The Summer We Went Mental by Whitetail
Summary: Being sent to stay in a psychiatric ward at St. Mungo’s isn’t exactly the most enjoyable way to spend a summer, so naturally, Harry’s pretty angry when he finds out that’s his destination, regardless of whether or not it might be good for him. Facing a full summer of being cut off from the Order’s plans, Harry’s even taken to envying Snape, because at least Snape knows what is going on. But when Harry arrives at St. Mungo’s and discovers that a fire has changed his destination from the teen ward to the adult ward, everything is turned upside down. Enter his roommate - suicidal, depressed, and none other than Severus Snape. They are both willing to bet that their summer will be a total disaster, and maybe it will be, but even the surest of gamblers are not always right.
Categories: Snape Equal Status to Harry > Comrades Snape and Harry Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Dumbledore, Original Character, Remus
Snape Flavour: Snape is Depressed
Genres: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Media Type: None
Tags: Hospitalization
Takes Place: 6th summer
Warnings: Self-harm, Suicide Themes
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 35 Completed: Yes Word count: 109245 Read: 221950 Published: 14 Feb 2014 Updated: 03 May 2015
Daggers by Whitetail

Severus' head felt foggy and thick. His eyes were puffy from his breakdown earlier in the kitchen. The image of the paper swam before his eyes over and over again. He wished he could make the words go away. His heart skipped a few beats every so often, like something was knocking on the inside of his chest, trying to get out. Endless thoughts ran through his head. He tried to remember how his healer told him not to stop the thoughts, but to change them. Deal with them and quiet them rather than force them away. Severus shut his eyes tightly, the dizzying spiral in his head making the room distort with his panic. Everyone knew now. Everyone.

It's the end there's no way to fix this no way can I live with this no way I can keep going -

Yes you can.

But it's easier to give in. Easier.

I know. I know. Keep going anyway. Keep breathing

Everyone everyone knows they all know I'm -

Slow down. Take a breath.

Just breathe (can I do that) I think I can do that.

Breathe, Sev.

Breathe.

The world spun a little less, and Severus opened his eyes.

Better a little better now time to distract.

Severus glanced around the rather dreary bedroom at Grimmauld Place. It was very quiet here, especially after Oak Tree. Dumbledore had gone now for the day. Dobby the house elf would be dropping in and out for the next little while.

Albus had explained that Kreacher the house elf was Potter's now. Potter had made him go to Hogwarts, and as 12 Grimmauld Place was now Potter's house and the house had been checked over by the Order, technically, they were safe to stay there. Severus folded his clothes, placing them in the wardrobe upstairs. He had taken a random room on Dumbledore's suggestion. It still bore the reminders of the last summer, two beds put into a once far too spacious room by the Order, a stray candy wrapper on one of the bedspreads, left from one of the Weasley children most likely.

Grimmauld Place would be safe, Dumbledore said. To help make sure of this, when Richard had come for his session with Potter, he'd stayed after for a little while to ready the house. A collective decision had been made between Dumbledore, Richard, and Joseph that Severus and Harry were doing well enough that daily sessions and Dobby's monitoring would be enough. They were cleared to live for a while on their own, which in the end Richard had said might work out to be the best thing, as it would give them some sense of independence and confidence before returning to working and school. The agreement was that he and Potter would look after each other as well, make note of any odd behaviour in the other, and mention any observations during sessions. Dobby would be dropping by a few times a day with food, and occasionally make his presence known to say hello and get a visual on how Severus and Potter were doing. It would be just the two of them for the most part, however.

Of course, that wasn't to say there weren't precautions. Lots of rooms were blocked off with magic, the ones that had too many dangerous things in them. The knives in the kitchen had been charmed so they were impossible to be used as a weapon against oneself or others. All manner of protective spells had been placed on the house, both protection from intruders, and from themselves. Magical windows, wide and warm had been added into some of the rooms as well to lighten the mood. Richard had done an amazing job of brightening the house and changing the decor in places, but it was still number twelve, Grimmauld place. There was no changing that. Sure, it was more secure. But it was still Grimmauld Place, the house of awful memories. Severus hated it for all the times he had to show up and talk about what the Dark Lord was doing. Potter hated it for his Godfather.

Severus rubbed his tired eyes, continuing to fold his clothes and stack them neatly. The door was open. There was nobody to disturb them anyway. Severus already missed Daisy, and he wished he'd gotten a chance to say goodbye to her. The last he'd seen her she'd been grumpy about some conversation with her friend. She was due to be gone from Oak Tree soon. He wondered how she was. Severus wanted to send her a letter, but he was hesitant. He didn't know where to send it. Besides, what would he say?

Sorry I disappeared off the face of the earth?

What if she was still angry with him for prying at why she was in a bad mood? He shook his head. He just didn't know. Women confused him in general, even ones he considered friends.

There was a smooth, sliding noise. Severus looked up from the wardrobe. Potter had leaned against the door frame and was in the process of sliding slowly, morosely to the floor.

"Hi," Potter said quietly.

"How is the unpacking going?" Severus asked, feeling a little bit awkward, remembering the breakdown they'd both had in the kitchen that morning. Neither of them had said a word about it. It seemed to be an unspoken agreement of sorts.

Potter shrugged.

"Rooms are too big here," Potter said, his words hardly rising above the swishing sound of Severus folding shirts.

"They are oddly spacious, after Oak Tree," Severus added, not cluing in as he began to pick lint off of a black jumper of his. Silence fell for a little while.

"Sir?"

"Mhmm," Severus said, his focus still on the lint, his eyes narrowed at his sweater in irritation.

"Can ... can we share a room?" Potter asked, sounding as though he expected to be executed. "Like at Oak Tree? It's, well... it's too quiet. I - I'll understand if you want the space. But, it's just empty here, is all ..."

Severus paused, looking over to where Potter was sitting, arms around his legs and leaning against the door frame.

For a moment, he didn't know what to say. Then, the answer came. And to his surprise, it was an honest one.

"This room, or another?" asked Severus.

Potter's chest lost the tension it had been carrying, and he let out a long, slow breath.

"This one's fine," Potter said.

"Get your things, then," said Severus.

Potter got to his feet, trying to conceal the relief on his face.

"Oh, and Potter?" Severus called as the boy ran from the room to go get his trunk.

"Yes?" Potter said, his voice floating into the room from the hallway.

"I get the bed by the window this time!" Severus shouted after him.

Potter laughed. It echoed in the quiet halls, and for a moment, the place did not seem so lonely to Severus.

 

***

 

"Okay, I have to admit, having a shower that locks is kind of nice," Potter said, taking a bite of his sandwich as they sat down for lunch, which Dobby had brought minutes earlier.

"Agreed," said Severus. "Can't count the times someone barged in on me by accident. Not pleasant."

"It's weird, though," Potter said, chewing thoughtfully. "I kind of miss Oak Tree. Is that weird?"

"No," said Severus slowly. "It ... wasn't all bad. I miss the garden."

"And Daisy?" Potter asked, getting a mischievous smile.

"What does that mean?"

"I dunno," said Potter, shrugging, still smirking.

"Are you insinuating that -"

"Aw come on, Daisy was pretty, wasn't she?" said Potter, shrugging.

"I suppose," said Severus stiffly, unable to admit to Potter he was right. Daisy was pretty. But that wasn't the only reason he liked her company. It was merely nice to talk to someone his age that he didn't have to act sane around. It was a relief.

Only the clink of glasses against the wood table and the sound of spoons in soup bowls filled the room for a minute or two.

"I do miss her," said Severus at last.

"So write to her," said Potter, adding a few more carrots to his place. "What's the worst that happens? If she doesn't respond at least you can say you tried."

"She was giving me the cold shoulder, last I checked," said Severus, sighing. "That feels like years ago now."

"What was up with her?"

"I think one of her friends was being rather harsh, but that is just a guess," said Severus, frowning, trying to recall the details. "I asked her how she was after she talked on the telephone with someone, and she wouldn't say. So I said she might feel better if she talked about whatever was bothering her. She got defensive, saying it was none of my business. That she didn't need someone to tell her how to run her life. That sort of thing."

"Write her anyway," said Potter. "I think you should. Really."

"But she was trying to push me away," Severus said, nonplussed. "She didn't want me interfering."

"No, you don't get it," Potter said, a kind of seriousness he had lacked before filling his words. He was staring into his soup as though the future was written in it. He frowned. Severus got the feeling he was trying very hard to figure out how to say what was on his mind.

"So explain it then," said Severus, annoyed.

"Erm .. I don't know Daisy, and maybe you're right that she wants you to leave her alone," Potter said, stirring his soup. "But, it's just ... when something's bothering me, I do this thing, and I don't really mean to, but ... I don't know. It's stupid."

"You brought it up," said Severus. "I am sure it isn't stupid."

"Well, sometimes, I get this thing where if I'm upset, I push people away. Because I'm used to nobody caring, or people getting made fun for talking about what's bothering me. Just how I ... how I grew up. So, when someone asks if I'm alright, more often than not, I shut them out."

"So, you think Daisy's worried I'll make fun of her?" said Severus, filing away Potter's comment on growing up for later. Now was not the time to bring that up. But it would be soon. Severus was certain of that.

"Not exactly," Potter said. "With me ... a lot of the time I just tell people to piss off if they ask how I'm feeling. It's stupid, I know, but I usually panic or I don't know how to tell them that I'm not alright. So, when I say piss off, I really ... sort of say that in the hopes that they'll care enough about me to be stubborn and not piss off. Make sense?"

Severus frowned, looking at the way Potter's eyes had widened behind his glasses, the way his hand trembled with the spoon in his grasp.

Are you okay, Sev?

Fine. Lily, really, I'm fine. Just ... please, leave me be for a little while.

"I ... I think I understand," said Severus. He scoffed slightly, looking up from the table, his eyes flickering toward Potter's for a moment. "I do that too, sometimes. Guess I did not look at Daisy's reaction that way."

Potter nodded.

"I think you should write Daisy," Potter said after a lengthy silence.

"I will," said Severus. "I think I will."

***

 

The parchment was given to him by Dumbledore, laced with charms so only the recipient could read its true contents. It wasn't fool proof, so he couldn't say too much, but it was a start. The parchment had been sitting, forlorn on the counter top since Dumbledore had left it there the previous night. He spread it out before him in the dining room, the room silent, abandoned. The letter came slowly, but after a long time it was finished.

The letter started with this:

 

Dear Daisy,

 

You have probably figured out why I was unable to stay long. I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye. I wanted to, but the circumstances didn't allow it. I wish they had.

Severus frowned a moment, scribbling out a sentence or two here and there that followed. He unrolled the parchment further, and deciding it was finished, reread the rest of the letter.

 

I'm also sorry if I upset you the other day, asking about what was bothering you. I should not have pried, but I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Which is part of why I'm writing this letter. You don't have to tell me any details, but I want to know: Are you alright? Between the events the other day, and everything else going on because of your upcoming move home, I've been worried about you. And do not feel guilty about that. I miss you. You're my friend. Friends worry about each other. That is what they do.

My roommate is doing alright. I'm still working on getting him to open up a little about what we discussed. It is hard. I have to force myself to say anything about myself. With him, you have to give a little to get a little. He's harder to crack than some people I've come across at my evening job, and that really is saying something. On top of it all, the only one who can help fix the situation for my roommate has been so busy. We were supposed to meet, but now he's proving evasive again. I don't think he means to be. He's just got too much on his plate. Still, it is getting on my nerves.

I wish I could write more, but you know what relatives are like. Always peering over your shoulder, and the like. Hopefully we can speak more soon. I may have to abandon letters and find another way to talk with you, just for the sake of a bit of privacy from family.

 

Best of wishes,

 

Severus signed it with an illegible scribble, just for the sake of appearance. No doubt Daisy would know who the letter came from. He regretted having to make it so impersonal, but he had been warned by Dumbledore that St. Mungo's would be paying more attention to their mail, worried after the second fire of the summer and the leak by the Daily Prophet. The second fire had scored a small article in the back of the Prophet, and so far it was proven that it was not started by the same person as the first. The whole thing seemed to suggest foul play to Severus.

He had told Dumbledore his theory that it was the Auror who started it, as it seemed pretty certain that it was he who orchestrated the leak to the paper. Dumbledore had assured him that he was procuring a number of trustworthy Order affiliates to make a case for a law suit. St. Mungo's itself was trying to find a way to prepare a suit, but the trouble was, the Auror technically had not violated his contract. He invited a friend, who brought the supposed therapy dog. The Auror may have known he was an animagus, but you were allowed to invite visitors, and it was with the knowledge that they would see the place, and find out who lived there. You could not legally obliviate people who came to visit. That was why the binding contracts of confidentiality were handed out to every visitor. There was a case to be made, though, and it was only a matter until one surfaced from either, or both parties.

But Severus did not care about any lawsuit. He did not give a damn if one of such nature was won, or lost.

Words were daggers. You could take them back, pull them away and destroy them, but their damage remained, always. No method existed to erase an idea that was planted on the scale of the one in the Prophet. Lawsuit or not, the idea would grow, and the thorns would thrive, roses for those who sowed the seed, daggers and thorns for those who were sacrificed to grow them. Severus knew this well.

Severus folded his letter, sighing slightly as he slid it in an envelope and sealed it. He rubbed his tired eyes for a moment, his face reflecting in the silver goblet on the dining room table. Bloodshot eyes. Unshaven face. He looked more like Tobias every day.

Tobias.

Words are daggers.

You taught me that, Father.

The End.
End Notes:
Sorry for the long wait, folks. Midterms struck from above, their evil tendrils stealing the hands of the clock. ;) Hope the chapter was enjoyed. I definitely hope I can post another sooner too! Cheers, and thanks so much for those who have continued to read and review despite sporadic updates.


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