“I am sorry, Albus,” Severus said without feeling sorry in a slightest, and his voice conveyed it clearly. If anything, he sounded gleeful. “I absolutely cannot keep Demosthenes shut in my quarters alone, all day, every day. That would be very inhuman, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, Albus!” Minerva joined in, the undertone of amusement in her voice giving her away. “I can’t believe you’re suggesting that Severus would treat his new familiar so cruelly.”

Severus could see smug sparkle in her eyes. He knew that, in the dispute about his leaving his teaching position, Minerva had been on his side from the beginning.

Minerva continued, “We will simply have to warn the students most seriously that there will be no rude remarks or profanities, or else.” Now she even went as far as to wink at Severus. He decided that he was going to buy her the biggest bottle of Scotch whiskey on the market.

“It wouldn’t be enough, and you know it,” Albus answered her moodily. Then, with an unbecomingly petulant expression, the old wizard admonished the younger one, “This is a low way of forcing me to release you from the contract, Severus. I am most disappointed with you. And to think what I did for you in the past...”

“Voldemort is gone and Severus has the right to live his life freely,” Minerva said sharply. “He more than paid you back for your help after Voldemort’s first demise, and you know it. Don’t you dare to imply otherwise.”

“If you could prepare the necessary paperwork as soon as possible, Albus, I would be most grateful.” Severus nodded at his employer coldly. “Minerva, will you join me for a glass of something strong? Demosthenes has taken special liking to you.”

Together they left Albus to stew in his own grease.

At first, Severus had wanted to end his teaching career by the end of the school year – so that Albus would have had enough time to find another Potions master. However, after Albus´ refusal, peppered with accusations and emotional blackmail, Severus had no scruples about leaving immediately.

“Until today, I have apparently underestimated the true extent of Slytherin cunning,” Minerva laughed. “What a pet you bought yourself to get out of here!”

“As flattering as it is, I cannot accept the praise.” Severus smirked at her. “I got the animal from Potter.”

He had never seen Minerva so gobsmacked. He laughed. A pair of third years boys started at the sound, exchanged a panicked look, and hurried away. Severus laughed again. Really, during the last three days he had laughed more than during the last two decades. Or ever.

“I will share the whole story over a glass of cognac,” he promised his older colleague.

  Potter approached him the day after the celebration party.  

“It’s good to be free.” The boy beamed at Severus. “I came to thank you for all your help. I wanted to catch you at the party, but you had left before I could shake off the Ministry officials and reporters.” Potter shuddered with distaste; partly real, partly faked.

Overdramatic Gryffindors! 

The boy continued, “I know you don’t like me, but your work helped to get me free from the stupid prophecy and the madman, and I am grateful.” Severus had to grant the boy – a young man now, really – that he seemed sincere.  

“Well, I am not free, Potter, I am stuck here for another four years to teach brats and idiots,” Severus informed him bitterly, “so go and celebrate elsewhere!” 

“I know.” Potter frowned. “I heard the row.”  

Everyone at the party had to have heard  it, Severus knew. He had become really winded while he was screaming bloody murder at Albus, the ungrateful bastard. 

“I promise I will get you out of here.” Potter told him sincerely. He got a doubtful snort as an answer. 

“Really, you have my word,” the boy insisted. “You will be free even if I had to persuade Hermione to take your job.”  Well, that was an idea, Severus thought. Granger would graduate in June and if she agreed... Yes, there was a chance in that. 

“Give me a couple of days and I’ll think of something,” with that, Potter left. 

Six days later, he came back. With an animal. Severus was shocked speechless. Till this day, Severus didn’t know how he had managed to postpone his laughing fit until Potter had left. Really, Minerva had been right about the boy in one thing at least – Potter was nothing if not resourceful.  

“Master of Speech,” Severus said his password.

“He is, isn’t he?” the Salazar Slytherin’s portrait guarding Severus’ quarters replied, smirking.

Demosthenes was already waiting behind the door when Severus and Minerva came in.

“Crappy master!” the Jarvey greeted him. “It took you a fucking long time to get back to these bloody rooms. Not one fucking gnome to chase here.”

“Don’t worry, Demosthenes,” Severus scratched the ferret-like creature’s head, “soon, we are going to have a freaking great holiday in a damn great gnome territory.”

“Who would believe that you would become so soft?” the annoying boy – well, man now – laughed at Severus. What cheek!

“Excuse me?” Severus asked stonily. After six years of correspondence, Potter had showed up all of sudden on Severus’ doorstep. He took Potter in, prepared tea for him, and now the whelp had the audacity to be offensive!

“Come on, sir. Anyone would recognise that the gnome was cursed with a tripping hex.” The brat kept grinning, his eyes still on the Jarvey who was having a hard time keeping up with the gnome, even if it was tripping and falling repeatedly.

Severus cleared his throat. Damn. How could he have known that Potter would show up today? He had started to tamper with the gnomes in the garden lately because he didn’t like seeing his pet so grumpy and frustrated. Or worse, embarrassed and resigned.

“Demosthenes is not getting any younger,” Severus opted for a half non-committal answer, and changed the subject. “I suppose you came here for a reason?”

“Yeah.” Potter nodded but showed no inclination of being about to share the purpose of his visit.

“Well?” Severus prompted after a few minutes – in which Potter had refilled his teacup and added unbelievable amount of milk and sugar.

“I need to find another job,” Potter answered evasively.

“I hope you don’t suggest I take you as an apprentice,” Severus said. The idea alone left him horrified. From Potter’s expression he could read the feeling was mutual. Thank God.

“Of course not! No offense, but I think we’ve gotten along much better since I dropped Potions.” Potter gave him a slightly crooked smile. Severus didn’t bother to remind his former student that he hadn’t dropped Severus’ class; he hadn’t been accepted into the Advanced classes after his NEWTs.

“How could I assist you in finding a job, then? Your fame isn’t enough anymore?” Severus asked; the insult formed out of pure habit. Potter pouted.

They watched in silence as Demosthenes finally caught the poor gnome and after a verbal trashing – thankfully they could only see his snout moving and couldn’t hear the flow of dirty words – the Jarvey let him go.

“Why don't Jarveys eat gnomes anyway? I mean- Why do they chase them if they won’t kill them?” Potter wondered idly. Severus sighed.

“Feel free to ask Demosthenes,” he answered. “Before he gets back, though,” – the Jarvey was currently lying on his back, lazing around after the exertion  – “finally say why you have come here.”

Now it was Potter's turn to sigh.

“Er... You know how I wrote you about some troubles with Ginny?” the boy said, continuing to beat around the bush.

Severus simply nodded. He indeed did remember more and more Potter's hints that the relationship was no longer working. Severus felt proud he hadn't told the boy 'I told you so'. Potter and Ginevra Weasley were so obviously not made for each other. Severus never understood how Potter could miss such an apparent thing. Gryffindors.

“It came as no surprise to me,” Severus couldn't resist saying.

“Right.” Potter blushed. “Well, we've split. Ginny got angry. Very angry. You have no idea of how loudly she can scream.”

“I can guess. I heard Molly a few times, after all,” Severus remembered with a wince. He probably should be more sympathetic towards Potter.

“Last night they were screaming a bloody duet,” the boy informed him with the expression normally worn by Muggles suffering from severe toothache. Severus definitely should try  to be more sympathetic.

“Potter. Harry.” There, Severus thought, using a first name should have calming effect. “If you want me to help you somehow, say how. I don't promise I will oblige, but I will hear you out. Do you want to hide?”

“Well, something like that,” Potter admitted. “Arthur's expression is worse than screaming,” he confessed. “I can't bear to see the betrayal in his eyes.”

“Gryffindor,” Severus mumbled.

Potter gave him a look, but didn't comment on it. “I thought about travelling,” the boy said instead. “I have no money, though, so I thought that you might hire to me travel for you.”

“Why don't you sell the house?” Severus knew – via letters – that on Ginevra's urging Potter had had a house built. The boy had wanted to travel, but his now-ex-fiancée had had other ideas – home and a Ministry ledger career for Harry.

“I left it to Ginny. I broke us up, and I didn't want to take the house away from her. It was her dream to have one.” Potter shrugged carelessly as if the rest of his heritage and his earnings hadn't been spent upon the building.

“Gryffindors,” Severus repeated and added under his breath, and their stupid sentimentality.

“Could you stop saying that?” Harry got up and paced, peeved. “Do you want to hear about my idea of travelling for you or not?”

“Go ahead,” Severus invited. He supposed Potter would offer to fetch required plants and herbs from various exotic countries. Well, why not, he thought. Since Severus had left Hogwarts he had made a fortune by selling Potions – both standard ones and specially crafted. He certainly could spare some Galleons on Potter, who had helped him to get this all in the first place.

“I will find a female Jarvey for you,” Potter blurted out, blushed, and corrected. “Not for you. For Demosthenes.”

That caught Severus speechless. That was... surprising. Daring. Naive. 

“Have you any idea- “

“Busty Jarvey?” Demosthenes, who had come back unnoticed, cut Severus off. “Fucking big-ass dam for me?”

Severus was taken aback by the eagerness and wistfulness in his pet's voice. It had never crossed him mind that the foul-spoken animal – who actually wasn't as grumpy as people usually believed them to be – would want a female.

“All right, Potter. Go and find one.” Severus said impulsively. “What conditions do you suggest?”

“Pay for my travel expenses,” Harry grinned at him triumphantly. Severus guessed that the boy had been expecting a large amount of resistance and had got none. Maybe Severus really was going soft?

Potter continued, unaware of Severus' musings, “You reimburse me for the Jarvey if I have to buy her from someone. Oh, and pay me something if there are babies.”

“Dirty beastly babies!” Demosthenes exclaimed, evidently charmed by the mere idea.

Where did Potter hear about this? Severus wondered. A potions recipe existed that required a piece of Jarvey placenta. Unfortunately, there was also another recipe which required a female Jarvey heart. Because of the latter one, Jarveys were nearly extinct, and therefore a Jarvey placenta was a rare commodity. And the potion using it paid extremely well.

“From Hermione,” Harry answered Severus' unvoiced question. “She went on and on about the miraculous fertility potion you can make with a Jarvey placenta.”

“Magical, not miraculous,” Severus corrected him. “I will give you ten percent of the profit from the sold potion. If there's any. And they will be reasonable travel expenses.”

Severus couldn't believe he was negotiating terms and conditions, as if it wasn't practically impossible for Potter to get him a female Jarvey.

Soon, Potter left cheerfully, seen out by a very excited Demosthenes. As the happy chatter spiced with profanities was gradually faded, Severus imagined a debate of three dirty-spoken Jarveys and groaned.

If Potter made the impossible real once again, Severus might need a potent silencing charm. Or to hide himself away at Hogwarts.

Severus rolled his eyes. It had been only six days since Potter left, and Severus had just gotten an owl from him. He opened the scroll and skimmed through the short letter - a missive, really. He noticed Demosthenes looking at him expectantly. He read aloud.

 Jaipur, India, August 3rd                            

Dear Sir, 

No Jarveys yet. India is great, Jaipur is the most unbelievable town ever. Leaving for Nepal tomorrow as I have heard rumour about a colony (!!!) of Jarveys in the National Park Shey Phoksundo (not sure about the spelling). 

Sincerely, 

Harry  

***  °°°   ***

Over two weeks later, another letter of Potter's arrived. Before Severus managed to feed the owl a piece of bacon - it was breakfast time - Demosthenes rushed into the room with the most expectant expression that a Jarvey's face could wear. Severus wondered how his pet knew the owl was from Potter. He had gotten at least dozen owls since Potter's last letter and Demosthenes had never shown any interest in them.

 Tulsipur, Nepal, August 19th 

Dear Sir, 

It turned out that there is no regular colony of Jarveys in Shey Phoksundo park. They are said to come there once a year for a few days (to breed?) and they leave again - wherever, nobody knows. Drat. I spoke with many natives and each one of them claims different time when the Jarveys were there for the last time! What the hell is it that makes them fail to notice a date? Anyway. It seems it is not even a half a year since the Jarveys were there for the last time, so I guessed there was no point to wait there for another half a year. I can always get back here in a few months. 

Sincerely, 

Harry 

***  °°°   ***

This time it took nearly two weeks before Potter let them know about his progress - or lack thereof. Again, Demosthenes seemed to know beforehand that it had been Potter who sent the owl. Severus was getting curious. Maybe Jarveys' sense of smell was underrated? Or were they telepathic?

 Paro, Bhutan, October 13th 

Dear Sir, 

I was travelling in circles, or a growing spiral more precisely, with the Park as a centre dot. I reckoned that if Jarveys keep meeting there, they have to get there somehow and also back again, in groups or alone. I travelled in spiral and asked around. Nothing. Drat. I'm going back to India if I get another tip. 

Sincerely,

Harry

PS. Travelling is great. I love it. The food is a daily surprise!   

***  °°°   ***

Severus was just brewing when he heard a loud sequence of dirty words. From what he could hear and understand, an owl ('fucking night-y chicken') came and didn't want to give its letter to Demosthenes ('will make a stinky barbecue if you won't get me the bloody thing'). Severus quickly put the concoction under a stasis spell and rushed upstairs.

Demosthenes was holding the letter victoriously, and the bird was nowhere to be seen - only a few black feathers were lying on the ground.

Severus raised his hand towards his pet. The Jarvey gave him the letter and sat down on his hind legs.

 Jaipur, India, October 30th 

Dear Sir, 

Still nothing. I was following a trail - numerous Indian people told me about loud swearing in different voices near to Sambhar Lake (not far from Jaipur) - but  it showed up that they were just some crazy bunch of American hippies swearing like... well, like Jarveys. Haha, now that I think about it, it is actually pretty funny. The lake is great too. 

I realised - would a Jarvey in India swear in English or Indian? Could you check with Demosthenes? Say 'Hi' to him from me, too, please. 

Sincerely,

Harry

PS. Hermione will join me on my travels! She will pay her expenses, though, don't worry. I bet that with her I will have much better chances to find a female Jarvey (or any Jarvey!! really). 

***  °°°   ***

 When the next letter came, Demosthenes was chasing the magically handicapped gnome again. The two of them had become something akin to friends now. Demosthenes had been feeding the gnome chocolate, trying to fatten it up so that it couldn't ran too fast - as he explained to his human. Severus' respect for Jarveys had grown again.

  Anjar, India, November 13th 

Dear Sir, 

Thanks for your letter. Jarveys are really interesting, aren't they? Does that mean that if we find a female Jarvey in India and bring it to England, she will learn English dirty words fast and the rest of English later; whilst Demosthenes will still speak English but he's gonna learn Indian swear words? Haha.  

We actually found a Jarvey here!

Hermione had an idea to put an advertisement into the Indian Magical papers, and an old woman responded. Unfortunately, she had a male Jarvey. (Hermione had put 'a Jarvey' not 'a female Jarvey' request into the papers, as she had said it was strategic). The woman wants to sell her Jarvey, quite cheaply too, as she desperately needs money. Write me if you want to buy him asap, please. Hermione thinks you should, because I said that the Jarvey was so thin in comparison to Demosthenes. I guess the owner is really poor. 

Sincerely,

Harry  

PS. Travelling with Hermione is fun. She keeps poking at every meal as if she expects it to jump into her face. I made a joke about bacteria and the fact that they cannot jump. Since that Hermione eats only bananas and tangerines.   

Severus finished reading, and Demosthenes was still nowhere to be seen. Severus decided that there was no telepathy sense in Jarveys after all. It was his familiar's nose that told Demosthenes which letter was from Harry and which was not.

This theory of Severus' got confirmed soon. Demosthenes came back inside, in a great mood after his run with the gnome. Between the door frames, he stopped short, sniffling.

"Holy fuck! A new letter!" he enthused, "What is the brat writing?"

Severus read the letter aloud, every now and then being interrupted by his familiar's exclamations.

"Bring the bloody wanker Jarvey here," Demosthenes said, to Severus' surprise. "But if he thinks he can play with my pet gnome, he's fucking as wrong as an ostrich buggering a hedgehog!"

"Aren't you rather afraid that you will have a rival in him?"  Severus couldn't help but asking. "If Potter find the female, that is."

"He can fucking wait," Demosthenes answered smugly and left to the kitchen to have a snack from his food bowl, leaving puzzled Severus behind.

***  °°°   ***

 Anjar, India, November 15th 

Dear Sir, 

We bought the Jarvey (Akala) for you and are shipping him immediately - the Muggle way - so you can expect him in a week or ten days. Hermione masked Akala with a few illusion charms, so that he looks like a bare, old dog now (she said that in this form nobody is going to steal him, hopefully). The old woman was excited to get money, but it didn't stop her from stealing food from Hermione's backpack! So Hermione is now a bit on a suspicious side, you see. 

Hermione managed to get a few pieces of information out of Akala using an interpreter charm (I knew she would be dead useful!); so we have new tips for our search. If he learns English soon, he might be able to give us more tips.  

Sincerely,

Harry   

***  °°°   ***

The next letter came only one week after the box with the new Jarvey - who was, to Severus' astonishment swearing in six different languages; courtesy of international crew on the ship.

 Hyderabad, India, December 15th 

Dear Sir, 

We haven't been successful yet. No more reactions to the advertisement, and no new clues. We travelled through Anantapur, Nagpur, Raipur and all other purs that you can imagine and nothing. I think we should move to some other country, we just have to figure out which country. 

Sincerely,

Harry 

PS. We don't have a place yet to stay for Christmas; we decided to go to England for that time - if for no reason other than Hermione is looking really thin.  Can we stay with you, please? We don't want to go to the Burrow, because I don't really want to see Ginny, and Hermione wants to avoid Ron who keeps sending her letters to try and get her back, even though she left him months ago!  

***  °°°   ***

Potter and Granger showed up in the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Potter had even let Severus know beforehand this time - courtesy of spending time with Granger, no doubt.

Severus had made effort to make his house feel "Christmas-y". It wasn't hard, really. His house - he had moved out from Spinner's End years ago - was surrounded by pine-trees; Severus spelled snow on the branches, and added slices of orange and small red apples for birds on them. Inside Severus limited Christmas to two big red-and-green stripped stocking socks, full of treats for Demosthenes and Akala, hung above the fireplace, as well as some mistletoe and a smell of cinnamon. That would have to do, he decided. If the two Gryffindors didn't like it, they could move in with the Weasleys!

Granger and Potter were tanned by the Indian sun, which undoubtedly just underlined Snape's own paleness. Granger was really appallingly thin after her tangerine and bananas diet. Apart from that, the two were just the same as Severus remembered.

Granger kept on and on about various aspects of Indian lifestyle, customs, culture, history. . . Potter let her drone and helped himself double or triple helpings of every dish. So much about Indian food, Snape thought amusedly.

Demosthenes and Akala stepped into her monologue from time to time, their comments typically spiked with both English and Indian profanities - which made Granger blush every time, to Severus' amusement.

Severus himself kept silent. He found he was rather enjoying having company. Also, some of the facts about India were interesting, he had to admit.

"What are your plans next?" Severus asked after the dinner, when they moved to the living-room to have a coffee. "Are you going back to India after Christmas?"

"I'm bored with India," Potter said morosely. "I wonder if there are any Jarveys at all."

"And I am a fucking holy cow, or what, you idiot?" Akala said, and made a rude gesture at Potter. Severus had to admit that the Jarvey had a point.

"Well, you're not in India now, are you?" Potter shot back, peeved. Gryffindor logic!

Granger stepped in before the 'discussion' became too heated. "We, Harry and I, were thinking to look in London's Wizarding Library if we get tips for other states, or even continents, Professor." She explained. "We can always return to Nepal to the assumed meeting place of Jarveys in the Shey Phoksundo park later."

"Sure, 'cause we can fucking wait for our pussy forever, you bitch!" Demosthenes complained.

Granger choked on her coffee. Severus was shocked speechless, but at least he managed to keep his poker face. Let it to Jarveys to be promiscuous.

For Potter, this nuance has gone unnoticed and he shouted, "Don't talk to Hermione like that!"  A dumb white knight in shining armour. Severus rolled his eyes.

"Our?" Granger sputtered. "Our?!"

"Granger, they talk, but they are still animals," Severus tried to placate her, before the Jarveys got a lecture on propriety, that he, Severus, would have to hear out as well.

"You are fucking animals too," Demosthenes pointed out, quite logically.

"Actually, you are right," Granger agreed, to Severus' surprise, "humans' origins are the same as of other animals. Also, there are a few communities where two men share a woman. More often more women share a man, though. Not in the modern, civilised world, though." *

"We don't share, you cumslut," Akala protested.

The next five minutes there was chaos. A very loud chaos. Potter was scolding and insulting the Jarveys, Akala was shouting profanities at him, whilst Hermione and Demosthenes tried to lead conversation about Jarveys' sexual habits. All at the same time.

Severus could feel a headache forming. He just loved Christmas.

"Silence!" he bellowed in his 'classroom' voice. The sudden silence was nearly deafening.

"Thank you," Severus continued, "now; Demosthenes, tell us anything useful about Jarveys that will help Granger and Potter to find you a female Jarvey. Keep the profanities at minimum, if you will. Everyone else stays silent," he finished, giving a cold glare to Potter and Akala.

Demosthenes' speech was not profanity-free - really, the Jarvey could not help it, it was in his nature - it was, however, very illuminating. Severus felt like idiot for not asking for tips in the beginning of the search. It should have occurred to him that nobody knew Jarveys better than Jarveys themselves.

"Why the hell didn't you tell us before?!" Potter exclaimed indignantly.

"You didn't ask, dumbass," Demosthenes answered him. Severus could tell his familiar was feeling mischievous. "What could 'only an animal' tell you fucking mighty humans?"

Severus smirked. It seemed that his sarcasm had started rubbing off on his familiar.

"Well, you can fucking wait for your 'pussy' if you are such an ass!" Potter snapped, all worked up.

"Harry!" Granger cried, scandalised, whilst Demosthenes' expression turned glum as the realisation set that Potter was right. It apparently hadn't occurred to the Jarvey that his stunt had been a double-edged sword. So much for Jarveys' sense of cunning, Severus thought.

"What, Hermione, we were seeking high and low and this - - this Jarvey didn't feel like mentioning we need saffron in honey to lure in a female Jarvey." Potter whined.

"He fucking told you now, so find us a busty babe chop chop, dumbass!" Akala hurried to help Demosthenes.

Potter only sputtered indignantly. Severus felt like laughing.

"It's getting late," he commented. "Your rooms are upstairs on the left side. Sleep well."

A quarter of hour later, Severus was lying in his bed, trying to concentrate on his novel. Reading couldn't keep his attention tonight, though. His thoughts wandered back to the Jarveys and their mating habits. Apparently, a female had only one partner, but she changed him for another one, as soon as pups were born.

 "We don't fucking wanna degenerate, do we?" Demosthenes explained in plain English. 

The other male would serve as an 'uncle' to the Jarvey pups. Demosthenes was sure he was going to be the first partner to the female; his main triumph was his private, trained gnome. From Akala's glum expression Severus gathered that he as well considered a trained gnome irresistible for a Jarvey female. Akala seemed to be satisfied enough with his position of first partner in waiting.

 "No more bringing other wankers, I tell you!" Akala ordered Potter and Granger. 

Severus shook his head. Maybe he could write a book on Jarveys. It would be a bestseller. Especially among teenagers.

     * Before you point out that "civilised" is a relative word, and that monogamy is not the only right way, I want to remind you that this is Hermione's opinion (or my fanfic Hermione's opinion). You keep your opinions :)

"You must be kidding me!" Harry exclaimed, staring at his wife.

"I'm lucky you didn't invent this a few years ago," Severus commented, smirking at Hermione. He was lucky that Filius hadn't invented it back then when Severus had wanted to leave Hogwarts, he realised.

"Well, now that we will be living here, and now that we are going to have a baby, the Jarveys can't keep throwing profanities right, left and centre. It wouldn't be good for Chrissy to hear that," Hermione explained.

Severus wondered what else was going to change in his household now that the newly-wed couple had moved in. Why had he agreed to it, again? Hermione and Harry had probably rubbed off on him during their numerous stays.

"Hermione," Harry moaned. "Chrissy won't be born for eight months! She can't hear anything yet."

Severus felt for Harry. The couple had only arrived two days ago, but Hermione was grating on his nerves too, with her constant 'Chrissy this and Chrissy that'. He hoped that would pass with time. Severus could remember when Narcissa was pregnant with Draco; she hadn't talked about the baby, baby food, baby clothes, baby illnesses et cetera, et cetera. Narcissa had kept her favourite topics - fashion, jewels, gossip, and power. Severus hoped Hermione would turn her thoughts back to the academic soon.

Demosthenes ran into the kitchen like a rogue typhoon. "What the *beep* is this? What's the *beep* beeping?"

"It's a Profanity Banning Spell," Hermione informed him smugly, her hand on her - still very plain - stomach. "You are the first ever living being that it was used on." She gave Harry and Severus a triumphant look, as if to say 'See? Works exactly as I told you'.

"I *beep* never heard about a *beep* *beep* spell, you *beep* *beep* *beep*," the Jarvey raged, looking more and more frustrated with every banned dirty word.

Harry started to laugh. Severus had to admit that the indignant-looking, beeping Jarvey was really funny.

"I got my inspiration from Muggle world; I was inspired by computer programs which delete every impolite word in discussions or reports broadcast in TV," Hermione informed them all, "I think that there's a big potential for the Wizarding world to imitate Muggle inventions with the use of magic."

There is something in that, Severus had to admit to himself. If his father hadn't been such a bloody wanker - beep, beep, he thought in wry amusement - and Severus hadn't shut down his connections to Muggle world, and its technical inventions, he might have invented some spells or charms himself. Or maybe there would be something of use in the Muggle chemistry inventions? He mused.

Demosthenes didn't seem to be as interested or inspired as Severus, though. He spat another sentence full of beeping sounds at Hermione, and left the room in a similar manner to which he had come.

Potter was still laughing like a lunatic.

Until Demosthenes returned with the other two adult Jarveys and the pups.

Finally, Severus had to end the situation that followed by six well-aimed Petrificus Totalus spells, one of which was saved for Harry.

"Did you consider choosing a less aggravating sound?" he asked Hermione in the silence, his ears still ringing.

"No," the witch answered him absentmindedly. "I am considering a variation..." She trailed off, and then sharply turned on her heel, and left, mumbling something about 'more research needed'.

***  °°°   ***

Of course, Severus knew from his own experience with potions, making a variation often required much more time than the original charm - or potion - took.

Chrissy - and they already knew it was going to be Christine, not Christian - was about to be born when Hermione proudly announced her success.

"This variation, that I decided to name Profanity Broadcast Banning Spell," she announced to Severus, Harry, and the Jarveys. "Will satisfy both parties."

Severus realised it had been nearly four months since they all met in the living-room last time. After the original spell had been unleashed on the Jarveys, they had started to be gradually more rude and aggravating; their stunts escalating with each passing day. Harry's pranking them back hadn't helped the situation any.

 Everything ended by the Jarveys' protest pee on the carpet in the living-room - it was unbelievable how that smelled - which had made Severus lose his patience finally. The day after, Severus bought an already-done small, wooden cottage that he un-shrunk out of hearing distance from his house, and he banned the Jarveys to stay there, taking the Profanity Banning Spells off them. After that, there had been something of a frosty truce between the humans and Jarveys; they had rarely seen each other anymore.

Severus realised he had missed Demosthenes and his wry humour, and sharp tongue. Even the profanities.

"It allows Jarveys to talk to each other in an - eh - unrestricted way  but humans won't hear the dirty words," Hermione continued. "Thus, the Jarvey will have to keep their speech 'clear' enough if they want witches and wizards to understand them," she went on with a sharp glance at the animals.

Severus wondered how long it would take the Jarveys to realise that they could very easily insult people without using any dirty words. He had been using that method all the time when he was teaching at Hogwarts. Not to distress the soon-to-be-mother, he kept his mouth shut, though.

"Great work, Hermione," Harry told her with his complete and never-failing loyalty to his wife; he got a very nice smile as a reward.

The witch then turned to Severus and proudly informed him, "I also changed the beeping sound to a very discreet level."

"Thank you," Severus nodded at her gratefully. He well-remembered one of the Jarveys' stunts when they had decided to deafen them all with beeping noises.

***  °°°   ***

"What did that mean, Grandpa?" Chrissy asked Severus.

"Eh, well, that meant the Demosthenes wasn't satisfied with his lunch," Severus translated for her very freely the Jarveys' 'I have never had such a horrible inedible dish cooked by such an inexperienced and untalented cook in my long calamity-stricken life!'

Hermione and the Jarvey family's relationship hadn't improved much in the past three years. They still mostly ignored each other. The Jarveys carefully threw round-about insults at the wizards when she wasn't present.

"I liked it," Chrissy told him, puzzled, "it was nice."

She was a lovely mixture of Harry and Hermione, and Severus didn't know how he could have ever thought he didn't like children.

"Yes, I liked it too," he answered gently, "now, how about going to the meadow and finding your mother some flowers as a 'thank you' before she comes back from work?"

"Yes! Yes!" She gave him a very Harry-like smile, hopping down from her high chair in a blood-freezing manner, and running out of the door.

'Gryffindors,' Severus mumbled and followed her before any dangerous adventure happened upon her.

***  °°°   ***

They lived happily ever after. Goodnight, dear fanfics readers!  :-D