Harry's guide to being a grownup by Hopeless Wanderer
Summary: What happens when your child asks the most dreaded question there is in the ups and downs of being a parent? where do babies come from?!

*Halloween special added!!*
Categories: Healer Snape, Parental Snape > Guardian Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Charity Burbage, Other
Snape Flavour: Snape is Angry, Snape Comforts, Snape is Controlling, Snape is Kind, Snape is Loving, Out of Character Snape, Overly-protective Snape, Snape is Secretive, Snape is Stern
Genres: Drama, Family, Fantasy, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Parody
Media Type: None
Tags: Adoption, Baby fic, Child fic, Hufflepuff!Harry
Takes Place: 0 - Before Harry is born, 0 - Pre Hogwarts (before Harry is 11), 1st summer before Hogwarts, 1st Year, 2nd summer, 2nd Year, 3rd summer, 3rd Year, 4th summer, 4th Year, 5th summer, 5th Year, 6th summer, 6th Year, 7th summer, 7th Year, 8 - Post Hogwarts (young adult Harry), 8 - Pre Epilogue (adult Harry)
Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Out of Character, Romance/Het
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 6 Completed: No Word count: 21492 Read: 11407 Published: 14 Sep 2017 Updated: 19 Nov 2017
Chapter 5 by Hopeless Wanderer
Author's Notes:
SUMMARY; "Do you like my Daddy?" Harry asked bluntly, and everyone choked on whatever they had in their mouths.
"Harry, that is not the polite thing to say." in a dinner party.
Harry nodded and turned his gaze back to Matilda. "I'm sorry. /Matilda/? Is it? Do you have feelings for my Daddy?"

read& enjoy (feed the author by leaving a review as well ;))
Chapter five.


"Is it time yet?" Harry asked for what seemed like the umpteenth time that evening. Severus sighed in exasperation.

"No Harry, it's not dinner time yet. It's only five." he eyed up the dressed up child and suppressed another sigh.

"Not yet." he repeated. Not even five yet and he was already dreading this dinner.

Harry had decided to /dress up/ all by himself tonight, against Severus' rational will, the boy had been adamant on choosing his clothes by himself. It was no surprise that he had been dressed in..... Well probably every piece of clothing that was in contrast with the other. The mismatched socks that rolled off his knees weren't even the /least/ of his problem with the situation.

"Alright Daddy. Is it time yet?"

"You asked me that only three seconds ago. Literally Harry." he was a bundle of nerves himself and Harry just kept adding to it, this was supposed to be the introduction dinner with all of the other staff members in the great Hall. Severus wasn't even the one being introduced, another Professor was. He hated socializing.

"Wouldn't auntie Pomona just /love/ this yellow hat?" Harry gushed and Severus snorted.

"Of course she would." he didn't even know where Harry got the hat from, and Pomona would have liked the hat if she could see past all that flashy purple glitter Harry had dumped on the thing. Honestly? Where did he get these things? At least there wasn't any left in his hair. The potion master mused.
The Professor was one he had not seen before but had heard enough about, Matilda.... What was her last name again? Severus couldn't be sure, it sounded polish...

"Is it time yet?" the child bounced his knee and Severus jumped back. He looked at the grinning boy for a second before holding him up.

"No Harry, I told you, I will make sure to tell you if the time comes." hopefully that 'if' would be cancelled because of some horrible twisted freak accident that had lasting consequences until the beginning of the term. He was that pissed.

rolling his eyes, he set the boy on his armchair and handed him a pen. He was already having a headache and it wasn't even five yet. Merlin help him at dinner. Harry was going to eat away at everyone's minds tonight.

"What do you want me to draw Daddy?" he held out the black pen in confusion and Severus went over to his desk to find a parchment.

"What about something for the new teacher? I'm sure Matilda would be delighted." he gave Harry the notebook and some pencils and went back to his own journal, hoping that the drawing would at least hold Harry's interest for half an hour before he started with the questions again.

Harry however had other ideas. "/Matilda/?" he drew out the name like a bad taste in his mouth, his small face screwed in a scoff.

Severus looked up and raised his eyebrows. "Yes. Matilda. It's a common name Harry, I'm surprised you're not asking her last name. I think it's polish." thank god he's not asking Severus to pronounce that name, Snape wasn't really in the mood for Harry's babbling tonight of all nights. Let alone mixing it up with tongue twisters.

"Who's Matilda?" Harry had been living here for a long time now, nobody have ever mentioned a /Matilda/, Harry knew all of the staff here, was friends with ghosts and even tolerated Filch. He knew this castle inside out and he did not know of a Matilda. Whomever she was.

"She's the new history teacher Harry. It seems like Professor Binns does not qualify as a Professor anymore."

"What qu_alifi_ca_tions does not apply anymore?" Harry syllabled the word, his tongue rolling with difficulty.

"Being alive." his Daddy answered dryly and Harry frowned. He liked the history teacher just fine, even though eh didn't actually attend the classes. So this /Matilda/ was going to replace his favorite teacher?

"I didn't know they can do that Daddy." he wondered at loud.

"Neither did I, since his 'condition' did not seem to interfere with his work before." Daddy then shrugged and flipped his book open on a random page.

"Maybe he wants to move on." he continued.

"Move on where? I like him here!" that man was the reason why Harry napped in the afternoons! Without him to done on for Harry to sleep he would have never napped in the history class otherwise! Now what was he going to do?! He can't sleep anymore!

"Why don't we meet Matilda first? See if you like her more than Professor Binns."

Harry crossed his arms defiantly. "No, I like Professor Binns more. What is she doing here? Maybe Professor Binns doesn't want to leave?"

Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Harry. We are going to dine with the staff /and/ the new teacher Matilda...." he pursed to take a breath, then
thought better of it. "Matilda. It's only an hour away and Daddy is not really in the mood for tantrums. Trust me, you will adore her."

Harry pouted. "Do /you/ like her?"

Severus pursed his lips, maybe if he said he did the child would let go? "I do. She is very educated and has great work ethic."
He had no idea if it was accurate, but also had no idea how this plan was going to backfire on him.

"So you like Matilda?" Why? Why would Daddy like Matilda and not Professor Binns, or more importantly, auntie Charity? Daddy never said he liked auntie Charity's work... E.. Ethics. Whatever that meant.

"I haven't met her yet, but I am sure you two would get along well." as he did with most people.

Harry was still frowning as he pushed down his pen hard on the parchment and drew a skew line.

Daddy didn't know any better, Harry decided, Daddy didn't know that auntie Charity was loads better than /Matilda/. Harry would prove it to him.

Tonight at dinner when he would finally meet this /Matilda / seemed like a good time, plus, auntie Charity and Professors Binns would be there too. All of a sudden Harry smirked, his eyes twinkling madly as he colored his paper with vengeance.


XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX



Severus rolled his eyes, as every head in the hall turned to them upon their arrival, Harry soaked in the attention, all smiley face and cheerful greetings, his drawing clumsily folded in two was crunched in his small hand and the other hand was in Severus's big one.

They made their way to the seats, with Harry next to him and Hagrid to his left and Severus sitting next to Minerva for a change.

"Don't you look dashing tonight Harry?" Pomona winked, trying in vain to suppress her grin with a hand.

Harry smiled, not taking the taken back tone at all and smugly pointed at his flashy hat. "I made it all by myself! And it's handsome, auntie Pomona. Not dashing."

Chuckles rang around the table and the potion master just shook his head, picking Harry up and settling him on his chair.

"My mistake Harry. I apologize." the little boy waged her off, and looked around the table blankly, looking for a stranger's face. A Matilda's face, to be exact. He had no idea what a Matilda looked like, was she pretty? She couldn't be prettier or smarter than Charity, cause then Harry's job would be tough. The uglier the better.

"Now that we're all here, shall we serve dinner? " as always. Harry looked awed as the headmaster conjured platters of food with only a flick of his hand, Severus smirked fondly at the boy. Just like Lily. He thought with a ting of sorrow.

"Are you really going? " Harry abruptly asked as Severus was cutting up his stakes as efficiently as an experienced parent. His hand slipped and the knife clattered to the floor.

Binn's head came up sluggishly, looking appreciated for the first time in his life, or rather, after life. Severus had never seen the man anything but blunt and frowning.

"Harry..."

"Young Potter, only you have appreciated the real and delicate course of history. And you would be the only one child." the man droned on and the hall was reduced to an awkward silence. Honestly, out of thirteen people in the staff and the headmaster, no one opened their mouth to protest the ghost's point.

Harry nodded solemnly. He tried to pat the ghost's arm. "I miss you as well Mr. Binns. Now Daddy would never get me to nap in the afternoons like you would."

Oh no. Oh. No.

The realization had never dawned upon him until then, if Binn left, then who would get the boy to take his nap? Severus was physically and emotionally incapable of calming the child down enough to rest, he didn't think any living creature could actually.... With Binn gone...

He must have been gaping, because Minerva cleared her throat with a pointed glare, and the new teacher blushed. He had been gaping /at/ the woman. The new teacher was flushing like a bright tomato.

"Pardon me." he leaned down to pick up the fallen knife, mentally cursing Harry and his antics. The last thing he needed was getting caught staring at the new teacher.

"So you're /Matilda/?" Harry was asking, trying to his best ' raised eye brow ' expression. Like Daddy often used to do while he tried to humiliate the other person. Though that was before Auntie Minnie had turned him into a bat for raising an eyebrow at her.

The new teacher cleared her throat, her pretty brown hair pulled in a tight bun.

"Yes. And you must be?" she smiled her dress robes creased as she lowered her spoon.

Regardless of his intentions, Harry grinned. "I'm Harry!" his grin dropped the moment he realized what he's done. Stop smiling! he thought to himself.

"Well nice to meet you Harry." she smiled kindly, but Harry wasn't going to be fooled again.

"Do you like my Daddy?" Harry asked bluntly, and everyone choked on whatever they had in their mouths. Hagrid actually slurped on his huge mug of butterbeer. The headmaster grinned and Severus felt as if he wanted to melt right into the ground.

Charity turned back and arched an eyebrow at him, he shook his head and internally scrambled to fix up the mess Harry had...

"Harry, that is not the polite thing to say." in a dinner party. In /her/ introduction party, when Severus knew next to nothing about her. Not that he cared.

Harry nodded and turned his gaze back to Matilda. "I'm sorry. /Matilda/? Is it? Do you have feelings for my Daddy?" imagine a train at high speed, running straight into a wall. Imagine Severus as that wall. Oh, Merlin, he would do anything to be the wall.

The humiliation of having a cheeky toddler has never bothered him to this extent, when almost every teacher was trying to contain their laughter as they chocked down their damned dinners.

a heavy blush formed on Matilda's round face."I'm sorry Harry. But this is the first time I've seen him. Though I believe that he must be an excellent Daddy."

"Of course he is." Harry scoffed. Perched up on his seat, put his elbows on either sides of his plate and leaned in as of trying to say a secret. "He likes you."

"Harry!" Severus stuttered in indignation as the others cracked up, even Charity was pursing her lips.

The new teacher looked horribly frustrated, and uncomfortable with the conversation.

"I apologize on Harry's behalf... Ms... Um..Matilda." damn you for never learning her sure name. He cursed himself. "He's a little too enthusiastic."

Harry nodded along, like they were talking about someone else. "Yes, I am. Now, do you like him?"

"Harry, I said that's enough." Harry was asking for it. What was wrong with the boy?!

"It's okay if you don't though. That would make my job easier." Harry waved her off and hopped off his seat, Severus pushed him back down.

"Your job?" the poor woman asked slowly, trading unsure glances with the staff.

"I drew you a picture." dutifully, he got off his seat, and rounded the long table, with long, purposeful steps. He was imitating Severus. The potion master realized, itching to bury his face in his hands and wish all of this to go away.

"See? That's you... I didn't know what you looked like, so I drew you like this, I hope you like being fat, I can't draw thin. Here..."

The woman's eyes went wide and she looked down at Harry in bewilderment. Severus cursed. What could possibly make this worse?!

"Are those freckles?" Matilda tries to ask with a raspy voice. Harry looks at her as if looking at a child.

"No. Those are blotches. Like Mr. Filch. I thought they would match with your hair."

"There's no hair in the drawing."

Harry grinned. "Exactly."

"Harry? Return back to your seat please and apologize to Matilda. Now child." he pressed, trying his best scowl and prayed to Gods that it worked.

Minerva and Albus engaged the others in another fruitless conversation, trying to spare Matilda a little bit of her own space and sends of respect with Harry massacring her in his drawing.

Harry pouted. "I'm just showing her my drawing. I even drew Professor Binns!"

The new teacher shook her head in confusion and annoyance. "There's no other figure in the drawing Harry."

"He's a ghost, duh..."

"Harry."

The small child groaned, and snatched the drawing back from the stunned teacher's hands, trudging his way back into his seat. Oh Severus knew who he was going to punish when they got back home.

This was exactly what he had been afraid of, being humiliated and used as a laughing stock. Harry knew his job a little too well.

"Now apologize." the potion master ordered sternly.

Harry slumped in his seat."I'm sorry /Matilda/, that you don't like my Daddy."

"Harry." Daddy glared and Harry heaved a sigh. Why didn't he get it? Daddy was acting like a dummy again.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Matilda because my dad can't like you." the boy sulked into his plate with a permanent pout on his face the rest of the dinner. Matilda excused herself rather fast after that blunder, and hastily strode out of the great hall, with a subtle glare at Harry.

Severus tried to ignore the dirty look in favor of what Harry had done to her.

The boy, unaware of the hate he had been receiving, smiled sleepily and moved to hug a droning Professor Binns. Not even noticing that the table was half empty and almost everyone was gone. "Mr. Binns, would you please... Pretty please, tell me a story so I can sleep tonight?! Pretty please!"

"I'm sure the new substitute teacher would be delighted to grant that wish." Harry wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

"No, no one can do that except you. Tell me a story?"

Severus scowled, and turned his head back to Charity, who was cleaning out her chocolate podding with her finger, having given up on her spoon. He scooted closer to her and poured himself another glass of butterbeer. At this point, I'll need the draught of the living dead. He thought dryly, and stared at his colleague with disgust.

She licked her chocolate covered finger and raised a teasing eyebrow. "So you and /Matilda/, huh?"

"Oh shut up woman."

"We're going to have so much fun together." she smiled, and winked, her fond gaze returned back to a drooling Harry.

"Harry and I."
To be continued...
End Notes:
i just adore that boy. hugs and kisses to ya all!


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