The word ‘safe', written by the hand of Draco Malfoy was not something Harry considered that he would ever care about, never mind that it had come by way of owl in the middle of the night tapping on his window in secret. Harry had snatched the scrap of parchment away from the owl and then hurried it back out the window, careful not to wake the other occupant of the four story house. No, it wouldn't do at all to wake him up only to find out Harry had been in contact with the boy he'd help escape.

Harry proceeded to rip the parchment into tiny little shreds before sticking some of it in his pocket and then making his way to the bathroom where he hoped to flush them down the loo, erasing all evidence of his contact with Draco. Stealthily he crept down the hall, and was just reaching for the bathroom door handle when the hall light flipped on, and Harry froze, spying Sirius at the end leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

"Going somewhere Harry?"

Harry stood straight. "Have to pee," he said, schooling his face blank.

Sirius pushed off the wall and came towards Harry, who held his ground despite his desire to flee. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia may have withheld food from him and made him do a lot of chores, but the one boundary they had never crossed was physical punishment of any kind. They'd even refrained from spanking him as a small child, afraid that his magic would have some sort of backlash on them. Harry would have never thought Sirius capable of crossing said boundary, but he'd found out different since he'd come to stay with him a month before, at the end of his fifth year at Hogwarts.

"Really? I didn't think you'd had that much to drink at dinner."

"I can just go back to my room-" Harry said, motioning back down the hallway, but Sirius stalled him.

"Thought you had to use the bathroom."

Harry stilled, and turned back to his godfather. "I do."

"Better go then before you wet yourself," he said, and pushed the bathroom door open. "Then go back to bed so you won't be tired in the morning."

Feeling tense, Harry did as he was told and made his way past Sirius and into the bathroom where he closed and locked the door. Unsure if Sirius was listening outside the door or not, Harry used the toilet and then hurriedly threw the parchment shreds into the bowl and flushed it, watching with some satisfaction as the pieces disappeared for good.

As he stood in front of the sink, he looked into the mirror and felt guilty and sick all over again about the black eye and bruise on his chin. He knew there were several bruises on his torso and arms as well, although he'd been wearing long sleeve shirts to cover them up since he'd received them three days ago. After hearing a noise in the hall announcing that Sirius was still there, Harry quickly washed his hands, and then opened the door and went back to his room under Sirius' watchful eye. Once inside he locked his door and climbed into bed, determined to flush the rest of Draco's note away tomorrow morning, or else devour it lest he suffer more of his Godfather's wrath.

* * *

True to Draco's word, Snape had come snooping around when Draco hadn't replied to any of the man's owls. Severus Snape had protested Draco being placed with Harry and Sirius at the start of the summer, but had little to no say in the matter. Despite the fact that Snape was Draco's godfather, Dumbledore had been insistent that he not take custody of Draco after his father was arrested in the Department of Mysteries and his mother disappeared, to allay suspicion from the Ministry of Magic that Snape was somehow involved in the matter.

It had been four days since Harry had helped Draco out the window in the middle of the night on his broom, and now there was Snape knocking on the door, demanding to be let in.

"Not a word," Sirius reminded Harry, who was sitting on the couch, black eye and all, and Harry nodded obediently. He could hear Sirius making his way to the front door, but his mind was back on the night his world had tilted on end yet again.

‘What about you? He'll know you've helped me,' Draco said one leg hanging outside the window up on the third floor, Harry's broom hovering just within reach.

‘I'll be fine, he wouldn't hurt me.' Harry would have liked to have believed it was true, but after seeing Sirius deny Draco food, work him hard with chores, and then hit him over any small offense, Harry was no longer as certain. Despite any hard feelings the two had harbored towards each other over the years, they had banded together secretly at 12 Grimmuald Place, Harry sneaking food and medicine to Draco when he could, and helping him with an escape plan.

"I am here to see Draco." Harry snapped out of the memory as Snape walked into the living room and Sirius tried to restrain himself at the intrusion. His eyes flitted back and forth between the two men, who stood tensely facing each other.

"He's sleeping," Sirius lied easily. "He was up all night polishing that broom of his."

Snape narrowed his eyes at his schoolyard enemy, and then gazed past him to Harry. Sirius turned too and gave Harry a smile that Harry almost thought was real. There were times he would have believed it was. Sirius came and stood behind the couch, where he couldn't see Harry's face, and Snape turned his glare on Harry.

"What happened to you Potter?"

"Oh, wouldn't you know? He fell down the stairs trying to get away from your godson, who was getting ready to strike him."

Suddenly wishing he had stuck with Occlumency last year and had perhaps learned some Legilimency as well, Harry looked straight into the Potion's Master's eyes and gave the slightest shake of his head as he said, "Yes sir. Draco was getting ready to hit me." Harry had no idea if Snape had got his message or not that this was all a façade, because next second Snape was ignoring him again and demanding to see Draco.

"I have a right to see him," he finally said after a few minutes of arguing back and forth with Sirius. "Unless you'd like me to bring Dumbledore into it."

Harry glanced at Sirius, and could tell he didn't like being threatened in his own home. "Fine," he said. "I'll go and try to wake him, but if he doesn't want to see you, it's not my fault, and then you can tend to his whining when I dump a bucket of cold water over his head." He turned and practically stomped off up the stairs. When he was gone, Snape turned on Harry.

"What do you have to say for yourself?"

Harry turned from his spot on the couch and peered up the stairs to be sure Sirius was really gone. Likely he had a few minutes as Sirius pretended to be upstairs waking a nonexistent Draco.

"Not here," Harry said, standing quickly. He lead off into the hall and then to the kitchen, which he felt was more guarded from eavesdropping by all the stone surrounding it. The second Snape was inside, Harry closed the door and turned to face his Professor.

"Draco's gone. He escaped four nights ago."

"What are you babbling about Potter?"

"He's not upstairs, I swear. He's gone. Sirius was hitting him and he wasn't getting fed every day. He snapped Draco's broom in half and set his familiar loose."

"And I'm just to believe you?"

Harry stilled to listen for a moment to be sure Sirius hadn't come back downstairs, and then pointed to his eye. "Do you think Draco's stupid enough to do this with Sirius around? Sirius was... he was really mad when he found out I'd helped Draco."

Snape turned to leave, but Harry panicked and said, "I won't tell you where he's gone unless you take me with you." He was breathing hard now, and Snape turned to look at him once more.

"What did you say to me Potter?"

"Draco said you'd come for him. I- You have to take me with you."

"I have to do no such thing."

Harry lifted his shirt then and Snape took half a step back at the sight of the mottled bruises covering Harry's body. "Draco was ten times worse than this when he left," Harry said, dropping his shirt. "He could barely stand. I know where he's gone, and I'm not telling, unless you take me away from here."

Silence hung between them as Harry breathed hard, and Snape kept his eyes narrowed. Whatever he was thinking was broken by the sound of someone coming back down the stairs, and Severus leapt forward, seizing Harry's wrist before he hurried them both back out of the kitchen and through the front door. On the step they apparated and were gone, leaving Harry's belongings, and the pieces of Harry's heart behind them.

* * *

"Where is he Potter?"

The second they'd landed with a thud in some distant, deserted alley, Snape was there angrily demanding to know where Draco was. What must it be like to have someone to come for you, to be so certain that someone loved you enough to come and find you no matter what.

"You'll leave me here if I tell you," Harry said, uncertainty flooding him. He had his wand, but only because he'd managed to sneak it out of Sirius' room and downstairs with him that morning when Sirius had gone to take a shower. His other belongings all lay behind him in a house he hoped never to return to again.

"You are an insolent brat Potter, and it is likely you deserved whatever you got. I am not entirely sure I believe your story, and have just committed kidnapping based on said uncertainty. For all I know I have just left Draco in that house alone."

Harry shook his head. "No, he's not there. But if I tell you, you have to take me with you."

"You are in no position to be making demands."

Feeling panicky again Harry cracked a little under the pressure of being abandoned to be found by Sirius and taken back, and yelled, "HE'LL FIND ME!" Breathing hard, he reached up and pulled at his hair a little on one side and turned away from yet another adult that cared nothing about him or his safety.

"He Who Must Not Be Named?"

Biting his lip, back still to Snape, Harry said quietly, "Sirius. He'll find me." He'd beaten Harry so severely that first night for helping Draco escape that Harry thought he'd die of shame and injury right there on the floor next to his bed. If Sirius could do that to him, then anybody could, but that was a thought he pushed back down inside of himself as he tried to deal with the man standing behind him.

"Tell me where Draco is, and I will take you with me, to ensure you have given me the correct information."

Harry turned, and Severus noticed the distressed nature the boy had worked himself into. Quietly Harry said, "Draco said something about a cabin out in the middle of nowhere. He said his grandfather used to take him fishing there."

"Where is this cabin?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me exactly just in case Sirius forced the answer out of me."

Snape cursed softly then and turned in his own frustration. Damn the brat for promising to lead him to Draco when he didn't know how to.

"Come here."

Harry did as he was told, although hesitantly, and Snape grabbed his arm, making him wince because there was a bruise there.

"I must talk to someone. You are to keep your mouth closed regardless of what questions are asked of you, understood?" Harry nodded and Snape aimed his wand at him causing Harry's face to transform into someone less notable in public, and then without warning they were gone again, apparating into the unknown.

They'd been traveling for days. It turned out that there were people scattered across the isles that owed Severus Snape a favor, but not many of them were able to give the man a suitable lead to follow about an old fishing cabin owned by Owen Malfoy, Draco's grandfather. They slept for only a few hours a night, in whatever dingy Muggle motel they could find, before setting off again. Harry hadn't been given the chance to say so, but he was just as worried as Snape was that Draco might still be terribly injured. Harry hadn't been lying when he'd told the man that he left ten times worse than Harry.

In their constant journeying, Harry was both blessed and cursed to see a side of Severus Snape he never knew existed. Snape cared so much for Draco that he called in favors from the lowest, and sometimes most deranged of people. He wandered across Britain and back, towing a zombie like teenager behind him every step of the way. He had yet to stop and tend to Harry's injuries, and seemed to care little if Harry had gotten enough to eat or enough sleep. He seemed in fact, to have one sole purpose now, and that was finding Draco.

Harry liked to think it was a blessing, to see good in a person he had previously thought completely contemptible, but it was a curse also. Everyone had someone to care for them, except Harry. The Dursleys had done the bare minimum to keep him alive, Sirius had betrayed him, and the Weasleys had declined to let Harry move in full time with them despite Ron's protests at how Harry was treated with the Dursleys. He'd even heard Hermione talking to Ron once about how she'd asked her parents to let Harry stay with them, but they'd said no as well. And then there was Dumbledore, who politely told Harry no each and every time he asked to stay at the castle. This year, the one year he'd not asked, Sirius had fought in his place to have him not return to the Dursleys, but it had turned out all the worse.

Of all the prayers Harry had ever prayed, this was the one that had been answered, he thought as he looked up at Snape, who was standing in a field staring off into the distance as the sun was setting on their third day away from Grimmuald Place. Harry had asked to escape the torment of a Godfather who claimed to love him... who'd gotten his hopes up, only to crush them into the ground. And God had sent him Snape. Who was Harry to complain then? He'd gotten what he'd wanted. Harry had learned long ago to live on what was sent to him. It was with this mindset that he walked up to stand next to Snape, a gentle breeze blowing through the golden field before them.

"We'll find him sir."

"What makes you so sure?"

Harry raised his wand. "I have an idea. Accio Harry Potter's Broom." He dropped his wand arm then and turned to Snape. "Keep track of how long it takes to get here, and from what direction."

Snape looked at Harry and shook his head, looking disgusted. "Get some sleep Potter," he said, indicating that this was where they were spending the night as the sun disappeared completely from the sky. Harry sat down on the ground, body tired and hurting, but he wouldn't be able to sleep this night. He knew Snape would leave him if he did. Harry hadn't slept in so long.

* * *

"Get up."

Harry startled at a gentle kick from his Professor, and sat up in the dark. He hadn't intended to fall asleep, but couldn't help it. He looked up into his Professor's wand light and saw his broom.

"One hour Potter, from the North." Harry struggled to stand up, and when he managed, Snape indicated he should climb onto the broom.

"If we apparated we will miss him. If we fly, we may just see the cabin."

"Shouldn't we wait until daylight?"

"No."

Harry climbed onto the broom and was surprised when Snape climbed on behind him, feeling suddenly uncomfortable being that close to him. He wasn't even sure the broom could lift them both, but it did rise slowly, and they headed off, Harry trying to allow the chill wind to keep him awake as they flew into the night.

After forty minutes Snape said, "There. We are over a lake, and there is a light in the distance." Harry squinted, his glasses not being quite what they should be, and was able to see a dim light on the edge of a black, glassy surface. They urged the broom faster, and were soon on the grass outside a tiny wooden cabin.

Snape withdrew his wand and crept up to the only window to peer inside. Without thought to Harry, he moved to the door and unlocked it, letting himself in and startling the single occupant.

"Uncle," Draco said from his spot on the floor on top of a ratty old blanket. "I knew you'd come for me."

Harry came and stood on the threshold, watching as Snape knelt to assess the damage to Draco's body, and set to work immediately healing him. Harry gave a little laugh to himself, drawing Draco's grateful gaze, and then went back outside into the cool night air. He had some things to think about, such as where he'd go from here. Now that he'd lived out his purpose to Snape, he was sure the man would leave him behind. Harry settled himself in some tall grass and lay back to look at the stars, broom cradled protectively to his chest. As crazy as it sounded, even in Harry's own ears, he thought to himself, ‘What I wouldn't give to be Draco right now," and then he fell into an uneasy sleep, feeling unguarded and uncertain. He dreamt that Sirius had found him, and was hauling him back to a depressing fate.

* * *

"No, NO!" Harry grappled with someone for a few moments, eyes closed, before he woke from his dream to find himself being held about the wrists by Draco, next to the cabin. Harry turned red and Draco let go of his wrists.

"You're still here," Harry said, throat sore and dry. He felt chilled too, having slept outside on the ground without a blanket, and his body ached worse for it.

"I didn't know where you'd gone," Draco said. "Uncle is inside fixing breakfast."

"Oh. Ok." Harry tried to get up off the ground but after falling twice, Draco helped him to his feet.

"What's wrong with you?" the blond asked, seeing Harry's black eye.

Harry weakly lifted his shirt and Draco looked away from the bruises.

"Uncle Snape didn't fix you up?"

Biting his lip Harry said, "He was fairly intent on finding you."

"Come on then." He helped Harry inside and to the table where there were two chairs, the only furniture in the cabin, which explained why Draco had been sleeping on the floor.

"Harry's hurt," Draco said, drawing a look from Snape who was at the counter frying three fish he'd summoned up out of the lake by wand.

"Then see to him," Snape said. Draco looked chagrined, but pulled his wand out and lifted the front of Harry's shirt up to no protest from Harry. He was weak and still very tired. "Integro. Integro. Integro," Draco said, touching the tip of his wand to different parts of what had become one large bruise. Harry glanced at Snape, who was not looking at them as Draco did his best to heal him with his limited healing spells.

"I heard this one enough last night to know how it works," Draco said with a smile. Harry put his head down on the table and allowed Draco to move on to the bruises on his back, which included a large boot print."

"He really went at you after I left, didn't he?"

Harry shuddered then in response, not liking to think about it, and Draco didn't bring it up again.

"Some of them are too bad for me to take care of," Draco said after a few more minutes, and Snape gave a nod.

"We will take care of them after breakfast." He conjured a third chair and then set down the three plates of fish. Feeling famished but too weak to lift is head off the table after such a journey in his state of mind and injury, Harry ignored the food, and mumbled something incoherent when Draco asked if he was ok. Mind feeling foggy, Harry was only vaguely aware that he was being lifted off the chair and laid on a cot that Snape had conjured for Draco in the night.

"He's burning up," Harry heard Draco say, voice tinged with worry, and then he fell unconscious, wonder in his thoughts that he had been sent someone who cared at least a little, despite being a foe in the past.

"Help me sit him up," Snape ordered Draco, who promptly did as he was told and moved to the head of the cot where he lifted Harry by the shoulders.

Snape waved his wand and kept enchanting something, but Harry wasn't listening. He was concentrating on trying to breath and ignoring the sound of the air laboring to get past his throat.

"What's wrong with him?" Draco asked, scared. His godfather ignored him for a few moments as he said another long healing spell, but when Harry finally drew in a long deep breath that reached his lungs, Snape let out a deep breath and motioned for Draco to let him back down.

"He had broken ribs. It appears that when he rolled off the cot a few minutes ago that one of them punctured his lung."

Harry was still sucking in deep breaths, trying to make sense of what was being said. He only remembered waking up face down on the floor. At first he thought he'd just gotten the wind knocked out of him, but had panicked when he couldn't get any air back.

"I have healed him to the best of my ability for the moment, but we still can't move him until his fever breaks, or apparation will only make it worse."

Harry felt nauseas and dizzy then as he lay there staring at the ceiling that seemed intent on spinning, and closed his eyes trying to block everything out.

"What do I have?" he asked.

"Probably pneumonia. Your immune system was weakened from the injuries and many days of travel."

"Is Draco ok?" Harry asked then. He really hadn't gotten a chance to talk to him since he'd sat at the table allowing Draco to heal him.

"I'm still a bit bruised," Draco said. "Uncle says we'll have to wait until we get back to the castle for some bruise balm. But other than that I'm ok."

"Good," Harry said.

Snape moved off to do something at the kitchen counter, and Draco brought a chair over to sit next to the cot.

"What happened after I left?"

Harry looked at him for a moment, and then looked away. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh," Draco paused, "ok."

Closing his eyes, Harry allowed himself to drift off into another uneasy sleep, tormented by nightmares of Sirius in his fever. In his dream, Harry sat in a shadow in timeout as Sirius threw nasty comments at him about being a death eater and a shame to his mother and father's memory. When Harry woke once again on the floor, and was lifted back onto the cot by Snape and Draco, he thought, ‘If I'm a shame to my parent's memory for helping somebody, than I'd rather not be their son.' It was a thought that only served to throw him further into the darkness he felt was engulfing him.

* * *

It was almost 12 hours before Harry's fever broke and he was helped to stand where he was allowed to lean weakly on Draco as Snape apparated them to the castle boundaries.

While Harry knew that Snape disliked him, and that the feeling had often been mutual, he felt bad that it seemed like Snape didn't want to touch him at all. Harry fell several times on their way to the castle, and Draco helped him up, sometimes struggling, but Snape never once made a move to help, several times even looking irritated that Harry was holding them up. By the time they made the Hospital Wing, where Snape deposited Harry and then left with Draco, apparently to heal him privately, Harry wasn't sure if he was more emotionally or physically exhausted. This was where Sirius would know to look for him, Harry thought, and the only two people Harry felt could protect him had just walked out the door.

As Madam Pomfrey gave Harry some medicine and administered bruise balm to a large portion of Harry's body, Harry wondered at how safe he had felt around Snape. Draco he could understand... he felt like he'd relied on him somewhat at Grimmuald Place during the month they'd spent there together, but Snape? Snape had gotten him out of there... a prayer answered, he reminded himself, and then healed Harry at the cabin, although reluctantly and probably at Draco's insistence.

Before Madam Pomfrey left, Harry asked what other staff were in the castle, and she told him only Professor Snape. Dumbledore was in another country as was McGonagall, and the other professors were with their families. Even Hagrid was gone, although Madam Pomfrey wasn't sure to where.

"I'll be leaving as well tomorrow morning. There's training I have to attend at St. Mungos. It's lucky you got here when you did," she told him, and then went to her office.

Sirius will find me, Harry told himself, alone again in the quiet ward. It was a certainty. He lay there awake, trying to formulate some sense of security for himself, but there was none. Sirius would find him, and he would be angry. Harry hugged himself, but it didn't help.

* * *

Harry had tried sitting alone to eat breakfast at the Great Hall, he really had, but all he could feel was exposed, and had not been able to eat anything that the elves had made for him for the fear that had taken permanent hold over his heart. His eyes had remained glued to the door, and his wand out under the table. Madam Pomfrey had released him and then left for her three weeks of training. Harry assumed Draco and Snape had either already eaten, or had left him there by himself in the castle, and he felt truly alone.

After sitting in the Great Hall for 20 minutes without even serving himself, Harry had startled at a noise somewhere in the distance, and jumped up from the table. Afraid that Sirius had finally come to the castle to look for him, he hurried out the teacher's entrance behind the staff table and disappeared up to his dormitory in Gryffindor tower, where he warded the door shut and sat huddled on the bed.

It was an hour before Harry moved, letting his eyes leave the door. He had to pee for one thing, and for another, he couldn't just sit there all day without doing anything. Eyes scanning the room he spied a book Ron had left on their shared desk. Across the room was an old Poster of Dean's depicting Muggles playing football, and on Seamus' nightstand there was another book which looked like a worn novel.

Sighing Harry wondered how much longer he could deny his bladder. He'd have to venture out and to the bathroom eventually, but all he could think about was that last night at Grimmuald place, where he'd tried to sneak to the bathroom, only to get caught by Sirius who'd been lurking at the end of the hall just waiting for him.

Sirius never did go after Draco once he left, Harry tried to reassure himself, but in the last few weeks since he'd started to see Sirius Black's true side, Harry's own assurances had never done much of anything for him.

Wand out, Harry rushed to the bathroom just outside the 6th year boy's dorm room and up one flight of stairs, and then back down into his room, locking the door and spelling it shut behind him. He was feeling panicky after his quick jaunt out from the safety, but he couldn't help it. Feeling a little relieved now that it was over and done with, Harry investigated the book Ron had left. It was the fifth year Potions text they'd come to despise together. Harry had just barely scraped by with his OWLs enough to continue on with NEWT Potions. Ron had not. Deciding to ignore that book, Harry went to look at the novel and found that it held little interest for him either, being about a Muggle who fought crime in the night while wearing a mask. He was surprised Seamus had had any interest in it at all and thought it likely that Dean had given it to him.

There is an entire library of books you can read, Harry thought, but that would require leaving the dorm, and he didn't want to do that alone.

Almost as if in answer to an unspoken prayer, there was a knock on the door. Harry stiffened briefly until he heard Draco's voice on the other side.

"Harry, are you in there?"

Harry unspelled the door and opened it to find Draco looking curious on the other side.

"Maybe," Harry said.

"I uh, I went to the Great Hall for breakfast but you weren't in there. It'll be boring hanging ‘round the castle for the rest of the summer. We might as well find something to do."

"Like? Your broom is gone along with the rest of my things." Harry held up his arms to show he was still in the same pair of clothes he'd been in for days now.

"Well we're not restricted to the castle are we? We might as well go buy you some new clothes in Hogsmead."

Harry fidgeted with his fingers. "We're not?"

"I've never been when I've stayed over part of the summer before."

Harry felt like he'd been struck. "You've stayed the summer before?"

"Sometimes father was away on business and mother was visiting family in France or other countries and I didn't want to go, so I stayed here with Uncle Severus while he was finishing up coursework for the next term."

How many times had Harry asked to stay and been denied? And here Draco had been allowed just because he didn't want to go to France?

"C'mon, we can go to the Gringotts office and get some of your money and then get some new clothes. I've need to order a new broom anyway and for that I'll need a catalog."

Harry nodded hesitantly, not wanting to go anywhere where Sirius might be able to get to him, but felt better about Draco going with him. He half hoped that Draco was just extending an invitation to an outing hosted by Snape, because that would be even safer, but it looked as though it would just be the two of them.

They were quiet down through the castle and across the grounds until they hit the road to town.

"How'd you get into Gryffindor tower anyhow?" Harry asked.

"They reset the house passwords during the summer. It's the same one for every house every year."

"Oh." Well that made Harry feel a whole lot better. Sirius would likely know about this and know how to get right into Gryffindor tower.

They reached Hogsmead without any crazed godfathers of interest leaping out from the forest to detain them, although Harry was still on edge when they reached the Gringotts office and Harry asked for a transfer of some funds. From there they headed to the only clothing store in town and Harry set to work quickly rebuilding his wardrobe as Draco purchased and poured over several Quidditch magazines.

"You know Potter, I think I'll buy this one. That broom of yours just seemed a little too rusty for my taste."

Harry turned from the shirt rack to look at the picture Draco was pointing at. The caption read, ‘Lightning Bolt.'

"Sirius bought mine," Harry said dully, turning away.

"Oh, well then, you'll need a new one too," Draco said.

Harry scoffed. "Like I've money for that." He pointed to the price tag in the magazine. "See, 40 Galleons."

"Not if you trade in your old one," Draco said. "They're bound to knock off at least half."

Harry purchased his clothing and after a brief stop at Honeydukes for more candy than Draco could carry on his own, they made their way back up to the castle, Harry still looking over his shoulder as often as he could manage without looking strange to Draco.

Back in Harry's dormitory Draco sat on Harry's bed as Harry put his new clothing away.

"See, I'll get the Lightning Bolt and you can trade that ratty old broom of yours in for the Cleansweep 9000."

Harry laughed then. "A Cleansweep?"

"No," Draco corrected him, "A Cleensweep 9000."

"I'll never win a match again."

"Exactly." Draco grinned and Harry came over to snatch the magazine away from him.

"Give me that." He plopped down in the desk chair and flipped through the pages. "No, I think I'll have the Blue Zephyr."

Draco peered at the page Harry was looking at and ogled a little. "It's an extra ten galleons. I thought you said you didn't have money for that."

"Well for an extra leg up on you this season I'll work it off."

"Doing what? There's no work to be had at Hogwarts."

Harry thought for a few minutes and then said, "I can brew potions and send them away by owl. A mail order business. Hermione said she read something about the apothecary in Diagonalley accepting potions. Maybe I can do business with the one in Hogsmead."

Draco laughed then, surprising Harry.

"What?" Harry asked.

"You? Brewing potions? Uncle Snape would have a fit. I saw your OWL scores when they came in, remember?"

"Well, maybe I can just brew the easy ones."

"Maybe you can just buy the Cleansweep," Draco said then, and Harry tossed the magazine at him, making Draco laugh again.

* * *

Try as he might, Harry could not fall asleep in his bed, even with the hangings closed and warded shut. Sirius had managed to get into the castle in the middle of the term during their third year, and waltz right into their dormitory where he proceeded to slice Ron's curtains to shreds in search of Peter Pettigrew.

Every noise the castle made in the darkness set Harry's senses tingling. Every stray shadow made Harry feel panicky. Finally around two in the morning, exhausted and feeling jittery from the overflow of adrenaline and stray emotions, Harry climbed under his bed with his pillow and cast a spell around the perimeter to keep intruders out. He didn't know why he'd be any safer under here than up on top of the bed, but he did, at least enough to fall into a fitful sleep.

"Come in Draco," Severus said, setting his quill down on his desk. With the castle empty there were only two people it could be on the other side, and he doubted very much Potter would come to see him. As far as he was concerned Potter was to blame for the injuries that had befallen Draco, and Potter must have known it as well. Draco had not yet given him the full story, but he was sure it entailed Potter causing the start of the trouble.

Draco opened the door and came in, and the look on his face explained why the knock had sounded... off. Perhaps more gentle than normal.

"Uncle Severus?"

"Yes?" He leaned back in his chair and laced his fingers together in his lap. Severus wanted the child to know he had his full attention, especially after what he'd been through in the past months, essentially losing both parents to this war, and then being tormented, beaten, and starved by a mad man.

When Draco failed to take his usual seat in the more worn of the two visitor's chairs, Severus raised a brow, prompting Draco to speak.

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

"I'm listening."

Draco hesitated before continuing on. "You know I've been hanging around with Harry the last few days."

"I am aware." Why, he would probably never understand. Despite any guilt the Potter boy may have felt after causing Draco so much trouble, it would not suffice as an apology nor a free pass out of the trouble he'd gotten Draco into.

"Well, I think he's having a really hard time with... you know. All of this."

"Draco, have a seat." He motioned to the chair, and Draco finally sat down.

Severus wanted to stop the conversation here, but Draco hadn't really talked about what had happened since they'd found him. He'd given a very general summary of events, but nothing concrete. Severus did not want to forestall anything Draco might need to say about his experience.

Scratching his head, Draco said, "He's really Jittery, you know. I think he thinks Black will come after him."

Severus remembered what Potter had shouted after being apparated away, about Black finding him, but he hadn't thought much of it. Likely Harry had gotten into a scuffle with Draco over something or had angered Sirius and gotten a good grounding and didn't want to be caught and made to complete said punishment.

"I'm sure Potter will be fine," he finally said, seeing that Draco was waiting for a response.

"I don't know. You should have seen him when we went to Hogsmead for clothes. He looked over his shoulder about every ten seconds. And-" he paused, making Severus narrow his eyes.

"And what Draco?"

Draco bit his lip and Severus knew from the nervous habit that his godson was uncertain about something, perhaps even concerned.

"I go up to the Gryffindor dorms to get him sometimes. Usually he's got the door warded closed. That's ok I guess, but twice now I went up in the morning before he was awake, and he wasn't in his bed."

"And this is abnormal how?"

"Well at first I just thought I'd missed him, but then I saw his foot sticking out from under his bed. I got down on the floor to look, and he was sleeping under there with his pillow."

"And what did Mr. Potter have to say about this?" It was definitely a curiosity. Even in the summer the floor would be hard and cold, and not conducive to sleeping.

"I left before he woke up and went back later. I never asked him about it."

"And what do you have to say about it?"

"I think he's scared of Black. I mean... you saw how bad he was. And he kept having nightmares in the cabin."

"He was delirious. A fever often induces nightmares."

"Still. You don't- you don't know what it was like being there with that raving lunatic." Here Draco shuddered as he looked up into his godfather's eyes. "I'd hate to think what all he did to Harry when he found out that Harry'd helped me."

"Certainly not worse than was done to you."

"I don't know," Draco said. "I hate that bastard, but I'm not scared of him. But look at Harry."

Severus brought a hand up to his temple to rub it. He would really like to just dismiss this here and now and think no further on it, but his godson was still sitting there looking at him expectantly. He would be remiss in his duties as the boy's godfather and guardian if he did not look into it, if for no other reason than he did not want to make Draco think that his opinions and feelings counted for nothing.

"I will... look into it," he finally said, and a relieved look swept over Draco's face.

"Just look at him next time you see him. Watch how he acts."

Severus gave a nod and then Draco left. If anybody else had asked him to reconsider his feelings about Harry bloody Potter, even the headmaster (who had often done so) he would have ignored said request. But Draco was the closest thing he had to a son, and he would not disappoint him. The boy had suffered enough disappointments in his life.

* * *

To the casual observer, it would have been obvious that Harry was struggling with something big. Severus Snape was not just a casual observer however. In fact he was an observer with a mission: watch Harry Potter (briefly) just so that he could tell Draco he'd done it for him. It was with this mission in mind that he attended dinner that night instead of taking the meal in his quarters.

Draco and Harry were already sitting in the Entrance Hall when he arrived, sweeping in quietly as he observed the pair. Draco was on one side of the table, chatting about something Quidditch related as he ate steak and kidney pie, and Potter was on the other side, head down and eyes averted, thus not noticing the arrival of their Potion's Master.

"Draco."

Harry startled violently at the unexpected voice, jumping on his seat as he looked for the sound of the voice. Upon seeing that it was only his Potion's Master wearing a curious look on his face, he calmed a little and his cheeks tinged red.

"Mr. Potter," Severus said, sitting beside Draco at the Ravenclaw student table. He rarely sat at the student tables, but occasionally the Headmaster held staff meetings in the Great Hall in the early morning hours, usually at Hufflepuff table.

"Hello sir," Harry said quietly, going back to observing his mostly empty plate.

Severus served himself a healthy portion of food as he engaged Draco in conversation about a broom he wanted to purchase with money out of the Malfoy vault, all the while watching as Harry picked at his food, not taking more than three bites.

"Harry... you ok?"

Harry and Severus both looked up at Draco's question.

"Just not feeling well is all," Harry said rubbing one side of his face.

"Are you sick again?"

"I don't think so. I think I'll go to bed early tonight though." He stood up from the table and said, "Excuse me," before hurrying off and out of the hall. Severus did not fail to notice the wand the boy kept out and at his side.

"He doesn't eat much," Draco said when he was sure Harry was gone. "It's always like this now."

"Most likely a ploy for attention," Severus said, but even as he said it he wasn't sure if he believed it in full. Potter was an attention seeker, that he was sure of, but to carry on like this for nearly a week to gain the attention of Draco, his longtime schoolyard enemy? Perhaps this was something worth looking into a little more.

"Do not worry yourself over this anymore," Severus tried to reassure Draco. "It will be taken care of."

Draco nodded a silent thanks. He wanted to believe it, he really did. Uncle Severus had never let him down before, but would he let Harry down? It was a possibility given the dislike they had for each other, much as Draco had once had.

* * *

Harry had told Draco that he wasn't sick, but it had been a lie. As soon as he was out of the Great Hall he'd hurtled through the Entrance Hall and up the stairs to the nearest boy's loo, where he had up with the small amount of dinner he had eaten. Alone in the stall by himself, once again warded against dangerous intruders, Harry gave a single sob. He didn't know what was wrong with him or why he had to feel this way. He felt sickened with himself, and broken at the same time. Draco had been hit and punished, but he wasn't wallowing around in self-pity or loathing. No, there was definitely something wrong with him, just Harry. Why else would Dumbledore deny him the chance to stay at the castle every year? Why else would the Weasleys decide not to take him in? Why else would Sirius wail on him until he cried, and then wail on him some more?

* * *

"Potter?"

Harry looked up from where he stared out the window towards the Quidditch pitch.

"Yes sir?"

"I would like to have some words with you."

"Oh... ok." Harry followed him at a distance down through the castle, but was surprised when they turned left to go into the Great Hall instead of right to go down into the Dungeons.

"Have a seat Potter."

Harry wanted desperately to sit facing the door, but Snape had already taken a seat facing the door and it would be too awkward to go and sit right next to him. He carefully took a seat facing Snape, and could not resist the urge to look back over his shoulder.

"I would like to know what happened during your stay at Grimmuald Place."

Harry met his eyes briefly, and then looked down at the table. He probably wanted to know what had happened to Draco, and Harry wondered then if he'd go after Sirius to take some sort of revenge. Harry didn't know if he wanted that or not, but did know that he just wanted to have done with this whole ordeal and not think about it anymore.

"I went to stay with Sirius. I'd only been there a few days when Professor Dumbledore dropped Draco off. Sirius gave him the room next to mine. Draco wasn't happy about it at first, but he just stayed in his room mostly. It was a few days before things started to get... bad."

"Continue."

Harry looked up when Snape had spoken, and then faltered, remembering once again who he was talking to. This man cared nothing for him. No, he would just give a brief rundown of events and have done with it, he told himself.

"Draco slept late one morning, and Sirius said he could just miss breakfast... but he meant for good. Draco threw a fit so Sirius set him to chores, but when Draco missed lunch the next day because he was doing chores, Sirius said he could just miss lunch permanently as well. I tried taking extra food to him to keep with him but Sirius found out and put a ward on the kitchen so no food could leave it.

"I doubt very much that you tried to help Draco, but by all means Potter, do continue." His tone was condescending, and Harry faltered again as he looked up, and then back down to the table. His throat tightened, but not with anger. He wasn't sure if it was fear or not, but he didn't like the feeling.

"Draco got really weak, and if he slept too late, Sirius started to hit him. One day he had to spend the whole day in bed because Sirius had hit him in the stomach hard and he was too sick to get up. I did some of his chores so he wouldn't have to do so many the next day, but Sirius made him do them all anyway. I wasn't allowed to help. Sirius made me stay with him and play... play board games while Draco was cleaning."

Snape made a comment about how Harry must have enjoyed sitting there playing games all day, but Harry wasn't listening very well or perhaps he could have mustered some anger to ward off the other feelings beginning to overtake him. His story was nearing an end, which meant more unpleasant thoughts were swarming near the surface of his mind.

Looking down at his hands, he realized they were shaking under the table, and the rest of his body felt shaky as well. "It got real bad for Draco, and one day we knew he couldn't keep going like that. Sirius had already broken his broom and set his owl loose. He hadn't been fed at all in three days. So, so that's when I gave him my broom and he climbed out my window, because his windows were warded shut."

Severus listened intently. Draco had still not spoken much of his ordeal, and while Severus doubted the authenticity of some of the details of Potter's story, he was gaining an inside look into his godson's summer thus far.

"What happened after that?" At least he could tell Draco that he had talked to Harry, Severus thought as the boy gave another uneasy look over his shoulder to the door. He was reminded of Harry doing the same thing sitting on the couch back at Grimmuald Place.

"You came to find Draco and apparated me away."

"What happened between Draco escaping and me coming to look for him."

Severus didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't the way Potter acted next. Instead of answering he tilted his head a little and rubbed one hand up along the side of his face hard, tangling his fingers in his hair as his hand came back down. He refused to look anywhere but a specific spot on the table, although Severus was sure the boy wasn't seeing it.

"Potter?"

Harry looked up, and Severus did notice Harry's shaking hands now. "Sir?"

"What happened between those times?"

"Nothing sir," Harry said, swallowing hard. If Snape had cared at all he would have asked in the first place... would have healed Harry on their journey to find Draco. No, Harry couldn't give him any ammunition to use against him in the future.

"How did you become bruised?"

"I don't know sir," Harry lied. If not for Harry's other mannerisms, the shaking hands would still have given him away.

"Can I go now?"

Severus eyed him carefully. "To where? To hide under your bed?"

Harry looked up at that, hurt playing across his face, and Severus knew then that Draco had not been lying when he'd said he'd seen Harry sleeping under the bed.

Without being dismissed, Harry stood and walked away, hand still tangling itself in his hair on one side as he went. I've nowhere else to go, Harry thought to himself as he made for a bathroom again, sickened with himself and with the conversation he'd had with Snape. The man had implied several times that this was Harry's fault. Sirius had implied the same thing by telling him he was a shame to his family. Was it Harry's fault? Could he have prevented Draco from being hurt? Could the summer have turned out differently?

Back in the Great Hall, Severus Snape did not know quite what to think. Draco had not spoken about the ordeal, and did not seem to be struggling with it either, aside from the fact that he was worried about Potter. Potter on the other hand could not speak about the ordeal without causing himself internal struggle, and yet could not seem to move past it either.

Severus stood and made his way out of the Great Hall, a lot on his mind to take in and think about.

Harry felt isolated in his corner of the near deserted castle. Literally he sat in a darkened corner of a long forgotten corridor, floor covered in dust aside from where he sat hugging his knees. Light filtered weakly in through a dirty stained glass window high above him, but he sat in darkness for all the feelings engulfing him.

He had woken that morning, once again under his bed, feeling particularly depressed and confused, as well as a bit guilty. He'd dreamt of the night at the Ministry when Sirius had come to rescue him. There had never been another time when he could imagine feeling so loved as to know someone had come for him. To know Sirius had come for him. Harry had never admitted it to anyone, but he had looked on Sirius as his father. The only real one he'd ever known. Guilt swirled around him to realize that he still did think of him as such and to know he'd disappointed the man so bad that he'd taken to injuring and humiliating him.

There was something else to his guilt though. Harry's dream hadn't been a memory. In reality Sirius had survived the Ministry debacle. In his dream, Sirius had fallen through a veil into nothingness. Had died, not to be seen again. And when Harry had woken, he feared that he wished Sirius had died... had not had a chance to betray him and hurt Draco.

He buried his head in his arms and used his feet to rock himself gently a few times. He really would have been a disappointment to his parents to be having thoughts like that... to wish death upon someone. Harry wasn't even comfortable with the idea that someday he'd need to kill Voldemort, a man that by all rights deserved to die.

Feeling like he could crawl right out of his own skin and be happier, Harry lifted his head and let it fall back against the wall. It had been two weeks now since he'd been with Sirius at Grimmuald Place. A week on the move and in the cabin, and a week in near solitude at Hogwarts. The fact that Sirius had not come looking for him yet had been eating at him slowly but surely. The first possibility that struck him was that Sirius really didn't care about him in any sense of the word. Harry felt like he should have known that from the injuries, but it still hurt to think about. The next, more terrifying possibility was that Sirius knew exactly where he was, and was planning on what exactly to do to Harry to punish him. Maybe if Harry had just stayed there his punishment would have ended with the one incident. Now he was sure he faced something much more gruesome, and possibly more deadly. His imagination had been running rampant for days now, thinking that one day he might just disappear... not turn up for a meal, and nobody would notice. He hadn't even seen Draco for a couple of days now because he'd been intent on isolating himself so completely.

Harry was unaware that the few times he had moved into a more open part of the castle, Snape had been there watching him, trying to determine to himself whether or not Harry was skulking or genuinely trying to deal with something in his life he well and truly could not handle alone. If Severus only knew how dark Harry's thoughts had turned, he would have made an effort to get Harry to talk about the events at Grimmuald Place in more detail. Would have tried to bring Harry back to a reality where he could feel safe. Severus would not realize these things until this day though, when he would watch Harry slip right through his fingers, and not even know it until he was gone.

Hunger had finally motivated Harry to move from his dark corner of the castle. He hadn't eaten breakfast, and he hadn't eaten dinner the night before. Feeling faint he stood and began to make his way slowly down to the Great Hall, head down and hands in his pockets.

In the corridor near the Transfiguration classroom, Harry froze, heart hammering at a calm voice somewhere behind him that said, "Hello Harry."

Clenching his eyes shut, hoping that it was just another nightmare, Harry took several deep breaths before he opened his eyes again and turned around to find Sirius teen feet down the corridor, hands in his pockets.

Harry's bottom lip trembled, though he paid it no attention. Here was the man finally come to punish him for running away with the enemy.

"Please," Harry said, shaky word barely coming out as more than a whisper.

"I just want to talk Harry." Sirius took a step forward and Harry took a step back.

"Please," he said again, voice raising in pitch a little like Ron's sometimes did when he was scared, especially of large man eating spiders.

"I'm sorry Harry," he said with a smile. Sirius continued walking forward, and Harry took a few more steps back before his heel caught on the stone and he fell over backwards, cowering. The smile on Sirius' face faltered then, but Harry barely had time to notice as next second a black haired Potion's Master was epically tackling Sirius from the side, taking them both to the stone floor. There was a flurry of fists as the two men struggled there on the floor, wands forgotten, but Harry watched only briefly before he turned tail and ran, stumbling as he went. He would never be safe there at Hogwarts. In reality, he knew he'd never be safe anywhere, and as he ran headlong out of the castle and off school grounds, Harry seeked to be lost anyplace but here, so he could be found nowhere.

Not knowing that Harry was gone, the two men continued to struggle for long, tense moments. Severus had come down a side corridor in time to see Sirius advancing on Harry, and the boy pleading with him before falling over backwards. It had erased the doubt in his mind that the man really had been a danger to the boy as much as he had been to Draco. The fact that he'd come to the school and into the castle unannounced was enough to send Severus into a rare fit of rage... enough to tackle him as if they were both still sixth years themselves.

"You always had to be the bully didn't you Black?" Severus spat when they'd finally separated and picked themselves up off the floor, panting.

Sirius seemed to be a little more composed, as odd as it was to know that Severus had lost his composure at all. That was until Sirius bit out, "It figures he'd be just like you, the little bastard."

"What are you on about Black?" Severus narrowed his eyes.

"Like father like son... Snivellus." Sirius smiled as he said the last bit, and then hurried off, content that he'd thrown his enemy for a loop, which he had.

In the silence that engulfed him now, Severus continued to breathe heavily. Whatever the man had come there to do that day, he didn't believe it included coming to torment an old enemy. Severus looked down the empty hall to where Black had disappeared, and what the man had finally said began to sink in. 'Like father like son...' Eyes wide with the realization that it was indeed a possibility, although slim, Severus looked around for Potter. He had to find the child and be sure he was all right, and then check on Draco before he made sure that Black had indeed left the castle. He would have time to dwell on Harry Potter and his genes later, when he was sure his two wards were safe.

But before the day was out, Severus Snape would realize he'd have a lot of time to think on Harry's parentage, as he left Draco in the care of the house elves, before warding the castle and then setting off into the darkness to find Harry James Potter, the boy that was possibly his own overlooked... son.

Severus Snape was thankful that Potter did not have a broom to carry him far and fast, although he was sure this was the boy's intent upon leaving the castle while his godfather was distracted. A lone child on foot was much easier to track than one on a broom or with the skills to apparate. This didn't mean it would be easy to find him with a four hour head start, but it was doable.

It was possible, Severus realized after hours of searching in the dark, that the boy had not yet stopped to rest, and was intent on traveling through the night, which was dangerous in and of itself.

The chill morning air and sunrise found Severus still searching on foot for the child that had wandered North of the castle and right up into the foothills that would fast turn into the mountains surrounding the school. He could no longer see the castle in the distance, and despite his weariness, picked up his pace, hoping to catch up to the distraught Gryffindor before he could do himself any damage or be caught by spies or wild animals.

The sound of running water soon met his ears as he came out into a clearing, and he knew they were nearing one of the rivers that fed into the black lake. As he crested a small hill, a shallow, gushing river finally came into view, the silhouette of a boy standing on its banks in the early morning light.

When he'd come within fifteen feet, he felt he should announce himself so he didn't startle the teen, especially knowing now what the boy had been through.

"Potter."

Harry turned, looking tired and cold from being out all night in a t-shirt. He shook his head, signaling his teacher not to come any closer.

"Don't do it," Snape warned him, motioning with his hand to the river. It was probably shallow enough to cross just where Harry was standing in front of it, but the other bank was a long ways off and the water was fast. Harry shook his head again, but Snape took another step forward and Harry turned and ran straight into the water, trying to get away from him. Hiking his knees up high to move more quickly, Harry didn't account for the river bed not being flat, and his foot caught a large rock, sending him careening straight into the icy water. He swallowed a mouthful as he went under and flailed trying to right himself to regain his footing, but the current was already carrying him downstream despite that his feet and occasionally his hands scraped the bottom.

It seemed like forever that he was struggling to get above the surface before a hand suddenly shot down into the water before dragging him back out by the back collar of his shirt. Gasping Harry tried to walk, but stumbled in the now deeper water and was grateful that a strong pair of arms dragged him up onto the bank, where he sat coughing and spitting out water.

Gasping for the cold air that filled his lungs, Harry shook with the cold and looked up to find his Potion's Master just as soaked as he was, though only his lower half and arms.

"I don't want to go back," Harry cried.

Severus looked at the shivering teen critically as he stood before him, clothes clinging to him.

"Black has gone."

Shaking his head and sounding bitterly defeated Harry said, "Nowhere is safe. Nowhere," and he knew it was true because there was no one that cared to keep him safe. If there were then he would never have ended up living in the places he had in the first place. Distressed, Harry reached his hand up to tangle in his hair on the right side again, only to be startled a moment later to find his Professor kneeling before him, gripping his wrist gently to pull his hand away from his face.

"I will make a safe place for you. Do not worry yourself over it any longer."

Harry tried to turn away, to wrap himself in his arms, but Severus continued to hold his wrist gently. "I will be there to pull you from the depths."

Harry looked up into his eyes now, only to find a certainty there that he wished he could have. He wanted to believe it so badly, to believe that just one person would stick by him, but he couldn't be sure. The only thing he could be sure of was that Snape was there now, just as soaking and cold as he was, and that he was so very tired.

Harry gave a tiny nod, and Severus apparated them back to the school bounds, where he would take Harry inside and make him dry and warm, before feeding him and putting him to bed in the guest bed in his quarters. Severus was surprised at the certainty he felt, watching the boy sleep, that he would do his best to make a safe place a reality for this child... this child that was probably not even his except for in the rambling insistence of a mad man.

With a sigh Severus stood up and considered his new charge. Even if the potion had not revealed some rather startling news, he had already made his promise to Harry to protect him. A promise he had once made to Lily and had long since forgotten, or perhaps ignored in favor of holding onto petty grudges that were not Harry's to bear. Seeing a child so in need though... it was a hard pill to swallow to realize he'd let his first promise fall to naught. It was also a good motivating factor to keep both the first and second promise, even if they were one in the same.

Deciding to let the boy... his son, sleep under the bed until he woke again of his own accord, Severus went to his own bed and lay on his back, unable to sleep despite his own fatigue. He'd already let Draco know they were back, and now his only worries consisted of his own thoughts that flitted through his mind, some lingering longer than others. He had not been kind to Harry Potter in any sense of the word, not before this day, ever. Feeling uncertain about becoming the father of the boy who lived so suddenly was enough to hold back this revelation from Harry, just so that he could have more time to deal with it on his own. But his real concern was that Harry was unstable from his ordeal this summer, and he would only be compounding the problem by telling him that the one who was unkind to him for these many years was indeed his father. No, it was best to keep it to himself for now, perhaps forever. There were also other factors to consider, such as the part he would play in the fast approaching battle that he hoped would end the war. Harry would play a part in that battle too, he reminded himself as he stared at his dark ceiling. Unable to turn his mind off, it was many hours before Severus finally fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

"Harry?"

Harry cracked his eyes open to find himself under an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, Draco peering at him from where his face was pressed to the floor a few feet away.

Harry pulled himself out from under the bed and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, noting for a moment that it looked as if Draco felt awkward as well.

"Want to get some lunch?" Draco asked finally a moment later, and Harry nodded. Still dressed in the clothes he'd been wearing for more than 24 hours now, Harry followed Draco out of Snape's quarters and up through the Dungeons, although he felt uncomfortable doing so. If anything, yesterday had just proved to him that Sirius could in fact get to him anywhere, especially since he knew where Harry was staying now.

"Where'd you go?" Draco asked as they sat down, Harry facing the door as was his custom now.

"Don't know. Just ran."

"Did- did Sirius do anything?"

"I er- I don't really know. I fell backwards and the next thing I knew Professor Snape was tackling him."

"You're kidding? He tackled him?"

"It was sort of epic actually. Like two people colliding on brooms mid-air. I don't know who won."

"Well I'm sure it was Uncle Severus, don't you think? I mean, he did run Black right out of the castle, didn't he?"

Harry looked uncomfortable again, and then asked uncertainly, "Did he?"

Draco nodded. "That's what he said anyhow. He put wards up around the castle to prevent Black from entering while he was out looking for you."

They were quiet for a while as Draco pretended to eat. In reality he wanted to know what had happened to Harry, whom he hadn't seen properly for three days now.

"How far did you get then?"

Harry shrugged. "I was at a river when he found me... I was trying to figure out if I wanted to cross it there."

"Illetherian River? It was up towards the mountains right?"

Harry nodded and then Draco said, "It feeds the lake. I went fishing there once with grandpa."

"Oh."

"You didn't try to cross did you? It can get fairly deep."

Harry scratched the back of his head again and said, "Well I did when I saw Snape coming after me. I didn't want to come back. I got swept under and he had to drag me out."

Draco nodded as if he had expected as much. "You're lucky you weren't in a deeper part. Uncle Severus can't swim you know."

Harry looked up at this. "He can't?"

"Nope. You should have seen him in fourth year when you were in the lake during the tournament. He held on to a post on the lake platform and never let go. I don't think he would have gone out at all except I think all the professors had to in case something happened."

They finished their lunch with Draco moving on to other subjects, but Harry wasn't listening because he was deep in thought about his Professor who had literally risked his life to save him by venturing out into the water. Not only that, but he had done it despite any fears he might have had. All the way back to the castle, and well into his dreams Harry had doubted the man's promise to him to make him feel safe, but now he'd have to reevaluate his feelings on the matter again. The only ones who'd risked their lives for Harry before were his parents, his friends, and Sirius. He again remembered his panic at seeing Sirius getting hit by a curse square in the chest in the Department of Mysteries, and then his relief afterwards, and again was swept with a wave of regret for thinking that maybe it would have been better if he hadn't survived.

"Well I for one am glad you're back," Draco said as they stood from lunch.

"Since when?"

Draco grinned. "Since my new broom came in yesterday afternoon and I need someone to go flying with."

"Psh." Harry rolled his eyes. He had still been considering buying a new broom himself, but at the same time was reluctant to let go of the one his almost father had given him.

"Going to start that Potion's business then?" Draco's eyebrows were raised in curiosity.

Scratching the back of his neck Harry said, "I haven't gone out to talk to the apothecary in Hogsmead."

"We can go today then," Draco said. "Find out what potions they want to pay for-" but he stopped talking when he saw the look on Harry's face as he held one arm tightly and looked away.

"Right," Draco finished. "Bet your tired then. How ‘bout this then... I'll go into town to talk to the bloke that runs the shop, and I get the first ride on your new broom when you get it... fresh out of the package."

Harry peered up at him through long bangs. "Why are you doing this?"

Draco smiled. "Not everybody gets to ride on two new brooms in one year." He stood then and picked up an apple from the table, throwing it once into the air and then taking a bite after he caught it. "See you ‘round dinner then, and you look at that broom catalog again," and then Draco was gone.

Harry frowned, and for the first time wondered what Ron and Hermione would say when they found out he was now friends with Draco Malfoy. A friend who would take care of him like this was a friend worth keeping. He just hoped that Ron saw it that way.

Harry did not go and look at the broom catalog because he had too much on his mind. He doubted very much that the apothecary would want to have dealings with an underage wizard in any case.

As Harry sat in a darkened hidden corridor behind a tapestry of Helga Hufflepuff up on the second floor, he wondered that Snape had let him stay in his quarters while he slept. The man had even given him hot chocolate before he'd gone to sleep, although Harry had been so tired physically and emotionally he'd barely had a sip of it before going out like a light. Harry bit his lip as he thought about where he'd sleep tonight. Surely the man wouldn't let him stay a second time, but Harry felt more on edge about Sirius than ever before and knew he wouldn't be able to sleep at all in Gryffindor tower.

Thankfully Harry was briefly given something else to think of just before dinner that night when Draco found him coming down into the Entrance Hall.

"Just remember, you promised the first flight to me," he said as he handed Harry a piece of parchment.

"What's this?"

"That's the list of potions he wants. He'll give you a sickle for each gallon. If you use a big cauldron you'll get two gallons for each one you brew."

"And he just agreed?"

"Well, not exactly," Draco hedged. "I had to sell him on it, but once I'd dropped your name he scribbled down this list."

Harry let his eyes scan the list again. He knew four of the ten potions. He supposed he could learn the others.

"Brewing's not allowed anywhere but in the dungeons if you're not a professor," Harry said then, and Draco nodded.

"After dinner I'll show you a small room Snape sometimes lets the Slytherin Prefects use. It's got a lock and everything so nobody can disturb your potions."

Harry folded the list and followed Draco into the Great Hall. He was hesitant to do the brewing even though he wanted the money, but on the other hand he felt like having something to do would take his mind off of things. Maybe he could brew at night when he was avoiding sleep.

"Are you going to trade the other broom in then?"

Shrugging Harry said, "I don't know. Maybe Ron would like to have it."

"Hm."

Harry knew Draco and Ron still didn't get along well, but he'd cross that bridge when he came to it he thought. He had too much else to deal with for the time being.

After dinner Draco showed Harry the brewing room as promised. It was little bigger than a broom closet but it had a workbench and stool and was big enough for two cauldrons. There were several skinny shelves above the workbench and Harry thought he could store some of his ingredients there. He didn't want to haul his tools back and forth either so he'd have to get a box and keep it under the table.

"You can use my cauldron," Draco said, "then you'll have two. The bottom potion on the list has to brew overnight anyway."

Harry pulled out the list again and realized he didn't know how to brew that one.

"What is it?"

"It's a hair cream. Pansy doesn't have the money to buy it so we learned to brew it."

"Can you show me?"

Draco nodded. "You go get your cauldron and tools and I'll meet you back here in a few minutes."

Harry hurried up to his dormitory and gathered his necessary supplies, as well as Ron's old fifth year Potion's book and came back down. Draco was already in the room and had about twelve jars of ingredients.

"The hair cream takes all of those?"

"No," Draco said, "but some of the other potions do. You might as well go to the supply closet and get another armful of supplies."

Harry hesitated. "Snape will notice they're gone."

"Not his private stores," Draco drawled, rolling his eyes. "The student supply cupboard. Don't you ever brew outside of class?"

"Only when Hermione's brewing Polyjuice to get us into Slytherin common room."

"What?"

Harry smirked and chose that moment to go to the supply cupboard. When he got back Draco pointed his little chopping knife at Harry and said, "You'd better explain about the Polyjuice," before he went back to chopping the daisy roots.

"Only that we wanted to know if you were the one setting the Basilisk loose, so Ron and I impersonated Crabbe and Goyle."

"Ugh! It was you! I knew there was something wrong with them that night!" Draco tossed the frayed end of the root at Harry who gave a little laugh, feeling good at being able to forget some of his other troubles just now.

"Well we knew you were innocent at least."

"I'll get even, just you watch."

"Well good luck. Hermione had to steal from Snape's private stores, and to this day he insists it was me who broke in and took ingredients."

"Then you've had your payback then." They brewed for an hour, Draco writing down the instructions for the hair cream and showing Harry how to prepare it before he said he had summer homework to finish and went Slytherin common room.

Harry felt alone and uneasy again once Draco had left, and looked around the cramped space. There had been barely enough room for he and Draco to stand next to each other at the work bench against the wall, but now that Draco was gone Harry almost felt as if the walls were closing in. Even so, he wondered if there were a way to expand the room a little so he could conjure a bed or something, not that he'd sleep in it. At least he'd be close to the other two occupants of the castle and Sirius would never think to look for him down here.

Deciding that he would at least need a pillow if he was going to sleep on the floor under the workbench for the night, Harry left the room, locking it behind him. He stuck his hands in his pockets and made his way towards the stairs that would lead him up and out of the Dungeons. He found himself slowing as he passed Professor Snape's quarters however, and wishing he knew the password as Draco did so he could just sneak in and sleep under the guest bed again. He lingered for a moment longer before he continued on up and out of the dungeons. Once he was in Gryffindor tower, he felt too fatigued to go back to the dungeons, and so warded his room closed and climbed under his bed, though he didn't sleep at all, and left early in the morning to go back and check on his potions.

* * *

It had been three days since Harry had slept, and after finishing seven sickles worth of potions with Draco, Harry had decided to take a break before he made any explosive mistakes. He couldn't think properly and was feeling sick from the lack of sleep. A headache had taken permanent hold over him and despite his desire to lay down and doze throughout the day, he could never manage, no matter the number of wards he put up around Gryffindor tower, his bed, or even the dungeon room he brewed in.

He'd seen Snape several times since the man had retrieved him, but aside from the feeling that he was watching him, Harry had no interactions with him, mostly because he made himself scarce or avoided eye contact. He had started to feel bad that Snape had risked his life going into the water after him. The man didn't even like him, and it confused Harry the more tired he became, trying to wonder what would possess him to try to save Harry.

Draco had offered to get some sleep potion for Harry, but Harry refused. If he took a potion he was bound not to wake up of his own accord if he were being attacked or kidnapped. No, that wouldn't do at all.

And so it was on Thursday evening, after nearly four days without sleep, Harry found himself in an embarrassing predicament. He'd decided to go to the dungeons to organize some ingredients just to make himself useful when a wave of dizziness and nausea overtook him. He found his way to a dungeon wall to ride out the dizziness when Snape's voice announced his presence.

"You look pale Potter."

"Don- don't f- feel s'good," Harry mumbled before promptly collapsing at the Potion Master's feet. He woke a few moments later as Snape tried to rouse him, but his vision was blurry and his limbs felt like dead weight.

"Are you sick?" Snape asked, trying to assess Harry's condition, but Harry waved him away trying to get himself some of his personal space back. Snape didn't budge though.

"Jus' tireds'all."

"How long has it been since you slept last?"

"Mmmm... since your quarters." Harry gave an unbidden little giggle then and clamped his hand over his mouth, unsure why he felt silly when his body felt so horrible.

"I hope you haven't been brewing in this condition." He reached under Harry's knees and shoulders and before Harry knew what was happening he was being lifted into the air.

"You know about that?"

"When the ingredients cupboard goes empty and you and Draco are frequently to be seen coming from the brewing room, I just assumed."

Harry giggled again even as he felt lightheaded and his head throbbed. He still wasn't aware of how close he was to the man or that he was being carried.

"You c'n be pretty smart sometimes pr'fesser."

"Yes, I do surprise myself sometimes Mr. Potter," he said.

Harry looked around, confused to suddenly find himself in a bedroom as he was being laid on a bed.

"What's this?"

"A bed. I presume you are familiar with the concept of sleep."

Harry rolled away from the man despite his clouded brain telling him he wouldn't be able to sleep. "Maybe I'll just close my eyes then-"

Severus waited for Harry to finish what he was saying, but no more words were forthcoming and he moved to the foot of the bed to see that Harry's eyes were closed and his chest was rising and falling slowly. Draco was right, Harry hadn't been sleeping. An interesting concept then that the boy would fall asleep in his quarters, although he reminded himself, four days without sleep would do that to a person.

A few hours later, Severus was consternated to come back to find the bed empty once more. A sneaker peeked out from under the bed however and Snape knew his son was safe, if even not from himself. He would give Harry some more time to deal with it after he'd had some time to sleep. One couldn't rush the healing of a deep hurt. Magic could not fix all things.

Harry had slept for nearly 24 hours after Severus had taken him back to his quarters and allowed him to sleep under his guest bed. As strange as that sounded, it was a blessing to Harry, to be allowed a safe place to rest. After that Severus told Harry that he should stay in his quarters each night to avoid another rendition of giggling overtired Harry, and while it looked like Harry might protest, he didn't. For the next few days Draco knew where to find Harry when he wanted to go to breakfast, and Harry seemed content to stay out for most of the day and return at night, although Severus could see that Harry was still struggling. If not for the way Harry held himself... in defeat, then that the nights that Harry stayed with Severus were not easy ones. Severus had tried to convince Harry several times to stay in the bed, and each time he'd come back into Harry's room he'd find him underneath. This only made things more difficult when Harry woke screaming in a night terror or nightmare.

Tonight was another one of those nights as Severus dragged himself from bed at Harry's terrified screams. The child had not talked any more about what Sirius had done to him and Severus really did fear the worst, especially given how Harry often pleaded in his sleep.

"No! No!"

Severus got on his hands and knees, robe wrapped tightly around himself and shook Harry's foot trying to get him to wake.

"Ugh." Harry woke after a few moments and put his hands up over his face. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Do not be," Severus said. Knees aching from kneeling there on the floor he said, "Why don't you come out so we can talk about it." When Harry didn't respond Severus lowered his face to the floor to peer under the bed again, this time to see that Harry was crying quietly, hand still over his face.

"Come on," he said gently, tapping Harry's foot, but Harry only shook his head.

With a sigh Severus gave in to his knees and finally lay down flat on his stomach on the cold stone floor. He didn't understand how Harry could sleep on the floor at all and thought he was willing to sacrifice a lot of comfort to feel safe. That was what it was about for this child who had had his safety snatched away from him.

"Harry," Snape said softly. "I won't let anything happen to you. You're- you're safe here with me." There, he'd said it, and he'd follow through when the boy would question him on it.

Harry's breath hitched and he let one hand fall from his face to the floor. He was quiet as he looked through red eyes at Snape for a few moments.

"Why?" Harry asked finally, voice quiet. "Why are you so sure?" Harry wanted to be sure so badly, to have that certainty that he could be safe like he'd never been safe before. And then the most unexpected words Harry could ever have heard met his ears, quiet and certain.

"Because you're my son."

Severus didn't know what to expect from this broken boy after he'd revealed the truth, but what happened next was altogether surprising. Harry didn't wail, he didn't pitch a fit. He simply lay there and considered him. There were no questions as Harry looked into his eyes, and no denial.

After long moments, Harry reached out his hand and Severus moved his hand to allow it to brush his son's fingers. And then Harry inched forward and Severus got to his knees and pulled his son the rest of the way out.

On his knees now Harry stared into his father's eyes there on the floor. Even if Snape wasn't his father, he'd claimed him as his own, and in the first time in Harry's life, he believed he was safe.

"Are you my dad?" Harry asked quietly, voice raised a little and cracking.

Severus took a deep breath and nodded. Harry leaned forward then against his chest and Severus wrapped his arms around his son.

No, magic could not fix all things, but love could. What magic fails, love abides, and this too was a promise Severus made to himself silently, that he would be there to help Harry through his times of unrest.

"Hm?" Harry looked up from where he'd been deep in thought. He knew Professor Sn- his father had just asked him a question, but he wasn't sure what it was. He'd been too engrossed in his dream, just another night remembering Sirius kicking him and putting him down. Just another time knowing how he let Sirius down.

"What happened in between Draco leaving and me taking you away from there?"

Harry shuddered from where he sat on the soft brown couch and Severus got up from his chair and moved to sit next to Harry. He knew it must be a lot for Harry to deal with. The teen had after all just found out not twenty minutes ago that his father was alive. They'd talked for a few minutes about what Sirius had said and how Severus had brewed the potion before the conversation had turned to the issues Harry was trying to deal with.

"It will be better if you talk about it instead of holding it all in."

"I don't- I can't stop thinking about it," Harry said then, tangling his fingers in his hair yet again in the telltale sign that he was having a hard time coping with his thoughts and emotions.

"Start from the beginning. What happened the night Draco left?"

Harry let out a deep breath and said quietly, "He caught me. He came in just as Draco was flying off. He ran to the window... I thought he'd fall out reaching after Draco. He was so- he was so angry I'd let him down." His breath hitched then to admit he had been the one to let Sirius down, but Snape- his father had his hand on his shoulder now. Harry felt ashamed to be so needy, but he accepted the touch that helped settle his nerves then and took a steadying breath.

"He told me I would be a disappointment to my parents and that I might as well join the other side."

"Go on."

Biting his lip for a moment to keep control over the tears that wanted to leak out of his eyes, Harry wished there was a way to distance himself from the feelings in the retelling of it. "He- he pushed me a couple of times, and then he hit me in the, in the eye." Harry lifted his fingers to where he'd had the black eye as if it still hurt him, and then lowered his fingers again.

"I- I just wanted it to stop but I was down on the ground and I was crying and he just kept kicking me and telling me how bad I was." The tears did spill out again now and there was no stopping them.

"Harry, I want you to listen to me. You are not a bad person and you could not possibly have let him down."

"But that's just it," he said, wiping his arm across his eyes as the tears continued to come. "I am a horrible person. I keep dreaming about that night at the Ministry, only in my dreams Sirius died. He fell through that weird veil. And when I wake up sometimes I wish he had died." Harry turned to face his father then and his lip quivered.

"I didn't know I had a father still... he was my dad. And he just kept hurting me even when I cried! How could he do that?" Harry allowed himself to be hugged then as he cried, unable to stop.

"I don't pretend to know why people hurt those they care about, I only know that sometimes they do and it's wrong. None of this was your fault Harry."

"I wish I could believe that. I don't know how."

Severus gave Harry a squeeze about the shoulders with the arm he had wrapped around his son. "You can believe it because I'm telling you. And I'll tell you over and over again until you're able to hold on to that."

Harry took in a deep breath and let it out, eyes dry now. "Can you tell me again?"

"It's not your fault," Severus said quietly.

"Thanks."

* * *

"Hey Harry, isn't that your owl?"

Harry frowned as he looked up from where he and Draco knelt in the grass collecting mogwart for a cold draught Harry was going to brew in bulk to sell to the apothecary.

"It is, but I don't know how she got here. I had to leave her behind."

Hedwig glided down and landed on Harry's arm, nipping at him affectionately and allowing him to stroke her feathers, to be sure she was all right.

"How'd you get here girl?" he asked. She hooted and held out her leg.

Harry untied the envelope that was there and Hedwig flew off up towards the owlery, although he didn't want her to go. He'd just accepted that he'd never see any of his belongings again, including his familiar since he'd left them there at Grimmuald Place.

"Who's it from?" Draco asked.

Harry stared down at the envelope and brushed the name Remus Lupin with his thumb. "Remus," he said quietly.

"Well aren't you going to open it?" Draco asked, wiping some sweat from his forehead with his bare arm.

Harry frowned a little and then stuffed the envelope into a pocket. "Later," he said, and then went back to the mogwart in the grass as though nothing had happened at all. Draco gave him a lingering look before he went back to gathering the ingredient as well.

Later that evening, after they'd finished the cold draught and bottled up five gallons for Draco to haul down to the apothecary in Hogsmead in the morning, Harry lay on top of the bed in his father's quarters and ran his fingers over the envelope again. Remus was friends with Sirius... had been friends with his parents, or Lily anyway. Harry was positive James and Lily hadn't been bad to him as a baby, but Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius had both turned out to be pretty bad. That only left one friend and Harry was feeling so sensitized at this point to anyone who was close with James and Lily that he wasn't sure how to feel about Remus. Remus had never been bad to him before but before this summer neither had Sirius.

What could Remus have to say to him? Would he try to convince Harry to go back and stay with Sirius? Would he try to trick him into leaving the castle? The fact was that if the letter had come with Hedwig then Remus must have been to Grimmuald Place and must have spoken with Sirius. Had Sirius lied to Remus? Had he told him that Harry had just run off for no good reason?

Harry took the letter and tucked it under the mattress. No, he didn't want to know what Remus had to say, because it couldn't be good either way. Two more letters from Remus would join the first under the mattress before the end of the summer in two weeks time.

* * *

"I guess our free run of the castle is about over," Draco said one morning 9 days before school was supposed to start again.

"Oh yeah, why's that?" Harry was sitting out on the grounds counting his sickles and galleons. So far he and Draco had brewed 55 gallons of potions and the apothecary had given them a new list of things to brew. The owner was so happy with the quality that he'd upped the price and they were now getting 2 sickles for a gallon. All in total Harry had 100 Sickles which was almost six Galleons. He'd need 50 for that Blue Zephyr. He figured he'd take 10 out of James and Lily's vault and that meant he only needed to earn 34 more Galleons.

"Well I just saw Dumbledore going in through the front doors when I was on my way out. I reckon the other teachers will start coming back soon too. Has uncle Severus said anything about it yet?"

Harry thought a moment and then said, "I think he mentioned McGonagall might be coming back in a few days and that Hagrid was supposed to be back last week but hasn't shown up yet. He also said he thinks Trelawney's been back for a while but hasn't come out of her tower yet so he's not sure."

It had only been the other day that Harry had told Draco that Snape was his real father, and he thought that perhaps Draco was still trying to get used to the idea just like Harry was. He had taken to asking Harry what Snape thought or knew about things, although often times Harry didn't have an answer. He was still staying in his father's quarters, on top of the guest bed now, but he didn't talk to the man a lot or see him terribly much. It had only been a week since he himself had found out and he was still feeling a little awkward about it.

"How much more do you need?" Draco said then, pointing to Harry's bag of wizarding coins.

"34 Galleons," Harry said, jingling the sack.

Draco scrunched up his nose. "Only... 290 something more gallons of potion then. Yuck."

"I thought you liked brewing."

"I like money," Draco said. "Maybe we can contact another apothecary and see if they'll give us a better price for our potions."

"Fred and George might pay for some," Harry said then.

"We should make a bunch of hair cream and sell it around the school too," Draco said. "I was thinking we could put some dye in some of it."

"Dye?"

"Like the colors the Fenwroth Mages wear in their hair... bright red or blue."

Harry wrinkled his nose then. He knew Ron and Seamus liked the wizard rock group, but he didn't care that much for them or their colorful hair.

"I'll let you figure out the dyes then."

"Fine. I'll just ask uncle Severus. He'll know what to put in there."

Harry bit his lip. At any other point in his Hogwarts career he would have said it was a bonkers notion to want to get to know the Hogwarts Potion's Master, but at this junction in his life he felt like he ought to at least try if he were going to get rid of this awkward tension between the two of them. The man had helped Harry or at least been trying to, so he at least owed him as much civility as he could muster, which included getting to know him.

"No, I'll ask him," Harry said, pushing himself up off the ground and shoving the money bag into his pocket. "I'll ask him if he knows of any other apothecaries that will pay us more as well."

"Well make sure to ask him about red and blue specifically then," Draco said to Harry's retreating back, and Harry offered a motionless wave of acknowledgement.

Inside the castle Harry asked a portrait if they'd seen Professor Snape and the painting told him to try the next floor up. On the second floor Harry was just about to ask another picture when he heard the Headmaster's voice around the corner, followed by his father's. Quietly he crept up and listened to the conversation because his name had been mentioned straight away.

"Ah, there you are Severus. I was wondering if you could perhaps clear something up for me?"

"What would that be Headmaster?" Severus intoned, but Harry was sure his father already knew the answer.

"I was on my way into the castle when I caught sight of Mr. Potter out on the lawns, followed by Mr. Malfoy coming down the stairs into the Entrance Hall. I was under the impression that they were still in the capable care of Sirius Black in London."

"The capable care which you speak of was less than satisfactory Headmaster," Severus said then, but Dumbledore had cleared his throat and Severus turned around to see that Harry had stepped into the open to announce his presence. He didn't like to eavesdrop but what was more was that he felt like he needed to be a part of this conversation.

Severus held an arm out towards Harry, and Harry moved forward to stand next to his father. Harry wished the man would put his arm around his shoulders to keep him steady, but he didn't.

"Ah, there you are my boy. How was your summer?"

Harry looked away without answer and Dumbledore gave a little frown before turning back to Snape. "You were saying Severus?"

"After my letters to Draco went unanswered I went to see him personally and was denied access. When Black went upstairs to pretend to wake Draco, Harry took me to another room and informed me that Draco was not there and had in fact run away because he was being mistreated."

"Go on."

"Harry told me he knew where Draco was but would not tell me unless I took him with me. Given that he had a black eye and was adamant that he was not safe there with Black, I obliged. We found Draco, barely alive I might add, in his grandfather's old fishing cabin days later. It was not until then that I discovered the full extent of Harry's injuries, which included no less than broken ribs, multiple bruises on his torso, arms, and legs, and a weakened immune system that lead to pneumonia."

While Severus was speaking, Harry's eyes had wandered back up to the Headmaster's face. He wanted to know what the man thought of all this. If he'd bothered to check up on them at some point then these things might not have happened. Dumbledore suddenly looked down and met Harry's eyes, and said, "This is why it was important for you to stay with the Dursleys. They are your family Harry. It's important we keep you safe."

Silence hung there between them for a few moments as Harry tried to bite back retort after retort that begged and clawed at him to be let out, until he could finally not hold back any longer.

"Safe?" It was a quiet, well restrained response on the surface, but the next time Harry spoke he had flung himself into a full, screaming rant, surprising even Severus who had taken a step back to better view his son.

"Safe?! At least Sirius fed me and pretended to like me! He didn't force me to do chores all day long! He didn't scream at me all the time and taunt me and tell me what a little freak I was! Didn't lie to me for eleven years telling me my parents were jobless drunks that got killed in a car crash! He didn't make me live in a cupboard under the stairs did he?! He didn't refuse to take me to the doctor when I broke an arm or wrist did he?! I BEGGED YOU! I begged you every year to let me stay here! If you wanted me to be safe you should have let me stay with my father you old bastard!"

Harry stormed off down the hallway, slamming his fist sideways into a stone wall as he went, and then was gone, his shouts still echoing in the ears of two men that had up until this point failed to see all of who Harry was and what he had been through.

"His father Severus? What is he talking about?"

Severus dug into his robes for a piece of parchment hidden deep in a pocket somewhere and when he found it thrust it at Dumbledore before he hurried off to find Harry. What he had just heard only complicated things more. It was no wonder that Harry had taken Sirius' betrayal so seriously if he had been mistreated his entire life before Hogwarts. Before Sirius he truly had not had anyone, and to lose that one person who had become someone to him was a tragedy bordering on death of a loved one.

Now alone in the empty hallway Dumbledore looked down at the parchment his Potion's Master had hurriedly thrown into his hands and paled a little.

‘Paternis Sentimentis Potion Results
Child: Harry James Potter
Mother: Lily Evangeline Evans
Father: Severus Tobias Snape'

He had a lot to think about regarding his past decisions and the welfare of one child, who for all said child was concerned, had been abandoned by the world.

Harry turned to find his father standing there behind him amongst the trees bordering the lake. He turned again and threw one of the rocks he'd been holding into the water, skipping it five times.

"Hm... I never could skip stones," Severus said as he came to stand next to his son. It was only because he'd taken off after Harry so quickly that he had a general idea of where to look for him.

"There was a pond I went to sometimes to get away from Dudley. One day a boy my age taught me how."

"Would you mind teaching a foolish old man?"

Harry turned and raised a brow. "What, has Dumbledore followed me out here too?"

Severus snorted then despite himself and Harry gave a little smile. After all that the child had been through in the last two months Severus didn't expect to see him smiling, especially after such an outburst at the Headmaster.

"Here," Harry said. "Hold it like this. Then you have to throw it with a spin at an angle to the water." He threw the stone and it skipped quite a ways before sinking into the water.

Severus stooped to pick up a flat stone and then threw it into the water. He got a single skip before it sank.

"I'm not a complete basket case you know," Harry said suddenly after long moments of silence.

"Did I imply that you were?"

"No," Harry said, chucking another stone with some vigor. "But this summer you only got to see the basket case side. I didn't want you to think you had to come baby me every time I do or say something stupid."

"Hm. I was not aware you'd said anything of the sort. The Headmaster had what was coming to him, although, it might be wiser in the future to refrain from such outbursts at your elders."

Harry sighed and stooped to pick up some more stones before handing one to his father.

Feeling like he needed to change topics, Harry said quietly, "Draco said you can't swim."

Throwing his stone before he spoke, Severus said, "It is information I would rather not be spread around."

"I won't tell. But I wanted to know... did you know I was your son when you went into the river after me?"

Severus turned to look at Harry and saw a genuine need to know there.

"Black had mentioned it after you ran off, but I did not know for certain. It was not on my mind when I went after you."

"You didn't like me at the time, why did you go in to save me?"

"Is there something specific you would like to know that this line of questioning is leading to?"

Harry threw the last of his rocks and then stared out at the water from his shady spot along the sheltered shoreline.

"Sirius saved me once," he said quietly. "I thought he did it because he loved me. You saved me when you could have drowned, and you've always hated me."

"My past attitudes towards you were a mistake that I would take back if I could," Severus started, before pausing to think about what Harry really wanted to know. "I saved you because you needed saving, and because I care about what happens to you. Regardless of what Black did to you this summer, I believe he too cared about what happened to you in the Ministry when he came hunting for you."

"Do you think he does still?"

Severus looked into Harry's eyes for a long moment. He wasn't sure if he found hope there or uncertainty. "I don't know Harry. I wish I had answers for you."

Me too, Harry thought secretly, but Severus saw it on his face anyway. "Come on. Let's walk around the lake before we go back up to the castle. Tomorrow I will take you and Draco to get your school supplies."

Harry nodded as they set off. He wanted to talk to his father about his fears of his friend's returning and what they would think of the changes in Harry's life, but he didn't bring it up. Instead he was happy to listen to potential potions ingredients to turn the hair cream a variety of shades, and listened as his father also gave him a list of possible other potions they might have luck selling around the school. Despite his encounter with Dumbledore, Harry considered this the best day he'd had all summer, as they strolled around the lake as the sun set, just being normal.

* * *

Harry waited with his hands in his pockets on the train platform in Hogsmead as the sun finally disappeared behind the trees. He and Draco had gone to deliver the last of the potions they'd made in the last week before school and collect their money, and then to wait for the train to arrive with their friends.

"They're not going to be happy, are they?" Draco asked next to him, voicing Harry's fears allowed.

Several fireflies floated past Harry and Draco before Harry said, "Probably not."

"Worried?"

"I think Ginny will be ok with it... and maybe Hermione. I don't know if Ron will disown me or not. I recall him having a fit when he found out Dumbledore was going to make you stay with me and Sirius for the summer."

"Want me to shove off for a few days then?"

Harry sighed as a light breeze blew through his hair in the dark. "No. Better not delay it any more than we have to."

"I bet uncle Severus could talk to them."

Harry snorted then and shoved Draco a little. "Like that would help! As far as Ron knows he and I are still mortal enemies."

"Haven't you written to him over the summer?"

"No," Harry said quietly. "They don't know anything that's happened."

They sat down on the edge of the platform and let their legs dangle over the edge for nearly an hour in silence before they heard a train whistle in the distance.

"Nice night," Draco said. "I bet you could walk back with them instead of taking a carriage. You might miss part of the feast."

"Is that allowed?"

Draco scoffed. "Who's going to catch you? Mean old Professor Snape? I hear he can be a right git." He was hoping to get a laugh from Harry, but Harry only gave a weak smile as they heard the train whistle again a little louder this time.

"Is that what you'll do with Pansy and Crabbe and Goyle? Break the news to them easy that you're now friends with Harry Potter? You could probably tell them that your dad is Arthur Weasley too." Harry did laugh at that but it was a short laugh that wasn't from real humor.

"I don't think you've got your facts straight," Draco said, the train whistling a third time now. It would be there any minute.

"How's that?"

"I hang around Pansy because that's what my parents expect. I've known her since I was born. Crabbe and Goyle hang around me because they think I'm going places with the Dark Lord, but I'd rather be spending my time with other people. I like Teddy Knott ok, he and I study together, but either way, none of them are actually my friends. If they don't like who I'm hanging around with then they can shove off. I didn't see any of them sticking their necks out for me when I told them I had to go stay with Sirius Black. And I didn't see any of them putting themselves on the line to get me to safety."

They heard the engine of the train then and both stood up. "Maybe I will walk back to the castle with them then," Harry said. He hadn't realized that things were so clear cut for Draco. If anything, the walk in the cool night air would give him some time to think... give his other friends some time to think. For Harry losing any of his friends was a big deal. They'd all put themselves on the line for him time and again, and Draco had been there for him all summer when he otherwise would have been completely alone.

"I'll let uncle Severus know then," Draco said. "Maybe he won't take so many points." Draco grinned then in the dark as the train was pulling up to the platform.

"If he hints at taking points tell him a werewolf got me or something." Harry had intended it as a joke, but it only made him think of Remus and the three letters hidden under the guest bed in his father's quarters.

With a screech the train finally came to a halt and students began offloading in the hundreds. "See ya," Draco said as Pansy hopped off the train and roped him into a hug. Harry gave a small wave and then stepped up onto an overturned wooden box so he could be more visible to his other friends.

Amongst the chaos of students, hooting owls, and Hagrid's booming voice, Harry heard Hermione say, "There he is!"

Harry couldn't help but grinning at seeing his friends. He'd forgotten how good it would be seeing them again, amongst all his fears and everything else that had gone on to pull at his attention this summer.

"Harry, we hadn't heard from you all summer mate," Ron said, opening his owl cage to let Pig fly up to the castle.

"Hedwig was gone until a couple of weeks ago."

"Where?" Ron asked with a smile, giving Harry a slap on the back.

Harry looked around him to see if he could spot Draco, who was just boarding a carriage with a group of Slytherins. Draco gave him a nod as his carriage lurched forward.

"Maybe we can walk back to the castle and I can tell you about it," Harry said, feeling bolstered that this plan had already been set in motion.

"We'll get in trouble," Hermione pointed out, but Harry shook his head.

"Not tonight. I think we'll have a little leeway."

"Part of something you'll tell us on the way?" Ginny asked with a smile, and Harry turned red a little before nodding. He'd also forgotten how much he missed Ginny. They'd come close to dating last year, but Harry had never gotten up the nerve to ask. Maybe he'd throw caution to the wind and ask her this year.

"Let's wait until everyone else clears out," Harry said, and his friends nodded, for the first time mistakenly free of worry that something bad might have happened to Harry over the summer. Surely anything he had to tell them this time around would be good news.

When the last carriage had pulled out of the station, they started their long walk up to the castle, their things all in a pile with the other student's belongings to be taken to the castle by house elves.

"So how was your summer Harry?" Hermione asked.

"I'll bet it was a blast," Ron said with a smile.

"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Harry said, rubbing the back of his neck and feeling a little uneasy about this. He wasn't sure how much detail he wanted to go into with them, but some detail would be required in the telling.

They listened quietly as they walked and Harry said, "There's been some changes. I- I didn't stay with Sirius after the first month."

"Why? Did you go with Remus or something?" Ron asked.

"Not exactly," Harry said. "Some bad things happened. I don't want to talk about it really, but I helped Draco run away, and then when Professor Snape came looking for him... I asked for him to take me away too."

They stopped walking then, wands all lit in the darkness of the path leading through the trees.

"You asked Snape to take you?" Ron asked. "I don't understand."

Harry rubbed the back of his neck hard again. "We spent a few days searching for Draco, and then another couple in a cabin while I was... er... healing."

"Oh Harry, what happened?" Hermione asked. Harry's eyes found Ginny, listening attentively. He had realized she wasn't asking questions.

"Like I said," Harry continued. "It's not something I want to talk about. But some bad things happened. I had some broken bones and pneumonia. Snape was still being a git but Draco made sure I got healed up... because I helped him escape. Come on, let's walk again or else they might send a search party for us."

They started walking again in silence, but after a minute, Ron said, "You make it sound like Sirius was so horrible Draco just had to escape."

"He did," Harry said. "I gave him my broom and he climbed out my bedroom window. I- I wasn't sure he'd make it or not."

Ron was frowning in the darkness as they walked and Harry wasn't sure if he believed him or not. As far as Ron knew Sirius had always been good to all of them. Suddenly a warm hand gripped his and drew Harry's attention away from Ron for the moment. He looked over to find Ginny next to him, holding his hand as they went.

"What happened next Harry?" she asked him.

"Well," he said quietly, "this is sort of where things get strange."

"Stranger than Sirius beating up you and Draco?" Ron asked. He didn't sound angry but his voice was as serious as Harry had ever heard. He supposed he had implied enough information to get his point across.

"Yes," Harry said. "Sirius... he came after me. I mean, after we had been back at the castle for a while, he just showed up. It was just Draco and Professor Snape and me there. All the other professors... even Hagrid were gone for the summer. He just walked right in and found me in a corridor. I don't know what he wanted," and it was the truth, because Harry had been so terrified, he hadn't been listening.

"I sort of fell over backwards and the next thing I knew Professor Snape was tackling him."

"Harry, Professor Snape wouldn't resort to such a Muggle-"

Harry cut Hermione off. "But he did. Took him right into the wall. I didn't stick around to find out what happened next. I took off. I ran straight up into the foothills on the other side of the castle. The next morning Snape found me. I- well, I tried to cross a river and I went right under. He went in after me and pulled me out."

"I guess that's not too strange," Hermione said then. Ginny squeezed Harry's hand and he was grateful to know that someone was there no matter what he had to say next, or at least that's what he felt like.

"Later... a week or two I guess, Snape told me something. He said that when he and Sirius fought, Sirius told him that... that I might be his son."

Ron stopped dead in his tracks now just as the castle came into full view. "Sirius must have gone starkers or something! Going after you like he did and then saying that!"

Harry bit his lip. Well, at least Ron believed the first part of the story. "Professor Snape did a test. He used a potion to see if Sirius was telling the truth."

"What did it say?" Ginny asked quietly. He looked into her eyes, which seemed interested in the answer, but Ron laughed then.

"We'll what do you think it said? James Potter!"

"I don't think so Ron," Hermione said a moment later when Harry still hadn't answered.

"What?" Ron's voice had grown very quiet.

"He's my father," Harry said, looking down at his shoes as the cool breeze blew through his hair again.

"How?" Ron asked, voice raised in pitch a little. Harry wasn't sure if he was scared or not of what Harry had said.

"I haven't really asked," Harry said. Then feeling like he needed a laugh he added, "But I assume it goes something like: when a man loves a woman-"

"Harry!" Ron seemed distressed and shoved Harry a little to get him to stop. "That's horrible!"

Harry grinned. He knew it. "The summer wasn't all bad though," Harry said.

"Sounds like it was," Hermione told him, and then there was that hand squeeze again from Ginny.

"Well, I decided to buy a new broom," Harry said, and Ron's interest was instantly piqued. "But I have to earn forty galleons so I started making potions with Draco and selling them to the apothecary in Hogsmead."

"Blimy," Ron said. "He really is Snape's son."

"A Blue Zephyr," Harry said, and Ron looked up again as well as Ginny, seeing as how they were both on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

"A Blue Zephyr?"

"I figure somebody will need my old Firebolt when I get the new broom," Harry said. "Mind you we've still got to make about 200 gallons of potion before I'll have enough to buy it."

"If Fred and George would have thought of this they'd've been rich," Ron ogled.

"Well, we've made up some other potions some of the students might like to buy, and we're going to try selling those this year to see if I can't make the money faster."

They were finally nearing the Entrance to the castle now and Harry was glad no fists had been thrown and that the mood had taken a lighter turn.

"I'll help," Ron said. "The more money you make the faster I'll get that Firebolt."

"Well who says I was going to give it to you?" Harry asked.

"Well you're not giving it to Malfoy, if that's what you were thinking," Ron said.

"No, he already got a new broom and I had to promise him the first ride on the Zephyr for his help."

"Well who then?"

Harry turned red a little and then gave a look to Ginny, who also blushed.

"Oh, well then," Ron said in a huff, puffing up his cheeks.

They could hear that the feast had already started when they finally got into the Entrance Hall, and when they walked inside, Harry searched the head table to find his father watching his entrance. Assured that Harry was safe, he gave a single nod to Harry, who returned the gesture and then took a seat at the table with his friends.

"It's really true then?" Ron asked when they sat down, having seen the exchange between Harry and the Potion's Master.

"It's different now," Harry said. "He's been different to me. Nicer. I don't think he'll be bad to us this year."

"Well, we'll see," Ron said, loading up his plate. Once Hermione and Ginny were otherwise engaged in conversation however, Ron leaned in to Harry's ear and whispered, "You're still just Harry, right?"

"Far as I know," Harry said, which seemed to satisfy his friend, although inside, Harry knew that he too had changed and was different. He wasn't sure yet if it was a good change or bad. He still had too many mixed emotions to feel overjoyed, even at the prospect that his friends had seemed to accept the changes in his life.

Severus Snape looked at the piece of parchment Minerva was handing to him at the staff table at lunch. It was a hand drawn flier advertising a variety of potions for sale. He recognized Draco's prim and blocky handwriting and thought the boys would clean up with the prices they were charging. Not enough to be ridiculous but enough to make a small fortune as far as teenagers were concerned.

"In what way?" Severus asked, handing the parchment back to her. "I am not the one selling the potions."

"Well I can't think of any students with such an interest in Potions that they'd want to spend their free time making them in excess amounts."

"Hermione Granger," Severus held up a finger.

"She has no interest in profit."

"Garrin Lockwood," he held up a second finger.

"His family owns half of Diagonalley."

"Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter." He didn't bother holding up two more fingers because Minerva had pursed her lips.

"From Harry's low grade's in Potions you'd think he detested the subject."

"Or it's teacher," Severus said surprising her, before pointing across the hall to where Harry and Draco sat at the far end of Gryffindor table bartering with several students as they traded coins for potions and creams.

"Well what are they doing selling potions? What are they doing selling potions together?" She sounded affronted and a little suspicious.

"I believe Mr. Potter wishes to buy a new broom. And as for my involvement in the matter, I told him which ingredients to add to the hair gel they're selling to turn it different colors." As if to prove his point Luna Lovegood walked right in front of the staff table on her way to Ravenclaw with pitch black hair. She could have passed for a Snape.

She eyed him closely. "Why would you do such a thing?"

"Give them alternate hair colors?"

"Don't get smart. You know what I mean."

Severus took a last swig of his coffee and then stood up, leaving the cup on the table. "I must be an enigma. Let's leave it that way."

She watched with narrowed eyes as he left the hall and then turned her attention back to Hogwarts' two newest entrepreneurs. She had a feeling there was more than a new broom involved in the partnership if the school's two biggest rivals had come together, and decided she'd need to keep an eye on them. For all she could see over the next week however (aside from a wide array of new hair colors floating around the school, including nearly ten different shades of purple), was two sixth year's raking in the sickles and soon the Galleons.

Harry and Draco paid little mind to McGonagall however as all the professors seemed curious about their little business. None had banned it so far, aside from the fact that Harry's father had officially banned bright orange hair cream because he couldn't stand seeing so much of it around the school. They'd run out of hair cream twice already in the first week and had to find time to make more. A few of the other potions were also doing well, including one Harry had found in a book in the Library that made people burp long and loud, and one that was essentially just extra caffeine in a candy form. They'd had to get that one approved by Professor Snape as well and were told not to sell more than two to a student per week or there could be health consequences for the students taking them.

"How much have you got now?" Draco asked on Friday. Harry had been so busy with classes, his friends, and selling potions that he'd hardly had time to think about not being allowed to sleep in his father's quarters anymore, or about Sirius too much. He had been thinking an awful lot about Remus and his unread letters, wondering and worrying about what the man might think of him or what he might do if Harry didn't reply to his mail.

"I had six last week and I've got 15 Galleons today.

"Wow," Draco said. "We make way more selling here than we do to the apothecary."

"Well I figure he won't want our business anyway once he finds out we're selling our stuff to his customers."

"Or maybe he'll find out and double what he's paying us."

"Maybe."

"So 15 and you need 40... figure you made nine this week and if you sell this much each week you'll have enough money in three weeks for that broom... just in time for Quidditch practices to start in October."

"Well," said Harry, "we'll definitely have a leg up on Slytherin won't we? What with the Blue Zephyr and the Firebolt."

"Well maybe I'll just quit helping you then," Draco joked.

Pointing his finger at Draco Harry said, "Go ahead. I'll give some free pink hair cream to Goyle and tell him you've been commenting on how much you like that color."

Draco narrowed his eyes then and Harry grinned. "It washes out in three days."

Harry shrugged. "You won't mind some now then will you?" He reached over to the counter in their little lab where several tins of new hair cream sat cooling and scooped up a blob of Gryffindor red onto his fingers.

"You wouldn't." Draco meant it as a statement but it came out more of a question. The room was small enough that Harry could get to him fairly easily.

Without answering Harry dove at Draco in laughter and smeared a streak through the white blond hair.

"UUGH!" Draco dove for the green and pinned Harry to the desk as he scooped the entire thing onto Harry's head. Harry was too busy laughing to care though because he'd already scooped up some dark yellow and had given Draco another streak right next to the red. He did in fact look like a red and yellow skunk.

"It looks fitting," Harry commented, standing back to admire his handy work. Draco reached up to scoop out what he could but it had already saturated his hair and dried.

"Guess we'll be advertising our own products for a few days then," Draco said.

Harry raised his brows and then conjured a mirror before he frowned at his own hair. It was mostly Slytherin green with odd patches of black around the edges where Draco had missed.

"Better do the thing right then," he said and coated the rest of his hair.

Draco looked in the mirror as well and then said, "I hate you."

"But Gryffindor will love you!"

* * *

Harry and Draco's little fight with the hair gels only served to increase sells over the next few days. People thought it was some sort of statement of their friendship that they'd exchanged house colors in their hair, but staff knew better at the looks Draco gave anyone who commented on his hair, even though Harry seemed quite happy with his new color.

"You've gone barmy," Ron told Harry on Monday morning when Harry's hair was slowly fading from green back to black.

"Why?"

"Did you have to wear green?"

"Well I didn't have a choice did I? Draco dumped the tin on my head after I got him with the red."

"Well, it did increase sales," Ginny pointed out. "Fred and George reckon they might buy some from you for their shop."

"Maybe when I've got money for the broom I'll just sell them the formula. I won't have much time to brew once Quidditch starts."

"That's right," Ron said. Harry thought Ron seemed a little affronted with the amount of time he spent with Draco selling and brewing, but was also aware that he had been keeping complaints to a minimum. When he had asked Ginny about it the day before she'd said he felt bad for Harry about what had gone on in the summer. Harry supposed Ron meant well, but being reminded of the summer only made him start thinking about it again and thus losing sleep. He'd had an almost normal week, but Harry's second week of school would drag him back into familiar feelings of distress, starting on Tuesday evening.

Harry had just finished with dinner and decided to do some last minute brewing in the dungeons before he went upstairs to join his friends and do some homework, but was stopped a few steps before his lab.

"Harry."

Harry turned to find his father and gave a small smile. He'd hoped that his father might be a little proud of all the potions he'd been brewing. He'd been hoping for a little piece of praise for weeks now.

"Yeah? I was going to ask you about a new potion we had an idea about."

"It will have to wait. There is someone here to see you."

Harry stared at him and swallowed. "To see me?"

"Yes. Come with me."

Harry caught up with his father and kept stride with him, but he wasn't sure he wanted to see whoever was on the other side of the door. It couldn't possibly be Sirius, could it? Had his father changed his mind? Did he not want him anymore? But no, the Headmaster wouldn't possibly allow Sirius to take him in the middle of the school year would he?

By the time they reached his father's quarters Harry had worked himself up a bit and was feeling on edge. Severus did not fail to notice.

"Nothing will happen," he tried to reassure him before he opened the door to his quarters, but the statement made Harry wonder why there was a need for it in the first place.

Harry stepped inside with Severus right behind him, and scanned the living room, expecting Sirius to jump out from any place. What he found was not Sirius however, but a weathered and wary looking Remus sitting on the couch staring at him.

"Hello Harry."

Severus moved around where Harry had stopped and went to stand behind a high backed chair where he put his hands on the back.

Harry didn't say anything, just stared at Remus.

"I wouldn't have come, but you hadn't answered any of my letters."

Harry caught the raised brow from his father but tried to push the unspoken question aside. He wasn't required to show his father all of his mail, was he?

Remus looked from Harry to Severus and then back.

"Ok, you don't have to talk to me Harry," he said, "I think I understand. But I came to tell you something important. Will you please sit with me while I tell you?"

Harry looked to his father who gave him a nod, and he moved to chair his father was behind. Remus sat back down and Harry took a steadying breath. He wasn't mad at Remus, but he was wary, and maybe a little afraid.

"How are you Harry? Holding up ok?"

Harry shrugged and looked down at his hands, missing the sad look in Remus' eyes.

"About a month ago I went to visit you and Sirius. I hadn't heard from either of you you see. We'd planned on going to see a Quidditch match and I'd wanted to finalize plans." Suddenly Harry felt a little guilty that he'd ruined plans that Remus and Sirius were probably looking forward to.

"Anyway, when I got there you weren't there and Sirius..." he tilted his head slightly. "He told me some things."

Harry looked up at him again and felt ashamed and hated himself for it.

"Don't do that Harry," Remus said suddenly. "None of this is your fault. But I felt like I needed to come and see you and tell you what Sirius told me. He doesn't know I've contacted you."

"It would probably be best that it remained that way," Severus suddenly said from behind Harry, making Harry thankful that he had someone there he could be sure was on his side.

Remus gave a nod. "Harry, I'm sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault and you should never have been put in a situation where it would happen. I didn't think in a million years that Sirius was capable of something like that."

Harry missed the piercing glare his father was giving Remus at that moment as Remus had chosen to ignore it.

"From what he's told me, Sirius did not intend to injure you. He was... unstable. He came to the castle intending to apologize but I gather things got out of hand." Here he looked at Severus briefly, and then back to Harry. "Harry, there's something specific that I came to tell you... something I think you should know. Bearing in mind that I don't expect you to forgive Sirius so soon, he told me something about the day he came to the castle, and it speaks to how sorry he is to have hurt you." Remus paused, gauging the interested look Harry wore and how tightly Severus was holding on to the back of the chair Harry was in, and then continued.

"When you fell backwards away from Sirius and he saw how scared you were, he knew you were still hurting and would not accept his apology. After you ran off and he and... your father scuffled, he told Severus about his relationship to you. While he admitted he had some satisfaction in throwing Severus for a loop with the information, that was not his original intention."

"What did he intend then?" Harry felt like spitting it out at the man, who at the moment was the only place to aim his anger at Sirius, but it came out sounding tired.

"He couldn't be there to help you through what you were going through, so he gave you someone who would. I myself had no idea of the relation or I would have told you years ago. Sirius told me that James had mentioned to him the night you were born that it was a possibility. I gather Sirius never put much stock in it until that day he came to find you here at the castle and saw the extent of what he'd done."

"And you just expect us to believe he told me out of the goodness of his heart? I find it hard to believe there is goodness in the heart of a man who would do such a thing to a child," Severus said in a deadly tone.

Remus sighed then and rubbed his forehead. "You don't know what that time in Azkaban did to him Severus. It's not an excuse," he said, holding up one hand," but time in prison will change any man, especially an innocent one framed for murdering his best friends. He tried to return to his old life, but too much had changed. I'll wager he thought that Harry was the only good thing in his life. When Draco was placed with him, he made the same mistake many others have made... he placed all the sins of the child's parents on the shoulders of the child." Here Harry didn't miss the look Remus sent to Severus, and he himself turned his head away. If he hadn't been so needy he might not have so readily accepted Snape as his father for all the man had done to torment him over the years for just looking like James Potter.

"Harry, I just wanted you to know these things," Remus said, turning his attention back to Harry. "And also that I had no prior knowledge that Sirius was treating you and Draco terribly or else I would have intervened. I feared this may be what you thought of me when you didn't reply to my letters."

Harry sighed then and looked straight up at his father, who appeared to be contemplating something, although Harry couldn't venture a guess as to what.

"Thank you," Harry said, "for telling me."

Remus gave a nod. "If you need anything Harry... anything at all, don't hesitate to ask."

Harry nodded too as Remus stood, wringing his hands together. "Thanks," Harry told him.

After a long silence, in which no one looked at each other, Remus cleared his throat. "Well, I'd better be off. It's a full moon tomorrow and I need some time to prepare. It was good seeing you Harry... Severus," and then he was gone out the door.

Severus came around the chair finally and sat on the couch next to where Remus had been sitting. There was silence for a few moments before he looked at Harry seriously and asked, "What did you think about what he said?"

Harry looked up at him and then away. "Don't know," he replied. "Glad that he came I guess." But in reality it was a lie. What he was really thinking was that he'd left Sirius in a time of need. The man was obviously broken and he'd gone and made things worse. On top of that he'd made Remus feel bad and Remus had never done a thing but help him and have Harry's best interests at heart.

"Do you wish to talk anymore about it?"

"No," Harry said. "I have some potions to brew."

"You wished to ask me about a new potion?"

Harry stood up and shrugged. "I forgot. Thanks for being here while Remus was."

"You're welcome."

Harry nodded. "Good night."

Later, as Harry sat on the floor in the tiny lab by himself, cauldrons empty, he wondered what kind of person he really was. Generally he was aware that people around him got hurt, sometimes because of who he was, sometimes because of his own actions. This had always bothered him and he'd tried to change accordingly so that he could at least prevent people from being injured because of him. Sirius had nearly died because he'd run off to the ministry last year and his friends on top of that. But now Harry had something new to contend with. He'd always been mistreated by the Dursleys and thought there was something wrong with them. The same had been true of his father's petty vindictiveness towards him. He'd assumed it was all because of James Potter. But now Sirius had jumped on the bandwagon and Harry was starting to wonder if there really was something wrong with him. True, his father had been very kind to him in the last month and a half, but that didn't negate the fact that Harry was often reckless, and thoughtless amongst other things. His latest achievement: leaving his broken Godfather by himself to wallow in a hurt that Harry might have been able to prevent. He wasn't sure just how he could have prevented it yet, but he truly felt that he could have. The truth was, it wasn't he who should be afraid of his Godfather, but his Godfather who should be afraid of him. Who would he hurt next?

He rubbed his temple, still sitting on the couch where he'd been when Harry had left half an hour ago. Letters from Remus Lupin would have been one of those things categorized in things he'd like to know about. What else was Harry hiding? Was Voldemort sending him love letters? Severus snorted then feeling that it was far past his bed time to be having thoughts of that nature. Rising from his spot on the couch, he wondered if there would come a time when the child would be willing to talk to him about his woes. When will you be comfortable talking about yours? He shook his head again.

* * *

Harry was drowsy. He had a headache too. That was his reward for not sleeping again last night. It had been three nights now since Remus had come to see him. The full moon had come and gone by now. It had been three sleepless nights with Harry fretting and worrying himself over what kind of person he was, and how he didn't even know what kind of person he wanted to be. By all rights he did have reason to be uncertain. James wasn't his father anymore, and even if he were, he had been a bully. Dumbledore often ignored Harry's needs. Sirius had betrayed him. Remus meant well, but had only injured his ego further. Snape... his father... Harry had been thinking hard on that one. His father had been there to help him through the summer, but not willingly. Not until after he'd found out that Harry was his son. Harry wanted to help people even if they weren't related, so Harry wasn't sure that he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps either. Just at the moment, having a hard time seeing his own redeeming qualities, Harry was also having trouble seeing them in others as well.

"You look tired," Ron commented as Harry sat down next to him in Transfiguration.

"I am tired," Harry said.

"You weren't up late brewing again were you?"

"No," Harry said. "Just stressing about that big test in Potions tomorrow, he lied.

"You? You're sure to get an O. I mean, look who the man's son is," he whispered with a smile as he elbowed Harry. Harry raised a brow, still surprised that Ron was taking this so well. If he'd found out that Ron's dad was Snape a few weeks ago he wasn't sure he would have reacted so calmly.

"Well, I didn't sleep much anyway," or at all, he thought.

"I heard those caffeine pills you make work wonders. Why not have one of those."

Harry raised his brows. Now there was an idea. He was so tired he hadn't thought about it.

"I even saw Hermione taking one last week."

Harry reached into his bag and grabbed the tin that rattled with the caffeine pills they'd been selling and took one out, swallowing it quickly as McGonagall came into the room. It was only a minute before he was feeling downright perky, even despite his uncertainty about who he was and who he was becoming.

At the end of class, Ron nudged him on their way out the door and said, "You look a far sight better. Have anymore?"

"How many have you had this week? The limit is two."

"None. I haven't had the money to buy them."

Harry reached into his bag again and pulled two out, depositing them into Ron's hand. "You get the friend price."

"What's that?"

"Free," Harry said with a grin, still feeling perky.

As they went through the day however, Harry was disappointed to discover that the pill did not last as long as he would have liked. By Charms he was feeling depressed and tired again, and was digging in his bag for another pill, willing in that moment to reach his weekly limit in one day. I'll sleep later, he told himself. I won't need any more after tonight.

When Harry failed to fall asleep again late that night however, despite feeling even more tired than before he'd taken the pills, he considered the tin of 30 or more pills sitting innocently in his bag on the floor. He had access to them. He knew how to make more. They were his after all. And the weekly limit of two was because some people couldn't control themselves and might get addicted his father had said. Harry snorted as he reached into the bag and pulled one out. He was in control. He'd gotten Draco out of that terrible house and away from Sirius after all hadn't he? He'd been in control of the situation then. And he'd found a way to get himself out. He'd controlled his life when he left the castle. Eating the pill, Harry pulled out his homework and set to work finishing all of it, even reading ahead in his Potions and Transfigurations texts a couple of chapters.

He finally did fall asleep at four am for the first time in days, satisfied that he'd gotten so much work done and that he'd made the decision to keep taking the pills because they made him feel good. When Ron woke him up at 7:30 the next morning, Harry discreetly swallowed another pill and put a handful of them in his pocket so that no one would notice him pulling the tin out during the day. Yes, this is going to be a wonderful day, he thought to himself.

* * *

"We need to make more already?"

Harry nodded and rattled the almost empty tin of pills. There were seven left inside. He'd counted. Twice.

"I didn't think they were that popular."

"Remember that big NEWT screener the seventh years had to take last week?"

Draco nodded.

"A group of Hufflepuff girls had a meltdown and panicked about not having enough study time. There went most of them right there. And there were some Ravenclaws that bought them for the same reason."

"Ugh," Draco said pulling out ingredients to start making another batch of the pills. "Don't make me think about NEWTS next year. We just got done with OWLS last year, I don't want to think about big tests."

"Well at least we'll have these when the time comes," Harry said rattling the tin again.

"If the Huffs don't eat them all."

Harry laughed then, still feeling very good about all of this despite his lie and began helping Draco with the potion. By dinner they had a new batch and Harry's tin was full again.

"I'll take half of them. I'll push them on the Slytherin seventh years next time a big test rolls around."

"Are you sure?" Harry asked, not wanting to give half of his new supply up. He was taking five a day now. One with each meal and one in between meals. He found that the more he took them the less effective they were and the quicker they were wearing off. By next week he'd be up to six a day.

"Yeah," Draco said, pulling out another tin. "I think I'm a fair salesman, don't you think? I did sell out the entire stock of green hair cream, and that newest batch of acne remover we made yesterday."

"Oh, ok," Harry said. He reluctantly handed over the tin to Draco, who took half and packed them into his bag.

"I don't like them myself," Draco said. "They make me feel too upbeat... I do have a reputation to uphold you know." He gave Harry a smile and then left for the Slytherin common room.

"Yeah," Harry said to the empty brewing room. "Upbeat." Harry had been sleeping better after taking the pills all day, so sleep was no longer the issue. It was how they made him feel all day, despite any errant thoughts about Sirius or himself that were floating to the surface of his mind.

Back in the common room, Harry was feeling run down, and decided to take two pills for good measure even though it was the evening and he wanted to get some sleep later. He had homework to do and he was also enjoying being ahead in all his coursework.

* * *

Harry was feeling numb. He'd been taking two pills with every meal now and the pills just weren't working now. He didn't want to start taking three because his supplies were dwindling now, but he also didn't want to feel like himself anymore. He was used to feeling better... upbeat as Draco had put it. He wanted to feel like that again.

"Hey Harry," can I have some more of those pills? Friend price?"

Harry glanced sideways at Ron, who was holding out his hand. No, he thought snarkily to himself, you cannot have any of my pills. They're mine and you can shove off.

"I uh- I think we're going to stop making them," Harry lied quickly.

"Why?"

Harry leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, "One of the Ravenclaws complained that it made some of his hair fall out. It hasn't grown back yet."

Ron's eyebrows widened then and he reached up to feel his hair.

"Not there," Harry said, and then lowered his gaze to Ron's nether regions briefly.

"Yikes," Ron said. He got up then and headed for what Harry was sure was the bathroom. Good he thought, that solved that problem. What he hadn't counted on was Ron spreading the false rumor. By the end of the day Draco had brought the rumor to Harry's attention and said that they'd better stop making the caffeine pills before teachers got involved.

"I haven't noticed any hair loss," Harry said, reaching up to his head like Ron had done earlier.

"Bodily hair," Draco clarified, "and I wouldn't know, I don't take them. Well, let's just destroy the rest then." He held out his hand for the tin, but Harry put his hands in his pockets.

"All out," Harry said. "They've been selling like crazy. Guess we'll have to come up with something new to sell."

"All of them? We made near a hundred! You had fifty in your tin." Harry shrugged. "Sold the last one a couple of days ago. He still had 10 in his bag but he knew they'd be gone by tomorrow.

"Well, I'll ask around to find out what people are interested in then," Draco said. "I've got to do some homework now though. I'll see you later."

"Later," Harry said. As soon as Draco was gone, Harry pulled out the tin and ate two pills for good measure. He'd have to start making them on his own. He hated feeling numb. Even his mind felt fuzzy when the pills wore off.

* * *

"Psst."

Harry frowned. What was that?

"Psssst."

Harry stopped in the darkened corridor. It was almost curfew and he didn't want to get caught out after hours. The last thing he needed was a teacher snooping around in his business or giving him detention.

"Over here."

Squinting Harry saw a head disappear back around the corner of a pitch black corridor. It was the corridor people usually snogged in during the day because there were no windows. A few steps back down the hall, and he was facing a seventh year Ravenclaw he'd never spoken to.

"Those pills you're selling don't make your hair fall out."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "How would you know?"

"Because I've been buying them off other students and I've been selling them at double the price. I took three this morning before your little lie and I'm fine."

Crossing his arms now, Harry said, "What do you want? More pills? I don't have any more."

"That's a lie. I'll make you a deal. You give me what you got, and I'll give you what I've got. I want the pills to stay awake and so do others. You're using them for the way they make you feel."

Harry stared at him for long moments. "What's your name?"

"Devon. Are you going to give me what you've got left?"

"What do you have?"

Devon pulled his hand out of his pocket and withdrew a phial full of red powder. "It's root of asphodel. I sneak out of the castle on the full moon and pull it up when it's red. If you mix a pinch with water it will make you feel on top of the world."

"I've never heard that. It looks like dirt to me."

"Call it what you want. You give me one of those pills and I'll give you a taste."

Harry was too curious for his own good. The pills weren't working for him anymore and he'd raise too much suspicion if he used the ingredients in the brewing room to make more. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one pill and handed it to Devon.

Devon conjured a glass from thin air and then used his wand to fill it with water. Harry watched with some curiosity as he pulled out a pinch of the red powder and dropped it into the glass. The water turned bright red and he handed it over.

"The whole thing," Devon told him.

Harry chugged the Asphodel water down and stumbled, feeling suddenly like his body was lighter. He could have been floating, but he looked at the ground and found that his feet were still firmly in place.

"I'll never be able to concentrate in class with this in my system," he said.

"Give it a minute," Devon said with a grin. "The fog will clear out and you'll feel better." True to what he had said, Harry's head cleared up and he felt like a thousand Galleons.

"Deal," Harry said, pulling the pills out of his pocket and reaching for the phial of Asphodel root.

"Not- so- fast," Devon said, pulling the phial just out of Harry's reach.

"Ten pills is not worth a whole phial. I risk getting caught after curfew and getting eaten by werewolves to harvest this, not to mention it's illegal to have so if I get caught with it I'm toast."

"What do you want?" Harry asked after a few moments of tense silence.

"Forty pills by tomorrow."

Harry reached forward to grab the phial again and Devon pulled it out of his reach again.

"By tomorrow," Devon said, and Harry nodded. "Tomorrow."

Phial of root firmly in hand, Harry strode away to begin work immediately. His mind had never felt so sharp and clear in all his life, and he still felt like he was walking on air. He'd make the pills tonight and replace the ingredients in the store cupboard tomorrow. He stayed up until four in the morning brewing the potion and making the pills. By breakfast he'd slipped the new tin into Devon's bag on his way past Ravenclaw table.

You are some salesman Harry, he thought to himself as he chugged a glass of root water at the table disguised as pumpkin juice. Some salesman indeed.

Ron was giving Harry an odd look.

"Sorry?"

"That seventh year. He just nodded at you as we passed and threw his fingers down... like this." Ron threw two fingers down towards the floor.

"No idea," Harry lied, shaking his head. He had a feeling that Devon was telling him two am. Tonight was another full moon. Harry would have to skip dinner, maybe even History of Magic to make another batch of pills to pay him.

"Well that was odd then."

"Maybe he was doing it to you Ron."

"Me?"

"Well you are cute," Hermione commented, clutching her books tight to her chest as they made their way to Charms class.

"Well, yeah, that's true," Ron joked. Harry smiled then, glad that the dirt was letting him smile. He'd have more by tonight. He wasn't out yet, but he would be soon.

* * *

"What? This is all of it?"

Devon crossed his arms. "Well what did you expect? There was a wolf on the prowling tonight! And besides, I've got two more nights to collect if that beast moves on."

"I'll double it," Harry said then, eyes hard.

"What?"

"I'll double your payment." Stabbing his finger into Devon's chest, he said seriously, "Get - me - more. Get bit if you have to, I don't give a damn. You get another phial and I'll make you 100 pills."

"Calm down Potter. One would think you're becoming dependent on the ‘dirt' as you like to say. Funny that the famous Harry Potter would lower himself to the likes of us in the lower class and get ‘dirty?'" Devon gave a hearty laugh then and moved off into the darkness. "Double Potter!"

Harry stormed off to begin brewing again. He'd already missed one class that day. If he didn't get more dirt then he'd be missing a lot more classes, because when he came down off of the Asphodel root, he could barely move. Maybe if he started taking it without the water. Yes, he'd have to try that. Get it into his system faster...

* * *

"Thirsty?"

"What?" Harry's head snapped up, eyes wide.

"You just chugged an entire glass of water in like, two seconds flat," Ron said sitting across the table from him in the common room, homework spread between them.

"And? What are you, my mother?" Harry got up and stomped away, leaving Ron perplexed.

"Something I said?" He asked Hermione, who shrugged and watched as Harry ran up the stairs towards the boy's dormitory.

"He's been a little off lately, don't you think?" Ginny said then. "I saw him skulking around up by Ravenclaw tower the other night just before curfew.

"Girlfriend?" Ron asked, but then Hermione hit him in the shoulder lightly with a roll of parchment. "What?" Ginny scrunched up her nose though and then he said quietly, "Oh."

"Well if it is a girl then she's not very good for him is she?" Ginny said, before gathering her books up and going to her dormitory as well.

Up in the boy's dorm, Harry was sweating. He couldn't seem to get enough water to replenish what he was loosing, and he felt cranky and unwell. Maybe taking the dirt by itself wasn't such a good idea after all. His mouth was dry and he felt like his skin was drying out as well.

Looking down at his watch, Harry realized that it was already after curfew and was confused. Wasn't it just seven o'clock when he'd come upstairs? Had he already lost four hours? He looked to his right and saw that Ron was sleeping on the bed beside his, and the other boys were there as well, and suddenly felt freaked out. When had they come in?

Harry stood up, feeling like he should get away from whatever was going on here, but promptly fell to the floor. As he lay on the floor in the darkness, he turned his head to see the dark space under his bed and leapt back when he thought he saw the pale dead face of Sirius there staring back at him. A hand clamped over his mouth to keep himself from screaming, he scrambled to his feet and ran out of the dormitory, practically falling down the last few steps into the common room.

Oh no! Sirius was up there hiding under his bed! He was going to come down and get him too! Harry bolted on unsteady legs out of the common room and into the corridor, trying to ignore the shadows swimming at the edges of his vision.

In the middle of Harry's panicked thoughts was the notion that he had to get somewhere safe and fast, and the only place he could think of was under his father's guest bed. Sirius couldn't get him there, and he continued to tear down through the castle, occasionally letting out a yelp when he saw Sirius swim into his vision standing in front of a suit of armor, or leaning against a stairway banister laughing at him. Once he even called to Harry asking how he could just up and leave him in a lurch like he had.

Despite that he'd made good time down through the castle, to Harry it seemed like hours before he'd reached his father's quarters a few minutes past midnight. He pounded on the door but there was no answer, and he began to shout, hurting his dry throat.

Harry thought he heard a door squeak open in another corridor and panicked even more, sure that Sirius had found him again, but a moment later and Severus was by his side.

"Harry, what-"

"Help," Harry rasped out. "It's gonna get me!"

"What is?"

"The shadow Sirius. He's coming. Hurry, I gotta get under the bed!" Harry tried to stand up but couldn't, and in the next second Severus had lifted him up into his arms and opened the door to his quarters. Once inside he quickly warded the door closed, not sure about what was really going on. He deposited Harry onto the couch and then pulled out his wand.

Upon getting a closer look at Harry and the sweat pouring off of his forehead, Severus realized that there was more going on than a pursuit through the castle.

"Harry, tell me how you're feeling."

"So thirsty," Harry said, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"What did you take?" Severus said quickly, using his wand to run a healer's scan over him and getting disturbing results as a parchment appeared beside him. "Did you take a potion Harry?"

"Red dirt," Harry said.

Lips pursed and brows furrowed, Severus tried to work out what his son was talking about.

"What's that Harry? What's red dirt?" He had to shake Harry to get him to open his eyes again and respond.

"Get it under the full moon when it's red," Harry croaked out, feeling as though he couldn't speak at all anymore.

"Powdered root of Asphodel Harry? Is that what you took?"

"Mmmmm."

"Oh, help him, help him please," Severus prayed out loud as he gathered Harry up into his arms again and ran into the bathroom, where he put Harry into the tub and immediately began filling it with cold water, both from the tap and with his wand. Eyes closed, Harry made a noise of protest, but Severus was already out of the room and rummaging through a potions cabinet in a closet, phials of ingredients and potions falling to the floor as he grabbed what he needed and raced back into the bathroom. He dumped two phials into the bathtub which was close to overflowing because he'd yet to turn the tap off, and forced another four down Harry's throat.

"C'mon Harry, stay with me. You need to wake up now... this won't work unless you wake up. Come on Harry." His shirt sleeves were soaked now as he had reached in trying to make Harry wake up. Harry's eyes opened briefly and as soon as they did, the water started to turn reddish orange as the powder from his system began to leech out of his skin into the bathtub but stopped immediately as soon as Harry's eyes closed again.

"Oh no you don't, open your eyes NOW!" Severus tapped on Harry's cheeks and Harry forced his eyes open again.

"Sirius is after me," Harry said looking over the Potion master's left shoulder, but Severus ignored him.

"It's the asphodel. Did you take it with water?"

"Uh uh," Harry grimaced and shook his head several times.

The red powder continued to leech out into the water until it was murky and red like blood that wasn't the right color. The more that came out, the more awake Harry felt, and the more that Severus wondered just how much Harry had taken and for how long. To get this much into the water meant he had taken quite a lot. There was a reason it was illegal to own in large quantities, and even to use it in potions you had to purchase it from the ministry and account for every last particle of dust. It was literally sucking the water out of Harry's body and blood, and forcing it out through his skin.

After ten minutes in the tub and draining it twice and refilling it, no more of the dust seemed to be coming out, and Harry seemed to have calmed down.

Helping him out of the tub because he was still weak, Severus helped him into dry clothes and then down the hall to the guest bed.

"Harry, why did you take the asphodel?"

Feeling ashamed now that he'd had to be rescued again, Harry looked away and refused to answer.

"If you don't tell me, I'm going to have to go to the headmaster with this Harry. As it is you may still have to go to the Hospital Wing and possibly even St. Mungos.?

"No," Harry said then suddenly, reaching out his hand.

"Are you going to talk to me? I don't think you realize just how much danger you were in. We were lucky to get it out of your system. Any longer and I don't think you would have made it."

Lip trembling, Harry closed his eyes and tried to hold the tears back. "The- the caffeine pills weren't working anymore."

"How many caffeine pills were you taking?"

"2 at a time, with every meal, and 1 in between."

"For how long?"

"A couple of weeks."

"Why? Were you under too much strain running the business and keeping up with schoolwork?"

"No," Harry said, voice shaky.

"Why then?"

"B, because. They made me feel good. I was just so tired of feeling like, like me. I hate me. I'm no good. I make everyone else hurt or miserable and I just got so tired of it."

Making a mental note to address this issue later, Severus didn't question it at the moment. He needed to find out more about the asphodel.

"So the pills stopped working. How did you get the asphodel?" The use of asphodel as a drug wasn't widely known, though Voldemort had used it to torture prisoners in the past.

"Someone wanted the pills, so we traded. I made pills and he gave me the asphodel."

"And he didn't tell you to take it with water?"

Harry's cheeks tinged red then. He'd obviously made a stupid mistake by not following instructions.

"He did."

"Why did you take it without water then?"

"I hated the feeling of not being on it. I could barely move when it wore off. Each time I drank it down it took longer to work. I thought I could do it better just eating the powder."

"How long did you take it by water?"

"A week I guess."

"And how many times have you eaten just the powder now?"

"Three... no, four times?"

Severus rubbed his temple now, looking at the stone floor. Some parent he'd been. He'd officially been Harry's father for just over a month now, and already his son had become dependent on drugs and had almost lost his life to them, along with selling drugs to another student.

"Harry, I need to know who gave you the asphodel."

Harry stared hard at him then and shook his head.

"Why? Why won't you tell me? What if he gives it to another student? What happened to you tonight could be happening to another student right now."

"He was only giving it to me."

"He's selling pills, what makes you think he's not selling the asphodel to others? Is it one of your friends? Is that why you'd rather protect him than other students?"

"No!" Harry shouted suddenly. "It's NOT THAT!"

"What then?"

Secretly Severus thought that it was a good thing this was Friday night, because Harry was in for a long weekend of withdrawals, and he'd rather not spread this around to the other staff. He didn't want Harry's reputation damaged, though the Headmaster would have to know in order to expel the student who was selling the asphodel. To be honest with himself, they would be lucky if Harry didn't get expelled, though he would do what he could to protect him.

"Because you plan on going back and getting more," Severus finally said to the lack of a response from Harry. Harry turned and glared at him.

"One way or another you're going to tell me who gave it to you. You won't be getting your hands on it again."

"You can't do that," Harry said with certainty.

"Can't I? I have parental rights over you and I say if you leave these quarters or not. I'm fairly certain you don't want to be in the company of your friends in any case while you're going through withdrawals. What you experienced before between doses was nothing."

"And you're just going to hold me hostage here?"

Severus sighed and leaned in towards Harry from where he'd been sitting on a chair next to Harry's bed. "I am going to make a safe place for you Harry. I will keep you safe from whatever harm might come to you, even if that harm would come from yourself. So yes, you will stay here. I warned you before about the caffeine pills being addictive, and you ignored my warning and took a step further and almost killed yourself with asphodel."

"You can't keep me here," Harry said.

Severus stood up. "I won't watch you kill yourself." And he left the room, locking the door behind him. He heard something hit the door hard on the other side as if Harry had thrown something, but he knew he'd need to brace himself for a lot more resistance than that. The asphodel was one of the more addictive drugs in the wizarding community, and certainly the most dangerous.

Sticking his head into the floo in the living room, Severus threw a handful of floo powder down and called for Dumbledore's office. A few moments later and Dumbledore had stepped through into his living room.

"Severus, you look agitated."

"You could say that," he snarked, and Dumbledore's eyes grew serious then, uncertain if this was about Voldemort or another important matter.

"We have an asphodel problem Albus."

"Are you certain?"

"It took three tubs of water to get it all out of Harry's system. He's been using for two weeks and started taking it without the water."

Albus drew in a long breath and then let it out slowly, the tell tale sign that he was trying to calm himself.

"Is Harry all right?"

"He's going through the first stages of withdrawals. He has a rough road ahead of him." Severus and Albus both knew that while the withdrawals would go away in a few days, that Harry would still desire the illegal substance for weeks, possibly even months. Some who became addicted to it remained addicts for life.

"Did he harvest it himself?"

"No. He said another student, a male, gave it to him in exchange for the caffeine pills. I had wondered why they boys had stopped making them."

"Is it a possibility that it's one of his friends?" Severus could tell that the headmaster was referring to Draco, but Severus shook his head.

"If it had been going around Slytherin I would have heard about it from the bloody baron or one of the Prefects, and he was adamant that it was not one of his friends. He refuses to give me the name however because he's still under the impression that he'll be going back to get more as soon as he escapes my quarters."

Dumbledore nodded knowingly. I will send Hagrid out to search for the asphodel flowers so that he can exterminate them. That should eliminate the problem in the long run. In the short run however, the student supplying it may have a large stockpile. I will question Harry's close friends to see if they know anything about this."

Albus turned to leave, but Severus cleared his throat.

"Headmaster. It might be... prudent, to leave out the details. Harry has been through a lot in the last few months and I'd rather not sully his name for this indiscretion."

The headmaster turned to face Severus then, hands clasped behind his back. "You have often accused me of bending the rules for Harry, or outright breaking them." Severus stared hard at him and refused to look away, and Albus continued. "If it were another student I would not be so inclined to do as you ask, but I have not forgotten the position I have put Harry in, or the task he faces in the future. I see no reason to add an extra burden on top of what he already carries. I will be discreet." He paused, and then added, "You do realize that we may have to wipe the memory of the student who supplied him with the asphodel to keep his... indiscretion quiet? Are you willing to break that law to keep your son safe?"

Severus sneered then. "I'm a Slytherin, and you know what I have done to keep others secrets safe, including yours."

"Ah, of course, you are right."

Harry shouted out in pain from the guest bedroom then and with a worried glance down the hall, Albus motioned for Severus to see to Harry, and then was gone through the floo.

Severus steeled himself for the rest of the night, and then went down the corridor.

"YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FATHER!"

Severus sighed. This much was true, he thought to himself. A good father would have been keeping better tabs on his son... would have seen this problem in its earliest stages and headed it off at the pass. This situation would at the very least force him to keep better eyes on Harry, because the addiction would likely be lifelong, and Severus didn't want that kind of life for his son.

"I HATE YOU!"

Severus tried to ignore the screams coming from behind the closed door as he sat on the cold stone floor in the hallway with his back against the wall, but he couldn't. He hated knowing that Harry was suffering but he couldn't do anything about it. ‘It's for your own good,' he'd told him an hour and a half ago, and he tried to remind himself that it was true as Harry continued screaming. Over the last 12 hours Harry had gone back and forth between anger, despair, pleading, and deception, trying to convince Severus that he was all better and could go back to his dorm. Even if Harry were all better Severus wouldn't let him go looking as he did. It was no good trying to keep the boy's reputation clean if he went back with bags under his eyes, scratches on his arms, hair soaked and matted down with sweat, and face pale as a ghost.

At this very moment, Severus would have liked nothing more than to give Harry a calming draught or sleeping potion, but with traces of the asphodel in his system it just wasn't possible. Yet another reason why the substance was illegal, was that if you took any sort of potion while you were on it, you would become addicted to that substance as well. The asphodel essentially enhanced any sort of addictive personality one already had, and if they didn't have one, it gave it to them. One taste was all it took, but judging by the fact that Harry was already taking the caffeine pills before that, Severus knew it wasn't just the asphodel.

About an hour ago Albus had come back with news that Mr. Weasley had pointed the finger at a seventh year Ravenclaw, and that they were looking into it. He had also dropped off the papers describing a new school policy stating that any and all substances being sold in the school or brought into the castle would need to be approved by a head of house or the Headmaster, and that nothing edible was to be sold without being tested first. Severus couldn't help but feeling that some of this was his fault for letting the boys make the caffeine pills in the first place. If Harry hadn't had something to trade for the Asphodel, they wouldn't have this problem. They also wouldn't have the problem of several hundred caffeine pills being traded and sold around the school. Dumbledore had mentioned briefly that Flitwick had turned up 22 students in Ravenclaw alone who had been taking more than the allowed amount despite rumors that it made bodily hair fall off.

"DAAAAAAAD! YOU'RE A GREASY SLIMY BASTERD! I HATE YOU!" Harry's screams continued to cut through the air as well as Severus' heart. He knew Harry probably didn't mean those things in his heart, but at this moment, he surely did. Severus had already put up extra silencing charms around his quarters so that any passing Slytherins wouldn't hear Harry and think he was being murdered, or wonder why he was in Severus' quarters at all. It wasn't widespread yet that Harry was his son, and the only other staff that knew aside from Albus was Hagrid and Minerva.

"PLEASE! PLEASE YOU'RE KILLING ME! HELP HELP HELP! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEE!"

Suddenly the screaming stopped and Severus turned his head to look at the closed door beside him. He listened intently to see if there was any movement or sound from inside, and suddenly feared that the boy may have done himself some sort of harm. Wand out, Severus pushed himself off the floor and inched the door open. There was a Harry sized lump under the blanket that wasn't moving. As he inched past the threshold however, something heavy hit him in the back of the head, and he fell to the floor, turning just in time to see Harry holding a heavy book from where he stood on top of the dresser behind the door.

Harry stared down at him, looking both shocked and crazed by what he'd done, and then in the space of three seconds dropped the book, leapt off the dresser, and bolted out the door, leaving Severus on the floor.

Feeling disoriented Severus got to his feet and stumbled out into the hallway, one hand still gripping his wand and the other holding the back of his head. Harry was yanking at the door out of his quarters frantically, jiggling the handle and kicking the wood. Severus had triple locked it and the only way in and out was by the floo directly to the Hospital Wing or the Headmaster's office.

Harry turned and his eyes darted from Severus to the fireplace twice, and then he bolted for the canister of floo powder just as his father raised his wand and hit him with a jinx that made his legs tangle. Harry went sprawling. Severus couldn't use much magic on him either for fear he would intensify any effect the asphodel was still having on him, or else he'd just stupefy Harry.

There was the distinct noise of some part of Harry's body cracking as it hit the table, and Severus realized that Harry had hit his head and was laying there in a daze.

"Foolish child," Severus spat, angry now. This far he believed he had been supremely patient, knowing that Harry didn't have much control over what he was doing at the moment, but his patience was finally starting to wear thin as blood trickled out of the gash in the back of his head. He reached a hand up to his head and felt the sticky blood and cursed under his breath.

Hurrying to the fireplace Severus flooed for Madam Pomfrey. Dignity be damned, he thought. If Harry was going to injure him then he wasn't going to try to protect his secret from Poppy.

"Yes Severus?" the voice came through the floo. He knew she hated to stick her head in and get ash in her hair.

"You're needed in my quarters. There's two head injuries down here, and one teenager who I'd like to bury."

Harry seemed to realize what had been said and looked up from his spot on the floor, vision swimming.

"You're gonna kill me." It wasn't a question.

"You are going to kill you carrying on in the manner you have been," Severus scowled, and he noticed that Harry actually shrank back from the tone of his voice, something he hadn't done in nearly two months now. Severus thought he should have felt bad about it, but reached up to hold the back of his head again and decided he didn't.

Moments later Poppy stepped through the floo with a bag full of potions and her wand.

"My word. What's happened here?"

"He hit me in the back of the head with a heavy book and then tried to escape. When I hit him with a jelly legs he went flying and hit his head on the end table."

Poppy shook her head. "Mr. Potter. She knelt down to see to Harry first, who was quiet for the first time in the last 12 hours."

While she was working on Harry, she glanced up at Severus and asked, "Asphodel Severus? There's two more up in the Hospital Wing and three Ravenclaw seventh years who had Keyroot in their systems."

"Keyroot?" Severus raised his brows. That was almost as bad as asphodel if mixed with any number of day to day substances. If the girls had taken keyroot and then eaten oranges at breakfast... he shuddered to think what the Hospital wing looked like right now if she was dealing with five like Harry.

"We've had to call their parents in to help calm them down. There was a fourth on Keyroot but his parents took him to St. Mungos to deal with it more privately."

Severus sighed. He felt like this was a pattern today. "Any word on who was selling all of this?"

"Yes. They've taken him to the Headmaster's office and they're filing expulsion paperwork now. The Headmaster said that if it had just been one student he'd sold to, he could have kept him in school, but with this many it showed a pattern of misconduct. Minerva said they've even called the ministry to consider filing charges."

"He's 17 now, that won't be pretty."

"No it won't," Poppy said, kindness in her eyes as she looked down at Harry and tended to him.

"He wasn't taking anything himself, only selling it. He made himself 45 galleons since the start of the school year. 45 galleons in one month Severus, just imagine what else he's sold and to whom."

"We will have to sweep the castle and do tests on everybody to be sure no one else is in danger," Severus said then. He hoped to God that none of his Slytherins were using anything.

After she'd finished cleaning and bandaging the back of Harry's head, unable to give him any potions or use any healing spells on him, she left him on the floor and stood to tend to Severus who was now sitting on a kitchen stool.

"He's very quiet," she commented then in a low voice.

"He's embarrassed," Severus said, and Harry scowled up at him. "He's done almost nothing but scream obscenities at me for 12 hours."

"Perhaps he's tired himself out. You removed the asphodel in water?"

"Yes."

"I suspect this is why he's having so much trouble just at the moment. The others are coming down off of it slowly."

"I emptied the tub three times before we were done," Severus said, and Poppy tutted.

"That's ten times more than any of the others. Luckily we'd gotten to one of the boys up in the Hospital Wing after he'd just taken it for the first time, and the other two only had small amounts in their system.

"He was taking it without water," Severus said dryly, feeling very tired from his long night and morning. "The Headmaster and I would appreciate it if no one else knew about this."

"Of course."

"There you are Severus. It's healed nicely. You may have a headache for the rest of the day, but I assume you have a pain potion here? Good."

Poppy gathered up her supplies and went back to the fireplace. "Call me if you need anything else, and try to get him to eat something, it will help. Do you have any candy Severus?"

He shot her a glare. She knew he didn't. The only sweet thing he cared for were brownies and the houselves almost never made them.

"I'll tell Albus to bring some down. The sugar will help."

He nodded his appreciation and with a last look at Harry there on the floor pretending to be asleep, she left in a burst of green flame.

"I hate you," Harry said from the floor quietly.

"Good," Severus said. "Are you going to sleep there or go back to your bed?"

"I hate that room," Harry said, arms crossed. Severus put his stool away and went into the kitchen to see if he had any sugar cubes to force down the boy's throat. He hoped Poppy was right that Harry had finally tired himself out and would get some sleep. He would love to have a nap himself, but couldn't so long as Harry was awake.

Failing to find anything full of sugar in the kitchen, Severus returned to the living room at the sound of the floo, and found a plate full of lemon drops, caramel chews, and a single brownie sitting on the floor.

"Do I get those?" Harry asked, skeptical that anyone would give him candy, because no one but Ron, Ginny and the twins ever had.

"The brownie is mine," Severus said, sure that Poppy made sure one was on the plate just for him. He did deserve it after all.

Severus picked up the brownie and set the plate on the floor by Harry, who seemed content to stay there on the floor next to the end of the couch, or possibly he was unable to move. Without a word the two of them ate their sweets, Severus leaning against the fireplace enjoying the first thing he'd had to eat that day, and Harry neglecting the lemon drops in favor of the caramels. Severus went into the kitchen to get himself some coffee to wash the brownie down with, and when he returned Harry was asleep there on the floor. Severus scoffed at the boy's stubbornness, but was glad that he was asleep.

Abandoning his coffee on the kitchen table, Severus retrieved the blanket and pillow from the guest room and tried to make Harry comfortable where he was, before he cast a movement charm on the room to alert him when Harry woke up, and then laid down on the couch. He was asleep in minutes.

* * *

His father had been wrong. When Madam Pomfrey came he hadn't been embarrassed, he was ashamed at what he'd done to his father and to himself. He thought he'd been a bad person before, but now he'd be able to add drug addict to the list. Boy, aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon would have a field day with that if they ever found out. Just another thing to add to their long list of things they told the neighbors about Harry to make them distrustful. He supposed they didn't want to be the only ones in the area that hated or feared him. If the neighbors hated him too, then they wouldn't look down their noses at the Dursleys when they caught them ‘punishing' Harry for some imaginary wrongdoing.

Harry hurt too much to get up off the cold hard floor. He liked the coolness of the stone against his back, because he'd felt nothing but sweaty since he'd woken up in his dorm room last night. Was that just last night, or had it been the night before? Harry wasn't sure because he'd been so disoriented through all of this. He wished it would just be over already.

The candy had helped almost immediately with the craving he had for more red dust, but when he'd woken in the dark room on the floor, the craving had come back in full force. Nothing had stopped his body from aching and his limbs from feeling like lead however, and how his head hurt something awful on top of that, pounding where he'd smacked it on the table. Yes, this feeling he had was deep shame. Someday when he got married he'd have to tell his wife the kind of man she was marrying... the kind who had once been a drug addict. He felt his face burning red just thinking about telling Ginny that. He'd never be able to ask her out now, not now that he'd been a jerk to all of his friends, lied to them all, and fallen into this... this... he hated to even think the word addiction.

Knowing that others had also been taking the dirt and whatever that other drug was didn't make Harry feel any better, because he knew they would be feeling the same thing he was right now. At least his father had kept him down here away from everybody else, though it was obvious to Harry now that he'd told Dumbledore, or else they wouldn't have investigated around the school and found the others like Harry.

He felt like growling then, because he wanted to find Devon and get more of the Asphodel from him, but the doors were locked and he could barely move as it was. He could hear someone snoring lightly in the close vicinity and assumed his father was sleeping on the couch where Harry couldn't see him. He was sure there'd be hell to pay when he was finally free again for what he'd done. It seemed so right at the time, so sensible to beat his captor into submission to secure his freedom.

They had said that Devon had been expelled. That bothered Harry. He didn't know what red asphodel looked like in its plant form, and he also didn't fancy going out during a full moon to find it, though he knew he would if it were a full moon and he had a way to get out of these stupid quarters. It wasn't even about the way the asphodel made him feel, or not feel anymore. He just wanted it because he wanted it. It made perfect sense. So he'd made a mistake and taken too much. He could be careful if they'd given him another chance with it. He wasn't doing anyone else harm by taking it.

Thoughts circling viciously around his head between shame, desire, and an instinct to flee, Harry reached over to the plate and grabbed a lemon drop, the only type of candy left there, and put one in his mouth. He'd eat these until he was free, he thought, stuffing the rest of them into his pants pocket. He'd make Snape think he was well again and then go to the library to look up asphodel. He thought he knew where Devon's secret stash was too, because he'd followed him one night and seen him disappear up in the attic on the East side of the castle. He could probably find enough there to hold him over until the full moon. After Harry had finished his piece of candy, and the craving for dirt had subsided, he allowed himself to fall asleep, a plan finally in place in his mind.

* * *

It was Monday, and Harry had gone through his stock of candy and then some since three more plates of it had come through the floo. He'd asked his father to let him go to class, but the answer had been no. Somehow he'd gotten a substitute to cover for him for the day, though Harry didn't know who unless it was Dumbledore. Harry thought he rather would have liked to have gone to a class taught by Dumbledore.

It was fortunate for Harry that several students had come down with the wizarding flu over the weekend and were out sick today, so that he could have an excuse. Ron had come to the door asking about him at lunch and so had Draco, but Severus had turned them both away telling them that Harry was contagious. He was no longer sweating or ranting and raving, and to be honest he felt better aside from the cravings and his aching head, but his father refused to let him go.

"When can I go?" Harry asked.

"When you're better."

"Are the others out of the Hospital Wing?"

"Most of them."

"Then why can't I go too?"

Severus gave Harry a hard look, calculating. He was silent for a moment as if he were actually considering Harry's request, and then he said, "They had a variety of reasons for taking the drugs. Their parents have spoken to them and deemed them ready to return to school. That along with the fact that they hadn't taken nearly as much as you, or for as long."

"So talk to me and let me go," Harry said. "I mean, not that I don't like spending time with you, but I want to be back with my friends." It was true. He wanted to put this behind him, or at least he told himself that. In the back of his mind he was still considering his plan to find Devon's stash if it hadn't already been located. He felt like part of him was right there with his father, trying to get better, and the other part of him was off somewhere else scheming to not get better. There was a dark side to himself he felt and he was ashamed of it and didn't want anyone else to see it. The sooner he could get back to his life, forget about all of this, the better. He hoped that if he tried to forget about it and get back on track trying to be who everybody else wanted him to be again, then the dark part of him would just disappear.

"You wish to talk about why you took the drugs?" Severus' curious voice brought Harry out of his reverie, and Harry looked into his eyes.

"No, but if it gets me out of here."

"Do you want to get better Harry?"

"Yes," Harry said slowly. It was true, but it also wasn't.

"Why?"

Harry swallowed hard and then looked down at the floor. "Because I don't want to be that person."

"What person?"

"The person that does drugs and is a jerk to his friends. The one that hit his father. The bad person."

"Do you think you're a bad person?"

Harry shrugged in response. He was quiet for a minute before he said, "I mean, I have to be, right? If I was good then people wouldn't keep treating me so bad."

"Harry, you didn't deserve what was done to you."

"I used to think that when it was just the Dursleys, but what about you, and Sirius, Draco, the Slytherins... it's like half of everybody I meet."

"And you still don't deserve it. Harry, nobody deserves to be treated that way. I am very sorry that I could not look past my own petty grudges to treat you as you deserved. As Lupin said..." here he paused, he hated to admit that the wolf was right, "Black seemed to have the same issue."

"Hermione never got treated like that. Ron and Draco never got treated like that... or at least not before Sirius."

"It is not for me to say what Draco has been treated like, but I believe you should ask him before you make the assumption."

Harry looked up at that, and Severus said, "Needless to say, I believe his grandfather was the only one in his family whom he enjoyed spending time with."

"'s not right."

"What isn't."

"That they treated Draco like dirt."

"And what about you? Is that why you took the drugs? You feel like dirt? You feel like you must have deserved all of what happened to you?"

"I just didn't want to feel like that anymore. I was so tired of feeling like that. When I took the caffeine pills I felt awake and chipper."

"And the asphodel?"

"Devon gave it to me to try and I felt pretty good with that too. Like everything was clear to me."

"It is used in clarity potions, in minute amounts. Generally one speck of it is used in a batch of four or five phials."

"Guess I wasn't thinking so clearly then," Harry admitted, looking at his shoes again.

"Harry."

He looked up.

"You didn't come to me when you had a problem you needed to work through. I understand that the trust isn't there yet because of the way I've treated you in the past, and because our, relationship, is new. You haven't had parents to go to in the past to talk to. I am here now though. How do I know you'll come to me the next time you have a problem instead of trying to work it out your own way?"

"Is it so wrong to want to figure things out myself?"

"Not always, but when you're struggling this much with something, and you turn to what you think is the easy way out, then yes. You only do yourself more harm than good if you take the easy way out."

"I thought I could handle it. The more I took the more I thought I knew what I was doing."

"I believe that is true of all who try things like asphodel." They were quiet for long moments, both in thought, before Severus added, "Harry, most people who take asphodel have a craving for it for life. Even if they haven't craved it in years, a sight, or a sound, a memory reminds them of it and they'll begin to crave it again. This isn't true for everybody, but for many it is. This may be an issue you have for the rest of your life."

"What, the whole year or two I'll get before I go up against Voldemort?"

Severus frowned in consternation at him. "That is an issue we will be discussing in great detail, but not at this moment.

"For the people who don't have the cravings forever, how soon do they go away?" Harry asked then. He secretly hoped he wouldn't be one of those people, because if they went away then he could throw his plan out the window for finding his own.

"Days, weeks, sometimes months. Are you still having them?" Harry had told Severus he was fine so many times over the last few days, that his trust had gone out the window knowing the boy was addicted. He was surprised then when Harry said, "Yes."

"Does the candy help?"

"Mostly. The hard candy is the best because it lasts for a while."

"I want you to be able to go back to school and your friends," Severus said then. "I also want you to be able to come to me no matter what you think you've done wrong or who you think you are, do you understand?"

"Yes," Harry said.

"I know things have been unfair for you, and difficult, and they are likely to continue to be so because of the prophecy. You cannot continue to take the easy route Harry. It will make you weak in every way. It's by taking the hard route, the one everybody else had to take that we become strong. Don't shy away from your battles, take them head on and I can guarantee you'll come out stronger, and wiser in the end." This was something he knew as a fact. If he hadn't tried to take the easy way out by joining Voldemort then his life would have been a lot better at this point. Though he couldn't say that having a son was making things bad for him, even if they had already been through such a struggle.

"If you feel you are ready to return to classes, then you may go," Severus finally said. He didn't know if it was a mistake or not, but he knew he couldn't pull Harry out of school indefinitely.

"You trust me to do that?" Harry asked in awe.

"Trust has to start somewhere. You know what I expect of you now, and I believe you can live up to that."

Harry stood up from the stool he'd been sitting on then and walked to the door, not certain if this was a trick or not. He turned the handle and it opened however. Pausing on the threshold, he turned to face his father's back and said, "I'm sorry I hit you... dad," and then he was gone before his opportunity left him.

After being locked up for three days, Harry just wanted to get out of the castle. He made a beeline straight for the front doors where he practically bounded out onto the grounds. When the cool evening air hit his face he felt refreshed, but he also suddenly remembered that there was asphodel somewhere out here on the grounds, and the urge to go search for it was strong. His father's words filled his thoughts though, about not taking the easy way out, and about expecting something more from him, and trusting him to live up to it. Suddenly Harry was filled with a desire not to let him down, and instead of going off to look for the asphodel, he forced himself to take a seat on the top step leading away from the castle. He forced himself to sit there until it was dark, and then he forced himself to sit there some more.

Harry's first inclination was to scribble down, "I'm fine," but he knew full well that ‘I'm fine,' meant ‘bugger off' and he was sure that Snape knew it too. He wasn't supposed to lie, but he really wanted to. It was hard to keep things down inside if you were being reminded by worried looks and notes by own each day.

Taking up his quill Harry scribbled down, "Need more candy." He supposed if his father would be subtle he would too. Harry was struggling, and while he wanted to lie, it was nice to know he wasn't going through it alone. And so it was that each night his father's owl appeared asking how things were, and each night he scribbled down ‘need more candy.' Each morning at breakfast a little bowl of candy would appear near where Harry was sitting, and he'd take it all and stuff it into his pocket. He thought he'd gained a pound already and had decided to ask about something else he could use to distract himself without sugar in it.

Harry had stopped making potions with Draco, though Draco had continued on with a variety of products, and had even agreed to let Ron sell some and keep half. Ron had his eye on the new Cleansweep, and Harry knew he'd never have enough money to get it. Ron's broom was Percy's old one, an old Shooting Star 120. It wasn't a bad broom, though it was several years behind the Firebolt. Several people on other teams were riding them.

In a desperate bid to turn a new leaf over, Harry had made many important decisions after that first day leaving his father's quarters. After just sitting on the steps, he had decided to stop with the business not only because he had just enough for the Blue Zephyr, but because he felt it had in some way lead to him to taking the caffeine pills, which had in turn led to worse. The very next decision that Harry made was that he would by the Blue Zephyr, and give it to someone who was more than deserving. The Firebolt was still reserved for Ginny he thought, but he had been an awful jerk to Ron and Ron for the most part had always been there for him, even when he'd told him about his new father and becoming friends with Draco.

Harry really wanted a reason to feel good about himself. People always had expectations of him, and he'd tried to live up to them simply because he had to. The prophecy had made sure of that. But after his father had given him his expectations, Harry really wanted to live up to them. He didn't feel good about who he was because he didn't have a reason to. Giving Ron something that he really wanted and deserved made Harry feel like he was going in the right direction. And so it was that seven days after Harry had gone out on his own again, he lay the Blue Zephyr wrapped up in red wrapping paper on Ron's bed with a golden bow on it. He gave the Firebolt to Ginny earlier that day since Quidditch training started in a week and she wanted to get some extra flying in. He'd blushed red like a tomato when she gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a thank you. Ron had blown his bangs out of his face in an ‘oh, well there goes my broom' moment, but Harry worked hard to keep quiet about the Zephyr.

As Harry sat on his bed studying that evening, Ron opened the door to their room and came in, eyes immediately falling on the bright red shiny package.

"Harry, what's that?"

"Huh?" He pretended not to know.

"On my bed. Someone must have bought a present for you and put it on mine instead."

"It's not my birthday. What makes you think it's not yours?"

"Mine?" Ron raised his eyebrows. "Who'd give me a present? Christmas is a long ways off." He walked over to his bed regardless and saw the tag that said his name. "Hey, it is for me." A smile lit up his face and Harry grinned. Ron didn't even know what it was yet. Harry had made sure to pack the broom with clothing to make it unrecognizable.

"Lumpy whatever it is," Ron said as he began to pull the paper off.

"BLIMY!" The paper fell away along with the clothing, and there lay the Blue Zephyr, the handle a deep shade of blue, sleek and shiny, with a black tail of perfectly trimmed bristles.

"Harry, is this, am I dead?"

"Looks like a Zephyr."

"A BLUE Zephyr Harry! Who'd give me a-"

Ron turned then, mouth open a little and stared at Harry. "Harry, it's the same broom you wanted! We'll ride Blue Zephyr's together and Ginny's got your Firebolt, we'll all be so fast!"

Harry laughed out loud then. Ron was so shocked he hadn't pieced it together yet, and a burst of happiness was filling Harry from the inside out.

"I don't think so Ron," Harry said. I'm riding a Shooting Star 120."

Eyebrows scrunched, Ron tried to work it out. "A 120? That's what I have... oh." He looked up at Harry slowly. "You're taking my broom, and I'm taking yours?"

"No," Harry said. "I'm taking one of your brooms. You're a rich man Ron. You can afford to lend me one." Harry went to their shared wardrobe and opened it up, taking Ron's old broom and switching it over to his side of the closet. "See, now there's room for your new broom. It's a win win situation."

"No bloody way," Ron said, "I'm not putting it in there. I've got to take it out for a ride!"

Ron ran to the door with the broom, but then turned and surprised Harry with a very ‘manly' hug. "Sorry that," Ron said. "Brooms get the best of me."

Harry nodded. "Go on then."

Grabbing the Shooting Star, Harry followed Ron out of the room and down the stairs. Ron holding the new broom up above his head and whooping as he went into the common room full of people.

"What is that!?" Dean shouted excitedly, and leapt up to follow as Ron and Harry went for the portrait hole.

"Blimy, that's a Blue Zephyr!" Seamus shouted jumping up too. The common room, interested now, moved to follow them as Seamus shouted, "Weasley's got himself a Blue Zephyr!"

Half of Gryffindor followed them down through the castle and to the front doors. It was just getting dark out and if they hurried they'd still be able to ride for twenty minutes before it was too dark to see. Draco, who happened to be lingering after dinner wondered what the excitement was about and came up to Harry as they exited the castle, people abuzz with chatter.

"Get your new broom then? They're excited. Remember, I get the first ride."

"Yep," Harry said. "Got it." He held out Ron's old broom and Draco frowned.

"What's this? Where's the Zephyr?"

Harry pointed up at the front of the crowd where Ron was still holding the broom up for everybody to see as they walked.

"Do-gooder," Draco scoffed, and Harry shrugged.

"Want to ride my new broom?"

"Give me that," Draco said, snatching the broom. He leapt on it and rode to the pitch ahead of the crowd. Harry gave a little laugh and picked up the pace to catch up with Ron.

Back in the Entrance Hall, Severus crossed his arms at the front doors and watched as the happy gaggle of Gryffindors plus one Slytherin hurried out to the pitch. Weasley looked a little too happy about Harry's new broom, he thought, and it took him a moment to take his mind off of Harry's big smile to realize what had happened. Harry had given the broom to Ron straight out of the box. Had that been the plan all along?

That night after he sent his owl off with a message for Harry, the reply he got back made him stare. The only word scrawled on the parchment was, "Happy," and in that moment a little pride swelled in his chest. Harry was still Harry, and goodness prevailed in him. Perhaps there was hope after all.

It was a struggle not to let his mind wander up to the East attic during classes though when he was feeling overworked, or when he started to feel a little jealous seeing his friends all riding new brooms while he rode a broom half as fast as his old Firebolt during practice. It was hard at the end of the day when his supply of candy was gone or when he looked at himself in the mirror between classes and realized yet again that he could not continue to eat candy all day because his face was rounding out too much and his jeans were starting to get too tight.

Harry let out a sigh as he passed by the attic entrance for the second time that day. By all rights he shouldn't even be in that corridor, his classes were all on the other side of the castle. He'd tried to stay away, tried not to put himself in this position of being so close to something he really wasn't supposed to have... but here he was. Harry stared at the tapestry he knew held the hidden entrance. The longer he stared at it, the more he craved the red dirt, and the harder he had to fight with himself not to push the tapestry aside and go on a hunt for what he felt like was the devil himself.

One part of his brain was trying to reason with the other half. One side said, you can handle it, they made too big a deal out of all of this, and the other side begged him not to go, not to be that guy again. One side said, you need it to feel good about yourself, because you can't give your friends a new broom every day to feel right about who you are, and the other side begged him to remember that his father was going on faith that he would stay out of trouble. For long moments he stood there, not sure which side would win out, and when he finally took a step back, mentally pulling himself from the battle raging inside, he realized he was sweating and his hands were shaking.
Harry hurried away from that corridor, determined not to go back again, but wishing that he could. It was a horrible feeling to know he didn't want to do it, but also that he did, and he didn't think anyone would understand. None of his friends knew what had happened to him that weekend that he disappeared into his father's quarters, or that he had anything to do with the expulsion of that seventh year. He'd done some fancy sidestepping with words with Ron when he'd asked why the Headmaster had come to ask him about the Ravenclaw just before he got expelled, and in the end Ron seemed none the wiser.

Feeling the need to be as far away from the East attic as possible, Harry headed straight out through the front doors in the main Entrance hall and sat on the cold stone steps. It was almost dinner time, and he wished he didn't have this free period to contend with each day, in which he had plentiful time to wrestle with his desires. Hermione had roped Ron into an extra course this term, and Draco was in Herbology with the Hufflepuffs. He guessed he'd just wait here for Draco to get out of class in an hour as the sun began to set lazily in the sky. Fall was fully upon them now and winter was coming fast, and Harry shivered in a cold breeze. He had only bought the basic necessities in Hogsmead over the summer to replace his old clothes, and a coat hadn't been on the list.

Just as his mind was drifting back up to the East attic again, there was movement beside him and he was surprised to find his father taking a seat next to him on the steps.

"I have not seen much of you lately."

Harry rubbed his bare arms in an effort to make the goose bumps he had go away. "Been busy I guess," he said, looking down at his shoes. He hadn't been to see him because he was still embarrassed and ashamed that he'd whacked him over the back of the head with ‘The Compendium of Magical Beasts in European Culture.'

"You have not been making potions anymore."

Harry shook his head.

"Hm."

They sat in silence for a few moments before Severus gave Harry a not so discreet looking over, and asked, "How have you been?"

Harry had to work hard not to take in a deep breath then, because the truth was, not so good. The more he craved the dirt, the worse he felt, and the more he began to believe he really was a terrible person. He knew his father didn't believe that, but he really did believe that about himself.

"I can't keep eating candy," Harry said. "It makes it so I can't concentrate in class, and I'm gaining weight."

"Yes, you're finally starting to fill out."

"More than that," Harry said.

"Unfortunately I don't know of anything else to help the cravings."

Harry sighed. Maybe it was better to just start drinking the dirt then. It would take care of his cravings and he wouldn't be sucking down candy like water anymore.

"I also have nothing to do in the hour and a half before dinners, if you wish to do something with me in the late afternoons. Perhaps giving yourself something to do will help take your mind off of other things."

Harry looked over at him, surprised. While the animosity was gone now in light of their new relationship, Harry still didn't think his father had a desire to spend time with him. He was reminded of walking around the lake after a fight with the Headmaster and skipping stones, but that seemed far away, like it might not have even happened.

"I'm still not a complete basket case you know," Harry said, aware, that he had been showing this side of himself recently.

"Did I imply that you were?"

"No- I just thought that might be why-"

When Harry didn't finish, Severus did it for him. "Why I wanted to spend time with my son?"

Harry shrugged.

"Perhaps I have lost time to make up for. Perhaps I have need to show you I have a side other than... the basket case side."

Harry looked sideways at him then out of the corner of his eyes and couldn't help but to burst out in laughter for a moment, and it surprised him to see his father allow a small smile to cross his face as well.

"Well, what do you want to do then?"

Severus pulled out a pocket watch, and then said, "We have forty minutes until the last class of the day gets out. There is just enough time to go to Hogsmead and buy a coat."

Harry shivered again then at the mention of the new coat his father would buy for himself, before Harry realized who the man was looking at. "Oh, ok," he said.

They stood up and slowly walked down the lawns towards Hogsmead. It felt good to be away from the castle, Harry realized, and to be out with Snape, even if it was a little awkward letting the man buy new things for him. By the time they got back, Harry had a new sweat jacket, a heavy winter coat, a winter hat, gloves, and a heavy pair of boots which his father promised he would pour water proofing potion over tomorrow afternoon if Harry brought them down to his quarters before dinner. Harry also had a pocketful of new candy from Honeydukes as well, which Severus had bought without protest from Harry when he saw his son's hands shaking despite wearing the new red gloves.

That night Harry lay in bed on top of the covers in the darkness of the dorm room, fighting with himself again not to sneak out of the dorms and go up to the East attic. It would be the easy thing to do, to go up there. He wouldn't even be cold when he got out of bed now, he reminded himself, spying the new brown hoodie draped over the back of his desk chair there in the darkness. He spent a sleepless night worrying about the red dirt, and when he rose the next morning with his friends, the only thing he had to look forward to that day was spending some time with his Potion's Professor before dinner. Between breakfast and dinner however, there was nothing to stop him from venturing up to the East attic, and he found himself passing the entrance and actually trying to psych himself into disappearing behind the tapestry. By his free period he was ready to abandon the time he was supposed to spend with his father to sneak up the stairs, but was intercepted by his father, who happened to be on his way out of the staff room and had spotted Harry.

"I have the water proofing potion ready," he said, and Harry allowed himself to be pulled along by the elder man's smile.

After pouring the potion over Harry's boots, Harry sat shoeless in Snape's quarters waiting for the boots to dry, eating licorice snaps and playing chess with his father. He lost three times before dinner, and was just pulling his boots back on when Severus handed him a package of Muggle gum.

"I had a friend owl this to me. I did not know what flavor you might like, but I thought it might help, as opposed to eating candy. I have heard that the chewing motion helps people quit smoking."

Harry took the package and stared at it. "Thanks," he said, feeling awkward.

"If it works, I will send away for more. Honeydukes doesn't carry gum."

"Ok." At dinner, as he halfheartedly listened to Ron and Ginny talking about how fast their new brooms were, Harry felt strange. His father certainly seemed to care about him, buying him the new winter garments and then the gum. He wasn't used to the Dursleys getting things like this for him just because they happened to think of him, and Sirius... well, he didn't want to go there right now.

* * *

The gum, it turned out, did not help, but once Harry had stopped eating the candy, he was determined not to go back. While it was nice having Snape buy things for him, he decided it was too awkward, and he didn't want him to have to buy him new pants on top of everything else, and Harry just didn't have the money to buy pants the next size... or two, up. So he let his father think that the gum was working, and Snape continued to order it in by owl for the next week. For Harry, getting off of the candy was like stepping on a sword, because it allowed the cravings to come back in full force. It took all of his will to concentrate on his classes through the day and on chess games with his father in the afternoons before dinner. At night he had to study until he was too tired to keep going, so he could go to sleep and not worry about keeping himself from sneaking out of the dorms.

"Are you all right?" Severus asked him a week and half after starting on the gum regime. Harry had just lost a fourth game of chess, and his hands were shaking.

Harry looked up and was aware that sweat was beading on his face.

"Fine," he said in an irritated voice. He started setting up the chess pieces again. It was Saturday night after dinner and his friends knew he wouldn't be back until later in the evening.

"You look unwell," Severus observed, and Harry felt even more irritated that he was prying for information.

"I'm fine," he said, setting the last black piece in place.

"Has the coat been keeping you warm enough? Do you feel feverish?"

Harry's hand stilled over the white pawn he had just placed on the board, and he looked up. His father wasn't asking him about the red dirt? He thought he had a cold?

"It's very warm," Harry said, irritation deflating a little.

Severus motioned for Harry to continue setting up the board and went into the kitchen, where he heard him preparing coffee and tea, and as Harry waited for him to return, he kicked himself mentally, feeling stupid. He still trusts me, he told himself. He hasn't been prying, he's been doing his best to trust me to stay away from temptation, and what have I been doing? I've been concealing the location of the red dirt, I've been making plans day after day to go and get it. I'm not worthy of his trust when the red dirt sits up in the attic waiting for me any time I want.

Just as Severus returned with a cup of coffee, and a cup of tea, Harry stood up and grabbed his back pack off the floor.

"My tea isn't that bad," Severus said dryly seeing that Harry was preparing to leave.

"No," Harry said. "I forgot that I have to do something."

Severus looked at the clock on the wall as Harry hurried for the door. "Be right back," he said, and he disappeared.

Harry raced up through the castle, mind made up. If he turned the dirt over to his father, then he would really have a reason to trust Harry, and Harry wouldn't have to worry anymore about trusting himself. If his father trusted him, it would be good enough.

At the tapestry that covered the entrance to the attic, Harry finally pushed it aside, feeling a little liberated, and climbed the dark narrow staircase, keeping his eyes peeled for any false stones in the walls where the dirt might be hidden. At the top of the stairs, Harry was just about to push the door to the attic open when his foot hit a rough stone in the floor that was slightly higher than the rest, and lit up his wand to shine down to have a closer look. There was definitely something different about this stone. Using his fingers, Harry worked to pry it up and was satisfied when it came free to reveal a hole containing a very large plastic bag of red dirt. Harry stared down at it and licked his lips twice before he reached down and gently lifted the bag out.

"C'mon," he said quietly to himself, "you didn't come here to have some, you came here to take this away from yourself."

With a last longing look at it, Harry slipped it into the largest pocket of his back pack, and replaced the stone in the floor, before hurrying back down through the castle with his find.

After a knock on the door to his father's quarters, the door opened to reveal a rather tense looking Potion's Master on the other side, who let a grinning Harry in and shut the door behind him.

"Did you do what you had to do?"

"Yeah," Harry said, feeling excited about what he was about to do with Devon's stash.

Harry took his bag off and set it on the couch, back to his father, where he unzipped it and pulled out the bag of dirt. He had just turned around with it in hand, expecting to tell his father about finding it, when his father snatched it out of his hand and knocked Harry off balance before dragging him unceremoniously down the hall and into the bathroom.

It took Harry by surprise when he found himself suddenly sitting in the bathtub fully clothed, where he'd been roughly deposited, and the tub began filling with water.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked, brows together. His bum smarted from hitting the bottom of the tub.

"After three weeks, Harry! You lied to me for three weeks!" Severus didn't have to leave the room this time to get the potions he needed, and turned to pull them out of the medicine cabinet where he promptly uncorked them and fought with Harry as he poured them down Harry's throat.

"Wait!" Harry tried angrily, "I didn't do anything!"

"I knew I shouldn't have left you alone. I knew I should have kept you here. You fooled me once, it won't happen again." Severus was furious, but also a little frantic Harry noted as he crossed his arms and sat in the tub of cold water that was now up to his elbows. He refused to look his father in the eye, and saw no point in struggling as he had nothing to hide. Here Harry had thought the man had trusted him, but he hadn't. In reality, he was just lying in wait for Harry to screw up. Had he been watching him like a hawk all these times Harry had come down to play chess with him? Had he been following him around the castle? Trust, Harry almost snorted. Even Sirius, SIRIUS, trusted him more than this.

Severus got down on his knees at the side of the tub and watched the water closely, waiting for it to turn orange as it had the last time Harry had been in it, but nothing happened. Moments ticked by, then minutes, and finally he shut the water off and looked up at Harry, who was still sitting with his arms crossed and staring straight ahead with an angry look on his face.

"You did not take the Asphodel." It was not a question. If he'd taken it, it would have been in the water by now.

"No," Harry spat. Thanks for trusting me like you made believe you did, he wanted to shout, but decided it didn't matter.

"Can I get out now?" Harry spat with venom.

Severus stood up and backed away, allowing Harry to get out of the tub without a fight. His hair was even a little wet from where the water had splashed up onto it. He snatched a towel that was hanging on the wall and ran it roughly through his hair before dropping it on the floor and stomping, soaking wet out into the hallway and into the living room. The dirt was still sitting on the coffee table where Snape had deposited it.

Harry grabbed up his bag and was making for the door when a hand reached out for his arm, but Harry ripped his arm away, shooting Snape a venomous look.

"Why do you have the bag of Asphodel?"

"Why didn't you ask me before just assuming I had taken it? I thought you trusted me!"

He tried to go for the door again but Snape did grab his arm this time and Harry crossed his soaking arms, looking murderous. "I'm soaking," Harry said, tapping his foot, "I'd like to go change before I really do catch a cold."

"Not before you tell me where the Asphodel came from."

"The attic! It came from the East Attic, where Devon left it! Where it's been sitting since he left, where I went to get it ten minutes ago so I could give it to you. Happy?"

"You knew it was there the entire time?"

"Yes," Harry spat. He felt like he could be Crookshanks on a bad day just now, because the anger and sarcasm and hate was better to feel than the bitter disappointment in knowing that his father really didn't trust him.

"And you went to get it because-"

"Because I thought I finally had someone who had faith in me!" Harry ripped his arm free of Snape's fingers now and finally did get to the door, throwing it open and leaving it that way as he stormed down the dungeon corridor, trailing water all the way behind him.

In his quarters, Severus stood, arms limp at his sides and eyes glazed over. He had finally won Harry's trust, because Harry thought he had faith in him, had trusted him? And now he had lost it again, because after finding out his son had been doing Asphodel the first time, he hadn't given him a second chance to be trusted again. There was more to this parenting business than Albus had made it out to be... and if Albus had been wrong about ‘how easy' it would be to slip into the role of Harry's father in their little talk at the start of term, then he would be wrong about other things involving Harry too. That meant that it was up to Severus to muddle his way through this mess that he had made, and it made his chest hurt a little knowing that he had no idea what to do next.

Sirius had fallen, and he would understand what that meant for Harry as well, wouldn't he? To become someone he didn't want to become? Harry didn't think he could ever forgive Sirius for what he'd done to him because inside at night or when he was alone, Harry was still fearful that the man would come find him, harm him, drag him back to Grimmuald Place. He did want to forgive him though.

Mind going in circles, Harry put the pen to the paper. ‘Sirius,' he scratched out, and stared at the name for long moments, as if expecting the man to burst through the door right then. He kept scribbling words furiously after that and didn't stop until the page was filled up. He stared at the words and the anger they radiated until he could no longer control himself from shivering in the cold wet clothes, and began to tear them off to put dry ones on. The other boys were still downstairs doing homework, and he was glad for the moment, because he felt like he had to be by himself now that he'd spilled his anger down onto the page.

‘Sirius,

I don't want you to reply to me. I just want you to listen, because I've fallen, and you're the only one who knows what that is, to fall, to be that person nobody wants to be. I don't want to be me anymore. I'm tired of being this Harry. I'm tired of being the terrified, over worked, burdened down, jerk of a friend, gets everybody hurt, dirt using Harry. I'm tired of not being trusted by my father. So what if I smacked him over the head with an encyclopedia, he never trusted me before that either. So what if I messed up this one time and took the dirt, I was tired of being scared of you and I just wanted to feel good so I could be normal. Don't I deserve a second chance? Why won't he give me a second chance? It's not right. Nothing is right. What you did isn't right. I want to forgive you, but I don't know how, not when I'm still me, this jerk of a godson you have, not when I'm still scared, not when I still want the dirt. Maybe someday. I doubt I'll ever get my second chance.

-Harry'

‘P.S. Don't write back to me.'

Harry breathed out hard through his nose, feeling like he was righteous and his anger was well deserved, and when he had done that, he felt deflated suddenly, and alone. He thought he had gotten a second chance after Sirius when his father had claimed him, told him he'd give him a safe place... told him things weren't his fault. But his father hadn't quite turned out what he'd expected him to be had he? If Snape couldn't trust him, then could he trust Snape? Things certainly felt like his fault, and nowhere felt safe to him right now.

Harry went to his window, opened it, and turned to let Hedwig out of her cage. "Fly fast," he told her. "Don't let him capture you. Bite him if you have to." Her large amber eyes seemed to drink in his words because she hooted then and he was sure she understood. He tied the parchment to her leg, and let her loose. He stared after her out the open window long after she'd disappeared into the night, and he stared out the window for days in his spare time, waiting for her to return.

As it turned out, Hedwig returned three days later, without a letter and looking none the worse for wear, and almost as soon as she'd appeared tapping on Harry's dorm window, he'd sent her off again, this time with a letter for Remus apologizing for not writing sooner and for not saying much when he'd come to visit. He conveniently left out any details about his dirt addiction and about smacking Severus with the book, though he was certain that Sirius would have told Remus by now if they were still in contact, which he hoped they were. Harry secretly hoped that Remus was taking care of Sirius, as strange as he felt to realize that. In the end, when Harry read over his letter, he realized it was little more than salutations and apologies, and had added in the end that he wasn't on speaking terms with his father just now, hoping that it hinted just enough that he was looking for someone to talk to. He didn't expect Remus to make a trip all the way to Hogwarts just for him or anything like that, but he was hoping to strike up their friendship again via owl. Harry was doubling down on candy now that he didn't have the gum (as feeble a help as it was) or his father to occupy his thoughts and time, and he felt like he could use a distraction, because the dirt cravings were stronger than ever.

It was only two days this time before Hedwig came back with a letter from Remus, full of concern for Harry. Harry read it several times the day he got it, and kept it with him, uncertain of how to reply. Remus seemed to know an awful lot about what had happened, and Harry could only conclude that either his father had told him, or that Sirius had. Maybe Sirius hadn't told and Remus had just happened upon the letter while at Grimmuald Place?

Harry decided that if he wanted someone to really confide in, he'd better come clean with Remus and tell him everything, but when he finally sat down to put his thoughts to paper, he was finding it more difficult than he thought. In the end he ended up writing:

‘Remus,

The school came down sick and I was recovering in professor Snape's quarters. I was a little delirious and decided that it would be a good idea to take a heavy book to Professor Snape's head. When all was said and done things had settled down, and I thought Professor Snape trusted me... he really acted like he did anyhow, and he even bought me a warm winter jacket and some boots. But in the end it turned out he didn't trust me at all. He was just waiting for me to mess up so he could punish me. I haven't really spoken to him again anyway, and I don't want to. I wish I didn't have class with him either because he just sits there and pretends not to be staring at me from the front of the room. I know he's just waiting for me to mess up again just like always. I sent a letter to Sirius and told him not to write back. I was just mad and wanted someone to yell at, but I guess you must have already seen the letter.'

Harry pulled the pen away from the paper. He had put down more than he'd expected, exposed more of himself in writing these letters to Sirius and Remus than he'd expected. Now he wasn't really sure what to write. Finally he scribbled his name at the bottom, knowing the letter was really only half finished, and sent it off with Hedwig again. He wasn't sure what kind of reply he'd get. Harry sat back at his desk with a sigh and popped two licorice snaps into his mouth. He couldn't trust Sirius, he couldn't trust his father, he didn't trust Dumbledore... but Remus hadn't done anything yet to break his trust. Remus had always been there for him, showing him how to defeat a dementor and how not to fear fear itself. Harry wasn't afraid of fear now, he was afraid of Sirius, and the dirt, and maybe even a little of being a big disappointment to his father, who'd made no attempt to talk to him since last Saturday when he'd dumped Harry into the tub expecting to cleanse him.

The dormitory door opened and Ron stuck his head in. "You've been locked up here all week after classes," he said. "Want to do something?"

Harry shrugged. "Like what?"

"Don't know. I know its dark out, but we haven't been out in so long. I thought maybe we could go flying or something. It's Saturday and it's not curfew yet."

"You're not worried about getting a howler from your mum when you get caught?"

He grinned. "Haven't been in trouble yet this year. Reckon she can't be too mad."

"Come on then," Harry said, grabbing his new old broom and eying Ron's Blue Zephyr.

"Let's trade back," Ron said, seeing Harry eying his broom. "Just for the night. You haven't even ridden it yet."

"Are you sure?"

Ron nodded with a smile and held the broom out. "Besides, I miss this old beauty. It turns tighter in a downward spiral you know."

Brooms in hand they snuck down through the castle. It was only 6:30 but it was already pitch black outside and they knew they weren't allowed out after dark unless they were with a teacher. On the second floor, they found an unlocked classroom door and went in, using the window to climb out unseen. Ron told Harry that this was a tactic Fred and George often used when they were in school.

"You should start selling potions again," Ron said. "Since Draco stopped a couple weeks back, everyone's supplies are dwindling. And the big match between Slytherin and Hufflepuff is coming up, I bet you could charge extra for the hair gel with team colors."

"Yeah but why would I start selling potions again?"

"So you can get a broom. The new Lightning Bolt just came out. It's supposed to be faster than the zephyr even!"

"Bet that costs a pretty Knut," Harry said as they flew high over the dark castle grounds towards the lake.

"Costs 20 Galleons more than the Zephyr," Ron confirmed. "I can help you sell though, I'm not a bad salesman. When Draco was making the potions I was even selling them to the Slytherins. Made myself 2 Galleons before Draco quit."

"What'd you spend the money on?"

Ron turned and smiled. "Saving it for something special."

"Huh."

They flew for twenty minutes before Harry stopped, hovering over the edge of the lake, and said, "Ok, maybe I'll start making potions again. I think we've wiped the student stocks of Meeka leaf though. That's probably why Draco stopped. If we can get some tonight we can start tomorrow."

They flew to the Northernmost edge of the grounds where the Meeka trees stood and hovered near the top where they stuffed their pockets full of the tiny green leaves and then went down to the ground.

"What about the color?" Ron asked.

"The green and silver are common ingredients, I'm sure there's still some in the supply closet. But for yellow we'll have to get some Jipe Berries. Harry squinted in the darkness and pointed. "Over there."

"They each took a handful, as their pockets were full, and began their short flight back to the open window on the second floor of the castle. Ron climbed in first, followed by Harry. It was a few moments before Harry noticed that Ron wasn't saying anything in the dark room, and looked up to find the Headmaster and his father, both looking a little unhappy.

"If you gentlemen would be kind enough to empty your pockets," the Headmaster said, with no hint of danger in his voice. Harry had a feeling he had opted to speak because Snape would have been yelling by now.

The lights suddenly waved up in the room and Ron and Harry set their Jipe berries down on the desk in front of them and began emptying their pants pockets, front and back of the Meeka leaves. Harry felt embarrassed. Yes, they weren't supposed to be out, but they weren't criminals. He hated being treated like this. As if them emptying their pockets wasn't enough, Snape, his father, came forward and patted their pockets down to make sure there was nothing else in them.

"Would you be so kind to explain what you were doing out after dark?" the Headmaster asked, seeming a little more relaxed now that they'd shown them their find.

Harry looked away, angry and hurt, so Ron said, "I wanted to go flying. Harry and I hadn't gone flying in a while, so I asked if he wanted to go. When we were out, I said he should start making potions again to get enough money for a new broom for himself... since he's riding my old one," Ron lowered his voice at the last. "Then we decided we could probably make the hair gel in Slytherin and Hufflepuff colors and sell it for a little more than usual since they have the Quidditch match coming up, but we knew the supply closet was out of Meeka leaves. Since we were out anyway... well." Ron trailed off.

Through the corners of his eyes Harry could see the Headmaster and his father exchange a glance, and then Dumbledore spoke again.

"While I appreciate your entrepreneurial spirit gentlemen, you are well aware that it is against school rules to go out after dark. I'm afraid I will have to give you both a detention. Mr. Weasley, please go and find Mr. Filch. Mr. Potter, I will leave your detention to Professor Snape."

Ron gave Harry a sorry look, sorry that he'd gotten them both in trouble, before gathering up his leaves and berries and heading for the door with his broom, Dumbledore behind him. Harry could hear Ron's voice in the hallway grow fainter and fainter as he insisted that it had all been his idea from the start, and then it was silent, and Harry was still there with his father, refusing to look at him. He crossed his arms and waited, but Snape didn't say anything.

Harry thought the minutes ticked on, dragging in to hours, but it had only been a minute or two before his father cleared his throat. He was probably going to say something, but Harry snapped out, "What, want to toss me in the tub again? Going to search me some more? Go ahead, and I hate you for it." He wanted to turn his back to him then, because he didn't want to see him, didn't want to see the look on his face anymore, but he felt too uncomfortable to do it. Instead he took a couple of steps back and settled for turning his shoulder slightly. He could still see the Potions Master in his periphery.

"It was not I who saw you and decided to come wait for your return," Severus said after a long, tension filled moment. The Headmaster saw you out his office window. He decided to owl me to assist him, if it was necessary."

"Right, whatever," Harry said, arms still crossed. He felt like a baby then, because he knew he was being stubborn and childish, but he felt like he should have a chance to act this way after what his father had done last week.

Harry heard a long intake of breath followed by a long sigh, and then his father moved to stand next to him before leaning back on one of the student desks. "I always said you were like James Potter, sneaking about late at night and getting into trouble, but if I were to admit the truth, you're also very much like me."

Finally Harry looked over, mouth falling open for a moment before he promptly snapped it shut again and let his face go hard again.

"When I was your age, I was into defense against the dark arts, martial arts, that sort of thing, but I was also very much into making potions, though I'll admit, I wasn't clever enough at the time to think about selling potions to my fellow classmates."

"That was Draco's idea," Harry said, staring out the dark window. The lights had been waved down low again now with the absence of Dumbledore's magical presence.

"Regardless. As often as I would sneak out of the dormitories after hours to duel against... James, and his friends, I was also out on the grounds at night scavenging for potions ingredients that the student supply closet didn't have. A time or two, I was even caught, by the Headmaster," he paused here to address Harry's shocked look, "yes by the Headmaster, off of school grounds in the middle of the night. I had a month and a half of detention starting the first week back of my seventh year because he'd tracked me all the way up into the foothills on the banks of the river," he paused again to address the next shocked look from Harry, "yes, the same river I pulled you from."

Harry crossed his arms a little tighter, more for comfort and support than in anger now.

"At least you weren't treated like a criminal," Harry said, still feeling the sting of hurt of not being trusted.

"If I have treated you like a criminal, I am sorry," he said. "But you are mistaken. The Headmaster did not follow me thinking I was gathering potions ingredients, he followed me that night thinking I was going out to meet with death eaters, which I wasn't. That didn't come until... after Hogwarts."

Harry did let his arms drop then as he leaned against the desk. "I just wanted to ride brooms," Harry said. "I wasn't out gathering drugs."

"I know that, and I did not think you were. The Headmaster wanted me here, just in case, but it was not my intention to treat you like a criminal."

Spinning suddenly, Harry was angry again. "You pretend to like me, pretend to trust me, then you dump me in a bathtub without even letting me talk to you, and accuse me of things I haven't done. You're just like Dumbledore."

"Professor Dumbledore, and yes, I frequently find myself in the position of not trusting people. Perhaps it is the ‘basket case' side," he said, hoping it would soften Harry's angry features, and it did for a moment, just long enough for him to continue. "Children often tend to turn out like those that raised them, whether or not they want to be."

"Dumbledore didn't raise you."

"At school, he did. Again, you and I are more alike than you might think."

Harry waited for more information, but none was forthcoming, and he decided that the man beside him didn't want to talk about it and probably would never tell him the rest of that story.

"Still not right," Harry said, crossing his arms limply this time. The anger was gone, and in its place was hurt and cravings for the dirt, and he fought his mind not to let it wander back up to the attic.

"No, it's not, and for that I apologize. I should have given you a chance to tell me why you had brought the Asphodel down to me. I should have given you that chance to prove yourself. As it was, I saw it, and saw how calm you came back after you had left shaking and sweating, and I made an assumption that you had taken it."

They were silent for long moments as Harry thought. He wasn't sure if his father was done speaking and waiting for a response or if there was more to come from him.

Finally Harry said, "I want to."

"You want to what?"

Harry half smiled then, just for a moment, seeing that his father had at least made that small effort to ask instead of just assuming the worst.

"I want to take it. Every hour, of every day, I want it. There might be more of it in the East Attic, I don't know. I try not to think about it. I thought, I thought if I gave it to you, then I wouldn't have to worry about it, because I could trust you, but then you didn't trust me, and now I don't know if I can trust you."

Severus tried to work through what Harry had just told him. He wasn't sure the boy was putting the proper words to what he was feeling and thought maybe Harry had meant rely instead. He thought he could rely on his father for help, but when his father didn't trust him, he knew he couldn't rely on him. Hm.

"Harry," he put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "I will be here for you. I may not always know what to do, and I may do things wrong sometimes, but I will be here for you no matter what you need. You can rely on me."

"You still don't trust me."

Severus sighed, uncertain of what to say. "You showed me that you could be trusted when you brought the Asphodel to me. It is not you I don't trust, it is the addiction. Strong men and women everywhere have fallen to Asphodel, even years after they thought they had beaten the addiction."

"I don't want to feel like this forever," Harry said, "and plus I'm getting fat. My pants don't fit anymore." He took a chance and let his head fall sideways onto his father's shoulder. It didn't feel out of place there, and his father hadn't pushed him away, so he left it.

"You're not getting fat, you're filling out. You were too thin to start with. Your friend Ron and the other sixth year Gryffindor boys your height all weigh 10 to 20 pounds more than you do to begin with. Not that the sugar is healthy, but you should not worry yourself over the weight gain for now. I will take you into Hogsmead tomorrow to buy some new clothes."

"You don't have to do that."

"No, but I want to, and it is my pleasure to provide for... my son."

Harry lifted his head to look at him in awe for a moment, and then let his head fall back to his father's shoulder, a small smile on his face. "Can we just, stay here a while?" Harry asked.

"Yes."

And they did.

It was Sunday now, and while Harry had been made to spend an hour that morning cleaning out cauldrons, chopping ingredients, and refilling the student potions cupboard as detention, he was feeling pretty good because his father had promised to take him to Hogsmead for some new clothing, of which Harry was in desperate need. When he'd bought clothes over the summer, he'd only gotten a few things, and now winter was upon them, as Harry was forcefully reminded the moment they stepped foot outside to go into town, and found that the first snow had fallen overnight.

It was early and they hadn't eaten breakfast yet, but Harry didn't complain because Severus said they would get something in Hogsmead. Harry was in no rush, he found that he actually enjoyed spending time with his father, and he enjoyed spending time in Hogsmead even more. At the train station at the edge of the village, Severus handed Harry a sack of money so it wouldn't appear to anyone as if Severus was buying it, there were still death eaters out there after all. If any of them saw Harry and Severus, Severus could tell the dark lord that he had been made to take ‘pampered Potter' by Dumbledore, and play it off as to how much Dumbledore really trusted him with ‘the golden boy'. Voldemort had come to expect these things after ‘placing' Severus in the position of Hogwarts spy for so many years.

There was a small Quidditch store at the other end of town, nothing as grand as the one in Diagonalley, but it still held the newest racing brooms, and Harry was able to convince his father to go there first and then work their way back towards Hogwarts. Harry eyed the Blue Zephyr for a few moments before going to look at the Lightning bolt. It too was blue like the Zephyr, but it was more of a sharp electric blue. He asked the shop owner a few questions about it before they left, and headed to the men's clothing store. His father had already told them on the way there that the goal was to spend all of the money in the pouch, so Harry didn't complain or fight when he was told to go back and get more clothes several times. He almost felt overwhelmed by the number of garments they'd gotten. By the looks if it, he'd be able to change twice a day and still not go through all of his clothes in a week. It made him happy, though he didn't admit it.

Purchases shrunk, they made their way to a little café that Harry hadn't been previously aware of down a side street, and got four hot sandwiches to go, along with a mug of coffee and a mug of steaming hot pumpkin hot chocolate. They drank the hot chocolate on the way back up to the castle, and when it was gone, Harry ate his sandwich as he trudged through the snow, happy that his feet were still warm and dry and for the most part so was he.

"Why'd we get 2 extra sandwiches?" Harry asked once they got back into the castle and down into the dungeons.

"For Draco and Mr. Weasley."

Harry raised his brows, and allowed himself to be steered into a brewing room a few doors down from his father's quarters, where Ron and Draco waited at a table hunched over a piece of parchment reading.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked. He was a little disappointed for a moment, because he'd thought he would be spending the day just with his father, but in the next few moments he didn't feel so bad.

"Got lunch Uncle Severus?" Draco asked, and reached out for the bag he was being handed.

"We're going to make potions," Ron said in reply to Harry as Draco dug through the bag and pulled out one of the hot roast beef sandwiches before handing the bag to Ron.

"We're not still in detention, are we?" Harry asked.

"No stupid," Draco said. "We're going to make potions to sell. We reckon we can make the money for another broom by the time Gryffindor plays Ravenclaw before Christmas break."

"How? It took us ages to make enough for the first broom."

"You will be selling some of what we make around school, and the rest will be sold to an apothecary in France that sells potions to Beaxbatons."

Harry raised his brows and Draco spent a few moments telling him that they'd saturated the market at Hogwarts and they'd sold the idea of selling certain desirable potions to the apothecary there so they could make money selling at Beaxbatons.

"And we're making two special batches of hair cream for Triple W for Fred and George. One that makes your hair invisible, and another that changes colors randomly throughout the day. They're paying extra though so we had to promise not to sell those formulas anywhere else."

Harry looked around. "You're all doing this so I can have a broom?"

"Yeah," Ron said. "Because you're too stubborn to spend your money on yourself."

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it again. He wasn't sure what to say. His friends were smiling though and a glance at his father showed him a little smirk there too.

"Is that what those two galleons were for?" Harry asked Ron, and Ron, mouth full of sandwich gave him a thumbs up.

"I made another four Galleons while you were busy not helping me," Draco said, swallowing the last of his sandwich, so that gives us 6 to start."

Harry knew it wasn't Christmas yet, but as they worked together in the dungeons, brewing, laughing, and joking, Harry really felt like it was. His father showed them how to brew several new potions, and at any given time if Harry looked around the little room, there were sixteen or more little cauldrons simmering and bubbling. Whenever a line of them finished, they set themselves up assembly line style, one person tinning potions, another adding labels, another cleaning cauldrons, and another starting a new batch of potions in the cleaned cauldrons. All in all, it had been one of the best days in Harry's remembrance, and he hardly noticed the cravings for dirt at all.

When they were done, there were over 200 tins of invisible hair cream and 100 of rainbow for Fred and George, 2 large boxes of potions, hair creams, ointments, gels, and invisible ink to send to France, and 50 new tins of Slytherin and Hufflepuff colored hair creams to sell at Hogwarts. Draco was the one who had decided to only make 50, so they could raise the price because of a limited supply. They also had about 100 jars of invisible ink to sell around the school, Severus' idea. Harry wanted to stick around in the dungeons and spend the evening with his father and friends, but was too excited to start selling what they'd made and went to the Great Hall for dinner with Ron and Draco to start peddling their good. Even Hermione and Ginny had gotten in on the selling action by making posters for Harry while he was down in the dungeons.

"Harry?" Ron asked after dinner that night when they'd nearly sold out of the ink and Hufflepuff hair gel.

"Yeah?"

"That invisible hair gel we made for Fred and George... it will make your hair go invisible. Recon if we spread it on the rest of our body it would make the rest of you invisible?"

"Huh," Harry thought about it. "Don't know, recon we should try?"

"Uh yeah, imagine the pranks we can pull if we're invisible and without your cloak."

Ron climbed under his bed and pulled out the only tin they'd saved for themselves. Draco had a tin as well.

"Go on, you first."

Ron took a glob of the clear gel and spread it on his shoulder, watching closely, and gasped when his shoulder disappeared after a few moments. "I hope it's not permanent."

"We could start calling you Swiss Ron."

"Shut it." Ron held out the tin to Harry and they got to work covering themselves. When they were done, there wasn't anything left in the tin.

"Can you see me?"

"No, can you see me?" Harry waited, and then said, "I can't see you shaking your head."

"Oh right, no, you're good."

They laughed then and opened the door to sneak down into the common room where they planned on scaring as many people as possible. Unfortunately ghosts were common there at Hogwarts, so they couldn't pretend to be some entity. They could have fun randomly going up behind people and tapping them on the shoulder or knocking books off of desks though. It was only a few minutes before the entire common room was up out of their seats and looking around, trying to figure out what was going on, and Ron and Harry hurried out through the portrait hole to see who else they could prank.

Down through the castle they pranked first, second and third years who had straggled after curfew, scared Pansy Parkinson outside the girl's loo on the second floor, and made professor McGonagall shout in surprise outside her office. They had just come down the steps into the Entrance Hall when they heard a throat clear and turned to see Severus staring at them with his arms crossed. "What is the meaning of this?"

Harry and Ron stayed quiet, but chanced a look at each other only to find that they were visible again... well, sort of. Harry stared at Ron as he stood there almost completely naked. The only thing he appeared to have on was underwear.

"Blimy Harry, you're starkers!" Ron said in surprise then as a gaggle of Hufflepuff girls came out of the Great Hall and began to laugh. Harry looked down and took in a breath. He only had underwear on too. It felt like the rest of his clothes were still there, but apparently they'd remained invisible.

"I take it you tried the invisible gel on your entire bodies?" Severus asked. Harry felt exposed and the girls were still there laughing. He wanted to get away but he knew his father wasn't going to allow it. This was punishment, he decided.

"We might have," Harry said, trying not to sound too guilty, but he couldn't help himself and a little laugh escaped. He raised his brows.

"S' not funny Harry, where are our clothes?"

"Your clothes will be invisible for some time yet," Severus said. That gel reacts different to different things." Harry thought he was going to say something else, but suddenly his arm shot out to his right and grabbed on to something, though Harry wasn't sure what until he heard Draco's voice protest. "Mr. Malfoy," Severus said. "You can wait here until yours wears off too.

Harry thought that his father was getting rather a lot of enjoyment out of embarrassing them then, because some more Hufflepuffs came out of the entrance to their hallway next to the Entrance Hall, and Professor McGonagall had just appeared at the top of the stairs and given a little gasp, which only made Severus' smile grow larger.

Harry crossed his arms, trying to cover his chest up, which still hadn't grown as much hair as Ron's, and Ron had taken to covering his front even though he had underwear.

"What is going on here Severus?"

"Misters Weasley, Potter, and Malfoy decided to concoct an invisibility potion, which they have now discovered makes their clothing invisible for longer than it does their bodies." As if to prove a point, Draco suddenly materialized wearing nothing but Slytherin green boxers with a golden snitch pattern. He took Ron's stance and covered his front with his hands, making the Hufflepuffs gathered there, mostly girls, laugh harder.

"Can we go now sir?" Draco asked, looking cross.

"Wait just a moment," McGonagall said, descending the stairs. "Which one of you was responsible for scaring me outside my office?"

Ron raised his hand before dropping it again to cover himself quickly.

"And am I to assume that if I go to the common room I'll find a house full of frightened Gryffindors?"

Harry blew air up at his hair. "They're Gryffindor, they're not scared."

She motioned with her fingers for the boys to come to her. "You can just march straight up through the castle as you are then and straight through the common room, where you will stand and apologize to your housemates before going to put on new clothes."

"Better hurry Minerva," Severus said with a smile. "The gel may wear off on their clothes soon."

She ushered them off and Harry turned back to give a halfhearted glare at his father, who was giving Draco a similar questioning, still standing there in the Entrance Hall.

As Harry climbed into bed that night, still embarrassed at the laughs and cat calls they'd received upon entering Gryffindor common room, he couldn't feel mad. It had still been a good day, even if it had been an embarrassing one, and they'd earned twenty five Galleons. They were halfway to his new broom. He fell asleep not craving the dirt at all.

"I knew you were too weak boy." He turned and was startled to find Uncle Vernon there in the boys dorm with him, arms crossed and looking foreboding, though he had a smirk on his face. "That's why you're a freak. When you didn't come back this summer I knew you'd be off doing something freaky."

"No, he's not a freak." Harry turned the other way and found Sirius there, half hidden in shadow. "Not a freak at all, just my good for nothing Godson who left me in a lurch. It doesn't surprise me that he's back on the dirt."

"Stop it Sirius." Harry whirled to find Remus sitting on the edge of his empty bed, looking concerned. "It's not his fault that he's weak, he was obviously raised that way. He goes back to the dirt because he needs it to be strong."

Sirius and Vernon laughed then and Lupin jumped up and started waving his finger at them both.

"You're all wrong," came a fourth voice, and Harry turned to find his father, arms crossed and looking stern. "He is not a freak, he is not weak... he takes the dirt because he can't be trusted. It's in his nature. There's no changing what's in your nature..."

Harry bolted upright in bed, sweat pouring off him, soaking his clothes and the bed sheets. He wiped the sweat out of his eyes and stared around the cool dark room. There was no one there aside from the other boys. It had been a dream.

There was a tapping on the window and Harry's head snapped to the sound to find a brown barn owl with a letter in its beak. He pushed the heavy covers off of his legs and went to let the owl in. On the sill it held out it's leg to Harry, and as soon as the envelope was untied, it flew away. Harry closed the window against the chill and the cold wet snow that was drifting down outside and stood staring at the letter for long moments in the darkness, heart still beating erratically from the dream. It was from Remus.

"Harry? S'goin' on?"

He turned to see Ron sitting up groggily in bed and said, "Nothing, go back to sleep."

"'Right, I was just winning the world cup." Ron fell back onto his pillow and Harry could tell he'd fallen asleep right away again by the snores. He pulled out his wooden desk chair and sat down, using his fingernail to open the envelope. It was strange to have a dream with Remus and then get a letter from him right away.

Harry,

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been getting along with your father. Yes, I was aware that you wrote to Sirius, but he would not let me see the letter. He said that you were adamant that it remain between the two of you. Has he written you back? Does your father know that you have been in contact with him? I hope you know that I will always be here to listen to you...

The letter went on with news about how Remus was doing, the full moon (Harry couldn't help but to let his mind wander to collecting asphodel), and a few other things. Thinking that he would rather stay up and write a reply than go back to sleep and risk falling into the same nightmare he had been in, Harry pulled out a fresh parchment.

Remus,

My father has apologized for not trusting me. He organized a potion brewing party for me, Ron, and Draco and we made potions to sell around the school so I could buy a new broom since I'm riding Ron's old one. We made half the cost in a single day. Draco reckons we can get a new one before Christmas. Hermione and Ginny made posters. We made invisible hair cream for the twins and decided to use it to make ourselves invisible... that didn't work so well and we ended up in the Entrance Hall half naked. Professors Snape and McGonagall said we deserved to be embarrassed and made us stand in front of a group of Hufflepuff girls. Sirius has not written back. I told him not to. I don't want to hear from him. I shouldn't have written him to start with. Professor Snape doesn't know.

Harry paused and thought for a moment. His last few letters back and forth with Remus had had little of consequence in them and he almost felt bad for taking up the man's time to read such mundane letters and have to reply. He didn't know what else to say, but also still didn't fancy going back to sleep just yet either.

What do you know about my dad James and the others turning into animaguses? I might like to learn someday. I don't think we're allowed to learn though so I don't think Madam Pince will tell me where to find the books if there are any. Do you get to choose what your form is when you try? How long did it take them to learn?

He wanted to put something about not wanting to ask Sirius, but refrained and ended his letter there.

As he lay in bed and tried to get back to sleep again, hands behind his head and cravings making his mouth water, Harry thought that maybe having an activity like trying to become an animagus to keep his mind from the cravings wouldn't be so bad. He had hardly felt the cravings at all while brewing with his father and friends, or when out collecting ingredients by broom in the middle of the night with Ron. Maybe he just needed something to pour himself into. He hardly had time for it, but it might just be enough to keep him so busy that he wouldn't have time to think about the dirt. He wondered if he could ask his father about it or if his father would shoot him down altogether. He said he could rely on him, but that did not necessarily mean trust. Harry needed this to keep him from needing the dirt, and if his father said no... then he'd be put into a position where he would feel like he had to disobey. No, better to not ask him about this at all.

He fell asleep dreaming of becoming a bird with electric blue wings and a large tail, though Sirius and Remus followed him back into his dreams, where they continued their condescending argument about Harry and his failures.

It was a few days before an owl dropped a small brown book with a leather cover into Harry's lap in the Great Hall. Harry eagerly opened it and found a note tucked inside from Remus. ‘Be careful' it warned. Ron and Hermione had already left for class and so had most of his other friends, and this was the start of Harry's free period so he sat and read without having to worry about people asking what he was doing.

He had never been good with transfiguration, and as he flipped through the pages of the book, it looked like he would have to get better before he could ever manage to turn into an animal. There were complicated diagrams, wand movements, encantations, and astronomical calculations (that he had no idea how to work). The books pages were also riddled with warnings and cautionary tales of witches and wizards who had turned into animals only to be killed by hunters or family members, or who had transformed and decided they liked to live that way better, and then their mind had not let them wander back to their original body. Maybe that's why Remus had chosen to send this book, Harry thought wryly, because it had so many warnings.

Deciding to skip the calculations and other difficult looking pages, Harry skipped to the last chapter that talked about a person's qualities and desires determining what kind of animal they would become. Sly deceitful people often became reptiles, sneaky untrustworty people became insects (which would explain Rita Skeeter), courageous people became a great number of different animals (surprisingly not many of which were ferocious, but were mostly regal, like Eagles and dragons), people who were timid became small creatures so they could hide more easily, people who were afraid became large foreboding creatures... the list went on and on. Harry tried to predict what he might become if he could ever figure out the process... he liked the thought of having wings so he could fly, and an eagle or some type of hawk didn't sound all that bad. He also thought about a lion or something large and fearsome, but thought that that kind of animal might not have many uses if he were ever out in the Muggle world. Professor McGonagall turned into a cat... not fearsome, but she could slip by almost anywhere unnoticed. Harry always paid attention when a cat came into the common room, to see if it was her checking up on them or one of the student's pets... not that he'd ever caught her at it but he bet she had done it many times.

He flipped back to the transfiguration portion of the book and settled in for what was sure to be a long, taxing read, and by dinner he didn't feel any closer to achieving his goal than he had when the book had fallen into his lap. He also wasn't feeling any craving while reading however, so he still considered it a win for the time being.

* * *

"I didn't realize you had become so studious."

Harry looked up to find his father. He was sitting in the corridor with his back against the wall Saturday morning about a week after the book had arrived. He closed it and shrugged. "It's like candy only I don't get fat."

"Hm. Anything interesting?"

He shrugged again. "Not really. Just transfiguration. I'm pretty bad in Professor McGonagall's class so I figure I should get better. It says certain transfigurations are easier under certain star formations at certain times of the month or year, or even times of the night. That makes no sense. It has a bunch of mumbo jumbo calculations to figure it all out."

"Is there a certain transfiguration you wish to achieve?"

Harry shook his head. "No but wouldn't that suck having to do a calculation every time you have to turn something into something else? And then you have to wait for the right time too."

"There are some transfigurations that are only possible during certain astronomical event, but those are far beyond anything taught here... those are transfigurations on a large scale, things that Professor McGonagall might not even try. For the most part the calculations are to help beginners figure out when to make their first attempt. The astronomical events... such as certain constellations being in the sky, help the magic flow easier. Once a person has learned the transfiguration, learned how to wield and shape the magic, they often no longer need the aid of such events."

"Huh. I don't think that will help me in class," Harry said.

"It is information you will be required to know for your NEWTS."

He raised his brows. "Hermione will be upset then, to find out I know something ahead of time before she does," he clarified.

His father invited him down to tea and he went with him. They played chess and Harry tucked the book into his backpack so his father wouldn't get curious and try to take a closer look.

"Were you any good in transfiguration?" Harry asked as he lost a second time. He didn't mind losing to his father as much as he did Ron becuase he felt like he was learning logic and strategy just watching him play. Ron was all about tactics and drawing the opponents attention away from his real plan. Harry had learned all of Ron's moves so he got frustrated when he lost to his friend, but that was not yet the case with his father.

"I received a passing grade, but potions, defense, and arithmancy were my best subjects."

Harry looked up, interested. "You took arithmancy?"

"Yes. So did your mother. She was the one that was good at transfiguration. She tutored me in it when I was failing."

Harry pretended to think for a moment and then asked, "Was she an animagus then? Or a metamorphmagus?"

"No. She was good in transfiguration but her favorite classes were astronomy and arithmancy. She didn't have much interest in transfiguration beyond it's practical applications."

Astronomy and arithmancy... hm. "What good is arithmancy?"

"You asked me earlier about calculating for astronomical events... astronomy, arithmancy, transfiguration, and sometimes runes, are all tied closely together. Arithmancy aside from being very complicated math is the study of numbers and predicting the future with numbers. A good arithmancer can calculate when the necessary astronomical event will occur for their transfigurations."

Harry nodded. Hermione had prattled on about Arithmancy in third year but had stopped when he and Ron had been caught on several occasions not paying attention.

"Aren't there just callendars for that?"

"There are, but they change every year. Arithmancers make and sell them, though they are very expensive. On Diagonalley you can expect to pay at least six galleons for a one month callendar."

"A bit steep," Harry said.

"Not many take up arithmancy after school."

Harry asked his father a few more questions about his mother, arithmancy, and even Runes before leaving his father's quarters. He was really starting to enjoy spending time there with him (especially if he could learn more about his mother).

As he wandered back up through the castle (it was too snowy to go out today), he thought about arithmancy and runes. For the first time since he'd learned he was going to Hogwarts, he was interested in them. As a sixth year he supposed it was too late to get into one of the classes as an elective, even though he did have a free period before dinner every day. He supposed he would continue to fill up that free period with Professor Potter's Animagus Class until he managed it. Until he did manage though, he needed Hermione's help to figure out some arithmancy so he could know when to try his transformation.

Hermione it turned out was more than pleased to start spewing out random information about arithmancy again (much to Ron's dismay), but Harry sat and soaked up as much of the information as he could, even taking notes. Ginny sat with them as Hermione tried to teach him the basics. Ginny wasn't in arithmancy but she was in Runes, and Harry asked if she would teach him the basics of that some time in the near future. When she agreed and her hand suddenly brushed his he blushed. They'd already held hands several times, but they still weren't 'officially dating'. Maybe after his transformation into some majestic creature, he would impress her and get up the courage to ask her. He only hoped he didn't turn into a snake, or bug, or rat. The Weasley's had had enough of rats.

Harry learned from Hermione at night after dinner each night, then went to his room and stayed up late trying to muddle his way through complex calculations. He had checked out a book with a cover that was disintegrating about astronomy and what events were good for certain transfigurations. The closest he could find to an animagus transfiguration was turning large animals into other animals though. Perhaps animaguses hadn't been discovered when this book had been written. The book had an old event calendar in the back, and Harry had to do his calculations from there. He went through nearly forty sheets of parchment by his second week of arithmancy lessons with Hermione before he thought he'd come up with two correct dates. November 23 and December 16th. That was two chances to try to transform. November 23rd was three days away.

Harry tucked the page with the two dates into the back of his animagus book and used a piece of spello-tape to hold it in place, and then went to the overly difficult part of the book about the actual transformation itself. He wished Hermione could help him with this. Apparently there were many ways to trasnform into an animagus. To some people it came naturally. Just as there were metamorphmagus' who could transform their human features at will, there were anamorphmagus' who could transform from one animal to another based on how they were feeling. Harry thought it would be interesting if a person could turn into a cat with wings who could breath fire, or something like that, but apparently that wasn't how it worked according to the book. When someone was a anamorphmagus they could turn into three or even four complete animals. The book mentioned a man from ancient times who could turn into seven creatures, but said most anamorphmagus' only managed two or three at best. And like a regular animagus, they did not get to choose what those two or three animals were.

Harry read and re-read the chapter on transformation in every spare moment he got until the 23rd. He would need a place to try his transformation, but he hadn't yet thought of a suitable place. The room of requirement came to mind, but what if he had wings? He really wanted to fly. He also thought of the North tower, but with tonight's alignment of the plannets and an asteroid, the first, second, and third year astronomy classes would be up there with Professor Sinistra. Harry also did not like the idea of trying to fly from the North tower in a brand new form. What if he couldn't figure out how to use his new wings?

Because it was going to be a clear night, Harry decided on going out into the grounds and around the side of the castle where he hoped no one would look out a window and see him. There was still a foot of snow on the ground, and it was windy, but at least no new snow would be falling on him.

At nine o'clock, just past curfew, Harry snuck out the front doors and crept around the side of the castle to a place with no windows on the lower floors. This side of the castle faced the forbidden forest and he was aware, as hairs prickled on the back of his neck, that at any moment something could come out and get him. He tried to push the thought to the back of his mind and pulled the small book from his coat pocket. Eyes scanning the places he'd underlined, Harry put the book back in his pocket and closed his eyes. He'd decided to try the pure thought pure energy method, a name he'd given to the least complicated of the major methods described. The idea was that if he concentrated hard enough, he could let his energy transform his body from the inside out. He wasn't exactly sure how to do that if he couldn't concentrate on what kind of animal to become, but he tried anyway. Harry tried to let everything else fall away from him, the cold, the hair standing up on the back of his neck, the dampness of his boots and socks, and let himself just be. He stood there for thirty or more minutes like that, and in the end felt rather foolish when nothing had happened. Maybe he'd done his calculations wrong?

He closed his eyes and tried again, but the longer he stood there, the harder it became to concentrate as he grew colder and his hands and face grew more numb. As he traipsed back around to the front doors and snuck inside, he thought, 'just as well. If I had transformed into something large I might have ripped up my new clothes.' Making a mental note to wear clothing he didn't like as much next time, he went back to his room and lay on his bed staring at the dark ceiling. What had gone wrong? He supposed he'd have another 23 days to think about it before the next date came up.

Harry laid off of the studying for a few days until Ginny asked him if he'd like to study Runes. He had lost interest in it but he did want to spend time with her so he agreed and they took up a corner of the common room by the fire for a few nights. There was a large chair, just big enough for them both to sit in side by side and not feel 'too' smooshed, but Harry enjoyed it. Ginny's tutoring was not like Hermione's. Hermione was all business when it came to learning, but Ginny was casual and she joked with him and made him blush while they were learning, especially when she put her head on his shoulder as she pointed out runes in her book and had him repeat them back to her.

"This one means love," she said.

His cheeks turned red. "Love," he repeated. "What's this one?"

"It says love too but it means something different."

"What?"

She looked around. "I think Ron would write to mum if he heard me tell you."

"Oh," Harry was certain his cheeks were so hot at this point that she would feel the heat comming off of them.

"Here," she said on their fourth night studying. "I found this in the library and thought you might like to look at it." She handed him yet another book that's cover looked as though it had seen better days.

"What is it?" he asked. The title was in runes.

"It's a book about transfiguration. I don't know what all is in it. I found it in the library today. I've seen you reading transfiguration books, so I thought this would be good practice for runes."

"Thank you."

"You can borrow my Runish language book and my Rune dictionary with it."

He held out his hand for the small book she had.

"What, this? This isn't the dictionary."

"It's not?"

"No, it's the first year Rune's text. Stay here." She got up and suddenly the seat next to him felt empty and that half of his body she'd been up against felt cold. She disappeared into the door leading to the girls' dormitory and came back a few minutes later with an enormous book that looked as though she really had to work to carry it for it's weight.

"That's the dictionary?" He oggled at it's size.

"This is the dictionary," she said. "It's more like an encyclopedia." She set it in his lap and he sank into the chair under it's weight. It must have weighed ten pounds.

"I'll show you how to use it before you go to bed."

As it turned out, the dictionary wasn't an ordinary book. All Harry had to do was write the rune he wanted on a scrap of parchment and touch it to an open page, and the book would flip pages until it came to the page the rune he wanted was on. The rune would glow for a moment, just long enough for him to locate it and look at it's description. It was slow going, and Harry didn't know why he was wasting his time translating the book when he didn't think it would help him at all, but he did. Impressing Ginny was still at the back of his mind.

After an hour he felt like giving up, but decided to stick with it for ten more minutes and translate the rest of the table of contents. It was when he got to 'chapter ten' in the contents that he paused and stared at what he had translated. 'Ten - The Seventh Animagus Transformation'. Chapter ten had a seventh method for transforming. The book Remus had sent him only had six.

He flipped to the start of the tenth chapter and skipped translating the title, before quickly scribbling out the first few runes and shoving them into the dictionary. Before he was finally ready for bed, at about midnight, he had the first two pages and his eyes hungrily raced from word to word.

'The seventh animagus transformation is actually the original, eldest method. There is a reason why people transform by type. Sixteen types of transformations there are, based not only on personality but on feelings. The seventh and most basic principle of animagus transformation is based on instinctive baser feelings. This is why young children sometimes transform. As the story goes, the first to transform was a boy being chased by a wild animal. With no one to help he decided to protect himself, and there turned into an eagle, who pecked the eyes out of the beast before flying away to safety. Many have transformed based on need, not desire. Instinct outweighs concentration. The important thing is to be aware that you can transform, so that in time of need, you can let your energy take hold to transform you. A wise wizard pays attention to how he allows his energy to take over, so that he can transform again at will. Many have managed a transformation once based on instinct alone, but have never been able to transform again thereafter.'

Harry stared at his untidy handwriting for long, silent moments, Ron snoring somewhere behind him. This was it. He felt it. This was clearer than anything in the book Remus had given him. The only problem was, he'd been in danger a lot of times before and never transformed. He hadn't exactly been aware of the principles of it either though, or that it was possible. Harry wondered then about the boy who turned to an eagle. Had he been aware? Maybe the answers lay in the untranslated portion of the chapter. Harry was far too tired to keep going this night though. His eyes hurt from looking at the strange runes and a headache was setting in along with cravings for the dirt to take away his stress. As he lay in bed he fought with himself over the cravings. One part of him said, 'celebrate your discovery with the dirt,' and the other said 'just go to sleep.' In the end the rational part won out and he fell into a strange dream, where he stood on the North tower preparing to put himself in instinct mode by leaping, only to realize he might not turn into an animal with wings at all.

* * *

Harry continued his lessons with Ginny for two more nights before he told her he didn't want to do runes anymore but that he'd still like to spend time with her. She was the one to blush this time and they sat in the large chair next to each other talking about other school related things as well as Quidditch.

Over the next few days he also translated the last few pages of the runic chapter on animagus transformation and started to plan a 'safe' way to put himself into instinct mode. He would go back outside at night he decided, and try there. He had felt his skin prickle at the edge of the forest, and thought that he might be able to get away with going back to the same spot and not actually venturing into the forest to feel freaked out enough to transform.

Christmas break wasn't far off and on December thirteenth Harry knew that most of the students would be leaving on the train for home. Aside from the astronomical events, the sixteenth would be the perfect time to sneak out and try.

Ron and Hermione were going to stay for Christmas that year, but Mrs. Weasley insisted that Ginny go home. Draco was staying as well since his mother was still missing and his father still imprisoned in Azkaban. Harry's father had talked about him and Draco both coming to his quarters to spend Christmas day, but because Gryffindor was going to be fairly empty, Harry also managed to get him to agree to letting Ron and Hermione come. Harry was excited for Christmas, and for the sixteenth to arrive so he could try his transformation again. He was determined to make it happen, in part becuase if he didn't it would mean more pages filled with tedious calculations that he didn't feel half qualified to make. Maybe after he transformed he could show his father how smart he'd been by figuring it all out for himself. He'd sit there in the living room Christmas morning next to his friends, and turn into an Eagle or a hawk on the couch. He'd never had much desire to prove that he was smart, but he felt rather accomplished now with all that he had learned, and wanted to show that he was capable.

Finally the sixteenth rolled around. He and his friends were the only ones left in Gryffindor, most of Slythern and Ravenclaw had cleared out, and only fifteen or twenty Hufflepuff's remained. With less students in the castle Harry was confident that Filch would be taking a break from partrolling, so he strolled casually down through the castle at a quarter to seven and right out the front doors. It wasn't past curfew, but the Entrance Hall had been empty and he'd escaped unnoticed.

Back to his spot on the side of the castle, Harry ventured even closer to the Forbidden Forrest until it was only twenty feet away. He closed his eyes and felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle again as they had before. He was definitely uncomfortable there in the darkness, but after ten minutes, nothing had happened. He opened his eyes. He had really thought this would work. He stared into the darkness of the trees until the shadows seemed to close in on themselves as he tried to think of what to do. He supposed he could try one of the other ways in the book Remus had given him, but he hadn't understood half of it and some of those ways included taking potions with expensive or hard to come by ingredients.

Harry didn't know how long he stood there thinking, and staring into the woods unseeingly, but finally his eyes came back into focus and he found himself staring at a pair of glowing red eyes in the shadows.

Eyes widening Harry stared for a moment more, just to be certain his eyes weren't playing tricks on him and he really was seeing eyes. Then a low growl emanated from the space between the trees and Harry turned and ran. He didn't know what was in there, and he didn't want to find out and take the chance that he couldn't defend himself with his wand. As he ran and tripped in the snow, picking himself up again, his mind flickered for one horrifying mo­­­ment to Sirius. It might be Sirius, he thought. He could have been in there watching me, waiting to come and get me. He ran harder and as his heart pounded, something strange began to happen. He felt like something warm was flowing out of him, through his fingers, from his feet, out of his head and his stomach and shoulders. He looked and for the briefest moment he could swear he could see sparkling golden light coming off of his arms and hands, and then he tripped and was on the ground on all fours again.

Harry shook his head and tried to stand up but all he managed to do was fall flat on his face in the snow. "Damn," is what he tried to say, becuase the snow was cold on his bare skin, but what came out was a grunt. He tried "what?" but what met his ears was another grunt. Oh. He paused and looked behind him. He expected to see his legs and feet, but what he found were fur and enormous paws. "What am I?" More grunts and animal noises that he couldn't identify. He tried to reach up to feel for his glasses, but his hand... front paw, didn't seem to want to move that way.

Struggling, he got up and found that he was fairly comfortable on all fours. He took an experimental step forward and then another and fell on his face again. He was going to have to get coordinated if he expected to get anywhere, especially if that monster was still after him. He turned to look but there was nothing in the darkness behind him. Snow started to drift down from the dark sky, and Harry wondered that he didn't feel cold. He tried to shrug his shoulders but what ended up happening was that the fur on his back bristled and he didn't like the feeling at all.

After a few minutes of experimentation he had coordinated himself to take a step with his left front foot and right back foot, and then the opposite. It was strange but it worked. He wondered if he could run this way and tried, but for a third time ended up on the ground. How do dogs and cats run with four legs, he thought. They don't do it like this, he decided. Back on all fours again he leapt forward with both front feet, letting both back feet stay airborn for a moment, and then he landed. He did it again and agian and was moving quickly now. He sniffed the air, becuase that was what felt natural and was surprised to find he could smell a good deal more than he could in his human form. He could smell Hagrid's fresh rock cakes for instance, and smoke from a tobacco pipe, and the stench from something far off that was definitely dead and decaying. Thinking that he'd rather not investigate the dead thing, he turned and went back towards the castle.

I'd better transform back now, he thought. Whatever I am the fat lady will never let me in like this. He blinked several times and expected something to happen just because he wanted to, and then huffed, hot air coming out through his nostrils as he snorted. He didn't know how to turn back. He hadn't paid attention when he'd transformed either... he'd been too taken with the energy that had been coming from him. Had it tingled? Had it hurt? Did it feel good? He didn't know, and panic began to set in. Instinct would transform you to an animal, but would it transform you back to a human?

Running again, Harry went straight up the snow covered front steps and used his head to push on the front doors. They opened and he was surprised that they didn't seem all that heavy like they normally did. He shook to get the snow off of him and then froze as he heard several high pitched screams.

Head snapping to the right in the direction of the screams, he found several Hufflepuff girls, eyes wide and panicking as they backed up against a wall.

"Get away!" one shouted.

"Hey, calm down," Harry said, forgetting that it wasn't his voice that was going to come out, and they screamed at his strange noises. He sniffed the air in their direction, not knowing what else to do and was surprised to find that he could actually smell their fear. It was a mixture of sweat and something else mingling with their perfume. Funny, he hadn't noticed that Hufflepuff girls wore perfume before. Finally one of them seemed to come to her senses and ran into their corridor and the others followed, still screaming.

"Well," Harry said, his gruff animal sound coming out again.

There was a shout of surprise then and his head snapped the other way to find his father with his wand drawn on the threshold of the dungeon stairwell. Their eyes locked and Harry wondered how he could get across that he needed help.

He took a few steps forward and his father raised his wand and shouted a strong stunning spell, which Harry ducked.

"Cut that out!" he shouted and what came out was a fearsome roar. Draco appeared just behind Severus but stayed put, looking pale.

"GET BACK!" Severus shouted at Harry, and Harry didn't like his tone. He sniffed the air again and could again smell fear, but this time it was mingled with something else again, something he hadn't smelled from the girls.

"I want help," Harry said, but of course nobody understood. Severus took a step forward and made a stabbing motion with his wand, as if it would scare Harry away, but he didnt budge. Just look at the great mess you've gotten yourself into now, he scoleded himself internally.

"Come on, it's me, don't I have a scar on my forhead or anything?"

"BACK!" Severus shouted again with another stabbing motion and another uncertain step forward. Draco was still in the entrance to the dungeons.

"No!" Harry shouted and it came out a short loud roar. He shook his head in great long swipes from side to side and said, "No no no!"

"Professor wait!"

Just as Severus looked about to fire off a curse or another stunning charm, Hermione had called out from the top of the stairs. Severus' eyes didn't leave Harry's beastly form, whatever it was.

"Now is not the time Miss Granger!"

There was a slight shake to the man's voice and he wondered that he'd never heard it there before... maybe it was his new ears. What was he? Some kind of big dog? He was scary whatever he was, but he was feeling more scared than they could be right now he was certain. What if he got stuck like this permanently? What if they did stun him and dumped him deep in the forest with that red eyed thing?

"I don't think it's wild," she said. "It looks scared."

"Wild animals are the worst to be around when scared," Severus said, wand still aimed at him and eyes not leaving his. He walked sideways to put himself in front of the stairwell and Harry's eyes followed him.

"I mean, I think it's tame."

"And you can tell how?"

"I dont know. The way it looks at you. The noises... it's like it's trying to talk to you."

"Yeah it's saying, feed me!" Draco called irritated from his spot in the safety of the stairwell.

"Watch." She came down the stairwell and Harry looked at her.

"You can understand, can't you?"

Harry gave a nod but his head went sideways and the nod felt weird, diagonal somehow.

"Sit down."

Harry plopped his behind unceremoniously onto the cold stone floor with a thump. He felt... blubberous and strange sitting like this with all four limbs in front of him. He took a moment to look down to see if he could see his underside and sniggered at his overlarge... parts. Maybe being stuck this way wasn't so bad. The snigger came out strange though and when he looked up, his father and Hermione were staring at him. Draco had taken a step out of the stairwell as well.

"Speak to us," Hermione commanded, and Harry grunted and made all sorts of noises.

"Are you a student?" she asked.

"Well what do you think?" he said sarcastically and was surprised when it came out sounding as sarcastic as he thought it should. He supposed the way he tilted his head back and forth helped and wondered if he could roll his eyes in this form. What was he anyway?

"Professor," Hermione said, finally coming to the bottom stair. "I think I know who this is."

Severus turned his head slightly so he could still watch Harry but also acknowledge that he was listening, and she said quietly, "I think it's Harry."

"Thanks for ratting me out Hermione," he said, but then remembered that he did want their help.

Severus finally lowered his wand and Draco whistled from Harry's left, finally coming back into his view and standing next to Hermione.

"Harry."

"Dad." It was a snort.

He narrowed his eyes and swept Harry's hairy body, from his forehead down to his parts. He made a full circle and then came back to stand in front of him.

"You're in a rather large ammount of trouble."

"I know."

"Did you know he was trying to become an animagus?" Severus asked, irritated as he suddenly turned on Hermione.

"No Professor. But he's been interested in Transfiguration lately, and Arithmancy and even Runes. And he's got that marking on his head and the dark rings around his eyes... it looks like his glasses."

"It's not exactly a lightning bolt," Draco said, coming a little closer to Harry now and staring up at his forehead. "Just a darker brown patch of hair."

"Is anybody going to tell me what I am?"

Severus looked up at him. "I do not know how you did this," he said. "It will take some time to undo it. Miss Granger, go and fetch Professor McGonagall."

"Yes sir," she said, and she hurried up the stairs.

Severus took a few steps back to better see Harry in his full form again and though he stood there silently, Draco walked up and patted Harry's side hard twice like one would do a dog.

"Went and turned yourself into a big ugly bear. Good one Potter."

"A bear, is that what I am?" He looked down. His hair wasn't black or dark brown like a bear. It wasn't exactly white either. It was light brown. What kind of bear was light brown?

"An ursid," Severus said, arms crossed and fingers tapping on one shoulder.

"A what?" Draco asked.

"A hybrid bear. Perhpas Grizzly and Polar bear, I am uncertain."

A hybrid? He looked at himself again. What did that make him? A pizzly bear? That sounded lame.

"Maybe he's been cursed," Draco tried, but Severus shook his head.

"No. He has done this to himself."

At that moment Professor McGonagall appeared at the top of the stairs with Hermione, and aside from the fact that she was trying to look stern, she really looked quite pleased.

"A bear Mr. Potter. Really. I had no idea you had this in you."

"Me either," he said, still disappointed in the Pizzly side of himself.

Severus gave her a sharp look but she waved him away.

"You should be proud Severus. He's the only student in school who can transform. The last student that managed in school was ten years ago and he was only a bug."

"Obviously he cannot turn back, or he would not have come into the castle looking like this."

"It's not uncommon, you know that. We only have to talk him through it."

"How long will that take?" Harry asked and Draco said the same thing at the same time. They gave each other a look.

"A few minutes, or a few hours," McGonagall said.

In the end, Draco and Hermione ended up sitting on the bottom step talking to each other and growing bored while Severus and Minerva talked to Harry for an hour and a half trying to help him transform back, talking him through how it should 'feel' to transform back and how it was different than transforming into his animal self. Finally Harry sat (thankfully fully clothed and with his glasses back on) on the stone floor, feeling exhausted and rather exasperated but also glad.

"Fifty points to Gryffindor," McGonagall said. "For acheiving a beyond NEWT level transformation. I'm very proud of you Mr. Potter."

"And detention," Severus said, sounding tired. "For doing dangerous magic on your own."

"Would you buy that it was an accident?"

"Not with the books you've been reading."

"Well it sort of was," Harry said. "I went out to try the seventh form but I ended up getting a little more freaked out that I meant to... something with red eyes was staring at me from the forest trees and I ran and..." he stoped at Severus' half bemused look that said he was only digging himself in deeper.

"I think you'd better stay with me tonight," Severus said, pulling Harry to his feet. McGonagall chuckled and patted him on the back and motioned for Hermione to follow her up towards Gryffindor tower becuase of the late hour. It was nearing midnight.

As Harry lay in bed that night, glad to be back in his own body, cravings returning to him in full and exhaustion trying hard to overtake him, he thought about his little adventure. In the whole time he was in his... pizzly form, or whatever it was, he hadn't craved the dirt once. Maybe after he got over the shock and excitement of the night, he'd try again.

On the threshold of the darkened living room, Severus paused with his coffee halfway to his lips. Case in point, there was a large off white bear sitting on (or rather smashing) one end of his couch, and looking rather guilty as he stared at the still groggy Potion's Master. Severus waved up the lights with his wand and lowered his cup of coffee.

"Again?" He questioned wearliy. If the Gryffindor was sitting on his couch in his animagus form it meant he still needed help transforming back. Not how Severus had envisioned spending the next hour (or two) of his morning.

The bear form of Harry grunted and Severus took it as a yes. With a sigh he sat down on the couch across from Harry and set his coffee down.

"I should leave you like this," he said wryly.

Harry grunted again.

"You don't think so? I would have thought that after last night you would have learned a lesson. I thought we discussed that you should not be preforming complex transfigurations on your own."

Another grunt.

Severus sighed again and gave Harry a hard look, and Harry, as a bear, gave him a very sorry look back. It almost made Severus want to snort... almost.

Taking the opportunity to speak since Harry could not argue, Severus said, "What would even possess you to try this in the first place I don't know." He set to work talking Harry back through the transformation, and though it didn't take as long as it had the night before, it was breakfast time by the time they were finished, and both of them were hungry.

"I think it would be wise to figure out how to transform yourself back before you transform into anything else again."

"How will I know when I can do it on my own if I don't transform again?"

"With practice. You may practice here, when I have time to help you. It would be unwise for you to continue showing off your form to others in any case. In your situation it would be to your advantage to have the ability to transform into an animal, yes, even the form you have taken," Severus added at the skeptical look on his son's face. "If you let everyone know what your form is however, the ability becomes useless when you are facing down Voldemort."

"Well no one has really seen except for you, Professor McGonagall, Hermione and Draco, have they? I mean, the Hufflepuff girls don't know it was me in the Entrance Hall last night."

"Even so, if I find that you are using your form around the castle in front of other students when it is not necessary, there will be consequences."

Harry crossed his arms and frowned. What consequences? "Detention?"

"I no longer have the benefit of being only your professor. That is not to say that I am not benefited by being your father, but that I can not simply send you to detention and wash my hands of you. It is my responsibility now to ensure that you learn certain things."

"What does that mean?" Harry wasn't sure he liked where this was going, even if he was confused about where it was going.

"I will ground you if necessary." At Harry's blank look, Severus felt the need to clarify. "I will take away privelages."

Like food, Harry thought, hating that he was suddenly reminded of four Privet Drive.

"So I have to do exactly what you say at all times or else be punished?"

"I did not say that, but it would be appreciated if you would listen to me." He had to work very hard to restrain himself from using the word 'obey'. Even walking on eggshells as he felt he was, Severus could sense the teen's change in mood and demeanor. He seemed like a trapped animal, and for a brief moment Severus pondered on the irony of that considdering that less than five minutes ago his son had been a bear.

"Breakfast will be over if we do not hurry. We can continue this discussion later." Severus rubbed his forehead and watched as Harry headed to the door. When he was gone, Severus went to change and to think over the bungled conversation he'd just had.

Ron and Hermione were already in the Great Hall, sitting at the Ravenclaw table with Draco. During the holidays most students chose to sit at a single table, but because the rest of the students were at Hufflepuff table, and they were waiting to discuss Harry's new ability, they sat at Ravenclaw.

"Is it true Harry?" Ron asked before he'd even gotten a chance to sit down.

"Is what true?"

Ron leaned in conspiriatorily and whispered, "That you can turn into a bear."

"A big ugly bear," Draco said with a smirk and Harry nodded. He had to agree, though he hadn't seen himself in a mirror yet. This morning when he'd woken with full cravings for the dirt, he'd considdered transforming in the bathroom so he could get a better look at himself, but the space was awefully small. Maybe he could try in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom... but his father's words came back to him and he wrinkled his nose. He wasn't allowed to try transforming anywhere else or he'd get grounded. Harry didn't know what the man had in mind for grounding him, but he imagined a week long detention or days on end without food, or maybe even getting his new warm clothes taken away.

"Mum can transform," Ron said then, bringing Harry back to the conversation.

"She can?" Hermione asked.

Ron nodded with wide eyes. "Bit frightning actually. I've only seen her do it twice. She's this big mean wolf, and the hair on her back stands up on end and her shoulders hunch up..." Ron tried his best to impersonate Mrs. Weasley in her wolf form, but only succeeded in making Hermione cover her mouth to hide a laugh.

"Your mother, a wolf," Draco said, shaking his head with a smile.

"Really, she is," Ron insisted. "One time we were out on Diagonalley. I was only four or five, but someone tried to snatch Fred and she dropped her bags right there in the middle of the street and chased him down. He was so surprised he let Fred go."

"And the other time?" Harry asked, but Ron gave Draco a sideways glance and hesitated.

"OH!" Draco suddenly shouted, drawing attention to their small group and making Harry jump a little. His face turned red briefly but then he lowered his voice and turned to Ron. "It was her! It was your mum that chased him after second year wasn't it?"

Ron turned a little red then and didn't answer.

"What?" Hermione asked.

Draco shook his head. "At the end of second year, my father was in Diagonalley trying to secure a new house elf when suddenly this wolf comes out of nowhere and chases him down the street. He tried to hex it but in the end he had to apparate away. The wolf took a bite out of his best cloak! It was your mother."

"Well he gave Ginny that diary and she and Harry and I almost got killed in the chamber!" Ron said defensively.

But Draco threw his hand down then and said, "You'll get no argument from me. Mother was furious when she found out what father had done. She said anyone, even pureblooded children could have been in danger."

"Can your father transform as well Ron?" Hermione asked, but he shook his head.

"You recon you can teach me Harry?" Ron looked hopeful.

"Uh... I'm sort of in trouble for learning it myself," Harry said.

"What? That's crazy! Hermione said you got points for managing it!"

Harry went on to explain that his father was angry with him just now, and about transforming again that morning in the living room on the couch (which was now slightly crushed on one end), and about how he'd been told not to transform any more or in front of anyone else.

"Come on," Ron said. "That doesn't apply to us. We already know. And besides, imagine all the points we could score on our NEWTs if we could manage. I'd like to be something ferocious. Maybe not a wolf or bear, but something."

"I don't think it works like that," Hermione told him. As Harry ate he let Hermione explain about the different types of animals one could become based on your personality (apparently she'd read up since Harry's preformance last night).

"Well I'm going to try," Ron said. Draco nodded, and although Hermione's lips were tightly shut, Harry had the feeling she was going to try too.

"Maybe-" Harry paused. When his friends were looking at him, Harry hedged, "Maybe my dad can help."

"Right," Ron snorted. "He doesn't even want you transforming."

"Well it's worth a try," Harry said. "I barely managed in the first place."

"Barely," Ron laughed, and Harry frowned. "Bear-ly" Ron said again, and then Harry understood, but he didn't laugh. He wanted to help his friends, but if he went behind his father's back again, he was afraid of whatever punishment might be doled out to him.

After breakfast, Hermione said she had some studying to do, and Draco wanted to go to the library to find his own books on Animagus even though Harry told him he could use his copy.

"Well I want to see it," Ron said as they watched Draco's back as he walked up the stairs in the Entrance Hall.

"It's actually down in my room in the dungeons."

"Well go get it. I'll wait."

Harry hesitated, and then asked, "Do you want to come down with me?"

"To Snape's quarters? I don't want to get my head ripped off, thanks."

"I think I'm allowed to have friends," Harry said, but he sounded uncertain. Dudley had always been allowed to have friends over, and he'd been to Ron's house before... and besides that, it seemed that Draco came and went as he pleased. Then again, Draco was his father's godson and perhaps he'd been giving permission before Harry had come along.

"Just- just a minute," Harry said, and he hurried back into the Great Hall, leaving Ron to wonder what he was doing. He was back in no time however and motioned for Ron to follow him down into the dungeons.

"What did you do?" he asked skeptically.

"Asked if you could go into the quarters with me. Draco comes and goes."

"And he didn't have a problem with it?"

"He said it was ok."

Once they were inside the Potion Master's quarters, Ron gave it a very thorough looking over. "It's different than I thought."

"Yeah," Harry said, "I thought the same thing."

"And you stayed here for the summer?"

"Just the last part of it. The castle was empty and Draco was just down the hall in Slytherin, so..."

"Where's your room then?" Harry lead him down the short hall to the guest room across from the bathroom. It wasn't exactly his room, because aside from some scratches and dents he'd put in the furniture when he was being... detained, everything was the same as the first night he'd spent there under the bed.

"Here it is," Harry said, sitting on the edge of the bed with the book. "I've already read through it several times, so you can take it. But I didn't use any of the methods in this book to transform. There's a seventh method I used in a book Ginny found for me. I had to translate it first."

Ron flipped open the book to a random page and Harry let him read for a minute.

"How did you do it then?"

Harry set to explaining trying to calculate the right time to try his transfiguration, going out to the forest to 'scare' himself into it, and finally managing even though he didn't know what he was.

"When can I see?"

"I have to wait for my dad."

"You may try now if you wish."

Both Ron and Harry jumped and were surprised to find Severus in Harry's doorframe. They hadn't even heard him come back into the quarters, and Harry wondered if there was a secret entrance somewhere. He looked at Ron, who looked uncomfortable and like he'd just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Here?" Harry asked.

"I believe it would be wise to save the furniture and find a bigger room to practice in. Dungeon classroom A perhaps?"

Harry nodded and he and Ron followed the Professor out of the quarters and down several corridors until they came to the room usually used for first and second year Potions.

Severus cleared the tables and stools to the sides of the room with his wand, and then motioned with his hand that the floor was Harry's.

"Well?" Ron asked after a few minutes.

"I- I need a minute. I have to feel like I need to transform. Like I'm in danger."

Harry cast his mind about for anything he could use and tried to avoid thinking about Sirius, as he had done this morning, and his mind instead flitted back to the punishments his father had promised him. His stomach clenched tightly and he remembered what it felt like to be in his cupboard back at Privet Drive.

"Whoa! That's awesome Harry!"

Harry opened his eyes, unaware that he had transformed, and found himself higher up than he'd been a moment ago and staring down at Ron. He remained quiet as Ron walked around him in awe.

"Not as scary as mum, but still nice."

"Really?" grunted Harry. Draco thought he was ugly, but Ron seemed to like the form he'd taken.

"What are you again? A grolar bear?"

That sounded better to Harry than a pizzly bear, so he nodded his head in the same awkward way he had the night before.

"You're huge. You could just sit on anybody who bothered you."

Harry felt like his cheeks were turning red then in embarassment, remembering the crushed couch, and didn't know if that was possible since his face was covered in hair, and suddenly found himself back in his own body at his own height.

"That was fast," Ron said. "Do it again."

Harry flexed his fingers, and shrugged.

"What were you feeling when you transformed back?" Severus asked. It had taken him almost an hour to help Harry this morning, and the Gryffindor had just managed it on his own in just a few seconds.

"I was thinking about my cheeks turning red and how that felt when Ron mentioned crushing people, because I thought of the couch. And then I was back to myself."

"That is, interesting. You were remembering what it was like to be in your own body."

"Wait," Ron said, and he opened the book back up to the page he had randomly flipped to earlier and handed it to Harry.

"Is that like this... the fourth form of transformation?"

Harry took it and read over it again. It was. The book described feeling what it was like to be himself, or to be in his animagus form. He couldn't do that before because he didn't know what it felt like to be a bear, or to be himself as compared to being a bear, but now he did.

"Let me try," Harry said, and he thought about the way he would awkwardly nod his head sideways and how that felt, and he transformed again.

"Try to transform back," Severus said, and Harry tried to think of something aside from being embarassed and feeling his cheeks turn red. Instead he thought about flexing his fingers, and subconsciously he tried to flex them when they weren't there. His claws scratched at the stone floor and then he found himself standing before them as a man again.

"That is... impressive," Severus said. He had read about animagus forms many times over the years, and was well aware of the mechanics and complicated theory of the subject, but had never managed to transform himself. Harry had seemed to master it in under 24 hours.

"Once more," his father told him, and Harry went through the cycle of transforming to a bear and back again, hoping his father would be satisfied and allow him to transform other places whenever he wanted. He still had the idea to go to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and look at himself in one of the many mirrors.

"I have to try that," Ron said.

"It is dangerous and there are many things that can go wrong," Severus said, and Ron shrugged.

"My mum can do it. I recon she wouldn't mind if I tried."

"Perhaps you should write and ask before you begin. Perhaps Professor McGonagall would be willing to tutor you in the subject."

"They would let us learn?" Harry asked.

"If you would have asked or expressed interest in the subject, you would have most likely found your head of house, or the headmaster willing to teach you. Professor McGonagall learned to transform when she was in school from Headmaster Dumbledore."

"I'm going to go ask. Harry, can I borrow this?"

Harry nodded and Ron hurried out, perhaps excited to go and find McGonagall and perhaps wanting to escape the sudden tension between Harry and his father.

Suddenly alone, Harry was feeling the tension too.

"So... can I transform other places now?"

Severus gave a single nod and then lifted his wand to move the desks and stools back into place.

"I am curious," he said when he was done, "why you did not come to me to ask for help with your... project, especially given the dangerous nature of it."

Harry began playing with his fingers. Would he be in trouble for telling him the truth? Because the truth was, he didn't tell him because he thought he would say no, and that was like disobeying just the same as if he had said no and Harry had done it anyway.

"I didn't want you to say no."

"You didn't want me to say I would not help?"

"I didn't want you to say I couldn't try. I just wanted something to pour myself into, to keep myself busy."

"Because of the cravings?"

Harry nodded.

"And you tried to transform in the living room this morning because?"

"Because I woke up with really strong cravings and when I'm in the... pizzly form," he winced as he said it, "I don't feel them at all."

"It is possible that because you attained the addiction in your human form, that the addiction would not transend the link between your human and animal form. I am brought back to my original question however. Why did you not ask me for help, or tell me that the cravings were that bad?"

"Because they're that bad a lot of the time, and I didn't want to bother you. I need to learn to handle it on my own. I can't come running to you every time I wake up at night in a cold sweat, or in the middle of the day during class, or..." he trailed off, a little upset now, because he realized that it really was most of the time that he was still struggling with the dirt and the desire to go and find some (or a lot).

Severus leaned on a student work table and crossed his arms. Harry was aware the man was staring at him, but he didn't want to look up.

"Would you have gone to your aunt and uncle for help if they were here?"

Harry scoffed then. "Definitely not."

"What about to Black?"

Harry swallowed hard. He didn't know. Maybe he would have before... he had spent a lot of time writing to Sirius about his problems before he'd gone to stay with him during the summer. Even now that he was afraid of his godfather, he had still written to him, even if it was only to rant.

"The book you have on transfiguration is one from the restricted section of the library, one I know for a fact is still in it's place at the library, so I assume you have obtained it from an outside source."

"You think I got it from Sirius?"

Severus didn't answer, only stared. He was aware from years of being a teacher and diciplinarian that staring and staying silent worked well to make others uncomfortable enough to answer, even if they didn't want to.

"I didn't," Harry said. "I wrote to Remus and asked him if he knew how it was done. He sent me the book."

"I was unaware you were in contact with him."

Suddenly angry, Harry snarked, "Well I wasn't aware I had to make you aware of everything in my life!" He turned to go for the door, but it closed of it's own accord and Harry spun back around to find his father with his wand out.

"I did not say you had to tell me everything, I was merely making a statement of my own ignorance to the situation."

Harry felt like he should deflate a little, but he was still on edge. He wasn't certain if he was in trouble or not for witholding information from his father. He seemed to want to know everything... wanted Harry to rely on him for things that he'd never relied on anybody else for before. How was he supposed to know what to do? He'd never been in a family before, never had an adult aside from Remus and Sirius to fall back on before. It seemed like there were just too many new rules to follow.

"I don't know what you want from me," Harry finally said, feeling sick with the uncertainty that had been flooding him all morning since he'd crushed the couch and upset his father. His response seemed to take Severus by surprise.

"I- do not want anything from you," he replied, but that wasn't what Harry wanted to hear and Severus could see that from the look on his son's face. "Please clarify what you just said."

"I haven't had a parent before. Sirius was the closest I came and Remus was the closest before that. They had no expectations of me. You have all these rules that I don't know about. You want me to tell you things or else I'll be punished. I don't know what the punishments are or what things I have to tell you and what I can keep to myself. You want me to be this other person I don't know how to be. If you would just tell me what you want, then I can know how to be."

Severus furrowed his brows, opened his mouth, and then shut it again. He really hadn't set any expectations for the boy other than to be honest and not to transform until he had figured out how to control it. Yet Harry had come up with all sorts of expectations Severus had and hadn't even realized. The boy was apparently very observant and also anxious over said observations.

"I would like to get to know you better, and I would like for you to get to know me well enough to know that you can trust me, and that I am here to help when you need it. I would like you to be able to rely on me, but I am also aware that it is not something I can force on you. I was surprised to find that Lupin had been writing you letters all summer, and I was surprised again to find that you were in contact with him later to learn how to become an animagus. I had feared that you had started writing to Black." He paused. That wasn't exactly true. He was afraid Harry had contacted Black and forgiven him. Not only was it dangerous to go back to Black, but it would mean Harry had chosen an abusive godfather over him, and that was saying volumes about his parenting.

"You have learned to rely on yourself, and I can see now, that you have not yet learned to rely on my help." Of course, it hadn't helped that the one time Harry had tried to rely on him by giving him the stash of Asphodel that he had misread the situation and treated Harry poorly.

Severus ran through the things Harry had said in his mind. "As for punishments, I may sometimes have to give you detention for breaking school rules. That I cannot help being staff. I can assign your detention to other professors if you prefer. There are times when I may need to ground you by taking away privelages however. I can assure you I would never treat you as Black did or harm you in any way. What were your punishments when you lived with your aunt and uncle?"

Harry took a deep breath and let it out. That he didn't want to talk about, though it was good to finally know what his father expected of him.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I am aware they did not like you. Did they treat you like Black?"

"Not exactly." Harry's stomach rumbled then and he realized they'd been down in the dungeons for quite some time.

"Would you like to go out for lunch?"

Harry nodded and they made their way quietly back to his father's quarters so his father could get his cloak and Harry's new warm coat which was also there from the night before. They made their way through the falling snow to Hogsmead and got an order to go of hot sandwiches and warm pumpkin hot chocolate. Harry would have liked to have stayed there and eaten, but he knew they couldn't afford to be seen together and on good terms out in public because Voldemort could have spies anywhere.

Harry ate his hot sandwich with one hand and drank his hot chocolate with the other, glad that he had something hot to keep him warm on their slow trek back to the castle through the deep snow.

"What are your expectations of me?" Severus said after Harry had finished his sandwich and was getting ready to finish off his hot chocolate.

"What?" He seemed surprised.

"What expectations do you have of me?"

Harry gave a little shrug. "I don't know."

"If I have expectations of you, it is fair for you to have them of me also. I have never had a son before."

Harry allowed a small smile to come over his face. He'd been so focused on himself and how he was struggling with the situation that he'd forgotten all about the adjustment his father had been going through. Just a few months ago they were enemies and Snape had hated him. Now they were family and the Potions Master had made an admirable effort to keep his usually snarky demeanor at bay, at least arround Harry. He supposed he hadn't made it easy for him either, especially getting hooked on the dirt like he had. And then comming up on him in the Entrance Hall as a bear...

"Just... be nice to me."

"Have I not been?"

"I mean..." he didn't want to think about it, let alone say it. Not that his father didn't already know, but he hated to talk about it. "Don't hurt me. Feed me and stuff. Don't- don't lock me up just because you don't want to deal with me."

Severus withheld a sigh. He hated knowing that if Harry was asking for these things, then these things had been done to him in the past. He didn't expect Harry to say anymore, but he continued.

"If I got in trouble at the Dursleys, they locked me in my room... the cupboard under the stairs. Or they locked me out of the house and I had to sleep in the shed. And if I missed a meal, or more because I couldn't make it to the kitchen, then it didn't bother them any."

"It is unacceptable to withold food from any person, let alone a child, or to lock them away and out of sight. I will never do these things to you."

"What will my punishment be then when I'm grounded?"

"Are you asking because you plan on getting grounded?" He'd meant it to be a joke but Harry hadn't seemed to take it that way, so Severus continued. "As I said before, I will take away priveleges. Flying, spare time with friends..." he trailed off realizing that he didn't know what other things to take away from Harry because he still didn't know him that well. When he glanced over, Harry was staring at him.

"Food and safety are not privelages. Those will not be denied to you."

"Will you take my new clothes away?"

"No. Those are all basic necessities. Did your relatives not clothe you?"

"No one ever bought clothes for me before you did. Except Mrs. Weasley always makes me a sweater at Christmas, or a hat or gloves."

Severus shook his head as they passed over the threshold of the school grounds. They continued on in silence until they were almost to the steps leading up to the Entrance Hall.

"Christmas," Harry said suddenly, and they stopped walking.

"What about it?"

"I've never had a real Christmas."

"You said you had received presents before."

"I always spend Christmas alone, except last year I got to spend it at Grimmuald Place, and in my first year Ron stayed behind with me in the common room. I never got to spend it with family."

"I expected that you and Draco would spend Christmas in my quarters this year."

"Well Ron and Hermione are here, and Gryffindor is empty otherwise. Can they come too?"

Severus looked up at the sky. His home full of teenagers for an entire day. He supposed he could survive it if that was what Harry wanted.

"That is acceptable so long as there are no more transformations, accidental or otherwise in the living room, by you or your friends on Christmas or Christmas eve." Harry grinned.

"How'd you know they were all going to try?"

"Once they saw you, it was only a matter of time."

Harry laughed as they continued up the stairs. "I don't think a pizzly bear is anything to aspire towards."

"When you say it like that, it is not. Perhaps if you refer to yourself as an ursid..."

"An Ursid. That's not so bad. Better than pizzly and grolar." Harry laughed again as they went inside.

Severus himself had not had many 'real' christmases. Before his grandmother had died he and his mother had had a few Christmases with her, but that was when he was too young to remember. After that Christmases were always barren and often dissappointing until he went home with Lily in their sixth and seventh years to spend Christmas with her family. He supposed he'd have to draw on those few experiences to put something together for Harry and Draco. Presents he had already taken care of for the two boys, but his quarters were another matter, which was why he was on the hunt for Hagrid, who was not in his hut and could not be found in the castle either.

"Minerva," Severus said, catching the woman on her way to lunch in the Great Hall. "Have you seen Hagrid?"

"He was with Argus. I believe they were dipping into spirits early. That was hours ago, I doubt he'll be in any shape to speak to now."

Severus frowned.

"Was there something I could help you with?"

"I need a Christmas tree."

"A tree? Severus, I had no idea you had so much Christmas cheer," she teased, eliciting a dour look from him.

"I am not. Harry and his friends will be spending Christmas in my quarters, and I have no decorations."

"I see," she said. "And since you never help the staff put up decorations in the castle, you don't know where they're kept either."

Severus let out a low growl and she laughed. "Oh Severus, you know I'm only teasing. The rest of the decorations are in the storage room next to the kitchens, and when I see Hagrid I'll try to sober him up to get you a tree."

"By tonight, please."

"Oh, it must be important. You said please." She laughed again at the look on his face and went into the Great Hall. Severus had barely turned to make his way to the storage room by the Kitchens when Albus came striding out with a large, overly cheerful smile on his face.

"Severus, there you are."

"Make it quick," Severus said, in no mood to endure more teasing from his colleagues.

"Perhaps we can talk on the way to whatever task you are in the middle of completing."

"If you wish." They set off for the Hufflepuff/Kitchen corridor and once they were inside the large storage room, Severus began rummaging around through boxes.

"Ah, I see you're looking for Christmas decorations. Can I assume they are for Harry?"

"And his friends."

Albus clasped his hands together as if he were pleased, and conjured a box from thin air for Severus to put the things he needed in.

"I wanted to ask you about Harry. Minerva said that he managed a full animagus transformation. A bear was it?"

"An ursid. I believe he is part grizzly, part polar bear."

"And I can assume you will not be registering his form with the ministry?"

"Not until after Voldemort is gone, unless you wish him to give away all of his advantages."

"No. Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley have both approached Minerva and asked for her help learning to transform. I thought that with how close Draco and Harry have grown that he would also ask for help, but I believe he no longer needs it."

Severus stood up straight from the box he'd been rummaging through and turned to face the Headmaster. "Meaning?"

"I was on my way to see Professor Flitwick this morning when I saw a white fox running down the hall. Being naturally curious I peeked around the corner, and the fox was gone."

"And you just assumed it was Draco."

"Given the recent curiosity Harry's friends have in the subject, and also given that I have never seen a white fox the color of Mr. Malfoy's hair until today, yes, I assumed." He smiled then and Severus narrowed his eyes and turned around to look through another box.

"I will speak to him about it."

"Don't mistake my comment on the matter as displeasure Severus. I'm pleased that students have taken it upon themselves to further their knowledge and education and have achieved such results as a result of their perseverence and curiosity."

"Of course," Severus said, but he wasn't happy about it and Albus knew it. He wondered if the Headmaster had lauded the accomplishment of Black and his friends for becoming animagi when they were in school, even though it lead to Severus almost getting killed, and thanks to Pettigrew's trick of betraying the Potter's and blowing up the street, Black getting thrown into Azkaban. If Severus followed Lupin's line of reasoning, then Pettigrew's ability to turn into an animagus was also responsible for turning Black into an abusive guardian. Severus didn't believe it however because he knew what Black had been like in school. Nothing more than a rich, bully.

"To answer your question, Harry is fine. He wanted to keep himself busy and stay out of trouble, so he wrote to Lupin and asked him for a book on Animagus transformations. Lupin in kind, replied, leading to the incident in the Entrance Hall the other night."

"It is curious that he turned into a hybrid bear. I would think one or the other but not both."

"I am uncertain why it matters."

"It doesn't my boy. It was only a curiosity. Perhaps he simply does not know which one he wants to be." Severus turned again to see the elder man's infurating all knowing smile. He reached out and took the box and began filling it wil ornaments and garlands that looked as though they had seen better days.

"I'll leave you to it Severus. I am glad to hear that Harry is well. Can we expect you at the feast tomorrow night and on Christmas?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful! Have a good evening Severus!"

"Indeed."

* * *

"It is tradition that you should open one present on Christmas eve," Severus said to Harry as he lead him and Draco down to his quarters after the Christmas Eve feast."

"We have presents?" Draco asked.

Sensing the unasked question about his parents, Severus clarified, "From me."

"And me," Harry said with a grin, as they entered the quarters.

Harry's Christmas eve present was a new red scarf and mittens, as it turned out, and Draco's was a new green scarf and mittens. As they drank hot cocoa and played chess on the floor in front of the fire, the boys commented on Severus' Christmas decorations, which had been as much of a present for them as had the gloves and scarves. There was a small tree next to the fireplace decorated in red and green ornaments, with white tinsel going around the tree and fairy lights placed on random branches. There was also white and blue tinsel on the mantle above the fireplace and along the edges of the bookshelves against the wall. When Harry went to put away his gloves and hat in the guest room, he found that this room too was decorated with tinsel and the ceiling had been enchanted to have falling snow that never hit Harry or the furniture or ground. Draco found Christmas ornaments hanging from the bathroom ceiling, and tinsel strung around the kitchen.

"Mother would have had a fit," Draco said with a laugh to Harry when Harry came back out of his room, but Harry was grinning.

"I love it. I've never had decorations in my room before."

Harry wasn't aware that his father had heard them, but he had, and he smiled at Harry's response.

They left that night with instructions to bring their presents back the next morning before breakfast, and to plan on spending the day until at least lunch, and Harry relayed the information to Ron and Hermione. Hermione seemed pleased, but Ron seemed uncertain.

"It will be fine Ron, honestly. Why do you always have to expect the worst?"

"Because he lives in the dungeon. Christmas in the dungeons Hermione. It's like something from a Muggle horrible movie."

"You mean horror movie?"

"Whatever."

"The Slytherins spend every Christmas in the dungeons," Harry said.

"Yeah, and look how most of them turned out."

Harry laughed and Hermione rolled her eyes. Since they were alone in the tower, they had decided to abandon the rules for Christmas eve and had dragged all of their pillows and blankets downstairs to the common room so they could all sleep in front of the fire. They also had cookies and cupcakes leftover from the Christmas Eve feast, which Ron had snuck into a bag to save for later.

"It will be a good Christmas," Hermione said. "Don't worry."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's already a good Christmas Eve," Harry said, eyes closed as he enjoyed the company of his friends and warmth of the fire.

The next morning, Ron and Hermione found that they each had a small stack of presents at their feet, but Harry had none.

"What?" Ron said, "I got you something. Where is it?"

"Maybe it's already down there. Hurry and pack up your presents so we can go down."

"In my pajamas?" Ron raised his brows and Harry laughed.

"Go get dressed. He said bring a coat and gloves and hat too."

They were ready after ten minutes and made their way to the dungeons, where Draco met them in the hallway on the way to Severus' quarters. Like Harry, he had no presents to carry.

"If there are no objections, we will eat breakfast here," Severus said as they came in and Ron and Hermione set their presents by the presents for Draco and Harry that were already under the tree.

Ron's eyes almost bugged out of his head when he saw the food on the coffee table waiting for them. There were mugs of steaming hot chocolate, frosted cinnamon rolls, croissants, pumpkin muffins, lemon biscoti, pumpkin bread, and a large bowl of scrambled eggs, along with plates, forks, and napkins.

"Looks great," Harry said, and he and Ron immediately dropped to their knees by the table and started loading up plates with food.

"Thank you Professor Snape," Hermione said, and he gave her a nod. They ate fast, anxious to get to their gifts, and when they were done Severus waved his hand at the presents to indicate it was ok to start.

"Open mine first Harry," Ron said, and Harry picked up the present his friend had indicated. Inside were several tins of the invisible hair cream.

"I thought we could look up a charm to make clothes invisible."

Hermione rolled her eyes but Harry appreciated the gift. It could come in handy, and he wondered if the invisibility cream would work on his ursid form.

Harry also received the customary Weasley sweater, a book from Hermione about the commercial uses of potion making, a bag of candy from the twins, and a pair of soft brown leather hand sewn flying gloves from Ginny. There was also a leather book from Hagrid that looked as though Hagrid had hand tooled the leather. The book had blank pages and a note inside that said it was to put photos in.

"You have two presents from me," Severus said when Harry had gone through his stack of gifts, "and they are both in your room."

Harry got up, leaving his friends by the fire as they were still opening presents, and went down the hall. He pushed the unlatched door open and found a completely different room than the one he'd walked into the night before. Severus stood behind him as Harry took a step inside and let his eyes rake over everything that was new. There was a soft red blanket on the bed, a Gryffindor poster on the wall, a golden yellow rug on the floor, a new desk and chair, and a bookshelf full of new books on things like Quidditch, Potions, and Transfiguration. There were also several coat hooks installed on the wall, and Harry noted that the bed had been turned into a four poster with dark brown hangings. His eyes swept the room three times before they finally landed on the brand new broom mounted on the wall above the dresser.

"Is that-"

Severus came in now. "A Thunder Struck."

Harry went over to it and took it off the wall. It's handle was dark gray and it was sleek and shiny like the blue Zephyr he'd given Ron. He'd only seen this broom in catalogs. It was so expensive that they didn't even carry it in the Quidditch stores.

"But I didn't have enough money for a new broom yet."

"I know. This is a Christmas gift. The money you earned earlier is yours to keep."

"But, it costs so much!"

"And one would expect it to considdering it is the fasted broom currently on the market."

Harry turned to look into his father's eyes. He'd done all of this for him. He'd decorated his room, given him a new broom, and given him a Christmas with his friends, and his family.

He didn't say thank you, but he did take a step forward and wrap his arms around his father. Startled, it took Severus a few moments to hug his son in return.

"Merry Christmas dad."

"Merry Christmas Harry."

Just as suddenly as he'd given him a hug, Harry had pulled away again and was hurrying back down the hall and to the living room with his new broom.

"You didn't," Severus heard Draco say loudly, followed by Ron saying, "He did! He got a Thunder Struck!" When he made it back to the living room, the boys were all gathered around Harry's broom and even Hermione had taken an interest in it.

"We have to take it out," Ron said. "We've all got new brooms now. We can race."

"We will go out in an hour once the sun has had a chance to warm things up a little," Severus said.

"I'll be right back," Ron said, heading for the door. "I want to get my broom." Draco followed him out, leaving Harry, Hermione, and Severus alone together.

"Too bad Ginny's not here," Harry said. "She'd like to race with the Firebolt."

"I'm sure she's having fun." Hermione sounded like she wanted to say something else though.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Nothing."

He raised his brows and she could see he wasn't going to drop it. "The Weasley's are spending Christmas at Grimmuald Place. There was something going on with the Order over Christmas. The twins were going to be there too, and Bill and Charlie."

"Oh."

"Information was leaked that an attack might occur on the Burrow around Christmas, so it was decided that several order members would take up residence in the Burrow while the Weasleys stayed at Grimmuald place."

Harry was glad that they would be safe, but was unsettled that they were having Christmas with Sirius. He wondered if Remus was there too, or if he was at the Burrow. The unbidden thought came then that at least Sirius wouldn't be alone for Christmas, followed by the thought that if bad things hadn't happened this summer, Harry would have been spending Christmas there too. Did Sirius know he'd given his Firebolt to Ginny then? Would he be upset that Severus had given him a new broom?

"Harry."

Harry looked up at his father. "Let's go out to the pitch now. Go get your coat and flying gear."

Harry nodded and did as he was told, and when he came back out of his room, Ron and Draco were both back with their flying gear.

Harry wanted quiet time to think on the way out to the pitch, but Ron had other plans as he oggled at Harry's Thunder Struck and talked about all of it's features verses the features of the Blue Zephyr and Draco's Lightning Bolt.

If the Weasleys were there with Sirius, did they know what had happened between him and Harry? Had someone told them? Even if they hadn't they would wonder why Harry was choosing not to spend Christmas with them and Sirius this year. It all just felt so complicated. He didn't want them to know, and if they didn't, they soon would.

"Come on!"

Harry watched as Ron and Draco got onto their brooms and took off into the air.

"What about you Hermione?" Harry asked. She was bundled up like they were and he hated to think she would just sit there in the stands and be cold while they raced around.

"I'll use a school broom. Go on, I'll be up in a minute."

Harry took off into the air and he raced around the pitch several times, laughing because Ron and Draco couldn't keep up despite how fast their brooms were. This was the broom most of the professional players played with.

It was a few minutes before Hermione came up into the air with a beat up red Quaffle and threw it to Ron.

"Oy! What are you doing up here?"

"I'm playing Quidditch, what does it look like?"

"You?" Ron laughed, but in the next second, Hermione had flown forward, hit the ball, dislodging it from Ron's arm, and taken off across the pitch with it towards the goal posts Ron usually guarded as Keeper for Gryffindor team. He raced to catch up with her, but she had too much of a head start and threw the ball through the center goal post.

"You can't do it again," Ron challenged, and she retrieved the ball from the ground, zig zagged around Ron and scored another goal.

Ron looked at her in awe. "Hermione. Why didn't you tell us? You could have been on the team!"

"And spend all those hours practicing instead of studying, only to come back to the common room bruised and battered each time?" She scoffed and Ron raised his brows and shrugged. "It's fun," he said to Harry who was hovering near him now, and Harry gave a nod.

"Well it's not fun for everyone."

"But I don't understand," Ron went on. "Where did you even learn? I haven't seen you on a broom since first year flying lessons."

"When Ginny was trying to make the team a couple of years ago she needed someone to practice with. She didn't want to practice with you or Fred and George, so I went out with her and we used the school brooms. And last summer while you were busy reading comic books, Ginny and I were out in the paddock practicing new moves she wanted to learn."

Ron looked like all of his assumptions about Hermione had just been shattered and it made Harry want to laugh. If anything Ron looked even more infatuated with her now than he had before. Hermione noticed too and turned a little red at the attention she was suddenly getting. Even Draco looked impressed. She threw the ball to Harry, who caught it, and said, "Are we going to play or not?" Harry grinned and he went to guard the other goal post while Draco tried to take the ball from Hermione. All in all it was a fair game since Draco and Harry weren't used to playing anything other than Seeker. Draco scored several goals past Harry and Hermione used moves Ron didn't expect she was capable of to get past him and put the Quaffle through the goal posts. To make it fair, they traded places halfway through their impromptu match, and Hermione and Draco found that they were just as bad at goal keeping as Harry had been.

When Severus called up to them that it was time to go in for lunch, Draco and Ron were up by ten points, much to Hermione's chargrin.

"You're really good," Draco said as they walked back up to the castle. "You should become a backup player."

She turned red but gave a single nod. Wanting to get to lunch, they took all of their gear into the Great Hall with them and sat at the only table set up with food. The staff had abandoned the staff table as was custom on Christmas to join the students, and Harry got many 'oohs' and 'ahhs' from students about his new broom. As far as he knew, he was the only student in school with a Thunder Struck.

"That is a very expensive broom Severus," Minerva commented from her seat next to Severus near the end of the table. They watched as a second year Hufflepuff asked Harry if he hold the Thunderstruck.

"He needed a broom."

"You could have gotten him a Cleansweep."

He scoffed, and took some pleasure in saying, "Not for my son."

* * *

Harry stayed in his newly decorated room in his father's quarters that night. After lunch Ron, Harry, and Draco got into a debate about who was the best gobstone player, only to be shown up when Severus had won seven games in a row against them back in his quarters much to Hermione's amusement. After that they had gone to the feast, where Ron won a new Gobstone set from a giant Christmas cracker (causing Hermione to laugh outright).  When dinner was over Harry finally retired back to his father's quarters with his father.

"Here," his father said as Harry sat on the couch looking through the book Hermione had given him.

Harry looked up. "What's this?"

"Your Christmas stocking. I did not have one for Draco or the others, so I waited until they were gone to give it to you."

"I've never had one before."

"Some children choose to take each item out one by one, and others dump theirs out all at once."

Harry reached inside and found several chocolate frogs, a bag of every flavor beans, an orange (because he suspected his father couldn't stand to not have at least one healthy thing in there), a candy cane, a bar of Honeydukes chocolate, a Quidditch magazine, and new watch.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome."

Harry was so full of candy and sweets from the Great Hall that he couldn't stand to eat another piece, even though he really wanted to, so he went to his room for the night. It had really been a good Christmas, he thought to himself, and just then he wondered if Sirius had had a good Christmas then, or if he'd stayed shut up in his room the whole time. Had anyone even gotten him a present? Was Remus angry at him for what he'd done to Harry?

Feelings of happiness mixing with uncertainty, sadness, and a little of the old fear of Sirius, Harry pulled out a quill and parchment he found in his new desk.

What am I doing, he asked himself. Sirius doesn't care about me at all, or he wouldn't have done what he did. But you're not Sirius, are you, he told himself, and you do care.

Christmas was good, he wrote, and paused. Why would Sirius care if his Christmas was good if he was having a bad Christmas, and if he didn't care about Harry? He didn't know but he kept writing and drew a picture at the bottom, and in the morning, he sent off his letter with Hedwig.

Christmas was good. I ate too many sweets and got tired out playing Quidditch with Ron, Draco, and Hermione. I got a broom. Remus sent me a book. Don't write back.

As soon as she stepped down off of the train, Harry took her hand and pulled her into a hug. "I've got exciting news if Ron hasn't already written to you."

"No one wrote to me. I thought you would have."

Harry's cheeks turned red. "I'm sorry. Hermione told me you were staying with Sirius."

"We didn't see much of him actually," Ginny said. "He mostly stayed up in his room. He didn't even come out for Christmas dinner. Remus had to take his meal up to him."

Harry sighed. So Sirius was probably depressed over Christmas.

"What did you have to tell me?" Ginny asked, trying to sound bright.

Harry looked around at the crowd of people and said, "Not here. Come on." Still holding her hand, he lead her off the platform and into the edge of the forest. If he could get some privacy he could show her, and then they could catch the last carriage back to the castle. It would be a few minutes before the first carriages took off anyhow.

"Wait, let me get my wand out," Ginny said as he lead her deeper into the trees so that they could no longer see or hear students or Hagrid's booming voice. They didn't have to travel far because the trees were dense and the deep snow muffled every sound, leaving them feeling like they were not even there themselves.

"Ok, don't be scared," Harry warned her, "don't scream or anything. It's just me." He didn't give her a chance to question what he'd said, and transformed on the spot. Perhaps he should have given himself more room, because when he had transformed, his nose was almost touching hers.

She looked at him in surprise. "This is what you were working on, translating the books and doing arithmancy."

Harry grunted and she smiled. "Hold on, I can't understand you like this." She tucked her wand away, and if Harry had thought he had surprised her with his transformation, she gave him an equal surprise as she transformed into a wild gray spotted cat with very pointy ears. Being much smaller than him in their animagus forms, she looked up at him and said, "That's better."

It was odd, Harry thought, because he could hear her growl, but he understood what she was saying.

"You- you're like me," he said in awe, and watched in wonder as she seemed to understand.

"Mum taught me. I think she expected me to turn into a wolf like her."

"When? Does Ron know?"

"She said she thought Ron might get in trouble with an ability like this if she taught him so young, and the same with the twins. It took me a couple of years to learn, and I finally got it last year. I'm registered."

Harry stared at her and then transformed back, and she transformed as well. They looked into each other's eyes for a long moment.

"What?" she asked quietly of the attention he was giving her, and Harry felt rather like Ron at that moment, as Ron had stared at Hermione after she had proved she was a decent Quidditch player. Harry felt like everything he knew about Ginny had just been shattered, and he only liked her more for what he had found out.

"It's just... McGonagall said I was the only one at school that could do it. I never thought... it's nice to have someone else."

She smiled and took his hand. "Come on, we're going to miss the carriages."

As they made their way back to the edge of the forest and the noisy students, and Hagrid's booming voice, Harry asked quietly, "What are you?"

"A lynx."

He smiled. "I'm an ursid. Two kinds of bear in one."

"Maybe your'e a metamorphmagus then."

"I don't know. I haven't been able to turn into anything else. What makes you think that I am."

"Because you're a hybird bear. I thought that you might be able to turn into both of the types that your hybrid form is from. That would be useful, wouldn't it? It looks like you're part polar bear... that would be good to blend in in winter."

"My dad said he thought I was polar and grizzly. There aren't really polar bears in Britain though. People would know I'm out of place."

"It's the white fure that matters. If you could lay down in a bank of snow, no one would ever see you."

He hadn't thought of it that way before, but what she was saying made sense, and suddenly being a pizzly... an ursid, was looking a lot better than it had before. He'd have to read about metamorphmaguses and see what the books said.

On the ride back to the castle they were lucky enough to have their own carriage, and Harry told Ginny about his Christmas, about Hermione surprising Ron, and about Draco, Hermione, and Ron wanting to learn to transform, as well as about his adventure into the Entrance Hall as a bear and scaring the Hufflepuff girls.

"It's very hard to transform," Ginny said. There are usually only a handful of students that come out of Hogwarts able to do it. Usually it's the adults that learn how, and even then there aren't many. I think there are thirty registered right now."

"And me," Harry said. "I can't register."

"I know. It makes me wonder how many unregistered there are out there. I would rather not register, but it's a three month Azkaban sentence for anyone who doesn't register within a month of learning."

"It is?"

She nodded, and Harry realized that his father was right to tell him he couldn't transform in front of other people. He only had a week or two until it would have been a month, and he didn't fancy a stint in Azkaban for failing to register his animagus form with the Ministry.

"Are you going to tell Ron then?"

"Bill and Charlie know. Mum tried to teach them but they're both rubbish at Transfiguration. Dad can't do it either. The last person in our family who could before me and mum was a great great aunt. She was a butterfly. I wouldn't mind Ron knowing since he's going to try to learn."

"Who's going to tell him?" Harry asked with a grin, and she shook her head. "Go ahead."

When they made the common room and Ginny went to put her things away, Harry sat next to Ron and said, "That Ginny, she's a lynx."

Ron leapt out of his chair and looked like he was going to pound Harry, but Harry laughed then and threw his hands up in the air as a mock defense.

"Really, she's a lynx," Harry said, unable to stop laughing, and Ron's angry look faded to confusion.

"You're making no sense."

Harry motioned for Ron to move closer and Harry said, "She's an animagus. She just showed me."

"She is not. She would have told me."

"She showed me. She said she was registered and everything."

Ron, feeling deflated now after Harry's prank, fell back into his seat on the couch and said, "Well I hope so. Can't have her going to Azkaban."

"Have you tried yet?" Harry asked Ron.

"Hermione did the calculations and the next good day to try is in the middle of January. Professor McGonagall gave us a lecture in her office about the different forms, including the one you used, and the dangers and all of that. Hermione's got over a dozen books up in her room about how to do it."

"Is that a no then?"

"I tried," Ron said, sounding down. "I've been trying the different forms, but nothing yet."

"Well," Harry said, "keep trying. Ginny said most of animaguses don't manage until they're out of school, and even then there's not that many out there."

"You and Ginny did it, and I think if Hermione doesn't manage she's going to have a meltdown."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "She might. But she doesn't have to be good at everything. She's good at so many things, if she doesn't manage this it'll be ok."

"Even Quidditch," Ron said, and Harry nodded. "Do you know what she's doing right now? She's asking Angelina if she can be put on the team as a backup Chaser." Ron pointed across the room and Harry watched interested at the exchange, though he couldn't hear any of the words.

"Cheer up Ron, if she gets on the team, she'll be on your side."

As Harry went to bed that night, he felt good with the way Christmas break had gone and about Ginny being able to transform into a linx, and though the cravings for dirt were there, his was almost able to ignore them completely. He had a plan that he wanted to run by Ginny in the morning, and he hoped she'd agree.

* * *

Harry felt like this was going to be a very good day. Ginny had agreed to his plan, and he looked forward to it all night. Because they could both transform, Harry felt like they would be safe in their animal forms if they went out into the Forbidden Forest. He really wanted to explore (though he planned on staying well away from the nest of giant spiders), and it would give him and Ginny some alone time. He couldn't think of a better way to spend the evening (or to earn detention if they got caught by chance, though he didn't think they would). His plan was to skip dinner, and meet Ginny outside. They were aloud out before curfew so long as they didn't stray too far from the castle, so no one would question either of them about stepping outside during dinner hour.

Harry had a hard time paying attention during his classes, and got a sharp look from his father during potions just before dinner for daydreaming during his lecture. Finally it was dinner time, and Harry hurried to the Great Hall with his bag before many people had made it to dinner, and filled it with rolls and fruit. Then he walked out and out to the castle's front steps where Ginny was waiting for him. Her last class of the day had been Herbology, so she just didn't come in when it was finished.

"I got dinner," Harry said with a grin. "We can eat on the way down and then get the backpack on the way back."

"Eat on the way down to where?"

Harry and Ginny turned to find Draco at the top of the steps, shivering because he didn't have his coat on.

"Er..."

"Come on, you can tell me if you're going out for a romantic night... but don't come to me for help when your lips freeze together."

"Ha ha," Harry said. "It's not exactly a romantic getaway." Though to be honest with himself, he was hoping it would be.

"Where are you sneaking off to then?"

Harry looked around. It was almost dark and all of the stragglers from Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology had already gone inside for dinner.

"Show him," Harry said, and Ginny transformed there on the steps, and then back again.

"You too?" Draco asked, and she nodded.

"She did it before me," Harry said. "We thought we'd be safe in our animal forms, and warm, and we just wanted to go explore."

Draco looked up to the sky at the moon to confirm that it wasn't full, and then looked around as Harry had done to be sure they were alone. They were still close enough to the castle doors that no one could see them out any windows.

"I want to go."

"But-" Harry started, but he stopped when Draco held a hand up and then transformed, shrinking into a white fox slightly smaller than Ginny's lynx form. He stared up at them and at Harry's open mouth.

"When did you do that?" Harry asked, but Draco didn't say anything, he only walked down the snowy steps and turned to look back to see if they would follow. They did in their human form, and when they were halfway to Hagrid's hut, Draco turned back into himself again.

"I'd like dinner too," he said. Harry had already given Ginny a roll and an apple and pulled out the same for himself.

"Here," he handed Draco the bag and he began eating his dinner there in the darkness.

"How far are we going then? Hogsmead?"

"I don't know. We were just going to walk around and see if there was anything interesting to see."

"I read that while the school was being built, the founders and other teachers used to live in cabins not too far into the forest," Ginny said. "I wonder if they're still there."

"Well, let's go look." Harry grinned and transformed, and Ginny did too, dropping the rest of her apple on the ground. They waited for Draco to quickly finish his food and then he transformed too.

"When did you learn?" Harry asked Draco as they started off for the edge of the forest.

"The day after you did. I think the ability to change easily must be inherited, because there have been a lot of Malfoys who could transform. I had a book on it from the Manor, but I never read it until the night you came waltzing in as an ugly bear."

"That must have been a sight," Ginny commented, and Draco laughed, though it sounded funny, like sharp little yips and jabbers.

"What was funny was Granger comming down the stairs and telling a bear to sit, and seeing it sit like a dog."

"How many people have been animaguses in your family?" Harry asked.

"My grandfather and grandmother, and several second and third cousins."

"My mum," Ginny said, and Draco didn't respond. While he liked Ron and Ginny now, it was against Malfoy tradition to associate with the Weasleys even though they were second cousins twice removed.

"But not your mother or father?" Harry asked.

"Father thought it was beneath him, and no one in mother's family has ever transformed, so she didn't think it would be proper to try to do it."

They made the edge of the forest, and Harry thought that he quite liked being out at night in the snow when all the world seemed clean and peaceful. While it was cold out, it felt to Harry as though he was wearing a very thick coat or was covered in a warm blanket.

"Are you cold?" he asked Ginny, but she told him she wasn't.

"Where are these cabins supposed to be?" Draco asked, and Harry stuck his nose up in the air and sniffed.

"Like that's going to help," Draco scoffed. "No one's been in those cabins for hundreds of years. There's nothing to smell."

"Maybe this way," Ginny said, and she lead them off around the edge of the wood and slowly deeper into it, Harry being sure he was aware of the smells of other animals or large insects that might be lurking nearby. They never did find the cabins during their night out, but they did find an interesting clearing with rocks in equidistant piles all around, and a small cave that Draco could squeeze into, but Ginny could not. With no watch it was hard to keep track of how long they were out, but Harry felt refreshed having come out here with his friends and roaming freely with no rules or responsibilities.

"Wow, it's late," Ginny said when they finally took human form again, once again back at the top of the steps leading to the Entrance Hall. She had pulled Harry's hand up to look at his watch, and it was just after midnight.

"At least I don't have far to go," Draco said with a smirk, seeming in a good mood. "You could sneak down to your father's quarters."

"Not with Ginny," Harry said, "and besides, I think he'd notice that I wasn't there before curfew."

"Have fun going up through the castle then," Draco whispered as he pushed the door to the semi-dark Entrance Hall open gently and peered inside. When he saw no one, he went inside, and Harry and Ginny followed. They had just split off from each other when Harry was surprised to hear Ron's voice.

"Have fun did you?"

The three of them froze, and searched around in the dim light to see Ron behind a suit of armor.

"Ron," Ginny said. "Have you been waiting all night?"

"I saw the three of you out a window. It would have been nice if you had asked your best friend to go." Ron crossed his arms and Harry wasn't sure what to say.

"We just wanted to go explore, and we thought that in our animal form we would be ok out there."

"Right, Ron can't transform so we'll just leave him behind from now on."

"Don't be like that Ron," Ginny said gently, but there was nothing for it. Harry and Ginny could tell that they'd hurt Ron's feelings.

"Don't be like what Ginny, stupid old Ron?"

"Shh," Draco said, because Ron had raised his voice, but it was too late, because they heard hurried footsteps and Professor McGonagall appeared at the top of the stairs. Harry expected her to start dressing them down with harsh words, because it would have been obvious to anyone that they'd just come in from outside because of the water on the floor, but that wasn't what happened.

"Mr. Potter, there you are. Have you seen Severus?"

Harry looked at Ron, who still looked angry, and then to Ginny.

"Maam?"

"Your father Mr. Potter. Have you seen him?"

"Not since Potions before dinner. What's going on?"

"He informed the Headmaster he was going to a meeting and hasn't returned. That was seven hours ago."

"Seven?" Harry knew that his father was still spying on Voldemort from within the ranks, but he had never seen him rush off to a meeting before. He hadn't even been aware that one had been called, though he thought to himself, maybe if he had been at dinner, his father would have told him.

"He's almost never gone that long and when he is he finds a way to check in."

The Headmaster came around a corner then and started comming down the stairs, his traveling cloak on. Harry was certain he'd seen them there, but he made no move to question why they were all awake and out of bed so late.

"Minerva, I've contacted the order. I'm going to search the permiter in case he was injured and couldn't make it back to the castle. I'm waiting for a firecall from Grimmuald Place, if you could please go up to my office and wait for that. Also, Kinglsy and Nymphadora are on their way here to search the grounds."

"Sir," Harry said, and Dumbledore came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Do not worry yourself Harry. It would be best if you went to bed so you are not late for classes tomorrow."

"Sir," he said again. "We were just out on the grounds. We didn't see him."

Dumbledore paused and stared at him and appeared to be cataloging this information for later. "What part of the grounds?"

"The edge of the forest mostly, from Hagrid's cabin back towards the Quidditch pitch, and then back to the front steps of the castle."

The aging man's eyes swept the hall and found Ginny, Draco, and Ron.

"Not me sir," Ron said. Harry thought Ron would have added something like, 'I'm not part of the group anymore,' but refrained because of the seriousness of the situation.

"Very well. Minerva, see to it that they make it to their common rooms."

"I want to help," Harry said. "I can look," but Dumbledore was in a hurry and was already to the great oak front doors.

"The offer is appreciated," McGonagall said, "but as the Headmaster has said, you are to go back to your common rooms and to bed. Mr. Malfoy, if you would please?"

"Yes maam," he said.

"I will check with the other Prefects that you are there," she said, and watched until he had gone down the steps into the dungeons.

"Come along," she said, and Harry, Ron, and Ginny followed her up through the castle.

"I expect you to stay in the common room until an appropriate hour of the morning," she warned them, and then left them at the entrance to go to the Headmasters office to wait for the firecall.

Inside the otherwise empty common room, Ron and Ginny stared at Harry.

"You didn't even get in trouble," Ron said.

"We really didn't mean to leave you out," Ginny said to him quietly. "Harry and I were going to go out for just a bit and then Draco saw us and said he was comming too, and showed us he could transform. We hadn't planned it as group activity."

"But you did plan to sneak off into the forest with your boyfriend. If mum found out-"

"But she's not going to," Ginny said, giving her brother a warning look. "It's not ok for you to try to get me in trouble just because you got your feelings hurt. I told you I was sorry already and that it wasn't intentional." She was going to say more, but paused as Harry walked right between the two of them and kept going without a word.

"Harry?" Ginny called to him, but he continued up the stairs to the boy's dormitory silently.

"I'll be with him," Ron said hotly, "you go to bed," and then he was gone too, up the staircase after Harry.

Harry was lying on top of his covers in the dark when Ron came in a moment later. He shut the door quietly so he wouldn't wake the other boys and sat down on the edge of his own bed.

"I'm sure he's fine," Ron said in a whisper.

"Yeah," whispered Harry, though he didn't believe a word that was being said, "I'm sure he'll be fine."

Harry wished all his classes had been canceled, because he couldn't think straight and felt like he was in a daze more than anything else. He couldn't bring himself to ask McGonagall if there had been any news of his father, but he did count himself lucky that he had friends that were not dazed like he was. Ginny asked McGonagall at breakfast, and Draco tracked her down after lunch when she'd failed to appear in the Great Hall, and Hermione did the same after dinner. There was no sign. Dumbledore had done an extensive search of the grounds with Kingsley and Tonks and left Tonks there at the castle before taking Kingsley to search some of the Order safehouses and anywhere else Severus might have gone. No one wanted to say it, but they were all thinking it. If he hadn't come back from a death eater meeting, he was likely dead. Harry knew that if he was, it was becuase of him. If anyone had found out that he was Snape's son, and his father hadn't told Voldemort, then the punishment would be death.

"You have to eat something Harry."

"No I don't," he said quietly at Hermione's prodding, but she put a piece of buttered toast on his plate at dinner anyway and a slab of ham. Harry pushed the plate away from himself and Hermione sighed.

"You need to keep up your strength. You haven't eaten all day. What if they need your help to look for him and you're too weak from lack of food?"

"They won't ask for my help," Harry said. No one wanted the help of a child, or of an addict.

"She's right though," Ron said. "You have to eat something. I asked McGonagall and she said Tonks is here to help keep the castle safe. There's a possibilty of attack."

"And what, you want me to eat so I can fight everyone elses battles for them?" He was angry but he couldn't muster much force to put behind his words. He stood up and went back to the boys dorms, and was still there lying in bed when Ron came back after dinner.

"Do you want to work on your Transfiguration essay?" Ron asked.

"No."

"What about Charms?"

"No."

"Hermione told me to pester you until you said yes to something."

"Tell her to leave me alone."

Ron sighed and left the room.

The next day Severus still hadn't come back, though Harry saw Dumbledore briefly in the corridor, and the man didn't see him or say anything to him. Harry did eat at breakfast, but not a lot, and was quiet throughout the day and the next evening.

By day three, his friends were all taking turns sitting with him wherever he happened to be, though Ron was usually the one to stay with him since Harry was spending most of his free time in his room. Harry for his part, didn't want anybody to sit with him or try to engage him in conversation, and thought to go stay in his fathers quarters instead of the dorms.

"Where are you going?" Ron asked as Harry got up off of his desk chair in the dorms and headed for the door.

"Out."

"Out where?"

"The dungeons."

"I'll go with you."

"I'm going to my father's quarters."

"I'll come."

Harry turned to Ron and gave him a tired look. "I appreciate what you're all doing, but I want to be alone tonight. Come get me if there's any news."

Ron looked like he didn't know whether to let his friend go or not, but in the end he didn't follow him. Harry made his way down through the castle and was almost to the ground floor when he ran into somebody he hadn't expected.

"Harry."

He looked up in time to see Remus before Remus had him in a hug, and for once in the last few days, Harry allowed the contact. Remus had never hugged him before, aside from the time last year at the Ministry when Harry had tried to step in front of a curse to save Sirius and he'd grabbed him and held him tight to keep him out of harms way.

"Is he dead?" Harry asked, feeling numb as Remus continued to embrace him.

"We don't know," Remus said honestly. "We can't find him, and he was the only spy in the ranks, so there's no one we can talk to find out what happened that night. He's just, gone."

Harry sighed and Remus let go of him. "What are you doing here?" he asked tiredly.

"I came to see you. The Headmaster has asked me to fill in for your father for Potions classes and to stay with you."

"Stay with me?"

"He thought you might like to stay somewhere other than the dorms. He said you seemed irritated by your friends attempts to keep an eye on you."

"I am, and I would. Do you have quarters?"

"If you are amenable, we'll stay in your father's quarters since you already have a room there. I'll sleep on the couch."

"We don't have to do that," Harry said, although he really wanted to. "You should have your own room."

"Harry," Remus put his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked him in the eye. "It's fine cub."

Harry nodded, feeling relieved that they were going down to dungeons. Remus kept his hand on Harry's shoulder for a moment more as they moved off.

"Do you have to check in with Dumbledore?" Harry asked as they made the Entrance Hall.

"Yes, but I can do that tomorrow. He knows I was comming tonight and Minerva met me in the Entrance Hall. I was just on my way to Gryffindor to find you."

Harry let them into Severus' quarters with the password, and waved up the lights. It almost felt wrong to be there without his father, and he felt like his father would walk through the door any moment and ask what Remus was doing there with an unhappy look on his face. Harry knew they didn't get along, especially because Remus was still associated with Sirius, but at this point, Harry didn't care and was glad to have Remus there.

"Sirius got a letter from you after Christmas," Remus said, following Harry into the kitchen. Harry felt like since it was sort of his quarters too that it was his job to make tea, but Remus took the tea kettle from his hands and took over the task.

"Yeah," Harry said.

"There was a picture of a bear."

"Do you want to see?" Harry asked.

Remus set the tea kettle down and nodded, and Harry pushed the small kitchen table out of the way before turning into his ursid form.

"Very good Harry," Remus said with a tired smile. "Sirius wasn't sure what to make of it at first until I told him what book I'd sent you."

Harry transformed back again and said, "Ginny said he stayed in his room for the holidays."

"He's not used to having so many people in the house, and he wanted to avoid any questions the Weasleys had about why you, Ron, and Hermione had chosen not to spend Christmas with them this year."

"Did they ask?"

"Yes."

"Did they get an answer?"

"Not much of one. I knew that Ginny knew, but no one said anything aside from that the three of you wanted to stay behind to study for next years NEWTs. Molly was rather pleased that Ron would choose to do extra studying."

Remus finished making tea while Harry put the table back into place.

"Dad lets Draco stay here sometimes too," Harry said when Remus handed him a cup of tea. He was glad that Remus was there, but was afraid the man would take the same attitude towards Draco as Sirius had.

"Whatever rules your father has still stand," Remus said. "It's still your home Harry. I'm assuming he has rules about your transforming?"

"Just that I'm not supposed to do it in front of people because I'm not registered, and I'm not going to so that I can use it against Voldemort if I need to."

"I figured as much. The Headmaster did tell me that you and your friends took a little jaunt out into the forest in the middle of the night a few nights ago."

"Am I getting detention?"

"We'll leave that up to your father when he returns, shall we?"

"If he returns," Harry said, and a little bitterness seeped through his voice.

"Don't say that Harry. Just because we haven't found him doesn't mean he's not out there. He may be on some sort of mission for Voldemort and unable to contact us. We just can't know."

Harry really wanted to snap out at him then that it wasn't nice to get his hopes up, but restrained himself with some difficulty. Remus noticed.

"I know this isn't the best situation Harry, and I know you'd rather have your father here than me," Harry opened his mouth but Remus held up a hand to stop him from saying it wasn't like that. "I understand. What we have to do is try to make the best out of the situation and not give up hope, especially so early. I need you to know that no matter what happens, you'll be taken care of, and I need you to be honest with me about what you need."

Harry looked down at his shoes. Sleep, alone time, asphodel, and his father. Those were the things he needed just now.

"I could use some sleep," he said, scratching the back of his head, but I need to do my homework. I haven't done any of it in three days." He also hadn't slept much in three days.

Remus looked at his watch. "Don't worry about transfiguration or potions right now. I'm sure Minerva would be willing to give you some extra time and I'm going to give everyone an extra day to complete their potions assignments while I take a day to go over Severus' lesson plans. Let's focus on the assignments you have for teachers who don't know why you have reason to turn things in late. Do you have your books?"

"Everything's up in the dorms."

Remus called for an elf and a small elf named Tinky appeared. He asked her to go up to Harry's dorm and bring his books down to them and not to answer anyone aside from Ron or Hermione about why she was there collecting Harry's things or where she was taking them. She was back in just a few minutes with the books and a stack of parchment in Harry's bag, and the asignments and books were all soon spread out on the coffee table. Remus sat down on one couch and Harry on the other across from him, the work between them.

"You're going to help me?" Harry asked.

"Yes. The sooner you can get the work done, the sooner you can get some rest."

"Is this cheating?" Harry had never had anyone aside from Hermione help him with his work before, let alone a teacher. Even his father had never offered to help with his homework. He'd seen aunt Petunia doing Dudley's assignments for him back in primary though.

"No. I figured your eyes might be tired. If you read the assignment to me, I can read the appropriate section of the text book to you and you can write down what you need to, to finish the assignment."

Harry nodded. That was doable. In forty five minutes, Harry had finished his Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic, and most of his Herbology, which wasn't due for another two days.

"Thank you," Harry said as Remus closed the Herbology book and set it on the pile of other school books.

"You're most certainly welcome Mr. Potter-" he hesitated and stared at Harry as if he were worried about something.

"What?"

"I wasn't certain if you were still going by Potter."

Harry frowned. He hadn't thought about it. He'd always been Harry Potter. His mother's last name was Potter too. He had his father there alive with him, but he supposed the only thing he had left of Lily was her last name.

"Why did she marry James?" Harry asked, instead of answering Remus' question.

"That I don't know. Have you asked your father?"

Harry shook his head. It hadn't come up. He supposed that with Sirius, finding out he had a father, selling Potions, the dirt, and trying to become an Animagus, his mind had been preoccupied. "It didn't occur to me to ask until now."

"I know that Severus and Lily dated in their sixth and seventh years in school, and that two years later she married James. James pursued her for our last few years of school, but after we all graduated the only contact we had with Lily and Severus was during Order meetings. Severus stopped coming to Order meetings about eight months before you were born and none of us knew why. To be honest, it surprised most of us when Lily and James announced their marriage shortly after Severus stopped coming to meetings."

"That all sounds very confusing." Harry meant what he said too, and he didn't know if he was confused because he hadn't been there, or because he was tired.

"It was," Remus said.

"I grew up thinking James was my dad," Harry said. "Everyone told me how much like him I was, how I looked like him, how I got in trouble like him... I was always sort of proud to have the last name Potter because it's the only thing I had that tied me to Lily and James. That hasn't changed. It's the only thing left I have that makes me my mum's."

"You look like your father," Remus said then. "And you do get into trouble like your father. And you are also stubborn like your father."

"Like Severus?"

Remus nodded and smiled. "Yes. And as much as they hated each other and would never admit it, they were very much alike. It didn't help their negative feelings for each other that they both liked Lily, were both stubborn, and both had a knack for breaking too many rules."

Harry tried to stifle a yawn and Remus stood up. "Up, up. Off to bed with you."

"Wait," Harry said, standing up. "Are you sure you want to sleep on the couch?"

"We already discussed this."

"Let me get you a pillow and blankets then." He went to a hallway closet where he knew there were extra things like this, and pulled out the softer of the available blankets and a pillow with a silver pillowcase.

"Ron will tell Draco I'm down here," Harry said as he handed them to Remus. "He'll probably come in in the morning."

"That will be fine. I'll be up early to prepare for classes." He set the bedding down and followed Harry down the hall to his room to ensure he went inside. He glanced at the decorations and gave a nod of approval.

"Imagine if you had been in Slytherin," Remus said with a shake of his head and a small smile.

Harry pulled his shoes off and sat on the edge of his four poster. "I almost was." He enjoyed the brief look of shock on Remus' face and allowed himself a very small smile, and then said, "I'll tell you about it some time."

"All right Harry. Get some sleep."

As the door was closed and the lights waved down, Harry couldn't help but wonder at how the evening had turned out. He still felt miserable, tired, and unwell (probably from lack of food and rest), but the night had turned out better than he'd expected. He had his homework done, he was in his room in his father's quarters (which made him feel marginally better than being with his friends up in Gryffindor), and Remus was there with him. As much as his friends wanted to help, and wanted to comfort him, they really couldn't. Dumbledore hadn't been telling Harry anything, and McGonagall had been too busy to really check on him, and Harry couldn't deny, now that Remus was there, that he liked having an adult to talk to and get help from. He would still rather have his father there and know that he was safe, but having Remus around wasn't bad for the moment.

* * *

Ron and the others were surprised to see Remus the next morning at breakfast, but not as surprised as Draco was to go into his godfather's quarters and find the man sleeping on the couch in the darkness. Draco stared at him for a long moment in the darkened living room, and then decided to leave him be and go to see if Harry was in his room. He pushed the door open quietly and went to the side of Harry's bed to prod him awake.

"Harry. Harry."

Harry didn't stir and Draco hated to wake him up when he knew his friend needed the rest, but he'd have to get up soon anyway if he was going to go to any of his classes that day. Draco lit his wand and tried again.

"Harry. There's a werewolf sleeping on the couch in the living room."

"I know," Harry mumbled. He wanted to say something like, 'he's my other godfather,' because he'd always felt that way about Remus, but didn't. "It's ok, I told him you'd probably come in."

Harry opened his eyes and saw that Draco did not look settled by this information.

"He's not like Sirius," Harry said. "He's a good guy."

"He tried to eat you and your friends in third year."

"On the full moon." Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes. Draco saw that there were circles under them. "It's not like he ever tried it during class or detention."

"Ha ha, very funny. What's he doing here?"

"He came to see me, and he's taking over Potions for a while so classes can resume."

"Why isn't he in his own quarters though?"

"Because I need babysitting I guess."

Draco crossed his arms. "You're a big ugly bear and your girlfriend is a wild cat. I hardly think you need someone to keep you safe."

"Not like that," Harry said. He gave a sigh and stood up, looking around for his socks. Ever since Christmas, he'd begun keeping some clothes down here, especially since he had so many and a room to keep them in.

"Don't give him a hard time," Harry said, but his tone made it sound like a plea.

"Do you think uncle Severus would approve of him staying here?"

"Yes."

Draco scoffed, and Harry plopped back down onto his bed.

"He's here for me more than he is to sub for Potions. Do you really think my dad would have a problem with that?"

"He's friends with your godfather."

"I'm friends with the son of a death eater." Harry gave his friend a pointed look.

"Fine."

"He's all I've got left and he's never been bad to me."

"You've got me."

"It's not the same."

"I know." Draco sat down in his desk chair and looked as down as Harry felt.

"Do you think he'll come back?"

"I don't know," Harry said.

"He has to. Right? He came for me before. Even before that I mean... mum didn't want me to go to france or on other vacations with her, and sometimes my father was... well, my father. Uncle Severus would let me stay with him during the summer or over holidays. Before this was your room, it was mine." He gave a look to the Gryffindor poster on the wall then and then down to his wand, which was still the only thing lighting the room.

"You can still stay here," Harry said. "We can put in bunk or something."

"I don't think... your other godfather will approve."

"He said whatever rules dad had in place are still the rules." Harry finally waved up the lights with his own wand and finished getting dressed. Neither boy knew that just down the hall, Remus had woken and had heard their entire conversation. Harry wasn't the only one feeling alone right now. Remus didn't know what to do for Draco becuase he had no relationship with him like he did Harry. When he saw the light in the room go up, he went to the bathroom to change and get ready for the day, and when he came out, the boys were gone, already up to breakfast, though Harry had left him a note on the coffee table, telling him he'd be back after dinner. Remus stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and faced himself, trying to prepare for what he was certain would be a long day. He now had two boys to tend to, and an entire house who was certain not to take kindly to him taking their head of house's place in the classroom.

At the end of class Remus gave Harry a tired smile and Harry tried to return it on his way out the door, but couldn't manage.

"That was- interesting," Hermione said as they walked to Charms. Harry stayed silent.

"So you stayed with him last night Harry?"

"In the dungeons."

"But- doesn't he have his own quarters?"

"He slept on the couch. I'm going to stay in my room down there again tonight."

"What about your homework?" She'd been trying desperately not to say anything to Harry about it for days.

"He helped me finish it last night."

"Oh."

"I didn't cheat."

"I didn't say anything about it."

Harry felt irritated about the short exchange and resolved to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the day. He was feeling irritated rather a lot lately, and the more he felt irritated the more he wished for the dirt so that he didn't have to feel that way. He remembered what it felt like to take the dirt and feel as though he was walking on air. If only Devon was still around. He knew where all of the dirt grew out on the grounds. Harry didn't even try to stop himself from day dreaming about going out and finding asphodel for the rest of the day, and by dinner time his cravings were with him full force.

"Are you going to Quidditch practice tomorrow?" Ron asked him as he watched Harry eat the tiny bit of food he'd put on his plate.

Harry shrugged.

"It would be good to get your mind off of things," Ron suggested. "Hermione got on as backup, so she'll be out there with us."

Ginny, who'd been trying hard to give him space the last few days took his hand under the table from her spot beside him. "I think you should go," she said quietly, and he looked into her eyes.

"All right," he said quietly. For Ginny, he would go. If his father wasn't missing, he would have probably been engrossed in his budding relationship with Ginny right now, as he had that first few nights after Christmas holiday, but it felt wrong to feel happy now. Not when his father could be hurt, captured, or dead.

As he thought about the things that could have happened to him, he pushed the food around his plate and started to feel angry. This was all Sirius' fault. He'd gone and given away that Harry had a father. Then Harry had gone through an aweful lot to get close to him, and now his father was gone again. If Sirius would have just kept his big mouth shut, then Harry wouldn't be so worried right now... wouldn't be so upset over losing yet another father. James, Sirius, Severus. He still had Remus, his 'other' godfather, but he would lose him eventually too. He couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle this.

Standing up from the table suddenly, Harry kissed Ginny so she wouldn't think she'd done something wrong, and then strode out of the Great Hall without a word to anybody. Remus found him in the living room of his father's quarters angrily doing homework half an hour later. There were several crumpled pieces of parchment littering the floor.

"Need help?"

"No." Harry didn't intend to sound so short with Remus, after all, he wasn't mad at him, but he was mad overall with everything that had happened.

"Want to talk?"

"No."

Remus sighed and Harry looked up just in time to catch him looking like he wanted to say something before he turned to go down the hallway.

"Wait," Harry said, and Remus stopped.

"You were going to say something."

"It's not important."

"Please?"

Remus gave him a calculating look, as if trying to discern if Harry could handle the truth or not.

"I was going to say you're like Sirius. When you're upset, you push everyone away. You like your distance."

Harry felt bad for Remus then, knowing he'd had to deal with and take care of Sirius and was now having to deal with and take care of Harry, who was apparently just as difficult as Sirius to be around.

"How many people has Sirius lost?" Harry asked. He didn't want to be angry with Remus, but at the moment he would have been angry with anyone who was in the room with him, even Ginny.

Remus looked at him. "How- how many?"

Harry nodded.

"I-" he paused and never continued, and Harry was glad that he hadn't because he was afraid he'd say that Sirius had lost his godson, and Harry hated thinking of himself as the cause of others pain, even Sirius'."

"I know I'm not the only one to lose people," Harry said, deflating a little as he turned back to his homework, which had very sharp and dark handwriting scrawled angrily across the page. "But when it happens over and over... getting close to someone and having them snatched away... it gets old."

Remus sat down across from Harry as Harry stared at his parchment.

"I know it does, and I know that you're angry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"I made you."

"Harry, I wish I had words to make this better for you, but sometimes there aren't any words to say. What I can do is be here for you."

Harry rubbed his hand up the side of his face. Something he hadn't done in a long time. "It just- it sucked today seeing you in Potions and not him. I'm not saying you're a bad teacher, but-"

"I'm not your father. I know. I've been reminded of that all day by the Slytherins."

Harry gave a short, silent laugh then and shook his head. This was hard for Remus too.

"Listen Harry, just tell me what you need, and I'll be here."

With unexpectedly wet eyes Harry looked up at him then and said, "I wish you were my godfather."

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do. All I was was a big disappointment to Sirius. That's why- that's why-" he didn't finish. He wondered if Remus really knew what Sirius did to him and Draco over the summer.

"Harry," Remus said quietly, and Harry looked away. "You were never a dissapointment to Sirius. He was disappointed with himself. I told you before, and I'm sure your father has told you too. What happened wasn't your fault."

They were quiet for a few moments, and then Harry closed his book on his homework and said, "I think I'm going to go to bed early. Ron wants me to go to Quidditch practice tomorrow. There's a game in a couple of weeks."

"All right. That sounds like a good idea."

Harry stood up and walked towards the hallway, and then stopped and said, "I meant what I said. It'd be nice to have a godfather like you."

Long after Harry went to his room and closed his door, Remus sat on the couch and fought with the conflicting emotions inside his chest. He swelled with pride to know Harry thought so highly of him, and at the same time felt sad that the relationship between Sirius and Harry seemed to be permanently broken. Sirius hadn't been exactly clear on what all he'd done to Harry to make him run away, but he had told him he'd given Harry a black eye. Sirius had always had a short temper, even in school, and that had often led to trouble. He wished that somehow time could be turned back so Sirius and Harry could have a second chance. Since that wasn't possible, he knew he would be whatever Harry needed him to be. Harry was right. He'd unfairly lost too many people... too many parents and would be parents

In Harry's room, Harry sat at his desk with a new piece of parchment and quill, and penned a short letter to Sirius.

Sirius,

I hate you. You gave me my father just so he could be taken away from me again. He's not coming back.

Harry didn't write for Sirius not to write back this time, because he half hoped he would so he could have an excuse to spew out more angry, hurt words at him. Words he couldn't spew out at his friends or Remus. Remus who was not his god father, and who was not his father, and never would be. Harry stood and turned and kicked his mattress hard and then fell face first onto it. He hated this life and he hated being him. Why had his father gone to that meeting in the first place? Why couldn't he have just stayed behind? As he drifted off into a less than peaceful sleep, Harry felt not good enough, like he had felt at the Dursleys and in the weeks after he'd run away from Sirius. If he had been good enough, his father would have stayed, and would be there now. If he was good enough, he wouldn't be Harry Potter.

* * *

Quidditch practice hadn't been good for Harry like Ron had said it would. He couldn't concentrate to find the Snitch because his mind was irratic and his palms were sweaty. He felt like he had when he was first having withdrawls from the red dirt, and his heart kept fluttering in his chest, as if it were beating too fast. Harry stuck it out through the hour and a half practice, but he practically ran out of the Quidditch pitch, not bothering to change or answer to the worried calls from his friends. He ran to the lake and finally slid with his back down a tree at the water's edge. What was wrong with him? He was anxious and felt like nothing would be right ever again. It could be, he thought frantically, if he could find some asphodel. Was he having some kind of episode related to the dirt? His father hadn't said that anything like this would happen, and he wasn't around to ask, but these thoughts only made Harry feel more panicked. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants and tried to slow his breathing, because the faster he breathed the less oxygen he felt like he was actually getting.

"I know you don't want me to do it," he said to his father who wasn't actually there, "but I'm not all right like this." He clenched his eyes shut tight and burried his face in his knees, trying to block everything out. Just breath. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't even know where there's asphodel anyway. It's not like it's the full moon and you can go get some. Breathe. Breathe.

Harry didn't know how long he sat there, but eventually his heart rate slowed, his breathing evened out, and his hands stopped shaking (he hadn't even realized they had been until they stopped). He didn't know what had happened, but he never wanted it to happen again. He knew that if he could have asphodel right then, he would have taken it without a second thought.

He stared out at the lake, and minutes ticked into hours. Finally he felt steady enough to get back up and walk to the castle. He was glad it was Saturday because he didn't have any obligations aside from Quidditch. Tomorrow would make a week that his father had been gone. A week since he could have been captured, or dead. Or maybe he just got tired of Harry and ran away from him, like Harry had run from Sirius. As he neared the castle, his palms and forehead began to sweat again, and he felt shaky. He didn't bother going to the Great Hall where dinner was being served, and instead went right down to his dungeon quarters.

As soon as he opened the door, Remus was at his side.

"Harry. What happened?"

Harry wiped the sweat out of his eyes with his hand and hurried to the couch before his legs buckled. Remus sat beside him.

"Harry, you're shaking. What happened at Quidditch? Your friends said you raced out of the Pitch when practice was over."

"Nothing happened at practice. I was just- like this. I went to the lake and it stopped after awhile."

Remus looked him up and down. "Are you anxious?"

Harry gave him a look and nodded as he held onto one hand with the other, trying to get his hands to stop shaking.

"You're having an anxiety attack."

Harry shook his head. No. It had to be the asphodel.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's understandable given what's been going on in the last week."

"You said, you'd try to give me what I need," Harry said, trying to slow his breathing again.

Remus nodded. "Yes."

"I need you, to find someone to stay with me and keep me inside on nights with the full moon."

"I don't-" he paused and stared at Harry, mouth open slightly. "Harry- you weren't- bitten?"

Harry shook his head.

"Then what?"

"Sirius didn't tell you what I wrote in the first letter to him?"

"He wouldn't let me see it, no."

"And the Headmaster, he didn't tell you?"

"Harry, you're going to have to give me more help than that."

Harry wiped the sweat out of his eyes again and said, "I- I was messed up after Sirius. And after you came. I felt like a bad person. I was tired of being me. An older student sold me something, and I took it, because I wanted to feel good." Remus didn't know, and Harry hated telling him. It would break all trust Remus had in him like it had his father's, and it had taken Harry so long to get his father's trust back. Even now, Harry wasn't certain his father did trust him. But without him there, and the cravings as bad as they were, and now these panic attacks, he needed someone to help him with this. Someone who knew, and he'd rather it not be the Headmaster.

Seeing that Remus was listening intently and waiting for him to finish, Harry said, "I know you can't be with me on the nights with a full moon, but you have to get someone to stay with me, or else I'm going to go out onto the grounds and look for asphodel."

"Cub," Remus said softly, and he put his hand on the back of Harry's head and pulled him in for a sideways hug.

Still in the hug, and still shaking, though not as bad as he had been a few minutes ago, Harry said, "When I wrote to you and told you I hit my dad over the head with a book... I wasn't just sick. I was trapped here, going through withdrawls. He said I might have them for life... and they haven't gone away completely yet. That's why I wanted to learn to transform. I wanted something to keep me busy so I didn't have to think about it. And then I found out that when I transform, I have no cravings for it at all."

"And you're having them now?"

Harry nodded. "It's like it was before, the first few days after it was all out of my system. I think about it all the time. And the full moon is coming, and if there's not someone here, I'm going to go out there to find some."

"It took a lot of courage to admit that Harry, and I'm proud of you for it. Strong men and women everywhere have been unable to resist Asphodel, and have been unwilling to even try to stay away from it."

"He- my dad- he didn't want me to do it again."

Remus nodded. "Neither do I. Do you have a preference for who stays with you?"

"No one really knows. Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey know."

"Madam Pomfrey will be with me for the upcomming full moon."

That just left Dumbledore, and Harry still hadn't forgiven him yet for the things he'd said at the end of summer about staying with the Dursleys. He'd made Harry feel like it had been his fault all over again for what had happened with Sirius, and then he'd searched him and Ron when they were caught out late at night with brooms, like Harry was a criminal.

"You look like you're not pleased with that option."

Harry shook his head. "No- if he'll stay with me, that'll be ok."

Remus put his hand on top of Harry's hair and gave it a light tossle. "Lets get you something to eat and get you into bed, and then I'll go talk to the Headmaster. The full moon is just a few days away. I don't have access to the potion I usually drink, so there's some other arrangements I need to make with him as well."

Remus made Harry a sandwich and poured him a tall glass of milk and told him he'd feel better if he ate all of it (and Harry did), and then took him to his room and saw that he climbed into the fourposter bed.

"We'll talk about the anxiety attacks in the morning. Do you want a calming draught to help you sleep tonight? Your father seems well stocked in them."

"No, I think I'm ok now."

"All right. I'll be back soon. Try to get some sleep."

Remus left, and Harry closed his eyes, but he woke soon after he'd fallen asleep, becuase his dreams were filled with a funeral for his father. A funeral without a body to bury.

"It's the full moon tonight," she said. Harry wiped his sweaty palms on his pant legs and then wiped the sweat off his face with his hand.

"I know. Remus doesn't look good. Madam Pomfrey's staying with him somewhere tonight, but I don't know where."

"You don't look good either."

Harry looked up at her intense eyes then and laughed unexpectedly.

"What's funny?"

"I'm not a werewolf Hermione," he said, breathing heavily and wiping his palms on his pants again.

"It's the full moon tonight and you look as bad as Remus, maybe worse. And he shows up at the castle all of the sudden and stays with you in your father's quarters."

"So you think, that somehow I got bit, and Dumbledore brought Remus here to... what?"

"Teach you."

"How to eat people?" Harry laughed again and was surprised at how relieved he felt to be laughing despite how unwell he felt.

"That's not funny Harry. Why didn't you tell us?"

"There's nothing to tell. I never got bit. I'm not a werewolf. My dad is gone Hermione. I'm a mess. Sirius isn't exactly welcome in the castle, so Remus came to take over Potions and help me."

"So you don't have- a furry problem?"

Harry laughed again. "I'm not feeling well. Maybe I caught something, but I don't think Lycanthropy's contagious unless you get bit. And don't worry. Remus said he won't be back until after the last day of the full moon."

She gave him a look as if trying to discern if he was telling the truth or not.

"Look, I'm already a bear. I'd tell you if I was a wolf too."

"I heard Remus call you cub the other day."

"He's always done that."

"I know." She straightened the stack of books she was holding and wrinkled her nose.

"Look, I'll be in my father's quarters again tonight. You can come down for a while if you like, but I'm telling you, I'm sick. I won't be any fun."

"I'll come down after dinner. We can go over notes for the Herbology test."

Harry nodded, thinking that she really was a risk taker and was meant to be in Gryffindor. If she thought he was a werewolf then going to see him the night of the first full moon was probably not the best idea.

Harry was nervous as the day went on. After dinner he'd go back to his father's quarters and Dumbledore would be there. He wished it would be his father or Remus, though if Hermione was going to be there for a little while after dinner, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. He could just go to his room after she left and try to sleep. Would Dumbledore stay there the entire night?

As classes ended that day, Harry felt worse than he had that morning in Potions, and he considdered skipping dinner to go out on the grounds. It was like his mind was fighting his body. His mind knew he'd asked for help because he shouldn't take the Asphodel, but his body really wanted him to skip dinner and hide outside until the moon came out. All thoughts of the possibility of Remus out on the grounds had flown from his mind, and as he came down the stairs to the Entrance Hall, he found himself heading for the double oak doors instead of the Great Hall.

"Harry." Harry turned at the sound of his name just as he reached for the large brass handle to open the doors. He turned and found the Headmaster there with a calm smile on his face. How had he not seen him standing right there?

"Perhaps you'd like some dinner?"

Dinner? What did Dumbledore care if he went out onto the grounds? Wait... he'd asked him. Dinner. Go to dinner. Harry turned and went into the Great Hall, the Headmaster close behind him, though he went to sit at the Head table instead of following Harry to Gryffindor.

"You look like you've been through the wringer mate," Ron said, and Ginny felt his wet forehead.

"You've got a fever. Have you been to see Madam Pomfrey yet?"

"Just a cold," Harry said, putting food on his plate just to distract himself for a little while, though he really felt like throwing up because he was nauseous with the thought of not being able to go out and get what he needed.

Harry ate a little and tried to get involved in Ron's conversation with Neville about the Chaser position that had just come open on London's Quidditch team, but his mind wandered and he was soon wondering if he could sneak out to the grounds. He looked up at the Head table and found Dumbledore smiling 'too' serenly at him, and when he felt himself turn red, he looked away.

"I think I'm going to go do some homework," Harry said.

"If I was sick I'd take the night off," Ron told him with a mouthful of potatoes.

"You look for any excuse to not do homework," Ginny replied, and Harry tried to smile as he walked away. As he left the Great Hall, Hermione came up behind him with her bookbag.

"Ready to study then?"

"Come on." He motioned for her to follow and lead her to the Dungeons, certain that Dumbledore was right behind them though he didn't turn to look.

Hermione looked around the quarters when he let her in, and sat down on the only living room chair. It was the first time she'd been in the quarters since Christmas.

"Ron ok with you coming down here alone with me?"

"He knows you're dating Ginny."

Harry nodded, wondering then if Ginny would be ok with Hermione being there alone with him, though as there was a knock on the door a moment later, Harry reminded himself that they weren't going to be alone.

"Who's that?"

"Don't know," Harry lied, and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants for the hundredth time that day as he opened the door and let Dumbledore in.

"Ah, hello Miss Granger."

"I just came down to study Herbology with Harry sir," she said, and he held up his hand.

"There is no need to explain to me. Madam Pomfrey noticed that Harry appeared to be sick and wanted me to come down and check on him since she is otherwise occupied this evening."

"Do you want something to drink?" Harry asked.

"Ah yes, tea would be nice." He moved past Harry to the kitchen, seeming to know the way, and Harry and Hermione stared after him as he disappeared through the doorframe to make tea.

"He seems to be at home," Hermione said, pulling out her notes, and Harry nodded, sitting on the couch.

Harry was almost amused as the Headmaster found one reason or another to stick around and not leave. Luckily Hermione didn't grow suspicious because she believed he was there to keep an eye on the two of them to ensure nothing innappropriate happened. Dumbledore made them tea and then busied himself looking through the many bookshelves in the room that belonged to Harry's father. Hermione studied with him for half an hour, and then said she needed to get back to the common room to make sure Ron studied for Herbology too.

"Thanks Hermione," Harry said, and she nodded with a smile. He walked her to the door and as she walked into the corridor he grinned and teased, "Satisfied I'm not a werewolf now?"

"Well you could have been." Harry half fancied growling at her then or showing his teeth, but didn't.

"I could have been," he agreed instead, and waved goodbye before shutting the door.

When Harry turned around he found the Headmaster sitting on one of the couches with a book.

"Does Severus allow your friends who are young ladies in the quarters unsupervised?"

"I'm sorry sir," Harry said. "It wasn't planned. She cornered me today after Potions. She thought I was a werewolf."

The Headmaster stared and Harry felt compelled to say, "Well I'm not. She wanted to come down and see for herself."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Remus appears, and you both look as though you've been fighting mountain trolls. Yes, she is a smart young woman."

Harry sighed and then wiped his sweaty forehead with his sleeve and then turned to look longingly at the door. What if he just made a break for it? It was a bad idea to ask Remus for help. He should have just taken care of this himself. He probably could have had asphodel by now.

"Harry."

He turned back around and found Dumbledore wearing a tired smile. "It's best not to dwell on it. Do you have homework? Or perhaps you'd like to play a game of chess?"

"No thank you sir. I think I'll just go to my room and lay down."

Dumbledore glanced at the clock on the wall above the fireplace and nodded before going back to his book. It was early, but Harry felt odd having him there. He did turn at the threshold to the hallway however and say, "Thanks for comming sir."

"Oh, it's not a problem dear boy."

Harry frowned and went to his room and shut the door. Not a problem? Harry was a problem and he was sure that's what the elder man was thinking. Harry sat on his bed and wiped the sweat out of his eyes. The man was sitting out there reading a book like Harry wasn't an issue at all. Maybe that's because he was used to locking Harry away with the Dursleys where he 'wasn't' an issue for him.

He lay down on his back on the bed and stared at his red canopy thinking he should calm down before he did something rash, but he felt like he should be moving, not lying still, and within a few minutes he was back on his feet and pacing. He sat at his desk and tried to study but his mind was too jumpy and he got up and paced again. After all of that, he was irritated to find that it had only been ten minutes since he'd come into his room.

Harry opened his door hard and stalked out into the living area, drawing Dumbledore's eyes. He went into the kitchen so he could pace there and not be watched, but after a minute the elder man came to stand in the doorframe and watch him.

"What do you need Harry?" There was a kindness in his voice that matched Harry's neediness.

Harry looked up, surprised that the man didn't want to just send him back to his room. Even after his father's help and Remus' kindness, Harry wasn't used to being asked what he needed.

"I need to get out of here."

"You asked Remus to get you someone to sit with you so you wouldn't go out."

"Well I changed my mind," Harry snapped, and immediately felt sorry for it. That made twice this year that he'd gone off on the Headmaster.

"Would your father want you to go out to the grounds?"

Harry continued to pace back and forth in the small space. "It doesn't matter what he wants, he's not here! He left me here."

"He did not leave you dear boy. He is very fond of you."

"Of course he didn't," Harry snapped. "He's dead."

Dumbledore sighed. "Would you like to play a game of chess?" he asked again.

Harry shook his head and hugged himself as he paced to keep his hands from starting to shake. Dumbledore shouldn't have mentioned his father. He didn't want to think about him. He didn't want to have another panic attack.

Harry glanced at him after a moment and Dumbledore seemed thoughtful. Finally the Headmaster asked, "Would you like a lemon drop?"

Harry stopped pacing and stared at the man. Candy used to work to keep the cravings at bay. Sweets didn't make them go away completely, but it did take the edge off some. Dumbledore didn't wait to be asked and pulled a drawstring pouch out of a pocket of his purple robes and opened it. He reached into it and then thought better of his actions and handed the entire thing to Harry. Harry reached in and took a lemon drop and put it into his mouth, not liking the sour taste at first but closing his eyes and willing the candy to take away the urge to run past the old man and out the front door.

"Better?"

Harry opened his eyes and looked into the bag. There were 3 more in there. Apparently the Headmaster was running low.

He didn't answer and the Headmaster tried to engage him again with, "Perhaps that game of chess?"

Harry didn't want to play and he didn't want to be in the same room with him, but he also didn't want to go back to his room where he felt trapped, so he followed him back into the living room and let him levitate the chess board and pieces to the coffee table.

The Headmaster won the first game (and Harry expected him to), and by the end of the second game the last lemon drop was gone and Harry wasn't interested in playing any more. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands and tried to keep his hands from fidgeting and his feet and legs from bouncing. He didn't know how long he sat like that before the Headmaster asked, "Was it like this during the last full moon?"

"No."

"Hm."

Harry couldn't remember when the last full moon was. Two weeks ago his father had disappeared, and two weeks before that... he supposed it had been Christmas or just before it. He couldn't remember.

Albus watched as the Gryffindor held onto the messy black hair on both sides of his head as if his life depended on it. His leg bounced and he kept his eyes closed, and Albus wondered what he was thinking about. He reminded him of Severus. How many nights had he sat with Severus here in these quarters in this very spot, or in his office? More than he could count. After Lily had died, he'd needed to sit with him for days, and on occasion after a bad meeting with Voldemort he came to sit with Severus to allow him to unburden his soul of the things he'd been made to do, or to help him after hours of being under the crutiatus.

There had been nights when he'd sat with Remus too after Lily and James' deaths and Sirius' capture, though Minerva had been the one to help Remus the most. He wondered then if Harry knew how close Minerva had been to his parents... to Lily and James that is. He'd long suspected that after their deaths, Minerva sat with Remus as much for him as for herself. And now Severus was gone without a trace, and Harry was a wreck. If the child had not been so consumed by cravings during the last full moon when his father was here, then it was obvious that his emotional distress was compounding his problem with asphodel and visa versa.

They remained silent for hours and finally, at four am, Harry got up without a word and went to his room and closed the door. Albus didn't know if he slept or not, but when he saw him at breakfast the next morning in the Great Hall, he doubted that he had.

* * *

"Did you sleep at all last night mate?" Ron's voice was low and concerned as he leaned in and whispered to Harry at breakfast.

"A couple of hours."

"Remus wasn't with you in the quarters was he?"

Harry shook his head as he held it up with one hand, elbow proped on the table. "He was somewhere with Madam Pomfrey."

Ron looked around and didn't see Remus at the staff table.

"It's defense first. I could take notes for you."

Harry was so tired he felt like he could fall asleep right there. He wasn't feeling any cravings right now so he thought he could actually sleep if he could just lay down. Maybe he wouldn't have any tonight. Maybe the last few days had just burned him out as far as cravings went.

"I think he should go to the Hospital Wing," Hermione said, and though Ginny didn't say anything from her seat next to Hermione across the table, Harry thought she looked like she agreed.

"She's busy," Harry said. But the Headmaster agreed with Hermione, and at that moment an owl swooped overhead and dropped a note next to Harry's plate in his loopy handwriting telling him to skip first period and go see Madam Pomfrey.

Hermione read the note upside down and looked smug but Harry wasn't in a mood to argue. Maybe she'd let him lay down if she wasn't too busy to see him.

"I know your upset about Snape and you have a cold Harry," Ron said as Harry picked up his bag off the floor, "but people have started to ask questions."

Harry's eyes came up sluggishly to meet his friend's. "You haven't been in the dorms for over a week except to change clothes and get school books and owl treats. Some of the others are asking questions." He leaned in close then and whispered, "someone even said something about you being sick like Snape was sick. I've been running interference for you. I told Dean yesterday that you cursed Snape and that's why he's gone, and you've been doing detentions at night and comming in really late and then leaving really early to go to the library to study to catch up on classes."

"And- they bought it?" Harry asked. He looked at Ginny and Hermione and Ginny nodded.

"We let a few people overhear us talking about it," Hermione said.

"You've been gone and in classes people don't get to talk, but you've become a bit of a legend the last few days," Ron said with a grin. "The Gryffindor who cursed Snape so bad that he's been out for two weeks."

"Great," Harry said, half in relief and half unhappy because when he didn't return people would think he'd killed him... his own father. Not that they knew he was Snape's son.

Harry got up and left a few minutes before breakfast ended and dragged his feet up through the castle to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey looked tired as she came out of her office to see who had come in.

"Mr. Potter. Come in and lay down. The Headmaster said you'd be in and he said you could miss your first two classes."

Harry looked around, hoping to catch sight of Remus, but he wasn't there.

"He's in a guest room, and he's all right, just tired."

"Did he stay here last night?"

She gave him a look meant to admonish him but it was soft.

"Do you think I'd discuss my patients with other people?"

Harry sat on the egde of his normal bed and she made a shooing motion with her hands to get his feet up off the floor and the rest of the way into bed.

"But I know what he is. He said he'd be with you because he didn't have potion."

"There are cabins in the Forbidden Forest. In particular there is one reinforced with magic. Now that is all I will say about it because you are going straight to sleep." She didn't have to tell him twice though. He closed his eyes and was out.

* * *

The nap helped Harry, but when he woke his cravings were back. Madam Pomfrey was waiting for him with a bag of liccorice snaps, lemon drops, and hard orange creme candy, and after giving him pepperup potion, she sent him on his way to class. Altogether Harry had only had four hours of sleep though, and was still dragging throughout the day, even with the pepperup potion. He wondered if this was Dumbledore's plan... keep him so tired that tonight he'd go straight to sleep. He might have if he didn't have other plans.

Now that Ron had told him what he'd said, Harry did notice his classmates, especially the Gryffindors giving him looks during classes, and by dinner he'd made the decision to go back to Gryffindor with Ron and Hermione. Maybe if people saw him they'd stop scruitinizing him some closely.

"Coming back tonight?" Ron asked when Harry left with his friends and didn't head for the dungeons.

"Yeah. I thought we could do some homework together."

"You still look tired," Ginny said. Harry noted a hint of sadness in her voice and felt bad then. Aside from meals he really hadn't seen much of her.

"I'll be ok. You can sit by me and keep me awake," he said with a smile. He pulled out the almost empty candy pouch and gave her an orange creme and put a liccorice snap in his mouth as they headed up to the tower.

At a table by the fire, Harry got out his defense text and started going over notes with Hermione, Ginny holding his left hand under the table. They'd only been studying for fifteen minutes when the portrait hole opened and the Headmaster walked in. His eyes scanned the room and quickly found Harry. Harry didn't notice him because he was writing down notes, but others did and they followed Dumbledore with their eyes as he made his way to Harry's table. The Headmaster never came into the common room so when he had reason to, the students took notice.

"Mr. Potter," he said, and Harry looked up into his blue eyes. Damn. He'd come for him in here? Harry looked around and found everyone but his friends looking at him. This was just going to cement what Ron had said to them if the Headmaster had come for Harry in the common room. "I believe you are supposed to be somewhere else this evening."

"Oh. Uh..." Harry let go of Ginny's hand and stood up. He put his notes and book back in his bag and stared at the ground as he followed Dumbledore out, though he did turn back to give a wave to Ginny.

Out in the dark corridor, Harry watched his shoes and wondered why Dumbledore didn't say anything as they started down through the castle.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked.

"No," Dumbledore said gently and turned and gave him a half smile, hands behind his back.

"I wasn't trying to sneak away from you."

"If you were, I would not be angry. I realize that you are not exactly... in your right mind just now."

"I'm not crazy."

"No. But I believe you have about as much control over this at this moment, as Professor Lupin has over his transformation."

Harry frowned and griped the shoulder strap of his bag tighter.

"Ron said people were asking why I hadn't been in the dorms. He and Hermione and Ginny told people that I cursed Professor Snape and was doing detentions every night, and comming in late."

"Ah, thus also explaining away their Potion Master's absense. Miss Granger's plan?"

"Ron's."

As they reached the dungeon quarters and went inside, Albus said, "Harry," and Harry turned to look at him. "You are like your father in many ways except one. He would not ask for help even if he were dying of thirst and every person around him had extra water to give. It takes a man to accept help, as he has done many times. But it takes an even bigger man to ask for it."

Did the Headmaster just... compliment him? He wasn't certain.

"As much as you have no control over your current state, you asked for help to be arranged, much as Professor Lupin has no control and asked for help. I'm proud of you Harry."

"So- you're saying Remus is a better man than my father?"

He smiled. "Not at all. There are different ways to be adult, to be responsible... I merely wanted to express how proud I was in the choice you made."

Harry set his bag down in the living room chair, not intending to do any homework now that he was down here.

"I appreciate your thoughts Professor," Harry said, feeling angry with himself all of sudden for getting himself into this asphodel mess in the first place. "But I don't think anyone is proud of the choices I've made this year," he paused, and then added, "especially not me. I could have avoided this, and now I can't control myself." He turned and went down the hall to his room and shut the door. The cravings were nagging at him, but he was also tired and felt like he could just fall into the bed and sleep for a week. He took his shoes off and layed down, staring at some parchment that lay on his desk in the darkness. Sirius had started all of this, but Harry could have avoided all the hurt he was feeling now. Maybe he couldn't have avoided the asphodel, but he could have stayed away from his father. He could have told him to shove off, that he didn't want anything to do with him after all he'd done to him in the past years. If he had, he wouldn't be worried about him now. He wouldn't miss him. He wouldn't be having these panic attacks and craving the asphodel so bad.

He rolled over and went to sleep, and his negative thoughts followed him into his dreams, where his father and Sirius played chess at Grimmuald Place and the Headmaster stood over them telling them how bad they were. An open coffin stood in the corner against the wall and Draco was inside, and when Harry went to see if he was dead, his eyes snapped open and he transformed into a werewolf there in front of his eyes. "Don't fight it Harry. There's no way to escape," the wolf growled in Lupin's voice, and Harry didn't fight. He resolved to let what was going to happen, happen.

* * *

When Harry didn't come out of his room in the morning, Albus went down the hall and knocked on his door. There was no answer and there was still none when he called to Harry. Finally, he opened the door, fearing that the teen had somehow snuck out on his watch and was surprised to find a large gray and white bear lying on the floor, making the room seem even smaller and more cramped. Harry's bear form pushed up against the bed and dresser as well as the desk and nightstand.

"Harry?" he asked. Harry stared at him but didn't say (or growl) anything.

"It's nearly time for breakfast," he said, but he had a feeling Harry wouldn't be going this morning. His suspicions seemed to be confirmed when Harry didn't transform back into his human form.

"Would you please explain your actions?" There was still no response.

Albus took a breath and let it out slowly. Severus had told him that Harry's cravings were lessened or gone altogether in his bear form, and if Harry wouldn't answer him, he could only assume that he had transformed to keep his urge to escape out onto the grounds at bay.

"Can I assume you will not be attending class today?"

Harry turned his head away from Albus and rested it on his large furry paw.

"Very well, but there will be a consequence for missing class, which I will leave up to Remus when he returns tomorrow."

Remus isn't my guardian, Harry thought as Dumbledore left, and even if he were he doubted he'd be punished. Remus had never punished him before, not even in third year when he'd taught defense. No, it was better like this. As a bear, he'd never had anyone. As a bear, he didn't need anyone. He could rely on himself this way. Maybe it was fate, that he'd changed to this. Draco had called him a 'big ugly bear' but the truth was, he was just himself, and as soon as he got a chance, he was going out the front doors and out to the Forbidden forest where he didn't have to make any more mistakes. With his luck, he'd lose Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Remus. He didn't want that, and if he just separated himself now from them, it would be easier in the end. Harry closed his eyes and slept.

* * *

"I suppose this gives the saying, 'you're as stubborn as a bear' new meaning Mr. Potter," McGonagall said, crossing her arms that day after lunch. Dumbledore wasn't there but apparently he'd told Harry's head of house what was going on.

Harry stared at her. What did she expect? One person could only take so much before they really did become a basket case, and Harry didn't want that. Becoming a bear was the only way he knew to stop it, to make things right.

"What will Remus say?" she tisked. Not, 'what will your father say', and Harry knew she didn't say it because it had been too long. If he was alive he would have come back, or gotten word to them somehow. In just a few more days it would be three weeks since he'd disappeared.

"How long do you plan on staying like this?" Her voice had changed and Harry looked up to find that she was gone. His eyes traveled down to the floor and found her in her cat form. He stared at her.

"Well Mr. Potter?"

He turned his head again so he wasn't looking at her.

"It's not like you to be rude, nor childish."

How long was he planning on staying like this? Forever, or at least until he could get Ashpodel, and then forever after that.

"Will you at least give me a reason?"

"No." Harry didn't want to speak to her, but she was right, he was being both rude and childish.

"What will I tell your friends then? I'm sorry, but Harry has gone off to live as a bear?"

"That'll be fine," he said, and she gave a low growl.

"Really Mr. Potter. I understand that you're upset, but this is not the way to deal with it."

Harry clamped his mouth shut and didn't respond to any more of her questions or statements for the next few minutes, and when she left, Harry thought, if I'm dealing with something this way, then it is the way to deal with it.

Draco came by after dinner and transformed into his fox form and Harry did talk to him for a while, mostly about Severus because Draco had brought news that they were still looking for him.

"So you're really going to stay like this?" Draco asked, sitting up straight in the small area of available space by the door.

"Got some peace and quiet today didn't I?"

"You missed the minor explosion in Potions today. Professor Treylawney subbed today for Lupin and she had us mixing some kind of vile love potion. Teddy Knott inhaled some of the fumes coming off of his and got dizzy. He dumped powdered ants nest into his cauldron on accident and exploded his cauldron and workbench.

"Do you think they'll find him?"

Draco stopped talking and looked at him.

"He's Severus Snape. Do you think he'd let anyone kill him? This is the man who has struck fear in the hearts of students for years. The man that can't swim but somehow made it out of a river towing your sorry arse, tackled Sirius Black, and has survived years of exploding cauldrons."

Harry snorted and then laughed and accidentally transformed back into his human form because he had been thinking that bears don't laugh but humans do.

Draco turned back too. "Was that an accident?"

"Yes," Harry sat up and rubbed his stiff neck. Sleeping on a hard floor as a bear all day hadn't done his muscles any favors.

"The man that has a trademarked swish of his robes," Harry said with a little grin. The way his robes billowed behind him had always added to the fear students seemed to have of him.

"If you're the boy who lived," Draco said, "he's got to have some of your lucky genes."

Harry looked at him. "Think so?"

"I hope so." And Harry could tell that Draco's voice was filled with hope, but not certainty.

Harry stayed in his room that night in his human form. He would have gone back to Gryffindor but Dumbledore was still there since this was the last night of the full moon. Dumbledore did knock on his door to check on him, but Harry pretended to be sleeping. When he left, Harry waited for over an hour and then opened his door and peeked out into the living room. The lights were all off and Harry wondered if the man was sleeping.

Stepping lightly as he would have done at the Dursleys while sneaking out at night to get food from the fridge, Harry tiptoed down the hall and squinted to see if he could spot Dumbledore. He was sitting up in the tall chair in the living room, but his eyes were closed and his breathing was steady. He crept to the front door and was glad to find that it hadn't been spelled closed. He prayed it wouldn't creak when he opened it and was pleased when it didn't make a sound. He didn't bother closing it for fear he'd make noise when it latched, and ran as quietly as he could down the hallway. He was done trying to stop himself from having what he wanted. There was so little he wanted in life anyway now that he had no parents and no family.

Harry kept expecting Dumbledore to come after him, to wake up and find that he'd gone, especially with the front door open, but he didn't and Harry made it out the front doors and onto the grounds with no resistance. He changed into his bear form and sniffed the wind for any sign of Remus, but found none. Stepping down into the snow, Harry wandered off, glad to be outside, finally, and began sniffing for the scent of Asphodel, hoping he could find some under all the snow.

As the night wore on and the darkest edges of the night gave way to a faint light on the horizon, Harry made his way into the forest where there was less snow on the ground, and let his nose lead him to his prize. He'd never seen asphodel in it's plant form, but his nose told him it was the right plant. He scratched at it with his paw until the red roots were exposed and let himself transform into his human form. He dropped to his knees, pulled at the root and stuffed some of it into his mouth, chewing it up. It tasted aweful, but he could feel it entering his system. Harry laughed and lay down on his back on the frozen ground to stare at the stars. Finally. If his father wasn't comming back, then there was no reason to stay away from the red dirt. There was no reason to stay in the castle, or to stay in his human form at all. As he stared at the sky, he felt like he was floating, and soon knew no more as he lost consciousness.

"Over here!"

"Is it him?"

"Quick! He's so cold!"

Harry could hear voices but didn't know why they sounded so panicked. He knew it was Remus and Dumbledore, but he didn't know why. They were right though, he was cold. Why hadn't his fur protected him?

"Harry. Harry, wake up."

Harry didn't want to wake up and squint into the bright light that was trying to penetrate his eyelids though. He was perfectly content to float where he was. If he woke up, he'd fall and the floating would stop.

"He's alive."

"I trusted you to watch him. He trusted you."

"And I stopped him from going out half a dozen times. He was emotionally compromised."

Harry felt goosebumps on his skin and really wished he had a blanket or something, and was surprised as a blanket magically appeared over him then. It must have been floating too, he thought.

"Let's get him into the castle. He must have been in his other form for part of the night or else he'd be dead. It's below freezing out here."

"His magic may have kept him alive."

"Incendio."

Harry felt a warmth then and wondered what they'd set on fire and why. So long as it wasn't the floating plant, so he could come back and get more tomorrow. Someone picked him up and he was saddened that he was no longer floating on his own. He cracked his eyes open as he was carried away, and saw that it was his patch of asphodel root on fire. Maybe that's why he'd stopped floating.

There were other words that Harry didn't really hear or understand, because voices seemed to swim in and out at the edges of his consciousness, intertwining and mingling until he couldn't tell who was speaking or what words had been said just then or hours before.

At some point, Harry's mind began to clear enough to realize that he was in a bed and was no longer cold, and also that Remus and Dumbledore were somewhere nearby, but not in the same room. He could hear their voices, but they were muffled, as if they were in the hallway. He cracked his eyes open and wished he hadn't as bright light assaulted his senses as it streamed in through a tall window. It looked like the Hospital Wing but as he looked around, he realized that his was the only bed in the small room. It was one of the private rooms usually reserved for students or staff who were contagious with the wizarding flu or some other dangerous malady. Harry wondered if Remus had stayed here at times in his werewolf form, because there were several long scratches in the stones high up on the walls.

Harry strained his ears to hear what Remus and Dumbledore were saying. He'd heard his name several times already. They must have been whispering just outside the door. He listened hard for his name agian, but heard Sirius' instead.

"I'm worried about Sirius. I owled Grimmuald Place and Molly said he hasn't been in for a week and a half. Before that he kept himself isolated."

"Perhaps he is out searching for Severus," said the Headmaster's aging voice.

"I doubt it. You know how they feel about each other."

"Nymphadora did say she'd seen Harry's owl at Grimmuald Place about a week after Severus' disappearance."

"You think Harry wrote to him?"

"I was hoping you would tell me."

"He did write to him once about the Asphodel though Sirius would never tell me what was in the letter. He also sent a short letter over the holiday with a drawing of his animagus form. I think he mostly writes the things that he can't tell anyone else."

"Severus was uncertain if Harry had been in contact with Sirius since the summer."

"Perhaps it would be best if it stayed that way if he returns."

"If. Sirius is still Harry's godfather. If Severus doesn't return..."

"He can't go back Albus. You know that."

"I know you would take him if you could, but the Wizengamot would never allow it."

"He'll be 17 in the summer. Then he can make his own decision."

The two men grew quiet and Harry wondered if he'd somehow made a noise. They began talking again, but it seemed as though they were moving away down a hall, and their voices faded to nothing.

As he stared at the ceiling, Harry thought over what he'd heard. Sirius was AWOL and apparently suffering ­like Harry was, probably because of the letters Harry had sent him. His last one had declared that he hated him. How strange, and silly, Harry thought, that because of what Sirius had done they now both suffered, and not just suffered, but suffered alone, apart from each other. Dumbledore was right. Harry had to go somewhere until he turned 17, and the Wizengamot would never let Remus take him because of his 'dangerous metamorphic' status. Severus was gone, and that just left two options: the Dursleys or Sirius. Harry didn't know which he would choose if he were given the choice. The Dursleys who didn't care for him at all but who'd never raised a finger to him, or Sirius, who had to have cared about him at some point in the past, but who had done worse than the Dursleys had ever dared to do.

He supposed he'd have to deal with the situation when it came time to deal with it. There was still a long time until summer. Right now he'd just have to focus on dealing with his current situation. He was stuck in this room and he could only think of one reason why he'd be here. He must have snuck out and eaten Asphodel. He couldn't remember doing it. He could remember being stubborn and lying on the floor as a bear all day, and McGonagall's visit. He remembered Draco's visit, and Dumbledore sleeping in the darkness. There was also an open living room door and Harry running down the hallway, but nothing beyond that. Harry clenched his eyes closed and tried to recall anything at all, but only came up with a jumble of voices, cold skin, and something on fire.

If he had taken the Asphodel, why wasn't he going through withdrawls right now? The last time, he'd beamed his father over the head with a large heavy book, nearly crawled out of his own skin, and tried to escape several times. This was his first rememberance of this room though. He didn't even know how long he'd been there.

He heard footsteps and the door opened a moment later, admitting Madam Pomfrey.

"You're awake Mr. Potter. That's good to see."

"I take it I did something stupid and foolish?"

"That's not for me to say, but I believe your father would say something like that, yes."

"Asphodel?"

"You were lucky. Professor Lupin and the Headmaster found you passed out in a t-shirt in the Forbidden Forest. How you survived that without frostbite, I doubt we'll ever know."

Harry lifted his fingers to his face to examine them and Madam Pomfrey said, "They're all there. Your toes are fine too."

"But I'm here."

"You were sleeping through a rough couple of days."

"How long?"

"Three. The weekend has come and almost gone. Your friends have been in and out asking to see you but I've told them I've had to quarantine you because of the wizarding influenza."

"You said I was sleeping... does that mean I didnt' take the asphodel?'

"You did. They found a half eaten bunch of raw roots. They're toxic in that form. That's why the root is dried first, to remove the toxins. Because it was in it's root form however, I was able to give you dreamless sleep and calming draughts without them having any adverse effects on you, which was fortunate since I also needed to give you potions to remove the poison from your system."

"Oh. When can I leave?"

"You need another dose of the anti-toxin, and once I'm satisfied that the toxin and anti-toxin have cleared your system, you can go."

She folded her arms then and tapped her finger on one shoulder. "None of the other students who had taken Asphodel were given the same leniency or considderation as you were Mr. Potter. There was no effort to keep what they had done a secret. You were the only one this was done for. You seem determined to undo everyone's efforts however."

I'm not, Harry thought, but didn't say anything. "I realize you asked for help, and otherwise stayed away from the Asphodel until now, but that doesn't excuse what you've done."

What about having a dead father... again? Was that enough to excuse it? "Am I getting expelled?"

"I don't believe you are, though I'm certain you will be punished." Though at her words, Harry thought to himself, 'I've been punished enough.'

"Yes, you have been punished enough," she said, and Harry's eyes snapped up.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"No, but I could imagine you were thinking it. You won't find a staff member here who doesn't think the same. You must realize there are consequences to your actions though. I'm aware why the exceptions have been made for you, but at the same time I'm afraid that the exceptions have become the rule."

Harry frowned. His father had always complained about rules being bent and even broken for him, but that was before he knew they were father and son.

"Don't worry," Harry said, and she stared at him as he rolled over onto his side and stared at the window. "I'll be punished at the end of the school year when they send me back."

Harry heard her make a noise as though she was going to say something, but she didn't, and after a moment she left. Apparently she couldn't argue with his statement.

* * *

His body ached, and he wasn't certain where he was. Every time he opened his eyes, his vision swam and everything around him spun, so he kept them firmly shut. His fingers and hands burned and his feet throbbed. His throat was dry and he didn't think he could form words any longer. He didn't know when he'd eaten last or had a drink of water aside from the small puddle on the concrete that he'd sucked up long ago. He was certain that the only thing keeping him alive was his magic, but he could feel that slipping from him now too. He'd drifted in and out of consciousness so many times, lay there in pain for so long, opened his eyes and been confused and disoriented for so many days, that he wasn't even sure if what he thought was true was reality anymore. Maybe he wasn't magic. Maybe he wasn't who he thought he was, just a drunk bum on the street in an alley, though he was certain he wasn't in an alley. He could smell hay that was frequently wet from rain or snow, and he thought he heard sheep and and the occasional cow.

Who was he then if he wasn't himself? What was he if he wasn't magic? He had the feeling that there was someone he was supposed to stay alive for, but he couldn't remember who. Names and faces sometimes came to him in a disorienting fashion in his dreams, but he was never sure which name belonged to which face and how he knew these people. Perhaps he was going crazy.

If he really was crazy, and the names and faces meant nothing to him, then he wasn't certain why he was holding on, hungry, thirsty, dizzy, and broken. Wouldn't it just be easier to let go? It would be. There was something inside of him that had been holding on for him... something that he thought was magic but was no longer certain. It was like a small warm place at the very center of his soul. It was what made him... him. As it slipped away each day, more of him slipped away with it and he became more disoriented. What if he just let the rest of it go too? Then he'd be done with all of... this. Whatever this was. Was there something else after this? He felt like he should know the answer, because he had had a conversation about it with someone else in some other life. He wished he could remember so he could know the answer.

There was a pop somewhere close by, and he wondered what kind of farm animal would make that noise. Not a sheep or cow. He strained his ears and somewhere not terribly far away he could still hear the noises sheep make. He could still smell damp hay and something else he thought was probably his own stench of decay. Maybe he was already dead and this was what was on the other side. If this was death, he didn't think he liked it very much.

"Wake up."

He didn't move. It took a lot of energy to breath and try to sort through all of these thoughts. Waking up would sap what little of that warmth in him that he had left.

"Come on. Wake up."

No. He thought stubbornly. No, I don't think so. Not today. Maybe not ever. Not if I'm dead.

"Damn it! You have to wake up! Harry needs you!"

Something in him stirred then, something in that warm place. A face from his dreams tried to come to the front of his mind, but all he could see was an empty face with a mess of black hair. There were no eyes or other distinguising features though.

Eyes still closed, he opened his mouth to speak, but his throat was too dry. There was a noise as though there was a trickle of water and the voice was lifting his chin and then water was pouring into his mouth. He drank with some difficulty and weakly raised a hand to push the water away.

He didn't know why he said what he did next, because it made no sense to him, but out of his mouth came, "What did you say mutt?"

There was a sigh. It sounded tired. "Wake up. Harry needs you."

He thought on that. Harry must be the empty face with black hair. Mutt was a strange name for someone to have though.

"Help me up." His voice was so raspy that he wondered if this was what it normally sounded like. He could no longer remember. Strong hands lifted him from under his arms and held him when his legs refused to do their job.

"Don't think this means anything," the voice said.

He laughed then. He wasn't even certain why. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time. Perhaps something deep down inside him thought something was funny. Something from his past life, before he was dead. "Don't think this means you're even with Harry." There were those strange words comming out of his mouth again. Words that weren't his because he didn't know why he was saying them or even what they meant.

"I don't." Then there was a strange feeling and a loud popping noise, and the smell of damp hay was gone, though the smell of his own dying body remained with him, wherever they had gone.

Severus Snape was in his own private room in the Hospital Wing. It was in fact the room Harry had just vacated not five hours before. Harry had just been discharged and had happened to be in the corridor one floor down on his way to lunch in the Great Hall when Sirius had come up the stairs supporting the lifeless form of the Hogwarts Potion Master. Harry didn't even notice that Tonks was on the other side of his father holding him up as they hurried up through the castle. He did notice the uncomfortable look Sirius gave him as they passed. In the past if they would have encountered each other like this, Sirius might have done something like wink at him, or reach out to toussle his hair. Not this time. Now only discomfort passed between them, or at least from Sirius to Harry. Harry wasn't uncomfortable. He wasn't frightened. He wasn't even relieved to see his father there. His father who was apparently very much alive.

He stood in the empty corridor and stared after them long after they'd turned the corner towards the Hospital Wing, bright light reflecting off of the snow outside comming in through the windows. In what world had Harry just stumbled into where his father was alive, Sirius was in the castle looking at him uncomfortably, and had apparently just saved his father?

'I'm worried about Sirius. He's been missing for a week and a half.' Remus words spoken to Dumbledore came back to him. Had Sirius received his letter about hating him for giving him his father only so he could be taken away, and then vowed to do something about it? Had he been missing for a week and a half, because he'd been out searching for him?

Feeling like he was on automatic, Harry let his feet take him down to the Great Hall where he sat down between Ginny and Ron.

"Feeling better Harry?" Ginny asked, trying to sound bright. "We tried to go see you but Madam Pomfrey said you had the flu."

"Yes," Harry said. He put something on his plate but he wasn't paying attention and wasn't sure what until he took a bite of asparagus. He hated asparagus but made no move to fix the error.

"Can you come back to classes today then?"

"Sure."

"Rotten luck then," Ron told him. "You should have faked ill until tonight to miss classes for the rest of the day."

If I'd done that I'd still been in the Hospital Wing though, watching them trying to revive my father. My father who is supposed to be dead.

Harry grabbed Ginny's hand and she smiled. He returned the smile and drank his pumpkin juice, but made no mention of his father or of Sirius. He went to afternoon classes with them and then to dinner, and still said nothing about the incident. It wasn't until after dinner that Harry and his friends were comming out of the Great Hall and they saw Sirius hurrying down the stairs and towards the door. Harry stopped walking and Sirius looked up and into his eyes as he went, and then conveyed how uncomfortable he was again by looking back down to the floor and going out the door without a word to anyone.

"Was that-" Hermione started.

"It looked like it," Ron said in a serious voice.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Draco asked angrily, comming up behind them. They all turned to Harry, who just stared at them.

"He brought my father back."

Mouths parted one by one. "Professor Snape?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

"He's probably in the Hospital Wing."

"What do you mean probably?" Draco snapped. "You haven't been to see him yet?"

Harry shrugged and then took Ginny's hand. "I think I'm going to go do some homework."

Ginny went with him but Harry wasn't sure if she really wanted to or not. Ron and Hermione didn't follow and moments later Draco passed them at a sprint up the stairs, probably going to the Hospital Wing.

"Was he ok?" Ginny asked when they were alone in the corridor outside of Gryffindor.

"I imagine so. They wouldn't bring him back here if he wasn't going to be."

"You're not curious though?"

"No." It was a lie and Harry was sure Ginny knew it. Of course he was curious. He wanted to know what had happened. It had been three weeks and two days since he'd disappeared. Almost a month. That was a long time.

"Harry, please stop."

Harry stopped at the plea and gentle tug on his hand and stared at Ginny blankly. "What are you doing Harry?"

"Going to the common room to do homework. I missed a couple days of school with the flu."

"I don't believe for one minute that you had the flu and I don't believe you'd choose to be here when your dad is in the Hospital Wing."

"He was dead Gin," Harry said seriously. "For a few days he was missing, and after that he was dead. Just because he's back doesn't change that. If you don't want to do homework with me, you don't have to." He turned to go into the portrait hole and was surprised to find Ginny behind him as he went inside to the mostly empty common room.

He went to his room and retrieved his books and by the time he came back down the stairs, the common room was filling up with students comming back from dinner.

"Do you want to go to the library with me?" he asked Ginny. She gave a quiet nod and looked uncertain, and he lead the way out, passing Ron and Hermione as they exited the portrait hole.

The library was quiet, for which Harry was thankful. Aside from Ginny, he really didn't want to be around other people. As he pulled out his books at a table in the back, he was silently thankful that his cravings were not there with him. For once, he just wanted to enjoy Ginny's company, do his homework, and not have any drama. Not think about Sirius, or his father, or the dirt, or anything or anyone else.

"He and Ginny worked quietly side by side, Harry occasionally asking her a question about Charms and Ginny occasionally setting her hand on top of his on the table and giving him an uncertain look that he was intent on ignoring.

"What are you studying cub?"

Harry looked up to find Remus across from them, taking a seat. He guessed it must have been nearing curfew because there were very few other students in the library.

"Potions," Harry said. He looked over at Ginny's open book and noted that she'd moved on to Herbology.

Remus gave a nod and then said gently, "You know your father is in the Hospital Wing."

"Yup," Harry said, looking back down at his homework. He still had rather a lot to catch up on.

"And you saw Sirius."

"Twice."

Remus' voice growing gentler still, as if he sensed the dangerous ground he was treading on, said, "Your father has asked for you. He's sleeping now, but I don't think anyone would fault you for sleeping in the Hospital Wing tonight."

"I'm sleeping in the dorms," Harry said.

"Ginny, would you give us a moment?"

Ginny stood up and reached for her bag, but Harry stood up suddenly himself.

"No, that's ok," Harry said. "I'm going back to the common room. I'll wait for you outside Ginny."

He stuffed his books into his bag and hurried out. Remus looked at Ginny for help.

"Professor Snape is dead," she said quietly. "That's what he said. He was missing, then he was dead, and that hasn't changed."

Remus sighed. "Thank you Ginny." She gave him a nod and then followed after Harry, leaving Remus sitting at the table in the back of the quiet library, a lot to think about.

* * *

"He is angry with me," Severus said in response to Lupin's reasoning that Harry being 'busy' with school work was why he'd yet to come see him. It had been three days since he'd been brought back by Black and two since he'd regained consciousness. "He believes I abandoned him."

"I don't think so," Remus said, sitting in the hard wooden chair beside the bed in the private room. He'd occupied it for almost two days straight when Harry had been here in this bed.

Severus glared at Lupin from where he sat in bed. He was still too weak to get up or take care of himself and Poppy wouldn't let him go until most of his magical core was restored. It was only at forty percent currently and she wouldn't let him go until it was at ninety, which could take days, or even weeks.

"Listen," Remus said at the look his colleague was giving him. "He thought you were dead, and he came to that conclusion pretty quickly. It was like, he was preparing himself to hear it because if he kept hope up that you would come back then he'd be dissappointed. His parents died, and then after his ordeal with Sirius... I think he just expects to lose everyone around him."

Severus narrowed his eyes. It was possible that Lupin was right. He had been there taking care of Harry while he was gone. It was possible that the boy had confided things in him that Severus had yet to hear, or realize about the child.

"I suppose he told you about his... problem?" He wanted to be careful in case Harry hadn't.

"He was struggling with it and having panic attacks any time he thought about you. The full moon was comming and he knew I wouldn't be able to be there with him, so he told me and asked me to find someone to stay with him so he wouldn't go out."

"Albus?"

"Yes, though I got the impression he wasn't happy about it. They certainly had a difficult time together and it didn't end well."

"Meaning?"

Lupin shifted in his chair and looked uncomfortable and Severus gave him a warning look that he'd better answer soon.

"Harry tried to escape on the first night several times and Albus stopped him. On the second night he slept, and on the third morning Albus went in to find him in his bear form. He refused to come out of it or go to classes, though by that evening when Albus returned Harry was there in bed asleep as himself. Albus didn't ward the door though and Harry slipped out. I returned the next morning to find him gone and alerted Albus. We found him in the forbidden forest next to a handful of half eaten raw Asphodel root. He was lucky he didn't freeze to death. He spent the next several days in that bed asleep and recovering from the 'influenza'."

Severus looked down at the sheets over his lower half as if he would see some sign of Harry there. "In fact, he'd just been discharged when Sirius brought you in. They met in the hallway, but neither said anything. Harry saw him again as he left around dinner time, but they didn't speak then either."

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Severus wished he could just go back to sleep. His son had fallen apart in his three week absense, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and now he wasn't interested in speaking to him or seeing him. Draco hadn't done so well either (his grades had taken a considderable hit) but considdering that he had no one to take care of him as Harry had, and that he'd been in to see him every day, he seemed to be in good shape now.

"There's something else," Remus said, clearing his throat.

Severus looked up. "How can there possibly be more?" Had the child tried to leap from the rooftop also? Started using more illegal substances? Gotten a girl pregnant?

"He's been writing to Sirius." That was almost as bad as the other options, Severus decided as Remus continued to speak. "I don't know how many letters or what all was in them. I know he always tells Sirius not to write back. It's been going on for quite some time apparently. Harry didn't tell me this, but Sirius did before he left, because I asked him why he went after you. He'd been out for a week and a half and none of us knew where he had gone."

"And?"

"Harry wrote him a letter that said he hated him for giving you to him just so he could lose you again."

"And that caused Black to suddenly grow a conscious?"

It was Remus' turn to give Severus a stern look and Severus returned to rubbing his eyes and the bridge of his nose.

"Everybody does the best they can. I expected you'd know that by now." He stood up. "Don't worry about classes. The Headmaster has asked me to stay until you're ready to return. I've already moved out of your quarters and back into my old ones."

He went for the door in the small room and then stopped. "Oh. There was something else. The night you disappeared, Harry, Ginny, and Draco Malfoy were out on the grounds together in their animagus forms until well past midnight. They were just comming in when Albus was setting off to search for you. No one's been punished yet. They thought it would be best to leave Harry and Draco up to you."

"Wonderful," Severus said, wishing his splitting headache would get better and stop getting worse. Remus gave him a tilt of his head and then was gone.

He could barely see straight, he couldn't stand, and he felt like he couldn't concentrate, but he had to because he had a lot to think over. He hadn't even fully processed what had happened to him yet and yet he knew he needed to process all that Harry had apparently been through. It would be easier if he could speak to the boy, but until he could rise and seek him out, it didn't seem like that was going to happen. As Severus struggled to get back into a laying position, he wished Harry were there, not so much to help him, just to see him. Harry had kept him going as he had laid there on that remote farm next to the decrepit old barn. Before names and faces and reasons had slipped away from him, all he thought about aside from the pain was getting back to Harry. Now he was back, and Harry didn't seem to want him there.

* * *

Draco was angry at Harry, and Harry knew why, but he couldn't bring himself to do what everyone seemed to want him to do. Going to see his father would be easy. It would be too easy. Making a relationship with him hadn't seemed easy at the time, but Harry knew that compared to losing him, it was. Going in there to see him, asking him what had happened and if he was ok, telling him he was worried about him and loved him... that would be easy. Harry would have very much liked to take the easy way out, but he knew what that would lead to. Heartache. Despair. His world falling completely and totally to ruin. They were at war, and Harry was destined to either kill or be killed. If he survived, he knew the odds that his father would also survive were slim to none. No, if he did make it out of this war, he didn't want to be in despair over his father. It would be easy to go to him now, but it would be much easier in the long run if he didn't. If he just separated his emotions for him now, cut hismelf away from the relationship clean... no, he couldn't go see his father, even if Draco wasn't speaking to him. Even if Remus had been back to speak to him twice about it and Ron and Hermione and Ginny seemed worried about him. This was what was best. He had even thought about it from the other direction too. If his father were to survive the war, and he did not (he wasn't even sure he had a 50/50 chance) then he would be saving his father from heartache. If he could get him to hate him again, then maybe they'd both be all right.

With a plan in mind to be the old, defiant Harry Potter that the Potion's Master often cursed, breated, and always put down, Harry avoided the corridors near the Hospital Wing as if his life depended on it. He didn't want to go near them and have McGonagall or Pomfrey drag him in there to see him. He found alternate routes to classes and the library, and made certain he was busy during free time so no one would pester him about going to the Hospital Wing.

"You're a real jerk," Draco said to him as he passed one day in the hall. His tone was that of the old Draco Malfoy, and Harry wondered if he had to lose Draco too in order to separate himself from his father. The question actually caused him to think hard on if this was the right decision or not. He'd become almost as close to Draco as he was to Ron and with so few true friends, he didn't want to lose one. Draco was the only one who truly understood what it had felt like to be at Grimmuald Place alone with Sirius. Was he willing to lose that?

It happened again several times, Draco glaring at him, calling him names like: 'jerk', 'selfish', and 'arrogant', and once Draco even knocked into him in the hall, causing Ron to curse and make a rude gesture at the blond.

"What's his problem anyway?" Ron asked. Luckily Hermione hadn't been there to tell him off for his gesture.

"He wants to be Snape's son. He probably thinks I'm wasting my chance at something he wants and can't have."

"Well-" Ron hedged, which wasn't like him at all. Harry turned to look at him.

"What?"

"Aren't you?" Ron asked.

Staring at his friend who had been keeping his mouth shut on the issue up until this point, Harry said, "Am I what? Wasting my chance to be the son of the dungeon bat?"

"You'd better give him your broom back if you're going to act like that. My mum and dad would have mine back in about half a second if I talked about them like that."

Harry huffed. Was Ron turning on him too?

"Just- just leave me alone," Harry said. He felt shaky all of a sudden and panicky. He stalked away and around the corner, trying to find any place free of students so he could try to regain control over himself.

Was he wrong to make this decision? His friends and teachers seemed to think so, but it wasn't their life was it? They hadn't fallen apart when he'd gone missing... hadn't gone back to the Asphodel, had frequent and debilitating panic attacks, thought for certain that their only remaning parent was dead...

Harry slid down the wall and put his face in his hands. He knew people were probably staring, but he couldn't think about that right now. All he could think about was breathing, because he couldn't breath. His chest was tight and he was certain he'd never be able to breath again.

"Get a teacher," he heard someone say. He thought it was Draco but wasn't sure becuase Draco was still angry at him and wouldn't help him if he were angry.

"Harry." Some ammount of time must have passed because Lupin was with him then.

"Breath Harry. You've got to breath. You're ok."

No, no he wasn't ok. He would never be ok. He was losing everyone and everything around him. Sirius, whom he'd clearly wounded and guilted into saving his father, his father who had died and somehow come back from the dead, and would probably die again, and his friends. Was he destined to be alone?

"Breath Harry." He felt Remus trying to pull his wrist away from his body, but Harry pulled back and was like a solid rock.

"It's ok, I'm here," Remus said. "All the others have gone."

Not ok. Not ok. Not ok.

Harry knew Remus was trying to get him to stand up, and eventually he must have because he was walking now, but his eyes were shut tight and he was still shaking. Maybe his feet had been charmed to move on their own, Harry didn't know becuase all he could think about was trying to breath.

"Here Harry, lay down." Remus helped Harry to sit down on a bed, but the space for him was narrow because there was someone else there. And then he heard his father's voice.

"What's happened?"

"Draco found him in a hall like this one floor down. He's having an anxiety attack. I barely got him to stand up."

Warm arms wrapped around him and Harry found himself against his father's warm chest. He could hear his heart beat slow and methodically and Harry was reminded that he was alive, not dead.

"I know he didn't want to come up here, but he was having these attacks earlier because you were gone."

"Thank you."

A door opened and closed and Harry remained rigid, just trying to breath.

"Shh. It's all right now."

Harry wanted to believe the words and let himself be soothed by them, but he couldn't. He wasn't supposed to be here. This was just going to be harder on him in the future. But his father's heartbeat was still slow and steady, and his arms were around his shoulders, and for the time Harry felt safe. He didn't know how long he lay like that before his breathing started to fall in time to his father's heartbeat, and his limbs relaxed. He felt rather childish now, having to be brought to his father like this and be consoled, but he couldn't bring himself to feel ashamed. The man had been missing. He'd been dead. Now he was here and Harry was with him, and his chance for an easy ending in the future was gone, because he was too weak to resist the easy way out in the here and now. Harry didn't fall asleep, but he didn't say anything either. He was just content to be there in the moment and let himself be comforted.

Harry stared quietly at the wall for some time, and because he had not yet looked up at his father, he did not know if he had fallen asleep as he sat there in the Hospital bed hugging him. The rythmic rise and fall of his father's chest, and his heart beat was calming, and if Harry were to admit it to himself, he hadn't felt this calm or safe in weeks, or maybe even months. Maybe he hadn't felt this way since before the start of the summer.

Eventually he did feel his father shift, signalling that he was not asleep, and Harry turned his head slightly to let his eyes roam somewhere aside from the boring castle wall. On the other side of the bed there was a nightstand, and on it were several books. The one on top caught his eye. It looked distinctly Muggle.

"What's that?"

He felt his father turn his head above him to look at the books on the night stand.

"Madam Pomfrey was kind enough to bring me reading material."

"It looks Muggle." He let his eyes move along the spine of the crimson book. War: The Aftermath - Shell Shock, PTSD, And Other Cognitive Reprecussions. "What's PTSD?" Shell shock he'd heard of before. Sometimes Uncle Vernon watched old World War I movies on the telly and the characters mentioned it, usually doctors.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

Harry stared at the book for a moment more before he let his eyes go to the two books under that one. They looked like they were both about PTSD as well. The bottom one looked like it was from Flourish and Blotts.

"Remus said you've been having anxiety attacks."

Harry was quiet. Well that was obvious given the state he'd come into the room in.

"Were you having them before I went missing?"

He'd certainly felt panicky and anxious about Sirius a lot after coming back to the castle during the summer, but the feelings hadn't completely locked him down like had been happening recently.

"I- maybe."

"And before this summer?"

Harry thought on it and couldn't come up with any memory of it. "No."

"Do you think about what happened with Black a lot?"

"I used to. Only sometimes now."

"Do you relive what happened?"

"In my dreams mostly."

Severus sighed and Harry noted that his grip tightened on his shoulders momentarily as if to reassure him.

"Those are both symptoms of PTSD. It is something soldiers fighting in wars sometimes experience, but anyone who has been through a traumatic experience can start having symptoms."

"You think I have PT..."

"SD. I believe you do." He paused and then said, "Madam Pomfrey brought the possibility to my attention, and after reading through some of these books, I recalled some of your earlier behavior after returning to the castle."

"So- what? What does that mean?"

"Do you want to stop having anxiety attacks and reliving what happened?"

"I was having the attacks because you were gone."

"Yet you would not come and see me when I came back."

There it was. Harry wondered when it would come up. He didn't know how to explain his reasoning to him, or even if he wanted to. He was afraid his father would be angry with him as Draco was.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"I believe I can help you to stop having them, but you will have to do as I say."

"If this is going to end up like Occlumency lessons last year- "

"It will not."

Harry furrowed his brow. "How then? You're going to help me be less stressed? If it means I get to play more Quidditch then I won't mind. That's helpful to relax."

"Unfortunately that is not the type of stress we will be seeking to relieve. You are having stress brought on by thoughts of what happened over the summer, not from an impending school exam or other typical teenage stressors."

"I told you, I didn't have panic attacks over that."

"Perhaps not, but I believe it stems from the same issues that that incident brought about."

"What are we going to do then?"

"Mostly talk. For the time being, it seems as though I have an abundance of time to do so."

Harry finally sat up all the way, and his back was immediately cold from where he'd been leaning against his father. He gave him a close looking over. "When will you be out?"

"My inner magical core had become almost completely diminished. It will restore itself eventually, but it is currently only near fifty percent."

"Does that mean you can't do magic?"

"It means I should not unless in dire circumstances."

"Did Voldemort... you know- diminish it?" Harry still didn't know what had happened. He bet that Draco did, but they weren't talking, and even if Draco had tried to tell him, he wouldn't have listened.

"After Devon was expelled, he was apparently recruited by Death Eaters. He was left in Hogsmead to spy on shop owners and visitors, and apparently spotted us together in town several times. He put the pieces together and reported back to Voldemort that you are my son."

Harry looked away. He knew it. He'd almost gotten him killed.

"I expect you to listen without placing blame on yourself," Severus admonished him, and then continued. "After being attacked for several hours, I was able to apparate away. They pursued me and I apparated away several more times, each time to more remote locations than the last. I eventually ended up on a farm. My magic hid me from Muggle view and kept me alive until Black happened upon me with a tracer spell. Apparently he'd traced me from the meeting to all of the places I'd apparated to, and then to where I was."

"But the Death Eaters didn't?"

"I do not know which spell he used exactly, but it was able to counteract the safeguards my magic had thrown up around me."

When Harry was quiet and didn't respond, Severus said, "I was informed that you saw him in the castle twice."

"He didn't say anything to me," Harry said. "He didn't want to look at me either. It was like... he was embarassed."

"What did you do when you saw him?"

"Nothing. I just watched him and then kept walking." Harry looked down at his hands. "Sorry. That I knew you were back and didn't come up here I mean."

"I forgive you. When you saw Black... were you fearful?"

Harry looked at him and frowned. What was this, a counseling session? He did want to stop having panic attacks but he'd already told his father, they weren't about Sirius, they were about him.

"No. I wondered why he looked embarrassed."

"Have you asked him in a letter?"

"Ok, so you know I've written to him... am I not allowed to write to who I want to?"

"I was merely curious. I had not been aware that you were in contact with him until I was told after I returned."

"Sirius told you?"

"No."

Feeling frustrated Harry stood up and moved to look out the window in the tiny room. There was room for a bed, a chair and a nightstand and nothing else. "He never writes back so I'm not really 'in contact' with him. Sometimes when I'm angry I just write to him. It's easier than yelling at you or someone else."

There was a pregnant pause and then against his better judgement Severus said, "And also unfair."

Harry turned. "Unfair?"

"To write to someone only when you're angry and tell them not to write back."

Harry held up his hand. "Wait, first you're mad at me for writing to him, and then you're mad at me for telling him not to write back? I don't get it." Harry felt like he was being talked in circles and getting no where. He was confused and didn't like it. They'd been talking for half an hour already and he felt like he didn't understand where the conversation was going or where it had already been.

"I am not angry and you are not in trouble for writing. I believe you know that it is unfair to take your anger out on someone else however. You know what that is like to be on the receiving end of the same."

"You hate him, what do you care if I'm unfair to him? He was unfair to Draco and to me."

"And he saved my life."

Harry stared and his father's words hung in the air. There was that. Sirius had saved him probably because he was upset about Harry's apparently unfair letters to him. They weren't really unfair though. Sirius had caused a lot of trouble for Harry, trouble that lingered to this day. This would be twice that Sirius gave Harry his father though.

"When Remus came the first time, you didn't want to hear anything about Sirius or his excuses or how sorry he was. You didn't want me to forgive him. What do you want from me?"

Severus sighed and stared out the window. "I believe you are having issues with anxiety and PTSD because you haven't been able to let go of certain things. You admitted to me once that you began taking the caffeine pills and asphodel because of the way you felt about what happened during the summer. When you get anxious you seem to have cravings for the asphodel. Perhaps I was wrong to encourage you not to forgive him, if forgiving him will help you to move on."

Harry crossed his arms. "I told you, I was having anxiety attacks because of you, not him. And for your information I haven't had any cravings since a couple of days before you got back."

Looking Harry in the eyes to assess the truth of his statement, he asked, "None?"

"None. And that was when I was still anxious, and I didn't have any in the hall earlier today either."

"It is possible that they have gone away on their own. Some who take the asphodel are lucky, most are not. With how long and strong your cravings were lasting, I did not believe they would ever dissipate."

"Maybe it was all the poison from the raw asphodel."

"I have studied the powder but not the effects of the raw plant. I am not informed enough to say if that is possible, only that if it is, others do not know about the remedy." Feeling tired and weak, he gave Harry a hard look.

"I want you to think about what we've talked about."

Well that's fine for you to say, Harry thought, feeling snarky. I don't even understand everything that's been said.

"And also," his father continued, "do not believe you have gotten away with your misbehavior while I was away."

"I'm getting punished for the asphodel?" Harry half shouted. "I tried not to I really did! I didn't even fight with the Headmaster or Remus or anything-"

Severus held up a hand to cut him off. "I am aware that you were outside your power of will to resist the temptation of asphodel, and also proud that you took steps to keep yourself from going out. That is not what I am speaking about. There is the matter however of you and your friends sneaking out to wander the grounds past curfew, and also of your refusal to go to class on one of the days that I was gone."

Harry crossed his arms again. Oh, that. He'd almost forgotten about those things.

"Draco has already served detention for being out after curfew and I believe Minerva will soon be issuing a detention slip to Miss Weasley."

"What's my punishment then?"

"Cleaning bedpans."

Harry's face fell but his father was giving a rare smile then and Harry relaxed. "That's not funny," he said.

"Neither will be your punishment when I decide what that is."

"Ok."

There was a knock on the door and Severus bade whoever it was to enter. When the door opened, Draco stood there looking back and forth between Snape and Harry.

"Come in," Severus told him, and he came in and closed the door.

"I've got some homework to do," Harry said to his father, and Severus nodded. "Good, something to keep you out of trouble. Remember what I said to think about."

Harry gave him a nod, gave him and Draco a last look, and then opened the door and left. Draco was probably still mad at him, he thought, and besides that Harry felt embarassed that Draco had found him shaking in the hall earlier that day.

Harry went down to dinner with his friends and asked Ginny if she'd gotten a detention slip, (which she had), and told her he was supposed to be getting some kind of gruelling detention when his father got out of the Hospital Wing.

"So you've been to see him then?" Ginny asked.

"Remus sort of dragged me up there."

"Just so you could get chewed out?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"Well, no. But he did say I'd have to clean bed pans."

Ron groaned. "Cleaning his bed pan? That's disgusting."

"He was joking," Harry said, "but he did say I was in pretty serious trouble but he hadn't decided what my punishment was yet."

"See," Ron said, "told you you should have taken me with you. We could have gone out a window again by broom instead of sneaking out the front doors."

"When did you sneak out a window?" Hermione asked.

Ron grinned. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"How is the transformation coming?" Ginny asked Ron and Hermione then.

"It's not exactly," Hermione said. "We tried on one of the days I had worked out on the callendar but I think we need to try one of the other forms."

"One of us can threaten to eat you," Harry joked, "get you scared enough to turn."

"No thank you," Hermione said stiffly. "I'll figure it out on my own."

"S'that how mum got you to do it?" Ron asked Ginny. "You haven't seen her angry until you've seen her turn into a wolf."

"No, it took me two years to learn and even in the end I struggled with it. It's like... you have to know what it feels like to be your animal form, and if you don't know what animal that is you don't know how to do it. It's all very confusing."

"We'll get it," Hermione said again, and Harry hoped they would because that would be fun to go out together as animals with all of his friends, even if they did get caught.

* * *

Harry stayed in the dorms that night, but he couldn't sleep. His father's words about being unfair to Sirius circled in his head. He wasn't being unfair, not really. If he was still having problems because of Sirius, then why should Sirius be able to just forget about everything that had happened? He got out of bed at half past midnight and sat at his desk in the dark room to write another letter.

My father says I'm being unfair to you. But it wasn't very fair what happened to me and Draco over the summer.

He paused, quill in the air. What else could he say? He was thankful to have his father back. What he really wanted to say was, 'why did you look embarassed when I saw you in the castle', but he felt too uneasy about writing that down. That would be inviting Sirius to write back to him.

I don't know why you went to get him, but I'm glad that you did.

Harry set his quill down and climbed back into his four poster. He put his hands behind his head and stared at the canopy. Maybe he'd think of something else to write in the morning. But in the morning, there was nothing else to say, so he sent the letter as it was.

"What do you mean?"

"You cheated. Cheating's not allowed when you play games. You ran off and left me here. You escaped this house. I didn't."

"I- I escaped from you, not the house." Harry was shaking his head, backing up and trying to get away from the front door of Grimmuald Place where Sirius stood, staring out at him. The building loomed high above him and seemed like it was coming closer to him even though he was backing away.

"You left me here Harry. I can't get out. It's not fair."

"Just leave!" Harry shouted at his Godfather, but the man only shook his head and looked sad, as if to say he couldn't.

"I didn't do anything unfair!" Harry shouted at him, feeling panicky as the house loomed ever closer, as though it were trying to swallow him. "You're the one that was unfair to me! Why would my parents be dissapointed in me? They wouldn't!" He was angry and the house seemed to shrink back at his anger.

Sirius did too, and as the dream started to fade he said quietly, like a small child who had been scolded would, "They loved me. They would never have left me."

Harry woke from his nightmare, not with a start, but staring straight up at his canopy. He was wide awake, as if he hadn't been sleeping at all. He frowned and gave a sigh. While his father had been gone he'd dreamt of being alone, and before that he'd had nightmares about Sirius beating and tormenting him, telling him what an aweful person he was. Now his nightmares were of a different sort, where he really felt like a bad person. Where he tried to tell himself that he hadn't been grossly unfair, but always woke feeling like he had been. Last night he'd dreamt of the night he'd first found out that Sirius wasn't a real criminal. Sirius had offered for Harry to stay with him, and it had been like a dream come true until that plan had fallen to pieces and Sirius had had to go on the run again. And the night before that he dreamt of the dissapointed look Remus must have wore when he found out they weren't going to go to the Quidditch tournament together.

Harry sighed and rolled over. He looked at his watch. It was only four thirty in the morning. It wasn't nearly time to get up yet, but he wasn't in the mood to go back to sleep. He hadn't really been in the mood for much the last few days.

He climbed out of bed, bare feet meeting the chilly stone floor, and went to sit at his desk chair to put his socks and shoes on. His father was supposed to be released from the Hospital Wing sometime today. Maybe that would change his mood. They'd been doing a lot of talking (to the point that Harry was really tired of it) the last few days since Remus had taken him to see him in the Hospital Wing. It had almost all been about his summer, though the topic had ventured over several times to the dirt (and Harry really didn't want to talk about that). Maybe after today his father wouldn't be so bored and would have better things to do than to talk to him. But then again, maybe not. Remus was still teaching Potions for the next week or so to give the Head of Slytherin house more time to recouperate.

After getting dressed, Harry sat back at his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment. He wanted to write to Sirius that he was not being 'unfair' to him, but knew Sirius wouldn't understand because the events of his dreams hadn't actually happened. Quill poised full of ink and ready to write, Harry put it to the parchment and then pulled it back up again, frowning at the ink blot that now stained the page. He tried again and there was another ink blot. Why was he even trying to write to Sirius anyway? It wasn't like he had anything to say. It wasn't like he wanted a relationship with him again. Harry frowned and then thought, not at all and put the quill back into the inkwell rather harshly, sloshing ink onto the desk and parchment and onto his fingers. He stood up and left the dormitory, thinking of maybe going for a walk as the sun rose. It would be rising in the next half hour.

Down through the quiet castle, Harry wondered if any of the castles other inhabitants were rising yet but thought that they probably weren't becuase it was Saturday. It was eerily quiet, and it was different than being out late at night after curfew. Technically he was still out after curfew because they weren't allowed out of their common rooms until five thirty, but it was 5:01 and he didn't think a professor would scold him for being up early (hopefully).

"Harry?"

Harry spun, surprised. Hadn't he just been thinking about getting caught? At least it was only Remus. He looked like he hadn't had his morning coffee yet.

"I woke up early," Harry said. "I'm not trying to break curfew."

Remus waved him off. "I didn't think you were."

"I was going to go for a walk." Some of the snow had melted off recently and the grass was starting to poke through. It wasn't quite spring, but Harry thought it was a good time to go out.

"I was just on my way down to the Great Hall for an early tea. Would you mind some company?"

Harry shook his head, hands in his pockets, and they went down to the Entrance Hall together. Harry went with Remus to the Great Hall, where Remus conjured two insulated mugs with lids and poured steaming hot tea into them.

"Are we going anywhere in particular?" Remus asked as they headed out the front doors.

"No, just around. Maybe the lake."

"It looks like it will be a good sunrise this morning. It's been awhile since I've seen a good one."

"Yeah." Harry hadn't brought his gloves, so he kept his hands buried deep in his warm coat pockets as they walked in silence towards the lake.

"How have you been?" Remus asked.

"Good." Well, better than when his father was missing. He hadn't had a panic attack in four days now. He felt kind of... deflated. Almost like he'd been on a long emotional roller coaster and now that it was over all the excitement was gone and there was just nothing. Not that everything that had happened was exciting... more taxing. Dreams still fresh on his mind, Harry suddenly blurted out, "Am I being unfair to Sirius?"

"Unfair? What made you think to ask that?"

"My dad says I'm being unfair sending him mean letters and saying not to write back."

"Hm."

"And-"

"And what?"

"I keep dreaming about Sirius being stuck in that house by himself. Like... I got out and he's still stuck there. Like it's not fair."

"Harry, you did what you had to, so did Draco. You going to a place where you felt safe was not being unfair. Sirius is a man and he can leave if he wants to. He does keep himself locked in his room a lot, but he also leaves the house often and disappears frequently not to be seen for days."

"Out looking for Professor Snape."

"Yes. Do you feel like you're being unfair to him? Other than leaving Grimmuald Place?"

Harry shrugged. "My dad has always hated him. Now all the sudden he's saying I'm being unfair to him. Like... like I should just forgive him already and get it over with."

"He said that?"

"Something like it. It doesn't make any sense. All the sudden he's on Sirius' side."

"Sirius saved his life. Not for your father Harry, but for you."

"You're not making me feel any better."

"Do you want me to? Or do you want to hear the truth?"

Harry gave him a thoughtful frown. "The truth."

"What Sirius did to you wasn't right. He knows it wasn't right. He feels bad about it, and I'll wager that as much as you struggled with this, he also struggled with it. He doesn't believe you'll forgive him, but he is trying to make ammends anyway, in his own way. The letters you send, which are only angry letters from what I can gather, make him feel like he needs to do more. So he went out looking for Severus."

"So you think I should forgive him too? Just forget everything that happened to me and Draco? Just go and pick up where we left off before this summer?"

They stopped walking, the absence of the sound of their feet crunching in the snow creating absolute silence.

"Harry, that's not for me to decide. I still don't know what he did to you aside from the black eye. He hasn't said and neither have you. The only thing I know for certain, is that until you're seventeen and an adult, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go and live with him again, and even then I would think you have a place with Severus."

"So- I shouldn't forgive him?"

"I didn't say that either."

They continued walking and drinking their tea, which worked wonders to warm them up in the cold.

"It was bad. You don't know what it was like there."

Remus looked at him for a moment but didn't respond, and after another twenty feet, Harry started talking again of his own accord. "After Draco took my broom and left... that night I mean, Sirius was mad. He said I would have been nothing but a dissapointment to my parents. He said it like he was disgusted with me... like I was evil. And he hit me in the face. He took my wand and threw it into the hall and then pushed me down. He had his boots on and he kicked me until I cried. Then- then he kicked me more."

"I had no idea," Remus said.

"I was trapped. Draco got away but I was stuck there. Every time I left my room, Sirius was there watching me. I had broken ribs and I was bruised all over. And then Professor Snape came looking for Draco, and he didn't believe me. He thought I'd gotten into a fight with Draco or something. But I made him take me. And he didn't heal me, he just dragged me around the country looking for Draco. It wasn't until I passed out after we found Draco that he finally healed me. He wanted nothing to do with me." Harry's bottom lip trembled and he couldn't help it. He hadn't thought about how Snape had seemed disgusted with him for a long time. And then, when they'd first found Draco and gone back to the castle, Harry hadn't known Snape was his father. Thinking about it now, in the context of Snape being his father made it suddenly hurt like a fresh wound.

"Harry," Remus stopped and put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "I wish I could have been there for you this summer."

Harry shook his head and looked away, jaw set in a hard line. "It doesn't matter. It's nothing new."

"Look at me cub."

Harry turned and met his eyes.

"It does matter, and so do you."

"This has been my whole life Remus. Everywhere I go." He whispered the last part.

"And you have a hard time believing things have changed?"

Harry nodded.

"I used to be like that."

"What do you mean?"

"Before Hogwarts I was shunned because of my condition. My community wanted nothing to do with me. My brothers and cousins weren't allowed to play with me, my grandparents wouldn't send me presents at Christmas, and at family gatherings I wasn't allowed to be in the same room with anyone, all because I was too 'dangerous'. I was totally isolated and people treated me like dirt. It wasn't until I came to Hogwarts that things changed. The Headmaster hid my lycanthropy and for the first time since I was five years old, I was allowed to have friends. But for the first few years, I still acted like I was alone because it's what I was used to. I still expected people to treat me like I was dirt, or to ignore me. It took time to really sink in that things were different."

"But-"

"What?"

"People still treat you bad. You had to leave when people found out you were teaching at Hogwarts. And you can't find a job other places and-"

"And those are the things that don't matter anymore," Remus said with a warm smile, "because I have friends like you, and Albus, Minerva, and Sirius. People who I know for a fact care about what happens to me. And when I remember that, everything else seems to fade away."

"Sirius- I don't think he cares about me. He wouldn't have hurt me like that if he did."

"He made a mistake. A bad one, and to be honest, if I were you, I don't know if I could forgive him for what he did. It was inexcusable. Believe me when I say I'm beyond angry on your behalf at what he did. What I do know though, is that we do the best we can after we make mistakes, and I believe he is doing the best he can. Are you doing the best you can?"

"Me?" Harry got a panicked and hurt look in his eyes as his mind flitted back to the old fear that he could have done something to prevent all that had happened.

"Haven't you made mistakes this year Harry? I don't mean at Grimmuald Place."

Harry ran a hand through his hair. The caffeine pills, the asphodel, being a jerk and lying to Ron, being a bad son and not going to see his father after he'd been brought back to the castle...

"I- I don't know."

"Are you who you want to be?"

"No. Not yet."

"Not yet. That's the key. I've seen you trying Harry. I've seen you trying to do well. To make ammends for what you've done and to keep yourself on the right path."

"But I just messed it up again. I went out for the asphodel."

"We all make mistakes Harry. Nobody's perfect. We're all mortal. All we can do is try."

They turned back towards the castle because it was nearing six o'clock and people would be heading for breakfast in half an hour and it would take them at least forty minutes to trudge back up through the snow.

"Remus?"

"Yes cub?"

"I'm glad you're here." Harry flashed him a quick grin and Remus reached out and pulled him close to him, tousling his hair.

"I'm your second godfather remember? Where else would I be?"

* * *

Harry almost felt at peace after his talk with Remus. He went up to the Hospital Wing after breakfast to see what time Madam Pomfrey was going to let his father go, but ended up meeting him on the way there.

"She let you out?"

"Barely. She has given me strict orders that I do not intend on following."

"Like?"

"Staying in bed and out of the classroom."

"Remus said he has your class for the next two weeks."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

"You want him to leave?" Harry really liked having Remus around and didn't want him to leave just yet.

"I want to go back to some form of normality. If I spend one more day in bed I will lose my mind."

"It's not so bad," Harry teased, flashing him a grin because he still felt in a fair mood after his early morning walk with Remus.

Severus gave him a sideways look and then shook his head. By the time they got down to the Dungeons however, Severus wasn't feeling as strong as he had in the Hospital Wing. He sat down heavily on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Are you ok?"

"I am more tired than I thought," Severus said, not sure whether to be touched or irritated with the concern he detected in his son's voice.

"What's your magical core at?"

"Eighty Five percent. Poppy said it may be another month until it's at one hundred again. Apparently I am the first person she has seen in her career to have a magical core so severely depleted."

"How low was it?"

"Five percent."

Harry knew from one of his first year classes that if a wizard's magical core ever got to zero they would likely die, and if they didn't they would be a squib forever after that moment. There was a theory that if a mother got injured while pregnant that her body would draw from her baby's magical core to keep herself and her child alive, and the baby would be born a squib.

"What are you thinking about?" Severus asked at the intense look on Harry's face.

Harry looked up. "Your death."

"I did not die, nor did I come close to it."

"It's not fair to lie," Harry said, walking past him and into the kitchen. Harry wasn't sure if Madam Pomfrey had given his father breakfast and thought that he'd probably like something to eat. Harry tapped the kitchen table with his wand and a plate of food appeared. A handy trick he'd learned from his father. Apparently all staff quarters were linked to the kitchens. He went to the counter to heat water for tea and was aware that his father had come to lean weakly against the doorframe in the kitchen.

"I did not mean to lie to you. I apologize."

"Ok," Harry said, using his wand to heat the water in the tea kettle.

"What are your plans for today?"

"I have Quidditch practice at five and Ron wanted to do something at four."

"Would you like to play chess?"

"After you eat breakfast," Harry said, bringing the tea kettle to the table. His father sat down and he went to his room to get a book to read. When his father was done, Harry went back to the living room to set up the chess set on the coffee table, and watched as his father slowly made his way into the room to sit on the couch.

"You look tired. Are you sure you don't want to nap?"

Severus shot him a look. "I am certain." They began to play, and after a few minutes Severus said, "I did not expect you would be up so early on a Saturday."

"I was out on the grounds with Remus."

"Doing?"

"Walking. Drinking tea."

"Hm."

"You really don't like him being here, do you?"

"I did not say that."

"But you act like it," Harry said, moving one of his pawns forward and taking one of Severus' rooks. "And it doesn't make any sense because he's always been nice and Sirius hasn't been, and you act like I should just forgive Sirius and make nice with him."

Sensing the rising tension in his son's voice, Severus decided to tread carefully with how he said his next words. "I believe you should forgive him because without doing so you will continue to hold on to feelings that will only do you harm in the end."

"Remus said he didn't know if he would forgive Sirius if he were me."

"Did he."

Harry looked up at the clearly irritated comment.

"I didn't mean it like it sounded," Harry said. "That wasn't all he said." Harry was feeling irritated now himself. How could he possibly convey the entire meaningful conversation he'd had with Remus that morning and how it had left him feeling at peace. He couldnt, and in truth he didn't really want to. "I just don't understand why you dislike him so much."

"I am trying to help you deal with things, and he is hindering my efforts."

"No he isn't!" Harry said, voice raised slightly. "He makes me feel better."

"By telling you not to forgive your Godfather?"

"Sirius isn't my Godfather anymore," Harry said, and there was such finality in his tone that Severus raised his brows.

"I am surprised to hear you say that. Not that I am pleased or displeased with the decision."

"Why?"

"With how few people you get close to, I am surprised that you would cut one out of your life."

"I don't need him."

"Perhaps not, but it is still- interesting."

Harry shot him a look. He got the feeling his father was about to launch into one of his recent 'talking' sessions that would lead back to the same topics of the panic attacks, the PTSD, and the dirt. Harry didn't want to go there.

"I'm not going to talk about it."

"You don't feel like you need your Godfather, or you don't think you need anyone at all?"

"I have a Godfather. His name is Remus. And I have a father, who is ignoring the fact that I just said I'm not going to talk about it."

"Remus is not your Godfather."

"Well he should be!" Harry set his knight down rather hard and stood up.

"You cannot simply choose something like that," Severus said.

Harry spun around. He had been headed for the door. "Yes I can! James and Lily didn't seem to make very good decisions on my behalf appointing Sirius as my Godfather. So I'm calling the shots now. Remus is the only adult in this castle who has never been bad to me, not even once. He's always been there for me. He was there for me this morning, he was there for me when you were missing, he was there for me when you were in the Hospital Wing, he was there for me in my third year... so don't be upset that I have an adult who is always on my side just because you don't like him. That's not fair to try to take that away from me!" Harry hurried to the door, ignoring his father's shout for him to come back, and slammed it on his way out. He took two steps down the corridor and was surprised when he almost ran into Draco.

"What's going on?" Draco asked.

"He's in a foul mood, I wouldn't go in there right now."

"You look in a foul mood yourself."

"I am," Harry snarked, and continued past his friend.

Harry ignored Hermione when he passed her in the Entrance Hall a few minutes later and ignored Ron on the next floor up when he asked what was wrong. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now or explain to them that his father was a total jerk. He was on the third floor when someone finally managed to stop him.

"Harry-"

Harry passed Remus without even looking at him. The more he stormed around the less angry and more hurt he felt and he didn't want to stop and talk about it now. But Remus hurried down the corridor behind him and then reached out and grabbed Harry's arm gently to stop him. Harry stopped without a fight.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Concern was written all over Remus' face and Harry knew why. He was close to tears and he looked away so that the man he wished were his Godfather wouldn't see any that escaped his eyes.

"Come in here," Remus said, and Harry followed him a few paces back down the corridor to Remus' quarters and inside. He hadn't been inside these quarters yet. They were much smaller than his father's. Only one large room with a bed, wardrobe, desk, small couch and coffee table, and a door that he thought might lead to a bathroom. Maybe only Heads of House got large lavish quarters.

Harry sat on the couch without being invited to do so and Remus pulled over the desk chair to sit across from him.

"What's going on? It wasn't that long ago that I left you in the Great Hall with a smile on your face."

"I might have just yelled at my dad... a lot."

"He's out of the Hospital Wing?"

Harry nodded.

"He doesn't listen to me," Harry said without being prompted. "He won't leave me alone."

"I don't understand."

"He wants to keep talking about the same things over and over that I don't want to talk about anymore. About forgiving Sirius and the dirt and other things." Harry had yet to mention to Remus the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder thing... Harry sort of felt less like a man to have something like that. Though if he were honest with himself, he didn't feel like a man at all for having yelled at his father and then running off in a childish fit of rage, or for taking the dirt or a number of other things.

"And he tried to talk to you about that just now?"

Harry nodded, and then said, "And he doesn't like you. I don't even know why," he finished, feeling depressed, like nothing ever worked out for him.

"You know he was at odds with James and Sirius during school."

"I know. But why does he have to hate you?"

"He's never told you about the incident?"

"What incident?"

"We were third years and it was before James and Sirius and Peter had figured out how to transform.  James and Sirius played a prank on Severus. It was the full moon and I was out in the Shrieking Shack, fully transformed, and they had lured Severus out there. He went inside and I almost killed him."

"I- I didn't know."

"No. James realized their mistake and saved him at the last moment. But that incident cemented Severus' dislike for myself, and anyone else associated with James and Sirius.

Harry was holding his arm with his other hand and looking embarassed, and Remus didn't fail to notice. "What is it?"

"Before I came up here, we were having a fight. I said Sirius wasn't my Godfather anymore and he wanted to talk about it. I said you were my Godfather now and he got mad. He said I couldn't do that and I said I could because you're the only adult in the castle that's never been bad to me, not even once."

"Ah. And you didn't realize the history between us when you'd said that."

"I sort of ran out of the room after that. I knew he couldn't follow me because he's so weak. He's probably still sitting there on the couch."

"Do you want to go back down there?"

"NO."

Remus chuckled and Harry wasn't sure why. "Maybe you should," he said. "I think it's the right thing to do."

"I don't want to go back and fight again. Besides, I think Draco is in there now. He was on his way in when I came out."

Remus nodded. "I don't have anything to do for the rest of the morning if you want to stick around."

"Are you sure?"

Remus nodded. "Of course. And I have some news no one else has heard yet." Harry looked interested, and Remus said, "Timothy Fain is not going to be able to finish out the year as Defense Professor. He's had a family emergency and he's put in his two weeks notice. As soon as your father is able to get back into the classroom again, I'll be taking over in Defense."

"Really?" Harry was excited. He couldn't wait to tell his friends.

"Yes."

Remus didn't try to get Harry to talk about anything for the rest of the morning (for which Harry was grateful). Instead they talked about what Remus was going to teach in Defense and the possibility of him staying on for the next year. Harry told Remus about defensive spells he wanted to learn and Remus listened, even writing a few of them down. Harry left for lunch, and met his friends in the Great Hall.

"What's going on?" Ron asked when Harry sat down. "Hermione said you brushed her off this morning too."

"I was mad at my dad. We had a fight. I ended up going to see Remus."

"Say something next time," Hermione said. "The way you were storming up through the castle made us wonder if Voldemort was coming or something."

"Or if Voldemort had insulted you," Ron said with a small laugh.

Harry laughed too. "Guess what. Remus is going to teach defense."

They talked about Remus' new job for the rest of lunch and Harry took note that Draco wasn't in the Great Hall as they left to do some homework before Quidditch practice.

Draco still wasn't at dinner that evening, and neither was Professor Snape, although Harry didn't expect him to be with how weak he was. Harry almost thought about going down to the Dungeons to see if he was all right, but just as dinner ended, a familiar black owl swooped down from the rafters and dropped a note into Harry's lap. It was from his father.

'Please come back down to my rooms so we can talk.'

Harry stuffed the note into his pocket, not caring if he crumpled it.

"What's that about?" Ron asked.

"My dad asking me to go back to his quarters so he can be a jerk to me again," Harry said.

"I take it you're not going?" Ginny said.

"No."

Up in Gryffindor tower, Harry went to his dormitory to gather homework to take back to the common room. He was feeling in a sour mood again, but didn't know what to do about it. As he picked up his Charm's book, he spied the blotched paper from early that morning. The letter that he had tried to write to Sirius. He sat down and uncorked the ink bottle, anger from his fight that morning and the note at dinner flooding back over him.

'My father says I have PTSD. He won't leave me alone about it. All he wants to do is talk. All I want him to do is leave me alone. I'm fine. You're fine. Everybody's fine!'

Weren't they?

Harry stared down at the reply from Sirius that had come to him Sunday afternoon. What had he written to Sirius to elicit a response after so long... after so many letters with no responses? That's right, he'd told Sirius that he had PTSD and he was sure Sirius must have looked it up. He'd said his father wouldn't leave him alone... wouldn't stop pestering him to talk about it. Sirius didn't seem to agree with Harry. 'Maybe you should talk to him.' Harry frowned. Why, why should I? He's a big jerk, what does he care? Snape used to be terrible to him.

If Sirius didn't agree with Harry about one part of the letter, what about the other part? 'I'm fine. You're fine. Everybody's fine!' Isn't that what he'd written? Maybe he didn't think Harry was fine (and really what had Harry written to him so far to indicate that he was)? Maybe Sirius wasn't fine. Remus had said as much, that Sirius was struggling because of what he'd done.

Harry scrunched up the note and threw it on the floor in the corner by the wardrobe. Ron would think he was nutters if he found out Harry had been writing to Sirius and had actually gotten a response back. Harry got dressed and went down to the common room. Ron and Hermione had let him sleep in and had already gone down to breakfast, but Ginny was sitting on a couch reading.

"Hi Harry," she said. "I waited until you woke up to go to breakfast."

He smiled at her, but didn't feel like smiling. He felt... confused about Sirius' response, and the things Remus had said to him in the past about Sirius trying to help him, trying to make ammends, saving Snape for him, were trying to crowd each other out in his mind.

"Ginny," he said, "can we have lunch together instead? A picnic maybe?"

"It's snowing outside."

"I know... I was going to go see my dad this morning." Well, he hadn't planned on it, but he felt like he should now. "Maybe we could have a picnic in one of the empty classrooms... just the two of us."

"That sounds nice actually. I'm getting tired of sitting with Ron and Hermione at every meal. All Ron can do is praise Hermione for how good she is at Quidditch."

Harry smirked and felt like he should give her a kiss then. Something he hadn't actually done yet. The common room was empty aside from some seventh years in a corner engrossed in their NEWT studies, so he moved closer. "You're something else," he said to her quietly. And then as though he'd been dosed with Veritaserum he said, "I feel like I should kiss you."

She blushed then and leaned in. Feeling embarassed, Harry looked quickly at the group of Seventh years who were pretending not to watch, and leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. When he pulled away, his lips felt... strange. Like the exchange had been magic.

"The Runes room at one?" Harry asked.

"I'll bring lunch," she said quietly, and he smiled and went out the Portrait hole.

Harry reached up to touch his lips where the feeling of the kiss still lingered as soon as he got into the corridor, and thought about it for ten or twelve steps, before he started to think about Sirius and his letter again. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Sirius did care about him if he told him to go talk to his father. And maybe Remus was right and his Godfather was trying to make ammends by bringing his dad back. But if Sirius cared so much, why did he hurt him so badly? Why did he hurt him at all?

Harry knocked on the door to his father's dungeon quarters, and after almost two minutes, it opened and Harry went in past his father and sat down in the high backed living room chair. He put his head in one hand and sat quietly. His father didn't say anything at first as he came over and sat down gingerly on one of the couches as though he were still in pain from his injuries.

"I want to apologize to you Harry," Severus said quietly, and Harry looked up at him and let his hand fall.

"Why?"

"You were right. I was not listening to you yesterday. There is a time to talk and it was not kind of me to try to force you to do so. I also wish to apologize for my earlier behavior towards you... in the years before I found out you were my son."

What? Why was he apologizing for this now?­ Besides, hadn't he already apologized?

"I know I cannot take back the things I said to you, or the way I acted previously. All I can do is try to be the best father I can be right at this moment."

"Why are you apologizing now? You already said this."

"Because of what you said yesterday."

Harry frowned and cast his mind around for what he could have said to bring this on.

"You reminded me that Remus is one of the few adults you have known who has never been bad to you." Harry opened his mouth to say he hadn't been meaning to accuse his father of being bad, but Severus held up a hand to stall him. "I am aware you did not say that to remind me of how I had acted, but it made me realize that it was still on your mind. I did not realize it was an issue, and I should have, and for that I apologize. I should not have stepped into the role of your father while expecting that you would just forget or magically heal from all the wrongs I had done to you."

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it again. He was sort of... impressed. It had been on his mind, thinking about how his father had treated him like something disgusting on the way back from finding Draco. They were quiet for long moments as Severus let Harry think over what had been said.

"I had a lot of time to think while I was away," Severus continued, and Harry looked up and met his eyes. "I realized how you make my world... how you mean everything to me. The thought of getting back to you kept me going, even when I was no longer coherent. It was as if my magic was reaching out to you, and forcing my body to hang on when my mind didn't know what to hold on to any longer." He stopped then and swallowed as though his throat had gone dry, and Harry's heart was beating fast in his chest at his father's confession.

"It is the most meaningful experience I have had," Severus finished, and he lifted a slightly shaking hand to wipe his eye. Harry's chest felt tight. He was... meaningful? He meant that much to somebody? He was the reason for his father to come back alive...

At that moment, watching his father trying to keep his hand from shaking, Harry realized that it had been a trauma for his father to almost not come back, and that he was trying to deal with it in the midst of trying to deal with Harry and his problems.

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Harry said, rising and sitting next to him, taking his shaking hand.

Severus looked at his son and drank in his green eyes. "You're more like your mother all the time. Giving forgiveness where it isn't deserved."

"Not always," Harry said, letting go of his father's hand and sitting back against the couch next to him. "I'm not that good of a person."

"Then perhaps you are more like me."

Harry looked at him and gave a little smile. "I think I can live with that." His father was strong. He was solid and sure of himself. He always seemed to know what to do, and not much seemed to get to him. Except his near death experience, but who wouldn't be upset by almost dying? No, his dad was what he wanted to be as a man. Strong, not weak.

"Do you think-"

"What?"

"Someday I could be as good a man as you?"

"You've got it wrong." Harry looked at him, and then Severus put his arm around him and pulled him into a sidearmed hug. "Someday I hope to be like you."

"You don't want that," Harry said. "I'm too messed up. My thoughts circle around in my head, and I don't feel sane half the time. I'm weak and childish."

"You have been through a lot and are trying to figure things out. Give yourself some credit."

"I'm tired of messing things up. It's like that's all I can do. I'll make a mess of this too, just watch. I would have already but you're too patient."

Severus laughed then, surprising Harry and Harry raised a brow at him. "Lily was always telling me how impatient I was."

"Well-" Harry hedged, and Severus took his arm back and raised an eyebrow as Harry smiled.

"I realize that I sent a note to you asking you to come down to the dungeons, but I did not think you would come. I had expected to still be trying to track you down in a week. Was there something you had come to talk to me about?"

"Sirius wrote back to me."

"What did he say?"

"To talk to you. I guess he thinks I'm messed up too."

"What did you write to him to prompt said response?"

Harry shrugged. "I was mad at you. I told him you wouldn't leave me alone about talking about things I didn't want to talk about. I said I was fine, he was fine, everybody was fine."

"I see."

"I don't think he's fine."

"How do you know this?"

"Because I'm not," Harry finally admitted. "I'm not ok."

"Come here." Harry leaned into him and he put his arm around his son's shoulders again. "You will be. I promise you, you will be. Are the cravings back?"

"No."

"See, progress already."

* * *

Harry wanted to send Sirius the same message he'd been sent, 'Maybe you should talk to someone,' but didn't know who Sirius would talk to. He thought Remus was his only real friend, and Remus was here at Hogwarts teaching Defense now that Severus was well enough to teach again. The Weasleys were still at Grimmuald Place but Harry could hardly imagine Sirius talking to Molly, who would probably curse him if she ever found out what he'd done to Harry and Draco. Who did that leave then? Dumbledore or another Order member, and Harry didn't think Sirius would talk to any of them. So Harry didn't write back to him at all. He didn't write for weeks, and he didn't get anything from Sirius in that time either. Harry thought that Sirius must be feeling isolated, and the more he thought that, the more he started to feel like that. He told his father, who said he should concentrate on doing things like Quidditch and dueling and getting into trouble like his friends (he really did say that). Ron and Draco had been caught out after hours dueling (in a friendly manner) out on the grounds last week, and Severus had been surprised Harry hadn't been in on it.

Harry tried to take his advice, and poured himself into his relationship with Ginny, Quidditch, and his studies. He spent a lot of time with Remus, who seemed to like his company, and it became known to the staff and his friends that if Harry went missing for hours on end he was either with Remus or Severus.

Spending time with Remus in his office or quarters was a lot different than spending time with his father. For one, people came to see Remus on a fairly regular basis. Students often came to him for help with homework, and staff seeked him out to have tea or just to have a friendly chat. When Harry was with his father, the only ones that ever came knocking were Draco, or occasionally Ron or Hermione or Ginny when they were looking for him.

The other difference was the activities they engaged in. With his father Harry spent a lot of time playing chess or working on Potions. With Remus Harry worked on his homework or was allowed to help plan lessons for younger years. The latter task Harry found engrossing and he thought that someday, he might quite like to become a Defense teacher.

Recently Ginny had taken to going with Harry to see Remus too, but hadn't asked to go down to the Dungeons with him to see the Potion's Master. Severus asked Harry about this one Friday evening, and Harry didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure why Ginny never asked to go with him to the Dungeons.

"I don't know," Harry said. "She hasn't said anything about not wanting to. I never invite her to go to see Remus, she just comes along sometimes."

"Hm."

"Do you still hate him?" Harry asked suddenly of Remus.

"I do not hate him."

"I thought you did."

* * *

There was a knock on the office door, and Remus smiled. Back again? Hadn't Harry and Ginny just left an hour ago? "Come in Harry." The door opened, but it wasn't Harry who came in.

"Oh, Severus, this is a surprise."

"If you have a moment, I wish to have words with you."

He was so serious that Remus thought he might be coming to tell him off for spending so much time with Harry. He motioned at the office door though, deciding to take his chances, and Severus came in all the way and closed it.

"I trust you're fully healed from your ordeal?"

"That does not stop Poppy from owling me every few days with orders to take things slowly."

Remus smiled. The woman was overprotective of her patients. She'd always fussed over him when he'd come back from the Shrieking Shack covered in scratches.

"May I ask what this is about?" Severus wasn't one to exchange pleasantries or engage in small talk, and the fact that he was doing so now was starting to make Remus feel anxious.

"I have a request of you."

"Oh?"

He looked like he was fighting himself to stay put and complete an imminent task. He put his hands behind his back and stood up straight, obviously steeling himself for what he was about to do.

"You are aware that Lily and James appointed Black as Harry's Godfather."

"Yes..."

"Typically parents set two Godparents for a child. They did not. As I was not present nor aware of my role in Harry's life, I would like to appoint him a second Godparent. One he has expressed interest in having."

"Severus, I-"

He held up a hand. "Let me finish, before I change my mind."

"He reminded me recently that you are one of the few adults in his life that has always had his best interests at heart. Would you- Remus," he had to hold back from snarling the man's first name, as he typically referred to him as 'wolf', "considder being Harry's other Godfather."

"I would be honored."

Severus seemed relieved for some reason that confused Remus seeing as how he looked like he was about to either explode or flee.

"Considering the dangerous circumstances of the times we are in, and my previous brush with an early demise, I have formally written into my will that you should take custody of Harry if something were to happen to me before he comes of age. That should prevent Albus or the Wizengamot from interfering. Harry is not to go back to his aunt and uncle or to Black."

Remus nodded, and Severus turned on his heel to go.

"Severus," Remus said, holding out a hand to forestall his departure.

He stopped and turned slightly to indicate that he was listening, hands still behind his back.

"I will always do what's best for Harry, and right now that includes apologizing to you for what happened in our third year. What James and Sirius did was wrong, and I am truly sorry for my part in what happened."

Severus gave a single nod, and then opened the door, and was gone.

What an odd encounter, Remus thought, but as he sat back at his desk to grade student essays, he smiled.

Severus was curious as he opened the door. On the other side was Ginerva Weasley. "Oh, hi Professor." She seemed surprised to see him there. He expected her to be nervous, like other students generally were when speaking to him, but she wasn't. "I was looking for Harry. Is he here?"

"He is not." It was the end of the day and it was Harry's free period.

"Oh." She looked dissappointed. "Ok. Thank you sir."

She turned to go, but Severus cleared his throat. "Miss Weasley." She stopped and looked up at him expectantly.

"Would you be willing to give something to him for me when you see him at dinner?"

"Sure." He wasn't sure if her face brightened then at the prospect of seeing him at dinner in the next hour or for some other reason. Severus turned and went to retrieve an evelope from the desk in the living room, and came back to the door with it, handing it to Ginny. She looked at it, possibly wondering what was inside, and then smiled at him. He wasn't used to students smiling at him.

"I'll make sure he gets this."

"Thank you." She turned and walked away and he closed the door. Remus being Harry's Godfather, students coming to his door and smiling at him... this was turning out to be a strange day. Severus had no idea that it was turning out to be a strange day for his son as well.

"What do you mean we're related?" Harry was asking at that exact moment out on the grounds. He frowned at Draco.

"Just what I said. You and Ginny are related."

"I don't want to know."

"It's not a big deal. It's not like you're going to marry her or anything. And even if you do it's common amongst wizards. Mother and father are second cousins."

"I don't want to know," Harry said, putting his hands up over his ears. "I kissed her. I don't want to know how we're related."

"Well since you're a Snape, that makes you related to me, and I'm related to the Weasleys. Technically that makes you related to Black too."

"Not listening," Harry said as they walked with Draco through the mostly melted snow and ice which had mingled with dirt to make mud. Harry's shoes and hems of his pants were covered in brown muck and his socks were soaked completely through.

"I looked it up in the book that has my family tree. It's interesting and you really should know about it."

Harry stared at him. "What's so interesting about it?"

Draco laughed. "You have no idea. Ok, so the Malfoy and Prince families have been intermarrying for years."

"Prince?"

"Well, before your grandma married your grandpa her surname was Prince. Ok, so Albrecht Malfoy, that's my great grandfather, married Denidah Prince and had two sons, Abraxas, that's my grandfather, and Luther. Luther married Ansley Prince and had your grandmother Eilene Prince. Luther was the older brother so he had Eilene twenty years before his brother had my father Lucius. That makes my father and your grandmother cousins."

"This is making no sense," Harry said plainly. He doubted that even if he had the family tree in front of him it would make any sense.

"It does."

"Wouldn't my grandmother's last name still be Malfoy?"

"Her father disowned her when she married a Muggle born so she took the Pince name again. Your side of the family seem to do that a lot."

Harry shot him a look and Draco ignored it. "So your grandmother and I are second cousins, and my dad and your dad are second cousins, and that makes uncle Severus and me third cousins, and you and me fourth cousins."

"You calling him uncle doesn't help this explanation any."

Draco shot him a look and scolded him, "Pay attention."

"Ok ok. But how does any of this matter at all?"

"Mother and Sirius Black are cousins which is why I had to stay with him this summer, and the Weasleys are related to the Blacks. I had to look in a library book to figure out their relation because they were blasted off our family tree ages ago. Basically, you and Ginny are fifth cousins twice removed."

"Fifth cousins twice removed? We might as well not be related at all. You had me worried. I thought you were going to say she was my aunt or something."

"Well you wouldn't let me come right out and say it. You don't even realize you're related to half the school. So am I and so is Ron."

"Who else are we related to?"

"The Prewitts, Longbottoms, Greengrasses, Burkes, Flints, Notts, Macmillans, Bulstrodes, Abbotses, Travers-" Harry held up a hand to get Draco to stop.

"So I'm everybody's cousin?"

"Basically yeah."

"And your family actually got together with all of these families while you grew up?"

"Well not all of them. But I knew a lot of students before coming to Hogwarts. You were one of the odd ones nobody knew."

Harry gave him a playful shove as they finally made the steps leading up to the castle and were able to get out of the mud. In the Great Hall Harry sat down next to Ginny as Draco headed for Slytherin table. Ginny slid an envelope over to him.

"What's this?"

"Professor Snape asked me to give that to you."

"He did?"

She nodded and took a drink of pumpkin juice.

Harry carefully ripped open the top of the envelope and unfolded a note.

'I have asked Remus to be your second Godfather. He has agreed. It is typical in wizarding families for children to have two Godparents. Some even have more. It is now in my will, and as such, no one, not even the Headmaster or Wizengamot can dispute it.'

Harry looked up to the staff table, eyes searching for his father, but he wasn't there.

"What does it say?" Ginny asked.

"He made Remus my other godparent. He's my godfather now."

"Really?" Her eyebrows were so high up they disappeared into her bangs. He slid the letter back over to her to read.

"I would have liked to have been eavesdropping on that conversation. I thought they hated each other."

"I don't know," Harry said. He looked back at the staff table and this time found Remus looking at him. Remus smiled and gave a motionless wave, and Harry waved back.

"This has been a strange day," Harry commented, and when he had Ginny's attention, he said, "First I walked in on Ron and Hermione snogging in the dorms this morning when I went back up to our room to get a book I'd forgotten."

Ginny giggled and Harry's face turned red, remembering the awkwardness of the situation he'd walked in on.

"Then before dinner, Draco told me I was dating a relative."

"Ooh, how are we related? We're related to a lot of people you know."

"That's what Draco said. Fifth cousins twice removed or something like that. I don't even know what that means."

She smirked.

"And then I get a letter saying my dad has finally gone crazy and made nice with Remus long enough to make him my Godfather."

"Aren't you happy about that?" she asked.

"Of course I am, I-" There was a rumble in the distance and it echoed around the Great Hall, causing everyone to stop talking for a moment and listen.

"That wasn't thunder," Harry said. Ginny took his hand and he squeezed it tight. "It wasn't stomy at all out," he said. He looked to one of the tall windows on the wall. The sun hadn't started to set yet, so he was still able to see the clear skies.

There was another rumble, and students started murmuring as the Headmaster and several Professors stood up.

A first year a few seats away was just saying, "Maybe it's a troll in the dungeons. I heard one broke in once-" when Harry's father ran in from the doors to the Entrance Hall and shouted to the Headmaster, "We are under attack!"

A girl screamed from across the hall, and there were other sounds of fear, but another rumble, louder this time sounded and silenced them all. The silence only lasted the space of a few seconds however as the staff were scrambling from their seats and the Headmaster was barking out orders for the Prefects to get everybody below sixth year into the dungeons.

Still holding Ginny's hand Harry ran over to his father, who had now joined the rest of the staff. Draco came over too, and in the chaos of students scrambling, Harry spotted Ron's orange hair at the entrance to the Great Hall as he and Hermione tried to get past the students who were all running out.

Harry closed his eyes for a moment against the cacaphony of sound, and then opened his eyes and shouted over the noise, "It's him isn't it!" The serious lines of a frown were etched into his face.

"Yes," his father said equally as grimly.

The hall cleared of younger students and most of the Prefects, leaving the staff and the sixth and seventh years as another rumble was heard.

The Headmaster sounded grave as he started giving specific orders. "Minerva, Filius, take the sixth years. Stick to the plan. Aurora, Pomona, take the seventh years. Rolanda, gather your players."

"Sixth years with me!" McGonagall shouted as she hurried to the door to the staff room behind the Head table. Harry didn't move. He was still holding Ginny's hand tightly. She was supposed to have gone with the other students to the dungeons, but he wasn't sure why they were being divided like this.

"What's going on?" Harry asked, but Dumbledore was either ignoring him, or hadn't heard because he had hurried off with Professor Trelawney and several others. It was his father who answered him.

"We have been planning for an attack on the castle. Fifth years and below will be in the dungeons where it is safest, helping staff to reinforce the protective spells and enchantments on the castle. Minerva is taking sixth years to the rooftops to send hexes and curses down at any attacking Death Eaters. The seventh years will be stationed inside the Entrance Hall, Great Hall, and around the first floor to fight any Death Eaters who decide to come into the castle that way.

"What about us?" Harry asked, and his father, who looked ready to move off and take on whatever duty had previously been assigned to him, stared into his eyes looking torn. Remus was waiting for an answer as well it seemed.

"Tell me," Harry said.

"Go with Minerva."

"That's not what I'm supposed to do."  He had a prophecy to fulfill, he just wasn't sure how.  The Headmaster would know, but he had left.

"It is what I'm telling you to do." Unexpectedly then, his father pulled him into a tight and quick hug in front of his friends and then pushed him away towards the door to the staff room. Then he ran out into the Entrance Hall, Remus following close on his heels.

"You're not going with Professor McGonagall, are you?" Ron asked.

Harry hesitated. He was going to say no, that he was going to go out onto the grounds, but the hug from his father and the protective look in his eyes made him pause. Harry didn't know the plan. He didn't know what the staff were going to do. What if they were going to do something drastic and he ran out onto the grounds and ruined everything, or got killed?

"Let's go with Professor McGonagall," he said finally. Where he went, his friends would go... Ginny would go, and he didn't want to be responsible for their deaths or being in danger. He didn't want to be that guy.

"You're sure?" Ron asked.

"Come on." They ran to the door behind the staff table just as the floor and walls began to shake and the sound of a loud explosion could be heard nearby.

As soon as they got into the room, they realized that it was empty. McGonagall and the others had already moved on.

"The rooftops," Harry said.

"North and South tower and on top of the East Wing," Hermione recited, as though she had memorized every inch of the castle from Hogwarts a History. "The East roof is closest."

They ran out the door in the back of the staffroom, and Harry wasn't certain where it lead to until they found themselves going straight up a flight of narrow winding steps. It lead to a hatch in the ceiling similar to one in the North Tower, and they pushed it open, unprepared for what was going on above them. As soon as the hatch opened, a red spell sizzled by Harry's right ear and he dropped the hatch, letting it bang closed above him.

"What's going on?" Draco asked, voice tense.

"They're fighting up there. I could only see a couple of students and a lot of spells."

"Are we going up there or not?"

Harry steeled himself for the possibility that he was about to get hit with a spell, and threw the heavy trap door open, pushing against it with his shoulders and climbing out quickly. There were two death eaters fighting three sixth year Hufflepuffs. Professor Flitwick was lying on the rooftop, unmoving.

He dove out of the way of a spell and landed next to the Charms Professor. Harry stared down at him and was grateful that the tiny man's chest seemed to be slowly rising and falling. Perhaps he was only stunned. At a shout from Ron, Harry looked up and remembered that his friends were trying to get out of the hatch. He started firing curses at one of the Death Eaters just as one of the Hufflepuffs got hit in the hand with some sort of curse that was shrinking her fingers into little stubs. His friends piled out of the opening and began fighting. No sooner had they come out than more Death Eaters appeared, using brooms to fly up to the rooftop. The students spread out and every time a Death Eater went down, another one took his place.

After long minutes that seemed more like half an hour, Harry was at the edge of the roof, sweating and trying to hold off a Death Eater that looked like he might have just graduated a few years before. He looked down to the ground to the stone steps that lead to the Great Hall and was dismayed to find almost thirty Death Eaters trying to break the door down to the Entrance Hall.

"They're going to get in the front doors!" Harry yelled, and Ron and Draco made their way over, dispatching Death Eaters as they went. Draco already had a gash above his eye and from the looks of it had been wiping the blood out of his eyes with his sleeve. Some of his white blond hair was stained red.

"We're a little busy up here-" Ron shouted as he dove out of the way of a bright green jet of light. "-to be worrying about what's going on down there."

"He's right," Draco snapped out as a man with bright red hair dove at Draco in anger and Draco sidestepped him. The man went over the edge and landed on the people on the steps below.

"I have an idea," Harry said, looking over the edge.

"I know your ideas!" Draco told him. "This isn't going to be smart!"

"Lower me down with your wand, and when I'm just above them, drop me."

"Forget it!" He sent off a stunning charm and it hit home in the chest of a woman Harry thought he might have seen once on Diagonalley.

"Lower me down or I'm jumping!" Harry said angrily, and Draco met his eyes for a moment before nodding. Harry climbed to the parapet and then felt Draco levitating him. He let go and started to descend.

None of the Death Eaters below him even noticed because they were busy pouring all of their magic into some sort of shared blasting charm, trying to blast the door apart. Just when Harry was a few feet above their heads, he felt Draco release him from the levitation charm and he plumeted into the center of them, startling them and landing on several. The charm stopped for a moment and in the next moment, Harry was a large gray bear, snarling and biting at the people around him. He took a chunk of flesh out of a man's arm and spit it out before biting somebody's wand in half straight out of their hand. Someone sent a stunning spell at his back and it hit him and tingled but it didn't knock him out. He stood up on his hind legs, something he hadn't done yet, and was surprised at how tall he was. Those around him seemed to be surprised too. He swiped at them with his claws, creating deep gashes in whoever was close enough, and they scattered. Suddenly the doors opened from behind him and the force of a strong accio pulled him backwards and inside before the massive doors banged closed again.

Harry spun angrily to see what Death Eater had pulled him in, and realized that it was his father, Remus and Dumbledore. He transformed into himself again, surprising the fifteen or so seventh years that were there in the Entrance Hall. He was certain they were going to scold him for what he had done, but instead they set to work immediately warding the doors again. There was a blast from the other side of the door, and Harry knew that outside they had regrouped and were pooling their magic again. As he watched, he realized that the three professors were doing the same from the inside, and at this point it was a battle of willpower and magic alone. He sprinted back into the Great Hall to go back up to the roof.

Harry might have made it up there, but several of the tall windows broke and seven Death Eaters flew in on brooms.

Harry sent off a spell and ran at the nearest one. He leapt and transformed in mid air into his bear form again. As he almost took the hand off of that man, he heard a seventh year somewhere behind him shout, "It's ok, Harry's got it!" and he growled as he lunged for the next one. In that moment, he didn't feel like Harry though, as his claw came slashing down through the air and caught a wizard's cloak, ripping it clean off of him. The man shouted in surprise. No, not Harry. But who? James had an animagus name, and so did Sirius. Even Remus had one for his wolf form.

There were two wizards left to incapacitate and Harry turned on them. Their eyes were wide with fear and uncertainty. Harry opened his mouth and roared and together they bolted for the door to the Entrance Hall. Harry took chase and was pleased that he could run faster than them with his long strides.

Even the Headmaster looked away from the door that he was still pouring energy into as the two men ran screaming across the Entrance Hall, Harry in pursuit. He swiped at one's feet and he fell and Harry moved over him, saliva dripping from the edges of his mouth and onto the man's face.

"Please, please I have kids. They go to school here," the man pleaded. Harry was aware that four or five of the seventh years had just taken out the other wizard. There were tears in the man's eyes and Harry transformed above him, wand aimed at his chest.

"You should have thought of them when you joined Voldemort," he said angrily. He stunned him and bound him with ropes and chains, and then snapped the man's wand in half. The castle shook several more times and Harry was ready to run back to the rooftop to make sure his friends were ok, but the door shuddered ominously and he stared at it along with the others gathered there.

Remus walked over to Harry and put his hand on his shoulder as the door shuddered again.

"Let it down," Harry said.

"That would not be wise," Dumbledore said, but Harry walked to the center of the three men and faced the door.

"Let it down."

"No," Severus said, but Harry only looked at him, eyes hard. "You are not invincible."

"The prophecy-" said Dumbledore as the door shuddered more violently this time. They were breaking through the barrier spells.

"To hell with the prophecy," Harry said angrily. "Let it down!"

Remus shook his head and Severus looked like he was ready to bind Harry in chains and carry him to the dungeons, but then the Headmaster lowered his wand, and the barrier came down.

"I am the master of my own soul... my own fate," Harry said. He lifted his wand and spelled the doors to fly open, and then ran out in his bear form into the crowd of surprised death eaters. He heard the doors slam closed behind him again, but could hear that he hadn't come out alone. Remus and his father and the Headmaster were shouting off spells faster than he thought was possible as he used his head to push Death Eaters down and tear at their clothing and wands. A wand snapped under the weight of his foot and he snarled as several spells hit him in the back, making it feel as though his fur was on fire. He rolled to put any flames there might be out and in the process rolled over several people as he tumbled down the stairs, crushing them.

"Avada Kedavra!" rang out somewhere above him and he didn't recognize the voice. He hoped the killing curse hadn't hit anyone. He heard the spell again, and then again, and realized that the spell wasn't aimed at the men at the top of the stairs, but at him. And he did recognize the voice this time, it was Voldemort and as he looked he realized the man had killed several of his own men.

"You fools! The bear is Potter! Capture him! I want him alive!"

Not good. Not good. Not good. Harry snapped at several people as he got to his feet and ran for the green houses. It wasn't really shelter, but it was away from the mass of Death Eaters that were now chasing him. At least they're leaving the door to the Entrance Hall. He looked behind him to see if Dumbledore was going back inside, but he wasn't there. He couldn't see his father and Remus either, or any of his friends on the roof. Panic gripped him and he fell on his face in his human form. Shit. Just Harry. Now I'm just Harry. I can't fight them like this.

He got up and ran, allowing terror to fill him for the space of ten seconds as the group of angry wizards gained on him. As a boy he was short and had a shorter stride. As a boy he was weaker than those behind him. As just Harry he was nothing.

"You're not alone!"

What was that? Harry turned just as a spell sailed right at his face and caught his cheek, slicing it open as it went by. Draco was there and so was Hermione. How had they gotten out onto the grounds? They backed up to him, wands out as the group of Death Eaters surrounded them.

"We fall together," Draco said. "The fox and the ugly bear."

"And the owl," Hermione said. Harry gave her a sideways glance as he readjusted his stance.

"The owl?"

She gave him a nod. So she had done it. She had finally transformed. He wondered if Ron had too and why Hermione hadn't told him. Maybe it was because she'd often been heard to say, 'I am not an owl,' whenever Harry and Ron had asked her to pass notes in class or deliver a message for them.

"I'd rather not fall at all," Harry said, and threw off a curse at the ring of Death Eaters. Draco and Hermione did the same and somehow, knowing he wasn't out there on the grounds alone, made him feel more than just a child who couldn't run fast and wasn't strong. He ran at the ring of men and women firing hexes as he went, and was caught totally by surprise when one of them hit him in the chest with an outstretched fist, knocking him off his feet and sending him over backwards hard to the cold, muddy earth. Harry's last thought as he stared up at the sky was that the fist had to have been charmed, because it felt like it was solid metal. His chest ached, and he was positive his ribs were broken.

He heard Hermione scream somewhere behind him as he struggled to get air, and heard Draco curse, but there was too much discordant noise from the fighting around them to hear anything else.

Two men grabbed him roughly and hauled him to his feet. He wasn't sure where his wand was, but he didn't have it. One of them bound Harry with blue ropes and he wasn't sure why they were blue. His feet didn't seem to want to work properly so they dragged him across the grounds, not being careful to keep him upright, and dropping him in the mud several times.

People were still running past him and firing spells, but he didn't recognize any of them. They were all wearing dark robes and some of them had Death Eater masks. He didn't see any students or staff, just flashes of people running by, flying by on brooms, and explosions and jets of light. Occasionally a spell would hit the ground nearby and send mud exploding around them, but the men dragged him on, right to the center of the grounds.

As they dropped him into the center of another circle of Death Eaters onto his knees, Harry thought he'd seen Hagrids hut on fire out of the corner of his eye, and he wondered if Hagrid was all right.

There was a soft 'oomph' behind him and Harry turned to see Ron lying in the mud and struggling to sit up. His hands were bound behind his back. A Death Eater came up behind Harry and bound his hands behind his back in blue ropes before removing the ropes that had held his arms to his side.

"Ron," Harry said.

"Ginny got hit in the chest with a spell on the roof. She's ok. I think she's just passed out like Flitwick."

"They got Hermione and Draco," Harry said. "They were with me."

"Get off!" Hermione screamed then and Bellatrix Lestrange and a man with wild hair dropped her next to Ron.

"Hermione, are you ok?" Ron asked.

"Are you ok?" Bellatrix mocked in a high pitched voice as she walked off. A golden spell crackled in the air above them as it flew over their group and Harry wondered which side had fired it. He looked around at the group of Death Eaters surrounding them. Some of them looked excited, and others looked completely impassive, as if this was just another day on the job. Their sole role in this battle seemed to be to stand in this circle in this spot and guard whatever prisoners were dropped off as the battle raged on.

"How many of you have kids that go here?" Harry asked as there was a high scream somewhere in the distance. No one answered or even looked at him. "Kids like me, or younger? Kids who are inside fighting right now, and dying."

One of the women flinched and Harry knew he'd hit a nerve. "Eleven and twelve year olds," he continued, feeling saddened and inscensed at the same time by his own words. "Lying on the floor, dead. Your kids. My friends."

A man walked up to Harry and backhanded him across the face and then walked back to the circle.

"Cowards, all of you," Hermione said, and Harry hoped she wouldn't get hit too.

Harry felt helpless listening to the battle around him. He was on his knees and couldn't see anything beyond the circle of black cloaks. He tried to turn into a bear, but his wrists only burned when he tried. The blue rope must have been made to keep an animagus from transforming. He tried again but the rope seared against his skin.

"Harry stop," Hermione said from behind him. "Whatever you're doing is making the rope catch fire."

"I can't change Hermione," he said.

The circle parted in front of them, causing Harry to look up as they dragged Remus in and dropped him on the ground a few feet from Harry. They didn't even bother to tie him up as they left and the dark clad witches and wizards closed ranks again.

"Remus, no."

Remus coughed and weakly looked over at Harry.

"Harry." He tried to reach out for his Godson but was too weak to do so. There was blood starting to dry on one side of his face and neck and his shirt was ripped and covered in blood in several places.

"Severus- still fighting."

"I'm not worried about him right now," Harry lied.

"I'll be fine- cub."

Hermione let out a small sob behind him and Harry turned his head enough to see that Ron had moved closer to her so she could put her face against his shoulder. A wizard moved forward and kicked Ron hard on an injury he had on his leg before moving back to close the circle.

Harry looked up again at the woman who had flinched at the mention of children inside the castle. "You don't have to do this," Harry said directly to her. "You can still go inside and find your kids. Help them fight. Keep them alive." She looked away and wouldn't answer.

There were several explosions, and then silence, followed by a cheer that was echoed several times, and then silence again. The quietness was deafening after the multitude of discordant sounds that had been going on for the last forty five minutes. The sun was sinking lower in the sky though there was still a lot of light left. Harry's stomach grumbled and he was reminded then that he hadn't yet had dinner.

"How many of you are related to the Malfoys?" Harry asked, knowing none would answer. Pleading with them, and trying to get them to change their minds was all he could do at this point. Without his wand or ability to transform, he was helpless. "I know some of you are. I am too. Draco said we shared a great grandfather." A few of the witches and wizards looked surprised and Harry was satisfied to know that they were at least listening. "I'm Severus Snape's son." That didn't seem to surprise them, though he had hoped it would. He supposed, after what they had done to his father, they already knew (though he still didn't know what had happened exactly when his father had disappeared). "This is a stupid cause," Harry said, more to himself then. "Over pure blood... I'm not pure blooded."

"Voldemort isn't either."

The ranks parted and four large men pushed his father into the center of the clearing, where he fell next to Remus and then struggled to sit up on his knees because his hands were bound behind him as well. He didn't look injured in any way that Harry could see, just dirty, and tired, and angry. The four wizards pushed him down and then kicked him in the stomach, presumably for saying Voldemort's name, and then left and the circle closed.

"Where is Draco?" he asked.

"Do not worry about Draco Severus," came a cold voice, and finally the circle of Death Eaters took several large steps back in unison, suddenly expanding the circle as others came to join them. Voldemort came to stand in the center, directly in front of Harry. "Draco will be dealt with later by his family, for being feeble minded enough to be led astray." They all looked to see Draco standing in the ranks of the new larger circle, looking unhappy. He was holding his mother's hand, or rather his mother was holding his hand, and Harry took note that she and Luicius did not seem happy either. Lucius looked thin and worn, and Harry wondered how long ago they'd broken him out of Azkaban, and where Draco's mother had been all this time.

"We are Draco's family," Severus spat, looking straight into Voldemort's eyes.

"Severus, I'm surprised at you. I know we were harsh, but you had been lead astray also and needed to know that there were consequences. We are still your family."

"You are a dictator. This is a cult. Not a family."

"Cult, family, it makes no difference. You will be brought back into the ranks after you are more thoroughly taught a lesson." Voldemort turned away from him with an almost serene looking smile and smiled at his followers, ignoring Harry.

"We have triumphed my friends! Dumbledore is in hiding, we have retrieved our lost sons, and Harry Potter has been captured. We will soon overtake the rest of the castle and liberate our misguided children. We will soon be able to teach them the truth. We cannot fail!" The ring of people cheered and threw their fists up into the air, causing Voldemort to smile. Draco and his parents looked grim.

"We have but one final task before we overtake the castle," Voldemort said, turning to Harry and smiling. "We will see the boy hero fall. We will see him completely and utterly destroyed, so that you will know there is no greater wizard than I." Everyone watched Harry as Voldemort motioned with his hands and called out, "Devon. Where are you son?"

Devon came through the circle with a smile on his face and Harry paled. Devon had a jar of red powder in his hands and Harry's mouth started to water. No, no no. I've beaten this. I don't need it anymore. The cravings are gone.

But they weren't. His mouth watered and he tensed as the unwanted voice in the back of his mind said, 'it's over. Take it. You want it. I want it.'

"Harry," Severus said, but there was a grunt of pain and Harry knew someone had come up and hit his father or pushed him down. "You can beat it," came his father's rough voice somewhere to his left and there was another grunt of pain.

"What is that?" Ron asked behind him, but Voldemort was laughing and Devon was grinning, and Harry had his eyes shut tight.

"Harry knows what it is," Voldemort said, motioning Devon forward. Harry could hear the lid of the jar being unscrewed. "And he wants it, don't you Harry?"

"Go to hell," Harry spat, eyes opened again.

"There's no need for crass words. We are all wizards after all. We are civilized, are we not?"

"Bastard."

"You see," Voldemort said with a little laugh, motioning down to Harry, who was shaking with anger. He was trying to force the panic inside him down as people around him laughed. "The boy hero is not civilized. He is not strong. He is not a hero at all. He is nothing more than an addicted little boy."

Devon brought the open jar right up under Harry's nose and let him smell the Asphodel and then he put it next to Harry's lips as if inviting Harry to stick his tongue into the jar.

"Harry?" Hermione sounded worried and uncertain behind him. He'd never told his friends about the dirt. He'd hidden it from them, and now everyone would know. They would know he was weak. They would know they were all doomed.

"Why are you doing this?" Harry asked Devon.

"You got me kicked out of school," he whispered so only Harry could hear. "My wand was snapped. When you take this, I'll have beaten you, and your wand will be mine. I'll be unstoppable."

"You think Voldemort will let you be unstoppable?"

"I think, I can't wait to see you die," Devon said and he stuck his fingers into the dirt and lifted some out. Harry turned his head sideways to get away from it and Devon laughed. "You're just a commonner Potter. Even your name is common. There's nothing special about you at all, and I'm better than you in every way."

Devon moved his fingers towards Harry's lips again but there was a gasp from several people and he stopped, wondering what was going on. A large black dog sailed over the shoulders of two shorter Death Eaters and landed in the circle, before bounding once and tackling Devon, sending him and the canister of Asphodel flying. Sirius transformed on top of Devon, pinning him down, and said in an angry voice, "Not my Godson. Not this time." There was another gasp and Voldemort screamed out something that Harry couldn't make out. His heart was hammering in his chest. Sirius had come for him. Just for him. Just to save him from the dirt. From himself.

Wands were drawn and spells were being fired at Sirius but he bounded off of Devon and scrambled to get behind Harry to untie the ropes. "My Godson is his own master," Sirius said in Harry's ear, and then Harry was free. A spell hit Sirius square in the chest at that moment, ripping his chest open and he fell backwards into Ron and Hermione who were on their knees and still bound. Harry thought that would have been the end of the chaos, that they would tackle him and tie him up again, but his father had kicked out the legs of someone standing near him and Draco had grabbed his mother's wand and cursed Bellatrix Lestrange right in the face. Her eyes disappeared behind a layer of skin and she screamed and scratched at her face because she couldn't see. Harry only caught a glimpse of all of this because it happend so fast. Death Eaters were scrambling and Voldemort shouted an expletive before he vanished with a pop. They must have somehow taken down the apparation wards before they attacked.

Harry scrambled for his friends and hurried to untie Ron before falling over the redhead to get to his father as Ron untied Hermione. His father promptly got into a fist fight with the wizard he had tripped and hit him hard in the face several times before reaching into the man's robes and withdrawing a handful of wands.

"Harry," he said and tossed Harry his wand. Severus took his own, dropped the others, and stood up throwing hexes as he went. Ron and Hermione scrambled for their wands, and Harry turned to see that Sirius was still lying there on the ground, eyes closed, blood pouring out of his chest. Harry was afraid to go to him. He was afraid to touch him and feel cold skin. He was afraid because he knew he could do absolutely nothing to save him.

"Go to him," Remus rasped. Harry had almost forgotten that he was laying there injured as well. He obviously wasn't able to make it to Sirius on his own or he would go to him. Harry stood and moved to Sirius, feeling like everything had slowed down around him. Ron and Hermione were running from the Death Eater that had hit Harry in the chest and knocked him backwards, Draco was far away and falling in slow motion as Lucius pulled him to the ground and out of the way of an unforgivable, and Severus was hitting Devon in the face repeatedly while the disgraced Ravenclaw pulled at the Potion Master's long hair. And Sirius lied still through it all.

Harry got to his knees beside him, and picked up his hand. It wasn't cold. "Sirius?" His voice was quiet; uncertain. Sirius opened his eyes and smiled, but Harry didn't know how considdering that his chest was open and Harry could see his ribs, and so much blood.

"Hey kid. You're gonna be ok." Sirius said quietly. He lifted his other hand and brought it to Harry's face, running his thumb over his cheek.

"Don't go," Harry said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the things I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Sirius said. He closed his eyes and Harry panicked and squeezed his hand tighter, making him open them again.

"I did. I wasn't fair, I-"

"Do your best Harry. That's all that matters. Remus taught me that. I'm already proud of you no matter what happens. I love you- like a son. And I'm sorry I've been a sorry excuse for a Godfather." He sucked in a deep breath like the pain had finally gotten to him and Harry pulled out his wand and aimed it at Sirius' chest to do the only healing spell he knew, but Sirius reached up and took his wand hand.

"No. This is goodbye. I'm going to go see your mom and dad so they can give me a piece of their minds. So I can have peace of mind, finally."

"No. I haven't given you a full piece of mine yet."

Sirius smiled. "I'm sorry Harry." The hand Harry was holding went lax and Sirius didn't open his eyes again.

"Sirius?" Harry's voice was so low it was almost gone. "SIRIUS!" He didn't stir and Harry set his Godfather's hand down gently on his chest. "Goodbye," he whispered. He didn't even get to say it so that Sirius would hear it.

Harry turned to see if his other Godfather was still alive. The Godfather he'd had for less than an hour.

"Remus?"

"He's gone, isn't he?"

Harry nodded and Remus said, "Leave me here with him. I'll be fine."

"I can't lose you both in one day."

"I'm not going anywhere Harry. Do what you have to."

Harry was going to protest but a spell exploded in the mud next to them then and sent Harry flying along with the rocks and dirt. He landed with a deaddened thud. Through the smoke of the explosion Harry could see Remus stirring and thought that he didn't look any worse than he had before.

The explosion, the screams and cries of pain and anger, and the pain of being catapulted ten feet through the air was a rude way to be brought back to the reality that there was fighting going on all around them. Harry picked himself up and looked around. There was total chaos on the grounds. Surely Voldemort wouldn't be on the grounds in this. Hadn't he only appeared after things had settled the last time? He'd be somewhere where he could observe, like a coward. Harry looked towards the castle and then up to the tallest towers. There was a lone figure silhouetted against the setting sun at the top of the North Tower.

"Bastard," Harry said to himself. Sirius was dead because of him. His parents were dead. His father had almost died. Remus was possibly dying now because of the monster's sick and twisted ideas and lust for power and control. Harry was sick and tired of losing people to this war. He was tired of encountering the man again and again.

Feeling like he had nothing left to lose, and like he was too tired to care anymore for his own safety, Harry took off towards the North tower at a sprint, and then a run. He would never make it to the top, not through the castle anyway. There were likely Death Eaters scattered throughout and making war inside. He didn't have a broom either, but he had to get to the top. Harry leapt into the air to jump over two wizards struggling in the mud, wands forgotten, and put out his arms to steady himself. The wind against his face made him think of how it felt to fly on his broom, and Harry closed his eyes, waiting for the crash as he fell to the ground. The only thing was, he didn't fall. He didn't crash. Wind was whipping through his hair and he opened his eyes, both surprised and pleased to find himself soaring through the air. Flying was freedom. Flying was life. And he was about to take back both his freedom and life. Harry didn't know what kind of bird he was or how he had transformed, and he didn't care. He had a task to complete.

He moved his wings in fierce up and down motions and rose higher, and below heard his friends shouting and whooping from two different directions. Ron was at the castle steps and Draco was leaping up and down, fist in the air. They were cheering him on. Harry let the feeling wash over him as the wind washed through his wings, and then turned and locked eyes on the silhouette at the top of the tower. Voldemort was watching him, and had his wand out. He sent the killing curse at Harry, who veered away at the last second and then around the side of the tower. Voldemort ran to the other side to look out over the parapets but Harry wasn't there. He'd circled back and came around the front again, now behind the twisted man. Voldemort turned and cursed as Harry's large talons gripped his hand, ripping at the flesh. He dropped his wand and Harry swooped down and grabbed it, dropping it over the side of the tower. He landed in a rather unceremonious fashion as himself on the center of the roof. Voldemort was gripping his bleeding hand.

"IDIOT BOY! Do you really think you can defeat me just by taking my wand? Your magic will never be as strong as mine!" His eyes betrayed him though, becuase he gave Harry an uncertain look. Yes, Harry thought, I'm a bear, and I'm this. Two things, and I surprised you.

Voldemort lifted his hand and a ball of fire appeared. He tossed it back and forth between his hands, the heat not affecting him. He was trying to show that he didn't need a wand to do Harry damage, and Harry laughed. The man shot him a glare and threw the ball of fire at him, causing Harry to drop his wand. The wand rolled away to the edge of the roof where it stayed against the parapet.

"I don't need magic," Harry said, "all I need is teeth."

"A silly little eagle has no teeth boy." Voldemort smirked. An Eagle? So that's why Ron and Draco had cheered so hard. Harry thought he might have been a big bird, but an eagle?

Voldemort laughed. Maybe because Harry had been thinking and hadn't responded. Harry only gave him a sly smile though, and the man stopped laughing suddenly, because Harry had dropped to all fours and had transformed again, growing to several times his size. He noted that the fur on his paws looked different, no longer white and gray, but dark brown. It felt bristly and different than normal. He snarled and looked up, locking eyes with Voldemort, whose eyes were wide in surprise.

"That's not possible," he said. "You're not strong enough to be an anamorphmagus."

"I'm strong enough to rip you to pieces," Harry said, and he was surprised when it came out as a growl and as words. Or maybe he had imagined that it had, but Voldemort seemed to understand, because as Harry advanced, Voldemort backed up until he was at the ramparts. He threw another ball of fire at Harry from his hands and it hit him in the back, but Harry didn't care. He felt the pain but it seemed unimportant.

"You take everything I love," Harry said. "You chew it up and spit it out. So that's what I'm going to do to you."

"I CANNOT BE KILLED!" Voldemort yelled angrily, but Harry could smell the fear and hear it in his voice.

"You can be eaten," Harry roared and he lunged for Voldemort, who seemed to forget that he was already at the edge of the ramparts, and fell over them backwards in a last bid effort to escape Harry's overly large teeth. He disappeared from sight and Harry went to the edge still in his bear form and looked down at the ground. The evil demon's broken body lay there in a heap at the bottom. Harry transformed back into himself and stared over the side.

Voldemort was unmoving. He didn't stir, like Sirius. Like Cedric. Like Harry's parents. Harry laughed hollowly. Not because he was happy in any sense of the word, but because there was irony in this man's death. For all his supposed power and followers, none of them even realized or seemed to care that he had fallen, that he had died. But simple people, like Sirius, and Cedric, and Lily and James. They died and the earth seemed to stand still for those that loved them, and knew them. Harry went to edge of the roof and picked up his wand, and then went to the trap door and opened it. It was over, and it was time to collect Sirius' body, and make sure Remus and his father and friends were ok, and move on.

There were bodies in the corridors throughout the castle, but Harry was grateful that so far he hadn't seen any students. His trip to the Entrance Hall was uneventful aside from running into Professor McGonagall who looked harried.

"Ok Potter?" she asked, stopping quickly to check in with him.

"Ok," he said. "Voldemort is dead."

"He- he is?"

Harry nodded and moved past her and out the front doors. So was Sirius. He didn't feel much like spreading the news about Voldemort. That would make people happy, and he didn't feel like being happy. What was there to be happy about? Chunks of the castle interior had crumbled, the grounds were littered with smouldering, muddy craters, and there were bodies everywhere. And Harry was back down to one Godfather.

"Harry!" Draco jogged up to him and then met his stride as Harry headed back across the grounds towards Sirius' body.

"He dead? I saw him fall."

Harry nodded.

"What happened to the ugly bear?" Draco was referring to his preformance as an eagle.

Harry thought about it. What had happened to the ugly bear? The ugly bear had taken out Death Eaters outside the castle's front door, but had not made an appearance after that. "He's not here anymore," he said. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like the pizzly wasn't comming back.

"Who was up there with Voldemort then... after the eagle?" Draco seemed genuinely curious. Had he heard Harry roar from down below over all the noise?

Harry looked at him, eyes cold and tired and making him look a hundred years older than he really was. "The grizzly."

"The pissed off grizzly," Draco said with a snort. "Remind me never to make you mad."

He let Harry continue on past him to Ron and Hermione who looked ok. Ginny was with them. She looked pale and shaken but otherwise fine. Ron had his arm around Hermione's shoulder and Harry stopped in front of Ginny and put his hand gently against a small scratch on her cheek. He looked her in the eyes for a long moment and then kept walking. His father was kneeling next to Remus who was holding the gash in his side. He knelt down next to them.

"He'll live," Severus said, sounding stressed and cranky and not even letting Harry ask the question. He was sending healing spells at the gash and gave a quick glance at Harry to see that he was ok and then went back to Remus. When Harry didn't say anything, Severus said, "You've been practicing other transformations."

"No," he said honestly, and Severus gave him a doubtful look. Remus laughed and coughed at the same time and they both looked down at him.

"You two," he said, grimacing. "Harry tries to eat Voldemort and you two are going to fight over it."

Severus sent another healing spell at Remus which made him wince.

"The hybrid bear doesn't live here anymore," Harry said quietly, causing his father and Remus to look at him again. "The eagle and the grizzly do." He got up and went to Sirius' body a few yards away. He had a feeling they weren't the only one's watching him as he stood over him. Sirius was a big man, bigger than Harry could carry, but he wasn't going to let his Godfather lay there in the mud and snow like he was worthless. Harry knelt down and struggled to get his arms underneath him, and then struggled to stand. He couldn't get Sirius off the ground, but he continued to labor to do so. After long moments someone appeared on the other side of Sirius and put their arms under him. Harry looked up. It was Draco.

"You don't have to do this," Harry said. "He's my Godfather."

"He's my second cousin, and he's important to you." They locked eyes and then Harry nodded and they lifted him together though it was still difficult. Harry tried not to look at Sirius' lifeless face. He hadn't thought about his Godfather's smile in a long time, but he remembered it now, and his barking laugh. Ron came up to them then and lightened the load by taking Sirius shoulders, and then Hermione and Ginny were there too, taking his feet.

"We'll help," Hermione said gently, and he gave each of his friends a look of grattitude.

"Take him down to the lake."

As they awkwardly made their way across the charred and sprawling lawns, students and staff came out of the castle to watch.

"Where are they taking him Albus?" Minerva asked.

"To bury him."

"There's time for that... for a proper funeral."

"No," Albus said sadly, "Harry needs to bury him today-" he stopped short as a loud argument broke out across the lawns between Severus and Remus.

"Let me go down there!" Remus said angrily, trying to stand as Severus tried to hold him down.

"You can't walk! You've lost too much blood!"

"Then carry me!"

Albus made it to them in the middle of their tense stare off.

"I've got to be there," Remus said, pleading. "To see him in the ground." And in his eyes Severus could see that it was a real need. The last of the man's childhood friends.

"Stubborn fool," Severus said as he got up and lifted Remus under one arm. Albus supported him on the other side and together they dragged Remus to the treeline at the edge of the lake, his legs useless because he was too weak to use them. When they got to the edge of the lake, they found Harry and the others with shovels (probably transfigured by Hermione), digging a rectangular hole.

"Let me down," Remus said weakly, and they lowered him to his knees next to the shallow grave. He used shaky hands to scoop loose dirt away from it.

"This can be done with magic," Severus remarked quietly to Albus as they stood back and watched.

"Not if they're going to move past it... him," Albus said. He conjured a shovel and went to the grave too but didn't dig with any vigor as the teens or overly weak Remus were doing. Severus crossed his arms. This was ridiculous. There wasn't even a coffin. There were others dead, scattered across the grounds and possibly even up in the castle. There was no reason to bury any of them now. They would probably have several days filled with funerals in the coming weeks. Even as he thought it, he shuddered though. How many of his students were gone?

The hole was dug surprisingly fast and Albus conjured a simple wooden coffin straight into the hole. It was nothing special, just a pine box. Harry and Draco and Ron lifted Sirius' limp body and lowered him gently into it and then stood and stared at it. Remus had tears in his eyes, and so did Ginny and Hermione, but Harry seemed almost... impassive.

"Goodbye," Harry said softly, and Albus sealed the lid over it. The others stood back as Harry started to shovel dirt onto the box and Remus pushed small ammounts in with his hands. When it was done, Harry planted his shovel firmly into the dirt, and then knelt to lift Remus.

He said something quietly into the man's ear, but Severus was too far away to hear. The others started to walk away and he went to help Harry lift Remus up, who still had silent tears trailing down his cheeks.

"I'll take him," Severus said, and Harry stepped back. Severus cast a charm at the man to make him lighter and then moved off at a slow pace with him, Dumbledore already ahead of them with the rest of the group.

Harry stayed behind and Severus felt like he needed a moment to himself at the gravesite as the last traces of light disappeared over the mountains on the other side of the lake. He wanted to ask Remus what Harry had said to him in any case and wanted privacy to do so.

"What did he say?"

"What?" He tried to lift an arm to wipe his eyes but he wasn't able.

"My son... what did he say to you when he helped you up?"

Remus was silent as he stumbled and tried to get his legs moving again. "He said, 'Sirius loved us, and we loved him, and that's all that matters.'"

Severus didn't respond, and after about ten more steps, Remus finally collapsed and passed out as Severus had said he would. He levitated him and looked back into the trees behind him, but could no longer see Harry as they were exiting onto main grounds again. He would have to find Harry after he took Remus to Poppy.

Luckily Severus didn't have to take him all the way up through the castle, because a makeshift infirmary had been set up in the Great Hall.

"Lay him there Severus, on the table. Then you can take a seat next to him so I can check your core reserves and take care of your injuries," Poppy said, busy at another table over a student who had a broken arm.

"Do you need my help?" he asked.

"Minerva and Pomona and Sibyll are helping. Sibyll is a surprisingly competent healer when she's sober."

"I will be back later then. Do not let Lupin leave. He stubbornly believes he has superpowers and can go without healing."

She snorted despite how stressed she looked and shot Severus a bemused look. "It sounds like two other men I know." He narrowed his eyes at her but didn't respond and instead went back into the Entrance Hall.

Draco was rushing past him and he caught Draco by the arm to stop him. He looked... guilty of something. "Have you seen Harry?"

"No?"

"The truth."

"That was the truth!" Draco insisted, and he hurried down the Dungeon stairwell towards Slytherin. Severus frowned, looking around at the dozens of scared students. After sending two injured Hufflepuffs towards the Great Hall, he made for the front door again, but not before the two Weasley children ran past with a bundle of something wrapped up in a coat and out the front doors. Draco came sprinting past a moment later after them, something in his arms as well, and Severus had a feeling this odd behavior had something to do with Harry.

He followed at a quick pace, but his ankle was sprained and he found it difficult to keep up. By the time he was at the bottom of the stone steps leading away from the castle, the three teens were already making their way down the dirt drive towards Hogsmeade. He squinted, and in the distance he thought he could just make out the form of a beast... a grizzly bear, dragging a body. What the hell were they up to?

Severus lost sight of them by the time he'd made it to the edge of the school grounds but had a feeling they were headed towards Hogsmead, and turned to follow them. There was a trail where something had been dragged through the snow and mud and he followed it all the way up to the decrepit Shrieking Shack. The door stood open and he could hear voices and crackling inside.

"What- what are you doing?" he asked, out of breath when he made it inside and into the living room. There was a huge fire that looked like it was about to engulf the entire room at any moment, and there were Tri W fireworks in the center of it next to Voldemort's lifeless and broken body.

"He said he couldn't die," Harry said, staring into the flames. "We're making sure he does. I don't want him coming back."

"So you decided to burn a house down around him?"

They didn't answer because one of the fireworks exploded then, spreading the fire up to the ceiling. They stared at the body for long moments, and Severus half expected it to move, or for Voldemort to scream out in agony, but there was none of that. Another firework went off and Severus motioned for the teens to clear out. They went back out the front door and a safe distance away down the hill, and watched as the three story shack was fully engulfed in flames, lighting up the darkness and the entire hill.

"You said you hadn't seen Harry," Severus commented to Draco, pulling his eyes away from the blaze to look at the blond for only a moment. The reflection of the flames was dancing in Draco's eyes, and he seemed to be in a trance like the others.

Finally he answered, "I didn't see Harry. All I saw was a big strong bear."

People from Hogsmead came up the hill to see why the Shrieking Shack was on fire, and Severus told them they were burning the body of Voldemort. At first there were looks of fear, but then awe and finally celebration. The people of Hogsmead had heard the battle and the ones that hadn't gone to help had hidden, only coming out when they heard the crackle of a fire, fearing the entire town was burning.

The house was almost fully burnt to the ground ten minutes after Severus had arrived, and he was about to usher the teens back to the castle when there was one, long, tortured shriek from the center of the flames. Everyone stared until Harry startled Madam Rosmerta and Aberforth Dumbledore by transforming into his grizzly form. Harry gave a mightily loud roar, and the shriek from inside the flames ceased. Everyone watched him, but he stayed in his bear form.

"Harry Potter is a bear?" Rosmerta asked.

Severus snorted and said, "Among other things." She gave Harry's furry back a look of awe. After the shriek, Severus knew there was no way he would get his charges back to the castle, so he stood with them and watched until the house was nothing more than a pile of ashes and the flames had dissapated. Harry moved forward first, back in his human form and with his wand out. He walked over the still hot embers like they were of no consequence to him, to the center of the house and used his wand to move charred beams away.

"Well?" Ron called.

"Bones," Harry said. "Dead, charred, ugly bones." He stared at the bones for a moment and kicked them with his shoe and then turned around and walked back to his friends. "Now we can go."

Severus watched as they retreated down the hillside with the ten or so people that had come from Hogsmead, and then stared back at the ashes. Voldemort had claimed to Harry that he couldn't die. Had in fact come back to life somehow after his spell had rebounded on Harry as a baby. Had fallen from the North Tower and appeared to be dead, yet still could shriek from the midst of burning flames. They might be satisfied that he was dead, but Severus wasn't. He conjured a metal box and went out into the ruins of the house, and then used his wand to call any and all remains of the man into the box. The bones crumbled as they went in. He closed the lid and sealed it with several locking spells. He would take it to Dumbledore and let him figure out what to do with it. And then he was going to go to bed and sleep for a week.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.'

Parts of Invictus by William Ernest Henley

-------------------------------------------------------

Harry would always remember Sirius the way he was the day he died. Strong, fearless, and proud. Proud of him. Proud of me. The thoughts about what Sirius had done were no longer circling in his mind. Harry knew what Sirius had done to him, but he also knew what Sirius had done for him. One didn't excuse the other, but Harry felt like Sirius had redeemed himself, and Harry would remember him as the man that loved him enough to come for him at the Ministry. As the man that came to keep Voldemort from dragging him back down into the depths. As a man who cared about what happened to him, and who did his best upon realizing he had made mistakes and failed. Harry wouldn't remember him as a man that had fallen, but as a man who had done his best to climb back out of the pit he'd unfairly found himself thrown into. Harry would remember him that way, because all you could do was your best. It was what Remus had taught him. It was what Remus had taught the both of them.

Harry stood over the grave of Sirius on the edge of the lake, hands in his pockets. It was cold out and he didn't have his gloves. It had frozen overnight, turning the large mud impressions and craters into ice and ensuring they stayed that way for some time. Good, Harry thought to himself. Maybe the grounds should stay marred. People should never forget what happened here.

"I don't know why you did it," Harry said quietly, looking at the dirt they had piled on the grave yesterday. "But you showed me the real you yesterday. You changed. I'm glad that's possible." He sincerely hoped it was possible, because he was craving the dirt again, and he hated himself for it. He hated Devon and he hated the dirt, and he hated himself. He sighed. If Sirius could change... find some redemption, then maybe there was some hope for him yet.

"I wish you didn't have to say goodbye so soon after you said hello again. I'm sorry I wrote all those terrible letters to you. My dad was right. I was being unfair."

Sirius was dead. He couldn't answer back. But Harry still talked to him like he was there, alive and listening.

"I hope you found your peace."

Harry turned to walk back up through the trees to the castle. Maybe Sirius had to say goodbye to find his peace. Maybe he had to say goodbye to find his redemption. Maybe goodbye was a second chance. It must have been, because Harry saw his Godfather like he did before. Before the summer and before the dirt. He was just Sirius. He was the man Harry would miss. Harry wasn't the only one who would miss him, he reminded himself. Somewhere up in the castle was Remus, and Harry wondered how he was doing. His father had taken him to the makeshift Hospital Ward in the Great Hall and left him there. After they had burned Voldemort's body Harry hadn't bothered to check in on him or anyoen else. He had gone straight up to Gryffindor tower and fallen into his bed and gone to sleep.

Now it was the morning and he hadn't been feeling up to dealing with other people. He didn't want to talk about Voldemort's demise, or about Sirius, or anyone else who had died. He actually didn't know if anyone else had died aside from Death Eaters. It saddened him then to think that there might be friends that he didn't even realize were gone. How had Luna fared? And Neville? Dean and Seamus? Cho? What about Draco's friend Teddy Knott?

Harry avoided the frozen craters in the ground as he crunched across the ice and frost back up to the castle. At some point in the night someone had come and removed the bodies. He wondered if it had been the teachers or the Ministry. He was sure there had to be aurors around here somewhere, searching for any lingering Death Eaters. At the top of the steps Harry opened the door and was surprised when the very people he was thinking about were in the Entrance Hall. Ten or more Aurors were talking or checking chains on prisoners wrists. There had to be at least twenty Death Eaters sitting in a line against the wall next to the stairs leading to the first floor. The captured witches and wizards looked tired. Maybe they hadn't been given a chance to sleep yet.

Harry hoped to get away without being noticed, but the woman who he'd been speaking to in the circle the night before caught his eye. She looked sad as she watched him cross the hall and he stopped and stared at her. He didn't know why, but he felt compelled to go to her. The man who he'd tackled as a bear the night before and snapped his wand was sitting next to her.

"You're married aren't you?" Harry said in realization. They were the only two Death Eaters he'd seen who seemed to be concerned for their children's safety. The man looked away, ashamed, and the woman stared at Harry.

"He took our children," she said. "He locked them up. He said we could only have them back if we fought."

"Your husband said your children go to school here."

"Two of them do," she said. "In Hufflepuff. The other two are eight and nine. We don't even know where he put them."

"Hey! Get away from them!" an auror shouted as he strode across the hall, and Harry stood up from where he'd been crouching in front of them. When he turned around, the auror stopped short. "Oh... Mr. Potter."

"What are you going to do with all of them?" he asked. Some of them looked injured, and he recognized his large bear scratches across several of them.

"They're going to be taken to the Ministry and interrogated under Veritaserum."

"And what if some of them were bewitched?" Harry asked. He didn't know if he believed what the woman had told him, but he didn't want anyone innocent to go prison either. He knew what it was like to be an orphan, and he hated to think more kids would be after last night's battle.

"The Veritaserum will show us the truth."

Harry spied Draco leaning against the entrance to the Dungeons and left the auror to go to his friend. Draco looked like he'd showered. Harry had only had a quick one this morning to get some of the grime off of his body, but he still felt dirty.

"Hey," Harry said, standing with him in the archway and watching as two aurors made a particularly crazy looking Death Eater stand as they put extra chains on him.

"Hey." Draco seemed meloncholly.

"What happened last night? With your parents?"

"My mother showed up and tried to drag me off the grounds... away from the fight. Then my father showed up and tried to help her. Only a group of Death Eaters caught them and dragged all three of us to the circle."

"How did your dad get out of Azkaban?"

"Mother broke him out. That's where she was. Away plotting and gathering people to help her break him out."

Harry followed Draco's gaze across the Entrance Hall. His parents were sitting on the floor at the far end, backs against the wall and chained like the others.

"Did they fight at all?"

"I don't think they have a side anymore," Draco said. "They were only concerned with getting me out of danger and away from Voldemort. Father got hit three times with hexes pushing me out of the way. His arm caught fire... no one's even looked at it yet."

"You think they've changed?" Harry asked.

"They're tired. We're all tired of fighting."

Draco sounded so certain. He looked certain. Sirius had changed. He'd done the best he could. Maybe that's what Draco's parents were trying to do. He strode forward away from Draco and up to the person that looked like the auror in charge.

"Excuse me."

The auror turned around and gave Harry a hard look, eyes traveling from the stubble on his chin, up to his scar under the fringe of his messy hair, and then back down to his eyes.

"Make it quick. I don't have time to talk to children right now."

"You're holding two of my invited guests."

"Excuse me?" The auror let his mouth hang slack for a moment and dropped the clipboard he'd been holding. It looked like it had a long list of names. Some had red lines through them, and some had a check mark next to them.

"Two of my family members. They were here because I invited them. You've got them chained up."

"I don't see the name Potter on my list kid."

"Lucius and Narsissa Malfoy."

The man snorted. "Those two? She broke him out of Azkaban four nights ago. Give me a break. They're Death Eaters through and through."

"They used to be," Harry said. "Now they're not. They spent the night protecting my cousin and sending curses at Death Eaters."

The cranky man stared into Harry's eyes. "You think we owe you something. Is that what this is? You think because you're famous that you get to march in here and call the shots?"

"I don't think anything," Harry said, "aside from that you're holding my family hostage and I'd like them back."

"You've been confounded. Their kid placed a charm on you. I can see him over there watching, slack jawed, wondering if this will work."

Harry gave Draco a look, and sure enough he seemed floored by what Harry was doing.

"This summer my cousin Draco Malfoy was the only one that kept me going. I wouldn't have been there last night to toss Voldemort off the roof or burn his body if it hadn't been for Draco. So you might try to understand that I'm thankful to his parents for coming and saving his life."

"He's not your cousin. You're Harry Potter. The Potters aren't related to the Malfoys."

"I'm Harry Potter, son of Severus Snape and Lily Potter. Severus Snape who is a direct relative of the Malfoys. Severus Snape who is standing in that doorway over there giving you the glare of death." Harry pointed to the doorway to the Great Hall and the auror looked. Severus was there with his arms crossed, watching the exchange with a mixture between a frown and an impassive look. Harry hoped he put on a scowl just for the auror to prove what Harry had said.

"Snape's son eh?"

Harry let his arm fall.

"Everybody thinks they can tell us what to do," the man muttered. "Kinglsey! Come here! Take the Malfoys to a room and hurry them through interrogation. I want them released five minutes ago!" He seemed angry as he stormed off, still muttering to himself. Draco's parents looked shocked as Kingsley and another auror came to help them to their feet and to a room somewhere down the Hufflepuff hallway.

Harry tried to go up the stairs back to Gryffindor, but his father strode over to him and took his arm. "Not so fast. I've been given strict orders to wrangle you for Poppy."

"I'm fine."

"You think it wise to release the Malfoys? Isn't it a little early to be calling in favors?"

"For a friend? Never." Harry smiled as his father lead him by the arm into the Great Hall. Cots had been summoned and students and staff were recovering in them. The windows had been repaired but they looked like they could still use some spiffing up.

"Be cautious," Severus warned him, leaning in so only Harry could hear. "Draco is biased. They are his parents. He may not even realize he is being foolish."

"I learned one thing this year," Harry said as he was lead across the hall and made to sit at Ravenclaw table.

"Just the one?"

"People change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad."

"You think that because Black came to the fight that he should be forgiven?"

"I think I've forgiven other people in my life for serious offenses when they showed they wanted to be different," he said, giving his father a meaningful look, and Severus closed his mouth.

Madam Pomfrey came over and tsked and tutted for nearly ten minutes at the state of Harry's back. He'd been burned the night before in his bear form, and had several deep gashes on his face and arms that had only closed because his magic had made them do so temporarily. He had a broken rib too.

"You're going to stay for at least a few hours," she said. "Heavens. Imagine if Severus hadn't brought you in. I would have had to search the entire school for you."

"He was hurt, how come he doesn't have to stay?"

"After I hunted him down in his quarters this morning I put a spell on him confining him to the Great Hall and Entrance Hall, and he only got that leeway so that he could snag you and bring you in here."

Harry looked up and gave his father a concerned look. "Are you ok?"

"She is a mother hen. I am fine."

"Sprained ankle, sprained wrist, cuts and contusions, and your core dropped back down to ninety again. That's not normal Severus. You shouldn't have been in that fight at all so soon after your last ordeal."

She waved her wand over Harry then and said, "See? His core is still at 100. That's normal."

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose and went to lay down in an empty cot a few minutes later while the Potion's Master and medi-witch continued to argue. Apparently his father was fairly angry that she'd cast a confinement spell on him, as he had better things to be doing than sitting around all day 'recuperating'. Harry wasn't going to complain about getting a day to rest though. He was still tired.

"Harry, in here," McGonagall said, waving him over to the staff room behind the Head table.

"I trust you won't go to the roof and escape?" she said, giving him a knowing smile.

"Promise," he said as she opened the door and let him in. Remus was inside along with Professor's Flitwick and Madam Hooch. Their cots were spaced out around the lounge and there was a fire going in the grate. They were all sleeping.

"Take that cot Harry. Next to Remus."

"Er..." he frowned. He was the only student in here. "I get to stay with the staff?"

"Oh, I think we can make an exception just this once. And if Severus stops arguing with Poppy I'll send him in too."

"Thanks," Harry said, scratching the back of his neck. She left and closed the door, but he didn't sit down on the cot. Instead he went to a comfy looking red chair next to Remus' cot. Harry wanted to talk to his Godfather, but didn't want to wake him up, so he put his head on his arms on the side of the chair, pulled his legs up underneath himself, and closed his eyes. He thought he rather deserved a nap.

Madam Pomfrey realized almost half an hour after Harry had fallen asleep that he'd wandered away without being healed and broke away from her argument with Severus to find him. He didn't protest when she woke him to go lay in the cot, and he tried his hardest to sleep through her poking him with her wand to heal his ribs and putting burn salve on his back. Eventually she left him alone and let him get back into a real doze.

It was dinnertime when he woke. The other occupants of the room were still sleeping, and Harry was surprised to find his father on a cot only a foot away from his. Madam Pomfrey wasn't around, so he stood up quietly and went back into the Great Hall. Some of the people in cots were sitting and eating, and Harry wondered where the rest of the school was for dinner since the Great Hall was occupied.

"Are you hungry?" Professor McGonagall asked.

Harry's stomach grumbled in response loudly enough for her to hear, and she smiled. "I'll get you something."

"Where is everybody else?"

"They're eating in the Entrance Hall and in the Kitchen and Hufflepuff corridor. The House elves are having a fit over it because they can't send the food directly to the tables."

"Oh... I don't want to be any trouble."

"Nonsense."

"Can I go out into the Entrance Hall?"

"Hurry along, before Poppy sees."

Harry grinned and went out into the Entrance Hall. Draco was sitting in the midst of a large group of sixth year Gryffindors in the corner, and Luna was there with them. Harry made his way over and sat down between Ginny and Neville. Ron and Hermione were on the other side of the circle.

"There he is!" Dean shouted and a cheer went up around the hall.

Harry held up his hand in motionless wave as his face turned red, and put his head down as Professor McGonagall brought out a plate of food for him. It was a buttered bead roll and warm rost beef with steamed carrots.

"We thought you might have died," said Neville. "No one had seen you and we didn't believe Draco."

Draco looked away at the mention of his name, but Harry elbowed him lightly and brought his gaze back around. "Why not?" he asked. "Draco's my cousin. He always knows where I am."

"Isn't that nice?" Luna said serenely. Harry noted she had a large bruise above her eye which was a stark contrast against her pale skin. Maybe Madam Pomfrey hadn't seen her yet.

"What?" Seamus asked. "Cousins?"

Everyone in their group quieted to hear what explanation Harry had.

"He's Professor Snape's son," Ron finally said after the long pregnant pause in which Harry didn't say anything, because he didn't know what to say.

The group laughed and then Harry said, "It's true."

"Snape? Harry Snape? Defeater of Voldemort?"

"He's gonna tell us he's a unicorn next," said Parvati, and everyone laughed.

"Come on," Harry said at the ribbing. "It's true."

"You didn't tell us," Neville said, giving Harry a sad look.

"I didn't know until this year," he said.

"There's a lot he doesn't say to his friends," Ron said from the other side of the circle, and Harry noted sadness in his voice as well. He was referring to the Asphodel. No, I didn't tell them. I'm a jerk remember? And in that moment he craved the asphodel worse than he had for months. He finished his food quietly, listening as people around the Entrance Hall joked and laughed and told stories from the night before.

"Did you see us?" a boy from the Ravenclaw Quidditch team said excitedly in the group next to theirs. "Madam Hooch gave us free reign to fly over the castle and throw flaming Dragon dung from Snape's personal stores down at people! Who knew it would explode like that?"

"I took out a Death Eater with a goblet!" said a third year Hufflepuff girl proudly.

"I saw Harry Potter turn into a bear and chase two Death Eaters across the Entrance Hall!"

"I saw him turn into an eagle and fly up to the North tower!"

"I saw-"

"I battled-"

"We fought-"

"I'm so glad-"

It went on and on and Harry's head was starting to hurt. He stood up, leaving his plate on the floor, and made for the Dungeon entrance. He just wanted to be some place quiet and devoid of people. They were all so happy, and he was so hungry for the dirt. He went down the stairs and turned left at the bottom and leaned against the wall in the solemn silence, hand shaking as his fingers crawled across the rough stone.

A few minutes passed before someone came up behind him.

"Harry?"

It was Ron. He didn't answer. Is was bad enough that his friend knew about the dirt. He didn't want to be seen like this.

"You're shaking," he observed.

Harry still didn't answer.

"Hermione told me what Asphodel is. What happens to people that use it. We had no idea you were-"

"I'm not a hero," Harry said. And he meant it. He wasn't. 'Just a little boy with an addiction.' Voldemort's cold words rang in his ears.

"-struggling with that," Ron finished quietly.

"Struggling," Harry gave a short laugh. "Involved with, you mean. Using. Messing up my life."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I was embarassed. Devon gave it to me. I shouldn't have tried it."

"Did Draco know?"

He shook his head, still holding onto the wall. His entire body felt shaky. "My dad and Dumbledore hid it. Madam Pomfrey knew. And Remus, but only because I needed someone to sit with me on the full moon so I wouldn't go out to get it."

"Hermione still thinks you might be a werewolf you know. She thinks Dumbledore's in on it and she's been accosting Ginny for details."

Harry laughed then and looked at his friend.

"You look awful. You're drenched in sweat."

Harry took in a deep breath. "You have no idea how bad this is. I thought- I thought I'd beaten it. I didn't have cravings for months. My dad said you could have cravings for your entire life if you weren't lucky."

"And that bastard had to bring it out in front of you to make it start again."

"He was right. I'm not a hero, just an-" he still couldn't say it. If he said the word addict then it would be real.

"He wasn't right. He was a pratt."

They were quiet as Harry closed his eyes and Ron wondered what to do for his friend.

"Why did you do it?"

"The Asphodel?"

Ron nodded.

"I was messed up over Sirius. I wanted to stop feeling so bad all the time."

"That's what friends are for," Ron said and Harry opened his eyes and looked at him again. There was a seriousness in Ron's eyes.

"I'm not going to make it," Harry said, voicing his fears allowed, and this one in particular for the first time. How would he get a job like this, in this condition? He'd never become an auror or a teacher or a Quidditch player now. "No one wants- an addict around."

"You're not an addict. You're my friend, and I want you around. Tell me what you need and I'll help you."

"I need candy," Harry said seriously, but then he laughed at the look on Ron's face. "Seriously! It helps. And I just need-"

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever change Ron, ok? You're already the perfect friend."

"Come off it Harry," he said with a grin and gave him a light punch in the arm. "Come on, I'm taking you back to the Great Hall before you pass out. Then I'll go and raid Ginny's secret stash of sweets and sneak them in to you."

"That's going to suck," Harry said, allowing Ron to put his hand on his shoulder to move him back in the direction of the stairs. "Walking through all those people looking like this."

"Nah, just wait."

They got to the top of the stairs and some of the people had cleared out, but the majority were still there.

"Hey, what's wrong with him?" Seamus asked loudly.

"Voldemort cursed him last night and it's finally taking it's toll." Ron said in a false panic. "I think he's dying! Everybody out of the way!" Ron ran Harry through the Entrance Hall and Harry gave a particularly convincing fake cough. People gasped and moved aside for them and Ron made sure nobody followed once Harry was in the Great Hall.

"Mr. Potter," Madam Pomfrey said, rushing over to him.

"I think I'd better lay down," he said.

"Yes I think that would be a good idea."

"Is there anywhere I can do it where no one will see me?"

"Is there a reason?"

"I'm gonna barf and Ron's going to bring me some candy soon."

"I see." She got his message that he didn't want the staff that didn't know to piece the clues together. She took him back into the staff room and then into a door to a side room Harry hadn't seen before. It looked like somebody's office, and when he saw all of the Quidditch photos on the wall he realized it was Madam Hooche's office. He'd never been in here before. She brought in his cot, and a moment later his father followed as Harry was laying down. She left them alone and closed the door.

"Did you get any of it in your system last night?" Severus asked seriously.

"I don't think so."

"Some of it flew up into the air when Devon was knocked down, and you're sweating profusely."

"I'm craving it really bad. I wish I had got some of it last night. It was everything I could do not to stick my face in the jar."

Severus sighed. "I am sorry."

"For what?"

"For failing you as a father. If I had been more attentive to you I would have stopped this before it had happened to begin with."

Harry shook his head as his stomach clenched. He really did feel like he was going to be sick. "You're fine. I'm fine. Everybody's fine," he said, but Severus wasn't sure whether or not Harry said it to reassure himself or to be sarcastic.

* * *

Most of the students and staff had been released from Madam Pomfrey's care. Some of the parents had come to pull their students out of school early in the days that followed the battle, but the majority had stayed.

Harry was doing better, but he was eating hard candies again almost non-stop. The difference this time was that his friends knew about his issue and were happy to try to distract him. Harry was surprised by what a relief it was not to have to try so hard to hide it. People still believed Voldemort had cursed him with some unknown spell and that he was still recovering from it, so if he sweated while sitting in class or didn't show up for a class now and then, he didn't have to explain anything.

When Harry was skipping classes he was with Remus. His father was overly busy and stressed because he was taking care of his own classes and subbing for Remus twice a day. Madam Hooch subbed for Remus for the rest of the classes, but still had her own flying classes to deal with so she couldn't take them all.

Whereas Harry felt better and better as the days wore on and the cravings lessened, Remus only seemed to feel worse. He'd been healed completely (though he still had one massive scar on the side of his stomach from where a spell had slashed him). The problem wasn't medical, it was mental. He was depressed because of Sirius' death and he wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. He spent his days in his room sitting in a chair looking out the window, or sleeping.

Sometimes Dumbledore sat with Remus, but most of the time it was Harry or McGonagall. Harry was surprised to find out that his Head of House and Godfather were such close friends.

"It was like this last time, when James and Lily died and Sirius ended up in Azkaban, but not as bad," McGonagall told Harry in the corridor outside of Remus' quarters one day. "He was depressed for weeks. We all were though."

"What do I do?"

"Just sit with him Potter. Talk to him. He's listening. Believe it or not, he can be just as stubborn as your father, he just doesn't usually show that side of himself."

"Remus stubborn?" Harry laughed. But he did go in and sit with him between classes or on his free periods, and sometimes took his meals up there. Ginny sometimes went with him and they did their homework in Remus' quarters. That went on for a week and a half before Remus finally said something to Harry one evening near curfew.

"Don't come back."

Harry lifted his eyes from his homework. Ginny hadn't come with him tonight because she had a study group for one of her classes. Remus hadn't spoken to him in so long that Harry wasn't sure what to say and wished Ginny were there to help him figure it out.

"What?"

Remus took his gaze away from the window and looked at Harry briefly.

"Tomorrow. Don't come back."

"Why?"

"I don't want you here."

Harry was silent as Remus turned back to the dark window. What was he looking at anyway? It was completely dark out.

Closing his homework inside of his Charms book, Harry dragged his chair towards Remus, McGonagall's words about the man being stubborn coming to mind.

"Stop. Go back to your common room."

Harry paused with the chair, uncertain. "No."

Remus turned to him with an angry look on his face. Harry had seen Remus angry before, both in wolf and human form, but never aimed at him. "I am a Professor and you will give me the respect I deserve! Now get out!"

"I'm your friend and I'm staying."

"You're a child. Leave."

"I get that you're upset, but don't push me awa-"

Remus stood up so fast that his chair almost fell over backwards, and Harry was startled where he sat. Remus glared at him.

"You don't understand anything. Neither does Minerva, or Albus, or Severus! I don't want any of you to come back here again!"

When had his father had come to sit with Remus?

Breathing heavily Harry tried to force down the panic attack that wanted to grip his heart and not let go. His only Godfather didn't want him there. Was angry at him, when he had never been before.

"I don't understand losing someone that I cared about?" Harry asked unbeliving, slight shake in his voice. Remus gave him a look that almost conveyed his sorryness for his statement. "I don't understand trying to push people I care about away so that I don't have to deal with the hurt of them dying later on?" Remus actually seemed surprised by that statement, as if it had struck home like Harry had read his mind. "I don't understand feeling completely alone with no one to turn to?" Remus looked away.

"Here's what I understand," Harry said, trying not to let bitterness seep into his voice. "I know that no matter how stubborn I was, you were there for me and dragged me up to see my dad even though I didn't want to, because it was the right thing to do. I know that even when I didn't respond to your letters, you came to see me anyway. I know that this place and these faces you keep seeing day after day are getting old." Remus looked at him again. "So stand up. Go home Remus. Get out of here if you don't want to be here anymore. Leave me the hell alone if you don't want me around, becuase I just lost one Godfather, again, I don't want to get any closer to you if you're just going to push me away."

Harry waited for Remus to respond but he didn't. He just locked eyes with his Godson for long moments, and then turned away again. Harry stood up and roughly grabbed his books. Fine. Be that way. You don't want me here, I'll leave. I'll be gone and I won't come back, he thought to himself. Harry threw the door open to Remus' quarters and stormed out. He knew he could go to the common room and be with his friends, or to the Dungeons to stay the night with his father, but at that moment he felt particularly alone. Alone. Without any Godfather at all.

Harry stopped a short ways down the darkened corridor and leaned against the wall, clutching his book tightly. Why did things always have to get so screwed up? Harry didn't see his friends in situations like this... or at least not often. In fact, if he wasn't so messed up all the time he'd bet his friend's lives would be perfectly normal. Normal sounded really nice. What was that like anyhow? Going to school and hanging out with friends and writing letters home to parents who were alive and well and didn't have any problems? Normal. It was too elusive an idea for Harry to even imagine. And Remus was the most normal person he was friends with. Well, not anymore, he thought sadly. Harry wanted to march back in there and give His Godfather a piece of his mind. He should. He turned to walk back down the corridor, but was surprised to see Remus coming down it towards him, wand lit to ward off the darkness.

"Harry?"

Harry raised a brow.

"I- I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine," Harry said. He was angry, but he wasn't panicking and the cravings were at the back of his mind at the moment. This is what it took to get Remus out of his room after nine days? Harry storming off?

"Please come back."

"It's after curfew," said Harry flatly. He was pleased Remus was out of his room and talking, but was having to fight hard to push his anger down.

"I'll write you a pass." He looked... needy, and it unsettled Harry. He wasn't used to seeing adults look like that. Harry took a few steps towards him and Remus lead the way the thirty feet back to his quarters and inside.

"It's easy-" Remus said quietly, sitting back down, this time on the trunk against the wall. "when one is so consumed, to forget about what others have been through... are going through."

"I'm fine," Harry said, not wanting Remus to think he was going to have a meltdown or panic attack. Harry was feeling a lot stronger these last couple of weeks since the battle. Less fragile and more like he could withstand slights against him. He wasn't worried for himself or his own sanity at all. Remus was another story.

"I'm glad," Remus said, "because I'm not."

Harry set his book down on Remus' desk and sat down in the chair he'd been occupying five minutes before.

"You will be," Harry said.

"You said, go home if I was tired of the people here... but I can't."

"What's that mean?"

"I can't go home, because this is home. It has been since my first year."

"I know what you mean."

Remus looked up at him, appreciation in his eyes for that understanding.

"James was nice, but it was Sirius who kept after me to join them in their late night escapades. It was Sirius who would drag me out of the dormitory and into the common room to play board games or do homework together, and it was Sirius who dragged James over to sit with me in classes or at meals. Sirius was the one who taught me- made me see that things were different here."

"I guess you were both good for each other then," Harry said.

"I did keep them out of trouble a lot."

"No, I mean- when Sirius was hit, he said you taught him to do the best he could no matter what. That's why he tried to change after what happened in the summer." Harry paused, and then added as an afterthought, "you taught me that too. I think about that a lot."

"He said that?" Remus asked quietly.

Harry nodded and his Godfather looked thoughtful.

"Maybe you should know what he taught me," Harry said, and Remus met Harry's eyes there in the dimly lit room, waiting. "He never said it, but I learned that it's possible to get back up after you fall. To pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep going. Because when you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up."

"He did show us that, didn't he? Or maybe it was you that showed him."

"Maybe," Harry said quietly.

They sat in silence for several minutes while Harry let Remus think over things. Harry was almost going to pick his homework up to start working on it again when Remus spoke.

"I don't know how to do that. I don't know how you and Sirius did it."

"Professor McGonagall said this happened before... after James and Lily."

"I think they drugged me or something, because I don't know how I came out of that."

"I made it through this year because of my friends. My dad, you, Draco, Ron and Hermione and Ginny. Sirius had-"

"Sirius didn't have me. When he said he'd done something to you and you'd run away, I left Grimmuald Place and I only went back to get your things. He wrote to me a couple of times but I only wrote back to him once. He was alone."

"I didn't know that."

"I was a terrible friend, after all he'd done for me, because I was angry."

"Sometimes we're all terrible friends. I wasn't so great to Ron this year."

"I don't want to be consoled about my guilt."

"Too bad, because I'm going to do it anyway. I was guilty when Sirius was dying about the letters I wrote to him, and before that I was guilty for running away and leaving him alone there. And when you told me he was having issues over what happened, I felt guilty then too. He told me not to be. He would forgive you too if he had a chance."

"Well he can't now."

"Doesn't matter," Harry insisted. He didn't know where he was coming up with these things to say, but they felt right. "You obviously mattered to him because if you didn't he wouldn't have been friends with you in school like he was."

Remus sighed and Harry stood up.

"Time for bed."

"I didn't mean to keep you so late," Remus said, but Harry shook his head.

"Not for me, for you. Go to bed because tomorrow morning I'm dragging you down to the Great Hall for coffee, even if I have to petrify you and levitate you down there."

Remus managed a weak smile for his Godson and Harry returned it.

"I can be stubborn too, remember?" Harry asked. Remus went to his bed and sat down and Harry made sure he was lying down before he took his homework and book and went back to Gryffindor tower.

* * *

Harry woke Remus early and they walked down through the castle together. McGonagall gave Harry an approving look in the Entrance Hall, even though Remus still looked tired and meloncholly. If Sirius had dragged Remus to meals and social gatherings, than Harry would do the same if that's what it took, until Remus was ready to do those things on his own.

Later Severus asked Harry after Potions, "How did you get him out of his room?"

"I was stubborn. I learned that from a couple of Professors I know."

Severus gave a rare smile and tousled Harry's hair. "I am glad to have taught you something."

* * *

Harry James Potter, son of Severus Snape and Lily Evans, would have many more trials in the years after his final defeat of Voldemort. He had another year of school, and his whole life ahead of him. Going forward, he knew that no matter what he faced, he had family and friends willing to help him. Which was a good thing, because his cravings for Asphodel never subsided. They did lessen in intensity, but every once in a while something would remind him of his addiction and the cravings would start anew. The full moon was the worst, but he never had to ask for help because his friends always made sure someone was available to sit with him on those nights and keep his mind off of the Asphodel.

In future years people would stop calling Harry The-Boy-Who-Lived becuase he was no longer a boy, though many tried to come up with new names for him. Destroyer of Voldemort. Anamorph Hero. Bear Who Lived. Harry never liked any of them aside from the one his father suggested: Invictus. It meant master of your own fate. Harry liked that, and so did Remus. Voldemort had tried to choose his fate as a baby, choosing him as the one that would fulfil the prophecy, trying to kill him, and succeeding in killing his parents. The twisted man had interfered with almost every year of his education. He had seemed determined to choose Harry's destiny for him, but Harry had won out in the end, not only over Voldemort, but over his own demons as well. Voldemort was dead and gone now though, they'd made sure of it, and Harry liked the feeling that the future was open to him without a prophecy hanging over his head.

* * *

It was impossible for light to filter into the lowest dungeon of the castle. Students weren't allowed down this far. It was lower even than the Chamber of Secrets. Severus hadn't even been aware that the room existed until Albus had shown him after the final battle. It had been unused for decades because it frequently flooded and there was a danger of the ceiling caving in. Shackles hung from the walls, and the stairs leading down were decaying and crumbling. The entire room smelled of dampness and mold. It was in a word: creepy. It was also warded with ancient spells that Severus and Albus and Minerva had had to research, as well as with new. No one could get into this space, and they weren't meant to, not with what was held inside.

On the floor, chained and warded shut, was a beat up metal box. It shook, and shuddered, and every so often, you could hear from within a scream of agony, and terror, and rage.