Snape's Journal

July 16,1993:

We broke the good news to Harry over brunch, we had let him sleep in today because of the allergic reaction from the bee sting, figuring his body could use the rest. But Lily and I had been up quite early, because I wished Mum to examine her before anything else. Leaving Harry sound asleep, we Flooed over to her flat, arriving just as she had finished her second cup of tea. After her second cup, she was usually ready to start her day.

"Severus! Lily! What brings you here so early?" she greeted us, rising and hugging me, and then Lily.

I gave her a light kiss on the cheek, a silent apology for not having been to see her in a few weeks. "We have some good news that we'd like to share with you, Mum. You're going to be a grandmother again."

"Oh!" A hand went to her mouth and her dark eyes shimmered with joyful tears. "You mean, you're finally expecting, Lily?"

"Yes, Mum. I am." The joy upon Lily's face was almost tangible. She had longed for another child for so very long and had almost given up hope that she could ever become pregnant. "I wanted to ask if you wouldn't mind . . .checking me out?"

Mum smiled. "Of course I wouldn't mind, luv. I'm so happy for you! Didn't I tell you that know-it-all Healer Briggs was mistaken when he told you that you could never have children after your last miscarriage? Never say never."

"It's sort of like a miracle," I said, my tone hushed. Lily would bear my child. Mine, not James Potter's. I loved Harry like he was my own, but there was no getting around the fact that I was thrilled to finally have a biological child of my own at last. As long as, please the Creator, nothing went wrong. The mere thought of anything happening to the baby or Lily terrified me to death.

"It is. And you deserve it, Sev." My mother said sincerely. "What does Harry think?"

"We haven't told him yet," Lily answered. "I wanted you to examine me first, make sure everything was okay. Plus he's still sleeping off the aftereffects of the allergic reaction he had yesterday from a bee sting. Severus gave him some pretty strong potions to counteract it."

"Bee sting? Oh, the poor dear! Sev, what potions did you give him?"

I told her how I had treated Harry, and she approved my methods. Not that I needed her to tell me I had done things right, the results spoke for themselves, but it still felt good to have her approval. I respected and loved Eileen Prince Snape dearly, and a kind word from her meant more to me than a dozen compliments from strangers.

"All right then, Lily." Mum switched her attention from me to my wife. "Let me start by asking you the usual questions. How long since your last monthly cycle?"

"Well, I've never been what you'd call regular, sometimes I skip, but . . .around two months." Lily answered promptly, without a trace of embarrassment at discussing such a private thing in front of me.

If anything, I should have been embarrassed, but I'd been an apothecary too long to get squeamish over a little thing like that. I knew quite well how a woman's anatomy worked.

"Ah. Good. How have you been otherwise? Any morning sickness? Weariness? Headaches? Any tenderness in your breasts?" Mum fired off questions like the seasoned midwife she was.

Lily confessed she occasionally had bouts of nausea, but not as bad as when she had been pregnant with Harry. She felt a little tired, but otherwise was fine.

Mum felt Lily's stomach expertly, nodding to herself. Then she drew her wand and performed an obstetric diagnostic spell. I had never learned how to cast those, though I was willing to bet if I had been born a girl, Mum would have taught me them as part of my education. I could have asked, of course, but had never seen the need to know such things, since Mum had always been there to administer to the pregnant witches who sought us out.

Colored lights danced over Lily's abdomen, and Mum did some more muttering before she straightened and announced, "Congratulations, Lily and Sev. You've got a viable two month old fetus in there. Growing nicely from what my spells tell me."

Lily glowed. "You're sure, Mum? It's normal?"

My mother nodded. "Very normal. Now, in your earlier pregnancies, you miscarried in your first trimester, correct?"

"My first time, yes. The last . . .I was almost six months when I lost it. My Healer told me it was stress and over exhausting my magical reserves."

"Hmm. Possibly. Well, one thing you can do to prevent that is make sure you get lots of rest and take a desk job from now till the baby is born. And have regular check-ups with me. I think I'll put you on bed rest as you get closer to your due date, just in case. For now, though, eat healthy foods, drink lots of milk, and take the Pregnancy Supplimental Potion I'm going to give you. Severus, you can brew it for her, she needs it once a day. Try not to stress over anything and if you need to, brew some raspberry leaf tea for nausea. Take long walks and exercise as much as possible. As you get further along, you should try to use your magic as little as possible, for it's draining upon your system."

"I'll do whatever you say," Lily promised.

Mum patted her shoulder. "You'll be fine, Lily. This time is totally different from the others. You're older, true, but you're not in the middle of a war and you're healthy and strong. You'll carry this baby to term, or my name's not Eileen Prince." She told my wife confidently. "Severus, you make sure you help out as much as you can in the later months."

"Yes, ma'am," I said respectfully. I would do whatever was needed to make sure Lily was healthy and well. I wanted this baby as much as she did. "Can you tell what it is yet?"

My mother shook her head. "It's a bit early for that. All I know is that there's a life growing there. Wait until the fourth month. Then I can tell." She snapped her fingers. "Here's the supplement draft and the recipe to make more. Lily, come back and see me in a week."

"I'll mark it down on my calendar," Lily said, then she hugged her mother-in-law again. "I guess we better get on home."

"See you soon. I have to go and open the shop." Mum bid us goodbye and we Flooed back home.

By then it was late morning, and Lily opted to have brunch instead breakfast, and I agreed. We made waffles and bacon, eggs Benedict, crumpets, a large green salad, tuna sandwiches, and chocolate biscuits, because Harry loved them. There was tea and lemonade and pumpkin juice as well. Lily set the table while I went to wake my son.

Harry appeared at the table within fifteen minutes. He had assured me he felt much better than yesterday and was ravenous. I could swear he was getting a growth spurt with the way he devoured everything in front of him. While he was on his second helping of bacon and waffles, Lily announced the good news.

Harry dropped his fork with a clatter. "You're kidding, right?"

"No. Your grandmother confirmed it. If all goes well, you should have a baby brother or sister by . . ." Lily did some quick calculating. " . . .January. Maybe he or she will be born on your dad's birthday."

"That'd be really weird," Harry said. He gazed at Lily with new insight. "You don't look like you're having a baby."

Lily laughed. "Not now, but just wait a month or so. Then you'll see."

"Okay. How did it happen? I mean . . .I know how . . ." he blushed furiously, but continued gamely, " . . .but I thought you . . .uh . . .couldn't have kids anymore, Mum."

"That's what I thought too. But apparently I was mistaken."

"I'm glad," Harry stated. "I've always wondered what it'd be like with a younger brother or sister. What do you want the baby to be?"

"Healthy," Lily answered immediately.

"A girl," I replied, for I had been longing for a daughter with Lily's hair and eyes.

"I think I want a brother," Harry said. "So I can teach him how to play Quidditch and stuff."

"You can teach a girl that too," I put in.

"Yeah, but girls like to play with dolls and junk like that. No way am I getting stuck doing dumb things like that."

Lily smirked. "You'd be surprised what you'll be willing to do for a little sister, Harry."

He looked at her askance. "I'll bet you never made Dad play stupid girl games with you, Mum."

Lily's smirk grew even more pronounced. "No? Sev and I used to play all kinds of games. Including house."

"Dad! You didn't!"

"Once or twice. When I had no other choice." Then I added softly, "And you had better never repeat that to anyone, Harry James Potter, or else you'll be very sorry."

"I won't!" he promised. "I'm gonna pray it's a boy. Thank Merlin Hermione never made me do anything like that. Mum, how could you?"

"Oh, Harry, we were seven or eight! He was the father and I was the mother, and we played in the backyard, not at the park or anywhere in public." Lily laughed at his stricken expression.

"Still." Harry grimaced.

I refused to elaborate on my odd childhood. Suffice to say that I had been willing to play whatever Lily suggested, I would have done anything to keep my best friend.

"We'll see who gets their wish in seven more months," Lily said, eating some more salad.

"What do you want to have, Lil?" I asked.

"I don't really have a preference. I just want the baby to be healthy and born on time."

I could understand that. And I really wouldn't mind another son. Unlike my first time as a new parent, I was better prepared and older and more accepting of the twists and turns life throws you. And there would be none of the problems I had accepting Harry in the beginning . . .

Snape's Journal

November 26th, 1981:

Despite my mother's offer, Lily and Harry moved out of Spinner's End within a few weeks, as soon as Lily was certain she was well again. As James Potter's widow, she was the inheritor of not just the Potter estate, but several other properties as well, including Godric's Hollow. She spoke to her solicitor, and agreed to sell off the cottage and several of the smaller properties. The manor was expensive to keep up, but it could not be sold, there was some kind of clause in the will that said it had to be given to a family member. It would eventually become Harry's when he was of age, as well as Grimmauld Place.

But for now, Lily opted to move back into Potter Manor, where she had lived at the beginning of her marriage,rather than continue being a burden on us Snapes. I had argued with her, of course, but she was stubborn and refused to listen to me. "Sev, you and Eileen have a business to run, and you can't do that with me or Harry underfoot. At the manor, there are house elves to mind Harry and besides, I need to go through James' things . . .decide which things I need to get rid of and what to save for Harry to have when he's older. It'll take me awhile to do that . . .as well as trying to finish my Special Auror training. You and your mum have been wonderful, but it's really time for me to move on . . ."

"Lily, there's no need to be hasty. It's not like we mind you being there . . ." I began. I longed to tell her a quick way to get rid of Potter's things—use them as kindling. But I held my tongue, because I didn't want to quarrel with her, and she still bore some feelings for her deceased husband. She didn't need me sniping at her. But it was a near thing. I wished her to erase James Potter from her life, let him rest in peace, and let her get on with her own life. A life that I fervently hoped would include me.

"Sev, no. I've made up my mind. I need to be on my own. For now."

I knew enough not to push. "All right. But will you write to me?" I asked, unable to keep the plaintive note from my voice.

"Sev, I'll come and visit as much as I can," she reassured me. "I'm sorry I ever lost touch with you in the first place. I missed you terribly and I . . .want to try to have a relationship again, just . . .not quite yet. I need time . . ."

"All right. I'll be here," I said obligingly. I loved her, heaven help me, but I too needed time to get over my resentment that she had chosen Potter and borne him a son. I forgave her for her assumption of me, but there was a part of me that refused to accept that she had once loved Potter. It was petty and childish perhaps, but it was there nevertheless.

"I know. Thank you for everything, Sev." She kissed me then, and I felt as if I had been set afire, such was the passion she kindled within me.

It had been two weeks since she had gone, and though I had seen her several times since, it was never enough. I craved her touch, her voice, her presence, like a plant craves sunlight. I wanted her beside me always. The longing in me envied her son, who was one of the reasons she had left, so Harry didn't grow too used to Spinner's End, she wanted him to get used to Potter Manor. The jealous resentful part of me wondered if things would have been different if she had never had a son. Would she have stayed with us then?

I immediately felt ashamed of that thought, Harry was a baby, and one who had been gravely injured by an insane wizard. He didn't deserve my resentment. It had been a miracle he had survived that night. The warning I had sent to the Longbottoms had been heeded, and Alice and Frank had sent Neville into hiding with his grandmother, Augusta, then departed their residence themselves. So when the Death Eaters came calling, they found the family gone, and Aurors waiting to arrest them. Bellatrix LeStrange, her husband, and young Barty Crouch, junior were apprehended and later convicted and sent to Azkaban for life.

Things could finally go back to normal. Voldemort was gone and so were most of his followers. The Eyes and Ears program had been disbanded, though our names were still on the records, and the Ministry had given us huge monetary rewards for our service, enough so Mum could expand her apothecary and I could finally apply to the Academy of Potioneers and gain my Mastery degree, as I had always longed to do.

The only thing I lacked now was a meaningful relationship with Lily. But in order to have one, I had to accept her son. James Potter's son. I saw my old rival every time I looked at the boy, despite the fact he bore Lily's eyes. He was a constant reminder that Potter had known my Lily-flower first, and that made me burn with jealousy. It should have been me. By Merlin's wand, it should have been me.

When they had lived with me at Spinner's End, I had not had much contact with Harry, who tended to be clingy and wanted Lily most of the time. Occasionally he gazed at me, as if uncertain who I was, and once or twice he had asked after James, but mostly he stayed beside Lily or my mother or Gabriel.

My collie had taken to the waif immediately, he had always loved babies and children, of whatever age. It was the herding instinct, that inbred desire to protect the weak and helpless, that made Gabriel so overprotective of Harry. My dog, who used to be my shadow, now suddenly deserted me to lie beside Harry's cot at night, and he followed the child about the house, no longer content to spend the hours lying in the shop.

It irked me, though, that I could be so easily supplanted in my dog's affections. Gabriel had always been my loyal friend, who had saved me from my own terrible stupidity. And now he was snubbing me, in a way, for James Potter's son.

Looking back on it, I suppose I was foolish and juvenile to resent a baby that way, I should have known that my dog was not replacing me, only adding on a new friend to the ones he already had. But I had never been very rational when it came to James Potter, who I still recalled as an arrogant bully that had taken Lily away from me. I could never get back those lost years and that knowledge was like a stone in my heart, bitter and aching.

If that were not enough, you could plainly see that Harry adored Gabe. "Doggie! Doggie!" he would shriek whenever Gaby chanced to walk into view. " 'Mere, doggie!" he would call and hold out his chubby arms. "Mere!" And my collie would willingly put himself within reach of Harry's small hands, even though they tended to pull and rip out large chunks of fur.

"Be nice to the dog, Harry," Lily would tell him, patiently untangling his fingers from poor Gaby's fur. "Pet Gaby nicely. Like this." She would run his hand over Gabe's back, while the collie sat there, calmly enduring the little imp's abuse in silence.

"Or better yet, don't pet him at all," I muttered under my breath.

My patient dog would then turn and lick the child's face and Harry would giggle and hug him.

"Good doggie! He lickit me, Mummy!"

"I see, Harry. Gaby's a good dog, and a better friend."

It would have been adorable, but I was consumed with jealousy and turned away.

When Lily and Harry moved back into Potter Manor, Gabriel moped for a bit, but then he fell back into his old routine with me, coming to work during the day and sleeping with me again at night. I forgave him his brief defection and resolved to think no more about it.

Until my mother brought up Christmas shopping. It would be the first time in several years that Lily and I would exchange gifts, and I wasn't sure what to get her. I would have loved to give her an engagement ring, but I knew it was too soon. Potter's specter still lingered between us. So I had to think of something else. I knew Lily still loved potions, and she had mentioned once that she needed to get new scales and a decent cauldron, Sirius had melted hers one night trying to brew pale amber beer. So I decided to get her a master-level potions kit. I was sure she'd appreciate it.

"That's a lovely idea, Sev!" Mum exclaimed. "Lily and you were always aces in potions. What were you planning on getting Harry?"

I stiffened, for in truth I hadn't thought about getting the brat anything. I shrugged. "I have no idea," was all I said.

Something of my resentment must have shown on my face or in my voice, because my mother put down the vial she was filling and gave me a frown. "Severus!"

"What? I don't know anything about babies." I said sullenly. "He's probably got loads of toys and whatnot, stashed in the manor. Just like his bloody father."

"Severus, you cannot compare Harry to James."

"Why not? He's James' son, looks just like him and will probably grow up like him too."

"Don't be ridiculous, Sev. Lily would never let her son become a bully. And Harry is too little to remember James, so he wouldn't be so quick to follow in his footsteps. Severus, he's only a boy. A little boy who's lost his magic and his father. Now why are you behaving like a resentful idiot?"

Her scolding stung and I snapped, "Because he's Potter's son and not mine!"

I remained frozen. I hadn't meant for that to come out, but my mother had a way of prying secrets out of me. My ears burned.

"Ah. So that's it. You resent James Potter and wish that Harry was yours by blood."

"No, that's not it. I look at the boy and all I see is his bloody father," I raged. "Bad enough he was a thorn in my side when he lived. I can't even escape him when he's dead."

She frowned hard at me. "Sev, Harry is a lovable child, he isn't a spoiled brat like you seem to think. You need to spend more time with him, get to know him better. Then maybe you'll quit seeing James and only see Harry. Harry loves you, Sev."

"No, he doesn't. He loves Gabriel."

"So do a great many people." My mother pointed out. "Don't be so blind, Sev. Harry looks for you every time you leave the room. I think you ought to follow your dog's example and keep an open mind. After all, Lily and Harry come together, and if you want to date Lily, you need to accept Harry as well."

I sighed. She was right. But I wished she wasn't. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Then your relationship with Lily will have ended before it really began," my mother told me bluntly. "Think about it this way. James Potter may have hurt you, but that baby is an innocent. How would you feel if Lily blamed you for everything your father did over the years? If she resented you for Tobias' mistakes and held you accountable? Harry is not his father. Forget who he resembles. I taught you better than to judge by appearances, Sev. That's what those fool Marauders did to you. Do you want to be like them?"

Her words hit me like a slap. I had always prided myself into seeing not only the face a person presented, but what motivated him as well. Yet now, when it came to one small baby, I was letting an old grudge cloud my thinking. I was acting like Black and Potter and Pettigrew, the very people I despised. What was wrong with me? "No, of course not."

"I didn't think so."

"But how can I just forget that he's Potter's son?"

"By forgetting about James Potter. I know he made your life a misery in school, Severus, but that's over. He's dead and gone, let the past die with him. You need to spend some more time with just Harry and learn to see him as only a boy, not the "son of a bullying toerag". I think once you do you'll love him as I do."

I was doubtful. My resentment of Potter had festered for years, could I overcome it in a few months? I knew that I was being unfair, and a part of me was ashamed. Lily would be furious if she knew how I resented her son. "I . . .all right. I'll try."

"Good. Now I'm going to invite Lily for a girl's day out. She needs to quit brooding and remember that she has a life that doesn't revolve around Harry. And you, Sev, are going to babysit Harry while we indulge ourselves."

And that was how I ended up watching Harry every Friday night. At first I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and I struggled to blot out the fact that this was James' son. Harry had a cowlick that stuck up and reminded me very much of how Potter's hair was always mussed when he came off his broom after Quidditch practice. But his eyes were all Lily's, and in the beginning it was those I focused on.

It also helped that Harry was so sweet-natured and displayed no hint of spoiled or arrogant behavior. He was content to sit on the floor and play with his toys, or run after Gaby in the backyard, and in fact it was on one of those occasions that he tripped and skinned his knee. He started to cry, and Gabriel came racing over to me, whining urgently, then he turned and went back to Harry and began licking him. He hated it when kids cried.

I turned and came over, reacting upon instinct. I had been trained to help sick and hurt people, and I didn't even stop to think about what I was doing. I knelt down, shoved my collie's nose out of the way, "Move, Gabe! I need to see how bad it is." And examined my patient. It was not as bad as I feared. A nasty scrape, nothing that required any kind of advanced spells to fix. Harry was sobbing as if he'd lost a limb. "Here now, it's all right. You're just scraped. Calm down." I said in my best soothing tone.

He held out his arms to me and I picked him up. "Shhh. Come on, let me fix you up." I carried him into the house, where I quickly cleaned and put magical salve on the cut, then bandaged it.

Once it stopped hurting, Harry stopped bawling and the next thing I knew he had flung his arms about my neck and clung to me like a little monkey.

I breathed in the scent of baby powder and soap, grass and milk, and I held him tight and began rubbing his back. "There, there. You'll live."

He hiccupped, then laid his head on my shoulder. He was worn out and I walked back into the den and sat down. "You need a nap," I told him. Gabe jumped up and lay down on the couch next to me, looking at me worriedly. "He'll be fine," I told my collie.

"Doggie," Harry mumbled sleepily.

"Gaby. His name's Gaby."

"Daby," Harry repeated. Then he did an astonishing thing. He turned his little face into my neck and said, "Ni' ni', Dad."

I remained with my mouth open. He had called me dad! I couldn't understand it. Lily and Mum had never referred to me as such around Harry. So why would he think of me like that? I stared down at the peacefully sleeping child and realized that I was slowly replacing the memory of James Potter in Harry's mind. Lily had told me that James was often away, and Harry had rarely seen him, except in the month before the attack, when James had been home all the time. But since then, the only man Harry saw was me, who was tall and dark-haired like his father. Who watched and cared for him, fed and changed him, and even fixed up his scrapes. Just like a father would.

We had spent the holidays together, and I had given Harry a stuffed replica of Gaby to sleep with at night. He loved it. Brought it everywhere with him. Lily came to see me every weekend, and it was now January. Almost three months had gone by since that Halloween night. Dumbledore had visited Lily at Potter Manor and expressed his condolences on her loss and his sympathy that Harry had lost his magic as a result. "He seemed upset that Harry wouldn't be attending Hogwarts, but really, what did he expect? I will not send my son to a wizard school when he has only enough magic to light a candle. Harry can go to a Muggle school when he's old enough, or I can teach him myself. At Hogwarts he would only be made to feel inferior. I don't care if he has magic, he's my son and I love him no matter what." Lily had told me a week after she had moved into the manor.

Now, holding him in my arms and listening to the soft hush of his breathing, and feeling the warmth and trust he had for me, I felt humbled. My mother had been right. Harry did love me.

And me? Gradually my resentment had begun to fade, as I came to like the child for himself. He was wry and funny and smart, and almost never cross, unless he wasn't feeling well. I had nursed him through a fever and an upset stomach. He trusted me and I had stopped seeing Potter's clone every time I looked at him. Now, when I looked at him, all I saw was a little boy. Lily's boy. Whom I had come to care about very much.

"Good night, Harry." I murmured, and settled down on the couch with the toddler , resting my head on Gabriel's shoulder.

He groaned, then turned his head and licked me. See? I still love you, you silly ass. And I love the boy too. I reached back and stroked his noble head. "Thank you, Gabriel. For reminding me of what I should have known all along. That a heart has room in it for more than just one person."

I yawned and felt my eyes start to shut. I guess I needed a nap too. And that was the way Lily and my mother found us some two hours later, sound asleep in a heap upon the couch. Lily thought we looked so cute that she took a picture. I have it still, in the family album.

Snape's Journal

July 16, 1993:

"Dad?" Harry broke into my thoughts. "What are you going to name the new baby?"

I looked at Lily. "Well, we haven't had time to decide on a name yet. Would you like to help us, Harry?"

Harry hesitated. "Uh . . .I guess. But I don't know too many good names."

"That's all right. We'll just write them all down and pick the ones we like best," I told him. "We can pick two names each, boy and girl."

"Why don't we start now?" Lily suggested. "I'll get the paper and a quill."