July 7, 1995

Severus poured another jar of potions ingredients into the fire, tossing the vial itself into a neutralizing potion. His annual inventory and purging of stale stock was familiar and he found the process soothing; it helped him feel connected to the world. He had spent the days after seeing Bella and learning the truth, feeling isolated from the rest of existence in a way that seemed abnormal, even for him. Unlike his usual self-isolation, this experience left him feeling set apart, stranded across an unbridgeable chasm from the rest of the world. At times he had felt trapped in a single point in time, in the moments when Bella revealed the truth and when he recovered his memories. He watched the rest of the world continue with their lives while he struggled to find a way to accept what had happened and move past the moment and forward with his life.

Only in the last day or two he began to assimilate the knowledge. Slowly, his sense of disconnection faded, leaving in him in an emotional state that was unpredictable. Sometimes his state went to violent extremes. His lack of control often left him unnerved. As a result, Severus had taken to avoiding everyone as much as possible. Much like he had done nearly fifteen years earlier. It seemed that Dumbledore was the only one who had noticed and had sought him out regularly. The elder wizard’s prodding was rapidly becoming an unwelcome but unavoidable part of Severus’ daily life.

A soft knock on the door drew Severus attention from the rote yet satisfying motions of purging his stale stock. Ignoring the sound he waited for the Headmaster to enter on his own.

“Good Morning, Severus.”

“Headmaster.” Severus replied. Although he was trying to control his tone he was unable to keep his irritation at being interrupted from coloring his tone.

“I was just wondering if you were planning to contact either Arabella or Harry this week?”

Severus froze mid-motion at the mention of his wife and son. An irrational anger built in him. Taking several regulating breaths, he forced himself to continue with his work. “No.” he stated, his voice bitter. “Why would I?”

“Family is very important, Severus.” The headmaster replied in a tone that suggested that simple sentence was the answer to all questions.

“Family? Is that what you call it?” Severus sneered at him, no longer caring about his tone. “Family is what I would have had if you had not denied me my wife and son for fourteen years!”

Severus was pleased to see how taken aback the elder wizard was; Dumbledore, however, recovered quickly.

“I suspected as much. I am sorry, Severus. I wish things could have been different for you. Your knowing the truth would have changed nothing. Harry would have had to remain with the Dursley’s. He would have been safe from the remaining Death Eaters no where else.”

“He is my son. I would have protected him.”

“You would have tried. But, I fear, in the end, it would not have been enough. Harry has been at Hogwart’s for four years now and how many times has his life been endangered? How many times have you lurked just inside that secret passage in the infirmary watching over him?”

Severus turned away from the old man. It was his way of denying the truth of the headmaster’s words.

“And what kind of life would that have been for him? Locked inside an old, drafty castle with little or no interaction with children his age? He would have been constantly stared at. Never just Harry and you know he hates that kind of attention.”

“What kind of life did he get instead, Albus? He lived in a cupboard under the stairs since he was three. At least with us he would have been loved. He would have had a real family instead of that pathetic excuse for one.” Severus hissed.

“And if something had happened to you or Arabella while you were trying to protect him? Where would he be now? He will need both of you to prepare for what is coming Severus.”

There was a long moment of silence before Dumbledore spoke again. “I have told you many times over the years why we could not bring them home my friend. You are well aware of the bias of many within the Ministry. They would never have allowed you to have custody of Harry. I am sorry, Severus. I too, would have preferred to have found another way; but alas that which is done can not be undone.”

Severus stood there, his back still turned to the headmaster. Several minutes passed in awkward silence before Severus nodded stiffly and returned to disposing of potions. He knew the Headmaster wasn’t going to leave without receiving the answer he had come for, but he wasn’t quite prepared to let go of his anger just yet. Instead he busied himself muttering about meddling old wizards. It wasn’t long before an extra set of hands joined his in the disposal process.

“Is there a particular reason you wish me to visit Arabella and Harry before they arrive here next week?”

“I just thought that perhaps you would like the chance to ease the adjustments. Get to know Harry outside of your typical environment? Let him see you as a man and not just his professor.”

Severus turned to look at the man. He had recognized the tone of voice; the elder wizard sounded amused. Severus grumbled, his suspicions were confirmed when he recognized the twinkle in the other man’s eye.

“There are many decisions you need to make as a family, Severus. For instance…”

The sound of Dumbledore’s voice faded it was drowned out by the intense shutting pain that began in his forearm and surged momentarily through his entire body. Severus slumped against his worktable he was grateful that it held his weight. He felt gentle hands guide him to a chair and he dropped into it as he tried to breathe evenly while the pain faded to its usual burning tingle.

“Are you alright? Is he summoning you?”

“Yes and yes,” was the limit of what Severus was able to say in a somewhat normal tone.

“It has never hurt you before.”

It was a statement not a question but Severus still nodded in agreement.

“I have to go.” Severus said. He rose and strode determinedly from the room. He heard the Headmaster call after him but was too focused on what was to come to truly register what was being said. As he quickly made his way to the apparition point just outside of the schools wards he considered his plan to spy for Dumbledore and the Order by returning to Voldemort's good graces. While he wished there was another way he knew this was his best chance he had to protect Harry and the rest of the Wizarding world.

A chill ran down his spine as he remembered watching Harry lying motionless in the infirmary bed just after the Third Task. When the Headmaster asked him to return to previous role in the war effort, he hadn’t hesitated. He had contacted Lucius Malfoy, and asked him to plead his case to the Dark Lord. Severus explained his absence at the first summoning, saying he was seated with Dumbledore and Fudge at the time and could not get away without raising suspicions; which was actually the truth. Over the years, Severus informed Lucius of the goings on around Hogwart's and his own actions. Painting them to appear as if everything he did was in service to the Dark Lord. He hoped that Lucius would now relay those explanations to Voldemort. Reaching his destination he said a silent prayer hoping he would survive what was coming. He also prayed that Arabella and Harry would forgive him if he failed. With that done he steeled himself for all possible outcomes and apparated.

Within minutes he found himself in a dark room. Shadows cast across the walls by the flickering fire and stray rays of light that filtered through the boarded up windows. A low, hissing voice spat the word “Crucio” and Severus’ vision swam under the intense agony that railed his body. He locked his jaw against his need to release the torture though screaming. He felt his knees buckle under the onslaught of the torment, which sent him tumbling to the ground.

An eternity later the pain began to recede as the curse upon him was released. Once again Severus tried to breathe evenly and deeply as he tried to regain his bearings. He felt the swish of the air, as Voldemort moved around him, coming finally to crouch behind his back. The Dark Lord’s cold breath raised the hair on Severus’ neck as Voldemort hissed in his ear. “Do you think I am a fool? That I do not know what you have been up to these past years? ” He felt the air move as the dark lord shifted to stand above him. “That I do not remember how you saved that Potter brat from Quirrell? That you tried to prevent me for getting the stone?”

The sound of Harry’s last name spoken in a strained and hatred filled tone filled his heart with dread and nearly caused him to panic. The image of a laughing baby Harry swam into his head and morphed into the beaten, bleeding and broken boy that had been recovered from the tournament’s third task. Severus forced the images and all the emotions they stirred from his mind. He did not want to give the looming figure any clue or sign to his true motivations.

“You have one chance. I want the locations of Potter’s little Mudblood friend. You better work fast Severus, or it will be your life that is forfeit. I will be watching you.”

Severus heard the Dark Lord move further away from him and for a moment allowed himself to hope his encounter was over. He heard the harshly whispered “Crucio” just before the burning agony washed over him and he blacked out.