"I just...Oh god, it's just so hard." Harry whimpered. Harry wanted to get up, to move away, to be anywhere but here. Harry DID NOT cry. But even those protests seemed futile to his own mind as his tears dropped off the soft curves of his face.

He didn’t want to think about his past with the Dursleys. The past where he grew up without the knowledge of love, until he met Sirius that is and god, it hurt to even touch on that subject.

Snape saw what was going through Harry’s mind but he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. He knew talking about all this had brought up painful memories, and though it saddened him to think about it, the boy needed to face his demons. It was the only way he would ever truly be free of them. Running away was not an option. Harry needed this.

Harry started to walk to the door, but before he got the chance to so much as turn around Snape had a hold of his wrist and pulled causing Harry to lose his balance and end up on the floor right next to Snape. All Harry could do was stare blankly ahead, it was better than facing his problems. But this was not to be the case.

“Oh, Harry..” Snape muttered under his breath before wrapping his arms around the shaking boy. It was said neutrally with just a hint of sympathy. Holding him tightly, one could say he was protecting him.

“It’s not fair, why couldn’t they love me… I was never good enough. No matter what I did they didn’t care…. I was always the freak to them…” Harry sniffled.

“Then came the one point in my life when things where starting to look up: I had Sirius; even though I couldn’t see him that often since he was on the run, I still had him there for me, you know?” He sniffed, but then gained a faraway look in his eyes, which quickly turned to anger. “Then that was taken away from me! Everyone I love, everyone I care about either dies or leaves me all alone to rot. I can’t take this anymore! I can’t take this constant up and down cycle. I can’t deal with all that I’m given; it’s too much, too big of a burden to bear!” he ended practically yelling. He then disentangled himself from Snape’s arms and went to sit on the couch, leaning over the table with his head in his hands. He felt like things were falling apart. His shields were breaking, and it frightened him.

Snape once again felt jealousy, and felt angry with himself for being so stupid. He wanted to go over and comfort Harry again, but wasn't sure if the boy wanted him to. After all, he'd pulled away from him earlier and gone on about how he wanted his godfather there. Maybe he didn't want the comfort of a snarky old Potions master. "I know, but people leave. People die. That's life, Harry. That's life. But if you let it stop you from living, then what's the point of it all?"

"That's not fair!" Harry said. He missed the comfort he got from Snape when he was on the floor but didn't think Snape would want him to go back to him.

"Of course it's not fair! What in the world is fair? Nothing. Nothing is fair. Sometimes you're on the bad end of fair, sometimes you're on the good end, but fair doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned," Snape said.

"Why me?" Harry muttered angrily and shook his head over and over with his head still in his hands. "Why me? I never asked for all this. I never asked for...any of this."

Snape sighed. "We never ask for these sort of things. They just happen. That's life."

"I must sound like such a baby," Harry laughed darkly.

"Of course you don't.” Snape said with a sigh.

Harry got up and sat down on the floor next to Snape. He wanted to be near him for some reason. He wanted comfort. "I just feel like I have such a big weight on my shoulders and I can't tell anyone about it. I am the one who is going to kill the dark lord or be killed by him. I am the one who has to be the golden boy and keep everyone alive. I am the one who was abuse-um.....hurt by my relatives. I have to be the one involved with the order and I am always in the hospital wing and fighting Voldemort or SOMETHING every damn year. I have to be ignored by the headmaster and hated by the Potions master. It's always me. Its ALWAYS me! Its me who is spilling all that I have bottled up my whole life to someone I despised 6 months ago so I won’t have more of a mental breakdown."

"You're a person fate has chosen for extremes. There are some that will always have mediocre lives; nothing great will happen to them, nor will anything overly tragic. You have a lot of horrors in your past, yes, but I believe it will balance out in the end, giving you extreme happiness. You just might have to wait awhile for it," Snape said slowly, hoping it was true.

"It might never come," Harry said and then his voice got dark. "I couldn't even get revenge on that stupid bitch...."

"Don't let yourself be consumed with the desire for revenge. I did once, and it led me on a dark path, as you know by the mark burned on my arm," Snape admitted, not meeting Harry's eye. "Bad things will happen, but it's not up to you to right them or judge who deserves what."

"I can't...I can't just let her get away." Harry didn't realize it at that very moment but something happened. His mind unlocked and he subconsciously transferred a memory to Snape. It was the memory of Sirius falling behind the veil....Lestrange laughing...Harry getting held back. The memory was playing over and over in his head.

Snape cautiously put an arm over Harry's shoulders, unsure if they boy wanted the gesture of comfort or not. "I'm sorry about your godfather," Snape said sincerely. "It's horrible to watch someone you love die and I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"You hated him though," Harry said.

"True, I wasn't fond of your godfather, but I never wished him dead. I am, however, very sorry that you had to go through that; not only losing him, but being forced to witness his death," Snape said sincerely.

"Were you there? That night at the graveyard?" Harry mused. It was off the subject of Sirius but it kept on the topic of death.

"No, I wasn't. The headmaster didn't ask me to return to my position as a spy until later that night. If he hadn't asked, I would have never gone back," Snape admitted.

Oh...ok, nevermind then," Harry said.

Snape's eyes widened as Harry laid his head on his shoulder but was surprised at how nice it felt to feel needed. For a moment, he found himself pretending Harry was his son coming to him for comfort, but snapped himself out of it quickly. He didn't move from the position, however. "I have heard about what happened in detail, though. I have always been sorry about the Diggory boy."

"I know you will say it isn't true but... I could have stopped that from happening. I could have saved him."

"Harry, don't do this to yourself. You're not the only one who thinks that. I had felt the Dark Mark burning during that period of time; I should have known something like that would happen. And can you imagine how much Professor Dumbledore's agonized over it, allowing the tournament there, letting you be involved despite the suspicious way you were entered, not providing more protection, hiring Moody. Everyone can start playing the I should have game, but there's no point to it."

"Fine, I won't play that game. I guess you are right but Dumbledore..! Don't get me started on him!"

Harry let out a small laugh. Obviously if I say don't get started we immediately do. "He lied to me. He lied to me about everything. I am just his bloody pawn..."

"As much as I have my own complaints about the headmaster, and as much as you may see him in a negative light, Professor Dumbledore is a man with the world on his shoulders and he does what he thinks is best for everyone, without having the time to really analyze if that is what's best for them. He has to look at the bigger picture at times, and it can make people around him feel left behind or used, but I can guarantee that he really is a good person and has your best interests at heart," Snape said. Dumbledore had been there for him at a time when the rest of the world had turned their back on him. And though Snape had felt as Harry was feeling now, Albus had gone out of his way to make sure that Snape was doing okay, even if it wasn't always obvious.

"I know but... he kept so much from me! I didn't know anything! He always tries to be calm and collected but he shouldn't always be! Even after Sirius died, he acted as if he didn't care. I never knew what I should. I never knew Order news. I had to sneak to try and find out information.”

"Why do you think you need to know everything? Of course he kept things from you. He was trying to give you some peace in your stressful life. You should be partying and kissing girls and worrying about how to fit in Quidditch and homework, but instead you have to worry about the Dark Lord. Dumbledore wanted to preserve your innocence and youth for as long as he could. He really looks at you like a grandson, Harry. I know that for a fact."

"It can't be preserved! It never has! It couldn't be when he left me with those monsters!"

"Well, he didn't know that. You can't blame him for trying," Snape said. "Besides, I think you underestimate how much innocence you possess for a sixteen year old boy. In some ways you're mature beyond your years, but in others, you still have that innocence."

"How? What innocence do I posses?" Harry said.

Snape chuckled a bit, thinking of things he'd discovered through searching through Harry's memories. For awhile, he'd hoped to get the boy in trouble or embarrass him, and he was surprised at how little he dug up. "You've never tried alcohol," he started.

"That's what you think-I mean...um..."

"No, I've searched your memories for it and you've refused anything stronger than butterbeer. You've only kissed one girl," he continued amusedly.

"You know, I am able to hide some things from you in that..." Harry said. "Nevermind." Harry was recalling the week after Sirius died. He got drunk like an Irish sailor each night for a week. He of course didn't tried not to let anyone know, but Ron and Hemione found out and didn't him let him have anymore. That was the end of that. Occasionally he snuck some alcohol but he couldn't manage to get much. Ron and Hermione were always on the lookout. Snape had begun searching his mind a long time ago. By the time Sirius died and then Harry went back to school… Harry could still hide a few things. He hid the alcohol but couldn't manage to hide his abuse from his family. It was true he had only kissed Cho once but that didn't even matter.

Snape had been about to continue the list of things that proved Harry's innocence for a boy his age, but instead frowned. "Well, now you can, of course, but what sort of things are you talking about? Have you gotten together with another girl?"

Harry laughed. "No, I only kissed one girl."

"Alcohol then? You've advanced in your consumption of alcohol?" Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What? Oh...it isn't important. You said you didn't find anything in my memories."

"True, but I didn't look since our first round of Occlumency lessons. What made you decide to drink stronger alcohol? It's just that you seemed so against it in your memories as of earlier last year."

"Um...Si-my godfather died," Harry said simply.

"Ah, yes… some have a bad tendency to reach for the alcohol after traumatic events, but you're only 16 and have no business getting into that sort of thing," Snape said sternly, the latter part of his statement striking him as sounding strangely parental.

“Professor, we are only talking about this because you said I was so much more innocent then I thought. Alcohol helped me. It helped me a lot and I wish I had it now but I don't so whatever. How else am I innocent?" Harry pressed.

"You are more innocent than you think, if there aren't a mountain of things that have changed about you since last year, but we're not changing the subject so easily. I know how tempting alcohol is... It numbs feeling so you don't have to feel pain, don't think I don't understand that, but it's horribly addictive and you shouldn’t start something as dangerous as that!" Snape said seriously.

“I'm fine!” Harry insisted, not knowing how to change the subject.

"Alcohol only seems like it helps at the time, Harry! I don't want you to reach for a bottle every time you're feeling down! I don't want you drinking it anymore!" Snape yelled.

"I don't care! I haven't been able to drink because Ron and Hermione have been keeping such close watch on me so why are we even talking about this?"

"Because, though it seems you have good friends to watch out for you like that, they are only kids and obviously aren't able to catch onto everything going on in your life! They're still clueless about your home life and they can't watch you all the time to make sure you're not doing something stupid like drowning out the world with firewhisky or something!" Snape yelled in exasperation. He didn't like the idea of Harry drinking. He wanted the boy's innocence to be preserved as well.

Harry did something unexpected. He started laughing. "You were trying to tell me how innocent I was and then when I tell you I am not as innocent as you think you give me a whole big lecture! Of course people are clueless. Everyone was-is clueless!”

"Well forgive me if I like your innocence intact! You obviously need someone to lecture you! This isn't a joking matter! I don't want to see you get lost and I don't want to have to watch you spiral downward just because of something stupid like alcohol!" Snape ranted. "What else am I clueless about in regards to you? Are you doing drugs?"

Uncontrollably, tears started coming down Harry's cheeks. Harry jerked his head the other way and looked down in shame.

"Oh shit," Snape muttered. "What sort of drugs? Where did you get drugs?"

Harry didn’t answer.

Snape knelt down in front of Harry and put his hands on the boy's shoulder, trying to get a look at his face. "What kind of drugs? When was this?" he asked worriedly.

"Um...sk.." Harry muttered something that was too quiet for even himself to hear.

“What? Louder, I can't hear you," Snape said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Skillith," Harry muttered.

Snape shut his eyes momentarily. "Where on earth did you get that? And how many times have you taken it?" he asked softly.

"Um... I don't remember how many times... but I got it from... um... Knockturn Alley."