Severus rolled his eyes. It had been only six days since Potter left, and Severus had just gotten an owl from him. He opened the scroll and skimmed through the short letter - a missive, really. He noticed Demosthenes looking at him expectantly. He read aloud.

 Jaipur, India, August 3rd                            

Dear Sir, 

No Jarveys yet. India is great, Jaipur is the most unbelievable town ever. Leaving for Nepal tomorrow as I have heard rumour about a colony (!!!) of Jarveys in the National Park Shey Phoksundo (not sure about the spelling). 

Sincerely, 

Harry  

***  °°°   ***

Over two weeks later, another letter of Potter's arrived. Before Severus managed to feed the owl a piece of bacon - it was breakfast time - Demosthenes rushed into the room with the most expectant expression that a Jarvey's face could wear. Severus wondered how his pet knew the owl was from Potter. He had gotten at least dozen owls since Potter's last letter and Demosthenes had never shown any interest in them.

 Tulsipur, Nepal, August 19th 

Dear Sir, 

It turned out that there is no regular colony of Jarveys in Shey Phoksundo park. They are said to come there once a year for a few days (to breed?) and they leave again - wherever, nobody knows. Drat. I spoke with many natives and each one of them claims different time when the Jarveys were there for the last time! What the hell is it that makes them fail to notice a date? Anyway. It seems it is not even a half a year since the Jarveys were there for the last time, so I guessed there was no point to wait there for another half a year. I can always get back here in a few months. 

Sincerely, 

Harry 

***  °°°   ***

This time it took nearly two weeks before Potter let them know about his progress - or lack thereof. Again, Demosthenes seemed to know beforehand that it had been Potter who sent the owl. Severus was getting curious. Maybe Jarveys' sense of smell was underrated? Or were they telepathic?

 Paro, Bhutan, October 13th 

Dear Sir, 

I was travelling in circles, or a growing spiral more precisely, with the Park as a centre dot. I reckoned that if Jarveys keep meeting there, they have to get there somehow and also back again, in groups or alone. I travelled in spiral and asked around. Nothing. Drat. I'm going back to India if I get another tip. 

Sincerely,

Harry

PS. Travelling is great. I love it. The food is a daily surprise!   

***  °°°   ***

Severus was just brewing when he heard a loud sequence of dirty words. From what he could hear and understand, an owl ('fucking night-y chicken') came and didn't want to give its letter to Demosthenes ('will make a stinky barbecue if you won't get me the bloody thing'). Severus quickly put the concoction under a stasis spell and rushed upstairs.

Demosthenes was holding the letter victoriously, and the bird was nowhere to be seen - only a few black feathers were lying on the ground.

Severus raised his hand towards his pet. The Jarvey gave him the letter and sat down on his hind legs.

 Jaipur, India, October 30th 

Dear Sir, 

Still nothing. I was following a trail - numerous Indian people told me about loud swearing in different voices near to Sambhar Lake (not far from Jaipur) - but  it showed up that they were just some crazy bunch of American hippies swearing like... well, like Jarveys. Haha, now that I think about it, it is actually pretty funny. The lake is great too. 

I realised - would a Jarvey in India swear in English or Indian? Could you check with Demosthenes? Say 'Hi' to him from me, too, please. 

Sincerely,

Harry

PS. Hermione will join me on my travels! She will pay her expenses, though, don't worry. I bet that with her I will have much better chances to find a female Jarvey (or any Jarvey!! really). 

***  °°°   ***

 When the next letter came, Demosthenes was chasing the magically handicapped gnome again. The two of them had become something akin to friends now. Demosthenes had been feeding the gnome chocolate, trying to fatten it up so that it couldn't ran too fast - as he explained to his human. Severus' respect for Jarveys had grown again.

  Anjar, India, November 13th 

Dear Sir, 

Thanks for your letter. Jarveys are really interesting, aren't they? Does that mean that if we find a female Jarvey in India and bring it to England, she will learn English dirty words fast and the rest of English later; whilst Demosthenes will still speak English but he's gonna learn Indian swear words? Haha.  

We actually found a Jarvey here!

Hermione had an idea to put an advertisement into the Indian Magical papers, and an old woman responded. Unfortunately, she had a male Jarvey. (Hermione had put 'a Jarvey' not 'a female Jarvey' request into the papers, as she had said it was strategic). The woman wants to sell her Jarvey, quite cheaply too, as she desperately needs money. Write me if you want to buy him asap, please. Hermione thinks you should, because I said that the Jarvey was so thin in comparison to Demosthenes. I guess the owner is really poor. 

Sincerely,

Harry  

PS. Travelling with Hermione is fun. She keeps poking at every meal as if she expects it to jump into her face. I made a joke about bacteria and the fact that they cannot jump. Since that Hermione eats only bananas and tangerines.   

Severus finished reading, and Demosthenes was still nowhere to be seen. Severus decided that there was no telepathy sense in Jarveys after all. It was his familiar's nose that told Demosthenes which letter was from Harry and which was not.

This theory of Severus' got confirmed soon. Demosthenes came back inside, in a great mood after his run with the gnome. Between the door frames, he stopped short, sniffling.

"Holy fuck! A new letter!" he enthused, "What is the brat writing?"

Severus read the letter aloud, every now and then being interrupted by his familiar's exclamations.

"Bring the bloody wanker Jarvey here," Demosthenes said, to Severus' surprise. "But if he thinks he can play with my pet gnome, he's fucking as wrong as an ostrich buggering a hedgehog!"

"Aren't you rather afraid that you will have a rival in him?"  Severus couldn't help but asking. "If Potter find the female, that is."

"He can fucking wait," Demosthenes answered smugly and left to the kitchen to have a snack from his food bowl, leaving puzzled Severus behind.

***  °°°   ***

 Anjar, India, November 15th 

Dear Sir, 

We bought the Jarvey (Akala) for you and are shipping him immediately - the Muggle way - so you can expect him in a week or ten days. Hermione masked Akala with a few illusion charms, so that he looks like a bare, old dog now (she said that in this form nobody is going to steal him, hopefully). The old woman was excited to get money, but it didn't stop her from stealing food from Hermione's backpack! So Hermione is now a bit on a suspicious side, you see. 

Hermione managed to get a few pieces of information out of Akala using an interpreter charm (I knew she would be dead useful!); so we have new tips for our search. If he learns English soon, he might be able to give us more tips.  

Sincerely,

Harry   

***  °°°   ***

The next letter came only one week after the box with the new Jarvey - who was, to Severus' astonishment swearing in six different languages; courtesy of international crew on the ship.

 Hyderabad, India, December 15th 

Dear Sir, 

We haven't been successful yet. No more reactions to the advertisement, and no new clues. We travelled through Anantapur, Nagpur, Raipur and all other purs that you can imagine and nothing. I think we should move to some other country, we just have to figure out which country. 

Sincerely,

Harry 

PS. We don't have a place yet to stay for Christmas; we decided to go to England for that time - if for no reason other than Hermione is looking really thin.  Can we stay with you, please? We don't want to go to the Burrow, because I don't really want to see Ginny, and Hermione wants to avoid Ron who keeps sending her letters to try and get her back, even though she left him months ago!  

***  °°°   ***

Potter and Granger showed up in the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Potter had even let Severus know beforehand this time - courtesy of spending time with Granger, no doubt.

Severus had made effort to make his house feel "Christmas-y". It wasn't hard, really. His house - he had moved out from Spinner's End years ago - was surrounded by pine-trees; Severus spelled snow on the branches, and added slices of orange and small red apples for birds on them. Inside Severus limited Christmas to two big red-and-green stripped stocking socks, full of treats for Demosthenes and Akala, hung above the fireplace, as well as some mistletoe and a smell of cinnamon. That would have to do, he decided. If the two Gryffindors didn't like it, they could move in with the Weasleys!

Granger and Potter were tanned by the Indian sun, which undoubtedly just underlined Snape's own paleness. Granger was really appallingly thin after her tangerine and bananas diet. Apart from that, the two were just the same as Severus remembered.

Granger kept on and on about various aspects of Indian lifestyle, customs, culture, history. . . Potter let her drone and helped himself double or triple helpings of every dish. So much about Indian food, Snape thought amusedly.

Demosthenes and Akala stepped into her monologue from time to time, their comments typically spiked with both English and Indian profanities - which made Granger blush every time, to Severus' amusement.

Severus himself kept silent. He found he was rather enjoying having company. Also, some of the facts about India were interesting, he had to admit.

"What are your plans next?" Severus asked after the dinner, when they moved to the living-room to have a coffee. "Are you going back to India after Christmas?"

"I'm bored with India," Potter said morosely. "I wonder if there are any Jarveys at all."

"And I am a fucking holy cow, or what, you idiot?" Akala said, and made a rude gesture at Potter. Severus had to admit that the Jarvey had a point.

"Well, you're not in India now, are you?" Potter shot back, peeved. Gryffindor logic!

Granger stepped in before the 'discussion' became too heated. "We, Harry and I, were thinking to look in London's Wizarding Library if we get tips for other states, or even continents, Professor." She explained. "We can always return to Nepal to the assumed meeting place of Jarveys in the Shey Phoksundo park later."

"Sure, 'cause we can fucking wait for our pussy forever, you bitch!" Demosthenes complained.

Granger choked on her coffee. Severus was shocked speechless, but at least he managed to keep his poker face. Let it to Jarveys to be promiscuous.

For Potter, this nuance has gone unnoticed and he shouted, "Don't talk to Hermione like that!"  A dumb white knight in shining armour. Severus rolled his eyes.

"Our?" Granger sputtered. "Our?!"

"Granger, they talk, but they are still animals," Severus tried to placate her, before the Jarveys got a lecture on propriety, that he, Severus, would have to hear out as well.

"You are fucking animals too," Demosthenes pointed out, quite logically.

"Actually, you are right," Granger agreed, to Severus' surprise, "humans' origins are the same as of other animals. Also, there are a few communities where two men share a woman. More often more women share a man, though. Not in the modern, civilised world, though." *

"We don't share, you cumslut," Akala protested.

The next five minutes there was chaos. A very loud chaos. Potter was scolding and insulting the Jarveys, Akala was shouting profanities at him, whilst Hermione and Demosthenes tried to lead conversation about Jarveys' sexual habits. All at the same time.

Severus could feel a headache forming. He just loved Christmas.

"Silence!" he bellowed in his 'classroom' voice. The sudden silence was nearly deafening.

"Thank you," Severus continued, "now; Demosthenes, tell us anything useful about Jarveys that will help Granger and Potter to find you a female Jarvey. Keep the profanities at minimum, if you will. Everyone else stays silent," he finished, giving a cold glare to Potter and Akala.

Demosthenes' speech was not profanity-free - really, the Jarvey could not help it, it was in his nature - it was, however, very illuminating. Severus felt like idiot for not asking for tips in the beginning of the search. It should have occurred to him that nobody knew Jarveys better than Jarveys themselves.

"Why the hell didn't you tell us before?!" Potter exclaimed indignantly.

"You didn't ask, dumbass," Demosthenes answered him. Severus could tell his familiar was feeling mischievous. "What could 'only an animal' tell you fucking mighty humans?"

Severus smirked. It seemed that his sarcasm had started rubbing off on his familiar.

"Well, you can fucking wait for your 'pussy' if you are such an ass!" Potter snapped, all worked up.

"Harry!" Granger cried, scandalised, whilst Demosthenes' expression turned glum as the realisation set that Potter was right. It apparently hadn't occurred to the Jarvey that his stunt had been a double-edged sword. So much for Jarveys' sense of cunning, Severus thought.

"What, Hermione, we were seeking high and low and this - - this Jarvey didn't feel like mentioning we need saffron in honey to lure in a female Jarvey." Potter whined.

"He fucking told you now, so find us a busty babe chop chop, dumbass!" Akala hurried to help Demosthenes.

Potter only sputtered indignantly. Severus felt like laughing.

"It's getting late," he commented. "Your rooms are upstairs on the left side. Sleep well."

A quarter of hour later, Severus was lying in his bed, trying to concentrate on his novel. Reading couldn't keep his attention tonight, though. His thoughts wandered back to the Jarveys and their mating habits. Apparently, a female had only one partner, but she changed him for another one, as soon as pups were born.

 "We don't fucking wanna degenerate, do we?" Demosthenes explained in plain English. 

The other male would serve as an 'uncle' to the Jarvey pups. Demosthenes was sure he was going to be the first partner to the female; his main triumph was his private, trained gnome. From Akala's glum expression Severus gathered that he as well considered a trained gnome irresistible for a Jarvey female. Akala seemed to be satisfied enough with his position of first partner in waiting.

 "No more bringing other wankers, I tell you!" Akala ordered Potter and Granger. 

Severus shook his head. Maybe he could write a book on Jarveys. It would be a bestseller. Especially among teenagers.

     * Before you point out that "civilised" is a relative word, and that monogamy is not the only right way, I want to remind you that this is Hermione's opinion (or my fanfic Hermione's opinion). You keep your opinions :)