“Crucio.” The pain was so unbearable that Severus did not register his body hitting the ground in an undignified collapse. He wanted to stand back up, to not yell out in pain, but no one was that strong. The curse lifted. Severus dug his fingers into the mulch and gripped the rotten wood chips for comfort.

Recovering after the first curse was easy enough. Severus’ mind was well-ordered, his most dangerous secret thoughts were carefully locked under an image of an apple tree he liked to sit in as a child. That image itself was tucked below years and years worth of information and emotion. Voldemort did not have the patience for that. As long as he stayed calm and did not disorder his mind to reveal the apple tree, all would be well.

“Legilimens.” Voldemort hissed. Potions classes, faces of students, feelings of disdain and hatred all flipped passed Severus’ mind with dizzying speed. As he and Dumbledore hoped and expected, Voldemort was looking for a clear image of Severus’ disloyalty, skating over the seemingly insignificant memories which, if examined carefully, all together, would have pointed to Severus’ true allegiance.

“Crucio” The pain came again, so intense it felt like it must have always existed and would never end. Severus felt a taste like sour milk in his mouth as he crashed to his knees. He was going to be sick.

A pair of strong hands rolled Severus over on to his side. He puked violently over the side of the bed into the large pot. When did he lie down? He gasped and shuddered over the pot for a moment. His stomach burned so much, he felt as though acid had burned a whole straight through him.

xXx

“Alright…you’re alright.” A voice was speaking in a gentle, reassuring tone right near his ear. One hand that Severus assumed belonged to the voice was holding his chest to stop him from rolling off of the bed. The other rubbed slow, deliberate circles on his back. Severus was fairly certain this was not Voldemort.

“Better now?” Asked the same solicitous voice. Severus gave a jerky nod yes even though he felt like he would never be free of pain again. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt himself being rolled back to lie down again. He was propped up on an exceptional amount of pillows. If anything could feel nice right now, this would.

“This will help with the pain.” The voice said, placing a vial of something up to his lips. Severus knew it wasn’t smart to take potions from an unknown voice but at this moment he didn’t care. If the voice wanted to kill him it could. A bitter pain reliever was tipped down his throat. Moments later, a water glass was held to his lips. Severus drank greedily, eager to wash the taste of sick and potion out of his mouth. He ended up choking on half of it, sending his stomach into another fit of pain. The voice swore lightly then rubbed his shoulder reassuringly as his sputters died down.

“You’ll feel better soon.” The voice promised after the coughs stopped. “Just relax and try to get some more rest.” Severus wanted to be offended at being talked to like a child but he appreciated the soft tone. It didn’t make his head hurt and he knew it wasn’t Voldemort. Something cold and wet wiped his overly hot face. It felt nice. Things seemed to hurt less now.

xXx

The white-hot agony was so blinding that Severus was almost unconscious from the pain. This had to stop soon. The Dark Lord would not want to kill him. He was useful. Dumbledore always made sure he was too useful to be killed. Severus quickly pushed that thought away. He had to keep his mind ordered.

“P-please me lord. I hide nothing from you.” Severus whispered.

“Severus, I have no use for a spy I cannot trust.” Voldemort hissed. Severus felt a new pain in his stomach. With a terrified horror, Severus realized that Voldemort was cutting into his stomach using a knife, not his wand. He wanted to torture him and perform legilimency at the same time. Blood ozzed, warm and wet to mingle with the vomit on his robes.

“You can trust me.” Severus whispered, having no idea how he was still able to speak.

“Prove it.” Voldemort hissed, cutting in to Severus again. Severus swallowed down the urge to vomit as the pain overwhelmed him. He was going to die tonight. The realization paralyzed him. His hold on his perfectly organized brain that so carefully hid his treachery was starting loosen. His mind craved comfort so badly that it was starting to rifle through old memories in a futile attempt to soothe itself. Severus gulped down air.

xXx

“It’s just a dream.” James Potter said with uncharacteristic reticence. A warm hand came to rest on top of his and squeezed gently. Severus was incredibly confused. Wasn’t James Potter dead? James Potter being alive made more sense than him holding Severus’ hand. Severus heard footsteps and whoever was holding his hand moved aside, removing their hand from his. Severus realized that his body was trembling slightly. Voldemort – the Cruciatus Curse – bits came back to him. He felt like he should be in more pain.

Opening his eyes seemed to require an unusually large amount of effort, but Severus did. The room he was in was dark. Sirius Black stood over him, his face lit eerily by his wand. Severus blinked. Sirius was still there, both observing him carefully and smiling.

“What – ?“

“Don’t worry about it.” Sirius said, cutting him off with a kind firmness. “You’ve had a bit of a long night. We’ll talk in the morning. Drink this, it’ll help.” The words felt familiar. Sirius extended a vial of what appeared to be pain reliever to him. Against his better judgment, Severus took it.

“Was James Potter here?” Severus asked, his brain wasn’t working right. A glint of laughter appeared in Sirius’ eyes.

“Not quite.” Sirius replied in that new, gentle tone Severus didn’t understand. “We’ll talk when you’re feeling better. Now drink up.” Severus tried to glare. He was not aware Sirius had become his mother. But his stomach hurt and he was tired so he took the potion. Severus felt his eyes close. Someone took the empty vial from him.

“Throw that in the sink, would you Harry?” Sirius whispered. Harry. Severus knew Harry wasn’t in the room. It made sense now. He was dreaming. He must have overdone the pain potions. He thought he felt someone pull the blanket up around his shoulders. What an odd sort of dream.

“I tried to give Tuney those sherbet balls from Hogsmeade, but she just threw them out.” Lily said with a sigh. She was swinging upside down from the lowest branch of the apple tree. Her long, red hair dangled down to meet Severus’ shoulder as he sat at the base of the trunk.

“So then, I mixed Bertie Botts Every-Flavoured Beans in to her jellybeans. She had vomit flavored one.” Lily said, laughing. Usually Severus would have joined in but nothing in the world, not even Lily, could make him smile now. The tree branches rustled and, moment’s later, Lily landed on her feet beside him.

“What’s wrong Severus?” Lily asked. seeming both slightly annoyed that he wasn’t listening to her and genuinely concerned. Severus shrugged.

“Nothing.” Severus muttered, digging his nails into one of the dropped apples, making its skin crack in a satisfying manner. Lily sat down beside him.

“You seem upset.” Lily tried again, a little hesitantly. “Is it your parents?” Her voice indicated that she wasn’t entirely sure asking him this was a good idea. Severus felt his face burn with embarrassment.

“Just go away Lily.” Severus said hotly, turning himself away from her. Severus could feel her hesitancy, but she didn’t move. After a moment, she settled herself more comfortably on the tree trunk. There was an incredibly heavy silence. All of Severus’ muscles were clenched. He couldn’t fathom why she was still there or why she wasn’t getting mad at him. Then, the grass rustled as she moved to leave. He didn’t know whether or not he wished she stayed. His head hung between his knees despondently.

“Would you like some chocolate?” Lily’s voice asked softly. Severus snapped his head up. Lily was still sitting beside him. She had dragged her bag over closer to them and now held a chocolate frog out to him. Her big, green eyes observed him warily.

“Go on then.”

After a moment Severus reached out to take it. He didn’t know why his eyes were starting burn. He didn’t dare look up at her.

“Don’t worry Sev.” She said, sitting close enough for their shoulders to touch. “Soon we’ll be back at Hogwarts. I won’t have to see Petunia, and you won’t have to see your father, and we’ll be able to eat chocolate frogs by the lake with the giant squid every day.” She grabbed a chocolate frog out of the bag for herself and unwrapped it.

Severus lifted his eyes and smiled a little at her. Her words felt like a soothing balm on a fiery burn. Not because of what she said, but because she had cared enough to say it. She smiled back and rested her head on his shoulder. His heart jumped up to his throat and he felt like he couldn’t take a proper breath. Lily ate her chocolate in happy silence. In order to do something other than stare at her head on his shoulder, Severus nibbled at his too.  The soft summer breeze encircled them and a vanilla scent floated up from her. If Severus did not have the lash marks to prove he was on Earth, he would have been sure he had died and gone to heaven. It was perfection.

Severus blinked. There was no apple tree or warm summer breeze, just a pitch-black room. He tasted the remnants of pain-reliever in his mouth instead of chocolate. The familiar, parchment smell of his apartment filled his nose instead of the warm vanilla scent. He had been dreaming. He wanted to cry with disappointment.

“Professor?” Asked a soft, distinctly Potter-like voice. Snape nearly jumped off the bed in alarm. What the fuck was Harry Potter doing in his room?

“Sorry, sir.” The boy whispered. “Lumos.” The tip of Potter’s wand cast an eerie glow on the room and lit-up his face. He was pale, puffy and blearily eyed, as though he just awoke.

“How are you feeling?” Potter asked, putting on his glasses, and observing Severus carefully from a big couch. But that wasn’t right, Severus did not have a big, ugly couch in his bedroom. Severus looked around, aside from the couch and Potter everything seemed to be in place. Was he dreaming again?

“Sir, are you alright?” Potter asked again. “We’re at Hogwarts.” Potter continued. Severus felt his mouth thin into a familiar scowl.

“I know where we are Potter. My question is why the hell are you in my room.” Snape spat out. He tried to sit up but an ungodly pain flared in his stomach. Surprised, Severus gasped a little and fell back on his pillows. Harry jumped off of the couch in alarm, laying a hand on Snape’s arm.

“You should stay lying down sir.” Potter instructed nervously. “Your stomach -- you’ve been hurt quite badly. Sirius is getting some potions from Grimmauld Place.” A tense silence followed.

Severus felt himself pale. Flashes came quick and fast. The forest, the knife, Voldemort, not quite yet willing to kill his spy, sticking him into the floo at Borgin and Bourkes.  He remembered collapsing in pain, happy to die in his warm apartment. A young voice and uncertain hands – Potter – followed by a competent, reassuring voice making the pain slowly die away, telling him to relax and sleep. It was no dream. The voice was Sirius. The hand on his had not been James’, it was Harry’s.

“Can I get you anything?” Potter asked quietly.

“Get out.” Severus said sharply. He had never felt so much embarrassment and self-loathing in his entire life. He did not know how the boy got in to his apartment but he was going to change every single ward and block his fireplace. He was not going to teach the boy potions anymore let alone Occlumency, Dumbledore be damned.

The boy’s eyes widened in fright, but he looked hesitant.

“Get out now.” Severus yelled causing Potter to recoil as though he had been slapped hard across his face. Harry gave a little nod, and left.

Severus wished he had died. Everything hurt. Lily was dead. Black and Potter had spent the night watching him puke and scream. Potter had held his damn hand. He was going to be the laughing stock of Gryffindor now. Hell it would probably make the Prophet. Severus could see the headline: Harry Potter Valiantly Saves Hated Professor from Dark Lord, Gains 1000 points for Gryffindor.

Severus closed his eyes, biting back all instincts to scream, cry and throw things. Severus took a calming breath. This was not helping.  To stop from thinking about Harry fucking Potter, Snape attempted to assess his injuries. He moved to push the covers off to examine his stomach, but only one arm worked. His left sat like a filled up rubber glove beside him. It burned slightly and Severus could tell that the only reason it wasn’t in intense pain was because of liberal amounts of painkillers.

Severus sighed and awkwardly pulled at the bandage on his stomach. What had been gaping holes were now covered with thin skin. Sirius had successfully done a skin growth spell. Despite himself, Severus was a little impressed. That was difficult healing magic that involved forcing individual skin cells to expand slightly to cover a wound. Everything else just had the familiar dull, ache that came after the Cruciatus Curse was used. Given the amount of exposure, it would be about a week or so until Severus would feel comfortable again. Severus’ teeth chattered. He was cold.

There was a soft knock at his door followed by a hesitant ‘Professor?’

Severus started. Potter stared back at him from the door. He was wearing the same look of nervous determination that he had when he walked out to face the Hungarian Horntail last year.

“Would you like some tea?” He held two large mugs of tea in his hands. Severus opened his mouth, but Potter cut him off.

 “Remember, sir what you said to me – you said if I didn’t feel alone I wouldn’t feel as scared. Well – Well I reckon the same goes for you.”  Harry said it in a quick, embarrassed burst and Severus had the distinct impression that the boy had been rehearsing the sentence. He was bright red.

“I won’t leave, sir. Not until Sirius gets back.” This sentence seemed to have exhausted all of Harry’s courage. He looked down at the mugs of tea nervously. Not even Severus could yell at a student after that bumbling attempt at comfort. If Severus were the sort of person who found things endearing, that would have done it. Severus shivered, the after-effects of the Cruciatus curse still wreaking havoc on his nervous system. Harry looked up from the mugs of tea, concerned.

“You can’t have anymore pain potions, but the tea might help.” Harry said softly, almost at a whisper. He extended one of the mugs to Severus who eyed it warily. The thought of a hot cup of tea was almost appealing enough to be worth Potter’s company.

“Go on then.” Harry said with an encouraging nod. Severus was reminded abruptly of another pair of green eyes waiting hopefully for him to accept a sweet. Severus gave Harry a disgruntled look, but put out his good hand to accept the tea. Harry smiled.

The tea was warm and wonderful and although Severus knew it was purely psychological, he could have sworn his shaking limbs calmed. Harry looked around uncomfortable, clearly not willing to risk sitting back on the couch.

“Sit down Potter. I’d rather have you where I can see you.” Snape snarled. Harry sank back on the couch and took a large sip of his tea.

“Where does Umbridge think you are?” Snape asked sharply after a moment. The woman had started instituting random bed-checks.

“Hermione’s done some spell that make it seem like I’m there.” Harry answered. Wonderful, Severus thought to himself, now all of Gryffindor knows where the boy is. That was going to start some particularly nasty rumors.

“Hermione and Ron are the only ones who know. They’re worried about you too.” Harry said softly, as though reading Snape’s mind. Severus tried not to scoff at the idea of Ronald Weasley worrying over him. Harry was being kind. Severus wasn’t too thick to see that. He probably also saved his life.

“How did you get in here?” Snape asked. He was serious about changing the wards. Harry looked up at Snape nervously, as though he wasn’t entirely sure he could answer the question without getting in trouble.

“My friend Dobby apparated me in.” Harry answered, carefully gauging Snape’s face for a reaction.

“You cannot apparate within Hogwarts Potter.” Snape said, realizing with anger that he had stopped mentally calling the boy Potter and that Potter had stopped calling him sir. Now the boy was lying to him in his own quarters.

“Dobby can. He’s a house-elf.” Potter replied simply, sipping his tea. Snape blinked, taken aback.

“You are friends with a house-elf? The Malfoy’s elf?” Snape said torn between disbelief and incredulity. If true it was a pretty good idea. Granger must have thought of it.

“Yes.” Potter said defensively, giving Snape a slight glare. “And Dobby is a free elf.” Snape hid a smile. That was something Lily would’ve said.  He immediately regretted it. The suppressed chuckle made his stomach flare in agony. Snape hissed and jerked, spilling some tea on himself.

Harry reached forward and grabbed his mug, placing it on the nightstand.

“Why don’t you get some more rest, sir? Sirius will be here soon.” Harry said gently, as though the impending arrival of Black was supposed to be a comforting thought. Severus nodded and grimaced slightly. It was a little awkward to try and fall asleep with Harry on the couch beside him.

“Nox.” Harry whispered and the room was cast into pitch black. Severus listened to the boy settle into the couch. He tried to decide whether or not he was comforted by the presence in the room, but fell asleep before he came to a conclusion.

Voldemort pulled himself out of Severus’ head. Severus was half-conscious now.

“Lily Evans, still in your thoughts is she?” Voldemort said, his voice tight with suspicion.

“I have not hidden that from you my lord.” Severus whispered. His mouth was dry and chapped. Everything felt fuzzy. It was true. Severus had once begged the most dangerous wizard in the world to spare Lily’s life. To hide that he loved her would only prove he was hiding his thoughts and feelings.

“She’s long dead.” Voldemort said simply. He seemed more puzzled at finding that Lily’s memory was still powerful than concerned. Voldemort would never understand over 20 years of unrequited love, something Severus was able to use to his advantage. Severus managed an ironic quirk of his lips from his place on the trees.

“I know my lord.” Severus said, more blasé than he felt. This seemed to mollify Voldemort slightly. Voldemort kept talking but Severus couldn’t hear him. He could just hear his blood in his ears.

“Crucio.” Severus thought he saw Voldemort laugh. He could see spots and Dumbledore’s eyes. He was going mad. He was going to be insane like the Longbottoms.  He couldn’t take anymore.