Chapter Five

Harry groaned as the the liquid in his cauldron turned a sludgy grey. This was starting to get embarrassing. His potions professor, who had been standing with his arms folded across his chest gave an annoyed huff and waved his wand to banish the offending mess.

'Congratulations Mr Potter, you have managed to mess up a second year potion, three times in one afternoon.'

'I know,' Harry said miserably. 'I couldn't get this one right in second year either.'

'Well, if you can't manage this first stage you are never going to cope with the more advanced levels this year.' Severus sighed heavily. 'Come and have some food and then you can try again.'

Harry followed the man dejectedly into his office where a plate of sandwiches was waiting for them. He was feeling a right idiot and the more mistakes he made, the more annoyed Snape was getting. Maybe it was time to give up on the whole auror thing? At least then he could drop potions next year and focus on the subjects he was good at.

It was just that despite everything, he actually liked brewing. He liked the feeling of it. Harry loaded his plate, poured some water for himself and took the seat opposite the professor.

The two of them sat in silence for a while and ate, Harry feeling nervous in a way he hadn't been since the beginning of the holidays. He watched Snape glowering at him and felt a strange sense of loss. He had liked the lessoning of tension between them and had been starting to feel safe in the man's presence.

Harry felt his stomach drop as he realised that once term started, things would go back to normal. He would screw up his potions, Snape would be vile and worse still, the man knew all about the Dursleys.

His appetite rapidly vanishing, Harry put the plate back on the table, ignoring the pile of uneaten sandwiches.

Severus watched the play of emotions on the boys face and felt his own irritation turning to concern as Potter visibly tensed before him. By the time the boy abandoned his food, Severus was feeling a little alarmed. He hadn't seen that expression on the child's face since his last detention and Severus realised with a sinking feeling that what he had always interpreted as defiance, was more of a closing down.

Harry was shutting down emotionally in order to protect himself from attack. Attack from him! He looked back towards the abandoned potion room with a frown. What the hell was going wrong with the boys brewing and more importantly, how did he fix it without pushing him further into his protective shell?

He looked back at Potter who was sat nervously, his hands in his lap.

'Are you not hungry?' he asked, keeping his voice neutral.

Harry shook his head and the potions master tried to contain his irritation.

'Shall we talk about what went wrong with the potion?'

The boy looked up at him nervously. 'I'm sorry professor, I kept missing the right moment to add the vervain.'

'Did you not understand the instructions?'

'I did! It's just that I find it hard not to get distracted and if I lose my place I can't find it again.'

The professor could hear the frustration in the boys voice.

'Well, the instructions in your book are pretty straightforward so maybe we should look at what it is that you find so distracting?'

'Normally?' Harry asked in puzzlement. 'I mean in class?'

'No Potter, at dinner! Of course I mean in class,' he snapped and then closing his eyes, forced himself to take a deep breath. You're not helping Severus, he rebuked himself silently.

Harry swallowed and looked at his feet. What the hell was he doing voluntarily brewing potions with Snape during his holidays? He must be mad.

'Mr Potter! I believe I asked you a question?'

'Well...erm, Malfoy is always throwing stuff at my cauldron and trying to wind me up and..'

'Are you really intending to blame your atrocious lack of potions skills on your fellow classmates?'

Harry flushed with anger. 'You asked me what distracted me? If you don't want to hear...,' he trailed off and bit his lip trying to stop the sense of panic that was threatening to overwhelm him.

This man knew what Uncle Vernon had done to him; he had seen his back! Why had he trusted Snape after all that the awful things he had said over years; all the times he had humiliated him in front of the whole class?

Harry felt his chest constrict in panic. He couldn't breath! It felt like the walls were closing in; there was no way out.

Severus found the sharp retort on the tip of his tongue die, as he saw the colour drain from Harry's face and the boy double over, his hands gripping the sides of the armchair.

'Potter!'

Severus was on his feet in a second, his wand flashing through the air in a hastily cast diagnostic spell. The boy was having a panic attack;

Bloody hell, had he caused this?

He knelt beside the chair, completely at a loss as to how to calm the child.

'Harry! It's all right, calm down.' He laid a hand on the boys back and spoke as gently as he could. 'You're safe Harry, just try and slow your breathing. Slowly now, breath in and out.'

It took several minutes before the fog in Harry's brain cleared and he could actually pay attention to what was happening around him. Snape was talking softly and rubbing his back. Harry fought to get his breathing under control and follow the instructions his professor was giving him; at the same time trying to ignore the embarrassment that was now creeping in.

He had completely lost it in front of Snape! He was mortified. Harry had experienced several panic attacks when he was younger,mainly when he had been locked in his cupboard; but he had long ago learned to calm himself before one took hold. He closed his eyes tightly and concentrated on his breathing, in-out, in-out. Eventually the pain in his chest cleared and his ears stopped ringing.

Harry glanced up at Snape and winced at the fierce expression on the man's face. He looked furious. Harry leapt out of the chair and before Snape could respond had fled from the room, running back to the tower as fast as he could.

Severus sat where he was, knelt beside the chair for several minutes, feeling completely stunned. He had no idea what had just happened. Admittedly he had been a bit short with the boy but he had been snapping at Potter for five years and that had never brought a response like that.

Getting slowly to his feet, he sighed heavily. He needed to fix this but didn't know where to start. Should he let the boy calm down or follow after him to make sure he was all right?

'Dammit Potter,' he whispered in frustration. Things had been going so well.

)O(

Harry didn't stop running until he had reached his dorm, by which time he was seriously dizzy. He threw himself face down on the bed and let the tears fall as he lay there getting his breath back.

He was going to be in enormous trouble for running out like that. Probably a dozen detentions and that pathetic little meltdown had given Snape even more ammunition against him. Just brilliant Harry, well done, he thought bitterly.

Harry lay like that for close to an hour, tears pouring silently down his face until his eyelids slowly drifted down and he let sleep take him away.

He didn't hear the dorm door open or his professor slip quietly into the room and take the armchair beside his bed.

Severus watched as the boy slept, his cheeks flushed and his eyes still puffy from what had obviously been a significant crying fit. He wasn't sure if this was the right course of action but knew that he couldn't leave things like that between them.

Every interaction he had had with Potter over these holidays had questioned his judgement and treatment of the boy and today had been no exception. He found the thought of returning to their previous...hostility, intolerable.

It was several hours before Harry stirred and Severus watched as the teenager became aware of his surroundings and wiped his face tiredly. Severus gave a quiet cough to alert the boy of his presence and sighed as Harry almost bolted from the bed.

The stared at each other for a moment until his quiet, 'Sit down Potter,' brought the boy back to the present.

Harry climbed back onto his bed and sat against the headboard, drawing his knees up to his chest. He watched as the professor poured out two large mugs of tea and added a vial of potion to each of them.

'A calming draught for both of us,' he explained and Harry nodded.

Harry accepted the mug and cradled the warm cup against his chest nervously. What was the man doing here again and which Snape was it? The one who had looked after him so carefully this week or the other one? The one who made his life a living hell. There was an uneasy silence as they both drank their teas and Harry felt the subtle effects of the potion working through him. He drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, allowing the tension to drain from his shoulders at the same time.

Severus noted the change with approval. Maybe now they were both calm enough to continue.

'Are you feeling better, Harry?'

The boy flushed and looked down. 'Yes sir, I'm sorry...sorry I lost it like that?'

'You have nothing to apologise or be embarrassed about,' Severus answered quietly. 'Have you had attacks like this before?'

The teenager nodded. '...but not for a long time and never at Hogwarts.'

'Well, I imagine it feels safer here than at home?'

'Normally yes.' Harry mumbled.

'But not with me?' Snape asked so quietly that Harry barely heard him and to his shame, Harry felt tears prick at the back of his eyes. He would not cry in front of Snape; he would not. Today had been bad enough.

'Harry I must apologize for being so short with you this afternoon. It was not my intention to upset you.'

'S'ok,' Harry mumbled, embarrassed. Snape was apologizing to him! How was he supposed to respond to that?

'I realise that we have not had the easiest of working relationships, but I really would like to get to the bottom of what is going wrong for you in potions.' Severus paused and watched the boy carefully. He was clearly still emotionally wrought and this was a Potter he didn't know how to deal with. Defiant he was used to.

No, not defiant, he corrected himself; scared, All these years, scared of him.

'You were attempting to explain how you get distracted in class and I don't believe I allowed you to finish. Perhaps you could try again and I will attempt to temper my usual...' Severus struggled for the words.

The boy smiled faintly and Severus wondered just how many words the teenager had come up with silently just now.

Harry took a deep breath and attempted to explain.

'Potions is the one class where the house rivalries are...difficult,' he said tentatively. 'There is always someone trying to sabotage someone else's work or an argument going on. I just find it really difficult to concentrate and I know that you...'

Harry bit his lip and looked at the professor anxiously who nodded to indicate he should continue.

'I know that you don't like me very much, 'cause I look like my dad and all...and that makes me nervous when you come round to look at our work and I lose my place...'

'Is that what happened today?' Snape asked quietly and after a moments hesitation, the boy nodded.

Severus listened to the boy in mounting confusion. Where was the thirst to prove the evil potions master wrong, that had gotten so many pupils through potions in the past? This wasn't Longbottom sat in front of him; it was Harry Potter, who had fought Basilisks and faced the dark lord on five separate occasions.

'So Potter; we have established that house rivalries and your nervousness of me are not helping matters but I must confess I am finding this difficult to fully understand. You have other practical lessons with Slytherin that according to your school reports, you do well in. Do you not suffer the same distractions in those classes?'

'That's different!' the boy exclaimed, and Severus could hear the frustration in his voice.

He laid his hand on Harry's arm in an attempt to comfort.

'Harry, I'm not trying to catch you out. I genuinely want to help you with this. I realize the significance potions has in your career choice so if we can fix this, it will benefit both of us.' Severus sighed as the tearful boy in front of him shrugged in a defeated way.

'Well lets focus on today shall we? Your potion work seemed to be going well until one particular point?'

Harry nodded. 'The vervain. I kept missing the right point to add it.'

'You missed this three times so it was obviously more than the fact that I was prowling in the background. Did you not understand the instructions in your book?'

'Yes but, well this is what I mean about potions being different.' Harry sighed and took a deep drink of his tea, drying to stay calm so that he could explain. 'I'm fine with potions where the tempo doesn't change because it doesn't matter if I get distracted, I can just....sir?'

Harry paused as his professors head had shot up and the man was looking at him with startled eyes.

'What did you just say?' Snape snapped and Harry felt himself lean back into the headboard.

'I...erm...sir?'

'You said that the tempo changed? What did you mean by that?'

Harry swallowed nervously. Snape had leant forward and was now sitting on the edge of his seat, looking at him with an intenseness that was quite alarming.

'Well, you know sir? The rhythm of the potion, it changes midway in this one.'

'Where?' the professor asked quietly. 'Where does it change?'

Harry paused to think, Snape didn't look mad so maybe he wasn't being stupid after all. He remembered back to the disastrous first attempt this morning.

Erm...after the comfrey I think; yeah, you add the comfrey and stir it four times and then it simmers for a while. After about a minute the rhythm changes and everything speeds up. I was OK until then but if I got nervous at any point after that it was like I missed the wave and I couldn't catch up.'

There was a minute of quiet whilst Harry looked nervously at his professor. Snape was watching him wide eyed and Harry wasn't sure if the man was about to ask more questions or just yell. He wasn't expecting the slow smile that spread across the professors face or the small chuckle.

Severus closed his eyes and leant back in the chair with a deep sigh.

'Bloody hell!' he whispered through another chuckle whilst Harry watched with mounting confusion. Once he had got himself back under control Severus opened his eyes and turned to face the rather nervous looking boy.

'I think we have discovered the problem Potter,' he said wryly and Harry sat forward in interest.

'The 'tempo' you are describing is what potions master call 'attunement resonance'.'

'I haven't heard of that before sir.'

Severus laughed and ran a shaky hand through his hair. 'No Potter, you wouldn't have. It's not something that is taught to school students. It's not a term you would even hear until well into a potions masters training and that's because few wizards can do it?'

'Can do what?'

'Sense the rhythm of a potion Potter. Your little 'problem' as we shall call it, is that you are sensing something that none of your classmates are and you have been trying to brew your potions at a level more advanced that most of the potions masters in this country.'

Harry's eyes widened. 'You mean I'm not,...I'm not meant to be feeling for the right moment to add stuff.'

Snape laughed bitterly. 'No Potter, you are meant to be following the instructions and taking your best guess like everyone else in your class.'

'Just guess! That doesn't sound very good. I don't think I would like doing that.'

The professor looked at the outraged expression on Harry's face with amusement.

'..and that, Mr Potter is the frustration of every potions master who finds themselves teaching in a school or working in a busy lab. It is impossible to stay attuned when surrounded by other people. That is why the potions you brew in school are not ones that require you to be sensitive to the magical energies. It's no different than cooking really.'

Harry groaned and buried his head in his hands, his words muffled through his fingers.

'I never understood how everyone else could do it. How they could all keep mucking around and still get it right.'

'Few of your peers ever get it right Potter, but almost right is good enough at this level. Very few students have any sense of the subtleties of brewing.'

Harry sat back up, a wry smile on his face.

'You said that the first day,' and at Snape's questioning frown. 'My first class in first year, you said you didn't expect many of us to understand the subtle art that is potion making but for the select few that possess the predisposition you could teach us how to brew fame, bottle glory and even...'

'Potter!' The professor interrupted, his face blank. 'I remember that day, I gave you detention.'

'Yes, I remember that sir. For not paying attention,' the boy said bitterly.

'How do you remember.....? You were doodling on your notebook.'

'I was writing down what you were saying!' Harry snapped, the first sign of temper showing itself.

Severus sighed and leant back against the back of the chair. He had given that speech to every first year class he had ever taught but had never had a student quote it back at him before; Never mind a student he had promptly punished for actually taking notes.

He looked up at the boy who was scowling back at him and said quietly.

'Sorry doesn't seem to be enough somehow, does it?'

Harry's scowl cleared and he looked down.

'What happens now sir, I mean once term starts?'

'We could try a fresh start? Do you think you could give me that?'

The boy looked up hopefully and that somehow made Severus feel worse. The brat should be furious with him; not looking at him with those green eyes full of pleading as if he'd just been offered a bag of sweets.

Definitely Lily's child, he thought with a heavy heart. She was too forgiving as well.

'Well at least I know how to help you get through potions now. I can teach you an exercise that will allow you to ignore....,' Severus stopped mid sentence and groaned heavily. 'Dammit!' he swore with feeling.

'Professor?'

Snape was looking at him with such a stricken expression on his face that Harry moved cautiously to the side of the bed and lowered his legs to the floor.

'Sir, are you all right?'

'Oh Harry,' he whispered and touched the boys arm lightly. 'This gift you have, it means you are very sensitive to outside magical energies and it is almost impossible for you to block them. You will have to learn a type of redirection so that you can feel them but not be influenced.'

'I don't understand,' Harry questioned. Why was his professor so upset?

'This is a very rare skill Harry and I couldn't have known, but.....' he paused and looked straight into the boys puzzled eyes. 'There is no way you could have mastered occlumency with me last year. Not using those methods.'

Severus saw the shocked realization in the boys eyes and had to resist the urge to reach out to him.

'You mean...it wasn't my fault?' he whispered hoarsely and Severus shook his head.

He watched with horror as the boy seemed to crumble before him and without realising he had moved, found himself sat beside Harry, an arm around the boys shoulders. Had he traumatized him that badly with those awful lessons?

Harry's shoulders shook as great, heaving sobs tore through his body. He couldn't have stopped it; it wasn't his fault!

'I thought...,' he sobbed. 'I thought I killed him; that if I'd tried harder...'

Severus felt his gut tighten in anguish. The boy believed that Black had died because of him. He tightened his hold on Harry's shoulders and spoke urgently and what he hoped was gently into the boys ear.

'Sirius Black was a grown man who knew the risks when he left the house that day. You were caught by an elaborate trap that we all should have anticipated and prevented.' He sighed heavily. ' I know the headmaster greatly regrets not having explained his concerns to you directly and I too wish I had...acted differently. You did not kill your godfather Harry. You must believe me on this.'

The boys sobs increased and Severus sat quietly beside him, hoping that his words had gotten through and today's revelations had helped in some way.

When Harry's cries had calmed to a few sniffs, Severus moved away and returned with a wet cloth and some tissues. He let Harry clean himself up and then returned to sit in the chair, pulling it close enough that he could keep a hand on the boys arm. Eventually, the child sat up and looking much younger than his sixteen years smiled weakly at him.

'Thanks sir,' he whispered and Severus nodded.

'This had been a difficult day Harry and I apologize for that. Are you feeling calmer?'

'Yeah, I'm hungry,' he added with a laugh and Severus smiled wryly. 'I'm not surprised, you ran way without eating any of your lunch. Did you have breakfast with the others?'

Harry shook his head. 'I overslept!'

The professor frowned. 'If we were in term, I would take points for missing two meals in a row. Don't let it happen again.'

'No sir.'

They made eye contact and both smiled weakly.

'Can I try the potion again sir? Maybe tomorrow?' he asked hopefully and the professors smiled increased.

'I rather think you might be busy tomorrow Harry.'

Harry frowned.

'It's Christmas day, Harry! You know, presents, cake and nauseating sentimentality.'

Harry's eyebrows almost disappeared under his fringe. 'It's Christmas eve?!'

'Yes Potter, it is. Welcome to the same calender as the rest of us. I believe the Hufflepuff's have a party planned this evening in their common room in place of the normal dinner, so why don't you get yourself cleaned up and head down there? Make sure you remember a baggy jumper.'

Harry nodded and stood, wiping his face vigorously on a tissue.

'Thank you sir,' he said quietly and to Severus's surprise, the teenager leant forward and gave him an awkward hug before disappearing off into his bathroom.

Severus watched Harry go and walked slowly back to the dungeon, his thoughts reeling. Was it worrying that he felt a sense of loss walking away from the boy? That for once the thought of Christmas eve alone in his kitchen did not seem very appealing?

)O(