Harry walked slowly to the potions master's classroom, feet dragging as he trailed his hand along the stones of the wall. He had been ordered to continue the dreaded Occlumency lessons with Snape. He didn't even care about Occluding his mind anymore. He felt like it was useless to learn something like that after Sirius had died. He was gone and nothing mattered anymore. There was no reason to try and fail at Occlumency again. The final showdown between Voldemort and himself would happen, whether or not he could clear his mind. But like everything else in his life, he had no choice whether or not he wanted to take these lessons. No choices ever, except for... no. Best not think about anything he would rather keep secret before one of Snape's hellish lessons.

He was not looking forward to dealing with Snape. The terms that they had left on last School Term could not have been worse. The accident with the Pensieve would make the horrid relationship they had for the last 5 years even more despicable than it had ever been. He would never understand Snape's hatred of him. He knew that people hated and hurt others for no reason, he had known that for his entire life, but he would never understand why. But it didn't matter now. It didn't matter. He reached up to knock on the door and waited. He didn’t have to wait long.

Snape flung open the door to reveal the arrogant boy standing at its threshold. This boy, this arrogant golden child who had violated his privacy by snooping into his personal, embarrassing memories. He'd like nothing better than to strangle him where he stood. Snape still couldn't figure out how Dumbledore had roped him teaching this boneheaded whelp once again. He clenched one fist, hidden beneath his robe sleeve. He would do his duty but it would not be pleasant for the boy.

"I'm here for my lessons sir," Harry said without making eye contact. He waited in the doorway for whatever condemnation Snape chose to lash out this time. It was expected and Harry was determined not to let it bother him this time. It didn't matter anymore.

"Well don't just stand there like an idiot boy," Snape sneered. "Let's get this over with." He turned and stalked angrily back into his office.

Harry followed quickly, obediently. He did not want to be here. There was no point to it but he had no choice. Snape whirled behind his desk and placed himself in his chair ill temperedly. Harry sat in the chair in front of Snape's desk and waited. Snape shuffled through some papers on his desk tempestuously and slammed them into a drawer before addressing Harry once more.

"Have you been practicing or are you once again going to insult my intelligence by coming to these lessons unprepared and wasting my time," Snape said maliciously.

"I have been practicing," Harry gritted out in annoyance but still did not look in the professor's eyes.

"Then get to your feet and empty your mind. You've delved into my most private memories, so I'm going to look into yours if you are unable to keep me from them," Snape hissed. He couldn't wait to make the boy feel the embarrassment he'd faced when Harry had gotten access to his Pensieve.

"I didn't mean to do that!" Harry spat. "It isn't as if I liked what I saw!" He did not want his most private memories being seen and especially by Snape. The vindictive git would take and use everything he could against him. Harry shifted in his chair wishing he could bolt through the door.

Snape scowled and forced himself to control his anger. "Your lies may get past everyone else at this school Potter, but remember that I see through you. You're exactly like your arrogant, selfish, bullying father. Now, do not make me repeat myself. Get. To. Your. Feet." he said slowly with an underlying growl.

Harry scoffed but tried to ignore what the cruel man said. He stood up and finally looked into Snape's eyes. He tried not to think about the one thing that he most desperately wished to keep from Snape. Clear your mind Harry, clear your mind! He tried to push everything out but he didn't manage to do it in time before the spell was cast.

"Legilimens!" Snape shouted. He probed into the idiot's mind, seeking out the part that he could feel Potter was trying to hide.

Harry tried desperately to push him out but it wasn't working.

"Move Potter!" Uncle Vernon said and shoved him down the front porch stairs. Overbalanced, Harry tumbled down the stairs and landed on the concrete with a sharp hit to the head. Through the throbbing pain, he looked down to see splatters of blood on the ground. His hand reached up to feel the wound and came back with a smudge of blood. "I want you to-" Vernon was cut off as Harry found himself on the floor in front of Snape. Oh no! How would he explain that?

Snape looked at the boy in surprise. Surely that couldn't have been what it looked like. Maybe it was an emergency and Potter had been getting in the way as usual as his uncle was trying to get help or go to help someone. That made sense didn't it? Because there was no way it could have been what it looked like. This was Potter, after all. “What was that, Potter?”

"Nothing," Harry said all to quickly. He slowed down a bit. "I was getting in his way. It isn't important," Harry lied rather convincingly. He stood up and tried to clear his mind once again.

Snape nodded. Just as he thought. "Legilimens!"

Harry managed to keep Snape out for a little longer but when Snape finally managed to break in this time the scene was worse.

"Potter, what did I tell you about Dudley's presents!" Vernon roared.

"I didn't touch any of them!" Harry insisted.

"Like hell you did. I see a rip in three of them. What is your problem boy? You don't get enough from us? Food, clothing, a room? You ungrateful little prick!" Harry was backhanded and then shoved violently away. He grunted in pain as he smashed sideways into a tall table covered with photo frames. He desperately flailed his arms out to try to catch himself, but knocked into more photo frames instead. Several glass ones shattered and rained down on him as he fell, cutting into the reflexive arm he had raised to protect his face. He cringed at the pain as the glass slashed into him.

“You little freak! Look what you’ve done!” Vernon spat. He was kicked and then yanked up by his less hurt arm. The other one had already started to bleed from the cuts the glass had made. Harry felt sick as he realized that there were still several shards imbedded in his arm.

“I can’t stand the sight of you!” Vernon yelled as he forcibly dragged Harry the short distance to the cupboard under the stairs, his meaty hand digging into his arm with malice.

"Stop, please!" Harry pleaded. He wanted to get the glass out of his arm. It hurt so bad.

“Shut up!” Vernon yelled as opened up the door to the cupboard under the stairs. Harry was shoved in and then the door was slammed closed. NO! Harry couldn't believe Snape was seeing this!

Harry once again found himself on the floor in the dungeons breathless, disoriented and humiliated as usual. He jumped up without looking at the man in front of him and turned to try to make his way to the door quickly.

Snape was not so inclined to let the boy go without confronting what he had seen. He reached out and grabbed Harry's shoulder to keep him from running.

Harry flinched. "No!" He said desperately. "Let me go!"

Snape looked at the boy, his mind buzzing with shock. He couldn't comprehend what he'd just seen. "Who was that?" he asked breathlessly.

“No one, let me go!" Harry said in anger instead of fright this time.

“Was that your uncle?" Snape asked in shock. "It was, wasn't it?"

"No of course not, why would my uncle hit me? My uncle loves me and spoils me rotten. I'm the golden boy remember? It doesn't matter just let me go," Harry said in a hurry, still in Snape's grip

Snape grasped Harry's wrist tightly with one hand and with the other, quickly pulled up the boy's sleeve before the boy could do anything. He was horrified to see the irritated cuts all over the boy's arm. The memory had been real.

Harry yanked his arm out of the potions master’s grasp and pushed his sleeve back down over his arm, trying not to wince. He eyed Snape cautiously, trying to decide what the man would do next and how he would get out of this mess.

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose as his mind spun. How had this happened? "We're going to the headmaster."

Harry blanched. "No! Why do you care? It was an accident. Why do you care?" Harry repeated. He had to find a way out of this!

"I don't care!" Snape yelled, but he wasn't sure if it was true. "I don't want to deal with this. This is not my problem. Dumbledore is much better suited for this kind of crap," he rambled.

"There is no crap to deal with! There is no problem. It was an accident. Dumbledore won't talk to me anyway. It doesn't matter!"

"Don't you get it, Potter?" Snape sneered, looking into the boy's eyes. "Your uncle abused you."

Harry shivered at that word and the tone of it. "He did not a-abuse me! It was an accident!" Harry was lying but he would not back down.

"An accident. An ACCIDENT?" Snape yelled incredulously. "That was no accident. People don't accidentally do things like that unless you have some warped view of human behavior. I can't deal with this, I'm going to take you to Dumbledore. Come on," he said, starting toward the door.

"No!" Harry didn't know what to do. How could he have let anyone find out? The Dursleys had never been remotely decent to him, but the more abusive behavior had only started this summer. He knew why it had started. It was because the Order threatened the Dursleys. Harry had done nothing to protect himself when it started. He had deserved it but he couldn’t let Dumbledore find out about it. If the headmaster found out then everyone would and then they would all know how weak Harry really was. He had no choice but to beg.

"Professor please. I don't need help. Dumbledore doesn't need this. It really doesn't matter. Professor, please. I'm sorry about the Pensieve. I didn't mean to look into it. I was mad about what I saw and yelled at Sir-my godfather for it. Please just don't tell Dumbledore anything."

Snape was stunned for the second time that night. He couldn't believe Potter was acting like this. He opened his mouth to tell the boy that of course the headmaster needed to know about it, but instead found himself saying something entirely different, "You yelled at your godfather about my memory?"

"Yes," Harry said a little taken aback at the question. Harry straightened the sleeve around his hurt arm and tried not to wince at the pain as the fabric moved against his irritated cuts.

Snape looked at the boy in disbelief, momentarily forgetting the greater problem. "Why?"

Harry was relieved to move on to a different topic, even if it was a distressing one. "Because what they did was stupid. It was pointless and I didn't like that they did it simply because they were bored."

Snape studied the other boy in silence for a few moments, just staring at him in disbelief. He couldn't grasp the fact that he had been wrong about the boy. It left him feeling confused. Yet somehow, he felt a bit warmer towards Potter, even though he tried to push it away. He inwardly sighed. "Sit down on the couch," he said evenly.

Harry would do anything not to talk to Dumbledore so he quietly obliged, hiding any signs that there was pain coming from his arm or any other part of his body.

Snape went over to his potions cabinet and took out several healing salves and some sterile cloths and brought a chair over to face the boy. He was prepared to clean the cuts on the boy’s arms, but suddenly wondered if that was all that was hurt. "Take off your shirt," he demanded calmly.

Harry shied away. “No..."

Snape looked at Potter with a masked expression. "Fine, then I will take you to Madam Pomfrey."

"No!" Harry said as he quickly reached to take off his shirt. He winced in pain, not hiding it this time. He finally got the shirt off and slumped down self-consciously.

Snape stared in horror at the vivid bruises and cuts littering the boy's torso and arms. "What the bloody hell?" he murmured before asking, "How long has this been going on? And I suggest you do not lie to me." He added in case the boy claimed that it was nothing more than an accident again.

"Um...just since the end of term," Harry said as if that was the shortest time in the world.

“Merlin, Potter! Why didn't you tell anyone? And what the hell triggered your uncle into becoming abusive?" Snape asked incredulously.

Harry winced at that word. He so hated it. "Um...I don't know," Harry said suddenly not wanting to be anywhere near Snape.

"Hand me your arm," Snape said in a business-like tone.

Harry slowly did so, looking away. He never looked at the results of the abuse if he could avoid it.

Snape gently took Potter's arm and wiped the cuts with a clean rag covered in healing balm. "Potter, you know I'm going to have to inform the headmaster about this," Snape said coolly as he carefully cleaned the boy's cuts.

“You can't do that," Harry said pulling his arm away.

"And why not?" Snape asked, pulling Harry's arm back with a stern look and continued to heal the cuts as best he could.

“Because! You can't!" Harry would not say why. He couldn’t.

"If you can't give me a good reason, then I have no excuse, nor desire to keep this from him," Snape threatened. He wasn't sure why he hadn't just brought the boy to Dumbledore in the first place. Somehow, he felt his compassion for the young Gryffindor. He immediately pushed that feeling away.

"Professor," Harry sighed. He would try something out first. "Dumbledore doesn't care. He will send me back no matter what. He wouldn't even look at me last year."

"Are you mad, Potter?" Snape asked incredulously. "The headmaster would never let you go back to that household if he knew what was going on. You are not going back."

This wasn't working. Harry didn't know what he should do. "Professor...." He wanted to find the words to say what he must but he couldn't.

"No, Potter, you are not going back and of course the headmaster will need to be informed in order for him to place you in proper care," Snape explained with more patience than he knew he possessed.

"Professor, it's not just that," he went on and then stopped, at a loss for words.

"Potter, what in the world are you on about?" Snape asked sharply. "I suggest you start speaking in full sentences, because I can not even understand what case you are trying to make."

Harry screwed up his courage to say what the real problem was, what he thought he would never get a real chance to say to anyone. "Professor, everyone thinks I am strong, the 'golden' boy. If they find out that I can't even stand up to a Muggle what do you think they will think of the great Boy-who-lived," Harry sneered hatefully at himself.

Snape sat there stunned. He had always prided himself on being able to really see who Harry Potter was, but now it seemed that he was just as in the dark as everyone else, even if it was in a different way. What was he supposed to say? He wasn't going to lie to the boy about the world's expectations of him. "Neither Dumbledore nor myself nor anyone worthwhile would ever think you were less able because of what your uncle did."

"If you hadn't found out about this from me directly, then you would have definitely thought less of me, not that you have ever thought of me as anything greater than less." Harry said resignedly.

Snape winced. It was true, he'd always thought of the boy as nothing more than the offspring of his wretched father. It seemed however that there might be more to Harry than met the eye. "Potter, don't be ridiculous. You're the headmaster's favourite student. He would never think less of you for something somebody else did," Snape said with a bit of bitterness to his voice. He'd always disapproved of Dumbledore so blatantly picking favourites.

"Maybe he wouldn't but what do you think is going to happen once Dumbledore finds out? The Order will find out, Sirius- I mean... Remus and Hermione and Ron will find out and then everyone will find out. And what about you?"

"What about me, Potter?" Snape asked uncomfortably, feeling those emerald eyes on him.

Harry sighed. It didn't matter. "Nothing but please sir, don't tell anyone."

"Stop your platitudes Potter. I will keep you in this office until you start coming clean with me and if you cannot, then I will take you to Professor Dumbledore. Now answer my last question," Snape said in frustration. The only reason he hadn't taken the boy to Dumbledore already was because he didn't trust the old wizard to press Potter until the truth came out. The headmaster was too susceptible to the boy's lies and Potter would end up back at that abusive house.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked. “I was talking about you and you ignored that and went straight to some stuff about Dumbledore. And it isn't just Dumbledore. It is the whole Wizarding world finding out!"

Snape thought about what Harry was saying and realized that the boy was right. Dumbledore was a wise man in many ways, but Snape knew he would feel obligated to tell select people. The man would ignore Potter's privacy in order to attempt to help him, but Snape was sure that wasn't what Potter needed. If the headmaster was to know about this, he would also contact the authorities, and then it was sure to get out into the public, despite any assurances of discretion. Dumbledore trusted people far too easily. "And if I didn't inform the headmaster, what would you do come the next holiday?" Snape asked carefully, working on the boy's other arm.

"Professor..." Harry started. "You have to realize that I have dealt with this all summer. It wasn't that bad. I was stupid and got in his way. It was my fault anyway. As long as I don't do that anymore... I'm sure it won't be as bad," Harry said. He was lying to himself... and Snape.

"Don't be an idiot, Potter! You know as well as I do that it will not stop! These things get worse, not better," Snape snapped in frustration. "Lie down so I can tend to your stomach."

"No," Harry said and continued to convince himself. "You don't know. It will get better. I will just avoid him. It was my fault. His sister died, so he was irritable. I won't get in his way this time."

"Potter, I don't care how insolent or annoying you might be, there is NOTHING you could do to warrant that type of behavior from anyone, especially your guardian. It is unacceptable and you will no longer be in anyone's care who would treat you that way," Snape said firmly,

"You don't understand! It was my fault! I got in his way! I asked for something when he came home from work and he was busy and he wanted me to do my chores but I was doing something for Aunt Petunia so he threw me down the front porch so I would be closer to the garden, so I would weed it. He also thought that I had opened Dudley's presents so he was mad but really it was Dudley, so of course he would be mad. I deserved it. It's fine. I won't get in his way." Harry didn't know he was rambling at this point. He was also not looking at Snape during his rant. When he was finished he stared at his partially healed arm for the first time.

Snape stared at the boy in horror. "That is the man's excuse for beating you?" he asked, barely suppressing his rage at the boy's uncle. No one deserved this. The man sounded like a monster.

Harry shivered at the word 'beating'. He was too lost to answer, remembering what it had been like. The man was so big and always seemed to restrain and hurt him easily. Harry could never do anything about it. The heavy footsteps thumped up the stairs as the fat man laboriously climbed them, coming for him. What would he do to him this time? Harry was never certain and he was always a little fearful that this time the damage would be too much to ignore later, that it would be really serious this time. Hundreds of different scenarios flashed through his mind... each worse than the one before.

Snape looked at the boy caught in thought. There was a look of fear on his face. He cautiously put a hand on the boy's shoulder to get his attention.

He was here! How could he not have realized that Vernon had come so quickly? "No stop!" Harry yelled. He crouched on the floor and buried his head in his hands. "Stop, stop, stop, stop," Harry muttered.

Snape stared at the boy in horror and instead of running to get the headmaster, followed the protective instinct he was feeling and crouched down beside the boy, putting his hands on the boy's shoulders. "Potter! Pot...Harry!"

Harry heard his name being called. At first he thought it was his uncle but then he realized that his uncle would never call him by his first name. Harry opened his eyes and sat up wearily. He was looking into Snape's horrified face. "I...I..."

"I'm not going to hurt you," Snape said sincerely, feeling strange comforting another. "I will never strike you, do you understand?"

Harry nodded. What just happened? He didn't know what to say. He was in such shock. Maybe he was being abused... Why would he act like that if he wasn’t? "I- I'm sorry," Harry tried as he stood up and stared at the stone floor.

"Don't apologize, Potter," Snape said gently, if the man was capable of actual gentleness. He gestured for Harry to sit back down on the couch. "Lie down so I can heal the wounds on your torso. The cut on your chest is infected," he said courteously changing the subject.

Harry was incredibly embarrassed. He said nothing as he walked over to the couch and lay down.

Snape gently spread healing balm over Harry's chest with the cloth. "Do you have anyone else you can live with on a permanent basis from now on?" Snape asked hopefully.

"No, Sirius is-no."

Snape sighed. "What about the Weasleys?"

"I can't live with them. They would be in danger."

"We could put up extra wards around their house. Then you can tell them about what happened and live with them," Snape said in relief.

"I can't tell them!" Harry said sitting up but hurting his chest in the process.

"Potter, you're irritating your injuries. Lie back down," Snape ordered. "Now surely you can tell them or have someone else inform them."

"I can't tell them sir," Harry said despairingly. "I just can't."

"Well we can't have you sent to an orphanage. And Lupin's a werewolf so he can't take you," Snape muttered. "Think Potter, isn't there anyone who can take you in? And your pitiful excuses for relatives don't count."

"I can stay at Hogwarts or... I will just go back to the Dursleys’."

"You will NOT go back to your relative's home and staying at Hogwarts would ensure the entire Wizarding population to find out why it is necessary for you to find alternative care. No, you need someone who's good at discretion and keeping secrets, someone who's able to provide protection and could know about this. Potter, don't you know of anyone who could fit that description?" Snape asked anxiously.

Harry thought. If it wasn't Lupin then the answer was no. He had no one. Harry glumly shook his head. "I will be fine at the Dursleys’," he insisted.

"Potter, think. Someone in the Order would be preferable. Who can you think of in the Order that you'd let know about this? Can't you think of anyone who fits the criteria?" Snape asked desperately.

Harry cringed at who first came in his mind. "You?"

Snape stilled and made a scoffing noise, about to reject the boy's nonsense, but suddenly thought about it. He could provide the boy with protection. His home was heavily warded. His job as a spy made him discreet as all hell, and he already knew of the boy's home life. "Me?" he muttered to himself, more than anyone else.

"Well, you are everything you just said," Harry said. Harry didn't necessarily want to go with Snape. Snape had always been such an evil git to him, especially last year. But where else would he go? It was true that he really couldn't go back to the Dursleys’. He didn't know how long he would last there.

"Well, that settles it," Snape said, concealing the intense doubt he felt. "You can come home with me for the holiday unless you'd like to talk to the headmaster about finding a more suitable place to stay."

Wow. He was actually going to stay with Snape. Who would have thought? "Thank you sir... I will not be talking to Dumbledore."

Snape nodded sharply. "Nor will I, at least for the time being." "That is, if you choose to be honest with me. Remember, I can tell when you're lying and will not tolerate it in the future in regards to anything, especially while in my home."

"I will... how can you tell?" Harry asked curiously.

"Legiliments can tell if they need to," Snape said simply but firmly.

Snape would be reading Harry's mind? Harry certainly did not like that! "Um... what about Occlumency lessons and how will you get Dumbledore to let me live with you without telling him why?"

Snape frowned. That was a good question. What was he going to tell Dumbledore? "Occlumency lessons will continue as scheduled, and over winter holiday, I will make sure you have mastered it. As for Dumbledore, he is willing to be left in the dark about things if they fit his motives. I doubt he will object or question my motives far enough to risk that I might revoke the offer. He trusts me."

"Why are you doing this?" Harry asked still wanting to know.

"I don't know," Snape responded truthfully.

It was time for the winter holidays to begin. Harry would be staying with Snape because Dumbledore said everyone needed to go home so they could strengthen the wards now that Voldemort was back to full strength, and he wasn't going to stay with the Dursleys. Ron and Hermione were going home and they thought Harry was going back to the Dursleys. Of course they had not found out about the abuse. Dumbledore thought that the reason Harry was staying with Severus was so he could learn Occlumency better but the truth was, Harry had finally mastered it. It was about time too. Harry made his way down to the dungeons after he said his goodbyes to his friends. He would miss them. How would he last three weeks alone with Snape? How would Christmas morning be without Ron and Hermione opening presents with laughter and spirit. Harry knocked twice with his truck trailing behind him and Hedwig perched on his right shoulder.

"Enter," Snape called, knowing who it was.

Harry opened the door and levitated his trunk inside the room. "Sir," he greeted.

Snape packed up the rest of the papers he needed to grade and looked around the room once again for anything else he might need to bring. "I assume you've traveled by floo powder before."

"Yes sir," Harry said.

Snape nodded curtly and led him to the fireplace, holding out the jar of floo powder to the boy. "You may go first. It's Snape Manor," he said. He didn't want to go first only to have Potter run off as soon as he disappeared.

Harry threw the powder into the fire and unfolded himself out of it and dusted himself off. He was amazed at the size of the manor.

Snape stepped out of the fireplace, nearly bumping into the raven-haired boy. This was going to be a long holiday. "Alright, follow me and I'll show you to your rooms and tell you a few rules I have."

Harry dawdled behind him. He didn't want to be there. Snape said he wouldn't hit him but....what if Harry got in his way like he did Uncle Vernon. He wasn't safe anywhere....What if Snape was like Vernon? No....he wasn't. Harry tried to tell himself that but did he really believe it? He didn’t believe it. It was all just so complicated. "Yes sir," Harry said quietly deep in thought.

"My manor is large and easy to get lost in. There are four wings. The East wing contains your bedroom and all rooms there are free for you to wander through, though try not break anything. The South wing holds the kitchens and dining areas, the North holds the library, living room, study, etc. The West wing is mine. It holds my office and bedroom. Do not bother me there unless it's an absolute emergency, understand?"

Harry wasn't listening. He was very deep in thought. He didn’t know Snape was talking to him.

"Potter! I asked you if you understood," Snape snapped.

Harry jumped at the sudden tone of Snape’s voice. "What?" He said backing away as if Snape would hit him.

"Do you understand?" Snape asked slowly. "About the different wings."

"Um....yeah," Harry said but only because that would make the man happy. "I do."

"Okay," Snape said with a deep breath. "I have breakfast at 8am, you can join me if you'd like or eat on your own. Lunch is at 12 and dinner is promptly at 7pm. My house elf, Baz, will escort you there the first few days. To get him, you can just call his name, but I will not stand disrespect toward any house elf in my home."

Harry continued walking behind Snape. He didn't know where he supposed to go to eat because he didn't know his way around and he didn't ask.

Snape led the way up a sweeping staircase and down several halls before opening a large door to the guest room.

"This is it then?" Harry asked quietly.

"Yes, this is your bedroom, but as I said, you can feel free to explore the other rooms in this wing. There might not be much you will find entertaining, but your vacation would be better spent studying anyway. If you'd like to fly around outside, you can, but you must inform me first, understand?"

“Thank you. I understand. I won't get in your way," Harry said and then opened the door to his room.

"Dinner is at 7 as I said. Baz will show you the way when the time comes. Meanwhile, you can unpack your things.Try not to break anything or mess any of my things up. Other than that, you are a guest in my house and you will treat it as such," Snape said curtly before turning on his heel and leaving.

Harry walked in the room and started to unpack his things. What to do now? He found a couple of books and before he knew it it was 6:45. The little house elf came and led him to the dining room.

Snape was sitting at the long dining table, scowling at the newspaper when he heard the door open.

Harry walked into the dining room and didn't really know where to sit down. "Hello," Harry said making himself known.

"Evening, Potter. Sit where you'd like," Snape said, waving a hand dismissively at all the chairs down the grand table.

Harry sat in the closest chair to where he was standing and stared at the empty plate.

Snape looked up at Harry in surprise, having expected the boy to have chosen a seat at the other end of the table, but Harry had chosen a seat not too far away from the potions master. "We're having parmesian pasta and salad. Is that agreeable to you?" he asked, not wanting to feed the kid something he was allergic to or anything.

"Yeah that sounds really good," Harry said not really hearing what they were having.

The food was served and Snape distractedly ate, his eyes flickering between his newspaper and the young Gryffindor. "Is something the matter?" he asked coolly.

"No, nothing," Harry said. He didn't really want to eat too much. At Hogwarts he ate as much as he wanted but at the Dursleys he ate very little if at all. At Hogwarts he didn’t even eat that much usually. He didn’t know what he could eat now. Harry spooned a little bit of pasta and salad on his plate and swished it around his plate.

"Are you going to eat your food or just play with it?" Snape asked firmly.

"Oh, um..." Harry took a bite. "I'm eating," Harry said.

Snape rolled his eyes and continued to keep an eye on how much the boy ate.

Harry didn't eat much after that but he ate his salad finally and felt like he had a stomachache.

"Potter, is there something wrong with the food?" Snape asked sharply, annoyed at the boy for being picky.

"No, I'm not hungry anymore. I uh....had a big lunch."

"You weren't at lunch," Snape said with a raised eyebrow. "You're too thin, anyways. You're a teenage boy, you're supposed to be swallowing food whole and such. You're not leaving this table until you eat more, and from now on, tell me before the food is at the table if you know you don't like it."

"Professor, I really don't feel like I can eat all this food. It is too much," Harry said pointing to it all.

“How much do you normally eat at meals, Potter?" Snape asked suspiciously.

"I don't know. Um...a normal amount," Harry said slowly staring at the food but looking sick.

"Is this what you call a normal amount?" Snape asked.

"Um...I don't know. I eat until I am not hungry anymore. I’m fine," Harry explained.

"You are not fine," Snape said firmly, getting a bit annoyed. "How were you fed at your relatives? How much? How often?"

"I am fine! They fed me a normal amount three times a day," Harry lied.

"You're lying. If they had, your stomach wouldn't be so small and could hold more food. Now I told you already that I will not tolerate lying so I am asking you to tell me the truth," Snape said seriously.

"It is the truth! I am just naturally small. Some people are unlike my stupid oaf a cousin. He eats everything in this house. Bloody whale," Harry muttered.

Snape slammed down his fork in frustration. "Do you want to be known as a liar, Potter? Do you want me to never trust anything that comes out of your mouth? Is that what you want?"

Harry jumped a little in his seat. Snape reminded him so much of Vernon. "No," Harry said slowly getting himself together. "I just....I just don't think it matters. It never has before. Why should it now?" Harry sighed in resignation.

"Because now you are under my care and if I say it matters it does. Do you want to starve to death? Do you like being the smallest boy in your class? Do you want to have your body crash down because it's not getting enough nutrition?" Snape asked irritably.

"It's not like that! I don't have a choice!”

“What do you mean you don’t have a choice? They didn’t feed yet?”

Harry thought about his answer before quietly saying, “the only thing I get are Hagrid’s stupid rock cakes and cake from Mrs. Weasley for my birthday but that doesn’t last very long.”

“So you don’t get anything from the dursleys? Ever?” Snape asked the boy.

“Sometimes they do... I can usually scrounge up some food but not when they heavily lock all the cuboards “

“Snape was surprised to say the least. “Well, I-“

“I don't want to be the smallest guy in class but I have no choice because when I go to Hogwarts I am so used to eating so little that it hurts to eat more. I have to pretend to eat a lot so Ron and Hermione don't realize! I have had to do this for years!" Harry continued without even realizing the secrets that he was spilling.

Snape stared at the boy in shock. It seemed he had a lot of suppressed anger that he did an amazing job of hiding unless pushed passed his breaking point. And no wonder! It seemed the Dursleys were worse than Snape originally thought, if that was even possible. Snape controlled his anger at the family and nodded. "Well, the situation can be remedied," he said calmly. "We can slowly expand your stomach so it can hold more food. At every meal, we'll just have to make sure you eat until you're full and you'll have to try to eat just a bit more. You'll have to put in some effort with it though."

Harry was breathing heavily trying to hold back his tears. Why he felt like he was going to cry he had no idea. It was because of everything. All the pain, suffering, loneliness, abuse, everything he had gone through was all supressed and it felt like a tangle in his chest. Just a little bit of that tangle had been released.

Snape looked at the boy warily. It looked like he was going to cry, but if he did, he wasn't sure what he'd do. He'd never comforted anyone before. "Potter?" he asked cautiously.

Harry had to take control of his emotions. If he said anything he would be sure to break. "I'm fine," Harry managed looking at his food and forcing himself to eat a bite.

"That's, um...." Snape tried to find the words and kicked himself for sounding so idiotic. "Your relatives were really horrible, you know. You didn't deserve what they did."

"Whatever," Harry muttered and took three more bites rather quickly.

"They're monsters," Snape muttered before taking a thoughtful bite of his food. "I just can't believe you were left in that environment for so long without anyone noticing."

"Its hard to believe people haven't noticed....My Hogwart’s letter was addressed to the Cupboard under the Stairs. Those letters are sent by McGonagall herself." Harry muttered in the softer tone.

"Cupboard under the stairs?" Snape asked in confusion.

"Um...yeah. Nevermind." Harry said quickly.

"No, Potter, tell me right now," Snape said sternly.

"It was where I lived. I lived there until I was 11 and then I got moved back there when I was 14. I could have done something about it but...oh well. It's over." Harry said. He did not feel like it was over. The Dursleys hurt him The pain continued even now that they no longer hurt him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had to have this bloody facade all the time either.

“Merlin's beard," Snape muttered. "They kept you in a cupboard? Those bastards."

"Stupid bastards," Harry said without realizing how much anger was in his voice. Harry just wanted to smash something against the wall. That was how he felt all the time. So much....so much to handle.

"Wait, Potter, you realize those letters are magically addressed, right? Professor McGonagall only makes sure they go out. You didn't think your head of house knew you were living in a cupboard and did nothing about it, right?" Snape asked anxiously.

"Oh...um, yeah I knew that," Harry lied.

"Good, because there is not a staff member at the school that would leave you at that place if they knew what was going on....except for perhaps Filch, but that man has deep psychological problems as far as I'm concerned," Snape said, the latter part more to himself.

"That isn't true," Harry said looking up. He blinked once.

Snape looked at him quizzically. "Of course it is."

“No,” Harry said.

"How can you say that?" he continued incredulously. "You're the Headmaster's star student. Dumbledore would have never left you in that sort of environment."

"He doesn't care about me. He just wants me to defeat the bloody Dark Lord. I begged him to stay at Hogwarts. I begged him to stay anywhere but my loving relatives house. Can I be excused?" Harry asked monotonously while taking another bite. He was beginning to feel as if his stomach was stretching. If he ate any more he would surely throw it up.

"No you may not. The Headmaster obviously didn't know what was going on there or he wouldn't have made you stay there," Snape said firmly.

"He would have to be pretty ignorant not to notice. Who cares though. I hate them. I hate them so much. They, they, they..." Harry took a few deep breaths. Why was he suddenly at the breaking point now? He had been before but never when he was with someone. It was always when he was alone...in his room....but he had always held his emotions back. He had always done that. He had never even cried for his godfather even though he felt like spilling tears everyday, every minute.

Snape could see Potter was on the verge of his breaking point and though he felt the urge to ignore the problem and let the boy run off to his room, another part of him knew he needed to let it out. "They..." he prompted. "Go on. They..."

“Nothing...nothing," Harry said with an uneven tone and took a couple more bites. He could not eat anymore.

"Pot--Harry," Snape said, the name feeling very strange to say aloud, "You're right, they're bastards. You should hate them. You didn't deserve what they did to you," he tried, hoping he was saying the right things.

"I didn't deserve anything...but no, I did. I got in his way. I got in their way and I was a nuisance. I snuck food and I...I.." Harry took a deep breath but said nothing after that.

"And what, Potter? You did what? How did you deserve it? You snuck food? What else did you do?" Snape asked furiously, not at the boy, but at his relatives. This was ridiculous, what had they been drilling into that boy? "How was this YOUR FAULT?" he bellowed.

Harry was shocked at the volume and persistence of the man. He was taken aback. What was he to say? He couldn't. Snape would never understand. Harry didn't want to shatter in front of anyone. He didn't want to ever even if he was alone. It was his fault. It WAS his fault! He snuck food and got in their way and took up space and was a freak. He reminded Petunia of how much she hated her sister and he scared the others. He was just a nuisance and a waste of space. Of course they wanted him gone. They wanted to hurt him... Harry was abused almost everyday and he could never tell anyone. He so wanted to have his last living relatives love him! He wanted to feel loved by blood! They did love him...he just got in their way. He needed love. He got pain but he needed love! Harry told himself over and over that it WAS his fault. They did love him. They cared about him. They cared if he lived or died. They cared if he was in pain. He just got in their way sometime. Harry wanted to get it all off his shoulders. He wanted the weight to be lifted. He wanted to scream, to yell at everything, to smash things against the wall. He wanted to cry! But he had never done that before and like hell would he do it now...after 15 years. The closest he had ever gotten to fully breaking was in Dumbledores office at the end of last term. He would just have to keep it all bottled up. Harry made a whimpering noise in the back of his throat and pushed the plate of food forward so it was close to the center of the table. He then put his head down on the table and put his arms around his head.

Snape looked at the boy and felt an unfamiliar emotion, sympathy. He wasn't sure what to do, his own parents had never been very loving, never there to comfort him so he didn't know how to comfort in return. He rose from his chair and slowly made his way over to Harry, sitting in the chair next to him. He gently put a hand on the boy's back. "Harry..." he started softly, not sure of what he was doing, "It wasn't your fault. You've got to realize it."

In truth, Harry knew that was true. He didn't want to speak though, in fear that he would burst into tears. "Professor....please...I...don't..want," Harry found himself letting out a sob. Oh great. He was so close to breaking. "talk," Harry finished and buried his head into his arms even more.

"Pot--Harry," Snape caught himself, forcing himself to use the boy's first name, realizing it was the only way to establish any trust, "look at me."

Harry picked his head up slowly and eventually made eye contact.

“Harry, it was your relative's fault. Not yours," Snape said. "Do you understand?"

Did he? Did he truly understand. Yes, yes he did, he just didn't want it to be true. Why couldn't he just be loved. Normal people were loved by there relatives. Harry somehow managed to nod.

"Then say it. Say It's not my fault," he instructed, completely unsure of what the hell he was doing.

Harry felt so embarrassed. He had to get his emotions under control! Harry took a moment and looked away. You're fine, Harry, you're fine. Harry lifted his facade back up. "Why?"

"Because I want to hear it coming from you," Snape said, leaving out the because I want to know if you really do believe it

"I....I...yeah it isn't my fault," Harry said.

"Look me in the eye and say it," Snape instructed.

Harry was getting annoyed. He looked at Snape and said, "It isn't my fault," and then picked himself up and walked to the next room without waiting for Snape's response

Snape followed Harry into the next room and grabbed the boy's arm, turning him around. "You don't really believe it though," he said simply.

Harry yanked his arm away. "Yes I do! I do believe it! I don't want to believe it though. Why can't they-" Harry stopped not wanting to say more. He just wanted to go back to Hogwarts.

Why can't they what?" Snape asked gently, forcing himself with all his might to be humane for a moment.

"Love me! Why can't they just love me?! No! Nevermind. Just leave me alone," Harry said and started walking again.

Snape couldn't think of how to respond to that. What was he supposed to say? No, they really do love you? "Just because they're related to you by blood doesn't necessarily make them decent family. But it also doesn't mean you can't make family out of those not related to you," he ad-libbed, "Besides, they're scum," he added for good measure before kicking himself for sounding so idiotic.

“Yeah but....I have no one left. No blood," Harry caught himself saying.

"Don't put so much weight on the importance of blood relatives. People can't help who they're related to," he said before wincing mentally, thinking of how he'd acted toward Harry because of who his father was.

"You're one to talk," Harry muttered and found the nearest couch and sat down.

"Yes I am," Snape responded, pausing a minute to realize how immature that sounded before continuing, "I haven't spoken with my parents since I moved out of their house."

"Oh..." Harry said. He didn't know what else to say. It made him feel a little better. He realized he was acting like a child. "Um...sorry sir," Harry whispered.

"There's no need for you to be sorry. As I said, some people don't get the ideal families," Snape said with some effort. He wasn't used to talking about his family at all, but figured he could make the effort as Harry's situation was obviously worse than his had been.

"I've never said that much to anyone before," Harry said.

"Well, it's not good to keep it all bottled up. You've got to talk or it eats you up inside," he said, repeating the exact words Albus had said to him on so many occasions.

“I don’t think that has happened to me yet,” Harry mused.

"You don't think what has happened?" Snape asked, confused at the boy’s words.

"I don't think it has eaten me up inside yet...or maybe it has. What happens when it has?"

"I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "It's different for everyone, I'd guess. It affects your everyday life, how you view others, how you view yourself....your eating habits perhaps," he said with a pointed look.

"I...I...guess it has then...." Harry said looking away.

“Well of course it has. That was inevitable," Snape said dismissively.

"So um...what do I do then?" Harry asked in shame.

Snape was lost. He wasn't sure what to do. "Let it out. Talk about it," he guessed.

Just like that? It couldn't be that simple. It wasn’t that simple. He couldn't just spill his life’s problems. "I don't think..I could do that."

"Why not?" Snape asked.

It's hard! It was so hard. He couldn't even do it with himself. "I just can't...."

"You can," Snape interrupted. "You're a Gryffindor, aren't you? This is what bravery's really about."

"I was supposed to be in Slytherin," Harry said.

Snape stilled and stared at him. "What?"

"The hat wanted to put me in Slytherin but I met Malfoy first and he was going to be there so I convinced the hat not to put me in Slytherin. It wanted to."

"Slytherin?" Snape choked out in shock. "You were going to be in Slytherin? How? You're Gryffindor to the core!"

"Yeah, well apparently the hat didn't think so."

"You....That's....You would have been in my house," Snape said, stunned.

"Yeah, yeah, can we please move past that?" Harry asked.

“Why so eager, Potter? Horrified to think I would have been your head of house?" Snape sneered, feeling a bit stung.

"No, no, I just didn't want to hear your disgust for it," Harry muttered.

Snape looked at him with a raised eyebrow. The boy continued to surprise him with his insecurity. "It would have been better if you were in Slytherin. Slytherins can be very loyal since they have to stick together with all the prejudice against them. Someone would have noticed what was going on with your relatives," he spat the word, "if I myself had not seen it first."

"Are you telling me you wouldn't have hated me?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"I never hated you, Potter."

“You don't have to lie Professor. I know you hated me. It doesn't matter though."

"I'll admit I had a strong disliking of you. I knew your father and wrongly assumed you were the next James Potter. And then you never gave me any reason to look at you differently until recently," Snape admitted with a lot of effort. This wasn't something he normally did, but the boy seemed to bring it out in him.

"Well I'm glad you er...see me differently even if they are...weird circumstances."

"Weird circumstances indeed. If someone would have told me last year we'd be sitting in my living room talking, I would have immediately handed them over to St. Mungo's." Snape chuckled, before his eyes widened. He hadn't laughed in...he couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed.

Harry couldn't believe Snape had laughed but then he just shrugged it off. He had seen sides of Snape he never thought he would before. "Me too," Harry agreed. Harry's eyes held no joy, no excitement in them. His facial expressions would go in and out of happiness.

Snape frowned at the sad expression on the boy's face. "Maybe I should start putting Veritaserum in your drinks. Maybe that would get you to talk about the things that are bothering you," he said with a raised eyebrow.

“You wouldn't!" Harry asked in fear.

"Calm down, Potter, I wouldn't do that unless I thought you were endangering yourself, and even then, I'd prefer not to.”

"Um...okay," Harry said feeling a bit reassured.

“That was a clue for you to tell me what's wrong," Snape said with a sigh.

"Just like that? You want me to just start blabbing everything I have been keeping bottled up for my whole life just like that?"

"Yes," Snape said hopefully. "It's the only way to keep it from haunting you."

"Um....I...I guess so. You aren't going to, I don't know, tell anyone?"

Snape looked at him directly in the eyes. "Of course not."

Harry believed him. He felt strangely comforted by his voice and his eye contact.

"Well, where do I start then?" Harry asked.

"Wherever you'd like. The beginning, when it started getting bad, the cupboard you stayed in, whatever you feel comfortable with," Snape said, slowly sitting down on the couch with Harry, but not close enough to invade either of their personal space.

"Um...well I had always lived in the cupboard. It was all I knew...except Dudley lived in a room and had a whole extra room for his toys that he didn't even use. I always had chores everyday and I cooked a lot but I suppose that is normal for any muggle..."

"Well, I don't know much about muggles, but it seems that a child doing chores every day and cooking would be a bit abnormal," Snape said with a frown. "What do you mean by chores? Cleaning up your dishes and such?"

"Um...that and cooking all the meals and weeding the garden and cleaning the rooms and...um cleaning Dudleys rooms and cleaning the car."

Snape shook his head. "That's ridiculous and I'm willing to be a thousand galleons that's not normal for a...how old were you at this point?"

"I started doing those things around 5 I think...No, this is crazy," Harry said standing up. "I feel like I am going to a shrink or something." Harry started pacing without even realizing it.

"I'm not a shrink. I'm just...interested. I'm going to put you on any strange medications or try to analyze you, I'm just here to listen," Snape said calmly. He'd made that speech to a few of his Slytherin students over the years for lesser things.

That made Harry really grateful. He was really grateful for all that Snape had done. Continuing his pacing he said more. "When I was little I didn't know I was being..abu-mistreated. The only thing I was confused about was how I didn't feel loved. If I had a nightmare I couldn't find my Aunt Petunia and tell her what was wrong. I never got a hug. I just got reprimanded. I..I..." Harry paced faster. "They didn't start hurting me physically until the end of the summer after my 4th year."

Snape furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought you said they didn't start hurting you until this last summer."

Harry's eyes flashed quickly. "Oh I...um..."

Snape shook his head. "How did nobody notice? You were in my class, you never showed signs of..."

"How would you even see signs? I hid it. I hid it so no one would know, I hid it for my whole life."

"How? How could you hide something like that?" Snape asked incredulously. "And why? I don't understand."

"I...I used muggle concealer but most of the time I used concealing charms. I healed with time. If someone punched me playfully in the chest and I had a broken rib I would just look away. No one ever noticed it. I did it because...I am supposed to be the golden boy. I have the perfect life, spoiled at home, can stand up to Voldemort so I can surely stand up to a muggle. I couldn't do that."

"A thousand enemies outside the house are better than one within. Do you know what that means?" Snape asked.

“Um...no," Harry said on the verge of tears once again.

"It means that the ones we trust are the ones who can hurt us the most if they turn on us. It's easier to hate and fight against your enemy, but those who are supposed to be there for you and aren't, those are far harder to fight."

"That doesn't matter! I couldn't physically get him off of me...I...I..." Harry stopped pacing and collasped in the couch and put his elbows on his knees and then his head in his hands. He let out a choking sob. "He would always choke me to the brink. I always fainted and I couldn't go anywhere. Vernon didn't care. He...he..." Harry held back another sob. He didn't say anything for a second and by the time he did he had gotten his emotions under control.

Snape looked at the boy in utter sympathy. He was feeling such anger toward the boy's family, and at the same time, his heart was going out to the boy in front of him. Anger, he was used to feeling, but this new emotion left him feeling vaguely stunned. "That's nothing to feel ashamed of. You're underweight and small even for a sixteen year old, and what I"ve seen of your uncle through your memories, it's no wonder you couldn't escape him. Even I wouldn't have been able to get that whale off of me."

"I should have been able too though." Harry felt tears coming back. He was so stupid! He didn't need to cry. He DIDN'T HAVE to cry! He wasn't going to. Harry turned his back and stared at the wall.

Snape stood up. "Why should you have been able to when nobody else could? You're a teenage boy, not..." he had been about to say saviour of the wizarding world but had stopped himself, "...not a god."

"I might as well be," Harry muttered and then started pacing again. He wanted to keep from crying even though the tears that threatened to spill were so very strong.

"Well, I'm sorry, but nothing you can do will make you invincible. You're human like the rest of us, just with more pressure put on you and a bigger burden to carry than most."

"Thats the understatement of the century," Harry said sarcastically. Sarcasm was the only thing stopping him from breaking even further. He couldn't cry but he so wanted to. But he couldn't. He never had.

Snape gently put a hand on Harry's shoulder, facing his back. "You don't have to carry that burden all on your own."

"I've always had to. I can't let Ron and Hermione help. They wouldn't be able to."

"Well, I'm able to. Harry, look at me."

Harry looked at Snape as he was told to do.

Snape looked at the boy's reddened eyes and suddenly it clicked. "It's okay to cry," he said softly.

Harry quickly looked away. "I can't..."

Snape put a hand on each of his shoulder and looked at Harry's face intently. "Yes, you can. I'm not telling anyone and I'm not going anywhere. Just let it out."

"I can't do that though...I never...I can't."

"After those years of living in that nightmare, being shoved under the stairs like some piece of rubbish, having to watch your only parental figures fuss over your cousin as they shoved you aside, after your uncle beat you and yelled at you...you deserve a good cry."

"I just...Oh god, it's just so hard." Harry whimpered. Harry wanted to get up, to move away, to be anywhere but here. Harry DID NOT cry. But even those protests seemed futile to his own mind as his tears dropped off the soft curves of his face.

He didn’t want to think about his past with the Dursleys. The past where he grew up without the knowledge of love, until he met Sirius that is and god, it hurt to even touch on that subject.

Snape saw what was going through Harry’s mind but he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. He knew talking about all this had brought up painful memories, and though it saddened him to think about it, the boy needed to face his demons. It was the only way he would ever truly be free of them. Running away was not an option. Harry needed this.

Harry started to walk to the door, but before he got the chance to so much as turn around Snape had a hold of his wrist and pulled causing Harry to lose his balance and end up on the floor right next to Snape. All Harry could do was stare blankly ahead, it was better than facing his problems. But this was not to be the case.

“Oh, Harry..” Snape muttered under his breath before wrapping his arms around the shaking boy. It was said neutrally with just a hint of sympathy. Holding him tightly, one could say he was protecting him.

“It’s not fair, why couldn’t they love me… I was never good enough. No matter what I did they didn’t care…. I was always the freak to them…” Harry sniffled.

“Then came the one point in my life when things where starting to look up: I had Sirius; even though I couldn’t see him that often since he was on the run, I still had him there for me, you know?” He sniffed, but then gained a faraway look in his eyes, which quickly turned to anger. “Then that was taken away from me! Everyone I love, everyone I care about either dies or leaves me all alone to rot. I can’t take this anymore! I can’t take this constant up and down cycle. I can’t deal with all that I’m given; it’s too much, too big of a burden to bear!” he ended practically yelling. He then disentangled himself from Snape’s arms and went to sit on the couch, leaning over the table with his head in his hands. He felt like things were falling apart. His shields were breaking, and it frightened him.

Snape once again felt jealousy, and felt angry with himself for being so stupid. He wanted to go over and comfort Harry again, but wasn't sure if the boy wanted him to. After all, he'd pulled away from him earlier and gone on about how he wanted his godfather there. Maybe he didn't want the comfort of a snarky old Potions master. "I know, but people leave. People die. That's life, Harry. That's life. But if you let it stop you from living, then what's the point of it all?"

"That's not fair!" Harry said. He missed the comfort he got from Snape when he was on the floor but didn't think Snape would want him to go back to him.

"Of course it's not fair! What in the world is fair? Nothing. Nothing is fair. Sometimes you're on the bad end of fair, sometimes you're on the good end, but fair doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned," Snape said.

"Why me?" Harry muttered angrily and shook his head over and over with his head still in his hands. "Why me? I never asked for all this. I never asked for...any of this."

Snape sighed. "We never ask for these sort of things. They just happen. That's life."

"I must sound like such a baby," Harry laughed darkly.

"Of course you don't.” Snape said with a sigh.

Harry got up and sat down on the floor next to Snape. He wanted to be near him for some reason. He wanted comfort. "I just feel like I have such a big weight on my shoulders and I can't tell anyone about it. I am the one who is going to kill the dark lord or be killed by him. I am the one who has to be the golden boy and keep everyone alive. I am the one who was abuse-um.....hurt by my relatives. I have to be the one involved with the order and I am always in the hospital wing and fighting Voldemort or SOMETHING every damn year. I have to be ignored by the headmaster and hated by the Potions master. It's always me. Its ALWAYS me! Its me who is spilling all that I have bottled up my whole life to someone I despised 6 months ago so I won’t have more of a mental breakdown."

"You're a person fate has chosen for extremes. There are some that will always have mediocre lives; nothing great will happen to them, nor will anything overly tragic. You have a lot of horrors in your past, yes, but I believe it will balance out in the end, giving you extreme happiness. You just might have to wait awhile for it," Snape said slowly, hoping it was true.

"It might never come," Harry said and then his voice got dark. "I couldn't even get revenge on that stupid bitch...."

"Don't let yourself be consumed with the desire for revenge. I did once, and it led me on a dark path, as you know by the mark burned on my arm," Snape admitted, not meeting Harry's eye. "Bad things will happen, but it's not up to you to right them or judge who deserves what."

"I can't...I can't just let her get away." Harry didn't realize it at that very moment but something happened. His mind unlocked and he subconsciously transferred a memory to Snape. It was the memory of Sirius falling behind the veil....Lestrange laughing...Harry getting held back. The memory was playing over and over in his head.

Snape cautiously put an arm over Harry's shoulders, unsure if they boy wanted the gesture of comfort or not. "I'm sorry about your godfather," Snape said sincerely. "It's horrible to watch someone you love die and I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"You hated him though," Harry said.

"True, I wasn't fond of your godfather, but I never wished him dead. I am, however, very sorry that you had to go through that; not only losing him, but being forced to witness his death," Snape said sincerely.

"Were you there? That night at the graveyard?" Harry mused. It was off the subject of Sirius but it kept on the topic of death.

"No, I wasn't. The headmaster didn't ask me to return to my position as a spy until later that night. If he hadn't asked, I would have never gone back," Snape admitted.

Oh...ok, nevermind then," Harry said.

Snape's eyes widened as Harry laid his head on his shoulder but was surprised at how nice it felt to feel needed. For a moment, he found himself pretending Harry was his son coming to him for comfort, but snapped himself out of it quickly. He didn't move from the position, however. "I have heard about what happened in detail, though. I have always been sorry about the Diggory boy."

"I know you will say it isn't true but... I could have stopped that from happening. I could have saved him."

"Harry, don't do this to yourself. You're not the only one who thinks that. I had felt the Dark Mark burning during that period of time; I should have known something like that would happen. And can you imagine how much Professor Dumbledore's agonized over it, allowing the tournament there, letting you be involved despite the suspicious way you were entered, not providing more protection, hiring Moody. Everyone can start playing the I should have game, but there's no point to it."

"Fine, I won't play that game. I guess you are right but Dumbledore..! Don't get me started on him!"

Harry let out a small laugh. Obviously if I say don't get started we immediately do. "He lied to me. He lied to me about everything. I am just his bloody pawn..."

"As much as I have my own complaints about the headmaster, and as much as you may see him in a negative light, Professor Dumbledore is a man with the world on his shoulders and he does what he thinks is best for everyone, without having the time to really analyze if that is what's best for them. He has to look at the bigger picture at times, and it can make people around him feel left behind or used, but I can guarantee that he really is a good person and has your best interests at heart," Snape said. Dumbledore had been there for him at a time when the rest of the world had turned their back on him. And though Snape had felt as Harry was feeling now, Albus had gone out of his way to make sure that Snape was doing okay, even if it wasn't always obvious.

"I know but... he kept so much from me! I didn't know anything! He always tries to be calm and collected but he shouldn't always be! Even after Sirius died, he acted as if he didn't care. I never knew what I should. I never knew Order news. I had to sneak to try and find out information.”

"Why do you think you need to know everything? Of course he kept things from you. He was trying to give you some peace in your stressful life. You should be partying and kissing girls and worrying about how to fit in Quidditch and homework, but instead you have to worry about the Dark Lord. Dumbledore wanted to preserve your innocence and youth for as long as he could. He really looks at you like a grandson, Harry. I know that for a fact."

"It can't be preserved! It never has! It couldn't be when he left me with those monsters!"

"Well, he didn't know that. You can't blame him for trying," Snape said. "Besides, I think you underestimate how much innocence you possess for a sixteen year old boy. In some ways you're mature beyond your years, but in others, you still have that innocence."

"How? What innocence do I posses?" Harry said.

Snape chuckled a bit, thinking of things he'd discovered through searching through Harry's memories. For awhile, he'd hoped to get the boy in trouble or embarrass him, and he was surprised at how little he dug up. "You've never tried alcohol," he started.

"That's what you think-I mean...um..."

"No, I've searched your memories for it and you've refused anything stronger than butterbeer. You've only kissed one girl," he continued amusedly.

"You know, I am able to hide some things from you in that..." Harry said. "Nevermind." Harry was recalling the week after Sirius died. He got drunk like an Irish sailor each night for a week. He of course didn't tried not to let anyone know, but Ron and Hemione found out and didn't him let him have anymore. That was the end of that. Occasionally he snuck some alcohol but he couldn't manage to get much. Ron and Hermione were always on the lookout. Snape had begun searching his mind a long time ago. By the time Sirius died and then Harry went back to school… Harry could still hide a few things. He hid the alcohol but couldn't manage to hide his abuse from his family. It was true he had only kissed Cho once but that didn't even matter.

Snape had been about to continue the list of things that proved Harry's innocence for a boy his age, but instead frowned. "Well, now you can, of course, but what sort of things are you talking about? Have you gotten together with another girl?"

Harry laughed. "No, I only kissed one girl."

"Alcohol then? You've advanced in your consumption of alcohol?" Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What? Oh...it isn't important. You said you didn't find anything in my memories."

"True, but I didn't look since our first round of Occlumency lessons. What made you decide to drink stronger alcohol? It's just that you seemed so against it in your memories as of earlier last year."

"Um...Si-my godfather died," Harry said simply.

"Ah, yes… some have a bad tendency to reach for the alcohol after traumatic events, but you're only 16 and have no business getting into that sort of thing," Snape said sternly, the latter part of his statement striking him as sounding strangely parental.

“Professor, we are only talking about this because you said I was so much more innocent then I thought. Alcohol helped me. It helped me a lot and I wish I had it now but I don't so whatever. How else am I innocent?" Harry pressed.

"You are more innocent than you think, if there aren't a mountain of things that have changed about you since last year, but we're not changing the subject so easily. I know how tempting alcohol is... It numbs feeling so you don't have to feel pain, don't think I don't understand that, but it's horribly addictive and you shouldn’t start something as dangerous as that!" Snape said seriously.

“I'm fine!” Harry insisted, not knowing how to change the subject.

"Alcohol only seems like it helps at the time, Harry! I don't want you to reach for a bottle every time you're feeling down! I don't want you drinking it anymore!" Snape yelled.

"I don't care! I haven't been able to drink because Ron and Hermione have been keeping such close watch on me so why are we even talking about this?"

"Because, though it seems you have good friends to watch out for you like that, they are only kids and obviously aren't able to catch onto everything going on in your life! They're still clueless about your home life and they can't watch you all the time to make sure you're not doing something stupid like drowning out the world with firewhisky or something!" Snape yelled in exasperation. He didn't like the idea of Harry drinking. He wanted the boy's innocence to be preserved as well.

Harry did something unexpected. He started laughing. "You were trying to tell me how innocent I was and then when I tell you I am not as innocent as you think you give me a whole big lecture! Of course people are clueless. Everyone was-is clueless!”

"Well forgive me if I like your innocence intact! You obviously need someone to lecture you! This isn't a joking matter! I don't want to see you get lost and I don't want to have to watch you spiral downward just because of something stupid like alcohol!" Snape ranted. "What else am I clueless about in regards to you? Are you doing drugs?"

Uncontrollably, tears started coming down Harry's cheeks. Harry jerked his head the other way and looked down in shame.

"Oh shit," Snape muttered. "What sort of drugs? Where did you get drugs?"

Harry didn’t answer.

Snape knelt down in front of Harry and put his hands on the boy's shoulder, trying to get a look at his face. "What kind of drugs? When was this?" he asked worriedly.

"Um...sk.." Harry muttered something that was too quiet for even himself to hear.

“What? Louder, I can't hear you," Snape said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Skillith," Harry muttered.

Snape shut his eyes momentarily. "Where on earth did you get that? And how many times have you taken it?" he asked softly.

"Um... I don't remember how many times... but I got it from... um... Knockturn Alley."

"What, you were just walking down Knockturn Alley and decided you wanted to try a wizarding drug? What made you even think of getting some?"

"I..I really don't remember," Harry mumbled and stood up and quickly made his way to the door. He wanted this conversation to be over.

"Harry, we're not done having this conversation so please don't make me follow you all over this house," Snape said, getting to his feet, surprised that he had said please. He hadn't actually used that word with anyone in a long time, usually demanding things instead of asking for them.

"I don't want to talk anymore," Harry said and kept walking in a normal pace. He just wanted it to all be over. He didn't want to be with Snape anymore. The man was finding out too much.

Snape got to his feet and started after Harry, quickly catching up with the boy and whirling him around. "I don't care if you want to talk about it anymore. We're talking about it. I'm not like your friends. I'm not going to let you get out of talking just because you don't want anyone else to be involved in your problems!”

”I don't need your help! Just...just leave me alone!" Harry begged and tried to get away from his grip.

Snape kept his hold on Harry and pulled him into a tight hug. "You need help. I want to help you," he said firmly.

Harry broke down in tears and put his head on Snape's shoulder, "I know."

"Then let me help you. Talk to me. Skillith is very addictive, as I'm sure you've realized after taking it. How many times have you done it?" he asked as he held Harry tightly. He felt awkward and he knew Harry probably did too but he moved past that thought.

"I've uh...lost count," Harry cried and his legs gave out beneath him as he put all his weight on Severus.

"Shh," Severus said soothingly, slowly lowering the two of them to the floor. "You can get over this. I can...I can help you," he said desperately, trying to figure out how he was going to get this boy away from such a bad addiction. He refused to watch Harry be destroyed from some stupid wizarding drug.

"I....I am..really addicted. I don't know what to do," Harry sobbed.

"Okay, first off, do you have any here with you? Did you bring any?" he asked, rubbing Harry's back soothingly.

"I uh..." Did Harry really want to tell him? If Snape find out he would take it away and then Harry would be miserable without it. He needed it! He had to have it! But...he wanted to quit. It was terrible for him. He came to depend on it. He needed to get off of it or who knows what would happen.... Harry slowly nodded.

Snape nodded. "Okay, now you need to think about it and figure out when you tend to feel the need to take some. When do you find yourself wanting it? When you’re feeling a certain way?"

"When I, when I'm depressed I do I guess. When I get reminded..."

"Okay, well, we're going to have to make sure it's all taken out of your room. And then, whenever you start feeling depressed, or feeling like you want some, you need to come straight to me, alright? I'll try looking through my potions books later to see if I can find anything to help with the cravings, but it's doubtful. You'll probably have to go numb hippogriff on this and it's going to be really hard at first, but it will get better eventually, do you think you can do that?"

Harry had no choice. He had to. "Yeah," Harry said.

"You will do this Harry. You will be strong, and I will help you”

"Thank you," Harry said. The truth was, he craved skillith now. He wanted it this second. It was time to give it all to his professor.

"You're welcome. Do you want to go get it now?" he asked hopefully.

Harry nodded quickly and bolted up to his room. He reached in his trunk and started pulling stuff out all over the room. Finally he came to a plastic bag burried all the way at the bottom. Inside was all different colored flakes. Harry ran back downstairs and shoved it in Snape’s hands and then walked over to the couch and buried his face in the cushion.

Snape nodded and slipped the bag into his pocket and walked over to the couch, sitting on the edge next to Harry. "I'm er...I'm proud of you," he said, though it was difficult to say. He wasn't used to speaking like that.

"Professor?" Harry said picking his head up and looking at him. "Thank you for everything."

Snape smiled fractionally, making his face feel strange as he had not done so in such a long time. "You're welcome."

Harry sighed and put his head back to look up at the ceiling. He wanted Skillith. "Do you realize what anyone else would say if they found out about all this?"

"What would they say?" Snape asked calmly.

"They would all say... who knows what! They would turn there backs against me, that's for sure. I would probably go to St. Mungo’s or something and never see Hermione and Ron again. They wouldn't talk to me."

"I don't know your friends well enough to reassure you about them, and you might not be giving them enough credit. But then again, sometimes people who haven't experienced dark times themselves, can't fully understand people who have. They can't comprehend why those people might act certain ways or do certain things, so they either blindly accept it or shy away from those people who might just need help," Snape said, wondering if perhaps he'd been around Dumbledore too long.

Harry let out a snort of laughter. "You sound like Dumbledore."

Snape groaned.

"Merlin help me," he muttered.

Harry laughed again.

"So, do you think I have let enough stuff out so it doesn't eat me up?" Harry asked.

"Not nearly. It's not a one night process, but you're on the right track. How are you feeling right now?" Snape asked, rubbing Harry's back soothingly.

"I'm okay. I am actually feeling better, like I don't have so much weight on my shoulders as before."

"Good," Snape said, actually feeling a bit lighter himself. He glanced at the clock and was taken aback. "We've been talking for awhile. Are you tired?"

Harry looked at the clock. It was already 11. "Yeah I'm kind of tired but could I I..oh nevermind," Harry said getting up.

Snape caught the boy's words and stopped him. "Could you... Go ahead and ask, Harry."

"Could I um...sleep in the same room as you? You know...so I don't feel tempted?" The truth was Harry had received so much comfort that he hadn't before that he didn't want to be completely away from it.

Snape was a bit taken aback, but made sure not to let it show. "Of course," he said. "Go get in your nightclothes and brush your teeth and call Baz. He'll lead you to my chambers."

"Thank you," Harry said. He felt grateful. He knew he was being childish but Snape had shown Harry a different side of himself. Harry took about ten minutes. He felt weird being alone. He felt like he couldn't trust himself or something. He didn't like that feeling so he called Baz and immediately had him lead him to Snape's chambers.

Snape had just finished brushing his teeth when he heard Baz enter with Harry. The whole thing was a bit bizarre to Snape, but he found himself strangely excited. This is what fathers and sons did sometimes, wasn't it? He walked into his bedroom and gestured toward the conjured bed at the other side.

Harry thanked him and then climbed into bed. The last thing he said before he drifted off to sleep was another, "Thank you."

Snape watched as the boy fell quickly to sleep. He shook his head slightly, leaning back on his pillow. This had been a very strange day. He cleared his mind, as he had taught Harry to do for Occlumency, and soon fell asleep.

A couple of hours later while Snape was in a deep sleep Harry started screaming. "No! Stop! Let me go!! Uncle please! Ron give it back! I am not drinking that much! Uncle please! Ron, I said give it back!" Harry thrashed in his bed repeating himself over and over.

Snape shot up in bed and automatically grabbed his wand, pointing it into the darkness in paranoia before he remembered about Harry staying in his room. He immediately ran over to the other bed, nearly falling out of his own as it was smaller than he was accustomed, and shook the boy, calling out his name.

"Ron! Give it back!" Harry yelled with his eyes open and his body half-sprung from the bed. He looked around and remembered where he was. "Sorry...," he gasped, sheepishly.

Snape sat on the edge of Harry's bed and looked at him worriedly. "What was the dream about?" he queried.

"Um..." Harry couldn't remembered what he had said but he did remember what the dream was about. His uncle was hurting him and he wanted Firewhiskey but Ron wouldn't let him have it. "I don't remember," he said.

"I heard you talking in your sleep, but I'd really appreciate it if you willingly told me what happened," Snape said. It was the truth, even if he allowed it to sound like Harry had revealed more than he had. Whatever it took to get the boy to talk.

"Um...my uncle was hurting me. He splashed boiling water on my leg..." Harry explained recalling the dream and then the memory.

Snape was taken aback. "On purpose? Did that actually happen?"

"Er, yeah it did."

Snape shook his head slightly. "And now the part about Ron...," he prompted.

"Oh um...he wouldn't let me have any Firewhiskey," Harry said looking at his quilt.

"Hm, well Weasley just exceeded my expectations, then. You're lucky to have a friend who's worried about you like that," Snape said.

"Yeah...but he took it away, I mean....he is a good friend."

"Well, he's a good friend to have taken it away, even if you might not think so right now. And we're going numb hippogriff on alcohol too. I really don't want you on that stuff either, okay?" Snape said.

"But....I’m not addicted to alchohol and it isn't as bad!" Harry defended.

"Harry, you are addicted to alcohol. And I doubt you're a very fun drunk with the reasons you're taking it and all the stuff you have on your shoulders. Alcohol is horrible and is murder on your mind and body, something you do not need. Besides, do you want your friends to have to take care of you while you're stumbling around and yelling drunkenly, possibly saying cruel things to them? That's what people can do when they're drunk, you know."

"I am not- ah... okay, maybe I am. No, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to hurt them."

"Then we need to get you away from alcohol and Skillith, okay?" Snape said, glad to see that Harry was at least admitting he had a problem.

"Um...alright," Harry said in anticipation.

"Do you want me to stay here until you get back to sleep?" he asked gently.

"I don't think I can go back to sleep," Harry told him.

"Turn onto your stomach," Snape instructed.

Harry raised an eyebrow but turned on his stomach.

Snape softly rubbed Harry's back lightly in slow figure eight patterns. "Just close your eyes and relax. Try to clear your mind like we practiced in Occlumency," he said softly.

Harry felt comforted more than he ever thought he would. This is what he wanted. Harry fell asleep within five minutes.

Once he made sure Harry was asleep, Snape pulled the covers over him to keep him warm in the cold winter night. He brushed Harry's fringe away from his face thoughtfully before returning to his own bed and quickly drifting off to sleep.

In the morning Harry looked around and noticed that Snape's bed was already made. Snape must have gone downstairs already. The sun shone through the cracked blinds and Harry felt so much better than he had the night before. His first thought was disbelief. Disbelief at how much Harry really had told Snape. Snape knew everything and....Harry had no more skillith. He had given it all to Snape and Harry surely wouldn't be able get it back...ever. Harry remembered something he still had and reached in his trunk. He took out a cigarette and put it in his pocket along with a muggle lighter. He walked to the bathroom that wasn't connected to Snape's room and lit it. Smoking it as fast as he could he let it out and opened the window so the smoke would leave. Harry sighed in relief. That’s better. He then walked down the stairs to find Snape.

Snape looked up as Potter walked in and motioned for him to have a seat at the table. "We're having eggs and sausage, is that fine for you? And remember to try eating a bit passed where you'd normally stop."

"Yeah, that’s fine," Harry said and sat down a few seats away from Snape.

Snape's head shot up and stared at the boy, smelling very carefully, trying to concentrate on the sense. "You had some Skillith this morning, didn't you?" he asked in disappointment. "I thought you were serious about quitting."

"I didn't take any," Harry insisted, "I am serious."

Snape shook his head in disappointment, "You're lying to me again."

"I'm not lying to you! I gave it all to you!" Harry kept insisting. It was true he had no Skillith that morning but only if Snape still didn't give up would he find out that he had a cigarette. Then those would be taken from him as well. Dammit! Why didn't he take a breath mint or something after he was done?

"Then why can I smell it on your breath? Your clothes and everything about you is permeating with the smell of smoke. I had hoped you were being honest with me last night," he said, almost a bit hurt that Harry had lied to him.

"Professor, I swear to you that I did not smoke Skillith this morning. I...I want it but...I am serious about quitting. It must be..er..smoke from sometime before." Gosh, why wouldn't this man just give up? He would not give up his cigarettes! They were the only thing he had left!

"By lying to me, you insult me. I can smell smoke on you that wasn't there last night!" Snape said angrily.

"It isn't Skillith!" Harry demanded.

"Then why is there smoke on your breath, Harry?" Snape yelled.

"It isn't skillith!" Harry repeated angrily.

"Then what was it?" Snape yelled back.

"Not Skillith!" Harry said persistently. He could tell Snape was getting annoyed but he didn't care!

"But you smoked something. I thought you trusted me enough to tell me all the drugs you were on, Harry. What else are you hiding from me? What were you smoking?" he asked, getting upset.

"It's not a drug..." Harry finally said through gritted teeth.

"Oh really, then what is it?"

"Nothing important," Harry would not back down. He didn't care what Snape would think. He was not giving up the last thing he had. There was no way....

"It's important to me, I don't want you destroying yourself and I want you to trust me." Snape said.

"I don't want to tell you," Harry said not raising his voice completely.

"Why not?" Snape asked, a bit hurt

"I just..." Harry groaned. "I just don't want it taken away from me!" Harry admitted, and then realized what he had said and felt incredibly stupid.

"Don't want WHAT taken from you?" Snape asked worriedly.

Harry groaned again. "Nothing!" He said an took a large bite of sausage.

"Fine," Snape said quietly. "I can't force you to tell me anything. I just thought...oh nevermind." He went back to his meal, but didn't feel hungry anymore, feeling too upset. He was upset for getting worked up over this in the first place, leaving him even more upset. He couldn't look Harry in the eye anymore.

Harry took another few bites of his food. He was miserable. He felt bad because he knew he should quit smoking too. He could get cancer and his health would be in real danger. Smoking was a terribly habit. After about 4 minutes of complete silence, Harry muttered something.

"Cigarettes," he admitted, very softly.

Snape looked up in surprise. "What?" he asked, not having heard the boy. Harry repeated it reluctantly, louder this time. Snape actually began to feel a little relieved, despite the boy's revelation that he was on yet another drug. At least he was talking to him again. "Thank you for telling me," Snape said, surprising himself.

Harry said nothing but he nodded twice. He was beginning to be full but he had to eat more...he took a few more bites but very slowly.

"Cigarettes are also highly addictive, Harry. They'll kill you, you know. It will take awhile, but there's an overwhelming chance they'll kill you," Snape said cautiously, hoping Harry would end up offering to give up his cigarettes, as Snape didn't want to have to forcibly take them away.

"I know," Harry said still not quite ready to give them up. He only had one pack left. One pack couldn't hurt...

"I would like you to give them over to me. As long as you're going numb hippogriff, you might as well do the whole thing properly and get your whole system clean. And if you continue to do them now, your addiction to them will just grow and the work you'd be doing to get off Skillith and alcohol would be for nothing, as you won't have gotten rid of the addictive part of the habit. But....I won't force you to hand them over," Snape said softly. It had to be Harry's decision or it wouldn't work.

"It is only half a pack..." Harry said trying to convince himself that was alright.

"And after that, you'll be no better off than you are now. It's best to just do it all at once before the addictive cravings begin to drive you toward them more and more," Snape said ominously.

Harry said nothing. He still contemplated on giving the smokes up to him. Harry ate as much as he could. It was a little more than yesterday so he felt better.

"I'm glad to see you're eating a bit more," Snape said with a hint of pride to his voice. At least something he'd been trying to do was working. "We'll have you eating like a normal person by the time you get back to Hogwarts, hopefully."

Harry nodded wordlessly and got up. He needed a smoke.

"Harry," Snape called, hoping he wasn't losing the boy, "I want to help you, you know."

Harry ignored him. He walked into his room and got his pack of cigarettes out. He got his lighters and the couple of scattered cigarettes in his trunk and put it all in his front pocket.

Harry walked past the bathroom and downstairs to find Snape. Snape had his book in his lap, but his mind was racing too much to read it. He knew Harry was probably off smoking somewhere and felt helpless of the situation as he'd said he wouldn't force him away from them. And he couldn't. It all had to be Harry's choice or it would never work, that much he knew.

Harry found Snape reading on the couch and sat next to him. Harry dug in his pocket and then dropped all of what was inside on Snape’s lap over the book. Cigarettes and two lighters spilled out. Harry lay his head back on the couch and looked miserably up at the ceiling. After a few seconds he looked back at the cigarettes in deep longing but then back at the ceiling. He closed his eyes. He wanted Skillith.

Snape's heart leapt as he realized Harry had given him his cigarettes. He shoved all the stuff in his pockets and patted the boy on the shoulder. "I'm proud that you chose to give this up," he said, sincerely.

"I...didn't want to but...I had to. Now what?" Harry asked with his eyes still closed and his head leaning back on the cushion and still facing up

"How are you feeling?" Snape asked tentatively.

"I want it," Harry admitted.

Snape nodded curtly and wracked his brain. "A distraction might be good. How about reading or homework or..." What did people do to keep themselves occupied? "...chess?"

Harry let out a small laugh. "Numb hippogriff," he muttered before sitting up. "Yeah, lets play chess. I'm not very good though. Ron always beats me at it."

"Weasley?" Snape asked in surprise as he retrieved his chess set from the cupboard. "I wouldn't imagine he'd had enough brains for that."

"He isn't stupid, Professor. Don’t you remember when he was awarded points at the end of our first year for the best-played chess game?" Harry asked as he set the white pieces up.

As far as I’m concerned, he has proven his stupidity on many occasions and his intelligence on none," Snape said, placing the black pieces in their correct locations.

"Professor....you don't know my friends. Just like you thought you knew me, you think you know them."

"Okay, fine. I won't badmouth your friends," he said. He waited for Harry to make his first move.

Harry laughed at the expression that Snape had. The man continued to surprise him. Harry moved his first piece. He felt his stomach start to hurt. He wanted skillith so bad.

Snape quickly made his move and eyed Harry warily. The boy didn't look like he was doing so well and it was best to keep his mind off his cravings. "So do you have any idea what you want to do after Hogwarts?" he asked, more loudly than needed to get the boy's attention.

Harry thought about that. He didn't like thinking about that. He would be an auror. What else was there to be? He had always been planning on being an Auror but did he really want to be one? The truth was no. He definitely didn't want to do that. He wanted a normal job. He wanted a job a normal non-Boy-Who-Lived kind of person would get. "Um...an Auror," Harry said and moved another chess piece.

"Why do you say that sounding like you're marching to your doom?" Snape asked in confusion, wondering if Harry had misunderstood the question. "I want to know what you want to do."

"Oh um... I do want to be an Auror," Harry said not knowing what else to say.

Snape looked at the boy with a raised eyebrow. "You don't have to be an Auror. You can be whatever you want... with proper work of course."

"No... I don't really think that's true. I mean, McGonagall already made sure I was in the correct classes and everything. Everyone expects me to be. Besides, I don't know of anything else," Harry mused and moved another piece taking one of Snape’s.

"Well you should consider other options. Luckily, the classes required for an Auror are very broad and cover the requirements for a lot of occupations. There's so much more to do, and you don't want to pick something you're miserable at. Besides, don't you think you've had enough excitement with the Dark Lord? Do you really want to spend your whole life chasing after dark wizards?"

"No, I agree with you completely," Harry said. He was actually quite surprised that Snape knew what he was thinking about that. He felt better but still.... "People expect me to be. They would be so disappointed if I wasn't."

"You shouldn't care so much what others think," Snape commented, taking Harry's bishop. "Don't live to please others or you'll always be living someone else's life rather than your own. Let them worry about themselves and figure out what you want to do."

"I guess so," Harry said and moved another piece only to realized that piece was trapped.

"I really don't know," Harry sighed and waited for Snape to move his chess piece.

"Well, what are your favorite subjects? What do you enjoy doing? What do you see yourself doing in life?"

"I think..." Harry said really thinking about it. The D.A came up in his memory. He loved the feeling when someone had learned something new because of him. Would he be a good teacher? Well that was already proven.. Maybe.. "Maybe a teacher..."

"A Defense professor perhaps?" Snape asked, moving his next piece.

"I think I would like that," Harry said comfortable. Amazingly his trapped piece escaped and Harry took a knight.

"Well, you're the top of your year in Defense, and I've heard about your little club, last year, so the idea's not too preposterous."

"No... no it isn't," Harry said feeling more confident.

"And you have patience in helping others, as I've seen with you and Longbottom in class, which is a plus for the profession," he mused, taking Harry's castle.

"Well, all Neville needed was a little patience," Harry said eyeing Snape pointedly. He took his other rook.

"Well, professors get students like that most of the time, and some prefer to coddle them with what they call patience and others don't," he said smugly. "Of course, the former seem to get a better response from most."

"He doesn't respect you professor," Harry said truthfully. "He is scared shitless by the sight of you. I believe you have heard of his boggart in our 3rd year?"

Snape shrugged. "Some are. That's not my problem," he said taking a pawn.

"Why do you favor the Slytherins so much? I know it is partially because you are the Head of House but McGonagall and every other Head of House doesn't favor their own House so much. Does it have anything to do with your rivalry with my father and Si-uh...my godfather?"

Snape blinked at the boy, both at the question and in noticing him tripping over his godfather's name. "No, not directly. I did have some bad experiences with Gryffindor, but I generally favor Slytherins to give them a break from the rest of the school, the students and many other teachers. At Quidditch matches, the rest of the school jeers at them, and everyone assumes they're evil because of the colors they wear. I like to give them one class they can look forward to, one class they can feel glad to be a Slytherin," Snape said honestly.

Harry suddenly forgot what they were talking about. It had been so long since he last had skillith. "Professor," he moaned.

Snape looked at the boy worriedly. "What's wrong?" he asked quickly.

"Isn't there any way you can just give me a potion that makes me NOT addicted to all these things?" Harry said wanting the forbidden drug terribly.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but I've checked and I'm continuing to look to see if I can find anything to help, but I know for a fact there's no simple cure. I know it's hard, but you're doing well. You'll be fine," Snape assured him, feeling bad for the boy knowing he was beginning to feel the need for the drug.

"Can I at least smoke one?" Harry asked even though he was fighting a losing battle. There was no doubt about it.

"No, you can't," Snape said regretfully. "I know this is hard, but you just need to get through it and the worse symptoms of the withdrawal will pass."

"Okay but I know there is SOMETHING for a nicotine addiction. Muggles use stuff ALL the time!"

"Yes, I know. I've ordered gum and patches to see which one works best. They're coming later tonight by owl," Snape informed him.

"Later," Harry muttered without realizing his hands were starting to shake. "I wonder if Si-my godfather ever smoked or anything. I wonder if any of the Marauders did..."

Snape frowned, realizing the boy had done the thing with his godfather's name again. "Not that I recall from school. I think your father and godfather in particular got smashingly drunk at several school parties, but they weren't addicted. They also made huge fools of themselves in the process."

“Yeah, my dad, Remus, and Si-he were smarter than that.”

“ Why do you always do that with your godfather's name?" Snape asked curiously

"Do what?" Harry asked.

"You don't say it," Snape said bluntly.

"Oh I uh...I don't know. I don't er...feel the need I guess..."

"I guess your godfather's death was pretty hard on you," Snape said sympathetically as he moved his next piece. "I didn't really think much of it, since you knew him for such a short time, but I guess you two must have been close."

"Um...yeah but what does that have to do with anything?" Harry asked contemplating where to move his rook

"Well, that's when you said you started turning toward all this stuff. It was a bad choice in coping methods, though," Snape said, waiting for Harry to make his move.

"I know," Harry sighed remembering his godfather's smile. He moved his rook.

"Hopefully you can begin to cope with his death. It might make getting over your addictions easier," Snape said, taking the rook Harry had just moved.

Harry didn't know how to begin to cope with his death. He should have been able to cope. Many people had to cope with the death of family members daily but Harry had turned to terrible things. "Well, I do miss him," Harry said and moved his next piece.

"Were you two close?" Snape asked, only realizing he'd moved a rook into a bad spot on the board after he'd removed his hand.

"Um...not very close," Harry stated without looking up and took Snape's last pawn.

Snape's eyebrows furrowed. That wasn't what he'd expected. "Then why were you so distraught after his death?" he asked curiously.

"Um..." Harry started. He didn't feel like talking about this. It was all so much at one time. He sighed and answered the question though wishing Snape would make his move. "It was my fault."

"Don't be ridiculous," Snape said, snapping his head up to look at the boy.

"Fine," Harry said willing not to talk about it.

"It wasn't your fault," Snape continued. "The Dark Lord tricked you. You didn't know he was manipulating you."

Harry's hands began to shake even more so than before and his stomach felt like it had a lot of emptiness in it although he wasn't hungry. "Professor," Harry said looking at his shaking hands, "I don't think this is the best time to talk about it."

Snape caught sight of Harry's shaky hands and nodded. "Right," he said curtly.

Distraction time. He wracked his brain for simple topics. "What's your favorite color?" he asked lamely, vying for time.

Harry groaned loudly and closed his eyes in pain. "Um....maroon and gold," Harry said.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Predictable. Um, favorite... favorite food?"

"Cauldron cakes," Harry said. He wanted to put his head down on his hands but his hands couldn't find his head so he just put them back down shakily.

"Favorite music?" he asked hopefully, unsure how much longer this was going to keep the boy distracted.

Harry could feel his brain starting to work in overtime. He had to stand up. He had to walk around. He had to get out. He had to do something! "Um," Harry said now his voice very fast, "Wicked Brothers," he said and then stood up and started pacing. He didn't even think of how this would look to anyone else.

"Of course, teenage boys and their rock music. I'll never understand," Snape said, trying to grab Harry's attention. "Do you want to go on a walk or something around the house or the yard..." he suggested, seeing Harry's anxious pacing.

"A walk, sounds good," Harry said hurriedly and bolted to the front door. He tried to open it but it wouldn't budge. "Why won't this open!" He yelled.

"Calm down. It's locked for safety. Let's go out the back door so I can show you where it is and the Quidditch pitch," he said.

"Can I go flying?" Harry asked still with a very fast voice.

"Okay, as long as you swear to me that you'll only fly around the area I show you so I can watch you. You're shaky and I don't want you to fall," Snape said warily, unsure if this was a good idea.

"I promise!" Harry said happy that he was at least doing something he loved if he couldn't do what he really wanted to.

"Okay, go grab your broom and meet me back down here, then," Snape said.

Harry nodded and ran to get his broom. Maybe he still had some skillith left that he forgot about! He scrummaged through all his stuff, broom aside but he couldn't find any! He wanted some so bad. He needed it. It was the only way he would stop shaking and feeling sick!!! Harry started to look everywhere. "There's none here, there's none here," He sobbed, broom forgotten. He continued to look all over his room. He threw books of the shelves and clothes all over the place. He wouldn't give up!

Snape had been waiting for awhile. Knowing it couldn't take Harry that long to grab his broom, he quickly made his way to the boy's room and knocked on the door.

Harry didn't hear Snape's knock. He just continued to scrounge around the room now attempting to pull everything out of his trunk. "There is none here!" Harry cried again.

Snape heard Harry shout from inside and opened the door. He was shocked at the state the room was in. "Harry," he called to grab the boy's attention.

Harry turned to Snape and then looked at the broom in shame. He had to find a distraction. "Lets go flying," Harry said wiping tears off then picking himself up and grabbing the broom he swept through the door without waiting for a response from Snape.

Snape sighed and followed the boy. He knew what Harry had been doing, but what could he say? He wasn't going to berate the boy while he was going through this hard time. He eventually took over the lead and led Harry through the house out the back door. "Here's the field you can fly around," he said, gesturing to the huge area.

Harry looked around. The Quidditch pitch was huge. Harry couldn't resist. Without waiting, he mounted his broom and took off in the air. He swooped around the pitch and felt so much better with the wind in his hair and the cool air hitting his face. Without realizing it he went further and further. Harry didn't see the tree that he smashed into and fell onto the grassy ground.

Snape saw Harry hit the tree and fall to the ground. "Shit!" he cursed before racing over to the fallen boy and kneeling by him. "Harry? Harry, are you okay?

"Yeah, I'm okay Sirius. Where is Remus?" Harry asked in a daze but looking straight at Snape.

Snape was very taken back. "It's Professor Snape, Harry. Snap out of it!" he yelled, wincing at the deep cut on Harry's upper forehead near his lightening bolt scar.

"Sirius, are you okay? Did you know your nostrils flare when you yell?" Harry laughed lightly. "Are we going home soon Sirius? I love your home. I'm glad Moony is living with us. I am so glad that I finally don't have to live with the Dursleys." Harry shivered as he said that.

"It's Professor Snape, Harry. You've hit your head pretty bad." Snape looked down at him in sympathy before picking him up in his arms and heading toward the house.

"My head does kind of hurt. So," Harry said and nustled his head against Snape's shoulder. "Sirius, I miss you. I'm sorry I got you killed. I shouldn't have believed Kreacher. Are you back forever now or are you leaving again?"

Snape sighed, not knowing what to do. "Actually, Harry, you're going to go stay with Professor Snape. He's going to take care of you," he heard himself say. He winced, knowing he was using the boy's vulnerable state to figure out how he felt about the whole situation. But he wasn't a Slytherin for nothing.

"So you are leaving me again? I will miss you. I'm sorry," Harry said in a childlike voice. "I'm staying with Professor Snape? That's okay. He helps me even though I don't always admit I want it. I don't know why you don't like him. He is a lot nicer when you get to know him." Harry said shifting his swollen head to the right.

Snape couldn't help but smile a bit before making his way inside the house and setting Harry down on his bed before getting some potions from the next room. He settled down next to the boy and began cleaning the wound.

"That doesn't hurt that much compared to some things," Harry rambled on. "One time Vernon dropped a knife on my thigh because I accidentley dropped the silverware when I was setting the dinner table. Of course I didn't get to eat there but that really hurt. The knife went really deep. Hermione and Ron wanted to know I why I was limping and I told them it was because I had a bad muscle cramp. They believed me. this doesn't hurt as much as that."

"He dropped it on you and it went that deep into your leg?" Snape asked skeptically. That didn't sound quite right.

"Yeah, I had to wait until I got to Hogwarts to magically make it better. Oops...Sirius you didn't know that did you? Um..nevermind. It was done by accident," Harry said.

"I'm sure it was," Snape said sarcastically. The boy's uncle was truly a monster. He took out his wand and magically checked Harry's brain for any swelling. He fixed up all the damage. Harry would be coming to his senses in a little bit. "Okay, Harry, how about you get some rest?"

"Professor Snape? Am I at Hogwarts?" he asked slowly coming back.

"No, you're at my home, remember? Hold on a second." Snape quickly called a house elf and asked it to bring chocolate. When the elf returned he broke off a piece and gave it to Harry to eat.

Harry stared at the food a second before he gobbled it up. "Professor Snape, what happened? I thought we were flying."

"You were and then you so brilliantly ran into a tree," Snape reminded him.

"Oh...and then what happened?"

"That only happened about five minutes ago. All that happened since then was me healing you," he said, leaving out the bit about Harry's delirium. It would bring up too many questions and he didn't want it to lead to Harry ever figuring out he took advantage of that situation.

"Oh I...Merlin," Harry said having the memories of all that happened. "I remember," Harry said and laid his head back on the couch.

"What, precisely, do you remember?" he asked warily.

"Everything," Harry groaned. "You...you..."

"Yes?" Snape asked. Even if Harry could remember what happened, he was sure he could pass if off as nothing. It wasn't as if he'd directly asked the boy what he thought of him.

"I would have told you if I didn't want to be here. I...I can't believe I thought you were Sirius," Harry said.

"You were delirious. People think weird things when that happens," Snape said awkwardly.

Harry didn't know what to say.” I uh...I." Harry started feeling he had to explain things.

"I'm sorry, once again, about your godfather. What about Lupin though? Have you talked to him since it happened?" Snape asked curiously.

"No..." Harry said darkly. "I don't want to talk to him." Harry's hand began to shake again.

"Why not?" Snape asked, surprised at Harry's tone and his answer.

"Because I don't," Harry said. His hands were shaking more.

"Did he do something to make you feel this way about him?" Snape asked, clueless as to why Harry seemed so passionately against the man who had once been his favorite teacher.

"Yes! Of course he did something!" Harry said jumping out of his seat and once again pacing with shaking hands. "He...he...he...HE HELD ME BACK! I could have gone after him if it weren't for Lupin!" Tears were coming out of his eyes. "I can't believe that bastard. Stupid werewolf. What’s wrong with him?" Harry yelled.

"Of course he held you back!" Snape said incredulously. "There was nothing you could have done. You would have died if you had dived in there after him!"

"SO WHAT? I WOULD HAVE SAVED HIM AND HE WOULDN’T BE DEAD!" Harry suddenly stopped yelling. He was sick of how he felt. He wanted to stop shaking. "Professor, I NEED IT!"

"No, Harry, you don't need it," Snape said firmly. "And there was nothing you could have done for your godfather. I've seen the situation played out through our Occlumency sessions, and there was nothing you could have done."

"I need it now!" Harry warned.

"You can't have it, I'm sorry, Harry. This is perfectly normal for you to feel like this, but you need to resist it, okay? You're strong. You can do it. The craving will pass," Snape said.

"Professor I need it! You don't understand it. I have to have it!"

"I do understand that you feel that way, Harry, but I can't let you have it. That's part of the whole deal and I'd be letting you down if I gave it to you. This craving will pass; you just need to make it through it."

"No! UGH! I NEED IT! I need it!" Harry sobbed. He could feel his magic bubbling. His hands were shaking terribly and his head hurt.

"Harry, you can do it, you just need to get through this and it will pass. For every one you get through it, the next one will be a little better," Snape said, a little worried at the desperation written all over Harry's face.

I can do it. I can do it. Harry tried to keep in his emotions. He felt like he would explode if he didn’t get Skillith that second. Harry closed his eyes and tried to get in control when without meaning to; out of Harry’s fingertips there came a big yellow explosion.

Snape saw a flash of yellow before everything turned black.

The reins of the explosion dispersed and Harry realized what happened. Snape was knocked out on the floor and everything on the shelves and tables were knocked onto the floor. This was his chance. He ran upstairs and went into Snape’s room. The only place he hadn’t checked was the locked closet. He rammed into it three times. Everything was happening so fast that the only thing he was thinking about was getting the skillith, and if he could the alcohol. He finally got the door open and buried behind blankets and shelves of potions he found the bag of skillth. He poured it out into his pockets taking every last bit and then found a notebook next to Snape’s bed. He ripped a piece of paper out and rolled it up with the skillith inside and got the lighter from the bottom of the skillith bag, lit it quickly, and took a deep breath of it. He locked himself in the bathroom and waited for the drug’s side effects to take place. He became relaxed immediately. He then started to hallucinate but was used to it by now.

Snape groggily came to his senses, trying to remember what had happened. He looked around the room. It was completely trashed. He suddenly remembered Harry's magic exploding and jumped to his feet, searching frantically for the boy. When he couldn't find him, he quickly raced to Harry's bedroom and then to the bathroom. The door was locked, so he cast a quick "Alohomora" and opened the door.

Since the Skillith was a magical substance he was brought about a foot up off the ground. Big bubbles, different colors started to float around Harry. He reached out and popped one, and then another. He didn't notice Snape was had come in the door. He popped another bubble and a wave of pleasure filled him.

Snape watched Harry as he giggled and poked at the air. He shook his head in disappointment and entered, kneeling down by the boy. "Harry?" he called, snapping his fingers in front of the boy's face.

Harry looked at Snape a purple bubble wrapped around him. He popped it and laughed again. "Snapey!" Harry said in a drug induced daze.

Snape frowned at him and pushed his hand away as the boy was poking at some imaginary thing in front of him. "Harry, where's the rest of the Skillith?" he asked dejectedly.

"Oh, you want some?" Harry asked in a strange giggle. Snape grabbed the skillith out of Harry's hand. That meant Harry couldn't take another puff. He popped another bubble and screamed in pain. It always hurt so badly when he didn't have more.

Snape immediately took the powdered drug and dumped it into the toilet, flushing it down and throwing the empty bag away angrily. He looked at Harry when the boy screamed and figured it must be part of a hallucination. He knelt back in front of the boy and snapped in front of his face to get his attention. "Harry, come with me," he instructed. He stood up and held out his hand to help the boy up.

Harry followed him popping the yellow bubbles on the way then giggling. Whenever he popped a red bubble he screamed in pain. He suddenly threw up right where he was.

Snape shook his head once again and called a house elf to please clean up the mess. He grabbed Harry's wrist and pulled him along.

Harry skipped along feeling the effects of the drug start to fade. He felt dizzy but he followed the professor who was floating in a bubble anyway.

Snape led Harry to his room and sat him on the bed the boy had slept on the previous night. The only thing he could do was wait until Harry came down from his high, and even then, he had no idea what he was going to do.

Harry collapsed back on the bed and looked at the pretty bubbles. He didn't have the strength to pop anymore. He just stared at the bubbles. Slowly his normal conscious state came back. Shit...he had taken the drug. Snape would be pissed. As the bubbles faded Harry looked around the room to see Snape sitting on the foot of the bed. Harry stared at him blankly.

Snape looked up at the boy's blank stare, wondering if he was still high or not.

"Oh...oh my gods," Harry whispered and laid back on the bed in shame. Terrible, terrible shame.

"Are you proud of yourself?" Snape asked coldly.

"I...I...oh my god," Harry got up and went to the bathroom. He turned on the sink and ran cold water. He put his hand under the faucet and splashed his face with the cool water. He leaned on the sink and stared into the mirror in disgust and helplessness.

Snape leaned against the doorframe of the bathroom, studying Harry coolly. "I destroyed the drugs. I'm going to have the house elves get rid of any alcohol in the house and I've already destroyed the cigarettes," he informed him with a frown.

Harry looked at Snape with dead eyes. He didn't know what to say. How could he? How could he after Snape trusted him!

Snape checked his watch. "It's lunch time."

Harry nodded with his head down and followed Snape out of the bathroom and to the dining room. He sat down in any random seat and kept his head down.

"I can't say I'm not disappointed in what you did, but at least it can't happen again. I should have destroyed it earlier," he said in a cut tone, not looking at Harry.

"I...I...I can't believe it. I don't know what happened. I just...I don't know. I'm sorry," Harry said and put his head down on the table.

Snape looked at him and sighed. "It's all right. I didn't realize you were so strongly addicted. I just hope that from now on you let me help you through the withdrawals rather than running off for an easy fix, not that there are any in this house, but we need to get it under control before you get back to Hogwarts where there will be more temptation and availability of quick fixes, understand?"

"I understand," Harry said and he picked up his head to look at Snape. "I'm so sorry," Harry whispered. "I don't know what happened. It was like it wasn't even me in control. I wanted it and...and I would do anything to get it. I don't know what happened. I can't believe you saw me like that. I can't believe it," Harry repeated.

Snape's anger quickly disappeared and was replaced with sympathy. "It's okay. It's a strong addiction and it's going to take a lot of work to fix it. And I'm prepared for the ugly parts of this, so don't be so worried about how I see you. Nobody else will see you like that if we can get control over this."

"Professor, how...how long is this going to take? I mean, we go back to school in three weeks..."

"Well, it'll probably take a little bit over a month, which means that you'll be in Hogwarts for the tail end of it, but so will I. If we start doing this now, it shouldn't be as bad by the time you get there, you'll just have to make sure you don't fall back on it or everything we worked for will be gone"

Like I did today?" Harry asked in deep shame.

"Exactly! But hopefully by the time you have to go back to Hogwarts, we'll have it a bit more under control," Snape said, hoping it was true.

"What happened when I was err...drugged anyway?" Harry asked as food appeared on the table. There were sandwiches.

"You acted like a drooling idiot, basically," Snape said harshly.

"Oh..." Harry said and bit fiercely into his sandwich.

"Yeah, it's not a pretty sight and I'm sure you wouldn't want your friends to see you like that," Snape said, cutting his sandwich into small pieces so he could eat it with a fork.

"Actually they have once..." Harry admitted. "Ron thought I was drunk..."

"Well, I can assure you that you do not want them seeing you like that again if you want to hold their respect," he said. "And, by the way, you will be punished for going back on your promise," Snape said matter-of-factly.

"Oh..." Harry said almost as if he expected it. "Um...what is my punishment?"

"Well, you basically destroyed the living room and your room and my closet, so I'd say cleaning it all back up is fair, and fixing my closet door. All without your wand, of course."

"That's fair," Harry said still feeling deeply depressed. He wanted a drink, cigarette, something! But he couldn't say that to Snape. What would he think of him? He had just gotten high off of a terrible drug.

"You can start after lunch," he said. "By the way, I want you to come to me if you start feeling the cravings again, alright?"

"Cravings for what?" Harry found himself asking.

"Skillith, cigarettes, alcohol, anything bad for you," Snape listed, suspicious of the questions

"Oh well, then...I am now..." Harry said and took another bite of his BLT.

"For anything specific or just something in general?" Snape asked calmly.

"Not skillith," Harry stated darkly.

"So, cigarettes? Alcohol? Both?" he prompted

Harry nodded.

"I'll be right back, don't go anywhere," Snape said, disappearing into the kitchen.