Number I. Leave my name behind (p.2)

Today, I woke up to raised voices in my ward. I hated shouting. Uncle Vernon shouts a lot, and nothing good ever comes off of that. So I tried really hard to tune them out. But it was hard considering the subject of their argument.

Which was as always, me.

"No! Absolutely not! Are you all out of your minds?" Pomfrey was uncharacteristically vocal this morning, and my blossoming headache was not helping in the slightest. I wondered if I could shout at them to shut up already.

The second voice surprised me, and also made my heart clench. It was Snape's rich velvety voice, as always stoic and nonchalant. "Poppy, this might be the only chance he's going to have to.."

Madam Pomfrey cut in. "No Severus. He's my patient, and I don't deem him well enough for you to drag around the world for some.... Some.... Some sort of... Atrocity! How dare you humiliate him in such a way?!" she stuttered out. I was trying really hard to keep up with their banter, even while ignoring the raised voices and complicated nature of the argument, I found it hard to follow.

What were they talking about?

The third voice I could detect, was the headmaster's. I could have been wrong, but to me, it seemed as if he was the only one who wasn't ranting and going on a manic rage, next to a (supposed) sleeping patient.

"He has been having miraculous results and his life expectancy has even bewildered the oncologist." the old man said it in a way that almost made me laugh. Huh, as if I had been declared in remission already, three months of more pain and suffering hardly deserved gloating.

"--At least consider the possibility of preparing him for his final days, we have to be realistic. He is sick, and he's only fifteen, he might be running out of time." he interjected calmly, and quietly, still assuming that I was asleep.

Pomfrey sighed, worn out and resigned ( I sympathized with her. This conversation was hard to follow.)

"Albus. Potter is under aggressive treatment. It means that he has chemotherapy three times a week. You know what that means? It means that he can't talk, can't sleep, can't do anything but to lay in pain and suffer three days in a week, sometimes in a row." she emphasized, sounding chocked and at the brink of tears.

"Other days, /if/ he has a good day somewhere in between, he only manages to walk himself to the bathroom and back. For merlin's sake! He's blind half of the time! And you want me to put his care in that /man's / hands?!" she took a deep breath.

"Don't be offended Severus, but I wouldn't even consider leaving Harry's care into /your/ hands." her voice wavered, and I couldn't be sure if it was from anger or hurt. I made a tiny sound in protest as she tatted about my condition, but made no other move to indicate my awareness.
I wanted to be asleep for a while.

"Be reasonable Poppy. I might not be fond of the boy, but I am still human.."

"You were picking on him just yesterday!" she exploded, and I winced, the pulsing picking up in my temples. "Picking on a sick delusional boy! What is your problem? wasn't tormenting him for years enough? Now you have to hunt his last... His last days too?!" her voice was getting progressively high pitched the more this went on.

Snape waved her off."I was not picking on him, he was already crying when I arrived, I thought he was in too much pain to call for a healer, but he was merely crying for other reasons. Then I found the parchment."

"That's his and private, the moment you saw Granger's handwriting, you should've known that!" as they mentioned Hermione, I found myself instantly missing her. When was the last time I saw her? Two days ago? What about Ron?

Snape seemed to be gritting his teeth. "Who do you think told Granger to write that list? Even you aren't daft enough to imagine me a fit in divination Pomfrey. I thought it to be an important note or a love letter, one that Potter had no idea about or what it consisted of, it was only later that I figured Potter had told her to write those things down for him."

Pomfrey bristled. "Yes, because he can't write for himself! That doesn't justify, you working him up into a mess. Do you have any idea how long it took to calm him down?!"

"I'm not going to murder him woman! I'm doing a good thing here!"

"Which is convenient for you! That's what It's always about! You honoring Lily, by doing /good/ to her son! Let him go Severus... Leave the poor boy alone." she pleaded. I felt sad for her.

"Poppy, please calm down. Severus broached the subject with me only out of concern. You are right and Harry might not have much time, we have all wronged him in many ways, all of us, the least we can do now, is to respect his wishes in the last remaining days he might have left."

I heard her grumbling under her breath out of indignation. "There's no way, we can find a way around his treatments." she finally ground out.

"He is not well enough to travel, he can't take care of himself. His mind is as complex as a five year old, he has no sense of judgment. None at all. I'm not putting his care in the hands of a grudge holding man who hated.."

"No one said that I should be the one to care for him, in fact, I don't even want to be involved with the brat! He's a dying boy, and I saw it fit to bring this matter into light only out of concern and Pity. So don't mistake my insistence with caring Poppy, I certainly have none for the boy. However, the least /you/ can do.."

My heart clenched. Oh no, I thought, my brain finally catching up. This was about yesterday. The list. The one Snape stole, had he told everyone about it? Where they mad at me? Were they disgusted by my lameness?

"You don't get to tell me what I can or can't do Severus Snape! You wanted my answer as his healer, and this is it... He's not going anywhere!" she screeched at him.

I decided now was a good time to wake up at any rate, I wanted to be involved in this discussion as it involved me too, I peeled my eyes open, blinking the crust away.

The trio were standing closer than I had expected them to, the blurry figures were only a feet away from my bed, and I had a feeling that Pomfrey was turned sideways to my bed in a protective hunch just because of that reason. Was she afraid they would snatch me and run away? maybe disappear with a puff and a cloud of smoke? I cracked up with the thought.

"Madam Pomfrey?" I asked faintly, craning my neck to catch their attention.

Pomfrey was by my side in a blink, handing me my glasses with a frown etched on her face.

"Are you alright Potter?" she asked, and I decided she was too upset to act like her usual professional self today and go straight for my symptoms. I nodded slowly, fixing my glasses.

The world slowly slid into focus.

"Good morning." I greeted the other men, momentarily glaring at the potion master with a vengeance. That bastard! I thought, sorely reminded of yesterday, the burn of unsatisfied vengeance seared in my veins as my glare tore into his. The git! How dare he pick on me like that? Was he here to apologize? He'd better be.

That's must have been what was the argument about then, the list and his vile behavior, I figured. Maybe Snape was too much of a jerk to apologize by himself and had to be dragged here by Dumbledore, or maybe he was planning on disturbing me again. I frowned in disapprove.

"Good morning Harry, did you rest well?" the old man asked politely and I flushed, nodding a bit sheepishly as I realized the glint in his crinkling eyes. He knew I had been eavesdropping.

Snape didn't bat an eye. "Ask him yourself Poppy, he would surely tell you his true feelings."

I gulped, my mouth suddenly dry. "What's going on?" I asked no one in particular.

No one turned back to face me, it seemed Snape and Pomfrey were adamant on winning the glaring to death contest, and I swear if looks could kill, Snape would drop dead right there.

"Harry, my dear boy. I was wondering if we could all talk?"

"Albus..." Madam Pomfrey started tersely, but the headmaster cut her off with a wave of his hand.

"This should be his decision, as this is his life Poppy. Surely you understand that."

"He doesn't understand the consequences!"

"I do understand them." I protested weakly, my insides churning as I wasn't even sure of the topic of their argument.

"No Potter, you don't. I doubt you would even know what this is all about. Do you remember what happened yesterday?" Snape asked bluntly, crossing his arms and I frowned.

"You were mean. Are you here to apologize?" I confronted him and the man looked pleasantly taken back for a moment before schooling his features.

"Yes, I am sure Severus will have to apologize at some point." Albus agreed, amusement twinkling in his pale blue eyes.

Snape rolled his eyes. "We're getting sidetracked. Potter, are you aware of the list you threw at me yesterday? Of the content of that list and their nature? Answer me honestly."

I wrung my hands in nervousness, spying on Pomfrey who looked positively murderous, her face half hidden with the intense ray of sun that shone through the archaic windows behind me, framing her face in an intense glow.

She wouldn't be able to get that angry at me. I haven't done anything wrong. I tried to comfort myself, eyes darting between the three of them.

"Why? Did I do something... Wrong?"

Dumbledore looked startled. "No of course not, my boy. We were merely curious."

The way he talked made me nervous. I felt as if he had been under the impression that I couldn't understand what he was talking about. The words rolled out of his tongue slowly and with patience.

I mimicked his tone back at him. "Then yes. I did. I writed... I mean, Wrote them. Why are you asking?"

"Would you like to experience the things you wrote down?" Snape cut in before the headmaster could reply. His eyes cold and unforgiving.

I shrugged. "I wouldn't mind?" still confuse. What was this about? Could it be what I thought it was?

My last declaration seemed to struck a nerve in Madam Pomfrey, she scowled and glared at the men. "Alright that's enough. He has chemotherapy soon and I don't need you putting ideas in his head. He needs to rest in peace."

I didn't argue with her. I knew better than that, but Dumbledore looked very regretful and upset by her meddling in my decision. I kept my calm, but in the inside, I was raging too.

I knew what were they going to ask. I had cancer, I wasn't an idiot. They wanted to take me off to grant my wishes, out of this school, or rather the cage I had been confined in for years. They wanted to help me. /Snape / wanted to help me because of some unknown reason. Were they serious or was this all just a cruel trick?
My breath caught in my throat. I had to tell them somehow, tell them that I agreed. I wanted this, to do the things I might not be able to do anymore.

I opened my mouth, to shout, or to stop them from sealing the deal. My eyes caught Snape's and he narrowed his eyes, glaring meaningfully in my emerald eyes.
' Don't ' his gaze seemed to tell. I snapped my mouth shut.

He turned to a blistering Pomfrey. "Well, I see that there is no other solution to our problem Madam Pomfrey, but I'm still waiting for you to change your mind. As you already know time is golden and it shan't be wasted by petty claims and excuses such as yours. I'm open for negotiation if your opinion changes. At least consider it." the potion master declared stiffly, holding my gaze as he did.

Slowly, deliberately, the man shifted his robes, holding my gaze as he walked to my bed in a blink.

He held out a folded piece of parchment. "It was an interesting list, Mr. Potter." was all he said as he handed me the parchment, he spun around with a rustle of his robes and left the infirmary without looking back over his shoulder once.

I was too stunned to act like I was mad, or had to respond, so I dropped my gaze at my left palm, crunching the list in my hand, my heart skipped a beat. What had he done to it? And more importantly, would I be able to detect the difference if he had?

My thoughts were too jumbled for me to keep up with the silent argument that Pomfrey had pursued with Dumbledore in the corner of the ward, scolding Snape behind his back, and scorning the headmaster for allowing such a violation of privacy. My privacy, that was, not hers.

"--I'll be sure to keep that in mind, my dear. Now if you would excuse me, there's a meeting I would have to attend in a few minutes. " he said as a bidding and turned to me.

"Harry?" my head whipped up to meet his intense gaze.

"Good luck with your chemotherapy today. Perhaps we can talk later when you are feeling better? How do you feel about a tea party?" he asked gently and I had to think.

"I like tea. Would there be scones sir?" I asked calmly and he chuckled. I grazed my lower lip. Did I say the wrong thing again?

The man stroke his beard with a jovial smile as he nodded. "I will make sure that there would be. Do you have a preference?"

Pomfrey made a sound of displeasure, clearly upset with the man for both messing with her and my strict diet.

"I like strawberry." I told him firmly and he chortled again, before finally departing, exchanging a meaningful glance with my healer as he exited the ward.
Pomfrey threw her hands in the air in frustration, her face flushed and screwed in a twisted jeer in anger and disbelief.

"Those men! Honestly! No sense of respect for the ill, no sense of reality. Not everything can be fixed by magic! What are they thinking, dragging a fifteen year old around the globe..."

"Madam Pomfrey?" my voice seemed to snap her out of her rant and she immediately calmed down, regaining her composure.

"Yes Harry dear?" she pointed her wand at the doors and muttered a spell, successfully closing and locking the doors.

I followed her gaze.

"Why did they came here now? Why didn't you let me talk?"

She tensed. "No reason to worry Mr. Potter. It's all taken care of now. How are you this morning? Any headaches?" I shook my head.

After that the argument was never once mentioned again, as usual, she ran her scan and asked about my pain levels (surprisingly a one) and then proceeded to contact my oncologist ( I just called her the Mac woman), so she could bring her floo over for my chemo.

Chemo didn't take that long, each session was over after three or four hours, during which I mostly napped or gazed at the walls, daydreaming and trying to ignore the dryness and the nasty feeling in my stomach. This went on for three days out of my week, rendering me into a brainless slug the following days that I was forced to fight down the side-effects of consuming chemical poison.

Butterflies ripped my stomach apart by the moment Mac finally decided to grace us with her presence, carrying her charmed messenger bag on one shoulder and holding her walking staff ( she limped) in her other hand , her wide fake smile was nauseating, and I deliberately made a show of turning my head away in disgust, at her cascading blonde hair and her absurd pinched smile.

It's not that I hated her, I just preferred her to get lost, or get killed in a horrible accident, or fall in a hole somewhere. I swear it wasn't personal, the sole fact that her mere presence associated with pain was what drove me to abhor her.

"Good morning." she chirped and I wanted to strangle her perfect neck, with my perfectly steady hands to wipe that perfect smile off her perfect face.

"Good morning." I replied monotonously instead, closing my eyes.

She ignored my morose tone and her grin widened. "How's my favorite patient doing?" she dislodged the messenger bag on the chair near my bed and leaned her walking staff against my rumpled mattress.

Harboring murder tendencies. I thought grimly, only realizing that I had said it out loud when I saw her taken back expression.

"Harry." Pomfrey said in warning and I grazed my lip, somewhat ashamed.

She turned to Mac, her face pinched. "One of his teachers gave him a hard time yesterday, Harold is still disgruntled by the interaction." she lied to the oncologist and I huffed.

"I see." Mac winced in sympathy and shrugged. "But it's better to let bygones be bygones. Yes Harry?"

"If you say so." I replied honestly and we left it at that.

Chemo is exhaustive. There is no other way to describe my encounter with both the healer and her bag of poison. Sure there's pain, confusion, and the nausea, but exhaustive is my favorite.

I mostly daydreamed through the treatment and the light-headedness that followed me immediately after that. I was too dazed to stir up a healthy two way conversation with any of the healers, as I tended to babble nonessential words that sounded way better in my head instead of actual English words... So I was mostly just rigid and pathetic.

Despite my claims, Mac was really a good oncologist, professional and right to the point when it came to my treatment, and I secretly admired her for that. If meeting under different circumstances, she could've been a half decent adult. But alas, fate always has other ideas.

Even someone as cynical as Snape had realized that. I mused our conversation in my head, going over the details over and over again. Mulling over his words, chewing them out, even trying to reply to some of them in my head. He told me that life wasn't fair and he was right.

Life for someone like me is never fair, never easy.

But again, being me isn't easy.

It never was, not now that I was as fragile as a pelted flower and not then, when I didn't even know I was a wizard. As a child, my life was as miserable as a tragic Greek story; my parents had (supposedly) died in a car crash while drunk, I have been left mutilated as a result and humiliated through every stage of my life up until I was eleven.

Things didn't progress when I grew older, my eye sight was an abhorrent as were the state of my life, even finding out that I was a wizard didn't improve that predicament as it soon became clear that I was the chosen one.

Sometimes in my dreams, I reach for a light. It's narrow and it hurts my eyes, and I'm basically blind without my glasses. Everything is blurry, except for that light, it's intense, white and blinding, and still, I feel as if I reach hard enough I would be able to grasp it, to hold it and then it would whisk me away to somewhere safe. Away from all the pain.

It sounded insane and overly dramatic, but I didn't care. It was the old cliche, dying people and lights, bright lights beaconing them to heaven, right before their deaths. But I didn't feel as if this was a cliche, I didn't feel like dying when I touched the light. I felt... Unburdened, relieved even. I hardly felt those emotions these days.

When I dreamed (which turned out to be quite often recently) , I was something that I could never be while being awake. Being me isn't easy when you're awake and /aware/ of all the things that's going wrong with your life, dreaming made it easy for me. Made being /me/, easy for me.

That would be one of the main reasons why, I asked to be remembered as me, as Harry, and not the person whom you would have to see the last few months, something that even I don't recognize.

I asked to leave my name behind at the top of that list, because I wanted to be remembered as the Harry before Cancer.

You might think it's stupid. But it's not. Brain cancer, is most likely the worst kind of cancer anyone has to ever deal with (and I'm not even being biased). It just doesn't affect your body or make you sick. It affects your brain, your line of thoughts, your control, your emotions, things that we are taking for granted without even knowing that we are doing it.

It messes with your head, /convinces/ you that there are things that others do not see, it'd eat you up, sets you in hysteria, paranoia, difficulty with speech, and the creeping sense of unbalance will kill you gradually from the inside before the tumor does.

And to me, that sounded way worse than hair loss or other symptoms that indicated my death.

On my good days, I mostly slept a lot, specially after chemotherapy, though, there was obviously a difference between the two slumbers, one was utterly painless and restful and the other accompanied with agony.

Unlike yesterday, today was one of those good days. After my chemotherapy (I didn't even realize when it was finished for the day), I slept right till lunch. Woke up to puke my guts out, crashed back into another nap and then woke again to puke my guts out in a neat periodical basis.

There wasn't much Madam Pomfrey could do about those, or the headaches that were formed as a result of the treatment, though, she tried her hardest to remedy me without actually influencing the potions and chemo, and I was somewhat drugged up all the time.

I was both miserable and grateful.

XxXxXxXxXx

The next time I saw Snape was approximately a week later, the same day, and roughly after my afternoon nap, I instantly knew that I wasn't alone. It was near sunset, I could tell from the Orange_ish light that filtered through the windows and the long silhouettes of the furniture blocking my vision.

The person near my bed merely shifted his other leg and crossed it over the other, it took me a moment to recognize his black dragon hide boots before jumping out of my skin in fright.

"Calm down Potter, you might give yourself a heart attack." the man held out my glasses, but I was too shocked to move. What the hell was Snape doing here?! Watching me sleep?! And more importantly, where was Pomfrey?

I didn't dare voice my question, and warily gazed at the blurry man. He sighed infuriately, obviously making an effort to contain his frustration.
"Aren't you going to take your glasses?" he barked impatiently and I flushed, hesitantly extending a hand to do so.

If Snape was reeling from my hesitation, he certainly didn't show it on his face, legs crossed and sneer in place, the man seemed more angry at himself for being here than at me for being alive.

"Sir?" I asked after a few moments, looking around the darkening ward.

"Potter, how are you feeling?" the man asked, and I shook my head.

"Um... Fine. I guess." all of the hate I had felt for this man since last week seemed distant and childish, unlike my hatred for Mac.

"Good, do you feel up to walking?" he asked abruptly.

The question hit me out of nowhere, and I feared I might have misheard the man.

"What?" I croaked out. Running a hand through my messy hair.

The man rolled his eyes in exasperation and crossed his arms. "Walking, Mr. Potter. The act of maintaining balance and taking steps after the other on your two feet. Can you manage that?"

"Why?" I warily stared at the potion master, my stomach recoiling, as I was suddenly having this urge to find Madam Pomfrey. I was ninety-nine percent sure that the man had ill intents towards me; most likely wanting me to walk to my death somehow, or maybe strangle me with a pillow.

"Madam Pomfrey is in a meeting with Professor Dumbledore and your Oncologist. Miss MacMillan." oh, so that's what her name was. The thought sprang out of nowhere and I pushed it put of my mind with a harsh curse.

"You and I Potter, are going for a walk." the man finished, and I blinked.

"Where?"

"Enough with childish questions, as I'm sure your next questions will begin with ' When and How'." the man answered dryly, standing.

"But..." suddenly the concept of ' don't walk off with strangers ' popped in my head and I couldn't help but giggle, covering my mouth in hopes to strangle down the sound.

How many times did aunt Petunia smack me around for warming up to stranger neighbors? Or teachers at my school?

'you aren't worth their time! who would want to spend time with a freak like you?! ' or something along those lines.

Snape paused, raising an eyebrow after the awkward silence dragged on. "Are you having a seizure? Popped a brain fuze? I'm still waiting for a response Potter."
I was confused, terribly so, would the others approve of me walking off with Snape? And more importantly, why should I do as he says? Would Pomfrey be mad? I didn't know the answer to any of those questions and I hated not knowing. I did the next best answer besides my obvious responsible negative response.

"I will. But where are we going?" his hand was suddenly on my arm, steadying me before my world was dramatically titled to the left.

There's this funny thing, about having your sense of balance messed with, aside from the nausea and annoyance, that is... It changes one's perspective. Not only in the literal aspect of the phrase though. Figuratively, I later found that a change in my perspective was what often saved my ass. I thought out of the box and did everything my mind told me I shouldn't. So in a way it helped me more than logic ever did.

With that being said, I didn't ponder on Pomfrey's rage more than ten seconds, and my past hatred and utter disgust for a man who was basically carrying me out had absolutely vanished in thin air. He was taking me out of my prison, and I haven't been out for months. If anything, the man was an angel in disguise for doing this for me for whatever selfish reason he might have had.

I snorted the moment we were out of the hospital wing and he paused, suddenly looking wary and concerned for me.

"What is it Potter? Do you want to go back?" he must have known that I had chemotherapy today, the look of concern on his face told it all, but I was feeling miraculously better and healthy. Symptom free even. The nausea was all but a distant memory now.

I grinned. "Are you kidding? Of course not!" I exclaimed and locked my arms in his, hanging off of him like a leech as we awkwardly made our way to the staircase and down the spiral moving set of stairs.

My legs felt wobbly, and thus I found it hard to concentrate or think about anything, rather than trying not to fall.

Snape was being extremely patient with me, his hand supporting most of my dead weight as we both sluggishly made our way step after step, I was so thrilled at the aspect of finally getting to leave that damned infirmary that all I could do was to smile like an idiot.

"Poppy doesn't let you out of the ward?" Snape asked reprehensibly, eyes not showing an ounce of impatience as he helped me skip the last few stairs.
My bright smile was stifled a bit as I shrugged, suddenly feeling cold, barefoot and clad in nothing but pajamas. Snape noticed me shivering and flicked his wand, transfiguring them into a long heavy robe. I smiled at him in appreciation and we reached the main hall.

"Where is everybody?" I mused out loud, peering over my shoulder at the Grand entrance to the Great Hall.

Snape shrugged. "Mostly in their dorms by now. Don't worry, we'll be able to sneak out unnoticed by your peers."

I didn't question him, as my mind saw no reason for it do so, and Snape helped me to the grounds, charming my slippers so they wouldn't get dirty. I rejoiced in the feeling of grass under my feet, the soft breeze musing my hair, and the canopy of clouds above my head. I felt like a freed man. The warm color of the sunset and the orange tinge to the fading sun accompanied us as we strolled, and I found myself closing my eyes to memorize the scene in my head, mesmerized and giddy for more.

He directed me down the pathway, his hand warm on my shoulder as we passed Hagrid's hut.

"Are we running away?" I asked, a shrill of excitement shooting up my spine. My eyes lit up in delight as I turned to him.

Snape shook his head. "Why are you so kin on running away?" he asked, we both ended up edging the forest, I was getting more excited with each step.

"Because running away is exciting." I answered simply, resisting the urge to skip around and bounce on my feet. "Leaving is dull. I don't want to leave. I want to escape." I said honestly, and he looked satisfied with my answer.

"Now, are we running away?"

"Only for a few hours. Until they notice us gone." the man replies, finally guiding me through the tall pine trees surrendering the edge of the forbidden forest. Where were we going?

"Why?" I prompted.

"I'm proving a point Potter. So are you for that matter." he shrugged.

We hiked to the first clearing in admirable silence. My silence was admirable and awed, not his. My breaths came out in little puffs and I was getting really tired by then, but stubborn as I was, I had no intentions of stopping our little adventure.

"Now Potter, there are a few rules we need to get down before proving our point to your healers and the headmaster. Without those ground rules I'm certain that even I won't be able to help you." he warned and I nodded breathlessly.

This was it. He was going to help me get away, maybe even help me halfway to my first destination. This was what I had been waiting for, for a whole week.
We reached the second clearing and he helped me settle on a fallen tree trunk, covered in damp moss, and adorned with wild flowers, before settling in front of me. I struggled to catch my breath, sweat coating my face.

"Number one." the man started briskly. "We do not lie to each other, if you're in pain, you will tell me, if you are in need of something you will tell me to provide it for you, and I will do the same. Was that clear?"

I nodded vigorously. "You're really doing this for me? We're going to..."

He cut me off. "Number two. We will not leave each other, I do not care under what circumstances, madam Pomfrey made it clear that you are incapable of taking care of yourself. The same goes for me too, I will not leave you alone for more than a short period of time and you will learn to respect that."

"But what if I needed to use the bathroom?"

"I'm sure we can make such exceptions Potter." the man drawled dryly and I nodded for him to continue. My palms were freezing cold as I wrung them in my black robe for warmth.

"Number three. Each wish must not endanger your condition or rather worsen your symptoms, I will help you through with some of them, but others such as ' skydiving without a helmet' will need revising. If we stay tightly on schedule and if you abide the rules, I'm positive we can get to them all before something unfortunate happens."

"Like my death?"

"Precisely." the man humored me.

I wanted to jump out of my skin with glee, I haven't been so happy in my entire life. So liberated and free.

"So we're really going?! But... But what about others? Madam Pomfrey and.."

"If we can prove them wrong today, then they will have to allow this." he assured me and the tingly feeling in my chest flared again. I have heard it quite often from Pomfrey, who declared me too emotionally unstable many times, her face marred with pity, when I responded the wrong way or showed the wrong emotion. When I trusted the wrong person, and distrusted my friends and family. I would imagine her telling that to me right now, telling me that my sense of judgment was crooked and I didn't know any better.

She was right, Snape was dangerous, Snape was the snarky old man who had tormented me for the better part of my life, and I supposedly hated him. Then why was I so okay with this?

Snape studied my face, looking a bit taken back, himself. "Last rule, but not the least Potter... We do not get attached." he warned, the sneer back on his face.
"I am your teacher, and even despite the animosity between us, I am sure you will be able to keep your... Tendency to care for others, contained. I do not care for you and I never have. I'm only helping you out of pity, and to prove a point. I will not take advantage of you, but I will not cuddle you either. You should know that by agreeing to this you would lose your only chance to prolong your life and there is no return."

"What are you helping me? I thought you hated me."

"I do, hate you. But you managed to impress me, since last week and the days before that... I have thought of you wallowing in self pity, sniffling around and seeking sympathy. But you... You managed to prove me wrong. I'm curious about you. Besides, there was nobody else who would be willing to do this." he was right, not many wanted to care for a sick boy with countless disabilities such as me. Being the boy who lived aside.

"I'm not sure if I should trust you or not. What if you're lying? Would you tell me the truth if I asked you, or are you going to humiliate me?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, you hate me for one. You hate what I represent and you hate my father. Why are you so eager to help me now, what do you... Get... No wait.../gain/ from this?" because nothing was for free. If living with the Dursleys had taught me one thing, it was that nothing in this world came without a price, and every action was countered by a reaction of some kind.

Snape gazed at me, thoughtfully, his hands pressed together in an effort to concentrate. I could see the remnants of his sneer left on his face, darkening with the sky as the sun was finally setting. I found the situation very surreal.

"Albus and I have talked concerning this matter and he asked me the same question Potter. He asked me what I gained from this and what would this mean for our mutual hatred." a ghost of a jeer came and passed through his expression.

"What did you answer?" I asked curiously, leaning towards him.

"Sod off old man." he said with a deadpan face and I blinked. Then I laughed in bewilderment.

"What did he...?" I cackled, not able to finish my sentence.

Snape raised his eyebrows. "He offered me lemon drops." he snapped, his eyes hardening. "The /point/ of this conversation, and I assure you that there is one, Potter... Is that I have nothing to gain from this. I don't know why am I doing this, I'm being honest with you.... The idea occurred to me last week and just wouldn't get out of my head, no matter how hard I tried."

"So you're going to be burdened with a sick boy just to silence your thoughts?" the man was obviously on to something, something bigger, more sinister, maybe even lower than I had expected of him. My insides churned and my smile fell.

"Yes."

"You're a jerk. You sodding prat!" I suddenly spat at him, rushing to my feet.

"Firstly, mind your language Potter, and don't you dare forget your place with me. I am your teacher and you will respect me as such, I am not one of your peers for you to insult and mess around with." the man hissed, getting to his feet as well.


"And secondly, why would you refer me in such a vulgar manner? You seemed rather jolly the moment before."

I spewed, my hands clenching into fists and tears of humiliation threatening to stream down my face.

"You... You're making a... A...a mockery out of me! Do.. You think it's funny?! To fool me and drag me out here, to give me hold! Fuck it! You're a jerk!"

"Potter cease your blabbering. What are you on about? You ungrateful brat, I just told you I was to take care of you and your needs for free and this is how you answer me?!"

"Oh so I'm ungrounded now aren't I? You're just messing with me like all of them!"

As I looked around, bewilderment once again took over my conscious ; the sky was completely dark now, and so was my surrendering, it wasn't too dark, but dark enough for me to get lost. In the woods, completely defenseless.

So that's what Snape had in mind. I thought with dread and disgust, he wanted to abandon me here, make me wander around the forest, lost and scared shitless out of my mind. Probably to be eaten by something or get killed by tripping on a root and bleeding out of my head.

I turned to face him again, to smack him, or to follow after him to show me the way out, but I saw something in his gaze the moment I spun to spit at him.
Understanding.

It took me by surprise and I had to remind myself of how alone and angry I should be feeling now. Instead of sympathetic.

"Potter, calm down, it's okay." he said, and I eyed his wand. Pointed at me. I didn't talk.

"Take this list." he suddenly said, as if struck with an idea. Taking out my creased parchment from his pocket as he handed it to me.

I furrowed, my eyes glistering with rage and disgust. "Why did you take it?"

I swore, if this man was going to make a fucking spectacle out of me, and Mark me as his laughing stock, I would wring his neck with my bare hands and enjoy every second of it. The bastard.

"Cross out your first wish Potter." he said, ignoring me, he gave me a quill and I narrowed my eyes, intending to stab the man with the said quill the moment I had my hands on it.

"Why?" I bit out. The quill threatened to snap two in my hand.

"Because ' Sometimes you just have to fade away, to dissipate into nothingness, to leave and take nothing with you. Leave everything behind, friends, family, leave your name behind and start anew '."

My will dissolved as he recited the exact quote for me, straight out of my favorite magical novel ' Me and the Sparkle '... How did he....?

"How...?"

"You know why you should trust me. Even though we hate each other, I understand you. I understand this, and why you should do this even if it costs you your life." he nodded at the parchment.

"Anyone could have done that." I told him, referring to the quote, breathing a little easier and gaining more confidence.

"But nobody did." he answered and I knew he was right.

Nobody got the hidden meaning behind my words as he did. But the question was, would he be the right person?