Harry's guide to being a grownup by Hopeless Wanderer
Summary: What happens when your child asks the most dreaded question there is in the ups and downs of being a parent? where do babies come from?!

*Halloween special added!!*
Categories: Healer Snape, Parental Snape > Guardian Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Charity Burbage, Other
Snape Flavour: Snape is Angry, Snape Comforts, Snape is Controlling, Snape is Kind, Snape is Loving, Out of Character Snape, Overly-protective Snape, Snape is Secretive, Snape is Stern
Genres: Drama, Family, Fantasy, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Parody
Media Type: None
Tags: Adoption, Baby fic, Child fic, Hufflepuff!Harry
Takes Place: 0 - Before Harry is born, 0 - Pre Hogwarts (before Harry is 11), 1st summer before Hogwarts, 1st Year, 2nd summer, 2nd Year, 3rd summer, 3rd Year, 4th summer, 4th Year, 5th summer, 5th Year, 6th summer, 6th Year, 7th summer, 7th Year, 8 - Post Hogwarts (young adult Harry), 8 - Pre Epilogue (adult Harry)
Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Out of Character, Romance/Het
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 6 Completed: No Word count: 21492 Read: 11407 Published: 14 Sep 2017 Updated: 19 Nov 2017
Story Notes:
i'm still dubious as whether to put this on round robin or not, this story is more like an outlet and a key to my writing blocks, chapters can be divided or read together, i will be asking you for prompts and short challenges based on the reviews you leave and we'll see how it goes ;)
Chapter 1 by Hopeless Wanderer
Author's Notes:
now before you all make me feel guilty by saying that i have other stories to take care of, don't worry, as i already said, this is merely my stress reliever and the stories most definitely won't be more than three chapters tops. read on and enjoy, don't forget to rate and leave a review ;)
Chapter one.

"What is that?" Harry's voice rang out through the greenhouse, his loud and bright tone made Pomona's heart sprang with delight. She smiled.

"The tree will have babies in Springs Harry." she pointed at the protective dome.

"That, Harry is a bubbling shield. I put them on the plants so they can reproduce in Springs." she explained patiently, and Harry looked further awed. The six years old stalked up to a bubbly pink dome and poked it with his finger.

"It tickles!" he giggled, and drew his finger back carefully. Pomona chuckled. Babysitting Harry was truly, precious time not going to waste, the child was undeniably adorable.
No wonder, even Filch liked the little boy.

"It tickles, so the production process goes without a hitch and so no one touches the trees."

Harry titled his head, frowning. He had no idea what that meant, or why did that big pink bubble gum had to be around those big trees. Auntie Pomona often said that plants could protect themselves just fine.

"What does that mean?" he often got confused when grown ups used big words, like Daddy. Daddy said it would help improve his vocabulary, but how was that possible if Harry didn't know what he was saying half of the time? People like Daddy were weird. He mused and turned his attention back to the woman.

"It means, that, in order to make fruit the plants have to make baby fruits first. Like mommies and Daddies do."

"Mommies and Daddies make baby fruits? I'm a fruit?" no one had told him that he was a fruit! No one ever told him anything! How was he supposed to know that he was a fruit, a baby fruit?

"No, Harry..."

"Am I a banana?" personally, he liked bananas, they were delicious and they were yellow. Harry's current favorite color, so being a banana wasn't that bad for Harry. Even if he was mad at Daddy for not telling him. He nodded. Banana was good.

"No, Harry, you are human. A human boy." she could hardly contain herself, at the age of forty, she had never giggled like she was now, and Harry had been with her only for two hours yet. Merlin help her, Charity wasn't lying, the boy was truly clueless and naive. In a cute way of course. Pomona wondered if he would ever make a good Hufflepuff.

Harry's face fell. "I'm not a banana?"

"No, I just meant that plants have baby fruits, mommies and Daddies make real babies."

Harry nodded his head, still no quite understanding what the herbalist was saying. She talked as if mommies and Daddies made babies themselves. How /did/ they make babies anyway? Daddy made him his son by signing an official looking paper with his quill. But plants didn't have hands to sign anything. Or quills to write with.

Hmm...He just had to ask Daddy about it. Daddy was smart, and he knew everything. He even knew how to build Harry a tent with blankets and pillows, /without magic /. And no one else Harry knew could do that.

"So it's like a bubblegum that protects trees to have babies?" he asked, making sure that he had all the information before making assumptions. That was what Daddy always told him, assess all information and then make assumptions. Though Harry did not know what the former meant at first, he was slowly getting the hang of this being a grown up thing. It was quite easy though, he just had to pretend to know everything and talk with his voice in his nose like Daddy. And maybe even steal Daddy's black robes every once in a while to snuck snacks in his room.

"Yes Harry. That's basically it." Harry smiled widely and in triumph. Countless questions running through his mind, he knew exactly what he was going to talk about at dinner tonight.


Xx


"Where do babies come from Daddy?" Harry asked unexpectedly and Severus chocked on his butterbeer, sputtering. His coughs ended with Harry unhelpfully smacking the back of his neck repeatedly to stop the fit.

"What?" he whizzed out, still out of breath. He knew it was coming, all of the children asked that question at some point. He couldn't lie. He panicked. Mortification and awkwardness hung in air, as Severus slowly got himself together.

"So? Where do they come from?" his green eyes shone in curiosity and awe. Severus swallowed, pondering on whether he should tell the truth or not. Harry was too young for that. He realized.

"Ahhh... What makes you ask that?" he asked, rolling every possible fake explanations he could come up with in his mind.

Harry stuffed his spoon in his mouth and chewed. "Auntie Pomona told me the trees were going to have babies. Like mommies and Daddies."
Severus took a moment and rolled his eyes. Of course she said that, what a naive Hufflepuff! He thought.

"She did, didn't she?"

Harry nodded, not getting the sarcasm heavily lacing every word.

"Yeah, and she said they only made baby fruits in spring. She also said that I'm not a baby banana."

Severus was so used to having bizarre conversations such as this with Harry, that he wasn't even fazed enough to chock again.

"Oh?"

Harry nodded solemnly. "I'm not a baby banana, cause apparently mommies and Daddies only make human babies."

He said it with such a passion and accusation in his tone that Severus was having a hard time not laughing, he wondered what James Potter would have to say about this particular conversation. He imagined the man apologizing for not making Harry a banana, and cracked up with the thought.

"Would you rather to be a banana?" he stirred the conversation from baby making, he knew he only had a few moments to come up with something before Harry asked the question again.

Harry gulped down his milk greedily and nodded."They're yellow."

"So, how do mommies and Daddies make babies?" Severus huffed, and put his fork down on his half eaten plate. Clearing g his throat the stoic the potion master opened his mouth several times before closing it with a snap.

How could he say it? What could he say?

"Um... It's very complicated Harry. You are not old enough yet." he tried.

"It'd be easy Daddy. Assess the information, make assumption and then ask questions. Don't worry, I'll be fine!" his son chirped brightly, mimicking Severus's own words back to him. Severus now regretted, ever teaching that technic to Harry. The boy was unusually cunning when he wanted to.

"Alright then... You have to pay very close attention... Because..." he didn't know what to say.

Could he perhaps make up a story about hippogriffs, or elves bringing them babies? Or maybe it'd be better if he used lengthy words that Harry did not know the meaning of?

"They make babies...Um... With magic." he blurted out. "They make babies with magic. In Springs." Harry oh'ed in realization and nodded.

"But why Ginny's birthday is /in/ winter?"

Now answer that. His mind jeered, and Severus gritted his teeth.

"Well, it doesn't work like that... You see, merlin magics the baby to mommies and Daddies. Anytime he likes, but mostly in Springs. He can miss some babies though." oh god, what was he saying?! It was like his mouth was a distant organ with a mind of its own, Severus's level headed mind was sent in explosions as he was babbling nonsense.

"So mommies and daddies don't make babies?" Harry looked confused, auntie Pomona said something else! And now Daddy was saying another thing entirely. Was there more than one way to make babies?

"They do... But they... Uh... Need help sometimes, with... Uh... Magic." he poked his potatoes with his fork, the meal cold and long forgotten and his horrified mind too anxious to scramble and make some believable lies.

"Like bubblegum shields auntie Pomona magicked on trees?"

"Yes! I meant, yes. Exactly like that." he pursed his lips in irritation, willing the conversation to end already.

"So merlin does the magic?" Harry asked innocently, his chin resting on the palm of his potato porridge covered hands.

"Yes. And then they make babies."

"Can I make babies too? I want a baby." Severus gulped and cleared his throat again, he felt his face warm up in shame.

"When you're older, but not right now."

Harry pouted. "But what if I ask Merlin really bad? Can he give us a baby?"

Severus shook his head, too embarrassed to answer verbally.

"No, you can't have babies."

Harry narrowed his eyes.

"If I can't have babies, then I want a puppy!" he demanded, and Severus sighed in relief. For a moment there, he actually thought Harry was going to push it. He almost forgot about his no pet policy he had assigned last week while they were in Diagon alley. Harry was way too young for pets, and dogs in particular, required constant attention.

But right now it didn't matter, he gave anything to shut Harry's mouth, or let him forget about this whole baby making fiasco.

"Just that?! You want a puppy?"

"Or a baby. Whatever you like Daddy." Harry answered back innocently.

If Severus didn't know him any better, he would thought the child was awarding /him/ instead of the other way around.
He straightened in his chair and raised his eyebrows.

"What about, we buy the Puppy when you're eight and we never speak of this again?"

Harry, the small snake shook his head. "Puppy now, or I'll tell everyone you won't give me a baby." Severus glared, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You can't have babies Harry."

"But you and auntie Charity can." Severus flushed, and cursed.

"She's not a mommy."

Harry pouted and crossed his arms. "She could be, if you ask her." Severus didn't have an answer to that.

Oh merlin, damn these Professors, spouting off in front of his child. Now he had to a buy a puppy or propose to his crush, just because he left the boy with Pomona for /two/ hours. Next time, he would be better off paying a babysitter.

"It doesn't work like that Harry."

"Why not? You're already my Daddy. She could be a mommy if you ask her, and it's spring."

It amazed Severus, how the boy, at the age of six, could manipulate him to such an extent. The little bugger.

"It doesn't work like that." he repeated and Harry scowled. The brat actually scowled at him!

"I write to merlin and you ask Charity. It's not that complicated Daddy." he pronounced each syllable and hopped to his feet.

"Will you be satisfied with the puppy?" he asked in utter resignation, and sighed.

"Now?" Harry grinned widely, his fallen front tooth showing. Severus rolled his eyes and tried to gain back his demeanor.

"Puppy when you're seven."

"Girl puppy next week."

"No."

"Then you have to give me the baby." Harry didn't miss a beat. If it was happening with a stranger, Severus would have been proud, but alas, the boy only got stubborn and bratty with him.

"It takes time to make babies. Even if you get one, you have to wait for months." this was his last resort, there was no way that he was buying Harry a puppy that Severus himself was inclined to take care of.

"Then I can wait."

"But you can't wait for a puppy?!" he was going to kill Pomona for unleashing Harry on him like this, loaded with the stubbornness he surely had inherited from Lily.

"You don't have to make puppies, so we can get that quicker."

"Alright then. Puppy next month. How does that sound?" he couldn't believe that he was bending his iron will, for a six year old cheeky boy. Before he had met Harry, he would've never let anyone talk with him like this. He really was getting soft. But then again, the horrifying sense of panic earlier did worth a puppy.

"A girl puppy?" Harry asked brightly, bouncing on his feet.

Severus confirmed. "A girl puppy." he only hoped that he could get Harry's mind off pets for the next month or so, or at least make Pomona apologize to him for the trouble she caused in the first place.

"It won't be spring anymore though." Harry frowned and Severus cursed inwardly, fighting off his instincts to bash his head to the table with all his might.

"Spring is not for the faint of heart." he heavily groaned, setting his mind to revenge the Hufflepuff head of house as he said this.

He would make her pay. Let's see how she would like it when Harry was bombarding him with awkward questions. He drawled internally and smirked, already forming a plot in his mind.
To be continued...
End Notes:
funny fact about this story; it was actually a pretty accurate rip off from a very traumatizing conversation i had before spring fest with my four year old cousin who still thinks merlin magics babies to mommies ( i was writing when she confronted me) ;)

give me new prompts and point out the flaws, bye for now lovelies. hugs and kisses.


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