Dear Harry,

If you’re reading this letter, that means two things. The first and the most obvious: I am dead. The second is that I didn’t have the courage to tell you the following things in person. For that, I am ashamed.

I am an old woman, Harry and truth be told, I expected to be dead long before this. I have gone through so much in my life that, frankly, I’m amazed that my heart managed to take it all and continued to beat.

 Before I go any further in my letter to you, Harry, I must tell you. My birth name is Eileen Prince. After marriage, I became Eileen Snape. Iris Pierce is the name I took on from Jasmine’s mother. The real Iris Pierce passed away several years ago, and it was convenient for me, for many reasons, to take on that identity, and if you aren’t angry at me by now, Harry, I will explain everything to you.

I suppose my story truly starts with my marriage to Tobias Snape. I grew up in a Pureblood family. My family name might have been Prince, and we had enough money to live comfortably, but we never were as rich as the Malfoys. Indeed, very few people are. The Malfoy family have always been predisposed to the natural gift of making money, whatever the means. Each new generation seems to be even better at it than the last. Wily people, those Malfoys. And please remember this, Harry. It’s important that you do.

Regardless, being a Pureblood has its own trappings. There are certain expectations. Most who grow up in a Pureblood family tend to look down on muggles, treating them as anywhere from clever little pets to be indulged or vicious animals to be put down. Please try not to dismiss us so harshly, Harry. When it comes down to it all, the way purebloods treat muggles and muggle-borns comes from a place of fear.

When I first met Tobias, I was charmed. He was different from the polished wizards with whom I grew up. He was rough and honest, and most importantly, he was the opposite of what my family wanted from me. Perhaps an act of rebellion made me leave my family behind and marry a muggle like Tobias.

At first, Tobias thought my inability to keep house was due to my upbringing as a pampered princess. That played a part, but the truth was, with magic, I was never brought up to do anything the muggle way.

Tobias and I eloped after we found out that we were expecting our first child together. I had no choice but to confess that I was a witch. Although I still had my wand, I had not used magic since I married him, and even after my son was born, my wand had to stay away for fear of Tobias’ wrath.           

After finding out I was a witch, Tobias changed so completely that I was shocked. His lack of acceptance brought back all those lessons my parents had drilled in me about muggles. However, it was too late by then. Tobias had a firm grip on me by that point, and I had no choice but to stay, especially for the sake of my child.

When we realised our son was a wizard, I expected Tobias to throw us both out. Surprisingly, he did not do that. We were both allowed to stay, but it was a double-edged sword. Tobias was controlling and exacting. Expecting everything had to be the way he wanted it to be. Everything had to be normal. In some ways, he was not that different to your Uncle Vernon. It was rare; Tobias occasionally had his acts of kindness. It was enough to lull me into believing my situation was not bad. I was only deluding myself. Still, whilst married to Tobias, I learned how to live like a muggle. I still taught my son everything I knew, everything I could to give him a head start.

I must tell you about my son, Harry. I could not describe my fear when you asked me if my son was Holly’s father. You cannot imagine how close you came to discover all my secrets then, how close I came to confess all. Yet, you didn’t press the issue. You saw my distress, and your innate kindness did not allow you to pressure me to tell you, even though you could have, and it was your right.

So, as you’ve no doubt guessed, Harry, the Severus Snape you complained about in your letters, the cruel Potions Master who never marked you fairly and attempted to fail you at every turn, he is my son. Every time you mentioned Severus in your letters, my heart leapt because I wanted to know him so badly but trembled in fear and shame in how he treated you.

I abandoned my son, Harry. Long before I physically left him behind, I abandoned him. After we married, Tobias and I lived in a small town called Cokeworth. It was a town of mills and factories, and Tobias worked in one of those for barely anything. I never complained about how little money he made, but we both thought about what I had before we married. My parents had not formally disinherited me, but they made it clear that I was not welcome back. And I suppose I was too proud to go back anyhow.

Between both our feelings of pride, Severus suffered the most. Tobias took out his anger on both of us when he had been at the drink for too long. I tried to protect Severus from his temper as best as I could. My best was not good enough, however. Due to my ignorance of muggle culture, I might have made things worse when providing simple things like clothing to Severus. It made him a laughing stock in the town, and he found it challenging to fit in. Even growing up amongst muggles, he was sheltered from them.

His one shining light in his whole miserable situation was your mother, Lily Evans, as she was then known. He met her for the first time when he was eight. The same age you were when Holly and I first came across you. He was so excited when he saw another witch. I knew he was smitten with Lily from the first moment he met her. He knew she was muggle-born. He could hardly contain his excitement to be the first to tell she was a witch. He always talked about how beautiful she was. How smart and clever she was. Without even speaking to her, she had his loyalty, and she did not even know it.

Severus came home after telling her she was a witch, and I could tell by his expression that their first meeting had not gone well. Severus could be a little stubborn in his own right sometimes. That’s something he inherited from Tobias and me. He also walked away with a bad impression of Lily’s sister, Petunia.

I had met Petunia a couple of times when she was younger. She asked all sorts of questions about Hogwarts. I knew straight away that she was jealous that she was not a witch too. I had seen that look many times in the eyes of squibs, treated like dirty little secrets. Even in mine, I’m sad to say. 

Petunia wished she was a witch so badly that Severus told me she had written to Dumbledore at Hogwarts and asked if she could attend too. Petunia mishandled her rejection and twisted everything to suit her own mentality. That was the beginning of Petunia’s journey on a path of hatred for all things magical.

I blame myself for that. I know Severus mistreated her. So badly. His perception of muggles was coloured by the way his father treated him. They were children at the end of the day, and they could only take their cue from their elders. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I did not help matters either. I could not fully protect my son from Tobias’ wrath, and I perpetuated the whole cycle.

When Severus entered Hogwarts, I knew he would be Sorted Slytherin. He was always so clever and so ambitious. He wanted to be respected and a better life for himself. It was not an ambition I could begrudge, given our life with Tobias. 

Severus was devastated when Lily was Sorted Gryffindor. They had been friends for years at that point, and I knew their friendship would be tested. It was awful to be so right.

Severus was often bullied by four boys, though only two were more vicious than the other two. Severus believes they were trying to take Lily away from him. They had already judged him for being a Slytherin. As you know, their names were Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter.

Is it not a coincidence that all four were prominently mentioned in your third year? I could have told you then about Sirius Black, and you don’t know, my child, how badly I wanted to. I should have told you. I had no right to keep that information from you, and all I could do was warn you not to sneak around. I know how much it hurt you when you mentioned your father and his friends in your letter to me. I was very much surprised when Regulus began writing to you in earnest.

Although as you told me that Sirius turned out to be innocent, it was not difficult for me to believe he had gone bad. Not from the way he treated my son. You might say I was biased. I was his mother, after all. All I knew was that my son suffered at their hands. As far as I was concerned, Sirius Black was raised to believe everything Voldemort touted. I knew the Blacks, you see. Their reputation was as black as their name.

Severus was friends with their youngest, Regulus, briefly. Severus mentioned him to me, though he was wary of being close friends with Sirius’ brother.  Sirius believed he was better than his family, better than Severus because he was a Gryffindor. A rebellious change of House did not change his nature. Severus might not have had a gentle nature, not like you, but they pushed at my boy, Harry. They pushed and they pushed and they pushed.

And Severus snapped.

Except when he snapped, he took it out on the wrong person. He called his best friend a mudblood. Lily, who stood by him through everything. I knew he regretted it. He begged her forgiveness so many times, but Lily was stubborn in her own right.

Severus was devastated; he was wracked with guilt and distressed by his actions. His temper got the best of him.

That was when I started to teach him Occlumency. So, he could learn to control his emotions better. It was probably the worse thing I could have taught him. He hid himself away from me. When I sent you the book so you could learn, I was so terrified that you would hide away from me as well.

And then I made another mistake. I could see the dark path Severus was going down. Nothing I could deter him from that. That summer after his OWL year, Severus spent the summer with his pureblood friends. Friends like Malfoy, Mulciber and Avery.

It was the middle of the summer holidays. Severus was barely home. Lily came to me one day, wanting to speak to Severus. She missed his friendship. She missed him and wanted to try again with him. I don’t know what possessed me that day. I turned her away. I refused to let her speak to Severus. Severus had been wrong to call her that, and she had been wrong to use it as an excuse to break friends with. I could not tell you whom I thought I was protecting that day. Was I protecting Severus from more heartbreak if Lily turned her back on him again? He inherited his temper from Tobias. I could see Severus lashing out again, taking out his anger on Lily, who did not deserve it.

Was I protecting Lily from Severus? From the heartbreak and guilt, she would suffer if she could not deter Severus from this path I knew he was walking down. I interfered when I should not have. I often think about how different events might have turned if I had told Severus Lily was willing to give him another chance.

If you have continued to read this far, Harry, I thank you for your patience.

But the worst is yet to come.

I told you I abandoned my son.

I was so wracked with guilt for the wedge I drove between Severus and Lily that I seemed to be making mistake after mistake. Severus loved me. I never doubted that. However, seeing how Tobias treated me, even though I was a powerful witch in my own right, he lost respect for me. It was dark times back then. Voldemort was slowly on the rise. People were dying, disappearing, fleeing.

I could not stop Severus from the path he was on. He was growing bitter. When I could see Severus no longer respected me, a part of me shattered. I could not believe what I had let myself become. So, I left. I had no money to my name. Severus was already sixteen by that point. He did not have long until he reached his majority.

My son was making a name for himself, and I knew he was already trying to find a Master he could apprentice under. He was intelligent and ambitious. He lacked the right connections, but because of my marriage to a muggle, he would always be overlooked for someone who had blood purer than his.

I tried to give him one last gift before I left. I could not leave him alone with Tobias. Without myself there as a buffer, I thought it would only be a matter of time before one of them killed the other.

I know you have made acquaintances with Lucius Malfoy. Before I left Severus, I made a deal with his father, Abraxas. I knew Lucius and Severus had become friends. Abraxas was a friend of the Prince family. As with the majority of the Pureblood families, most are related in some way. In recent years the gaps between some families became smaller and smaller. The Malfoys were shrewd enough to avoid that, but that is going off-topic.

My point, Harry, is that to make a deal with a Malfoy is akin to making a deal with the devil. It must be done with great cunning because a Malfoy will always work a deal to their own best advantage, even if they like you. It is simply in a Malfoy’s nature. It is rare for a Malfoy to be held over a barrel. To my luck, I had managed to do this, and I managed to use it to my advantage.

With the help of Abraxas and a former disgraced family member, I disappeared. In fact, he made it appear that there was a possibility that I was dead. Apart from Abraxas, only certain goblins knew of my deceit, but they could not say anything under confidentiality laws. I managed to siphon some funds from my trust account, which was transferred over to Severus once he reached his majority. It meant at least I never had to worry about money. And neither did Severus.

Abraxas and my distant cousin were my only contact with the wizarding. And it was Abraxas’s task to look after Severus. He took on Severus as his ward, arranged a suitable apprenticeship and helped him look after the inheritance he received once he completed his Mastery.

As far as Severus knows, I might be dead. If I’m honest, that is what I wished he believed, rather than knowing I abandoned him. I tried to do all I could for him before I left. Was any of it right? No, it was not. Do I regret it? Every day. Would I do it again, knowing how things turned out? I want to think I could be braver, but the truth is, Harry, I just don’t know.

I spent several years away from my family. I continued to live like a muggle; I even managed to find myself a different wand. Again, courtesy of Abraxas. Eventually, I think Abraxas became fond of me and, thankfully, of Severus. The curious thing about a Malfoy, Harry, that I’ve noticed. They will squeeze every drop of usefulness out of you, spit you out and not even look back. But if you manage to capture their loyalty, they are yours for life. Abraxas informed me that Lucius was extremely loyal to Severus, not that my son knew it.

I don’t know if it was something I did or if it was something Severus did, but Abraxas went beyond the bargain we had struck. Oh, he got something out of it, too, there’s no doubt about that, but he truly pulled off something spectacular for me. He gave me Holly.

You see, Malfoy Manor has some formidable wards. If an owl is unfamiliar, it will not be allowed through. When Jasmine fell pregnant with Severus’ child, she did everything to get Severus’ attention. But he ignored her and thought her a liar. Blocked her every owl. He was wrong clearly, but I suppose I understand his caution. He said some very harsh things to Jasmine. Whatever he said to her in their last meeting together broke something inside her. I don’t know what that girl was like before she met Severus. But after their break up, she was a shell of a person. When she built herself back up, even she knew she had changed.

Jasmine went through a tough pregnancy. Alone. She had no family. She had no friends. No support and no way to fend for herself. She was just a muggle-born. So, disillusioned, she fell out of the Magical world. Abraxas somehow found out about Jasmine being pregnant with Severus’ child, possibly because he noticed the owls that kept getting turned away. He never did confirm how. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he told me. 

I found Jasmine in a hovel, not fit for anything. A leaking roof, no heating, and barely any food. With her education in the wizarding world, she had no qualifications in the muggle world to find employment to support herself, let alone her child.

Using a little magic and some forgery, I gave myself a new name. I took on the name of her mother, Iris Pierce. The real Iris had died several months before our meeting.

Jasmine had no interest in anything. She gave up caring for herself and her unborn baby. She refused to call me her mother, and I could not begrudge her that. I did explain to her who I was. She did not care why I came to her. She gave her word that she would not tell anyone. She did not even take the money I offered her.

I tried to do my best for Holly. You have to believe me, Harry; I truly did. I looked at Holly as my second chance. Away from Tobias, I could raise a child, as a child deserved to be raised. Holly was my granddaughter. Tobias couldn’t raise her, even if he wanted to. He turned Jasmine away when she went to ask for help to contact Severus.

Yet, despite my intentions, Holly suffered much neglect at Jasmine’s hand. I always wondered why Jasmine did not just let me take full custody of Holly. I think, even though she lost the ability to show it, she did love her daughter on some level. She told me once she loved Severus, and I think I believe her. I should have fought Jasmine harder for Holly. It might sound like an excuse, Harry, but the reason I didn’t push too hard for Holly was, that I was afraid of the consequences, you see. Jasmine knew my real name. She knew my muggle paperwork was a forgery. She could have got me into a lot of trouble, and I would never have seen Holly again.

Then I met you. You were my other reason for staying. I couldn’t leave you behind. You see, Harry, I recognised you straight away. You have beautiful eyes, just like Lily. Lily was a kind, brave soul, but she never had that look that you had in your eyes. I remember seeing that look in Severus’ eyes so many times. Every time Tobias crushed more of his spirit.

When I saw you, I thought I was given a second chance to make amends for the wrong I had done to Lily. I saw how Petunia and her brute of a husband were treating you, and every time you came to me for healing, I felt a shard of guilt pierce my heart. I know you were always confused as to why I cursed Petunia’s name instead of Vernon’s when it was Vernon who took the belt to you.

Vernon is a narrow-minded bastard. Violence was in his nature, and I can’t imagine anything you would have done would have made a difference to him. Yet, even I could tell that he was allowed to hurt you because Petunia never held him back. That is why I cursed Petunia. She could have stopped Vernon at any point, and he would have listened to her because as hard as it is to believe he did love her. He might still have resented you, but for Petunia’s sake, he would have held back. Vernon was nothing more than a wand. Petunia was the one who cast the spell. I suppose it was the only magic she had, making you miserable out of jealousy and past slights, perceived or not, from her days with Lily.

I know, also, that Severus treated you abominably. Like Petunia, my son was also caught in a haze of bitterness. As you’ve been told so many times, you do look quite a bit like your father, James. If I know my son, he resented your very existence. He loved Lily. So much. I know she loved him back. I don’t know if that love could have evolved into something more. I just know Severus blamed James Potter for taking Lily from him. Even after James began to date Lily, he and his friends still took any opportunity they could to make him miserable. Without Lily holding him back, Severus took all the wrong paths, and I enabled him by making sure Lily did not return to him.

Why am I telling you this, Harry? Because you deserve to know.

I am sorry for the way Petunia and Severus treated you. I feel I hold much to blame for my part in it. You were more than my penance, Harry. Had things worked out better for Severus and Lily, you might have been my grandson by blood. I love you the same way I love Holly. Ever since I laid eyes on you, I wanted to hear you call me Oma like Holly did because I already accepted you as mine. It took so much courage to say it to you, and I knew I had to before you left for Hogwarts. So, I taught you the same things I would have liked to teach her if I could live longer. I hope one day you will teach her what knowledge I have passed on to you.

I began to fall ill not long after Abraxas passed away. And no, I don’t believe it was because he did something to me that would affect my health after his death, though the thought briefly crossed my mind. Perhaps it was the lies and guilt catching up with me.

Amongst the many things I lied to you about was my health. I knew I was dying. The miracle is how long I managed to cling to life. I only ever went to muggle doctors and only when I needed to. I never tried to look for a magical fix. I only told you that to placate you. You always worried about me so much. Your concern only increased my guilt.

I hope you can forgive me for everything I have done to you wrong, you, my child. And I beg your forgiveness for telling you this after my passing. I was too cowardly to tell you any of this in person. I suppose I did not want to see the hate in your eyes if I confessed to you in person. I did not want to see the love and respect you had for me drain away as it did with Severus.

I have no right to ask this, but please try to find it in your heart to forgive him. You are a kind person, Harry. Kinder than anyone else would be in your situation. I am not asking for you to do this for me, my son. The decision is entirely yours. I enclose a gift and a letter for Severus, which I have entrusted to you. I shall trust you to give them to Severus when you believe he is ready for them. He deserves closure after all this time. Forgive me for placing more burdens on you.  I know you’re not a spiteful boy, however, if you decide to throw away mine and my son’s letter, I would not blame you in the slightest. 

Look after my children for me, and remember, you are mine too.  

Remember, too, I love you.

With love,

Oma