Whatever It Takes by SanctuaryAngel
Summary: Taking place directly after the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry is trying to deal with his trauma from the course of the events of the war and struggles to confront it, along with trying to manage his grief. Snape survived but disappeared in shame and remorse after the battle. Harry finds him, and they both discover that they have more in common now more than ever - Both are struggling with their sense of self and purpose. But stray Death Eaters from the battle are re-grouping for a final stand to take out the great Harry Potter, and their traitor, and Harry and Snape must put aside their differences to end the fight once and for all, whilst dealing with Snapes' illness along the way. Explores darker themes of grief, self-blame, PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation.
Categories: Misc > No category on the site fits Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Arthur, Draco, Fred George, Ginny, Hermione, Luna, McGonagall, Molly, Narcissa, Neville, Ron
Snape Flavour: Snape Comforts, Snape is Depressed, Snape is Desperate, Snape is Stern
Genres: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, General, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Media Type: None
Tags: Abuse Recovery, Depression Recovery, Injured!Snape
Takes Place: 8 - Post Hogwarts (young adult Harry)
Warnings: Character Death, Eating Disorder, Panic attack, Self-harm, Suicide Themes, Torture, Violence
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 65 Completed: Yes Word count: 443363 Read: 26352 Published: 01 Feb 2023 Updated: 02 Sep 2023
CH 4: Torment by SanctuaryAngel
Author's Notes:
Warning: This chapter contains suicidal themes and ideation, so just a heads up.
Still here, Potter?”

Startled, Harry shot his head up from the couch and looked over to Snape who was perched on the edge of the bed on the other side of the room. He noticed the man still looked a little unwell, but he was no longer marble white, much to Harry’s relief. However, he still looked rather breathless.

Running a hand through his messy dark hair, he sat up completely, “Well, yeah. Had to make sure you were actually going to wake up.”

“You must be disappointed,“ Snape said, coolly.

Harry shot him a glare, “If I didn’t give a damn, I wouldn’t be here then, would I?”

Snape sighed, and curiously prodded the new bandage around his neck, damp with the essence of murtlap. “You shouldn’t have bothered, Potter.”

“Why won’t you let me help you?”

“You wanted me dead last year. Why the change?”

“Yeah, well, that was before I knew you were working against Voldemort. Forgive me for not being a damn seer.”

“You know full well why I had to withhold the truth from you,“ Snape said, softly.

“You can’t blame me for being so mad about it. I’m just sick of people keeping things from me. After all this time…Dumbledore, you, The Order…I know it was to keep me safe. I just hated being left in the dark,“ Harry slammed the couch armrest angrily with his palm so suddenly, causing Snape to flinch.

Snape rose slowly and carefully from the bed and made his way to the chair adjacent to Harry. Gingerly, he lowered himself down. For the first time, Harry noticed the man’s expression had relaxed. It was softer; concerned, even. A minute or two had passed before either of them finally spoke.

“Look, Potter. I did what Albus instructed me to do. I didn’t always approve of his methods – his daft plans – But I was compliant with them regardless. No matter what the risk,“ Snape continued to glance at Harry, and drew in a mildly trembling breath. “I had no choice but to keep certain things from you. It was far too risky at any given moment, once we realised the Dark Lord could peer into your mind. It would have put us all in danger.”

Harry clenched his jaw, and nodded, “I get that. It’s just – I felt like I had no one on my side. No one who truly understood what that felt like. For me, that was the worst feeling - Being so purposely isolated and alone.”

Snape peered at the young Gryffindor, “Finally, we have something in common. “

Harry’s eyes flickered to Snape’s, and for a moment, it felt like unspoken words. For that moment, there was a mutual understanding, and perhaps, maybe they did have that in common. Harry never realised this before, as he spent so many years blinded by his hatred of this man sitting before him. Now finally knowing the truth, he could start to see the man in a different light. Sure, he was still an unsufferable bully and tormentor at times and took pleasure in mocking him at every chance he got, but he always spoke the bitter and brutal truth. And Harry really needed to hear it. No more sugar-coating. No more lies. No more stories. Just honesty.

“When you first arrived at Hogwarts, I admit that I was very…unfairly harsh on you,“ Snape leaned back in his chair, “But when you decided to use a shield charm during our Occlumency lesson, you happen to witness your father and his merry bandits using spells to torture and humiliate,“ Snape winced at his own words, “You look just like him, Potter. You must understand that it was extremely difficult looking at the face identical to my tormentor every single day. You didn’t know because you painted him in such good light, as many others did. Their word against mine.”

“I would have understood if you didn’t throw me out of our last Occlumency lesson,“ Harry responded, a little annoyed.

“I am a wounded man, Potter,“ Snape clenched his jaw, “However over the years, I realised that you reminded me more of Lily than you did James. After all this time…I did eventually develop a measure of…respect…For you…Admittedly.”

Harry’s expression softened. He didn’t expect Snape to admit such a thing, “Sir – “

“I kept you alive, for her,“ Snape looked saddened, and he rose up from his chair, and glided to the dimly sunlit window, wanting desperately to look away from the face of Lily’s son. Harry watched as the man leaned on the windowsill looking out to the horizon, hunched over. His long, messy black hair hung over his face, shielding whatever emotion he did not want Harry to see. “You became an orphan because of my stupidity. You have every right to hate me – loathe me, even. I lost a part of myself the night she died. Wrecked with guilt – Merlin’s beard, I wished I could have traded my life for hers. I was about to join them, Potter. You don’t realise how close I was to –“ Snape drew in a shaky breath as his voice cracked. He couldn’t finish his sentence.

Harry sat on the edge of the couch, aghast at what he just heard. Snape’s words cut through Harry’s heart like a knife – He was in disbelief. Severus Snape – A man whom Harry believed to be heartless, cold, cruel, and emotionless – Was close to breaking point once he admitted how painful those memories were for him. He cared for Lily deeply – Harry felt guilty, yet he didn’t quite understand why. Although he found it strange that no one else had told Harry of Snape’s close friendship with his mother, he couldn’t help but feel a little mad at Sirius and Remus for keeping that crucial piece of information from him. It was as if they didn’t want Harry to see Snape from that perspective. As Snape said, ‘their word against his’. It sure as hell would have saved the both of them from being at odds with each other since his first year at Hogwarts and adopting some sort of mutual leniency.

Harry bit his lip, and looked away from the broken man, granting him a bit of privacy and dignity. But as a short time passed, Harry rose from the couch and retrieved his rucksack from the dust-covered ground. He pulled out his Invisibility Cloak and made his way to join his ex-Professor by the window.

“Take this Invisibility cloak, Sir,“ Harry said, quietly. He extended the cloak to Snape, “You can borrow it for now. It’s a nice day out there – Use it to go outside. Get some air.”

At first, Snape seemed to ignore this request. Harry noticed his eyes seemed to gloss over, but he remained unmoving and staring out into the distance. Eventually, Snape looked at Harry and then at the cloak, and retrieved it gently, tucking it under his arm. Snape didn’t say a word.

Harry drew in a breath, “I was thinking we go back to the school, and I can help you brew another antidote. A stronger one. We can use the venom from the Basilisk fang that I have from the Chamber and sneak into the Potions lab without anyone noticing…Sir?”

The man remained silent. Harry could barely hear him breathing now. He noticed his hands trembling slightly. Eventually, Snape drew in a deep breath and glanced in Harry’s general direction, being careful to avoid his direct gaze. “Leave me be.”

Harry blinked several times, “You can’t be serious? No, I won’t leave – Not after what you’ve just admitted to me.”

“I’ve told you more than enough. I’ve done my duty, now I best let this poison run the rest of its course.”

“What? You’re not – “

“– Just drop it, Potter.”

“So that’s it, then? You’ve just overcome the greatest mission anyone has ever had to do, and then now you want to end it? Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“I don’t believe you. My mother would not have wished this upon you, no matter how things ended up.”

“How dare you blackmail me…On Lily’s memory! Don’t you see, Potter? Everything is over for me - I lost everything. I can’t even bear to be in my own company. I have damaged the relationships I had with my colleagues – my allies. My reputation is destroyed. I can’t bear to face anyone again. I fear what others may think after I betrayed them all. I deserve death as punishment. It would be far more merciful.”

“How do you know what others think? Snape - You saved their lives. You saved mine. You are making it seem like you failed. Well, you didn’t. From where I see it, you’ve earned your second chance. My mother would have wanted you to live and carry on. Don’t waste it. Come back to Hogwarts. Talk with McGonagall and Flitwick – Everyone knows that I could not have defeated Voldemort without your help. You deserve to be out there more than I do right now.”

Snape glanced at Harry, warily. His features slackened in exhaustion.

Harry lowered his voice, “I’m giving you a purpose, Snape. You gave me something to fight for - Let me give you one if you’d just let me help.”

The brooding man stared at the teenager for a few moments, but what felt like an eternity to Harry. The man’s gaze darted from each bright eye – a reminder of why he chose to keep going, despite his odds. His pursed lips relaxed, and he gave a small sigh. “…You really are stubborn, Potter, “Snape said quietly, slowly untucking the Cloak, and folding it over his arm. He looked at Harry, and after a few moments, a small inkling of a smile appeared on the corner of his mouth. It was subtle but evident. And that was enough to leave Harry satisfied. On his mother’s name, he’d be damn sure he wasn’t going to give up on him as everyone else did. They both could use a second chance.

Harry led Snape down the tunneled path out of the Shrieking Shack, and past the Whomping Willow. The thick branches shifted in their presence but withheld from plummeting them to the ground. Harry amused himself by imagining this tree pulverizing Death Eaters during the Battle, and this thought left Harry with a smirk on his face. He waited until Snape threw the Invisibility Cloak over himself and stepped out into the basking sunlight of the afternoon with him in tow. He could hear the light footsteps of Snape beside him and wondered if he was going to walk off unbeknownst to him, just to humor himself. It was an odd thought as a reminder that Harry had attacked Snape in pursuit the night Dumbledore was killed, along the same path both were walking together now. But knowing what he knows now, it all made sense.

They wandered up the slanted slope of the hillside and treaded along the newly constructed bridge leading to the Hogwarts grounds.

“The bridge appears different…” Snape's voice startled Harry, almost forgetting that he is using the Cloak, and was standing quite close to him.

“Seamus blew it up, apparently. On McGonagall’s orders.“

“Finnigan?”

Harry grinned, “Yeah. I was told Neville lead the Snatchers to the trap.”

There was a short silence, before Snape gave a light snort, “Impressive. “

They wandered to the courtyard, almost fully repaired now, until Harry was startled by a sudden chorus of familiar voices.

“HARRY!”

“Hi, Harry!”

The Gryffindor looked over to see Luna and Neville waving at him on the far side. They beckoned for him to join them. At first, he hesitated, as he needed to reach the Potions lab, but he didn’t want to be rude and ignore them. Harry just didn’t feel like socialising at this point. His recent interactions with Snape were enough to want him to shut the rest of the world out for a short while. He knew his friends meant well, but he just couldn’t help but feel like everything that happened was his fault. They almost lost their lives because of him, and Harry will forever carry that guilt, and every interaction with a friend was a painful reminder of that.

Gingerly, he wandered over to the pair, “Hi Luna...Neville.”

Luna smiled sweetly, “We had been wondering where you had disappeared to. I thought you may be visiting the Thestrals.”

Harry shook his head but was slightly amused at that comment. Does Snape count? “Oh, no Luna. I was just off for a walk. Kinda needed to clear my head, you know?”

“Quite understandable, Harry,“ Luna tilted her head, still adopting her usual dazed smile.

“You alright?” Neville chimed in, looking concerned.

Harry nodded, “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Just needed a break.”

“We were going to meet Dean and the Parvati twins at The Three Broomsticks. Wanna join us? We can escape Hogwarts for a little bit,“ Neville asked, “I think we could all use a drink.”

Harry bit his lip, and drew in a deep breath, “Maybe another time. I still have a lot to do.”

“We can have Butterbeer, or perhaps even Firewhisky if you prefer,“ Luna asked. “We can go fill our stomachs with pie, and pudding – “

“-Another time, I promise,“ Harry quickly declined, “Don’t wait for me – You guys can go. Say hi to everyone for me, okay?”

“Okay, Harry,“ Neville nodded, “Just let us know if you need anything, okay? Maybe we can bring something back for you.”

Harry smiled, “Thanks, Neville. Well, see you both later!”

With that, Harry darted off quickly hoping to avoid further conversation. He entered the main building and found the stairs leading to the dungeons, with much haste.

“Quite the socialite you’ve become, Potter,“ Snape startled Harry yet again, suddenly realising that he had stuck around for the awkward conversation. The Gryffindor flushed with embarrassment.

“Just not in the mood for it, alright?” Harry seemed annoyed.

“I thought you’d be enticed by getting drunk on Firewhisky?”

“Yeah well, maybe I prefer to do that sitting by myself in the Gryffindor common room. I’m not exactly sociable material right now, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed.“

They reached the bottom of the stairs leading them into the dark abyss of the dungeons and immediately made their way to the eerily empty Potions lab. Luckily for them, the dungeons were the last place anyone would think to be. Once inside, Snape removed the Cloak, and retrieved his wand, sealing the door with enchantments. Snape looked pale and sickly again.

Harry shot him a curious glance as he performed the enchantments, and Snape looked back at him almost predicting his thoughts, “Like you, I’m in no mood to be seen.”

Removing the rucksack from his shoulder, he retrieved the Basilisk fang from its depths and placed it on the table on the far side of the room. Immediately, Harry started to retrieve the ingredients needed to concoct a standard antidote. Powdered unicorn horn, Mistletoe berries, bezoar…And then Harry’s mind trailed back to the Advanced Potions textbook that had once belonged to Snape in his student years – unknown to Harry at the time – And began to retrieve the additional items that he listed. Honeywater, mint sprigs, Mandrake, and essence of lavender…

Snape finally wandered over, and eyed the Gryffindor in amusement, “Well, well. It seems I taught you something after all. Only took six years.”

“At least the book didn’t try to sabotage my attempts, or tell me my potions were doomed to fail,“ Harry answered with this usual sarcasm, “I learned better from a book than having you breathing down my neck every second.”

“A book I edited, Potter. That seemed to slip your mind.” Snape set up a few cauldrons and began the process of extracting remnants of the venom from the Basilisk fang.

Harry started preparing the Mandrake, “Meanwhile here I am, brewing a potion with you. Who’d have thought?”

“Is that so terrible?” Snape raised an eyebrow, flourishing his wand at the cauldron before him.

“You tell me?” Harry was concentrating on stewing the Mandrake.

Snape rolled his eyes, “I’m sure Albus is having a jolly old time right now witnessing this.”

“I have no doubt he is.”

“And Potter –“

“Yeah?”

“- SIR.”

“Yeah…SIR?”

“Your potions skills are, in fact…Decent.“

Harry frowned, “Really?”

Snape bowed his head, “Your mother was a gifted witch, and exceptional at Potions. I learned much from her. I’m certain Horace Slughorn would have informed you of that, during his infamous Slug Club meetings.”

“Yeah, he did, actually. Were you ever a part of the Slug Club?” Harry brought his Mandrake to a boil.

“No. It was all based on parental lineage. Or fame by association. I would have declined even if he did extend an invitation. Those supposed meetings were ridiculous.” Snape whirled to the cauldron in the center and began adding the ingredients together.

Harry snorted, “Socialite.”

The man shot him a mildly amused look, “We are quite the sociable pair, aren’t we? Disappearing into the dungeons to brew potions, while your friends get drunk on Firewhisky.”

“Basically, yeah.”

“…You’re afraid to sit with them, aren’t you?” Snape threw another ingredient into the cauldron, and smokey teal fumes began to waft gently from it.

Harry hesitated, and stopped to look at Snape, as he handed him the prepared Mandrake, “I wouldn’t say afraid, just…Feeling somewhat disconnected.”

“War can both unite or separate us, Potter. It’s unpredictable which way they turn.”

“I just feel so guilty. They almost died because of me.”

Snape raised his eyebrows, “I understand.”

“I knew you would. I guess that’s why I felt compelled to…seek you out.”

Severus sighed heavily, “Potter, there is not much else I can do for you. You are seeking advice from the wrong person.”

“Who else do you suggest? Hermione? Ron? Molly? McGonagall? And have them all tell me everything is going to be okay? The worst is over? That things will get better?!” Harry threw the ladle down on the table in frustration and walked away from the steaming cauldron.

Snape pursed his lips and watched as he paced the room, “You have experienced a severe trauma, Potter. You cannot expect it to disappear from your mind and move on as if nothing has changed. You have spent the last few years being hunted by the darkest wizard of all time. You’ve faced danger since the night your parents died for you. No one should take that lightly, not even you.”

“Then why do I feel so terrible about it?” Harry turned to face him.

“It is war, Potter. People die. You cannot save everyone, no matter how hard you try.”

“Trust you to be insensitive about it.”

“You can’t coax me into giving you the brutal truth and get upset about it when I do. You wanted brutal honesty, Potter, I provided it. Either consider what I’ve said or find someone else to sugar-coat it for you!” Snape was seething. He flourished his wand at the cauldron, but before he was able to begin filling the vials, he suddenly clutched his chest and crumbled to the floor. An empty vial shattered on the floor beside him.

Harry sprinted back to the table and quickly began to fill a vial with the finished antidote. He carefully sat the man up against the table leg, and shifted the filled vial to his lips, “Snape – stay with me.” Heaving, Snape managed to swallow the teal liquid with extreme distaste and squirmed from the discomfort he was feeling in his chest. He took a few shaky breaths and wiped a steady stream of blood from his nose. Harry, still kneeling by his side, watched the man continue to clutch his chest, hoping with intensity that the new antidote can finally do its job. Harry retrieved an empty glass from the table, and with Aguamenti, filled it with water.

Slowly, Snape’s breathing began to regulate, and the pained expression on his face started to relax. He closed his eyes and focused on breathing and resting his racing heart. Harry handed the man the glass of water he had conjured and watched closely as he took several cautious sips. Relief washed over the man’s features.

“Better?” Harry asked.

The man nodded slowly, “Thus far.” Harry began to help him to his feet and sat the man down on one of the chairs, while he filled up the remaining vials with the new antidote and cleared the bench of all evidence that they were there.

“…Well done.” His voice was slightly raspy, steadying himself against the table.

Harry glanced back at the man, “Well, you didn’t actually criticise my potion-making for once.”

Snape couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, “You were finally able to follow my instructions. Maybe you are not as much of a dunce at potions as I originally thought.”

“Gee, thanks, sir. Your boost of confidence makes me feel loads better,“ Harry said sarcastically, as he handed the Invisibility Cloak back to Snape.

“If I were you, I’d take the bloody compliment before I change my mind.”

“Compliments make me uncomfortable.”

Snape raised an eyebrow, “The Chosen One hates compliments? What an intriguing revelation.”

Harry shrugged, “Well, I grew up not having them, so I kinda subconsciously dismiss them. I can’t help it.”

Snape stared at him blankly. “Your insufferable relatives?”

“Yep.”

Harry handed the man the potion vials and made his way to the door of the classroom, “Keep the Cloak for now. I need to go clear my head.”

“Do what you must.” Snape pocketed the newly brewed potions within his tattered robes. “And, Potter?”

Harry turned around, “Yeah?”

Snape rose slowly from his chair and looked directly into Harry’s curious gaze. He paused slightly, almost as if he struggled to articulate his thoughts. For a moment, he seemed to falter. But instead, he bowed his head slowly, breaking his gaze, “Please accept my gratitude…for saving my life.”

Harry’s breath caught in his throat. A thank you? From Snape? Did he hear correctly? “The least I can do, sir.” He nodded in acknowledgment, made his way out of the dungeons, and towards the Gryffindor Common Room.
The End.


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