Whatever It Takes by SanctuaryAngel
Summary: Taking place directly after the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry is trying to deal with his trauma from the course of the events of the war and struggles to confront it, along with trying to manage his grief. Snape survived but disappeared in shame and remorse after the battle. Harry finds him, and they both discover that they have more in common now more than ever - Both are struggling with their sense of self and purpose. But stray Death Eaters from the battle are re-grouping for a final stand to take out the great Harry Potter, and their traitor, and Harry and Snape must put aside their differences to end the fight once and for all, whilst dealing with Snapes' illness along the way. Explores darker themes of grief, self-blame, PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation.
Categories: Misc > No category on the site fits Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Arthur, Draco, Fred George, Ginny, Hermione, Luna, McGonagall, Molly, Narcissa, Neville, Ron
Snape Flavour: Snape Comforts, Snape is Depressed, Snape is Desperate, Snape is Stern
Genres: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, General, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Media Type: None
Tags: Abuse Recovery, Depression Recovery, Injured!Snape
Takes Place: 8 - Post Hogwarts (young adult Harry)
Warnings: Character Death, Eating Disorder, Panic attack, Self-harm, Suicide Themes, Torture, Violence
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 65 Completed: Yes Word count: 443363 Read: 26343 Published: 01 Feb 2023 Updated: 02 Sep 2023
CH 13: Fade In by SanctuaryAngel
Author's Notes:
Things get a bit, err...explosive in this Chapter. Sorry ^_^
"Blimey, I'm freezing out here. Is he going to send us this bloody message, or not?" Ron furiously rubbed his hands together, as the group stood outside of the grounds just beyond the tree line of the Forbidden Forest.

"Cheer up, Ronald. I told you to bring your jumper, but you never listen to me. No wonder mum gets fed up with you all the time, " Ginny stood beside Harry with her arms crossed, as she watched Ron begin to pace around them.

"If you haven't noticed, mum's been a little on edge lately."

"We'll you can't blame her. She still keeps calling George, Fred, and then breaking into hysterics. And with everything going on now, she almost didn't let dad leave for work this morning."

Watching as Ron look miserably at his sister, Harry was growing more anxious with every passing moment. He clutched his wand like a lifeline and began to twirl it nervously while waiting for that silver doe to finally makes its appearance.

Harry had spent the day going over the plan with Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, in their preparation to take back Grimmauld Place. Admittedly, he was growing worried. What if they were discovered and the Death Eaters were waiting for them? What if there were more of them in there than they anticipated? Harry was legitimately scared of what they would discover in there when they finally broke in. And Kreacher…What had become of the old Black house elf?

Too many what if's for Harry to be even remotely comfortable with.

As more time passed, Harry could sense that something was not right. It was unlike the brooding Potions professor to be late, in any context.

Slowly, he turned to the others, "I think we should go."

Hermione frowned, "Snape said to wait for his message."

"I know, but…This is Snape we are talking about. It's unlike him to be late, isn't it?"

"Well, maybe he was caught up in something else?" Ron interjected, finally pausing his pacing to stand beside Hermione.

"You said he agreed to help, Harry, " Ginny said, "I mean, has he ever broken a promise?"

Harry shrugged, "I dunno. Something just feels…off. He would have sent me a message if there was any trouble, right? If something happened, he would have warned us."

"Unless, " Hermione said, as a matter-of-factly, "...He wanted to keep you waiting."

Harry frowned, "He wouldn't…." He shook his head, as realisation started to dawn on his face. The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. "Oh, he would. Of course, he would." He changed a furious look with the others.

"He left without us?" Confused, Ron tried to understand what was being implied throughout the conversation.

"That's what they meant, you dunderhead," Ginny playfully slapped her brothers' shoulder. "Maybe he didn't want Harry running off into danger, so he's going to do it himself?"

Fuming, Harry clenched his jaw, "That makes perfect sense. Quick, let's go now."

Without waiting for further confirmation, the group Apparated and reappeared at the small park across the road from Grimmauld Place. The four stationed themselves at the crumbling stone wall, as they waited in silence, weighing up their options. There was no other movement to be seen, from their obscured view beyond the shrubbery. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary – well, they're ordinary. It was usually a quiet street, but they could see no sign of a magical disturbance or anything that appeared out of place. But there was one thing that Harry did notice – There was now a dull light in one of the windows.

Still seething with the hindered plan, Harry outstretched his palm and noticed that he could not feel what Snape described as static. The wards were definitely down. With his wand securely in his palm, he turned to the others and dropped his voice in a whisper, "He brought the damn wards down. He's definitely in there."

Without waiting for a response, even despite Hermione and Ron's verbal protests behind him, he bolted from his position and ran directly to the front door. The closer to the residence he went, the more he noticed. There was a sudden purple flash from the window, and once he reached the familiar black wooden front door, he could hear shouting from within.

Glancing quickly behind him, he saw Ron, Hermione, and Ginny trailing with their wands at the ready. They noticed it too. Waiting for no other confirmation, Harry opened the door to immediate chaos. A spell exploded by his head the moment the door swung open, and he watched as several figures dashed passed the hallway at the far end, now aware of their new guests. He could hear a shout of hexes somewhere on the upper floors – It was Snape's voice.

Still incredibly angry at Snape for leaving them waiting at the Forest's edge, Harry channeled that energy and began firing spells at the two Death Eaters he could see. Hermione, Ron, and Ginny were supporting him from behind, emitting a combination of hexes and shield spells to gain the upper hand. There was an incredibly loud and distracted chorus of screams and an amusing string of profanities emanating from the portrait of Mrs. Black hanging on the wall beside them; a red velvet curtain covering her frame. Coupled with that, and the shouting of spells from all sides, the entire household was in utter pandemonium.

Despite holes being blasted into the walls, Harry and his friends managed to push the enemy Death Eaters back, but as he regained a clearer view, he could see another fight happening upstairs. From his slightly skewed view, he saw the oddly hooded Potions professor dueling two other Death Eaters on the stairs leading to the upper floors.

From the adjoining rooms, and few more Death Eaters re-emerged to join the fray. Ron and Ginny broke off to battle the enemies hiding out in the kitchen, while Harry and Hermione continued to overthrow the ones lurking on the ground floor living room. One Death Eater was thrown in a full-body bind by Ron, while another was rendered unconscious from a Reducto spell. The two other Death Eaters on that floor, however, managed to escape out of the front door. Once they had cleared the ground floor, they slowly made their way upstairs to join Severus Snape.

"Don't you run from me, Macnair!" Harry heard Snape bellow and then heard a small blast overhead as the old chandelier from the top floor came crashing down on the staircase at ground level. Harry jumped backward on the staircase as the glass exploded and shattered all over the floor, missing them all by mere inches.

"Says the filthy little traitor – All you do is run! You dishonor his name!" There was another blast and Harry was certain he heard Snape swear.

Eventually arriving at the first floor, Harry finally had a proper visual of Snape battling a Death Eater – who he presumed was Macnair at this point, according to Snape. But Harry was more distracted by the ornate black and silver Death Eater mask the professor was wearing. The professor fired another blast at the man, which sent him dangerously to the other side of the first-floor corridor. Harry and Snape locked eyes for a brief moment, and the Gryffindor hoped that was ample enough time to show Snape how incredibly livid he was at the man - Harry could not frown any harder.

The fleeting moment ended quickly when a curse shot overhead at the pair. Harry and Hermione entered the main grand living room to discover one more Death Eater there. Snape bounded up another flight of stairs to enter the second floor, while Ron and Ginny had a handle on Macnair. Harry almost forgot how big Grimmauld Place was. Once he presumed it safe enough, Harry retrieved the gold coin from his pocket and gave a signal to Neville and Luna to give them some assistance. Once he was satisfied with the quick decision, he and Hermione ascended another flight of stairs to the next floor to join Snape, with Ron and Ginny close behind.

It did not take long for Harry to recognise the voices of Neville and Luna downstairs, which gave the Gryffindor much relief. This was what he had hoped for – Dumbledore's Army to rise again to the task, even long after the war was waged and essentially won. Although he realised how close he was to abandoning this rebel group earlier, he slowly started to envision the potential of keeping it going. Albus Dumbledore would have wanted it to continue – After all, they did name the group after him. With a new surge of adrenaline at the arrival of their reinforcements, Harry found himself completely skipping the second floor and bounding up the staircase to the next floor with Hermione close behind.

It was like a dangerous messed-up game of Tag; almost comical if the situation wasn't so serious.

Once the third and fourth floors were cleared, Harry finally reached the dark and dusty attic at the very top, to find poor Kreacher bound to a chair in the center of the room away from the small grime-covered window. Releasing the house elf from his magical restraints, he helped the old creature back onto his feet.

"Mr. Harry Potter – I had hoped you'd return again," Kreacher croaked, as he gave Harry a curt bow.

Harry swallowed bitterly, "I knew something was wrong when you didn't answer my call."

"I could not hear it. Those nasty wizards obscured my magic."

"Kreacher, how long have the Death Eaters been here?"

Kreacher paused in thought before he continued in his raspy voice, "There weren't many at first, but after the war ended…A few more arrived to hide. I came back, and...then I was ambushed."

"Did you see or hear anything while they were here? Any plans?"

"None at all. My apologies, Mr. Harry Potter."

Harry nodded in understanding but was relieved to find the house else unharmed, "Never mind. I'm glad you are okay."

"Don't move! Stay right where you are!"

Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny looked at each other quizzically, as they heard Neville's voice echo in the corridor below them. They raced downstairs to find Neville holding a wand to Snape – Who was still wearing his mask at the time, unaware of Neville.

"Put your wand down, you silly boy!" With a flick of his wand, Snape removed the Death Eater mask which gradually melted off his sullen face like a shroud of smoke. His face was neutral with his usual intimidating gaze.

Neville looked both mad and terrified, "YOU! Professor Snape!" He still would not lower his wand, but Harry could notice his hand trembling slightly. Harry forgot that Neville and Luna were unaware of Snape's re-emergence after the war, but he could completely understand Neville's reaction.

"Neville, just…" Harry started to speak but really did not know what to say. He was just as angry with Snape at this point. Silently fuming, Harry turned to Snape angrily, not caring about the words that were about to come out of his mouth. "How dare you just leave us in the Forest – We waited for you! YOU left us there!"

"You are far too gullible for your own good, Potter, " Snape's gaze remained impassive, unaffected by Harry's sudden outburst. The man barely blinked.

Harry's cheeks flushed as he continued, but appeared to get more fired up when he noticed that Snape didn't seem to care, "You can't offer to help me, or agree to when I ask, and then completely ignore it! I was stupid enough to trust that we could finally work together! WHY didn't you send me a message? You were so eager to teach me how!"

"You think because you can take on the Dark Lord, that you are invincible? You remain conceited and over-confident in your ability to handle the Death Eaters, " Snape snapped back, "My decision to have you waiting, was to keep you safe. They will not hesitate to slaughter you, Potter."

"So, you took matters into your own hands?" Harry bawled his fists, feeling his blood boil, "You don't trust that we can do it, is that it?!"

"You are jumping too quickly to ridiculous conclusions. You are all barely of age – I had to prevent you from walking into an ambush…Did you want your friends dead on your accord?"

"I don't believe you! And what's with the mask!?"

"It's called a disguise, Potter! How else would I make it in here without it?"

"Why didn't you let us help?!"

"I will not repeat myself, " Snape narrowed his eyes, still fixating his gaze upon the boy. "Stop acting like a child."

"Well stop treating me like one! You cannot blame me for wanting to help. I hate you for some of the things you did, and yet I was still willing to try and help you! I hate – " Still seething through his teeth, Harry had to try and stop himself. He felt Hermione's gentle hand on his shoulder and felt her lightly squeeze in order to keep him grounded in reality. Harry was absolutely enraged. He was half-tempted to lunge for the man's throat and strangle him, but it took all of his willpower to prevent himself from attempting that.

Snape's stone-cold gaze gradually softened as he dropped his voice, "And yet you were so determined to want to keep me alive. You requested my assistance, and I complied. End of discussion." Severus Snape made his way to the staircase and then turned back around once more. "I will enforce the wards back on the residence, with additional measures as I leave, and I will send the incapacitated Death Eaters downstairs onto the Ministry's doorstep. I will return once you've managed your self-inflicted wrath, Potter."

With that, Snape glided back down the staircase and left Grimmauld Place, leaving an awkward silence in the air.

"…Harry, " Hermione began gently, but Harry cut her off almost immediately.

"- Just…don't, ok?" Still fuming, Harry wandered downstairs to scout the remaining floors by himself, making sure they were well and truly safe from their previous intruders.

As Snape had indicated, the two unconscious Death Eaters downstairs were taken away, leaving Harry to assume the others they had fought, also fled. The group spent some time repairing the damage made from the spell blasts, as Kreacher assisted with the clean-up. Barely anyone else had spoken, as Harry noticed Ron and Hermione exchanged awkward glances several times during this task. This made Harry angrier, and he could not understand why his friends did not seem to understand why he was so angry about it. He was used to being let down by adults, so why was Snape an exception? He was not – he was just like the rest of them. No one could take Harry seriously.

While Kreacher eventually made his way to the kitchen to prepare a meal, Harry found himself sitting alone in the dull-lit living room on the first floor. The room was dirty and dusty. Many of the portraits which lined the walls had been covered previously by sheets of old cloth, and the dust-covered windows hindered much of the natural light. It really did not seem welcoming – even despite Harry eventually lighting up the fireplace. Regardless of the warmth of the fire, the room still seemed cold. He could hear the voices of his friends downstairs, but he did revel in the silence alone, even if those moments were sparse. A short time later, he was greeted by Luna Lovegood, who appeared a little too pleased to join him.

Somewhat glumly, Harry looked up, "Hi, Luna."

Luna smiled sweetly at Harry and sat down beside him on the old velvet green couch. There was a moment of pause, until Luna finally responded, "Don't feel bad, Harry."

Already unhappy with where this conversation was already heading, he shrugged, "Was I wrong?"

"Maybe you should look at it from his perspective," Luna pulled a piece of her wavy blonde hair and began to twist it around through her fingers. "If I were him, I'd want to try and stop my students from running into danger by any means. In his own way, of course."

"But I don't see that, Luna. I just see another person who refuses to put any trust in me. I had enough to deal with that, from Dumbledore."

"I know. He is still looking out for you, you know, despite what you may think."

"I don't even know anymore."

"Well, he is obviously going through his own problems, too. He has his reasons, even if he doesn't like to admit them. Reminds me of you, actually."

Harry frowned, "Why do people keep saying that? Hermione said that too. I'm nothing like him."

"Don't take offense. You both have quite the difficulty expressing your emotions and desires, even when you won't admit them yourself."

"I really don't."

Luna crinkled her nose, "Of course you do. It's obvious. You also don't know how to deal with certain emotions, so you hold them back, and then explode later when it gets too much. Like you did earlier. It usually comes from a horrible upbringing, I must say. Quite common."

Well, she wasn't wrong. But coming from someone else, Harry felt offended by that, "Well, growing up with relatives as I did, kinda have that effect, Luna."

"I think you are still in shock. And I don't mean from the war…I mean the shock of finding out about Snape. You are having difficulty coming to terms with that. Presuming something for years, only to have your beliefs completely flipped on its head. I know, I can tell how conflicted you are about it. Quite understandable, really."

"Look, I just don't know how to approach him now…Things are very different."

"Consider the gravity of what he had to do; it makes a lot more sense. He sacrificed a lot for you. You are thinking too one-sided, Harry."

Harry really didn't know what to think. Was he really feeling selfish about the whole thing? Or was it simply because he needed further convincing that Snape had good intentions? Well, good is a loose term, of course. No one is ever truly good. As Sirius once said, everyone has both light and dark in them. He himself knew that he was not perfect. He honestly didn't know how his friends put up with him half the time, but he sure did appreciate their patience in helping him deal with his nonsense.

He wanted to believe Luna. He always trusted her truthful judgment, but he just didn't want to believe it. Perhaps he was being unreasonable. However, the more he thought about it, the worse he felt.

Now he just felt dread.

Digging into the pocket of his jacket, Harry retrieved the vial of Snape's Animo Silentium elixir he took from his dormitory back at Hogwarts. He took a few drops onto his tongue, and placed it back into his pocket, already feeling ease off his hectic mind. Now he felt like a total hypocrite.

The Gryffindor eventually wandered back downstairs to the kitchen and dining room area, just as Kreacher set a very impressive roast dinner on the table. The others, including Neville and Luna, were already at the table waiting for him to finally arrive. He could sense the awkwardness as he sat down with them. Harry started loading a few potatoes, and a small slice of turkey onto his plate.

"So, uh, Harry, " Ron spoke with a mouthful of food, "Should I tell my parents we took Grimmauld Place back?"

Harry poked at the potato on his plate with the fork, "I suppose. I don't fancy telling them about reviving the DA – or the Order for that matter. Not yet, anyway."

"Well, to be fair, I don't think they knew that the Fidelius Charm was rendered void," Hermione shrugged, "We could probably avoid that conversation with them for the time being."

Neville took a sip from his pumpkin juice, "This place is amazing, Harry. Quite surreal knowing this place was Order headquarters. Kind of wonderful to think my parents actually had meetings here."

"Well, technically still is," Harry responded, "The third Order of the Phoenix."

Ginny looked excited, "The DA gets an upgrade?"

Harry shrugged, barely eating anything of his meal. "I honestly don't see why not? Our parents fought hard for it when Dumbledore first founded it, so it makes sense that we continue their legacy. For all of them. We'll keep it going for as long as we can."

"Sounds like a wonderful idea, Harry, " Luna smiled.

"Harry," Ginny looked over at the others, and then turned her attention back to Harry, "Hermione and I went to the basement earlier to give it the all-clear, and we found what looked like an old Apothecary down there."

Hermione looked worried, "They were brewing potions, but it looks like some were unfinished. And I noticed one to be Polyjuice Potion, but I couldn't identify all of the others, however…Some looked new."

Suddenly, Harry lost his appetite, and placed his cutlery a little too aggressively back on the table, "Great. Just fantastic."

"We didn't touch a thing in there because we were overwhelmed by the fumes from something else… I sealed it off, but we do need someone who knows – "

"- No, Hermione. I am not contacting Snape. We'll figure it out, ourselves."

"Harry, he is the best person we know so far that can properly identify them."

"Well, best is kind of pushing it…"

"Seriously mate, get a grip already, " Ron reached for his goblet and took a large sip, still chewing the remnants of his last bite, "You know I still hate the git, but even I know that we could use his help."

Harry was growing increasingly irritable, "Ron, I thought maybe for once, you'd agree with me on this?"

"Well, why did you ask for his help in the first place?"

Harry was silent. He couldn't believe what he was hearing from his friends - who he had hoped - would understand his reasonings for being angry.

Out of nervousness, Harry found himself subconsciously picking at the fresh and raw rough scars under his dressing that lined his right arm from the previous attack. The discomfort from that was enough to divert his mind and give him a distraction that didn't result in him losing his temper again.

"Whatever. Fine. I'll contact him tomorrow," Harry scraped his chair, as he stood up to leave, "Just, let it go tonight, okay?"

Harry left the kitchen without saying another word, and once he made his way to the bedroom of Regulus Arcturus Black – He wasn't comfortable occupying Sirius' room yet. Though he realised Hermione had followed him.

"Harry, I'm really worried about you, " Hermione lowered her voice, afraid of the others overhearing, and slowly followed Harry into the room.

Harry wandered to the old bed, and sat down, as Hermione took a seat beside him. There was a silence between the both of them for several moments, and it was so quiet, that all Harry could hear was his own erratic breaths as he tried to calm himself. Neither of them ushered a word, but the moment Hermione placed a comforting arm around his shoulder, Harry's face finally crumbled as he buried his wary head into his shaky hands and let out several large choking sobs. He felt Hermione gently draw him closer until his head was resting on her shoulder. His body shook as the tears kept on falling. He couldn't stop them this time. Everything hit him all at once. There was just far too much to deal with, and he hated himself for feeling like this. For feeling so…broken.

It only took seconds for everything to shatter. But he was thankful that he managed to hold it all together until he reached the bedroom. He felt ashamed.

"Please…don't tell the others. Not even Ginny…" Harry choked back broken words, hoping with everything he had, that the others would not see him like this.

"Harry, it's alright…"

"No, it's not. I'm sorry I'm like this...I let everyone down."

"That's absurd. You are not letting anyone down."

"I keep snapping at everyone…And you…You don't deserve that from me."

"Never mind that, Harry. We are all worried about you, and we'll be here with you regardless. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can…despite everything. "

"I'm not strong enough to deal with…this."

"Who says you have to deal with it by yourself?"

Harry dragged his sleeve across his face to wipe away the tears that soaked his face. He avoided Hermione's gaze for the moment, as he tried his best to calm his breathing. His heart was far too heavy, "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm lost, Hermione…I'm just pushing everyone away."

Hermione's arm remained around his shoulders, squeezing gently, "We'll figure it out. Luna suggested earlier that we all stay here tonight…with you. Is that alright?"

Harry sniffled, and nodded in response, "Yeah. Yeah, that will be…Great. I'd appreciate that."

"I know you might not seem up for it, but may I practice sending a message by Patronus with you? I can teach the others, which will help you take a load off your mind," Hermione gave a slight hesitant pause and continued as she released her arm from Harry's shoulder, "If you'd allow me, I can send Snape the message instead. If you are not up to it."

Harry drew in a deep breath, "Sure. That'll be great Hermione."

Once Harry was able to settle his emotions for the time being, Hermione was able to distract him by encouraging him to teach her how to send messages with their Patronus. Harry felt odd teaching Hermione this new skill, but admittedly, he had to thank Snape for that one. Not as eloquently as he'd like, he managed to diminish some of his negative thoughts, from the memories he used to conjure his Patronus. Although initially thinking it was a bad idea after his uncontrollable waterworks earlier, it did actually help ease his mind as he focused on teaching. Luckily for him, Hermione was an incredibly fast learner. Once Hermione was confident, she left his company to join the others downstairs, leaving Harry emotionally spent.

Feeling slightly ill from lack of nutritional intake earlier, he managed to slip into the cotton pajamas that Hermione left behind for him and immediately crawled into bed.

He was quite relieved to know that Hermione was handling Snape's message because Harry was not all prepared to interact with the man just yet. A side of him still harbored that raw anger he had built up from him over the years, but another part of him felt slightly guilty. Just when he had convinced himself that he was unreasonable, that anger would build right back up. And suddenly, every time he fought back, painfully reminded him more like his father and how much of an arrogant git he was at school. And Harry hated himself for that because he knew his father wasn't the saint he was led to believe. That day during Occlumency when he peered into Snape's memory, was a harsh reminder of his father's behavior, and since then, Harry did what he could to avoid being that person. But every outburst that came from Harry reminded him of his father and thus created fresh self-loathing.

How could he prove to Snape that he really wasn't like his father? Well, avoid being an arsehole for starters.

He knew that he had to work together with him. Deep down, he knew that. But it still felt like one big cosmic joke, that the man he wanted desperately to end, turned out to be the same man who spent years protecting Harry no matter what dangers he found himself in. He struggled to grasp that idea, and the inner conflict of that drove him slightly mad.

He had to try and make peace with him. Properly, this time. After everything, the man deserved that much.

After what seemed like hours, Harry finally managed to fall asleep. But not without its share of restlessness. Nightmares plagued his mind throughout the night, filling his vision with images of those he lost. Cedric. Sirius. Dumbledore. Dobby. Remus. Tonks…Time and time again, he would jolt awake, feeling his body seize up as he awoke back to reality in the cold bedroom at Grimmauld Place. His head was spinning, and his head ached from lack of rest. Once he felt his shirt cling to his chest by the perfusion caused by the horrid dreams, he sat bolt upright, concluding that he may as well give up on attempting sleep.

He checked his watch – one thirty-three in the morning. He let out a small groan, laying back down on his bed, eyes wide open.

There was no rest for him tonight.
The End.
End Notes:
Hope you liked this chapter!

In the context of how big Grimmauld place is, you can literally Google search the floor plans, but essentially, it has a ground to fourth floor, with the additional basement and attic. Kind of incredible if you think about it. The place has much potential!


This story archived at http://www.potionsandsnitches.org/fanfiction/viewstory.php?sid=3833