Charity and Poppy emerged from the Order’s Surrey ‘safe-house’, self-consciously adjusting their Police uniforms.

“You look good in a suit, Sev.” Chuckled Poppy, beholding Severus’ expertly tailored tweed suit, complete with leather patches on the elbows.

“That’s DI Snape to you, P.C. Pomfrey.”

Charity laughed and transfigured the Bentley into a Police car, complete with flashing blue lights and siren.

As Salazar Slytherin wrote “Yif they bey prod of beying Godd-fering, lorefulle folke, lette alles beyholde ays thye brynngeth thee khyrch und thee kyngs menne unto thyme.”

Severus Snape was going to give the neighbours of ‘law-abiding’, ‘God-fearing’ Petunia Dursley the show of their lives.

oOoOo

Charity, who had drawn the short straw, stood outside 4 Privet Drive, by the police car. Concerned neighbours approached her, fearing bad news for “poor Mrs Dursley”.

They were yet more delighted when Charity tersely replied “There’s been no accident that I’ve heard of. Move along now, please, ladies and gentlemen.”

Several law-abiding citizens returned to their houses. Several pristine net curtains twitched in several neat, tidy houses. Several pairs of eyes lit up with glee as Mrs Dursley- who would have thought of it? She seemed so normal, so respectable- was led to the Police car in handcuffs.

When Dudley Dursley returned home at nine, Mrs Alsopp, kindly soul that she was, called round with a plate of hot dinner for him- no trouble, she always cooked more than she needed for her husband and herself.

Dudley invited her in and she was treated to a tale of neglect so deliciously, juicily scandalous that it beat anything in the gossip mags. Petunia Dursley, who they all thought was one of them, was as unnatural as any woman who ever walked the earth. She had neglected her nephew shamefully. Starved him, beat him, used him as a skivvy- young as he was- and locked him, actually locked him, a child, in the cupboard under the stairs! It were only a little cupboard and all, unfit for a even dog!

Dudley- he wasn’t a bright boy but his heart was in the right place- was thoroughly disgusted with his mother: he said that a woman who could treat a child as she did his brother- bless him- was no family of his. And that Vernon- God rest his soul- he hadn’t known what that deceitful cow was doing or he wouldn’t have stood for it. But poor Harry and Dudley were too scared to even squeak: Petunia'd poured bleach down Harry’s throat once, when he threatened to go to the law. No wonder the boys were scared of the evil wretch.

At the ‘Golden Lion’ that night, Mrs Alsopp, Mrs Polkiss, Ms Jones and the Misses Drakes were amazed and gratified to learn that they all suspected something amiss about the Dursley situation. “Would a young hooligan- as the unnatural cow had styled her nephew- have worked on the flowerbeds all of a Saturday morning and washed the outside windows and the car every Sunday?” asked Mrs Jones. The ladies were delighted to discover that they had all wondered, at one point or another, why it was always Harry- and Harry alone- seen doing the chores. Poor little orphan. To use her sister’s son, her own flesh and blood, in such a manner. Well, it was awful, weren’t it?

And the ladies, each and every one of them, had noticed the poor boys’ thinness; obviously not getting enough to eat, the poor lad. She beat him too- her son said so. It must be such a relief for poor young Dudley, commented Mrs Polkiss, having his wicked mother was behind bars. She threatened to dose him with bleach, like she did with Harry. Oh, yes, that was no accident. Awful how she duped so many people, her own husband included.

All in all, it was criminal how many people missed the signs. After all, as Miss Janice Drake observed, there was that thing in Mrs Dursley’s eyes… Well, none of them had liked her and it were just a shame that they were all too afraid of judging harshly, of seeing harm where there was none, or the evil woman would have been locked up long ago.

OoOoO

At the Surrey safe house, Severus pondered. Petunia loved- as much as such a woman could love- her son and highly valued her reputation. These were what the blasted woman cherished most and Severus had done his level best to deprive her of both, hopefully causing no small amount of misery. However, it felt insufficient to simply to make her a pariah: after all, Petunia could always move away and, possibly, even find another man short-sighted enough marry her and father her children. It felt appropriate that her punishment should be of a more permanent and inescapable nature.

Severus leafed through “Thee Dutie of Thee Basilysk”. He had always enjoyed reading the section entitled “Onne Uynatturel Harpyes.” Salazar Slytherin had a truly unique, albeit dark sense of humour. He liked the punishment to fit the crime.

In this chapter there were three levels of offence; ‘Imyperfect und neglygnt dyschage of dutie (neglect), ‘Unkyndlinesse’ (abuse), and ‘Uynatturel Beyhaviyr’ (serious abuse). Although Petunia Dursleys behaviour certainly slotted into the third section, most of those spells were designed to kill or seriously maim and 1. Petunia Dursley did not deserve the kindly embrace of death and 2. if Severus maimed her, Dumbledore would be difficult.

Therefore, the spells designed to punish ‘Unkyndlinesse’ would have to do. However, this section did contain some lovely, imaginative little jinxes, hexes and curses so, really, it was no hardship- for him at least. For example, Salazar was strongly of the belief that a woman who abused or consented to the abuse of children should bear none of her own. However, to simply strike such a creature with infertility was a more suitable punishment for a neglectful mother or guardian; one who actually caused or encouraged harm to children deserved to be made barren in a somewhat more… inventive manner.

“Unkyndlie wyfes maye be accyrsd wyith thee cyrse of Eeyve, soes thyre mensys be purpetyal and eyverlaysting, brynyng greet shayme unto theyme ays thee Byble sayth thayt, ayt thee tyme whyn a wyfe bleedeth, shye bey unkleyn.”

Although society- thank the Gods- no longer considered women to be ‘unclean’ during their period, Severus thought that this spell had stood the test of time rather well; it still equated to permanent infertility and a perpetual bleed was both embarrassing and inconvenient. Especially for prissy women like Petunia.

Inspiration struck. Ah, yes, the ‘personal hygiene’ spells. Salazar had a rather comprehensive array of jinxes which were designed to make one just as beautiful on the outside as one was within.

Severus flicked to the ‘Iymperfct dyschage’ section. Here it was; the ‘vermyn of thee quent’ or, as someone had thoughtfully annotated, ‘pubic lice’ curse. (The annotation was in the same hand as the little note under the frontispiece: ‘If you cannot understand Professor Slytherin’s description of the spell’s effects, do not cast the spell on yourself. It is better to shew your ignorance to the librarian than to shew your privies to the Healer!”)

Then there was another hex for ‘laynk und fowyl hair’ and one which caused, in the writers own words, ‘breythe ays fowyl und ryank ays thee mydden yn sommer.’

Severus Snape smiled and twirled his wand between his fingers, hexing Petunia bald was so 1972.

OoOoO

“You can’t leave me here with that monster! I’d rather throw my lot in with you wizards!” Growled Dudley to Severus, who- having returned Petunia to Privet drive- was standing back, enjoying the show.

“Dudders! Please! You can’t mean that!” bawled Petunia.

Dudley turned and looked at her, disgust narrowing his piggy eyes to slits. “You disgust me.”

“Dudders!”

“Mr. Dursley, we can, should you so wish, remove you into the custody of a Mrs. Figg, she is a squib, by which I mean…”

“Dudley! You can’t be serious! You don’t want to go with those freaks. I’m your mother! You love me!”

“As far as I’m concerned, you’re the freak.” Spat Dudley. “I don’t care where I go, as long as it’s not here.”

“Very well young man. Show me to your room and I’ll help you to pack your belongings.”

“Don’t go with him Dudders. He’s a… he’s a paedophile.” Petunia shrieked.

Petunia should have been grateful that Severus limited himself to just cursing off her lying tongue.