H.P.

Harry filled a glass with water and then put it down suddenly, not trusting himself not to spill the liquid or drop the glass without a spell. Snape had made him research spells that would help with his nerve damage. He’d said some stuff about him needing to be proactive or something, but he’d probably just been trying to distract him from thinking about the attack and Dobby’s death. As if looking up a few spells would do all that much to distract him from the guilt.

'Ineffundo.' The spell was supposed to stop the liquid spilling when he wasn’t drinking out of the glass, but it didn't look as though it had worked. It was used for toddlers and small children mostly, which was more irritating than the complicated wand movement. Harry frowned, shaking his arm out as if it would make a difference. 'Ineffundo,' he said again with more force, but his wand hand twitched as he incanted. 'Sir, could you...?' he gestured vaguely at the glass.

Snape looked up from his marking, red ink scrawled across the unfortunate student’s essay in his spidery script. 'No.'

'Seriously? I just want a drink.'

'Then cast the spell,' Snape challenged.

'I can't.' He stabbed his wand at the glass, almost close enough to knock it over. 'INEFFUNDO. See?'

'You're getting frustrated that your spell hasn't worked the first time. You do the same thing when you try to heal yourself. If you don't concentrate, then you are just an idiot shouting nonsense and waving a stick.'

'So, I'm an idiot?'

Snape put his quill down and for a second Harry thought that he was going to relent. No chance of that though. 'Put your wand down and breathe. Think about the spell, how to say the incantation, the wand movement. Pick your wand up, relax your shoulders and wait for the right time.'

He knew what Snape was doing. Put your wand down, calm down and then try again. It wasn't going to change anything. He wasn't just going to be able to do it because he'd taken a couple of deep breaths. 'It didn't work.'

'Then try it again,' Snape replied without sympathy.

Harry let out a growl of frustration, thoroughly tempted to throw his stupid, useless wand across the room. Before he could do anything Snape swiftly got to his feet and raised his arm, his wand millimetres from Harry's neck. Instincts taking over, Harry ducked away, raising his own wand, and backed away around the table.

Snape pursued him, closing the distance between them. 'You've just told me you can't use your wand. If it's useless to you, put it down.'

'Protego.' Harry's shield hovered in the air between them for a moment. 'I didn't say I couldn't do magic. I said I couldn't do that spell. The wand movement's different.'

Snape crossed his arms, his gaze assessing. 'I've seen you do that spell and you've been getting better, not worse.'

'I can't do all the spells, all right?’ he erupted, annoyed at everything, at the rubbish day he’d just had, at the Prophet, at his friends and at Snape for being exactly the git they thought he was. ‘Quit acting like I just need to try a bit harder or concentrate more. Sometimes I just can't do them.'

'You cannot cast the spell because you're frustrated, not because you are incapable. The only thing stopping you from doing magic in this moment is you,' Snape growled, making what looked like an enormous effort not to give in to his own temper.

'Well, I'm more frustrated now, aren't I? It's not bad enough that I can't do the spell myself, now you're having a go at me about it too.'

'If your emotions are the problem, then control them.' Harry just stared and Snape sighed like he was the one being annoying. 'Occlude.'

Harry let out an 'oh' of understanding. He couldn't have just said that from the start, could he?

'Ineffundo.' The spell didn't take and Harry cast Snape a look that plainly said See? All the same, he was surprised when Snape cast the spell for him and handed him the glass.

'Try to control your emotions the first time you fail, otherwise there is no point in trying again.'

S.S.

Severus put down his quill and sat back in the kitchen chair, his back creaking unpleasantly at the change in position. With a flick of his wand, he banished the stack of marked essays to his office. Setting essays was effective at keeping misbehaving students occupied, but the more he set the less time he had to work on the horcrux removal potion. Between the adoption process, his responsibilities as head of house, Order meetings and training Harry, he simply didn’t have enough time. How long would they have before the Dark Lord tried to kill Harry again? The potion absolutely had to be ready, but he was no closer to a solution than when he started.

Severus rose from the table, surprised as a wave of exhaustion washed over him. He nudged open the door to Harry’s room on his way to bed, only to find the child sitting bolt upright, breathing deeply.

‘Not the usual nightmare?’ he asked, unsure whether Harry was managing to wake himself sooner or if he simply hadn’t visited the graveyard this time. Every scream reminded Severus of that night. It was bad enough he’d been tortured; he shouldn’t have to relive the experience in his dreams.

He shook his head. ‘You don’t have to check on me. If I’m not screaming the place down, you might as well get some sleep.’ 

‘I was passing by.’

Harry frowned. ‘It’s pretty late to still be working. Isn’t it like two in the morning?’ He’d hazarded a fairly accurate guess, but Severus wasn’t in the mood to discuss his working habits.

‘I have a lot to do.’ He pulled out Harry’s desk chair and took a seat beside his bed. ‘I didn’t speak to you this evening. How was school?’

‘Fine. Same as,’ Harry said shortly before relenting slightly. ‘No one thinks Voldemort is back, other than the Slytherins with Death Eater parents, and people think I’m insane because I got tortured and I want to be adopted by you.’

‘And the Slytherins? Am I going to hear that you’ve decided to fight five of them singlehandedly again?’

‘No, I’ll check there’s no more than three next time,’ he smarted back. ‘They’re pretty mad at you too and Voldemort must have it in for you now. What if they try something?’ he asked before Severus could chastise him for the sarcasm. He looked down at his duvet as he spoke, picking at a loose thread.

‘Having the power to expel students has its benefits.’

‘If something did happen to you,’ Harry began, still picking at his covers, ‘it would be my fault, like what happened to Dobby.’

‘The elf’s death was not your fault. Dobby wasn’t stupid or incapable of making decisions; the headmaster asked him to protect you and he agreed to it. He knew it would put him in danger.’

‘There’s agreeing to do something dangerous and then there’s getting killed for no reason.’

‘Allow other people the luxury of bearing the consequences for the risks they are willing to take. I can no longer spy for the Order, but I can protect you. If, during the next war, I die doing just that then it will not be your fault. I was never forced to take you in.’

‘Yeah, but if I didn’t exist–’

‘Who would have stopped the Dark Lord the first time? Harry, you can miss him and you can mourn him, but you can’t bear the burden of guilt for his death.’

‘I called for him.’

Severus leant forward. ‘If Crouch had taken it into his head to kill Weasley and you hadn’t called for the elf you would have known you’d deliberately ignored help that was offered to you. I know everything you have been through weighs heavily on you and I know that nothing these past few weeks has been close to easy, but I do not like seeing you become progressively more unhappy.’

Harry bit his lip. ‘I need my friends too and I really need them to be okay with the adoption.’

Severus sighed, a long harsh sound. He allowed Harry to stay in the Tower as often as the dreamless sleep allowed but there were still too many nights that Harry was left alone. His intention was never to isolate his son from his friends, even if he did find Gryffindors objectionable. ‘If you behave yourself, both of you, then Weasley may sleep over.’

‘Yes!’ The broad grin spread across his son’s face almost made it worth having Weasley invade his quarters.

He held up a finger. ‘One time, Harry. And if either of you cause trouble–’

‘We won’t. Best behaviour,’ Harry promised, still beaming.

H.P.

The staring and the whispering hardly bothered him as he crossed the Great Hall that morning. Snape had given in! Ron was going to stay over and then he’d finally see that Harry was happy and the adoption was a good thing. First, he’d convince Ron, then everyone else would realise it too.

He threw himself down beside Hermione and loaded up his plate with bacon and eggs. He skipped over the beans. He didn’t need all of Gryffindor seeing him make a mess when he couldn’t hold his fork steady.

‘Doesn’t seem like Snape’s thrilled about the whole adoption thing, if you ask me,’ Dean muttered as he stuffed his bag a touch too aggressively under the dining hall table. ‘He just docked me five points on my way to the table.’

‘What did you do?’ Harry asked, craning around to look at Snape on the teacher’s table. How had Snape had time to dock points in the amount of time it took to cross the room? Snape saw his look of consternation and met it with an impassive look of his own as he drank his tea.

‘What did I do?’ Dean repeated, outraged. ‘You want your head checking, Harry. You’ve lost it.’

‘Shut up,’ Harry snapped, his face flushing with anger.

‘Oi, it’s not Harry’s fault if Snape’s a git,’ Ron interjected, accidentally flicking tomato sauce at Dean as he jabbed his fork towards him.

Snape’s constant foul mood was putting everyone on edge. People were beginning to claw back some house points but only because they had learnt to stay completely silent in potions. Now you weren’t even safe outside of class. It was as though he suddenly hated every student at the school as much as he once hated Harry, taking a savage pleasure in assigning detentions and docking points.

‘Charms first,’ Hermione said in a falsely bright voice. ‘We can head up early if you like.’

Ron made a noise of complaint around a hash brown, but Harry was already picking up his bag. He wanted to grab a seat at the back of the class anyway. He didn’t need people commenting on his spell work as well as his choice of adoptive father.

‘You want me to tell Dean to shut his mouth?’ Ron asked as they left the Great Hall.

‘No,’ Harry replied shortly stuffing his hands in his pockets. They walked most of the way in silence. It had been happening more and more lately.

Hermione finally spoke as they waited outside the empty charms classroom. They were so early that not even Flitwick was there yet. ‘Is… Is everything all right at home with–with Professor Snape.’

‘He’s just stressed out about everything,’ Harry shrugged. He went home every night before curfew and he barely saw Snape either. He was usually brewing, and if he wasn’t doing that he was marking. The only time he really got to see Snape at all was when he woke Harry from his nightmares, and even then all that meant was that he was getting next to no sleep.

‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but is that what you want in a father? Someone who takes it out on everyone else when they get stressed?’

‘This has nothing to do with him being my dad,’ Harry replied.

‘I’m not saying it’s because of you,’ Hermione backtracked.

‘She’s just asking if you’re sure you want him to adopt you when he’s turned into an even bigger arsehole than he was before. You can still back out,’ Ron said.

‘You two don’t know him,’ Harry said, looking between his two friends. He needed them on his side if he was going to get through this. ‘I thought you were going to be decent about this.’

‘We are,’ Hermione replied quickly. She’d adopted the kind of tone you’d use with a skittish animal and it drove him mad. ‘We just want you to know that you can change your mind if you want. We’ll support you no matter what.’

‘I’m not backing out of anything, so just stop asking. Ron can see everything is alright for himself. Snape said you stay over tonight.’

‘Oh.’ Ron exchanged a quick look with Hermione. ‘Er, really? What about ‘Mione?’

Harry waved a hand dismissively. ‘I don’t think he’d go for that. If he realises this is all fine, then we can ask for next time.’

‘Are you…er, are you sure it’s a good idea?’

‘Yeah. Don’t you want to?’

‘It’s not you, mate,’ Ron replied quickly. ‘I’ve been wanting you to come back to the tower properly for weeks. It’s just… Snape’s quarters.’

‘We’ve been there before. You’ll be fine,’ Hermione interrupted with a significant look that Harry pretended not to notice. It didn’t matter why Ron agreed so long as he came over. Then at least he’d see what Snape was really like.

‘Yeah, alright then,’ Ron agreed apprehensively.

*

Ron was unusually tentative as they stepped through the portrait hole after dinner, as though Snape was going to leap out at them at any moment. Harry had assumed he’d be waiting for them too, just to warn them to behave at the very least.

‘So, where is he?’

‘In the lab, I think. Since Christmas he’s been working pretty late.’

‘What’s he working on?’ Ron asked, throwing his bag onto the couch and kicking off his shoes. He took in the room with new eyes, his gaze lingering on the photo of Harry and Snape beside the Christmas tree that sat on the mantle.

‘Something for the war, I guess. He hasn’t really spoken to me about it. Do you want to play?’ Harry asked, noticing Ron staring at Snape’s chess set.

‘Nah, it’s all right.’

‘He won’t mind. Honestly.’

Ron gave him a disbelieving look. ‘Mate, have you seen him in class? I don’t want detention for life for touching his chess set.’

‘This isn’t the worst chess set you’ve faced,’ Harry said, thinking of the giant chess set in their first year. He regretted bringing it up when he remembered how sure they’d been that it was Snape trying to steal the stone. ‘C’mon, Ron.’

‘Weasley, I assure you I won’t take offence if my son and his friend play with my chess set.’ Harry was surprised to see Snape emerge from the kitchen. He didn’t seem angry though; his tone was at worst impatient, as though he thought Ron were being tiresome. That was as close as Snape was going to get to being nice.

‘I didn’t know you were here,’ Harry said, feeling a bit stupid.

‘Obviously.’ Harry heard the unspoken criticism that he should have been more aware of his surroundings. ‘I expect you to go to bed at a decent hour without my having to tell you,’ Snape said looking between the two of them as though he doubted he should be leaving them unsupervised for the evening.

‘We will,’ Harry replied quickly, hoping Snape would leave it at that.

‘Weasley is aware of your nightmares?’ Snape continued and Harry wondered if he took a sadistic pleasure in embarrassing him.

‘I’ll tell him. It’ll be fine,’ he said keeping his voice low, feeling a flush rise in his cheeks. Snape looked as though he were holding back from rolling his eyes but relented and disappeared back to his lab.

‘What’s that about your nightmares?’ Ron asked as he set up the chess set.

‘I don’t know if I ever said, but I get pretty loud. I just need to be woken up sometimes,’ he replied casually without looking up from his pieces.

‘Sure, I can wake you up. I didn’t realise they were that bad.’

He shrugged. ‘It’s not every night. I might not have one at all.’ He moved his pawn two spaces forward, beginning the first move in a series of quick defeats that had Ron whooping in victory before they eventually called it a night.

*

He blinked in the darkness as he heard a quiet shuffling of parchment from next door. Ron was snoring softly, but he had been struggling to drop off for over an hour. A glass was set down gently either on the kitchen counter or the table and Harry carefully swung his legs out of bed and tip-toed past his friend.

He padded over to the kitchen and hovered in the doorway, folding his arms to ward off the chill. Pinching the bridge of his nose as if to ward off an impending headache, Snape noticed him immediately. He paused mid-motion as he made to take a sip from a short glass tumbler filled with a small amount of amber liquid and tipped it suddenly down the sink.

Harry gave him an odd look. There was something guilty about the movement, as if Snape had been caught doing something he shouldn't. Harry was hardly a child; he didn't doubt that Snape drank, even if he'd only rarely seen him do it, and he certainly wasn't judging him.

'Never drink alone,' Snape said seriously in answer to his look. 'You're to bear that in mind for when you're eighteen because you won't be touching a drop even a second before.' He banished the glass and bottle with a scowl.

Harry nodded when it seemed as though Snape was waiting for a response and wandered over to the kitchen table where Snape had spread his books and parchments. With a casual wave of his wand Snape had the papers shuffle themselves into a pile and the books snapped shut.

'You cannot sleep?'

'No,' Harry shrugged, pulling out a chair. 'I'm occluding as well as I can before you ask. Are you nearly finished your potion?'

Snape's expression darkened considerably. 'No.'

'Oh.'

'If that burning question was all that was keeping you awake then I suggest you get back to bed. You get little enough sleep as it is.' Harry narrowed his eyes at the hypocrisy. Snape slept a hell of a lot less than he did.

'Didn't realise I was keeping you up,' he retorted.

'Obviously you are not. I suppose the reverse is true.'

'Not really,’ Harry shrugged, stretching his legs out beneath the kitchen table and leaning back in the chair. ‘I couldn't sleep and then I heard you out here so I thought I might as well come out.'

'Mr Weasley is asleep, I assume?' Snape asked, surprising Harry by drawing out a chair and taking a seat himself.

'Yeah.' Snape seemed profoundly relieved at that as if the idea of having a conscious Weasley in his quarters had put him on edge all day. Harry continued in a low voice, partly to avoid waking Ron up and partly because he didn’t know how Snape would take the criticism. 'He won't change his mind about this if you're never around when he is.'

'My concerns are not rooted in Weasley's faith in my intentions.' Snape dismissed.

‘Yeah,’ Harry agreed absently. ‘So, I was thinking about this whole adoption thing... What if it doesn’t happen?’

Snape frowned, studying Harry for a moment before answering. ‘We’ve discussed this. The headmaster will allow you to stay at Hogwarts during the summer.’

‘Yeah, I get that,’ he replied quickly. ‘I mean, it might not go through, and I’ve been calling you dad.’

Snape raked a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. Harry picked at the edge of the table, running his finger over the rough wood until Snape tapped a finger on the tabletop to get his attention, making sure that when Harry did eventually look at him, he maintained eye contact. ‘The Ministry will ultimately decide if I’m allowed to adopt you, but they are not deciding whether or not you can have a family. I told you before that I do not require their permission to consider you my son. The legality is so that I can better protect you, not because it will make us any more of a family.’

Harry nodded his head jerkily. Part of him had known Snape would say that; he remembered the man saying as much before now. The problem was, a larger part listened to everyone telling him that he could back out and that he wasn’t adopted yet, as though up until it was official it didn’t mean anything. That part of him had been whispering to him in the dark and quiet that maybe Snape thought that too. ‘You will simply have to trust my commitment if my application is unsuccessful,’ Snape commented when Harry didn’t immediately reply. ‘Until you reach seventeen, then there should be no issue with adopting you.’

‘I don’t want to wait until I’m grown up. It wouldn’t be fair if I could only be adopted when I didn’t need a parent anymore.’

‘You think in less than three years you won’t have any need of a parent? I imagine your friends Weasley and Granger will find their parents surplus to requirements then too?’

‘Well, no. But it’s not the same.’

‘That’s rather like saying that parenting a six-year-old is unlike parenting a fourteen-year-old. You’ll be legally able to make your own decisions, but I know from personal and professional experience that seventeen-year-olds are utter dolts.’

Harry continued picking at the edge of the table. Snape’s words sounded logical, but it didn’t help the heavy feeling in his chest. ‘I’d be out on my own by then though, wouldn’t I? Well, after Hogwarts.’

‘Possibly, but I find that highly unlikely. The war may not be over when you turn seventeen, in which case it would be best if you remain with me. If the war is over, you have no idea what you might want to do with your life. You hardly need to immediately find alternative accommodation.'

'You're going to want me to hang around when I'm finished Hogwarts?' Harry replied incredulously. It wasn't that he didn't get that Snape liked having him around a bit but even so, the man preferred his own company. Just because he'd offered to adopt him, it didn't mean that fact had changed.

‘Seventeen-year-olds, generally speaking, don't settle into their ideal job and leave home the very second they graduate from Hogwarts. You do have options, you realise? You might want to carry on in education, or travel or start an apprenticeship. Frankly, once you graduate, I’ll likely give up my job here. Teaching is hardly my calling.'

Harry thought about that for a moment. He’d always known that Snape didn’t like teenagers and that teaching wasn’t his ideal job, but he’d never put it together that he was doing it because of Harry and the war. ‘This is why I asked you to think about it,’ Snape continued. ‘The adoption doesn’t end when you turn seventeen.’

He knew all of that in a way, but only as it applied to other people. He knew Mr and Mrs Weasley weren’t going to kick Ron out the second he turned seventeen or even when he graduated. The numb feeling crept over him again and Harry vaguely recognised it as the beginnings of panic. It started any time he really thought about why Snape wanted to adopt him.

He vaguely heard Snape say his name, but it sounded far away. Long potion-stained fingers snapped under his nose.

‘Sorry.’ Harry shook his head, trying to come back to himself. ‘I’m, uh, more tired than I realised.’

‘Bed then,' he said shooing Harry out of the room, but as he made to stand he spoke again. 'I would rather you not make assumptions regarding the adoption. If anything is unclear or if you have doubts, speak to me.’

Harry nodded, but as he crept past a sleeping Ron, he thought that it was hard to ask Snape anything when he was always so busy.