Thirty one plus one by Hopeless Wanderer
Summary: Harry's only rejoice in these last few months is that he has his list. He would go down for sure, but before he does, he wants to make sure he gets to do everything on the list. To die without any regret. But what does Snape have to do with this?
Categories: Healer Snape, Teacher Snape > Professor Snape, Parental Snape > Guardian Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Dumbledore, Hermione, Pomfrey, Remus, Ron, Tonks
Snape Flavour: Snape's a Bully, Canon Snape, Snape Comforts, Snape is Evil, Snape is Kind, Out of Character Snape, Overly-protective Snape, Snape is Secretive
Genres: Angst, Drama, Family, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Media Type: None
Tags: Physical Impairment
Takes Place: 5th Year, 6th summer
Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Alcohol Use, Bullying
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 18 Completed: No Word count: 107770 Read: 32630 Published: 29 Dec 2017 Updated: 05 Aug 2019
March the 31th by Hopeless Wanderer
Author's Notes:
yesterday was my birthday, so i thought i'd update earlier than planned.

read&enjoy
March the 31th


That was the day when my journey officially begun, at the peak of April and nearing the deadline as minutes passed by like drops of sand in an hourglass. Life had been unavoidably boring and painful for me, but the promise of a better near future kept me awake at nights.

_There are several ways for me to describe my inner turmoil when I found out, that my most hated Professor went out of his way and tried to pursue my pathetic attempts at trying to look like an absolute loser, and actually took me seriously. Crying, or thanking the man was not one of those.

In fact, my reactions ranged from incredulous silence and being stunned like a statue, to being suspicious and paranoid all over. Did Snape have something up his sleeve? Did he want to humiliate me? Maybe lead me into a desert and walk off? Knowing that I couldn't find my way back?

In any case, after my slight argument with Snape the other day, and a through scolding from Pomfrey for running away and following the man out , I couldn't help but feel the giddiness and anticipation crawling all over my body in a frenzy. The two emotions I can safely say I have encountered only occasionally.

The sheer thrill of excitement that I had felt, the chilling breeze that filled my nostrils as I stumbled across the field with Snape, escaping into the unknown... It had me addicted and I was yearning for more. If one measly trip to the forbidden forest felt like this, then how would it feel like to travel around the world with the man? Heavenly wasn’t far from the answer.

And I felt as if that was the point my professor was trying to prove; I yearned for an adventure, I didn’t belong in a hospital bed and he knew it. I felt insulted that he seemed to be the only one who had noticed that.

That's probably before I realized, what just leaving the school entailed.

I had to drop treatment as well.

You can't just go ' round the world, and be back for your treatment every other day, or simply get pumped with chemo, right after winning a hot dog eating contest. It doesn't work like that.

It wasn’t like last week, when the man had to walk me back to my ward, exactly in the same condition he took me; just to prove that he could if I was willing. If I accepted his offer, then my health, my life…my entire /being/ was in his hands and he would not be held accountable for my death in the slightest.

My heart clenched at the realization, knowing that I would be throwing all of their hard work, and treatment, pain and whatnot away, for a promise a man had made. The one man I absolutely did not trust, but possibly the only bridge and final step before happiness.

So in short, it took me about an hour to figure that I should definitely stop the treatments.

The people I had to convince in Dumbledore’s office however, needed a slightly different method to be entirely enlightened.

The headmaster never ceased to amaze me, everything about the man had been an enigma to me since the moment I had set eyes on him, from the state of his clothes, to his questionable choices in outfit and seemingly barmy front he put for other people.

His office, in my opinion, was exactly the representation of his soul; I had been there only a handful of times before, but now that I look back, nothing had seemed so fascinating about this place until now that I was surveying it again with a different mind.

“Why don’t you take a seat Harry?” the man asked casually, indicating me to a chair, I chose to ignore the man in the favor of inspecting a trinket set on one of the shelves. I was utterly consumed by the sheer magic and the comfy air that hung around the circular office.

“Harry?” I nudged a glass globe with my knuckles, marveling the swirls of purple light that shot through the clear glass. What was this thing? I thought.

“Potter.” A stern feminine voice called and I was abruptly drawn out of my musings.

Madam Pomfrey raised her eyebrow pointedly. ”The headmaster is talking to you.” She scowled and I stared back blankly. Did she think that I hadn’t heard the man? Because I had heard the man quite clearly the first time he called out. He just wasn’t as interesting as this beautiful and magical globe of awesomeness.

“Sorry.” I said even though I didn’t mean it (that’s what polite people do), and walked to my seat, we were only waiting for Snape now.

Technically I had nothing to prove to the headmaster or Pomfrey, even though I was a minor, I think I had a right in deciding my future, but the man and Snape were my only keys out of here and I really needed to play my cards carefully from then on.

“Have some sherbet lemon Harry, I’d dare say they are delightful.” The man jovially said. I shook my head politely.

This was the man’s third attempt to make small talk with me, and I was struggling to keep my mouth shut.

It would have been a little impolite to compliment the headmaster on his bright green robes with orange linings, but the man had somehow managed to pull it off without seeming tacky, and so I had nothing to talk to the man about, and seeing as I had no intentions to spew out nonsense to the man I kept my mouth shut.
Pomfrey huffed and bustled about, her hair frizzy about her face, totally different from her usual neat and fixated bun, tightened with a bobby pin.
Snape finally arrives in a flurry of frustration, black robes bellowing about, eyes narrowed and his nostrils flaring, the man stepped out of the floo.

“Albus, haven’t you already scowled me for kidnapping your precious Potter?” the man spits out as his looks skim over me and the matron.

“I’d say once isn’t enough, but one would never know with you my boy.” Amusement crinkles in the old man’s eyes.

“Albus, if you would carry on already, I have a delicate potion to finish.”

“I see. Why don’t you take a seat? Harry was just about to start on the pastries.”

“Did you finally talk some sense into her?”

“Well Severus, after much contemplation, and considering nearly everything that came to our minds, Madam Pomfrey finally decided to give you a chance.”

“Not completely.” She balked.

Albus made a face in agreement; he turned to Snape, with a disapproving but halfhearted glare. “Although your earlier actions with taking Harry out of his ward in such an ungodly hour and cold did not help your case in the slightest.”

“Well?” the potion master prodded.

“We decided that Harry should have a say in this matter as well, but you already have my blessing as his headmaster and magical guardian, and Poppy’s agreement as his healer.”

Snape nodded slowly, holding my gaze as he spoke with the headmaster. “And what of the oncologist?” judging from his tone, I couldn’t help but feel that he hated her as much as I did, though Snape normally hated everyone around him. It was a given.

“She could be reasoned with.”

I couldn’t contain myself anymore, my feet bounced up with excitement, and I grazed my lip.

“I agree too. I want to go with Snape.” I blurted out, trying to stand and fully face the man. Pomfrey’s firm hand pushed me back into my seat.

“You don’t even know the basics of this plan Potter, at least wait until you have heard everything.” Madam Pomfrey said in a biting tone, her voice internally smacked me back into reality, and I straightened up in my seat, automatically, feeling utterly chastised.

Snape’s robes flown when the man positioned himself in the comfy love seat next to the fireplace with a sneer, crossing his arms, and draping one leg over the other. “Yes Potter, one would think that I want to murder you in cold blood in the forbidden forest otherwise.” He sneered mockingly.

The matron gave him the evil eye. “One would think that isn’t far from the truth.” She jeered back.

Dumbledore made a face, beseeching the adults with a scowl of his own. “Poppy please, we’re adults; let’s discuss this matter as such.” He gestured at her to seat, the woman blistered, choosing to stand over my shoulder and glower at the potion master instead, their animosity had been hilarious when we looked back at it later on.

The sneer that was fixated on the man’s face died on is lips when his face met mine. It closed off any expression, immediately. I frowned.

“I accepted to be Potter’s guardian until his list is fulfilled, probably until the next school year, any of his needs, responsibilities, or wants will be met and he will be taken care of for the duration of that period, what else is there to discuss?” he barked, his arms clenching in their position.

“Why? Why do you want this so bad? Surely it couldn’t be out of pity.” She had asked it with confusion then, but I came to know the real reason behind Severus’s insistence not much later after that day in Dumbledore’s office, but then, Madam Pomfrey had every right to be consumed, as did I, by the man’s sudden change in heart.

“My reasons are far from your business, the headmaster has already approved of this.” That’s how the potion master had answered the question that day, safely dodging the bullet.

I only sat there with a dazed expression, not quite believing that the conversation was really taking place, small needles prickled my skin, and my breath came out short, my mind couldn’t fathom the sheer /idea/ of what was about to take place. For once the pounding in my head had nothing to do with the cancer and everything to do with the blood rushing in my ears, pounding on my ear drums with vengeance.

“So you will willingly be Potter’s caregiver? While fully aware that his needs are now quite different from a normal fifteen year old?”

Snape lowered his head in confirmation; I could only close my eyes in relief, I didn’t even care the man’s reasoning, in my mind, I was sitting at an outdoor café in Paris, enjoying the weather, I was at the top of the mountain, surveying the hills, I was Harry, a teenage boy simply enjoying a vacation with his… teacher. Heat drummed in my fingers and my head snapped back to the conversation.

“I would hardly say otherwise if I wasn’t Poppy. I do know of Potter’s needs.” Snape was saying, the permanent scowl etched on his face, while still carrying that stoic undertone.

Madam Pomfrey looked taken back, torn between her professional duty as a healer and her longtime acquaintance with the man.

She had already been angry about the man sneaking me out of the castle since last week, and to her, this just seemed like the topping to the cake, I did not blame her, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop my thoughts from getting inappropriately imaginative while insulting her in my head.

I rubbed my clammy hands against the chair’s cushioned armrest; I struggled to keep up with their heated discussion for a few moments before all three turned to me in silence and I stared back with unease, my mouth going dry.

The headmaster looked at me with a knowing small, and indulged my obliviousness with a simple question;

“What do you think Harry?” he asked not unkindly, looking years older than he should have been. I gulped, I knew the answer already, clear as the day, I was almost entirely sure that the cancer snuggled in the frontal lobe of my brain. This had nothing to do with my lack of judgment.

“I want to go with S… I mean, Professor Snape.” Even though, I still couldn’t understand the man’s reasoning that day in the forbidden forest, I was not about to let my only chance at achieving my goals to flee.

Snape cut me off with a click of his tongue. “Potter has already agreed. Weeks ago, even before I had smuggled him out of the castle.” The headmaster’s eyes darkened at the mention of last week and I couldn’t help but smirk, knowing that Snape and I were harboring familiar faces.

“Smuggled an ill boy out of his sickbed in his pajamas, yes, what a splendid example of your sensibility Severus.” Poppy snapped.

Severus waved her off with a hand, obviously resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “If I wanted to be sensible, I would have been a Hufflepuff.”

“What of his treatment?” she abruptly asked, her face was red. I couldn’t remember for what reason right now.

“Albus and I have already discussed his treatment.” The man answered coolly.

“He cannot continue them” She stated the obvious merely for my benefit, as if warning me of what lay ahead, if what stopping the treatment really entailed. Death seemed the obvious side effect.

I gulped, my heart was hammering in my chest, suddenly not so sure about this plan; this was the furthest I had come in two months, all it took was Snape being a bastard and I was sitting here in this office, contemplating to drop chemotherapy and leave the only place I had considered as my home to probably never come back.

“Yes, he cannot, but he could be kept in decent health without the help of those. I suggested the boosting potion.”

She gasped, her eyes widening in horror. “That would only shorten his life.” I made a confused face, what were they talking about?

“It would prolong the /quality/ of his remained time,” the man corrected immediately. ”Yes; I admit that each dose might frighteningly decrease his chances at a longer life, but I think the decision is up to Potter.” He looked at me expectantly and I shook my head, anxious and timidly threading the hem of my shirt.

“What is a boosting potion? “I asked in a small voice, neither adults answered and the office was reduced to a tense silence. Professor Snape finally let out an insufferable sigh.

“It’s a much more complex and far more powerful version of the pepper up potion, Potter.” I could tell the very notion of watering down that information to simple words was painful for him, but I still couldn’t understand.

Seeing my lost expression made him sigh again, standing to move closer to my chair.

“It feeds of your magic, or rather acts as a catalyst for your magic to keep you in good health for a short period of time depending on the dose.” He finished explaining by glaring at the headmaster, who had long dropped in his chair, watching the exchange with hooded eyes.

“Why is that such a bad thing then?” I asked innocently.

“With an illness like yours, it wouldn’t take long for your magic to give out or gain immunity to it. You will die instantly.” Oh. So that was the downside of the potion, it gave me enough energy to get going, but it fueled off my magic, succeeding in shortening my life.

Honestly, I couldn’t say I was surprised, because I wasn’t; I knew I had to die eventually, a few months short wouldn’t make that much of a difference. I told myself.
But I had no idea how wrong I was then. Not in the slightest.

Snape saw my horrified expression and was quick to answer my unasked question. “With the doses I have personally formulated, he would have more than four months.”

Four months, tomorrow would be April the first, four months from then would be…July? As in the month of my birthday, could things get more ironic than that? I wondered. Would four months be enough to get down thirty one things out of my list?

Of course it was enough; I replied to myself, if anything, it was even poetic in a sense. A poetic death was not my forte, but eh, the more remarkable the better.
“July.” I muttered under my breath. “It would be in July, right? Then I take it.”

“Are you absolutely sure about this? Harry, you don’t have to decide now.”

“I want to go now. Four months is more than enough for me! Maybe I could even come back here before the deadline.”

“Harry, you could /die/.”

“But I’m dying now Madam Pomfrey, if not four months from now then it would be soon anyways, I want to do something meaningful, I want to live my life.”

“What of your family and friends?”

“They will understand. Please I need to do this.” I was begging her for nothing; I could already see the acceptances nestling in her deep brown eyes.

“Stopping the treatment at this stage…” she argued halfheartedly, Snape moved back to his seat in the meantime, leaning back and watching my intently with his head propped on his hand.

“Please Madam Pomfrey. I need this.” I told her, knowing that I needed her acceptance more than anything; her consent soothed my chaotic mind and left me in peace t sort out what I really wanted out of my short life.

“I can hardly stop you, now, can I?” she sighed, her voice finally broke and I dropped my chin in shame.

Snape nodded his head. “You could wish him good luck.”

She did wish me good luck, until the very last day, although I admit, that I used to drive her up the wall with my stubbornness, but she had always meant good.
Later on, she told me that letting me go that day was one of the hardest choices in her life and an outright violation to her vow as a healer. For some reason, that got to me much more than it should have.

The rest of that meeting was merely customary; Snape and Pomfrey did banter for a few minutes, the headmaster kept glancing at me with a sad smile as he instructed Severus (Snape, for me then) where to take me for my first destination, and I was simply up in the clouds.

“Albus.” Severus had said, his tone was hard and demanding.

The headmaster nodded his head. I was too happy to properly pay attention, or to remember much of what had been discussed after that point and the potion master later confirmed my suspicions. “Then it’s settled, Severus will receive the necessary information for you journey.” The first part has been addressed to me.

“The ingredients will be provided from the school’s budget, your first destination shall be in Devon I’d reckon, maybe in Lynton? You could also use the shell cottage in…”

Remember that name, the shell cottage later became a very important place for the two of us, it was a symbol of how our relationship had eventually developed, so to speak, and it was the first time I had been away from my ward in the infirmary and next to the seaside.

Dumbledore gave the instructions and the house description to my Professor and I was taken down to the ward for a nap, Pomfrey told me that I should rest for I had a long day ahead of me the next morning and I, as happy and as content I was, obeyed her without a fuss.



Before I proceed to the next morning, you also need to realize that the Weasleys were a big part of my life; Molly Weasley was basically the mother I never had, and their opinions really mattered to me. Their support never wavered, and I only hope that they understood my reasoning on this one too.

It took me longer than it took with Pomfrey; it was just as hard to convince Mrs. Weasley as it was to convince Ron, which made me realize where he had gotten his bullheadedness from, no offence to Mrs.Weasley though, but when it came to holding grudges or putting up petty fights, those two made the best team out of the whole clan of red heads.

Remus’s absence was only natural now, and I have been informed that the man had been made aware of my decision, still I did not receive a late owl that night when I was put to sleep, nor did he visit to see me go the next morning.

“Oh my dear boy!” Molly Weasley finally wailed, clutching me to her chest like an overprotective mother, I was smothered in her robes, flailing my arms indignantly.

“Molly, let the poor boy go before he suffocates.” Mr. Weasley tried to assuage his wife, by prying my body away from her arms.

“This isn’t acceptable! Simply not! Harry dear, please! I know what are you thinking right now, but think of us too, don’t let anyone decide for you…”

“Mom, I think this is his decision.” Bill_ the eldest son_ said soothingly, standing next to a grimacing Charlie, who awkwardly stood amongst the family, not quite sure how to react.

That was the day I decided that I liked Charlie the best.

“Anything but this! Harry dear, we could beat this cancer, if you just held on a little longer! Stopping your treatment in favor of…”

“Mrs.Weasley, I need this.” I tried to make her understand without revealing too much, her grip on my arm was getting quite painful though.

“Oh but you don’t know any better!” this set her off again, and I was once more drawn in a crushing hug, this time accompanied by the woman’s hiccup like sobs, as she stroked my frail hair. My eyes caught Ron’s blue ones and he glared halfheartedly; I knew the hurt he was feeling was not of my decision and rather the chaperon I was choosing for this task. I also knew Hermione would knock some sense into him soon enough.

“Please, Mrs. Weasley, I need all of you to get through this. Please don’t be mad at me.” I mumbled in her robes, wincing as her grip tightened a fraction.

“Oh Harry…”

“Of course we will support your wish.” Arthur finished his wife and I smiled, nervously moisturizing my lips.

This could end badly, my mind muttered. I know. I mumbled back, that was exactly what I was hoping for, for something to go right for once, to feel the same thrill that I did the other day. To feel alive at the peak of dying.


The next morning, I requested to be taken early in hopes to avoid a final confrontation with my friends or other students, and Snape seemed to prefer that as well, it was too early for me to be in the right mood and for him to make conversations or scold me for my poor clothing. We both were exhausted, after a restless night and I did not fancy comforting a sobbing Hermione minutes from departure.

I did left them letters though, so didn’t think they would feel awfully missed out; I didn’t have the time to focus on their feelings anymore.

“Are you ready Potter?” he asked instead of greeting and instantly went for my trunk.

I cleared my throat, the vial of the clear blue potion clutched in my hand as if it was a weapon, I was supposed to drink it under the man’s supervision only, and before we were set to leave Hogwarts. According to Pomfrey, each dose could hold me up for three days, so I would be perfectly content to swim and lap around by the sea for the next three days.

“Remember Potter, you cannot afford to waste a drop.” The man had said, my belongings safely shrunk and resting his pocket.

I uncorked the vial with shaking hands, not expecting him to stride and help me hold it in my shaking hands, tremors momentarily running through my body.
I bottomed up the vial in one go, my eyes shooting open at the vile taste; it tasted of rotten corpses, bitterly of ginger and awfully smelled of fish, it burned the walls of my mouth and my throat as it sluggishly slid down my throat. My back immediately straightened and my head felt lighter; any remnants of pain vanishing in a matter of seconds if not less.

I smiled at the man but he had already turned away.

“Hurry along. You can walk now.”

I paused only for a moment before doing so, throwing one last glance around the infirmary, knowing that it would be the last time, my conversation last night with madam Pomfrey came to my mind.

/”Take care of yourself, alright Potter?” she told me softly, her demeanor was tense and her face screwed, pruned with effort.

I smiled. “I can send letters if you want Madam Pomfrey.” I told her sweetly.

She chocked back a laugh; unshed tears glistered in her eyes. “You do that Potter.” /

The hallways were vacant, aside from the occasional chirping (bloody birds), and the talking knights and the consistent mumbling of the portraits, the shape click of our shoes was the only other sound disrupting Hogwarts’s peace.

I lingered by the bridge, knowing that this would be the last time I would ever get to enjoy this breathtaking view ever again, I tightened my robes around my frail body, my eyes set on the large pine trees racing to the top of the sky, surrendering us like a sanctuary and that bridge was our only way to the outside world.
I shook my head as I saw Snape had also stopped to watch me with an expression, I couldn’t place.

“Potter?”

I rushed to his side, surprised that I hadn’t fallen down my on face.

“I’m sorry sir.” I apologized breathlessly, thinking the man would be mad at me for stalling him.

“For what it’s worth, I am too Potter.” The man said, and I only stared, bewildered by the man’s behavior, my hands clenched as we both stood there for a moment and enjoyed the view, I stared at the peaking sun with mesmerized eyes and a fluttering heart, feeling the changes already.

‘Sometimes you just have to fade away, to dissipate into nothingness, to leave and take nothing with you. Leave everything behind, friends, family, leave your name behind and start anew, sometimes you leave everything but your name behind, and it fades by itself over time, scabs over like an old wound…but there are times when your name would be the bleeding reminder of your presence for eternity, and wasn’t that what we wanted all?’
To be continued...
End Notes:
the frontal lobe of the brain's associated with reasoning, planning, parts of speech, movement, emotions, and problem solving.

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