Friday flew by faster than either Severus or Harry wanted, and they both reluctantly packed their things late Saturday morning. Severus found himself wondering if he'd have to share a bathroom with Harry while at Tuney's house.

Bloody hell, he needed to get his own bathroom back. Where the boy's hair couldn't clog his shower's drain. Where there wasn't constantly water all over the counter from the child's sloppiness. Where any stray flecks of toothpaste were undoubtedly his own. If he were the type of person to sigh longingly over something he would sigh longing over just the thought of an unshared bathroom. But he wasn't. And he didn't.

At least not that Saturday morning.

The boy was unusually quiet and seemed so reluctant to pack that Severus nearly did it for him. Eventually, the child managed to sort through his things and pack only what he needed for their time at the Dursleys. The foolish child seemed to think he'd need to bring everything with him. Severus had caught him packing his school uniform into the trunk when he'd come into the boy's room to bring him his toothbrush.

The idiot child seemed inordinately confused regarding why he wouldn't need his uniform during the summer.

Eventually, the boy retrieved his owl from the owlery, and they were ready to leave. Snape shrunk their belongings though Harry held on to Hedwig's cage with both his arms wrapped around it as he sat on one of the chairs. It almost looked like the boy was trying to hug the owl with how he had his head resting against the bars; his arms encircling it as best they could.

The owl nipped at his hair and cooed as though trying to comfort the boy.

"I don't want to go back," Harry's voice was quiet and Snape wasn't sure if the child was talking to him or the bird.

"Let's get going," Severus decided to ignore the comment, " Tuney is expecting us."

The boy's lips twitched slightly, "she hates being called that."

"Then I shall endeavor to use the name as much as possible."

Another twitch of the boy's lips, but no comment. After a moment the boy reluctantly stood and began walking towards the door, his feet dragging.

His feet continued dragging all the way to the Hogwarts' boundaries. Snape forced his jaw to unclench as he stopped and waited for the child. The boy still held onto his owl's cage as though he were a scared toddler clinging to a beloved toy.

Not that Severus could blame him. After what happened at King's Cross he wasn't looking forward to a month with Tuney and her family any more than the child was. But at least he was prepared for her temper now. Though he had promised the Headmaster earlier that he wouldn't do anything to intentionally infuriate the woman further. They needed her to... maybe not welcome them into her home...but at least accept them as members of the same family. As a result, he couldn't give Tuney a taste of her own medicine. At least not on their first day.

Bloody hell.

Family. With Petunia Fucking Evans... or Dursley. Whatever she preferred, now. There was a time when he'd have willingly embraced being part of the Evans family. Of course, Lily was always there with him in his mind. He wouldn't have even minded if that meant Petunia was family, as well. He'd adored Lily's parents as a child. He'd cried when he heard of their respective deaths. Despite James being there, as well, he'd stood next to Lily at both their funerals.

Severus tried not to think about how Lily's parents died not knowing he'd turned away from the Dark Lord.

He hoped they knew how truly sorry he was.

The boy was next to him, waiting for him. Lily's son. Mr. and Mrs. Evans' grandson.

"It'll be alright," Severus looked at the boy as he spoke, but knew the words were more for himself than the boy. "Tuney has a vindictive streak and can clearly hold a grudge, but an apology should let her feel self-satisfied enough to calm her down a bit."

The boy made a sound of disbelief.

Snape produced a cassette tape with the tape completely unraveled and wrapped haphazardly around the plastic shell. He tried not to wince at the sight and resisted the temptation to repair it immediately only because doing so would ruin the portkey. It was a KISS album, at that. Dumbledore had no idea what the discarded piece of trash was, who KISS was, or why Severus had looked horrified at the unrolled tape before he even saw the band's name.

"It's a portkey." Severus explained, "We'll both touch it, I'll say the activation word, and we'll be transported to Tuney's backyard." He paused after the child placed a finger on it, "Then I'm immediately repairing this cassette. Candy Floss."

Snape felt the pull behind his naval and kept a close eye on the child as they were pulled away and dumped unceremoniously into a fenced-in backyard with grass that was just too green. Severus had managed to stay upright, but the boy was sprawled on the ground. Snape, true to his word, immediately repaired the cassette and tucked it into his pocket. Then grabbed the cage - containing an unhappy owl - off the ground while the boy picked himself up.

Severus took a moment to look around the backyard and resisted the urge to sneer. It looked like a picture out of a magazine. Minerva was right: Tuney was trying too hard. Speaking of which, Tuney herself was standing inside the house. She was glaring at them through a closed sliding glass door that appeared to lead into a kitchen.

Snape took a deep breath and approached the door.

It didn't slide open for him.

He tried the handle, but the door didn't budge.

Petunia smirked at him from the other side of the glass. The same smirk she would wear when they were children, yet it was somehow more refined, more conceited, and more pompous on her adult face.

This was going to be a very long month.

Albus had informed the Ministry that an of-age wizard would be staying at the Dursley's home for the summer. Thus, Severus knew he could use magic without Harry getting a letter about performing underage magic from the Ministry. He was unconcerned as he wandlessly cast an unlocking charm, and slid open the door.

Petunia's glare returned with added intensity.

"Good to see you again, too, Petunia."

Petunia didn't budge from blocking the doorway, though Severus could clearly see she was nervous by how she crossed her arms to hide her shaking hands.

"Are you going to let us in?" He kept his voice quiet and casual. At his elbow, he felt the boy tugging the owl's cage from his hand. He released the cage but didn't take his eyes off Petunia.

"I'd rather buy you a tent and have you both camp in the backyard rather than inside my house." Petunia's face showed anger still, but Severus heard the slight tremor in her voice. She knew that without being in a crowded train station he had the upper hand.

Severus resisted the urge to give into his base desire to torment her. To take advantage of her fear. To demonstrate that he was well aware that he had the upper hand. Doing that would make the next 30 days very unpleasant and utterly exhausting. Using that knowledge would be a last resort.

He had other methods to employ instead. "I can understand that," he agreed with her, "and if that is what you'd like, Harry and I will gladly comply." The boy made a sound of disagreement, but they both ignored him. "However, we'll be needing a privy from time to time. And eventually, the neighbors - as close as they are - will notice the smell."

Petunia looked momentarily horrified but stepped aside allowing them access to the kitchen. Severus closed the door once the boy had stepped inside. The child had stopped clinging to the cage with both arms, but where he was holding it with one hand his knuckles were white from the strength of his grip.

Severus took a slow deep breath before speaking and tried not to sound (or feel) like he was ten years old, again, and his father was - yet again - forcing him to apologize to Petunia for some bit of mischief he and Lily had inflicted on Lily's older sister. "Petunia, I owe you an apology. You were right about the letters. I should not have sent them. I should have come in person to check on the boy."

"I'd have unloaded him onto you immediately. Instead, I was stuck with him. He's done nothing but spend the last ten years being a burden to my family. Taking time and attention away from my own son!"

"I'm sorry, Tuney." He wasn't sorry in the least, but he'd never given Petunia an honest apology before, anyway. Why start now? "I'm sure if we work together, we can make this month go as smoothly as possible."

Petunia looked somewhat satisfied: her nose stuck up in the air slightly as she held her head high. She clearly saw herself as a martyr. She called over her shoulder, "Vernon! They're here!"

Snape heard what sounded like a small elephant running up the stairs even as Petunia's husband came into the kitchen. He assumed the loud steps running away from the kitchen belonged to Tuney's boy.

The man cleared his throat and opened his mouth having clearly rehearsed this moment in his head. Severus didn't let him get the words out. He took a step towards the man reaching out a hand as he spoke, "I doubt you remember me, sir. My name is Severus Snape, I was a neighbor of your wife's when we were children. We met a couple of times, some years ago. Before your marriage."

The large man was thrown off by the simple introduction and shook Severus's hand due to sheer instinct rather than desire. He cleared his throat, again, once they'd released their hands. "Yes, well, I don't want any trouble while you and the boy are here. It's not like we want freaks like you under our roof."

Snape took a deep breath and reminded himself he couldn't kill the asinine muggle. "Of course," his voice was smooth, revealing none of his emotion, though he knew several students who would recognize the tone as being one of his most dangerous. Including the one that was inching away from all three adults in the kitchen. "Harry and I will be no trouble at all. Right, Harry?"

The boy looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, as all three adults turned to look at him, but he managed to find his voice, "Yes, sir. No trouble."

Severus turned his attention back to Vernon and Petunia who had moved to stand beside her husband. "I do believe Albus Dumbledore has arranged for adequate financial compensation for our stay. Regardless, your hospitality is very much appreciated, and, as a show of good faith, I would like to take your family out for dinner tonight. If that's agreeable?"

Petunia narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him, but it was her husband who spoke, "I'll not be taking my family to any dining establishment run or frequented by...your kind."

It was too late for Severus to regret making the offer. He'd already been regretting it since the moment he'd had the idea the previous day. But if they were going to make it through this month alive (meaning the Dursley family and Harry) and out of Azkaban(meaning himself) then he would do whatever was needed.

Even if he'd rather try to give the Giant Squid a prostate exam.

Or have tea with one of Hagrid's 'pets.'

Or listen to Albus talk about his bowling pin collection.

Or play Gobstones with Pomona.

Or challenge Flitwick to a duel.

Or place a fucking bet against Minerva Fucking McGonagall, again.

Or all of those things at the same time.

"Of course, the choice of establishment is entirely up to you and Petunia," Severus stated calmly, "perhaps you would like to discuss it while Harry and I get settled?"

Severus looked at the door leading to what Harry described as both 'Dudley's second bedroom' and 'his room.'" There were several brand-new locks on it. All on the outside.

They'd intended on locking Harry in, and based on the small flap at the bottom of the door they hadn't planned on letting him out anytime soon.

Bloody fucking hell.

They'd left the kitchen a few minutes before with instructions from Vernon to Harry that Severus was to have 'Aunt Marge's room.' Whoever Aunt Marge was. No one seemed inclined to inform him, however, and, truth be told, he couldn't care less.

On the way upstairs, Severus noticed they'd passed a cupboard under the stairs that had a lock on it, but he hadn't mentioned it to the boy even as Minerva's words rang in his head. Harry gave him a brief tour of the house as they made their way to their respective rooms.

Upstairs, he'd told him which door led to what: his aunt and uncle's room, the upstairs bathroom, the guest bedroom mostly used by Vernon's sister (Aunt Marge), Dudley's room, and then Dudley's second bedroom.

Not Harry's room. But Dudley's second bedroom. A bedroom that had a door covered in locks, and only a small flap at its base for food. The thought repeated itself over and over in his brain. His mind simply refused to acknowledge the full implications of the locks and cat flap.

Severus wanted to blow the damn door off its hinges.

He considered arson.

Then he considered several ways of murdering both Petunia and Vernon with no one being the wiser. He also contemplated more entertaining ways of murdering them. Then he ruminated on the wonders of antifreeze... with its sweet taste... hardly noticeable when poured into the correct drink...

Harry made to enter the room, but Severus placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Snape's wand slid into his hand. With a wave and a whisper all the locks vanished. He continued staring at the door for a moment, before pushing it open with trepidation. The inside wasn't much better than a prison cell. The bed had only one blanket and pillow. The bare mattress had an assortment of stains that Severus didn't want to think about. What few 'toys' were in the room were broken.

And the window had bars on it.

"Throw a tantrum, and break all your toys in hopes of getting new ones, I take it?" Severus was truly hoping the boy's answer to that was 'yes.' It wouldn't explain the locks or bars, but at least it would be something.

"They're Dudley's. He broke them, and put them in here."

Shit.

What the fuck had they gotten themselves into? Had Albus known about any of this?

Snape swallowed down his rage and murderous intentions. This was not acceptable. But Harry needed the blood wards for his own protection. Harry needed to be safe from the monsters outside of the house.

Severus would need to keep him safe from the monsters inside the house.

"Come with me," he ordered the child and led the boy to the room Harry had indicated to be the guest room. He stepped inside ignoring the hideous flowery décor. He needed a new plan, but that would have to wait. Saying a string of complicated spells and seemingly directing the furniture with his wand, Severus made some changes to the guest room.

Generally, these sorts of things would be discouraged. Especially considering this was a traditional muggle home. In a traditional muggle neighborhood. And muggles simply did not have guest rooms that were bigger on the inside. Let alone guest rooms that opened into a small windowless sitting area with two additional doors that led to two identical bedrooms that looked exactly like Aunt Marge's guest room.

"Wicked!" he heard the boy whisper from beside him.

Snape smirked; it actually wasn't that good. It would do, but he was not an expert on spatial expansion and reconstruction spells. Not that he planned on telling the boy that. For example, he had no idea how to construct the plumping so they would need to use the upstairs bathroom still.

So, now he'd have to share a bathroom with even more people than Harry.

Fucking perfect.

"We will not be telling your Aunt, Uncle, or cousin about this."

"No, sir."

He went to one of the doors that led to the bedrooms. He unshrank Harry's things and placed them at the foot of the bed. "The window is a functioning window. You'll be able to let your owl in and out."

"Sir?" Harry asked, "Won't my Aunt and Uncle notice the locks missing on the door of Dudley's second bedroom?"

He began to swear but cut himself off before the words passed his lips. He stepped out into the hallway and with a flick replaced the locks on the door that would have been Harry's room.

Tuney would pay for this, as would her ass of a husband.

He stepped back into his and Harry's new sitting room. The level of absolute rage he was feeling towards the muggles who owned this home. Muggles who were entrusted with a child...Lily's boy...(a voice in his mind suggested: his child)... a boy he was meant to protect... and would see fit to lock him in a cupboard or in what amounted to a prison cell. He could feel his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. Who knew what else they did to him?

A quick 'Legilimens' on Tuney and Vernon and he would know it all, and then he would make them pay for every ounce of hate and neglect they'd inflicted on the boy.

He wanted to release his anger and the only thing stopping him was...the boy sitting on the couch - the only place he could sit as there were no other chairs - watching him closely. Severus felt some of the anger drain away.

The boy was safe, for now.

And though keeping the boy safe had been his priority since the night Lily died, the relief he felt at this moment was different. It settled deeper in his soul in a way that was unexpected and unprecedented. He did not wish to dwell on why.

"Somehow apologizing to your Aunt always leaves a bad taste in my mouth," Severus crossed his arms and made a face as though he'd just bitten into something that had gone bad.

The boy grinned up at him, "If you want, you can lick the bottom of Hedwig's cage. It'll probably taste better."

Snape smiled and found himself chuckling at a long-forgotten memory. "Your mother said something similar to me once."

The boy's eyes widened, and his voice was a whisper, "She did?"

Severus nodded and went to sit on the couch next to the boy. "I don't remember exactly how old we were. Before we went to Hogwarts, at any rate. My mother had caught Lily and me arguing with Petunia when she came to pick me up from your mother's house. I got a bit of a telling off then made to apologize to your Aunt." He smiled as he continued the story, "Once your Aunt went inside - and my mother followed her to speak to Lily's mother for a moment - I told Lily the same thing I told you just now. Lily suggested that I could always lick a toilet bowl."

Harry giggled, but made a disgusted face, "Did you? Lick the toilet, I mean."

"Fuck no, idiot boy." He said the words without any malice, and Harry's smile stayed firmly in place, "Nor, am I going lick the bottom of your owl's cage." Severus hesitated for a moment, "Your mother's second suggestion was that I swear at my mother on the way home. That way she'd use a spell that would leave my mouth tasting like soup. And before you ask, I most certainly didn't do that either."

"I don't think that spell worked, anyway. You still swear, a lot," Harry grinned at him.

Snape narrowed his eyes, "cheeky brat."

There was a knock on the door, and Tuney's voice brought back every ounce of rage he'd ever felt towards her. "Severus, we should be ready in about half an hour."

"We'll meet you downstairs," Severus called back, he looked at Harry whose smile had disappeared at his Aunt's voice. Using every Occlumency skill he knew, he secured his anger and stored it away for later.

The restaurant chosen by Vernon and Petunia was disgustingly ordinary. The sort of place that didn't cook the food as much as reheat it, and charged an outrageous price for the use of their microwave. The type of place that existed for middle-class people who wanted to pretend they had more money than they did.

Snape hoped they didn't all end up with food poisoning. It would make sharing a fucking bathroom even more miserable.

They were seated at a circular table in the middle of the dining room, and their drinks had just been delivered to the table when Petunia found her voice. "We were told that you're a teacher, now, Severus."

Severus kept his face neutral and took a sip from his water glass before speaking. "Yes, I teach Potions."

Vernon hissed turning red, "Don't say things like that here! Someone might hear!"

Snape raised an eyebrow at him but didn't reply.

Petunia ignored her husband, and Severus could easily feel the hatred burning in her eyes. Being in public, it seemed, boosted Tuney's confidence. She felt he would not risk doing magic with muggle witnesses around.

She wasn't wrong.

Petunia's voice was intentionally casual when she spoke, "I'm amazed you found a job at all, Severus. All things considered."

Severus smiled back at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. "And how is that M.R.S. degree going for you, Tuney?"

Vernon turned red, "how dare you!"

"Vernon," Petunia snapped in a hiss, "keep your voice down!"

Severus smirked but reminded himself that he had to play nice with Tuney.

"What's an M.R.S. degree?" Dudley asked, from his seat between his parents even though he didn't look up from his Gameboy.

All three adults ignored the question, and Dudley clearly didn't care too much about the answer as he went back to playing his Gameboy. Severus longed to snatch the toy from the child's hands and set it on fire.

"Where did you live? I mean, what city? When you were kids." Harry's question was clumsy, and Severus wondered if the boy was trying to break up the tension or was genuinely curious.

Petunia's eyes widened at the question before she turned her head from side to side concerned someone might hear.

"Cokeworth," Severus answered, not at all concerned about being overheard, his eyes didn't leave Petunia.

"Oh," Harry said, simply. "We stayed there once. In a hotel. When the owls were trying to deliver my Hogs...err... school letters."

"I'm sure it was a thrilling vacation," Severus commented, still watching Petunia.

The waitress brought their food out to the table. If Snape had any doubts about the quality of the meal based on the speed at which it was ordered and appeared on the table, then the smell of the unevenly heated food would have easily confirmed his opinion. How fucking hard was it to make spaghetti, honestly?

He took a deep breath and released it slowly. He was supposed to be trying to make some sort of peace with Petunia not enraging her further against himself and Harry.

Like fuck he would apologize to her again.

He cleared his throat, "Your generosity is appreciated, Tuney. I know this situation isn't ideal. Harry and I will do anything we can to make our... invasion of your home tolerable."

"Nothing about you, Sev, has ever been tolerable."

"Did you ever like each other?" Harry's despondent voice spoke up from his side. The boy was slouched over his food playing with it more than eating.

"No!" Petunia's reply was immediate and without thought.

"Yes," Severus didn't look at Petunia and waited for Harry to lift his eyes to meet his own. He felt rather than saw the other three at the table looking at him, as well.

"Keep in mind," Snape continued, risking a glance at Petunia, before looking back at Harry, "your aunt Petunia was my best friend's older sister. It was mine and Lily's duty to annoy Tuney just enough to get back at her for bossing us around all the time, but not enough to end up in trouble ourselves."

Petunia snorted, "as I recall you weren't very talented at that last bit."

Severus cleared his throat, "Yes, well, occasionally, it was in all of our best interests to work together."

"Even then you and Lily used to mess it up half the time. Honestly, if you'd have just listened to me and done what I told you to do." Petunia shook her head and stabbed a piece of chicken vindictively with a fork.

Severus ignored the interruption, "one year - when we were still in primary school - there was a winter festival held at the school. It was open to the public, but for various reasons, Petunia, Lily, and I were restricted from going that year. Well, Lily and I fully intended to go anyway and were working out the details when Tuney overheard our plans and she decided to make use of us."

"You make it sound like I took advantage of two innocent little angels who would never consider getting up to any mischief on their own." Petunia shook her head again, and leaned back in her chair crossing her arms, "That innocent act may have worked on others Sev, but I knew you and my sister better than that."

Snape spoke conspiratorially to a grinning Harry, "Do you see what we had to put up with?"

Petunia rolled her eyes.

Severus continued, "Well, Tuney wanted to go to the festival with her friends as much as Lily and I wanted to go. So, she made up a story about taking Lily and me with her to a friend's house or something..." he trailed off looking at Tuney to fill in the gaps in his memory.

Petunia looked at Dudley who was - strangely enough - paying just as much attention to the story as Harry. "A friend of mine did have family in town, and they had a couple of kids around Lily and Sev's age. The story was that I was taking them with me to visit that friend so that all the little kids could have something to do."

"And instead, you all went to the festival?" Dudley asked.

"We did, after meeting up with Petunia's friend," Severus continued as he looked at Harry, "and that is how Tuney taught me that the best lies are those based at least partially in truth."

"You didn't get caught?" Harry looked back and forth between Severus and his aunt.

Snape shook his head, "Nope."

"Not because they didn't try," Petunia added, not hiding her smirk.

"What are you talking about?" Severus rolled eyes.

"The next day you and Lily started talking about the damn festival in the living room! Right in front of my parents! Honestly, the two of you didn't have any sense at all. If I hadn't been there to shut the two of you up then you'd have practically confessed the whole thing to them!"

"I don't remember that," Severus said quietly.

"Of course, you don't," Petunia rolled her eyes.

Severus studied Petunia for a moment. He could, of course, remember a few occasions when Tuney saved him and Lily from some sort of trouble. And even more times when she was the one delivering them into trouble. However, he found himself suddenly wondering if she'd done more for them than he'd realized.