Breakfast and dinner were eaten in the dining room as a ‘family,' though no single individual sitting at the table would call the group a family. Severus had volunteered to assist with meal preparation on their first full day at the Dursley residence. Petunia had firmly refused the offer.

Snape figured she expected him to poison all of them.

The idea was tempting.

Regardless, Severus made a point of being in the kitchen whenever Petunia started preparing dinner and volunteered to help. It was more than her oaf of a husband or her spoiled brat of a son ever did, and Severus was disgusted by the stereotypical gender roles at play in the Dursley household. It made him feel rather sick, and almost sorry for Tuney.

Almost.

She clearly relished the role.

He was sitting at the kitchen table - his offer to peel potatoes declined - attempting to engage Tuney in conversation when Vernon entered the kitchen.

The large man ignored Severus and went to his wife - kissing her cheek - before setting his briefcase on a barstool. "Today was bloody awful, Pet."

"What happened?" Petunia sounded interested, and Severus couldn't determine by her tone if the interest was real or fake.

"I must have run over something in the road because when I got to work both front tires were nearly flat. So was the spare! Not that one spare would have done any bloody good!" Vernon sat down at the table taking off his tie and still talking to his wife. "I called a tow and had the car taken to a shop. While I went to work. They were supposed to have it all taken care of before lunch. But when I went out to check the damn thing was still in the car park, and some stupid teenagers had spray painted a rather rude word on it. When I called the tow they said they'd received a notice of cancelation not ten minutes after I requested the tow." Vernon was shaking his head, and his face was growing more and more red at the memory of what happened. "By the time I got off work they'd taken the car, but said it wasn't fixed yet! They'd found a ton of other issues with the bloody car! I had to take a cab home!"

Severus looked concerned while internally smiling. He silently thanked his father for teaching him a few basics about automobiles.

"They said," Vernon continued, "that it looked like I hadn't done anything to maintain the car in years!"

"That's absurd!" Petunia responded moving around the kitchen, "You take the car in every six months!"

Vernon nodded in confused agreement, "That's what I said! I think the damn shop must have been taking my money without doing the work! That's the only thing that makes sense!"

"Or," Severus cut in smoothly, "It's the new shop you took it to. They may have been trying to get more money from you."

Vernon's face told Snape that this idea hadn't occurred to him.

Severus shrugged and went back to silently listening to the conversation. Based on the shade of purplish red Vernon's face had turned a little bit of paranoia had gone a long way. He was beginning to understand why Albus always seemed to smile so serenely when one of his plans was playing out nicely.

Over their second week at the Dursley's a great many things kept going wrong for the Dursley family.

Vernon's briefcase refused to open one day.

Petunia had the worst acne outbreak that she'd had since she was a teenager.

The electrical outlets in Dudley's room seemed to stop working, but only when the child was alone in the room. Whenever he dragged one of his parents upstairs to investigate everything would suddenly start to work.

Vernon lost his keys on an almost daily basis.

Petunia consistently burned the toast and every egg she touched would burst open at the lightest touch.

The end of the second week culminated in the fridge breaking overnight leaving the kitchen floor covered in water and everything in the fridge and freezer going bad. Vernon left for work stating he'd grab breakfast on the way.

Petunia called the repair people but had nothing to fix for breakfast except toast.

Dudley threw a tantrum that set Severus's teeth on edge.

Snape volunteered to take the boys out for breakfast while Petunia waited for someone to come and take a look at the fridge. Tuney was clearly at her breaking point because she willingly agreed to let Severus take her child out of her sight.

Snape barely kept from smirking in triumph. He would have Petunia and Vernon afraid to leave their bedroom in another week, he was sure of it.

Why the fuck did he think this was a good idea?

Snape rarely questioned his own thought-out plans and actions, yet since the end of the school year it seemed as though he was questioning every decision he ever made. Yes, Petunia's agreeing for Severus to watch her child for a bit meant he was succeeding in luring her into trusting him somewhat, but... he was beginning to think it wasn't worth it.

Getting to the café that was within walking distance of the Dursley's home had been the first challenge. Dudley whined about having the walk the entire time. Given the boy's size he'd most likely never engaged in proper exercise before, so the simple task of walking was probably unusual for the child.

Severus was sure, however, that the task would have been far less laborious if the boy had simply fucking walked instead of dramatically dragging his feet and whining. It was absurd. The child took a break every ten steps by lying down on the pavement and complaining. When he was walking he acted like he'd just run a marathon (even though there wasn't a drop of sweat on him).

Harry, for his part, simply walked - keeping his head down - and said nothing. He didn't even make a noise when Dudley tried (and nearly succeeded) in tripping him. The stupid boy acted like this was just how the world was supposed to work.

Once at the café, Dudley quickly - his complaints about being exhausted were forgotten - slid into a booth. Harry cautiously approached the table seemingly undecided about which side of the table to sit on. Severus nudged him to the side opposite of Dudley and slid in next to him.

He immediately felt a sharp kick to his shin.

He glared at the boy across from him who grinned before looking at the menu.

He took the menu from the child. "Do that again, Mr. Dursley, and I'll leave you here to wash every single dish in this café."

"You won't!" Dudley stated making a grab for the menu, "My parents won't let you! And you can't tell me what to do!"

"Your parents aren't here, and I always follow through with my threats, Mr. Dursley." He glared at the child who glared back. Unfortunately for Dudley, Severus had far more practice at being intimidating. Eventually, the child sat back and pouted. Severus placed the menu in front of the boy.

When the waitress came to take their order, the boy tried to order five separate meals all for himself. Severus sent the woman away asking for more time to decide. He then turned his attention to Dudley.

"You will choose one of those meals."

"But I'm hungry!" The whining sound caused Snape to clench his teeth.

"One meal will suffice to fill your stomach, I assure you. Having excess food in front of you will simply cause you to overeat."

The child had clearly never been denied anything before. He kicked the leg of the table, and the only thing that kept him from throwing a tantrum complete with tears is the fact they were out in public. "I WANT ALL OF THEM!"

A few of the other café's occupants looked over at their table. Severus didn't care, "No."

Dudley kicked the table again, and his eyes filled with tears even as he glared daggers at Severus.

"Owch!" Harry explained in pain, and Snape's eyes quickly shifted from Dudley to Harry to see the smaller boy rubbing his shin.

Dudley had kicked him.

Dudley fucking Dursley had kicked the boy. Lily's boy.

The greedy voice seemingly always present in his mind reminded him that the boy was HIS, too.

Severus kept a firm reign on his rage. Dudley Dursley had harmed something that belonged to him. That was not acceptable.

His voice was almost soft when he spoke to the smaller boy, "Are you alright?"

Harry stopped rubbing his leg, but pulled both his legs up, crossing them on the seat of the booth. He didn't say anything and simply nodded his head before looking at the menu as though still trying to decide what to order.

Severus found he had an odd desire to reach out to the child: to place a hand on his messy hair or pat his back.

He did not give in to the unwelcome desire.

Instead, he turned his gaze back to Dudley and hissed through clenched teeth at the child, "What do you think you're doing?"

The boy shrugged with crossed arms and smirked at him from across the table.

"When I ask a question, I expect an answer."

The boy shrugged again, "Don't care."

Severus debated only for a second, before standing from the table, "We're leaving."

Dudley's mouth dropped open, "We haven't eaten, yet! I'm famished!"

"I don't care," Severus replied truthfully, "Now, get up."

Harry was already up and standing next to him. Severus made a mental note to make sure he never left Harry alone with the Tuney's demon spawn.

"NO!" Dudley yelled.

"I'll remind you, Mr. Dursley, that I am the one with the money to buy your breakfast. You can remain here, but you will not be given anything to eat without paying for it."

The boy looked like he might start screaming at any moment, and Severus was fully prepared to ignore a full-blown tantrum coming from the child.

"I'm hungry!" Dudley whined.

"And you'll get something to eat, but if you're going to kick people when you don't get what you want then you will face the consequences. Now, get up."

The boy crossed his arms on top of the table and cried - rather loudly - into them.

Severus rolled his eyes, and left the boy at the table to find the hostess and placed a to-go order. He waited - with Harry next to him - for the food while keeping an eye on Petunia's boy.

He thought back to all the students he considered the worst behaved. The ones he was glad to say goodbye to when they left Hogwarts or didn't make it into his Advance Potions class. He doubted any were as horrid as Petunia's boy. But he'd only known his students in a particular environment. Perhaps many of the brats were this horrible when at home.

The hostess delivered their food in a single plastic bag, and Severus asked Harry to tell his cousin they were leaving while he paid. He reminded Harry to stay out of Dudley's reach when telling him that if he wanted his breakfast hot he'd best move it. Severus watched the interaction between the boys from the register. But Harry stayed well out of reach and was back at his side before the Dursley child had moved from the booth.

They made it out of the café without further incident - Dudley still pouting and dragging his feet. Snape led the boys back the way they came, stopping at a small park with a couple of picnic tables where he instructed the boys to sit before passing out their breakfast.

He'd ordered himself and Dudley a simple breakfast sandwich. For Harry, he'd ordered a Full English. The child needed to eat more.

Dudley finished his breakfast in record time and made to take Harry's from him, but Severus grabbed the boy's wrist stopping him. The boy yanked his arm back as though burned, and once again put his face in his arms to wail loudly. Severus was tempted to tell him that the act would work far better if he managed real tears.

Honestly, it was like the idiot child had yet to realize that Severus didn't care about what he wanted.

Harry, however, seemed happier than he had since the day they arrived, and couldn't stop smiling.

Before Severus could decide if he should scold Harry for enjoying his cousin's misery the Dursley boy's crying took on a more intelligible tone.

"I'm thirsty! I want something to drink!"

Severus motioned with his chin, "There's a drinking fountain over there."

"I DON'T WANT WATER!" Dudley yelled, "I WANT FIZZY POP!"

Severus shrugged.

Harry got up to get a drink from the fountain.

Dudley panted - his face so red it looked like a bad sunburn. The boy certainly took after his father.

Severus watched him apathetically. He wondered if the child behaved like this at school. He knew the boy went to a boarding school, and couldn't imagine this sort of behavior being any more common there than at Hogwarts. He certainly never saw this behavior at Hogwarts. Probably because the children didn't want to embarrass themselves in front of their friends.

Children could be far crueler than adults, after all.

"Dad says people like you are what's wrong with this country." Dudley found his voice, and his eyes were filled with hate as he repeated words he clearly didn't fully understand. "That you and your whole family are just lazy bums!"

Severus ignored the child, and as Harry returned to the table spoke more to him than the Dursley boy. "Ready to go?"

Harry shrugged and opened his mouth to say something, but his cousin spoke first.

"Mum says you're a criminal and a car thief, and they should have locked you up and never let you out!"

Harry looked at him as though trying to figure out if his cousin's words could possibly be true to not. Severus rolled his eyes. "Come on. Let's go."

He stood from the table and began walking back to Privet Drive. Harry walked next to him, and Severus didn't bother to check and see if Dudley followed. The boy wasn't nearly as stubborn as Severus. He would follow soon enough.

They'd barely made it fifty feet when he heard Dudley's whining and dragging feet trailing behind them.

When they arrived back at Number 4 Privet Drive the repairman was arguing with Tuney in the kitchen. Snape could only smirk as he heard the repairman explain there was nothing wrong with the refrigerator. Severus assumed having a witness was the only reason Dudley didn't immediately explain to his mother how Severus had starved and tortured him. Instead, the Dursley boy went to the living room to watch TV (at full volume).

Harry on the other hand practically ran up the stairs. The boy seemed determined to hide in his bedroom as much as possible. The only times he seemed to leave their bedroom was when Severus forced him to come down for supper every night. Severus could hardly blame him, but even he enjoyed spending time outside as a child.

He debated if he should rescue the repairman from Tuney or follow Harry to their magically enhanced room.

For reasons he didn't want to consider, (he noticed he was avoiding thinking a lot and didn't want to think about that either) following the boy won out. He made his way up the stairs to their room. Harry - who hadn't closed the door to his bedroom -  was lying on the floor, and was scribbling away on a piece of parchment. More than likely writing to one of his friends.

The boy looked up when Severus closed the door, but soon went back to writing.

Snape picked up a book he'd left on the couch and sat down. His reading was interrupted several minutes later by Harry sitting next to him on the small couch.

"Professor?"

Severus didn't put the book down, "yes?"

"Did you really steal a car?"

"Sort of," Severus glanced at the boy to confirm that there was a confused look on the child's face.

"How do you ‘sort of' steal a car?"

Snape put down the book. He tried to put an annoyed look on his face. He was absolutely not relieved that the boy started talking and asking him questions. He wasn't. He enjoyed the child much more when he was quiet.

"The car was reported stolen," he explained to the boy, "but when my father realized I was the one who took it... the charges were dropped."

The boy's eyes widened, "you stole your dad's car?"

"I borrowed it without permission."

"Why?"

Severus shrugged, "Your mother wanted to drive. We'd both just started learning how, and we decided we needed to practice."

"Mum was with you?" The boy's voice was almost reverent in its softness.

He snorted, but couldn't keep the fondness from his voice, "I would have gotten into far less trouble throughout my childhood if I had never been friends with your mother. Whenever she wanted to do something badly enough nothing would stop her." Some of the fondness left his voice, but he made sure his tone remained casual, "Not unlike you going after the Philosopher's Stone, or taking on a troll. Or helping Hagrid with a dragon."

The boy had the good sense to turn red with embarrassment.  

"And I know," Severus continued, "we will not see a repeat of anything like that next year. Correct?"

Harry shrugged and traced the lines in the couch's fabric.

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. He was going to have a headache until the child left Hogwarts. Of that, he was sure.

"Did you and my mum get in trouble? For stealing the car?"

"No," Severus's voice was dripping with sarcasm, "our parents were thrilled that we'd snuck out in the middle of the night, taken a car, and gone on a joyride without our licenses. They were especially pleased about how we'd managed to run the car into a ditch."

The boy giggled.

Severus's lips twitched. But he refused to fucking smile at the boy.

"Did you make the refrigerator break? And mess with Uncle Vernon's car?"

"I did," Severus admitted to the child, he was almost getting used to the boy's jumping from topic to topic, "And I trust you won't tell your Aunt, Uncle, or cousin about that?"

Harry shook his head, still looking at the fabric of the couch. "If you didn't know that you were my dad then why did you write Aunt Petunia letters to check on me?"

Blood boy. Asking questions again. Severus hesitated before replying, "The night your mother died, I made a promise to protect you."

"Oh."

"Your first Hogwarts letter," Severus regretted the words before they fell from his lips, "it was addressed to the Cupboard Under the Stairs."

Harry shrugged, "it was my room before they moved me into Dudley's second bedroom."

Fuck Petunia. Fuck Vernon.

Fuck them and fuck the vaginas they slithered out of.

"Have you been writing to your friends?" None of Severus' anger made it into his tone.

"Yeah," Harry looked up at him, "They keep asking about you. Well, about if you're horrible or not."

"I trust you're telling them that I'm slowly taking you apart for potion ingredients?"

Harry grinned at him, "That and hanging me from the ceiling by my thumbs."

"Excellent idea!"

Harry's grin grew, "Ron said I can come visit."

"And did his parents give their permission for this hypothetical visit?" Severus couldn't figure out where that question had come from. He should be willing to drop the boy with anyone willing to take him.

Harry shrugged, "I guess so."

"Unfortunately, we're stuck here for a couple more weeks," Severus reminded him, "However, I will write Molly and Arthur. If they agree, I don't see why you can't spend a weekend with them."

Why did those words sound so... paternal? Since when did he care about what anyone else wanted? And why not let the boy stay the entire summer? And why was he doing something to make the child happy?

"Why are you doing things to annoy Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon?"

Because killing them outright is frowned upon, he thought. Aloud he said, "It's the least they deserve, don't you think?"

Harry's grin faded, and he went back to studying the couch, "It's not very nice though, is it?"

Fuck. Me.