December 3, 1991

Severus felt utterly exhausted this morning. After finally reigning in his emotions, he took a long hot shower and dressed for the day. He sat down on the couch, glanced at the clock, and saw it was only 6:30 am. He still had an hour before breakfast started, but he really did not want to be in the presence of the headmaster right now. He was still a little fuzzy on what happened last night after the headmaster practically told him that he had no right to love his son.

“Damn you, Albus,” Severus said aloud to himself. His and Harry’s relationship took a turning point this weekend and they were beginning to heal each other. Harry needed Severus for the parental affection he was starved of and to help heal the wounds caused by his relatives whereas Severus needed Harry to fill the huge void in his life he didn’t realize he had until he met his son. Harry’s smile, laughter, caring heart, and vivid green eyes allowed him to love again and open his heart up to someone after Lily.

Unfortunately, Severus now felt as though he didn’t deserve Harry in his life. As much as he loathed to admit, the headmaster did technically have a point… right? ‘No Severus… you didn’t know he was yours, obviously if you knew you would never have done that...’ he started to think. ‘But what sick man asks you to practically allow a dark wizard to brutally murder a baby?’

Severus got up and saw the shattered bottle of fire whiskey from earlier this morning. He groaned; he really needed a drink now. ‘For heaven’s sake Severus, pull yourself together you are not your father!’ he thought to himself. He had to admit that now he felt like absolute shit. How could he go on and pretend like everything was fine with his son? He knew he had to tell Harry before they could continue their relationship; he didn’t want to start a relationship with his son based on a lie. Severus began to tear up as he thought about how Harry might react. He thought of all the ways Harry would say how he despised him and what a true piece of shit he was, but he had to do this. The sooner the better, especially since he is leaving tomorrow morning to prepare for his mission.

Severus glanced at the clock and saw it was now time for breakfast, so he quickly wiped his face with a damp cloth and made his way to the great hall to face the brutal day he was sure in for.

****

“Boys come on!” Hermione shouted to her two friends. They were just finishing up lunch, but if they didn’t start walking in the next minute, they would be late to their potions class which was down in the dungeons.

“Sorry, ‘Mione, I’m not used to eating this much so it’s taking me longer,” Harry said as he finished the last bite of his sandwich and stood up to grab his bag.

“I just don’t wanna go,” Ron said with his mouth half full of a biscuit.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Way to be pleasant, Ron,” she said and turned around to start walking out of the Great Hall with her two friends trailing.

The three Gryffindors made it to class with two minutes to spare. Immediately upon walking in, they noticed they were the last people to arrive and Professor Snape was already standing at his podium with his arms crossed over his chest.

“That will be five points from each of you for being tardy,” Snape drawled out.

“But Professor class doesn’t start for another minute now,” Harry argued.

“Listen here, Potter,” Snape spat, “you knew very well on the first day I gave specific instructions to arrive five minutes early so you’re not running around like a headless horseman trying to figure out what you are doing. I suggest that you get to your seats and stop keeping me from teaching.”

The three rushed to sit down next to Neville, but as they were walking to their table, Draco stuck his foot out which caused Ron to trip and fall hard to the ground. Harry spun around when he heard his friend crash to the ground and saw Draco snickering, but before he could say anything Severus’s voice cut in.

“Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, I assure you this will be the last time I warn you to get to your seats,” Severus said assertively.

“But sir!” Harry exclaimed. “It’s not our fault! Malfoy trip-” he began but was cut off by Severus.

“Another ten points each from Gryffindor and you will be serving detention with me tonight, Potter for your insolence. Meet me here at 7 pm and do not be late!” Severus bellowed sternly.

Harry groaned and made his way to his seat with Ron. Even though he knew his dad had to be an arsehole to him in class it still sucked.

He had to admit that he was still upset by his dad’s aggressiveness throughout the whole class and hardly managed to brew an acceptable potion. Instead of the pale purple color, it was more gray and goopy. When he and Ron went to turn it in at the end of the class, Severus sat at his desk with just a brow raised at both boys. Ron gulped whereas Harry seemed passive.

“I will tell you, boys, right now, this potion isn’t even worth the pen stroke it would take for me to write unacceptable,” Severus said to the two boys.

Harry shrugged and walked away without saying anything. Ron stood still for a moment with his jaw practically hanging open and then apologized to the professor and ran after Harry.

“Harry! What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing? Even if he is your… you know what,” Ron whispered the last part, “you still can’t do that! My mum or dad would’ve bloody murdered me!”

Harry again just shrugged and turned towards his friend. “Yeah, but he’s not your dad. He and I can’t have that relationship… We’ll never be able to.”

“Harry mate, it’s just for now,” Ron began but Harry shook his head.

“Just don’t worry about it now. I have to get ready for Quidditch practice, I’ll see you later,” Harry said and took off.

Ron sighed and shook his head. He wished he could tell Hermione because he knew she’d talk some sense into him.

****

Quidditch practice ended almost an hour ago, but Harry was still sitting in the stands of the pitch. It was getting dark out and he knew he should go in soon because he did have that detention to serve, but if he was being honest with himself, he really couldn’t bring himself to see his dad right now.

It’s not like what happened in today’s class was terrible. There have been other times when Severus acted like a true git towards him, but today’s actions seemed to bother him. Maybe it’s because he finally felt like Severus was his dad and to have your dad act that way when you did absolutely nothing wrong made him feel upset. It also dawned on him that he never will truly get to experience what a father/son relationship would be like. They would never be a normal family. He knew his dad cared about him and Harry had to admit that he cared about him too but having to pretend is starting to take a toll on him.

If Harry was being honest, it made him feel like shit. He secretly loathed families like the Weasleys or the way the Dursleys treated Dudley. They made having a family seem so easy, but to Severus and Harry, they were facing a much higher level of complexity.

Harry checked his wristwatch and saw that it was already 6:45 pm. He looked down at the broom that was laying by his feet and sighed, remembering the day his dad gave it to him. He remembered feeling loved when he saw his dad in the stands smiling at him even though he was playing against his own house. He just needed more time to think, and he didn’t think being with his dad tonight would allow him to do that.

He concluded to skip his detention and speak to his dad tomorrow morning when he was fully rested and hopefully had a clear head.

****

Severus was pacing his classroom. It was now 7:45 and he wanted to strangle that blasted boy. He kept going back and forth between feeling worried that something happened and feeling angry that his son could be so irresponsible.

After another ten minutes of pacing, he walked into his office and threw down Floo powder to Floo call Minerva.

“Severus,” Minerva answered. “How may I help you?”

“Would you mind checking the Gryffindor dorm and see if Mr. Potter is there?” Severus asked.

After agreeing to check, Minerva came back a few minutes later. “Yes, Severus. Harry is in his dorm. Would you like me to get him?”

“No, that is fine. Thank you, Minerva,” Severus answered and disconnected.

Now Severus was fuming. Not only did Harry worry him, but the brat dared to skip detention completely. Severus wanted to march right on up there and shake the boy until he had some common sense. He quickly decided against that since he knew it would never end well.

Severus entered his quarters and saw his pile of parchment. ‘Those damn speaking notes that I wasted my whole afternoon on!’ He thought to himself. Yet again, Severus made a list of how to get his message across to Harry, but now he figured it was useless. He crumpled it up and threw it across the room; he would toss it later.

After drinking a nice cup of herbal tea, Severus began to calm down a bit. Now instead of anger, he felt hurt that his son would blow him off. He was leaving in the morning and now he wouldn’t get to say goodbye to the little twat. He sat on the couch and looked up at the clock. It was now nearing midnight and he didn’t want to wake Harry up now, especially if Harry seemed to have no interest in him.

‘Damn, you were making progress,’ Severus thought to himself. He decided a letter would have to suffice until he could explain it to him after the break. Severus sat at the small stationery in his quarters and attempted to write his letter many times to his son. After almost ten attempts and sheets of parchment crumpled up on the floor, Severus finally found the correct words.
****

"Harry,

I am writing to you simply because there was not enough time to explain. I will be going away for a mission and will not be returning until the start of the new term. As poorly timed as this mission was, it is very important and must be completed. I had hoped that we would have traveled back to my home and celebrated our first boxing day together as a family. I apologize for not being able to follow through with that plan, but I promise I will make it up to you after the break.

Now, even though I will be away, I am including this wristband for you to wear. Wear this every day and tap on the medallion three times if you are in danger. It will notify me immediately as I have the matching one and I will be able to come to you right away.

I must keep this goodbye short for many reasons, but we will discuss more when I return.

Please behave yourself, son, and make sure to get ahead in your studies for next term. Reading ahead always helps! I will know if you did not.

SS

P.S. This letter is charmed so only you can read it, but after you are finished cast an Incendio"

****

Severus sealed the letter and decided to make the trip to deliver it now instead of rushing in the morning and forgetting.

Instead of turning right to head towards the owlery, Severus turned left and headed straight up to Gryffindor tower. He stealthily slid in and was thankful no one was in the common room. It was just after 2 am now and he did not want to have to explain himself. He quietly snuck into the first-year boys' dormitory and headed over to his son’s bed.

He gently lifted the tangled blankets to Harry’s chin and let his hand fall gently on top of the boy's unruly mop of hair, sweeping a few stray bangs out of his eyes. He placed the letter underneath his pillow and then took one last glance at Harry and then as gently as possible, kissed right above his brow.

“I love you, my little boy,” Severus whispered and stalked out of the room to get ready for his departure.