Cripple Me by krosi
Summary: Severus Snape hates Harry Potter. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing. Not even the boy’s sudden intrusion in his life. Or that cheeky smile. Or that all too innocent look. Or the sudden shift in his relationship with the Potter whelp. Not even those green eyes. No, nothing will ever change Severus’s hatred for Harry Potter – no matter how fond of him he was becoming. An eventual Snape adopts Harry story. Beginning in Harry’s first year.
Categories: Teacher Snape > Professor Snape, Misc > All written in Snape's POV, Parental Snape > Guardian Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required)
Snape Flavour: Snape is Angry, Snape Comforts, Snape is Cruel, Snape is Mean, Snape is Stern
Genres: Drama, General, Hurt/Comfort
Media Type: None
Tags: Adoption
Takes Place: 1st Year
Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Alcohol Use, Physical Punishment Spanking
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 38 Completed: No Word count: 156580 Read: 155357 Published: 10 Oct 2017 Updated: 04 Mar 2024
Debilitate by krosi
Author's Notes:
This chapter inspired the title.

Severus watched Harry slide down the small hill at the playground for the fifth time with the red toboggan. He sighed, leaning an elbow into the side rail of the park bench and resting his head in his hand. He smiled softly at Harry’s happy smile as the boy dragged the toboggan up the hill again, another boy joining him with a green toboggan. They chatted for a bit before racing each other down the hill.

               Severus glanced at his watch and figured another ten minutes of play would be fine for Harry. His mind wandered to the events of the last few days with Harry in his house on Spinner’s End. The boy hadn’t seemed impressed with his home’s location, making a face that Severus threatened to smack off if the boy didn’t wipe it off. But when he gave Harry his own room, the boy’s face lit up, his eyes glistening, and then he hugged Severus tightly. Over a bedroom.

               That had been the first day at his house. He had given Harry a brief tour of his home, banning him from his lab, study, and bedroom unless he had his permission to enter, which was highly unlikely to happen. Harry loved the small library on the first floor, and Severus would find Harry reading in the room each evening before bedtime, which Harry took well, considering Severus had set it for nine o’clock. Young boys needed their sleep.

               Severus snorted as he remembered the shocked look Harry had given him when he had made a dinner of meatloaf with buttered potatoes and a cucumber salad. Obviously, the idea that the snarky potions professor was able to cook was just too mind blowing for the hero of the wizarding world. Twice Harry had asked if he could make a meal himself, and Severus allowed him after making sure the boy actually knew how to cook. He had made decent meals, and while the thought of Harry cooking for his relatives and not getting a bite made Severus want to forbid Harry from stepping one foot into a kitchen, Harry seemed to enjoy the task.

               The first four days went smoothly, aside from a cheeky comment here and there, Severus found that he did not mind Harry’s presence. The child even managed to convince him to play a game of chess with him, which Severus won fair and square.

               Laughter pulled Severus from his thoughts and he focused on Harry throwing snowballs at the new kid, two more kids joining in on the fun, building forts as they threw snowballs. Severus tilted his head. With how cheery the boy was today, one would never believe the events of yesterday had ever occurred . . .

 

               It was quiet in the house.

               Which was nothing unusual, Harry had been well behaved the previous four days. After being allowed to leave from Hogwarts early to go home, Severus had been looking forward to some peace and quiet from students and other professors. However, Severus had a feeling that a house should not be so quiet when a Potter was living in it. He would just take a status report on the boy and get back to his potion brewing. Casting a stasis charm on his potion he was brewing, Severus exited his lab and decided to check the library first. Harry did seem to enjoy the library.

               Severus knew the majority of the books in the library were potions related, but he had a good selection of Muggle classics along with a couple wizarding books. Opening the door to his library, Severus glanced around. Harry wasn’t in any of the comfy chairs near the fireplace, which had a steady fire going. A book lay halfway open on a nearby table. Severus frowned. Harry was here, the fireplace only lit up when there was a presence around and it extinguished itself after ten minutes of no body presence. So where did the little troublemaker go?

               Severus shut the door and checked the kitchen.

               Empty.

               The living room, then. He did have a muggle TV and he was sure Harry never had such luxury at his relatives. Maybe the boy had found some cartoons to watch.

               But no, the living room was Potter-free.

               Severus sighed, and decided just to glance around upstairs. He ignored his study, believing Harry wouldn’t dare disobey his rules so soon. He’d give the boy the benefit of the doubt, though last time he had been wrong. He was hoping the boy learned from his last punishment about breaking his rules.

               Upstairs, the boy’s room door was ajar, and Severus peeked inside. No Harry. He turned away and was about to knock on the bathroom door when out of the corner of his eye, he saw the ladder pulled down from the attic access door at the end of the hall. He felt fury well up inside him as he made a beeline for his attic. He realized he hadn’t banned Harry from the attic, but he didn’t mention it to the boy either. He should have locked it.

               Severus climbed the ladder and spotted Harry reaching for the stirring rod resting in a cauldron of an untouched potion.

               “Potter, no!” Severus said quickly, climbing into the attic.

               Harry jumped and spun around, his elbow knocking into the cauldron, knocking it off the table and sending the contents flying out. Severus ran to Harry and pulled him away, covering the boy as the potion’s fumes ignited and blew, blasting the cauldron to shattered bits that rained down on the two, Severus’s back shielding Harry from most of the shards. Once everything had calmed again, Severus released Harry and looked at the table, biting his inner cheek at the mess the small explosion had caused. He shook his head as he tried to fight back his anger and not lash out at Harry.

               “I-I’m sorry,” Harry tried, wincing at the damage.

               Severus said nothing, just pulled out his wand and used a cleaning charm to gather up all the shards. He scanned the table for his journal that held all his notes he had on that particular potion he had been working on. He found its binding and picked it up, only for the pages to fall apart in shreds away from the bind, some pieces singeing slightly. He dropped the binding. A couple years of hard work wasted.

               “I am sorry, sir,” Harry tried.

               Severus didn’t turn, just crossed his arms and glared at the mess before frustratedly closing his eyes. If he faced Harry, he would not be responsible for what he did to the brat.

               “Sir?”

               “Get out,” Severus snapped without moving.

               “But I could help clean or –”

               “You’ve done enough. Get out – now! So help me, Potter, if you are not out of this room in the next three seconds, I will beat you senseless! Go.”

               Harry took a step back from the threat, his eyes watering, then he turned and rushed down the ladder, trying hard not to cry, but Severus could hear him failing. He ignored the boy’s sniffling though as he dragged a hand down his face. He knew he shouldn’t have snapped at the boy like that or threatened him as so, but that journal held very important data he had spent so many months collecting.

               The potion was useless, he had brewed it during the summer before Hogwarts had even started and it had been botched. It was an experimental one anyway. He should have disposed of it then, instead of forgetting it and leaving it to sit and become more unstable through the months. But that journal . . .

               Severus had been trying to invent a potion that would erase specific memories without any harmful side effects or without causing oblivion. It was for his own personal use, but he was sure if he could succeed with it, it would sell well, especially to Mind Healers.

               And now, all that work was lost. Everything he had been working on for two years now, gone. And he was furious. Yet, he tried to convince himself that Harry had not known what the potion was, that the boy was just curious and following his Potter instincts of causing trouble. Yes, he was angry, but he couldn’t take that anger out on Harry.

               His front door slammed shut.

               Nor could he lose Harry.

               Severus swore under his breath and ran out of the attic, pausing in front of Harry’s room to note that Harry wasn’t there. The boy’s suitcase was also missing.

               “Damn it, Potter,” Severus muttered as he rushed down the stairs and opened his front door, looking down the street to see the young boy running with his suitcase. Severus’s anger had dissipated, replaced with sudden concern and fear for the boy. He looked around to make sure no muggles were out or peeking through their window shades.

He disappareted from his doorway and apparated to the end of the street, causing Harry to run right into him. He wrapped his arms around the boy before Harry could push away and escape.

“No, let me go,” Harry cried, pounding his fist into Severus’s chest.

“Stop it, Potter,” Severus said, capturing the small fist in his own hand. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Running away, what does it look like?” Harry glared up at Severus.

“It looks to me like a very disobedient boy.”

“I didn’t mean to ruin that potion. I didn’t know that would happen, I swear.”

“I am not angry about that,” Severus cut Harry off. “Well, yes, I’m angry that all my hard work the last couple years is gone, but I am not angry with you. As you said, you did not know what it was and that it would explode, but I should have told you the attic was off limits and locked the door. That is on me.”

“But you yelled at me. You said . . .”

“I know what I said. I was angry in the moment and you just happened to be an unfortunate target.”

Harry said nothing, just looked down at his boot covered feet. The cold winter wind blew around them, and Harry shivered.

“You’re not wearing a coat,” Severus observed, moving his hand from his hold on Harry’s arm to the boy’s shoulder. He gently turned the boy around to walk him back to the house. “Come, let’s head back and –”

“No,” Harry stated, planting his feet firmly down.

“Young man, do not –”

“I don’t want to go back. I ruin everything.”

“What on earth are you blabbering about?”

Harry sniffed as he fought back tears.

“You’re the-the first person who ever cared about how I was treated and you l-let me stay at Hogwarts and then at your house and I’ve been nothing but trouble and I ruined your potion – my relatives were right, I’m such a b-burden. I should just run away and save you the trouble.”

Severus sighed as Harry hid his face behind his hands, his shoulders shaking, but Severus couldn’t tell if it was from crying, shivering, or both.

“You didn’t ruin that potion,” Severus said softly, resting a hand on Harry’s shoulder as if that would stop him from shaking so. “I did.”

Harry peeked out behind his fingers at Severus in disbelief.

“It was an experiment I was working on back in the summer. It didn’t work and I never got around to disposing of it. So it’s been sitting and stewing in the attic all this time, becoming more unstable. That’s why it exploded so easily when you knocked into it by accident. My journal was destroyed as a result, but I should have taken the necessary precautions of keeping you out of the attic. That is on me. You could have been hurt Harry, and all because I was too lazy to pick up after myself and decided not to lock the attic door.”

               “But I shouldn’t have gone up in the first place,” Harry decided.

               “No, you shouldn’t have, but you are just a kid with a strong curiosity. I am surprised you didn’t find your way up there sooner. To tell you the truth, if I had to spend my Christmas break with my old potions professor, I would have been everywhere the old man said not to be.”

               “Really? But I am still causing a lot of trouble.”

               “That’s the Potter in you,” Severus smirked. “I expected nothing less.”

               Harry didn’t look any happier. “So I am a burden, then.”

               “The only burden here is this wind that will have us both frozen in a few minutes. Now, are you willing to walk back to the house on your own or must I carry you?”

               Harry sighed and began walking slowly back to the house, dragging his suitcase. Severus followed closely behind him, not wanting the boy to try and make another run for it. Once they entered the house again, Severus waited for Harry to slip out of his boots.

               “Leave your suitcase here,” Severus said when Harry looked ready to drag it up the stairs to his room. Harry reluctantly set it by his boots. Severus pointed to the living room and Harry slouched his shoulders but went and sat on the sofa, Severus sitting next to him.

               “Sorry,” Harry offered, looking down.

               “What for?”

               “Trying to run away.”

               “Ah, that,” Severus turned slightly so he could face Harry more. “Where exactly did you think you would go?”

               “I don’t know,” Harry shrugged, still looking at the carpet. “I just didn’t want to be a burden anymore.”

               Severus gently took hold of Harry’s chin and tilted the boy’s head up so he could see the emerald eyes. “Listen to me closely. You are not nor have ever been a burden to me. And I do not want to hear you call yourself such again. Understand?”

               “Yes, sir,” Harry said, his eyes watering at that.

               “You are a good boy, Harry,” Severus continued, releasing Harry’s chin, “and you deserve more than what your relatives gave you growing up. They were the burdens to you, not the other way around.”

               “I’m really sorry about your po . . . or I mean, your journal.”

               “I know, but that was an accident. An avoidable one, but an accident, nonetheless. The running away, however . . .”

               Harry’s eyes widened at the stern look Severus gave him. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

               Severus pulled Harry’s arm until the boy was draped over his lap, Harry squirming and whining slightly. “You will not ever run away from me or this house again, do you understand?”

               “Yes, I understand.”

               “Good,” Severus gave Harry one hard smack before lifting him up and sitting him back down on the sofa. Harry winced as his bottom made contact, but he gave Severus a surprised look. Severus ignored it, serious about the no running away but also wanting Harry to understand he was not angry or upset at anything else. “I believe we will not have a repeat of that, now will we?”

               Harry shook his head. “No, I’ll never runaway again.”

               Severus nodded and smiled at Harry, a genuine smile. “I want you to know that having you here over the holidays has been the exact opposite of burdensome. I’ve enjoyed your presence, Harry. I like having you here. And if I had the opportunity of inviting you over again, I would.”

               Harry felt tears in his eyes again and he tried to discreetly brush them away.

               “Really? I like staying with you. You’re a lot nicer than my relatives.”

               “I think a rat colony would be nicer to you than your relatives were.”

               Harry chuckled at that, then frowned in thought.

               “Sir? What was the potion you were experimenting with?”

               Severus sighed, thinking about his answer carefully.

               “It is a new invention I am working on. Have been working on. It will erase any memory chosen by the drinker, as long as they think of the correct memory.”

               “Why would someone want to forget their memories?”

               “Some memories are worth forgetting, don’t you think? I’m sure you have some of your relatives you’d like to forget.”

               Harry’s frown deepened.

               “Maybe,” he said, crinkling his nose. “But aren’t you supposed to forgive and not forget?”

               Severus stared at Harry for an intense moment before he snorted and reached out to ruffle Harry’s hair. “You are a smart boy, Harry.”

               Harry smiled at Severus, then asked, “Are you trying to forget something?”

               “Many things, Harry,” Severus admitted, “many.”

               Severus did not go into the details of his father’s abuse or his mother’s neglect and abandonment. He decided Harry did not need that information now. And now, he wondered, if he should even pursue that research anymore. After their talk, Severus sent Harry to take a warm bath while Severus finished cleaning up the attic and then locked the door this time with a special spell. Dinner was a quiet affair and then Harry went to the library to read for a while before Severus sent him up to bed.

               Later that night, Severus found himself in his study sitting at his desk, drinking a muggle beer as he contemplated the loss of his journal and where he would go from there. Forgive, not forget. Harry’s words still rang in his head. Yes, he had already tried the whole forgiveness thing, yet he struggled with it. Perhaps it was easier for kids to forgive and move on than it was for adults. Sighing, Severus opened his second bottle of beer and began drinking from it. Old habits die hard, and to him, it felt like he was born with his father’s habits. He found that in times of stress, especially emotional stress, this was how he coped. Drink himself into the darkness, till he couldn’t feel the pain that lingered inside him.

               The quiet shuffles of socks on carpet caught Severus’s attention. Harry appeared in his doorway, hesitantly looking at him, his eyes slightly red.

               “Shouldn’t you be asleep, Potter?” Severus asked. “I sent you to bed two hours ago.”

               “I had a . . . a . . . never mind, I can go back to sleep.”

               Harry turned away, but Severus stopped him.

               “Come here, young man,” Severus called out.

               Harry gulped, but turned and slowly entered the study, shuffling over until he stood in front of Severus.

               “What were you trying to tell me?” Severus asked, though he could take a pretty good guess at what Harry was getting at.

               “I had a . . . nightmare,” the boy whispered the word, his cheeks turning red.

               “That is nothing to be ashamed nor embarrassed about,” Severus said. “Everyone has nightmares from time to time.”

               “Do you?”

               Severus took a sip of the beer before answering. “Occasionally. Do you want to talk about yours?”

               Harry shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself.

              Severus raised an eyebrow at the boy, tilting his head ever so slightly. “Are you sure? It might make you feel better.”

              “It’s stupid,” Harry mumbled.

              “Dreams are often significant, especially nightmares.”

              “Well . . . you were in it. And you . . . you . . .”

              “I What?”

              Harry sniffed as he said, “You gave me back to my relatives. You didn’t want me around anymore. You yelled at me and sent me back.”

              Severus sighed as he set his bottle down. Perhaps the day’s events had been harder on Harry than he realized. He had hoped he cleared up any confusion earlier, but it seemed Harry still had those fears deep inside him, haunting him in his dreams. Severus pushes his chair away from his desk slightly.

               “Come here, Potter,” Severus said.

                Harry frowned as he stepped closer, and by the look on his face, Severus was sure Harry expected a smack, though why was beyond the man. Severus gently grabbed Harry’s arm and pulled him closer, then lifted the boy onto his lap. Harry seemed surprised and a bit stiff, as if he had never been in the comfort of an adult like this before, but he settled quickly, allowing the man to adjust him. Once satisfied, Severus wrapped an arm securely around Harry and said, “I would never do that, Harry. Ever. You have my promise.”

                “Never?”

                “Never.”

               When Harry remained quiet, Severus picked up his bottle and took another sip from it. Looking down at Harry, Severus felt a brief moment of surprise at his own actions, but having the small boy in his lap felt natural, and it was comforting to them both, he was sure. He noticed tears well in Harry’s eyes; honestly, the boy would cry at the drop of a pin.

              “Are you alright, Harry?”

              Harry sniffed and smiled. “Yeah, I’m okay.” The boy shifted more against him, resting his head on Severus’s chest. “I’m okay.”

              The two day in silence for several long minutes, sharing each other’s warmth. Severus has finished his second beer and looked down at Harry. The boy had his eyes closed and his breathing was starting to even out.

              “You should go back to your room, Harry,” Severus suggested.

              “Mm-hmm,” Harry agreed without moving.

             “I’m serious, young man,” Severus said, patting the boy’s hip firmly a few times.

              “I know,” Harry’s voice was a whisper as he snuggled impossibly closer into Severus’s chest. “I’m going.”

             A minute later, and Severus knew Harry had fallen asleep. He sighed. “Insolent brat,” he muttered. But he didn’t wake Harry. He didn’t move. Instead, he reached for a third bottle of beer on his desk, picking it up and bringing it towards him. His index finger circled the cap pressed on tightly, and he looked down at Harry’s peaceful face. He wanted the drink, he felt that he needed to drink more, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. If Harry had stayed in his room all night, Severus would have felt inclined to do just that, but now that he could see the boy and hold him, he wanted nothing more than to be there for him. And he couldn’t be there if he was drunk out of his mind. Old habits did die hard, but if this is what it took to break them, so be it.

              Severus set his bottle back down on his desk, then wrapped both arms around Harry. He smiled as Harry moved so slightly, his eyes opening the slightest. Harry smiled up at him and sleepily said, “Love you, pr’fessor.” Severus’s blinked as Harry’s eyes slid close and the boy was back in slumber.

              When had that happened? When had their relationship change so much? Severus felt a lump in his throat and he stubbornly swallowed. He snorted as he thought about what James Potter must think of all this, then smiled at what Lily might think of this. He carded his fingers through Harry’s hair as he said to the boy:

            “How you cripple me, so, Harry. I think I love you, too.”

 

           Severus pulled out of his thoughts as he watched now six kids sledding down the small hill in the park. Last night, he had carried Harry to bed, and the boy woke up this morning with seemingly no memory of what he had said to Severus, though he did remember sitting in his professor’s lap and had blushed furiously. Severus himself had been preoccupied with thoughts of the mirror of Erised, and if Harry’s question had not been hypothetical at all. Severus decided that it would be a good day to relax and take a break from his school work and just have fun. Harry needed some exercise after being cooped up in the house. And now here he was making friends with the neighborhood kids.

               And here he came now. Severus frowned as Harry came running over to him, leading five other kids behind him. That boy couldn’t go anywhere without making a fan club of followers.

             “Professor,” Harry greeted, an unsure smile on his face. Severus raised an eyebrow to show he was listening. “Can me and the others come back here tomorrow around two?” The five children, all between ten and twelve, smiled at him as they waited for his response, some shivering, some with rosy cheeks.

             “May my friends and I,” Severus couldn’t help but correct. Harry blushed and quickly fixed his statement, repeating his question. Severus held back a snort at how easy Harry was to embarrass. “I don’t see why not. I’m sure we can fit it in your schedule.”

            “Thank you, sir!” Harry smiled. He turned to the other children. “I’ll be here at two.”

            The kids whooped and turned away, running in different directions with trailing toboggans. A couple called out, “Mum, Harry’s dad said they could come back . . .”

            Severus noticed Harry blush at that and hunch his shoulders as he tried to explain, “Sorry, I didn’t tell them you . . . err . . .”

            “What is there to tell them?” Severus asked, raising an eyebrow again as he stood. He smiled and ruffled Harry’s hair, making the boy smile. “We should head home. You look like your freezing. I shouldn’t have let you play in the snow for three hours.”

             “I’m f-fine,” Harry shivered.

             “I’ll be the judge of that. You will have a warm cup of chocolate when we get home, as well as some potions to ward off any colds.”

             Harry made a face, dragging the toboggan behind him as he followed Severus. “I don’t think I need any potions, sir.”

              “You’ll do as I say and take what I give you.”

              “Yes, sir,” Harry have a defeated sigh.

              “And after dinner, I would like you to finish up that essay on inorganic matter to organ transfiguration. I would like to look it over and make sure you are thorough enough to answer Miss Granger’s question.”

            “Aww, do I have to? It’s already two feet and it’s so boring.”

            “Do not whine. And yes, seeing as how it was so important, you had to do late night research.”

            “Well, I just . . . it’s . . .”

           “Something you’d like to confess, Potter?”

           “No, I’ll finish the essay.”

           “Very good. We have five days left of vacation, then it’s back to classes. Think you can last that long without any trouble?”

           “I’ve gone longer without trouble. You just always think I’m in trouble.”

            “Mind your cheek or you will be in trouble.”

             “See?”

             “Potter,” Severus warned as they came up to the house.

             “Sorry, I’ll stop.”

             Severus rolled his eyes as he opened the door, ushering Harry inside. And to think he had been so against the idea of a Potter in his home.

        

 

To be continued...


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