Chapter eight.


/"Daddy?" a small voice called, and Severus looked over his newspaper with a smile.

"Yes Harry?" he sipped at his black coffee, and subtly eyed Harry's breakfast plate, half eaten, but more than yesterday. He happily congratulated himself on the success and gazed at his child.

Harry timidly blinked, clenching the new stiffed Rabbit in his hands.

"Do you have a question son?" Harry flushed happily and nodded.

"What is that?" he pointed to his cup, and Severus looked down to his coffee. He then glanced at Harry's glass of milk, still filled to the brim.

"This is coffee. It's a morning drink that helps Daddy go through his day, happily like you do." there was simply no other explanations, between his studies and potions, and Harry's nightmares, coffee was the only thing keeping him alive.

Harry's eyes widened and he nodded. "Is it sweet?" he asked skeptically, and eyed the murky liquid, edging over the table with his small hands. Severus folded his paper and held his chin on the palm of his hand.

"It could be, but I don't like sugar." he actually did not prefer his coffee this bitter, but he disliked both milk and sugar, and there was no way that he drank this with any kinds of pastries.

Harry licked his lips and eyed the small jar of sprinkles on the there side of the table, peering back and forth between the mug and the sprinkles. Severus let him do his thing and continued his breakfast, side glancing at Harry.

"Can I have some please?" the child looked immediately taken back, and averted his eyes, his hands clenching on the toy and his breaths picking up a little. Severus felt torn, Harry was too young to have coffee, but also too shy to ever request something this openly again. Harry was very fragile, and Severus had no intentions of blowing the child's hopes.

"This is a grownup drink, but you may have a little sip." a small sip won't do much damage, Severus supposed and reasoned with himself. Although, even if it did matter, seeing Harry's wide smile was definitely worth it.

"Do you want me to sweeten it?"

Harry shook his head, his cheeks still flushed. "No Daddy. But... B... But, can I have some sprinkles in it?" he threw a shying glance towards the jar, and Severus did a double take.

Sprinkles? In coffee?

Upon seeing Harry's hopeful green eyes, the new Dad slowly relented and took the jar, he only intended to throw in a few for Harry, but changed his mind and dumped a decent amount of the colorful sprinkles in his mug. He watched them float in the substance and gulped.

Most would call him crazy for doing what he did next, but Harry cheered, clapping his hands and showing off his small baby teeth. As ridiculous as it seemed, Severus couldn't be more giddier to find Harry proud of him.

Severus smiled back and took the mug, Harry watched as the man, took a tentative sip, and then another. Severus smiled. It actually tasted quite good, though he'd rather die than admit that to anyone but Harry.

The child hoped off his seat and nervously walked to his lap, Sev smiled wider and hoisted him on his lap, he carefully handed the mug to the small cold hands.

"Be careful alright? It's a little hot." he helped Harry with the mug and watched his expression carefully, Harry giggled as he took a big gulp, spluttering on his drink. He drew a face at the bitter taste before the sprinkles melted in his mouth.

"It's good!" he exclaimed, and took another sip, draining it faster than Severus had seen anyone drinking something so bitter.

"I don't know, if I'm the best Daddy for giving you both /sprinkles/ and /coffee/ in the morning Harry, or the worst Daddy."

Harry giggled and drew back, coffee dripped down his chin, and his eyes crinkled.

"Best Daddy. You're my best Daddy." he hugged him, snuggling softly to his chest, and Severus relaxed, embracing the child in his warm embrace.

"And you're the best Harry, a Daddy could ever find baby boy."

He smelled in the baby shampoo and felt the small boy shift in his arms. His child. His. And no one else's. /


Xx


"How is your ice cream?" Severus asks as a way to distract Harry from the crowd, the blazing sun shines upon them and the weather is very hot for August. Severus vaguely hopes that September at Hogwarts would be better. If he passed the job interview, that is.

Harry shrugs. "It's very good."

"Which one you like the best?hmm?" Severus asks, remembering a chapter about choices in his book. It was important to let the child decide for himself, specially someone as withdrawn as Harry.

Harry however takes it the wrong way and stammers. "I like them all. It's very good. Thank you." it all sounds like a well rehearsed speech and Severus hates it. Knowing that this was the gratitude speech drilled in Harry's mind since he was a child.

"Personally I like the chocolate though, what about you?" Severus doesn't give up, he has to make progress, or at least loosen Harry up a little for Albus's arrival. Harry didn't do so well with strangers.

"I don't like chocolate." Harry answers hesitantly, looking like he was ready to be struck, and Severus freezes for a moment.

"it's okay, people can have different tastes Harry, there is nothing wrong with that, I actually don't like vanilla that much." just to prove his point, Snape pulls and face and Harry giggles a little, wiggling in his seat.

"I... I like mint." Harry stutters and Severus smiles.

"Well that's something I need to remember huh?" before Harry could response, a familiar jovial voice calls him from the behind. Severus stands and turns to face the headmaster, unusually nervous all of a sudden.

"Headmaster." he greets, shaking the man's wrinkled hand. Dumbledore smiles and waves him off. He takes a seat across Harry.
"It's just Albus my boy." Severus nods and rubs Harry's arm for comfort.

"And this must be Harry! What a beautiful child!" Harry sinks farther down in his chair, the spoon clenched in his hand. Severus bit the inside of his cheek, adamant to let Harry introduce himself.

"Hullo... Sir, I...." he shyly glances at Severus beneath his bangs and then peers at Albus.

"I'm Harry."

"Well Hello Harry! Would you like a lemon sherbet?" the man offers a fistful of tiny round candies and Severus nearly has a flip. Those would ruin Harry's teeth! However, he stays silent and in alarm for Harry's reaction.

The child shakes his head timidly, and takes his rabbit. "No, thank you sir." he looks at Severus for confirmation and he just smiles in response.

Albus grins and pops a few in his own mouth, his eyes twinkling as he caught the small boy hugging the stuffed animal to his chest.

"And who is that young rabbit over there?" he nods at the rabbit and Harry bites his lip, quivering a little.

Severus itches to intervene, but Harry doesn't seem really disturbed, and it's better for him to have conversation with other adults, so he lets it happen.
"I... I... I don't have a name...." he looks down at the rabbit, and his eyes narrows, and Severus just knows he's seconds away from crying in confusion.

Severus clears his throat, not able to resist anymore. "May we proceed Albus?"

Albus nods jovially, striking his beard thoughtfully. "Absolutely my boy. Let's see the papers shall we?"

Severus awkwardly clears his throat again, and purses his lips. "Actually, can you please excuse me for a moment? I brought Harry's coloring book..."
Albus nods, and Severus turns away from him, Harry immediately looks relieved that he didn't have to listen in their conversation and not be the center of attention anymore.

Severus feels like one of those fanatic parents, as he takes out the shrunken coloring book, Harry's pencil case and engorges them. He had actually brought a whole kit with himself, containing some fresh clothes, Harry's favorite snacks, and even a light blue quilt Harry had claimed, all shrunken in his robes. Others would call him crazy if they knew half the things he carried on himself.

Harry doesn't seem to complain though, and takes the coloring book, Severus leans out of his seat, setting the pencil kit for Harry, and brushing his hair.

"Can you color something for Daddy while I'm talking? We can put it on the fridge when we got home, hmm?"

Harry looks immensely relieved, nods and takes the rabbit on his lap, quite busy with choosing a picture.

Sighing in relief, the potion master turns to Dumbledore, who is watching them with a fond smile, and clears his throat.

"Pardon me Albus."

The man waves him off, and accepts Severus's folder, containing his document.

Severus is proud of himself the moment he sees Harry both eating his ice cream openly and coloring with his other hand, softly humming to himself as any other child would.

Severus's about to get a job, has a son, and life couldn't be more perfect.

Because Harry was his and no one else's.

Xx

Severus was devastated. Crushed. And had no idea what he should do next. His eight year old child had been lying motionless on his bed for a whole day, catatonic and not responsive to anything.

Severus was going mad, unknown emotions swirled in his body and his mind was restless. If Severus didn't know any better, he would've thought that the child was cursed, lying on his side, barely blinking, his face disturbingly blank.

He was seconds away from breaking down himself and contacting a mind healer, or a regular one, but didn't dare to do so, since it was what set Harry off in the first place. Severus had done everything he could, he begged and pleaded, he brought him his favorite foods in bed, Severus shed tears and almost mind raped his son before he stormed out of the room just seconds ago.

Everything had been normal, he woken up, went through his morning routine and right up to breakfast when he realized that Harry wasn't there, thinking that the child was sleeping in, Severus gave the boy another twenty minutes before he got restless and checked on him.

He was facing the door, still in his yesterday's attire and lying on the covers, Severus immediately panicked, thinking that the child was sick, frantically he called Harry, to tell him what was wrong, where did it hurt, and why wasn't he talking to him. None of the questions were answered, Harry didn't even look at him, his gaze was intently on the wall, blinking every now and then.

Minutes bled into hours and hours went on and on and on, for Severus it seemed like a downward spiral of depression and fear, the crushing sense of realization and helplessness hit him in a form of a cold sharp knife as he berated himself for his own stupidity and ran back into the room.

He would contact Pomfrey first, he had to. He couldn't just leave the child to fend for himself all day in a bed until he had woken up from his stupor. He dropped a fistful of floor powder and then halted, hearing small stifled sobs from the room.

He forgot the flames, and knocked over the furniture trying to get to the room as fast as possible. He felt like crying with relief, as he saw Harry sitting, face buried in his knees.

Oh, God. He cursed, half in relief and half in weariness, having no idea what had just happened. He approached the small boy cautiously and hugged him when the child didn't protest.

Thank god, thank merlin, thank you. That was all he could think about, he didn't care about reasons, he didn't care about what had just happened, or that he had almost lost his son. Severus thanked every God he could think of and just embraced the child, vowing that he would never want to see the child like that, never.
Later he discovered what they were, fits of depression, they sent Harry laying emotionless for hours to no end, over every trigger word that came from the Dursleys or the Potters, Severus didn't take any chances and tried to call a mind healer, that was what had sent Harry into his eight hours of mental shut down.

He never even mentioned them again, selfishly not wanting to feel the fear and dread he had felt that day, he learned the triggers instead, he slept with Harry in those bad nights instead, instead of forcing healers on Harry, Severus educated himself, he was no professional, but again, Harry was no ordinary child.

Severus vowed that he would never let Harry drift away, he would be Harry's anchor, he would keep him in check and as healthy as possible, he wouldn't let Harry remember his past, by snapping new pictures and sweeping him off his feet, by creating new memories and adoring his son, giving him a childhood, neither had as a child, keeping him as happy as possible while being the perfect parent.

He was the perfect parent.

And for those fleeting years that passed, Severus slowly started to believe that, he could take on any demons Harry had, be it depression or anxiety and self doubt, Severus would conquer them all. He would keep Harry all to himself as selfish and narrow-minded as it sounded.

Harry was his and no one else's.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


/"We can't tell him." no matter how many times he said this, the realization never dawned on him, they had delayed their vacation for another week and claimed that Janet's grandfather had died as an excuse. Because Severus didn't know how to return, how to explain this to Harry.

Because Harry wouldn't understand, Severus didn't blame him, not at all. But this didn't solve their problem. Harry was bound to find out someday, maybe the day they got married, or when he snoops around or the canines accidently tell him...

The possibilities were endless, but the main issue was not at all that simple.

"Then what are going to do?" she pulled at her hair, looking as exhausted as he was feeling on the inside.

They had spent two hours screaming at each other, arguing, yelling, exclaiming, until they were late to catch the last portkey back to England, and had to stay.

"What do you want me to do? I can't lie to him."

"You're not lying, technically she's not a problem, we can pull it off if we're careful..."

"What about Black? You said that the Bastard knows." he didn't even know why he was having this conversation now. When every cell in his body seethed at him to break up with her then and there. But he couldn't, for some reason.

"He wouldn't want to hurt him Severus, but I understand if you..."

She's already crying and Severus feels like it too. "I'm just saying that we have to tell him." and we can't.

"He didn't remember me Sev, why should we ruin that for him?"

Now that was a good question, if Harry didn't remember Janet in any shapes or forms there was no reason for him to suffer from the knowledge. Again, he brushed off the voice, telling him to break up with her.

"We can't pull it off. I can't lie to him."

"We just have to be careful Sev, and you're right, we can't tell him yet.."

Severus had trouble fighting off his inner conflicts, betrayal and dread against his love and passion for both of them. He didn't want Harry to be in pain, he didn't want his son to suffer, and why tell him something as big as this, when he could just break up with her eventually?

Although the last theory seemed less tempting everyday, specially when he caught himself thinking about words like marriage, and commitment.

"But what then? What are /you/ going to do?" Janet pursed her lips for a moment.

"You know I regretted what I've done. I will make if up to him, when the time is right Sev."

"Make it up to him? How?" he wasn't sure any amounts of apologies would mild his son over, no matter how good hearted he was.

Janet hesitated again, looking a little embarrassed and flushed. "I show him first, you know... Be the mother figure he might need." she blushed heavily and pulled at her clothes, crossing her legs. Severus frowned but said nothing.

Was she hinting at him? That despite everything, she wanted a family with him and Harry? Severus didn't know how to feel about that, he felt like he was betraying his son by not breaking this up immediately after learning who she really was, but in all honestly, Janet couldn't be counted as an abuser, as Lily was abusing Harry way before that.

But that was no excuse, she should have reported something, she should have saved Harry, saved his son. His mind countered back again by thinking ; she did help him, she pushed them into disowning Harry eventually, Harry was here now, Harry was safe, with him...

The past was the past, and all had their regrets, who was he to judge, when he was so full of mistakes himself? He was a deatheater. No crime was above what he had done in his youth, and no amount of regret would bring back the ones he had wronged. But Harry forgave him, Harry loved him...
Could he give her a chance?

"We have to tell him someday." he said with finality. We will tell him someday. He thought, Harry would forgive and move on. Harry was strong.
Harry was his and no one else's.



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


"How is he?" Severus didn't take his red rimmed eyes off Harry's moving chest.

"The same." his throat was croaky, and his mouth felt like a desert. He was terribly thirsty, and had been sitting here, in this uncomfortable hospital chair for what seemed like ages, with no grasp of time other than counting the times Harry has breathed since he was lucid enough to count. Self destructing himself as he realized that Harry wasn't breathing on his own every time he counted.

After the chaos he had caused with the nurses, none of them saw it fit to at least hand him a cup of coffee, or a drop of water, not that Severus cared, but the exhaustion doubled with thirst lingering in his foggy mind made him think about weird things. Like how the sheet's bright orange color didn't match with Harry's skin, or the way Harry's mouth was never open as he slept. It made him wonder where all that drool, that Harry had smeared all over his robes at stormy nights when he was a child came from.

He rubbed his face and sighed. Even his word order seemed off. Shaking his head, the potion master got back to his counting. Where was he? Oh yeah, Two thousand and thirty one...

Inhale.... Exhale... Two thousand and thirty two...

"Severus." her voice was shrill compared to the soft wheeze of Harry's breathing and Severus found himself oddly angry about it. It disturbed his nice, comfortable, and confined mental cocoon he had created for himself.

"What?" two thousand and thirty three. It was funny how he thought counting was an odd coping mechanism. It really wasn't. It even had this consolatory sense of purpose to it, Severus knew that he was counting, but didn't know why or how long he would do so, it was a good propose, with loads of loose ends. He knew why Harry liked it now. He didn't have to put any effort to it.

"Severus!" his fiance shook him by the shoulders.

Severus huffed and turned to face her, irritated and exasperated to the point of sneering.

"What is it?" he didn't know who he was angry at, himself or Janet, or even Harry. He recoiled, not Harry. Never Harry. He mentally apologized to his son again and bit his lips.

Janet rolled her eyes. "You haven't been listening to a word I just said, have you?" she handed him a plastic mug, filled with murky dark substance that Severus assumed was coffee. He wrinkled his nose, the smell was /disgusting/, and there was no sprinkles in sight.

"I asked ' how is he? And when are they going to transfer him? Others want to see him too. '" she didn't look at Harry herself, and Severus got the impression that she was more ashamed than disgusted by Harry's appearances.

"Others?" surely it was too late to be here, the hospital would not have allowed them to stay after visiting hours, Severus threw a massive tantrum for the same reasons.

"Arthur and Molly. Black and Lupin went to get the Weasley kids." she clarified and sat down on Harry's bed, balancing herself on the very edge as to not disturb Harry. She looked a little taken back as she noticed the empty jars and vials on Harry's side table. Severus pointedly ignored her.

"The kids? He's not allowed to have visitors." even if he was allowed, Severus wouldn't allow a bunch of fourteen years old watch his son like a freak show. None of the adults had even dared to ask in the following hours, and Severus was not about to let anyone other than the healer to touch his son.

"No, they're babysitting, apparently the twins have pranked their aunt Mouriel, she was so pissed off that she called Arthur to come and get the kids. Black was going to the ministry anyway, so agreed to leave them with Lupin." She explained in one go and downed her own cup. Severus just shook his head and turned his face back to Harry's bandaged chest, subconsciously adding up the numbers he missed.

"When is he going to wake up?" she took his cup and drank that too, having figured that it might as well not go to waste. Severus knew this must be her twentieth_ish cup by now.

"When the potions wear off. It might take up to seven hours."

"Great, that's plenty of time." she declared and waved her wand, disposing of the empty mugs. Severus blinked and stared at her blankly.

"For what?" he couldn't fathom anything else they needed to get done. As far as he was aware the paper work was done, the bills were all payed and Janet had bought the necessary potions three hours ago. What did they miss?!

Janet saw his internal conflict and shook her head quickly.

"For you to get cleaned up. Honestly, we look like homeless people Severus."

The potion master shook his head and grasped the limp hand lying on the bed across him. Clutching it as though it might disappear.

"I'm not leaving." the tip of the blackened fingers peaked out of the gauze, and if Severus wasn't already so spent, he would have cried again. Every time he saw a remnant of the ruined state his son was in, he was drowned in guilt and his overactive imagination, replaying his small child huddled in a tree, shivering... He inhaled. Counting seemed much more simple and straightforward.

"We are in our night robes, you need a shave and a shower and preferably some sleep too."

Now that she said it like that, Severus noticed that she had the same appearances as well, although she looked a little better. She must have cleaned up with magic. He realized.

"I'm not leaving him." even if the dark lord himself walked to the ward, and put him at wand point, Severus didn't give a crap. He had to be here with his own son, where he was needed, he would never leave. Never. Except for when Harry wanted him to leave. He cringed, that was a different matter.

"Severus you smell, and you're exhausted. Trust me, Harry won't want you looking like this, and it's not like we're leaving him. Arthur and Molly are here." her argument seemed fairly reasonable, but not tempting enough for Severus to leave his post.

"Use magic. I don't care."

"Please, just get some rest, eat something..."

"No." again Severus found it funny how fatigue played out his personalities the way a child's did. Harry would've laughed his butt off, hearing him sound like a hufflepuff brat.

"You're acting like a child Sev, Harry's not going to wake up by you sitting here, moping. And honestly? You look horrid as much as you act like it, you won't believe the nasty things the nurses said on my way here. I think your attitude will mild over a little if you eat, so...."

"I do not have an attitude."

"You yelled at them. They just wanted to check his vitals, and you yelled like they were murdering you."

"They were manhandling my child!" his eyes flashed, remembering the nurses groping at his child, his son, who hated to be touched. He seethed inwardly and promised himself a good revenge.

"They were giving him shots!" she exclaimed, mouth wide open in disbelief.

"Harry doesn't like needles." he also did not like banshee like step mothers screeching near his bed as he slept, or didn't like to sleep with only one pillow under his head like it was now, he often confessed that his neck always ached when he did so, Severus would have asked for some extra pillows, but those damn nurses...

"He is unconscious, he isn't going to know, or care. Please, you seem really disoriented. Just come with me..." Severus frowned, her tone sounded off, like she was holding back, but then again he could be imagining things again.

"I am not leaving. You can talk all you want, but I'm not leaving him here."

"This is a hospital Sev, not Azkaban, it's literally swarming with healers and professionals. nothing is going to happen, and the Weasleys are here to keep watch..."

"The last time I trusted them with my son, he nearly got stumped to death!" his agitation alarmed Harry, and he shifted a little, whimpering. Severus instantly calmed down, his eyes wide on the heart monitor.

"You're being unreasonable. You need to clean up and change your clothes Severus. Look at yourself!"

"You go by yourself, I'm not coming." he untangled his hand from Harry's and leaned back in that damn chair. Janet cursed loudly and closed her eyes.

"You're just making their jobs easier, Black and Lupin are just looking for you to slip. /This/ is exactly the kind of thing they can use in the court! You can't let them know that, so get up now snape." she snapped and grabbed him by the shoulders, Severus remained speechless. It stung. Because he had been considering his options for a while, and honestly... Maybe adoption was a bad idea from the start.

"Can't I?" he muttered, and brushed her off, he stared at Harry intently, drinking in every detail that he might have missed, even though, he wanted to retch his guts out as he watched the face. It would heal, the healers reassured him, but would it really? From what Severus could see, the burns were really bad, and they were already healed, the skin was... Well, kind of mismatched in tone colors, the replaced areas were paler than Harry's original face color, and the scalp was completely red, as if Harry had shaved and dumped his head in paint, and then creased his head like an unfolded shirt.

He swallowed the lump in his throat grievously.

"Severus? What the hell are you talking about?"

"We should let them." True that Lupin was a werewolf, but honestly, the danger Harry had been while under his care would be half of what he was suffering from now. He should've let them take Harry to Australia. Sure, the child would hate him, but at least he wouldn't have to look like a warmed up corpse with bandaged eyes.

"Are you barking mad?! Severus, this is /Harry/ we're talking about here." she gestured wildly to Harry, and Severus sneered, as if he needed another reminder.

"Look at him Janet, and look at me. He doesn't belong with me, or you. He's hurting." it killed him to admit that, actual physical pain, to admit that Harry needed someone else other than him. His heart missed a few beats as it protested against his ribs.

He remembered every time he held Harry, every time he snapped Harry a picture without him even knowing, pictures that both claimed was embarrassing, but really liked it. Severus wondered if he had been fooling himself by taking those pictures, or buying Harry things that he didn't need, tricking himself with hugs and kisses, as if nothing wrong with his son.

There was something wrong with Harry. For years. He had suffered from anxiety his whole life, had been abused and belittled to the point of sever depression. And Severus had done nothing to cure that, to help Harry, get him a therapist, give him the help he so badly needed. He admitted to himself, that maybe it was because of his aberrant need to care for his child all by himself.

He realized, now, that how much he /wanted/ Harry to depend on him, to seek his help, his touch, he needed Harry to need him, because Severus felt /wanted/. As a cynical person whose only purpose in life was brewing potions, that felt like a lot. But he loved every second of it, he /lavished/ the small boy fawning over him, looking up to him, running to him when he was scared, safe in his arms.

He engulfed in giddiness whenever Harry had looked at him with pride, as every parent rightfully would, he was sad when his son was down, and jovial when Harry smiled. Harry was his fleck of sunshine. He made Severus's bitter life into a whole new world, he gave him love and loosened him to be himself, to be goofy, long around in pyjamas all day and drink his coffee with sprinkles because Harry wanted him to.

Harry had made his stiff, boring and plain looking life, into an adventure, and Severus had ruined that, he had taken advantage of Harry. He had /neglected/ Harry by denying him the mental help he needed, and because of that Harry might not even make it to his fifteenth birthday.

Even if he pulled through this, he still had to deal with the anxiety of the daily life with Snape, now with the new heart problems and deformities (his fault entirely) which endangered his life every time he had a panic attack , he had to deal with normal teenager issues, he had to deal with living with his abuser's sister and her child in a twisted sense of irony and not complain, because he simply couldn't risk getting worked up about it and getting a heart attack.

Harry wouldn't have that problem if he went with the canines.

"You're kidding. Severus you're barking mad, you're far worse than I actually thought, come on, we're going to get you some sleep." Janet rubbed his back and nudged him to stand, but Severus remained in his chair.

"He won't live with me after this. I can't allow it."

"Why the hell not?! Severus you literally spent /months/ trying to get custody of him and now you're giving him up?!" her incredulous tone was enough to snap Severus out of his self pitying nest and into a new fit of rage.

"And where is he now?! In a hospital bed, /dying/." his voice cracked with emotion, his throat thick with the sob trying to burst through.

"He will pull through, the healer said..."

"The healer said that he might stay like this for the rest of his life, that he might have a heart attack at every flipping panic attack! That's what that Bastard said!" the thought made him nauseous again, making him, utterly sick and tired of comparing the six year old Harry to the Harry lying in front of him. The difference was tragic and startling.

Janet stuttered, looking taken back. "We can get through this..."

"Not /we/, Janet. Not /we/. You have no right to say something like that when you might as well be the reason for his condition." he was being harsh and
unreasonable, but he was hurting and in pain. He had the right to lash out and be angry, even if it hurt her.

"I told you the whole story...." Janet pleaded, looking him honestly in the eyes.

"A full year after we were together. What else haven't you told me?" in his exhausted state of mind, he had no idea what he was saying, this conversation was rather irrelevant to their situation situation and utterly unnecessary.

"What the hell are you talking about now Sev?"

"You and Lily were awfully alike, it's surprising that you had nothing to gain out of this deal. Isn't it?" at the mention of his best friend and his son's abuser, Severus felt glad that he hadn't drunken that coffee.

"What are you....?"

"So you mean to tell me that you just consulted her out of the goodness of your heart?! That you constantly examined a poor abused child, claimed him a squib, right in front of your eyes and clamped your lips shut as if nothing was wrong?!"

"I never took a knut from Lily Severus. Never! I told you, I was young and naive..." she exclaimed, looking worked up, tired, miserable and ready to cry. Severus knew with a pang of guilt that she was still pregnant.

"And poor. You pushed them to disown him," he accused her nonetheless.

"I was scared for his life! They were killing him! Disowning him was a blessing Severus..."

"They left him in the streets!" flashes of that night came to the front of his mind, and Severus shuddered.

"Why are we arguing about this?! Severus open your eyes, he is fourteen now, you saved him! you are his father! You can't let them take him again."

"Black is his godfather, and I'm a deatheater, engaged to his abuser, and almost the cause of his untimely death and permanent damage! The court might as well just hand him over to the wolf on a silver platter!" he felt dizzy, disoriented and irrationally angry. Harry shifted again, sensing the unease tension.

Janet grasped his face and turned it to Harry. "Then fix it! Severus I love you. I /told / him that I love you. He /asked/ me, he made me promise that I wouldn't abandon you. But if it's best for him, maybe you can end things with me. I want you to see, to know, that I'm not taking over your son. I don't want to ruin his life."
"I can't." he muttered, and brushed her off.

"We can make it work somehow, the baby..." she looked at Harry, trailing off.

"I can't let you go. I can't decide between you and my own son." he hated himself, to the core and back, he hated himself.

"Severus..."

"And it's not like my opinion matters anymore, Harry would never want to see me again." he had lost count, and he was still panicked. Counting had been pointless.

"He loves you, Severus he is going to forgive you." same words as Albus's heartfelt speech. Utter crap.

"I lied to him, plain and simple, he hates me." he did, Harry hated him enough to run away, dosed with a sedative, and even leave a note. That was true hate behind that note, the one still crumbled in his pocket.

"You're giving up on him." she accused, looking ready to slap him. Severus couldn't care less.

"I've been down right cruel to him, all these months. You know what's the worst part?" he smiled bitterly, with no humor. Feeling his heart strings clench in pain.
"I don't feel any remorse, I did for Harry though, I would give my life to keep him safe, but I don't feel any remorse for hiding this from him... For not taking his side of things, getting him a therapist..." he was a monster, he felt like it. He felt like he had been neglecting Harry.

"You're only human Severus." she interrupted him and he bristled.

"What is the difference between me and the Potters then? Janet I /lied/ to him, I brushed his depression off as it was just a phase, I ignored him, I almost drove him to his death, I hit him..."

I hit him. He had struck Harry in the face. No matter how long ago it had happened, it still shocked him to the core, he hit Harry...

"Once. You only struck him once Severus. You were angry..." Her reasoning was interrupted again.

"Nothing, nothing gives me the right to raise a hand on my son. I humiliated him on his birthday, I hit him Janet. I promised I would never hit him." he had promised. He broke the one promise he swore to keep. The injustice of it all made him feel more helpless and disgusted as ever.

"He forgave you." he surged to his feet again, Harry shifted uneasily.

"Did he? Did he forgive us? Janet, we might have apologized for our misgivings and neglect, but I should've known better...." glancing at Harry, he soothed him with a hand on his chest, closing his eyes.

"Known what?"

"Known Harry. I have been vile, crude even... I basically tore into his mind, I made him feel unsafe, threatened enough to run away, I drove him to the woods, I pushed him into liking you, I pressured him on staying, I..." he had wronged Harry.

He was right that night. If Severus cared for Harry, he wouldn't have done that, he wouldn't put Harry through this.

"You helped him off the streets, you camped out in the ministry for months for his custody, you sat right next to him night after night, you cared for him when he was sick, you over came your own bitterness to care for him, you /love/ him. He's your child Severus."

"He's far better off with Black and Lupin, they can do all those things without getting him killed in the process." the mutt seemed to care for Harry, and his child would be better off with them. Away from here and all this mess. He felt Janet hit him across the neck and turned in a flash, facing her red and narrowed eyes.

"Can they relate to him? Can they help a fourteen year old teenager? Not just any teenager, Harry? You and I both know that Harry is not fourteen, he is all but a child in his mind. Look at me in the eyes, and tell me that those two dogs are capable of taking care of our son. Tell me that they will raise Harry into a fine young man, way better than you did." she hissed, her nails digging in his shoulders and her hair flowing in her face.

"I..."

"You can't. I told you that I'm willing to let you go for him and I meant it..."

"But I'm not!" his voice was louder than he intended to, and Harry pulled in another sharp breath on his bed.

"Well then, what is your problem?!"

"I can't force you on /him/! He's traumatized by you! Breaking things off with you isn't going to help the matters!" this time, Harry's whimper went unnoticed in the heat of their fight.

"Then what will? Giving him up to a pair of irresponsible baboons? Who allegedly left him all by himself in the middle of the night, not to mention in a cursed house, to come and throw a row with their school rival in a fit of petty rage?!"

"He would be..."

"What, fine? What has gotten into you?! First you vow to never let them touch Harry over his rotting corpse and now you're handing him over as if he's nothing but a used handkerchief? Get over yourself and have some logic!"

"You're the one to say! You might not be the abuser, but you were a direct cause! How do you expect Harry... Or anyone to live with that?!" even by his standards that was cruel. He would not force that on Harry. Not anymore.

"I saved him! He wouldn't have been alive at all if I hadn't pushed them into disowning him!"

"Instead of just reporting abuse to the ministry like any other normal person would?! You claim to be so average and normal and yet...." they were so many loopholes, so many things he did remember Janet mentioning, but could not recall now.

"You think my word had any credit against James Potter's ? You think I visited Lily on purpose for my own sick pleasure to see a child being beaten around?! No Severus! I went because I owed her! I owed that bitch, my hands were tied!" she kept her voice down as her hand brushed against the bandaged hand lying next to hers.

"You told Lily..." Janet shook her head, intervening once again.

"Harry didn't see what he think he saw Severus. He was a child, he was traumatized, I barely saw him twice after the first meeting, I didn't even talk to him directly..." Janet emphasized each sentence, her breath short.

"That is not the point here, what am I supposed to do? He will be homeless, tossed into foster care if I refuse to give him to Black and Lupin or if he keeps running away..." he argued back, almost completely forgetting about Harry's presence.

"Then don't! We can fix this together! Just..."

"Stop, just stop talking, it's bothering him." he suddenly noticed the heart monitor, and frowned, it was too soon for Harry to wake up, it must be the tension. He instantly felt a pang of guilt, whereas Janet just shook her head.

"You think it's the argument?!" Severus sneered.

"What else could it be?! His damn pain medic...... Oh shit!" the counting. He realized with horror. He had lost count! He was supposed to give Harry the pain potion at nine, and had counted his time away instead of getting a watch. Damn!

"What is it?" She looked back and forth between them as Severus frantically spelled the vial in the IV. Looking crushed with guilt.

"What time is it?! Tell me now!" he wanted to know how late he was, how long he should berate himself again, for leaving Harry in pain while he was just standing /there/, arguing!

"Nine thirty?" she stated, catching up with him.

Severus cursed, and closed his eyes. Thirty minutes. His conversation with Janet had lasted about ten minutes, and Severus had missed out the other twenty minutes. Harry had been uncomfortable for thirty minutes. More the reason you should let him go you git, he thought to himself savagely. The healer was going to kill him after he did it himself.

"Oh merlin, it's okay Harry! It's okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I forgot the pain potion. Oh god, I'm such an idiot..."

"Do you want me to call a nurse?" she looked ready to bolt, her pupils wide and clear despite the dark hollows under her eyes.

"No, I was supposed to give it to him, I'm so sorry Harry, Daddy's so sorry..." he stroked the head gently, feeling the creases under his fingers, and once again felt overwhelmed. Janet paused, looking at his wrist.

"You don't have a watch." she stated the obvious, her tone baffled and dumbstruck. Severus rolled his eyes and barked at his fiance.

"I was counting before you decided to interrupt me woman!" he was so stupid, he should've just let the nurses give him the shots, he screwed up again, he didn't deserve Harry.

"You were counting?! Severus...!"

"Shush! Can't you see it's agitating him?! Shut up!" Severus loomed over the child protectively, his eyes narrowed in concentration. Janet ignored him.

"I'm calling a nurse, and you are coming with me, you're no good to Harry like this." Severus glared savagely.

"I'm not leaving."

"Don't be an idiot." she turned towards the door, and marched to the door.

"You're the idiot for abandoning him." she continued, her tone strange and unrecognizable.

"I'm not." he protested. He was many things, a traitor, a spy, a Bastard and a cruel person on the top of that, but he wasn't stupid.

Janet pursed her lips, looking like she was about to drop a bombshell. Severus stilled, and she hesitated before walking the distance back to him.

"You are, you have no idea how big this mess can get Severus." this sounded like her last warning.

"Potters can plead custody of Harry again." she said it in one breath, her posture stiff and her eyes wide. Severus nearly had a heart attack, he sputtered. He didn't hear her right, that was the only explanation. The thirst was taking its toll.

"What?" he sank down in his chair, flabbergasted, a cold chill ran down his spine. And Severus /shook/.

Janet gulped, licking her lips, she shook her head.

"Rhetorically he is disowned for his lack of magical abilities, he's not a squib now, they know that Severus... We can't..." she stammered, looking as helpless as he felt. The potion master was still in shock, what the hell?!

"What in the merlin's name are you talking about?!" was this a cruel prank?! Because if it was, Snape was going to kill each and every one of them no matter the consequences. This was bullshit, unreal, mad... He cursed loudly.

Janet continued guiltily.

"Black wants to put you on court, and the Potters can still reclaim him if you are deemed unfit Severus. Legally, even if Black wins the trial the Potters can take him back as his biological parents. Have you thought of that? Potters disowned him because he was a squib, now that they know he's not..."
Quite the opposite. Harry was more powerful than he was, always had been... He felt his head spin again.

"You are not serious Janet. I adopted him." he had spent months convincing the ministry, he had tolerated endless meetings with social workers, the sheer stress he had felt then, did not compare to what he was feeling now.

"Harry kept his name Severus, technically he is still a Potter. James can easily buy the court to testify against us." that filth was rich enough to buy the ministry if he wanted to, oh merlin. They were screwed, all of them... Harry couldn't go back! Harry couldn't go back there! He jumped to his feet, and seized his hair.

"But I filed for abuse, I gave them evidence! We had a lawyer, Harry is not allowed to even see them or talk to them..." he babbled, sneaking a glance at his son every few seconds. Harry was alive. He repeated. Harry was safe. Harry was his.

"He can, if you lose the court. Harry is basically the key here, and Black just went to demand a custody plea..."

"Did he know what hell he's doing?! They will kill Harry!" that bloody moron! That mutt just ruined everything! Potter would kill Harry, Harry couldn't survive that, he couldn't. Harry was a child, not a doll being passed around.

"I'm so sorry Severus, I tried to tell them that but even Lupin didn't listen, we just have to wish for the best. And we can't let Harry demand trial, we can't let him go, even if he wants that." she stared at Harry, with determination and desperation mixed on her face, looking shaken up, and lighter, now that she'd told him the truth.

"What am I going to do?" what was he going to do?! Why couldn't they just take a break?! Why couldn't Harry just have a normal, quiet life?! His son wasn't even conscious yet and Severus was losing him again.

Janet stopped him with a hug, she pressed a firm kiss to his temple before drawing back. Her face painted with fierce persistence only Evans could possess. She took a deep breath. Pulling herself together.

"You're going to go home, get some rest and then come back here to talk with Harry." she ordered firmly, and tried to drag him with her.

"I explain everything as soon as we quit this homeless expression." she threw a disgusted look at their appearances and opened the door.

"I'm still not leaving." Harry needed him here, he was not leaving, he couldn't leave now, that he knew /they/ could have him, not when Black just ruined everything...

Janet snapped him out of his thoughts again with a loud sigh.

"Sev, we need a plan. We are in this together."

"I really want to make up to Harry, no matter how long it takes. So stop being like Black and go home for at least half an hour."

"But who...?" he took a longing glance at his child and trained off.

"I keep watch, you come back and then I'll go with the Weasleys, we'll see what we can do next."

"Harry." it came out more like a plea, than a grunt of resistance.

"He will be fine, Severus think ahead, please." she seemed to know that a shower would snap him back into character. Severus knew that he needed a clear head, he needed his ambitious, and his cunning abilities to be a strong parent Harry needs. He couldn't screw up, not again.

As if reading his mind Janet nodded.

"I don't care if he hates us. We are his parents. Not the Potters. Yes Severus, /we/ are his parents."


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


/"Just sit still!" Harry pouted, squirming on the couch. Severus sighed in exasperation, shuffling the camera to his other hand.

"Why are you making this difficult? We take pictures all the time."

Harry pouted again, fumbling with his black tie. "Tomorrow I'll go away to Hogwarts, I'm nervous out of my mind and you want a photograph out of my misery?" he sighed dramatically, sniffing.

"We've been over this Harry, this is your last night as an unsorted student. Of course I want a picture."

"What if I'm not in Slytherin?!" Harry flailed his arms theoretically, whining.

"You'll be fine." Severus had said this sentence so many times that he felt like puking. This had been Harry's act all day, switching between smugness and uncharacteristic drama, to being self conscious and anxious.

"What if I'm in Hufflepuff?! What then Dad?! What then?!"

"Oh yes, what then?" he rolled his eyes then, his hands dropping by his sides.

"No matter the house, I will always be proud of you." Harry narrowed his eyes.

"You won't be saying that when I'm off to the Gryffindor tower." the boy accused, pointing a finger at him.

"You'll be fine." he gritted out, shaking his head. Harry ignored him, and bit his fingernails, his eyes squinted behind his rectangular glass frames, and his mouth curled in a grimace.

"Or Ravenclaw." he said it as it was like a taboo. Having given up on the photo, the potion master walked up to his son and dropped next to him.

"House doesn't matter."

"Oh god! What if Ron's right?! What if I'm brave enough to be in Gryffindor?! I shouldn't have eaten that worm!"

Rolling his eyes up to the heaven, Severus closed his eyes, recalling a hysterical Harry washing out his mouth after swallowing a worm as a dare just last week.

"Even if you're in Hufflepuff, I will be proud. Calm down." for the first time in his life Harry actually glared.

"You're doing it again Dad." Severus raised an eyebrow.

"The face thing you do when you don't actually mean what you say." Harry clarified, eyeing the camera with slated eyes.

"I do not have a face 'thing'." he got up again, taking the camera out of Harry's reach.

"You do. I saw your welcoming speech as you rehearsed.... So..."

Harry then yelped when the camera flashed, catching him unprepared. Severus smirked, admiring the new picture ready to be added to his gallery.

"NOOOO!Dad you promised not to take it like that!" /

Severus was on the same couch, flipping through the album he had found in his wardrobe as he dressed. He still had half an hour to fill up, and knew that he couldn't sleep, out of desperation and loneliness, he took the albums, fully aware that he would cry over every picture like a damn baby. He swore, he had not cried as much in almost ten years, all his reputation was ruined in two months.

Harry exclaimed in the picture again, bringing his hands up in defense.

Snape took a deep breath, determined to shut out the memories and just look at the damn photos.

/"No Daddy, don't!" Harry shrieked, running around, covered in paint from head to toe.

"It's just a picture!" Severus followed after him, also covered in blue paint.

"I'm ugly! Don't, Daddy!"

"You're not ugly!" Snape took the picture and caught up to the child, engulfing him in a crushing hug.

"I'm ugly! Ugly duckling!" /

He had struck him. He had slapped that child, square in the face, he had bruised him, the same child in the pictures, he had belittled Harry, he had forced everything on him, the marriage, the baby, everything...

What right did he ... Or anyone else for that matter had, to hit another human being? a child? /His/ child no less.

Now that he was away from Harry, and had (guiltily) obtained some breathing room in his own house, he was pondering his options again. Even if Janet was right, and the Potters could reclaim custody, Severus was still dubious.

He wanted Harry, he never wanted to let his son go with a bunch of untamed dogs to merlin knew where, he didn't want Harry to end up back with his biological parents, or the notorious muggles he was forced to live with in summers.

But there was so much between them, ever since he started dating Janet, he had lost Harry. How naive was he? To actually believe that Harry had forgiven them?! He could see everything now, every little twitch and grimace, uncomfortable posture and glares... All of it climaxed when the argument happened, Severus apologized, Severus begged for forgiveness, but in all reality, Harry had seen none of those.

Harry only saw his own imagined, thought-out and twisted future, being abandoned and tossed around between friends and family for weeks, with depression flaring, and right up to his breaking point. Harry never forgave Severus. He accepted their apologies as a form of desperation, as a form of punishment, as if he deserved it. Snape cursed, burying his shamed expression in the photo album, running a tired hand through his damp hair.

They had to fix this, properly this time, he would fall onto his knees, he would earn Harry's forgiveness, because he refused to be like Potters, he refused to use Harry for his own gain and let him suffer.

Harry could do whatever he wanted as soon as he woke up, Harry could hit Severus exactly the same way Severus had, just to serve as a reminder. He just had to find a way, to keep Harry, to win the court, and stop the Potters and the canines from taking him. No matter how much Harry hated him, he loved Harry, and he would make sacrifices. He would put Harry's happiness before his own, just like Harry did. Just like he thought that he had.


Because Harry was still his, and would not be someone else's.