15th August 1980

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Severus met Albus Dumbledore’s eyes, speaking as persuasively as he could manage. “They all know I took the Mark; who’s going to trust me?”

“I have already explained the situation,” Albus replied in his patient tone. “They trust my word that you are on our side now.”

Severus still had his doubts. The thought of walking into a room filled with members of the Order of the Phoenix still terrified him. Surely they couldn’t all be as forgiving as their leader. One thing he had learned quickly about Albus Dumbledore was that he saw the best in people. How much control did he have over his followers once his back was turned? Severus had no intention of being killed or carted off to face trial by supposed allies.

Besides, the more people who knew about his new position, the bigger the chance of Lucius or Voldemort getting wind of it. Then Severus was worse than dead.

Albus squeezed Severus’ shoulder gently. “No-one’s forcing you to come, Severus. But I think it would be a good idea for you to be involved.”

“When you suggested I become a spy, I figured that just meant giving you information, not getting anyone else involved. I don’t know these people.”

“You know some of them.”

“Right. Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. I’m just dying to see them again.”

“Lily will be there,” Albus said very quietly.

Severus froze.

“All right, I’ll come.”

Albus’ eyes twinkled. “I thought you might. But, Severus …”

“What?”

“Don’t do anything … rash.”

Severus barely heard him.

-

When the two of them arrived in the top-secret Headquarters, a hushed silence fell over the crowded room. Every eye turned on Severus, and he kept his face carefully blank to hide how nervous he was getting. Albus greeted them cheerfully, ignoring the uncomfortable silence, and Severus eyed the Order members.

He spotted Lupin, Pettigrew, another old classmate called something Fenwick … then James Potter and Black, standing together. He quelled the urge to march over and give both a good hex, starting with Potter.

Black was holding a bundle of blankets that looked like it probably held a baby. The man had been breeding? The thought made Severus shudder. Forget Voldemort; that alone was a statement of alarm for the wizarding world. He dreaded to think what the child would turn out like with an idiot like that for a father.

Then his eyes finally landed on Lily, and he forgot everything else.

She looked older somehow, even though it had only been months since he last saw her. A lump arose in his throat as the memories flooded back. The most romantic evening they had had in months … followed by divorce papers on the kitchen table the next morning.

He shook his head to clear it. The meeting was beginning.

-

Severus found it almost impossible to keep his mind on the topics of discussion. His eye kept being drawn over to Lily where she sat, appearing to be paying attention to whoever was speaking, but whose eyes kept flickering over to Severus. For some reason, he also kept glancing over at Black’s prodigy, which had now been passed over to Lupin. He couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t like Severus had a good track record with babies.

He could also feel Potter’s eyes on him. When he glanced over, Severus couldn’t read the man’s expression. Severus tried very hard not to look, as every time he did, he felt anger and resentment building up again.

With all the distractions in the room, it was a wonder Severus paid as much attention as he did. He could tell most of the Order members weren’t happy about his appearance in their midst, but they held their tongues. He expected his ears would be burning later, however.

When the meeting finally ended, Severus made a beeline for Lily. He expected Potter to try and step in, and was almost hoping he would—give him an excuse to give him a black eye—but for some reason, Potter just watched from a distance, his expression still unfathomable.

“Hi,” Lily said quietly once Severus reached her.

He swallowed, tongue-tied. “Hi. Um … how have you been?”

Lily gave a small smile. “I know you don’t do small talk, Severus. But I appreciate the attempt. I’m … I’m fine.” There was some hesitation in her words.

He couldn’t stand it anymore, and cut to the chase. “Does this change anything?”

A pained look crossed Lily’s face. “Severus …”

“Lily, I-I need to know. I’m not—I’m not a Death Eater anymore. Does that change anything, for … for us?”

“Oh, Merlin.” Lily’s eyes filled with tears and she hastily wiped them away. “Severus, I’m s-so sorry …”

“Lily!” Black bounded over, baby back in his arms. “Think the little one needs a nappy—hey, are you all right?” He looked from her wet face to Severus, and his expression hardened. “Is Snivellus bothering you?”

Severus didn’t even respond to the detested nickname, his eyes fixed on the squirming bundle. A horrible feeling was gnawing in his gut.

“No!” Lily said quickly, taking the baby out of Black’s arms. “No, he’s not; and don’t call him that, Sirius, please. Could you give us a moment?”

“All right,” Black said, though he still had his eyes narrowed at Severus. “If you insist.”

Lily watched him leave, making sure he was out of earshot before turning back to face Severus. “I’m sorry, Severus. I really am.” She still sounded tearful.

“That …” Severus had his eyes fixed on the baby. “That’s …”

“That’s our Harry,” Lily said, so quietly Severus barely heard her. Slightly louder, she said, “My baby boy.”

It was as if she had stabbed him in the heart—all the pain of her leaving came back afresh. Severus knew he should just leave, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

He was too late. There was the proof.

“I think Sirius was right,” Lily said after a pause, “I think he needs to be changed. Severus, do you think you could hold him a moment?”

“What?” The last thing Severus wanted to do was hold the abomination—spawn of Potter and the woman Severus loved more than life itself—but Lily didn’t give him a choice, placing the brat—what was its name, Harry?—in his arms before he could protest. To Severus’ surprise, he instinctively pulled it close to his chest, adjusting his arms slightly to make him more secure.

“Thank you.” Lily stepped back, as if about to turn around, but paused, her eyes fixed on them. For a moment the strangest expression passed over her face at the sight of Severus holding Harry. Happy and sad at the same time.

It was then a thought started to enter Severus’ head.

He panicked, and pushed it away, far back to the darkest reaches of his mind before it even had the chance to fully form.

Lily’s expression changed, and Severus pushed the memory of it out of his mind as well. She finally turned round, saying “Be back in a moment,” and dashed over to a corner of the room that held a load of baby stuff.

Though he tried not to, Severus looked down at Potter Junior’s face. It gazed back at him, frowning out of big blue eyes, as if trying to figure out who this weird-looking stranger was he’d been left with. He whimpered slightly.

“Shush,” he said awkwardly. “She’s coming back.”

He knew from experience with Draco that babies didn’t tend to understand what you said to them. So it came to no surprise to him that Harry Potter ignored his words. Severus shifted position just to make sure he had a really secure grip—Lily would never forgive him if he dropped it. A tiny hand reached out and grasped a handful of Severus’ robe, and he froze. The baby yawned, and closed its eyes, going still.

Severus couldn’t even tell what he was feeling anymore. His heart ached more with every second, but beyond simply pain, he couldn’t discern. Maybe that was a good thing. He just needed to get out of there. Once Lily came back, he’d leave. And never come to an Order meeting again.

Lily returned with the baby changing bag, and took Harry back from a grateful Severus. Not one for goodbyes—besides, what was he supposed to say?—he turned to leave.

“Severus?”

He hesitated, no longer facing her. “Yes?”

“I am sorry,” Lily half-whispered. “But you and I … we just … can’t …” Her breath hitched. “I still—care for you. I’m so glad you’re here.”

He didn’t know how to respond. Part of him just wanted to blurt out something along the lines of, “Lily, I love you. I loved you when I was a kid, I loved you when I was a Death Eater and I still love you now. I will always love you. I can’t stand that you left me for Potter and I don’t understand how you could do that to me after swearing to stand by me no matter what. I know I was a rotten husband and I’m so sorry I didn’t see sense long ago, but I’m begging you for another chance. Whatever it was I did wrong, let me put it right. I know you’re with Potter now, I know you two have—but I still love you and I want you back more than anything. Let us work it out. I love you. I love you.”

Severus remained silent and strode to the fireplace. As he picked up the Floo, he heard a baby beginning to cry, as if it was upset he had left.

No, that was ridiculous. Just a figment of his imagination. Severus Flooed out without allowing himself to look back. He didn’t say what was going through his mind.

Fifteen months later, he regretted it.

-

As the years went by, Severus did his best not to remember their final conversation, and his lost opportunity. He did his best not to remember that Potter Junior was Lily’s son as well. He did his best to head Albus off when the conversation grew dangerously near that half-formed thought that still attempted to rear its ugly head from time to time.

There was no possible contemplating it. Albus tried to talk to Severus about it—he had seen the possibilities—but Severus would never let him get the words out. The thought was just too dangerous. A danger to Severus’ life, to the boy’s life … to Severus’ own sanity. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Sometimes, very rarely, Severus would look at Potter Junior and get a flash to the tiny baby that had fitted in Severus’ arms, and that pain would come back. That confusion of emotions he could never work out, and didn’t want to try to work out. He would push it down before it could bring up that thought, that question.

For now, it was too dangerous. He buried the whole thing deeply, as deeply as possible. It was safely tucked away in his subconscious, mostly hidden even from his conscious thoughts.

Maybe … after Voldemort was gone for good … when Lucius was gone too and Severus was free … he could uncover it then. And contemplate.