looking up from his book.

"Ehm...somewhere else? Your room?"

Radgarid eyed Severus closely.

"I already promised you to start training you again. Only one more day to wait, Severus."

"It's not about that."

Radgarid stood up and gestured Severus to follow him. After stepping into Radgarid's room, Severus closed the door and waved his wand to put a Silencing Spell up.

"So what's so important and secret?" Radgarid moved a chair close to Severus and sat down on one opposite to Severus.

"You must promise not to tell Poppy and Alastor."

Radgarid snorted. "First, I will not promise something like that. They are your parents now, and if I think it is important for them to know, I will tell them. Second, you should be careful how to phrase you conditions next time. I could have easily agreed to it and then I could have gone to Albus or Minerva and just ask them to tell Alastor and Poppy. So stop the tactical play and tell me what's wrong."

Severus sighed and looked down. He had no chance against Radgarid. The man knew almost everything and could read him like a book. He was even worse than Alastor and Albus. "But if you tell them, they will tell Maria and James, and then I won't be home for Christmas, and-"

Radgarid held his hand up, and Severus stopped. "That's too fast for me, Severus. Let me see what I caught. You are worried that what you tell me about will concern your parents and your Healer so much to send you away. To a clinic, I presume, and you fear it would be bad enough to keep you away long enough to miss Christmas here. Was that right?"

Severus was pale and he looked fearfully at Radgarid. Maybe this was a bad idea. "Ehm...I forgot I need to meet Harry. I have to go." He stood up, but a hand around his wrist pulled him back in his chair.

"You will stay, Severus. You started it, and now you will bring it to an end. What did you want to tell me?"

"I wanted to ask you for something," Severus muttered.

"And that would have been?"

Severus breathed in deeply. "A few months ago, you put some of my memories far away in my mind, right?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, ehm...could you maybe put some others away for me?"

"Memories of your adult self?"

"Ehm...no." Severus cautiously looked up and saw Radgarid looking seriously at him.

"Are you referring to those memories your Healers have been trying to get you to speak about lately?"

Severus gulped. He had hoped Radgarid had not gotten wind of it by now, but it seems nothing could stay secret in these quarters.

"Severus, look at me." Radgarid lifted Severus' chin, and he had no other choice but to look at the old man. "Placing those memories somewhere deep into your mind would not solve your problems. Most likely there are more memories connected to it, and playing around with a mind like that is dangerous. You could go insane and do things you don't want to do. Maybe someday something like in the alley will happen again, and not even my or Albus' locks on a door in your mind will be able to hold it. It will burst open, and in the worst case, you could go insane."

"But you put all my adult memories away."

"Temporarily, Severus. We put them away because your young mind was overwhelmed. We will release them one by one later when you are adult. If you want to remember them, you still can, Severus. You know that. They will just not contain feeling."

"But that's good. That what I need for these other memories as well. I can stand the pictures but..."

"But?"

"It doesn't help talking about it. I swear. I know it. I was okay when I could practice Occlumency."

"Do you have any idea what could have happened in that alley? Remember, you weren't alone. Harry was with you. What if your magic had lashed out at him? What if you had hurt him or even killed him? That magic burst was huge, Severus. At the moment, you still receive regular magic feeds from powerful wizards and witches. No block I set to blur those memories could withstand a trigger like that. You must have felt the same feeling in your traumatic experience as you felt at that moment, or you must have transferred your feelings to another person or...animal, Severus. This combination made your magic react. Nothing could have stopped it besides a good talk about those feelings and experiences in the first place. Putting them away only turns them into ticking time bombs."

Severus looked desperately at Radgarid, slowly realizing what the old man was saying.

"All in all, everyone has a good guess regarding what triggered that outburst, Severus. Your former childhood had never been revealed completely. You must have been a good actor for a long time and pushed people away from you as a teen and an adult, but even so, some pieces were revealed in the past and gave us enough to guess and make our conclusions. And those who are trained to help people with such problems would even have found out much more, I guess. I don't have to be a Healer to see that you have not been sleeping well lately, that you snap at Harry much more than usual, and that you try to avoid your parents. You even shy away from their touches lately. That's not normal, Severus. You are making your life harder. Talking about it would help. I know you don't see it like that, but believe me, I have much more life experience than you, and your Healers have much more experience with traumatic childhoods and triggers and patients like you. If so many people think it would help to talk about it, why don't you give it a try?"

Severus was silent for a moment, but then he whispered, "Because it hurts."

"I know, but that's how life sometimes is. You got your magic back from that experience in the alley. That was the good part of it, but I'm quite sure you can handle the bad part as well. When is your next meeting with your Healers?"

"This evening. But I can't. I really can't. It's too awful. I don't want to think about it."

"But it is right here, Severus." Radgarid tapped with his finger against Severus' forehead. "It won't go away when it's trapped inside. It will hunt you down at night and during the day. It's a wonder it doesn't bother you anytime you look at your cat."

"It does," Severus mumbled.

"But you still kept him and treat him very well. That shows what a good character you have, Severus. You are a very good boy."

Severus' throat tightened. How much had he wished to hear something like this from his biological father? He had done everything for him. Even hated his magic and tried to ignore it. Never had he been able to do anything right. Even knowing that Tobias Snape was already dead for some time, Severus still wished he would have found a way to please his father. "I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Ask your parents. And I mean those who you can really call your parents, Severus."

Severus bit his bottom lip.

"What could make it easier for you to speak about it with your Healers?"

Severus shrugged.

"Please try to think about it."

"I...Poppy and Alastor already know some of what happened...back then."

"So?"

Severus sighed. "I don't know. I really don't want to talk about it. Why can't they just look into my head and be over with it?"

"I already told you that we all have a good idea of what happened, and your Healers may even know more than we do. We don't want to know about what happen or want to look in your head for it; we want to help you. And only talking about it and your feelings concerning it will help. You wouldn't do this for us but for yourself, Severus. You will see the nightmares will decrease and your appetite will come back. At least to the amount it had been before that day in Hogsmeade." Radgarid smiled at Severus. "Maybe it would help if Poppy and Alastor were around when you talk with James and Maria?"

"What if they don't want me anymore after?"

"Severus, look me straight in the eye and tell me if you really meant what you just asked. Do you really think Alastor and Poppy would love you less? You lived with them as an adult; they knew part of your childhood and I assume most of your adult life. They even knew about your Death Eater activities back when you were still loyal to that mad man. Still, they took you in, and still they learned to love you as their son. Aren't I right?"

Severus nodded.

Radgarid looked at his watch. "Your parents should be in the staff room right now. I will Firecall them and ask them to join us-"

"No!" Severus exclaimed, shocked, and tried to hold Radgarid back.

"I thought we were coming to an agreement, Severus? There is no other way. You need to talk about it, or I fear you really are right about your assumption that you won't be around for Christmas."

Severus let his head sink and then his hand. Around five minutes later, Poppy and Alastor were sitting close to him, and the four chairs built a circle.

"What's going on?" Alastor asked, worried.

Severus let his shoulder sink even lower. He had hoped Radgarid had already explained the situation to them.

"Severus would like to talk with you about something and wanted to ask you something. Right, Severus?"

His hands in his lap were suddenly very interesting for Severus.

"Severus, what's wrong? Are you feeling worse?" Poppy asked, and Severus knew she fought hard not to draw her wand to cast a Diagnostic Spell.

"I'm fi..." Severus sighed. "I...I have nightmares of...of something. I want them to stop." When nobody said anything, Severus went on. "You all say I have to talk about what triggered the blow in the alley, but I don't want to. I just want it to go away again."

"Severus," Poppy said softly and took his hand. "The memory won't just go away. You need to talk about it."

"But I already told you once about...I...he..."

"Severus, calm down. Please breathe," Poppy said and knelt down in front of him.

Severus made out more movement in the room, but at the moment he was too occupied with getting air into his lungs to wonder about it. A hand was placed on his chest and his forehead and he was pulled backwards against a warm, soft womanly chest. At that moment, he knew they had called Maria. When more magic flowed into him through his hands, he knew that James was called as well and was now running a diagnostic scan.

Ten minutes later, he was a shaking mess in Poppy's arms as he spilled out all his horrible memories about his father. Radgarid had left the room when they had settled down to talk and Severus was grateful for that. Four people were more than enough of an audience to see what a weak freak he was. Something had to be seriously wrong with him for his father to behave like that. He must be bad, why else would he have chosen to become a Death Eater?

"But you regained your place on the Light side after much effort, Severus. That shows the real Severus Snape. Now I'm damn proud of you. You are a good boy, and you had been a good man. All in all, you are a wonderful son, Severus. Your biological father was an idiot, and if he were still alive, I-"

"Alastor!" Poppy said warningly, but Severus felt so much better after Alastor's words.

"What he wants to say is that you are a normal teenager, Severus. We love you like you are. Sometimes you can be very grumpy, but that a part of your character, and we love you no matter what," Poppy added.

"But you punish me much more often than Harry. Something must be wrong with me."

"We punish you more than Harry because you never know when to quit and Harry can control himself much better. That's why Harry gets in more trouble for not being home in time or being careless and getting himself in danger. You are two different people, Severus. Do you ever see Alastor running confused through the quarters because he is looking for something he can't remember where he placed?"

Severus looked up confused. "No, but-"

"Let me finish, Severus. As a child, I often got in trouble with my parents for loosing things or misplacing them. Alastor never got in trouble for something like that. Still, he got in trouble for other things. He had a habit of doing dangerous things or talking back. Everyone is different, but that doesn't make one person more different or freakish. You and Harry have different characteristics and therefore always will be treated different. We choose the punishment to fit the crime. While Harry hates to have an early bedtime, you hate to be put in a corner to think about your crime. That doesn't make you worse than Harry. You both are very good boys. If you never got in trouble, we would worry because that would abnormal. Boys your age get into trouble for things like that. What your father did and said was wrong. You aren't bad, Severus. Sometimes you do bad things, but you are not bad."

"Will the nightmares go away now?" Severus asked hopefully.

Poppy sighed. "I fear it isn't so easy. The best way to get rid of them is to call us when you have one and talk about it immediately or at least the next day. We need to see what works best. Do you think you could try?"

Severus nodded. He wanted o get rid of the nightmares, and if that was the only way, he would try it.