Chapter 37

Valediction

xxx

"There is no apology for this."

Holding Harry back against the wall, clenching his shoulders in what he knew was a painful grip, it took Severus a moment to realise what he had done… and another moment to realize why it felt so wrong.

The scary part was that for a moment, it hadn't seemed wrong at all... perhaps because so many similar scenes had played out between him and his father earlier in his life.

This realization did not alleviate Severus' anger, however. If anything, it magnified it. He was angry with Harry for what he had said, and angry at himself for allowing himself to be pushed so far over the edge.

Not trusting himself, Severus forced himself to remove his hands from Harry and took a step back. He didn't have to look down at his hands to know he was shaking, because he was still struggling to contain his fury, and the fact that such irrepressible rage had manifested scared him more than anything. Harry's eyes were trained on him, his expression betrayed, vulnerable, and yet, infuriatingly defiant, causing another surge of rage in Severus.

"Go to your room," Severus barked, struggling to control his volume. He had to remove the boy from his sight, before anything else happened. "I don't want to see you again. Not today."

"Dad-"

Another flare of pain crossed Harry's face as he said this, and the image of Harry crying this word out before Severus' fist connected with his jaw flashed through Severus' mind. "Don't!" Severus snapped, stepping back again. "Just… go!"

He watched as the boy lowered his head, clearly stung, and didn't move. Another upwelling of severe irritation, and Severus knew he could take no more. "Go!" he barked again, unable to let himself walk away before seeing Harry obey him, yet worried that if one of them did not leave, he would make things far worse.

Harry turned and ran down the hall, leaving Severus standing there, battling with the torrent of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. As he watched Harry flee, his rage ebbed away into an acute sensation of loss; something akin to grief. His eyes widened as he realized the magnitude of this situation; he raised his hand and ran it down his face, shaking his head. How could he have lost control so quickly? How could he have thrown away all the trust Harry had built up in him over something as meaningless as a few offensive remarks made in the heat of a teenage temper-tantrum? The boy had undoubtedly crossed the line, yes… but Severus could remember being a child, and feeling that there was no offence that deserved abuse from a parent. He hadn't severely hurt Harry… but he was on that path, if he did not fix this.

How could he have allowed his temper to escalate so severely? Even if only for a moment, he knew exactly whose example he'd been following when he'd thrown his son against the wall.

It took a moment for the rage and sorrow to give way to shock, and for that shock to wear off and morph into something resembling intense self-hatred. Severus heard Harry's heavy breathing down the hall; the boy had only turned the corner. However, Severus could not bring himself to go down there and continue the feud, so rather than going to him, he turned and stalked to his room. He reached it quickly, and jerked the door open, stepping inside and slamming it behind him.

Once inside, it took him a moment to regain his senses. He brought both hands up to his head and fisted them in his own hair, and stalked across the room to his window. He brought his hands down to rest on the windowsill, and looked out over his gloomy gardens. Shoulders hunched, he dropped his head, and stood there, simply breathing and concentrating on the rising and falling of his chest. Years as a Death Eater and double agent had taught him that anger and self-repudiation did little for one's functioning skills. He would get nothing solved if he did not at least calm down. He knew the feelings would return periodically throughout the day, and maybe even the week, but he had to decide what to do, and quickly. He had seen the anger in Harry's eyes; the boy was likely to do something rash.

Several minutes later, the slamming of Harry's door shook him from his meditative state. He turned his head to look at the door leading to Harry's room, and instantly locked it from where he stood, just in case. He couldn't face Harry right now, for fear that either his feelings of guilt or rage would overtake him completely.

Watching the door for a moment and listening intently for loud crashes or other noises in the next room, he wondered just how far Harry felt he had taken it. Perhaps growing up with those relatives of his… perhaps he thought very little of this sort of thing. Perhaps this was forgivable.

As soon as the possibility of forgiveness entered Severus' mind, it instantly retreated. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. The fact that Harry had been abused before only made what Severus had done ten times worse. He had hurt a child who had already experienced pain at the hands of the adults in charge of him. He'd asked for Harry's trust only to cast it carelessly aside almost as soon as the boy had given it away. He could only imagine what sort of psychological damage this was doing.

The fact also existed that even if he was forgiven, he couldn't promise that this wouldn't happen again. As much as he would have liked to, Severus could no longer guarantee that Harry was safe with him. He had obviously never thought he would lose control like that, or he would not have asked Harry to come stay with him for the holidays.

Severus cringed at this thought. He had promised that he would control his temper! He had made a promise to his son that he would try, even at the beginning! He had made a promise to himself that he would never act in any way resembling his father… and here he stood, still shaking from his violent encounter with his son. His son, who was sitting in the next room, who had probably placed silencing charms on his room to ensure that Severus could not hear him… was he crying? Was he throwing his belongings about in a fit of rage?

Was he packing his trunk?

Was he sitting, huddled up in the corner, watching his door intently and listening for footsteps, as Severus had done so many times as a boy?

Severus sincerely hoped not.

Was he calling someone for help? Did he feel unsafe now? Severus had seen the betrayal on his face. He had seen it there, as plain and obvious as the daylight breaking after night. In fact, he could see it now; he could remember every look in Harry's eyes, and it struck him somewhere deep. It felt like a blow to the chest; perhaps the same way Harry had felt when he'd been thrown up against that wall.

Severus could only be thankful that he hadn't actually taken a swing at the boy, but could he guarantee that he wouldn't in the future? He had never expected this to happen. How was he to know that something worse wouldn't eventually occur?

Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe everyone who thought Harry wasn't safe with him had been right.

Not only was Severus a danger to himself, he was a danger to everyone around him, and that now included Harry. He had hurt his wife, and now their child. Whereas his son had a saving-people thing, Severus clearly had a hurting-people thing. This was an unfortunate combination between the two of them, especially considering they shared so many other traits.

He cared for Harry, of that he was certain. He wouldn't be having these stabbing pains in his chest if it weren't for that fact, and he would still be violently angry, not sick to his stomach and weary. Not mortified at his actions. Not penitent.

Therefore, he had to do what was best for the boy… he had to contact Albus Dumbledore.

xxx

If Harry's probable hatred of him and his own feelings of shame and disgust hadn't been bad enough, Dumbledore's disappointment in him surely topped it all. He hadn't seen the man look so stricken in quite some time, and he hadn't been spoken to so coldly since long before he'd joined the Order.

His saving grace was that he was willing to make a sacrifice to do what was best for Harry. His confession had been his only absolution. He had explained himself well, he had thought. He had tried, he truly had; but Albus and Lily had been right, after all. He wasn't father material. He wasn't husband material. He wasn't anything to anyone, really. It was disheartening, but he would get used to the notion again. He had done it before, he could do it again. He had to; this was obviously the only good thing he could do for his son.

A night's rest, which had been intended to allow the two time to reign in their tempers, had done little good on Severus' end. If anything, he was feeling more awful when he woke up the next morning. He took the long way to Harry's room, simply because it gave him more time to mentally prepare himself. The boy would probably be relieved… and he knew that if he did not prime himself for this, it would surely break him.

Severus reached the door in less time than he had hoped for, and knocked reservedly. No answer came.

"Harry, I need to speak with you," he called through the door. "I know you're in there."

Inside, Harry looked over his shoulder at the door, features drawn into an expression of worry and contemplation. He didn't want to face his father right now; he wasn't sure when he would. The man had been positively irate the previous night; it was hardly possible that he had simply calmed down while he slept. If there was one thing he knew about Severus, it was that no one could hold a candle to his ability to hold a grudge. He doubted very much that Severus had forgiven him for what he had said, or had any remorse over how he had treated Harry.

Harry turned his head back to the window, relaxing his facial features and trying to remain calm, in case Severus decided to intrude. He masked the bitter anger, the betrayal, and the apprehension. He couldn't betray what he was feeling; the sheer vulnerability that would result was more than Harry could handle.

"Harry, you can open this door, or I will open it myself," Severus said evenly, hoping the boy didn't know many good locking charms. He really did not want to have to deconstruct any barriers at the moment.

Still, no answer came. Severus sighed resignedly, and pulled out his wand. A simple unlocking charm did it; the door swung open easily.

Harry was sitting on his bed, staring out the window with his back to the door.

"Harry?" Severus questioned, stepping into the room.

There was silence for several moments. Severus stood, staring at his son's back, and Harry refused to move even a muscle. His shoulders barely even heaved with his inhalation and exhalation; Severus got the impression that he was still feeling rather shocked, and more than a little depressed.

When Harry finally spoke, his voice was extremely hoarse. Whether from crying or yelling, Severus could not tell. "I have bruises," he said flatly, refusing to look at Severus.

Severus instantly recoiled, wincing and closing his eyes against the stinging sensation that suddenly occurred. He wanted to go to him, apologize over and over again… but he could not do that. He could not beg for forgiveness which he did not deserve, and his pride was too great to debase himself before his son.

"I never intended it to go so far," Severus said after a moment.

"Yeah, neither did I," Harry said in the same monotonous tone. "But that doesn't really excuse my actions, either."

"You were out of line," Severus conceded. "However, I am not here to make excuses. Surely you realize that?"

"Whatever you say, Severus," Harry said tiredly. He was really too bitter to sit there and allow Severus to apologize. He wasn't ready to forgive him, and he wanted the man to realize that he was still angry without having to take the risk of unleashing his anger to get that point across. He was… tired of caring. He didn't want to work at this anymore. It shouldn't have been so difficult.

Severus recognized that tone of voice. It was that of a person who was admitting defeat. "You do deserve better than this, Harry."

For the first time, Harry turned his head, glaring at Severus over his shoulder. "Says who? Even the people who care the most for me can't give me better. It seems if I deserved it, it would be made possible."

"I intend to make it possible."

"Oh, like you did before?"

"No, quite differently," Severus said as stoically as possible, bracing himself and coming around to stand at the foot of the bed.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I spoke with Albus."

"You told him about this?"

Swallowing some of his pride, Severus admitted, "I didn't know what else to do. I simply… I want what is best for you, Harry."

The flat tone of voice which with he spoke was not very convincing, this he knew, but he couldn't quite conjure the emotion which he knew ought to accompany such words. It was not in his nature to do so.

"Which is?"

"Clearly, not me."

"Meaning?"

"Albus has agreed to let you stay at his home with Lupin and him for the remainder of the holiday," Severus said, not quite meeting Harry's eyes. "I'm sure you will find your time with them rather more enjoyable than here with me."

With an upturned lip, Harry looked at Severus with an expression rivaling disgust. "So you're giving up, then?"

"I wouldn't expect you to understand the complexity of-"

"I'm the one who got thrown up against a wall, Severus! If anyone here understands how that's affected me, I think it would be me."

"You did not grow up the way I did!" Severus retaliated, rounding angrily on Harry. How dare the boy suggest he did not understand the effects of growing up with such a person as himself?

"You are not your father!" Harry cried, shooting up from his bed. Not for the first time, Severus was reminded strongly of Lily. It both amazed and horrified him, considering what they had gone through together. "The only reason you keep behaving like him is because you believe it's inevitable!"

"Did you learn nothing from last night, you foolish child? Do I seem like the type of man you ought to live with?"

Harry opened his mouth wide as if to retort nastily, but seemingly thought better of it at the last moment. He stared at Severus for a moment, before finally throwing his hands up in defeat. "Fine," he snapped. "Send me away. If that's the way you want it, I'm not going to stop you. I'm not even sure I care anymore. If you really want me gone that badly… you could have just said so in the first place, without going through last night's whole ordeal."

"That is not what last night was about, and you know it."

"Whatever," Harry said dispassionately, moving across the room and beginning to pull his things out of his drawers, throwing them into a pile in the center of the room.

"Harry, you know I would not send you away," Severus said with a touch of irritation to his voice. "I have told you I enjoy your company."

"Then why are you doing this?"

Severus folded his hands in front of him, and said with some indifference, "I believe you should have the choice."

"The choice?" Harry repeated blankly, raising his eyebrows. Somewhere inside, he had the idea that Severus would not even offer if this was not what he wanted; for Harry to leave. He was a Slytherin, after all. He wouldn't do this if it weren't for his advantage. He didn't like having the stress of handling a difficult teen, and now that they were away from school, he had realized what he had taken on. Just as Harry had predicted he would.

"Albus has informed me that someone will be here to gather you within the hour," Severus said. "I am sorry for such short notice, but I rather assumed you would be more enthused about leaving. If you decide to stay… I'll be around the house."

Severus turned to leave, and stopped at the door. "I really do regret this not having worked… I suppose, considering our background, it was unavoidable. I should apologize for my lack of foresight… and self-control. I truly hope you do not inherit such traits."

Harry did not turn around at this, nor did he say anything before Severus left. Was that his idea of an apology, or simply another push to get Harry out the door?

Well, if that was what Severus wanted, then that was what Harry would give him. He would not inflict his presence upon the man any longer.

As angry as Severus contacting Dumbledore made him, he had to admit that perhaps it was for the best. He had been surprised with himself, as well, the previous night.

He wasn't doing Severus any good by being here, and Severus wasn't doing him much, either. It would be awkward when they got back to school, granted, but it was best that they ended this charade now, before things got out of hand.

But had it been a charade? Harry had developed a certain fondness for the man over time; that much was certain, and he didn't think Severus was the type to feign caring for him. It wasn't logical.

Harry looked around his room. He would be sorry to say goodbye to it. Even if he'd only spent two days in it, it had been a nice place to stay. Luckily, he hadn't had much time to spend thinking about the future he would have staying in this room, or the house.

It was best not to think of that now.

Harry sighed. In all likelihood, Severus was right; he needed to leave. Severus wasn't his father, (at least, from what Harry could tell. He didn't know much about Severus' childhood, but he knew Severus' father had been awful,) but maybe his behaviour the previous night had been a sign that Harry needed to leave.

Still, this felt like capitulation. They had tried so hard… they had both promised that this wouldn't happen. Was Harry ready to leave behind everything he had developed with Severus because of one incident? He was a risk taker, and perhaps it was going against the laws of his nature to give up now. Perhaps he needed to take the chance.

If it had been as simple as what Harry wanted, he knew what choice he would make. He would stay. He would try again. He would apologize for his actions and hope that his father welcomed him with open arms… but then, this was Snape. Professor Snape. Was he the sort of man to graciously take him back with a simple apology? Did he even want Harry around anymore?

Pondering this, Harry moved his trunk out from the corner of the room and began tossing his crumpled up clothes into it. Gradually, his tosses became more and more forceful, until he was throwing them in with such fury that he could hear the thump of each article piling onto the next. Soon after that, the furious throwing of various items had nothing to do with packing, so much as finding some outlet for this emotion. His throat was tightening, and his eyes watering. Why had this happened? Why had it come to this?

Finishing his packing, purposely leaving his room in an uproarious state, and flinging the top of his trunk shut, he stared at it for a moment and then flung himself onto his bed. He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged at the back of his head. How could Severus ask him to make this decision? It wasn't fair.

Harry was not sure how long he lied on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his hair gripped in his hands, but it wasn't long before he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. He sat up and stared at the door. Those weren't the widely spaced footsteps of his father; those were the even, light footsteps of another familiar person.

It took Harry a few moments to register what this meant. One, Severus was not with him, from the sound of it. He obviously didn't want to see Harry before he left… well, that was just fine. Two… this meant he was leaving.

Harry slowly slid off his bed and went to his trunk, jadedly clasping it shut and reducing its size so that it would be easier to carry.

"Harry?" Harry instantly recognized Lupin's voice drifting in through the crack in the door. The sound both soothed and shocked him to his senses. It was comforting to hear the voice of an old, understanding friend- yet under the circumstances, it was almost more discomfiting than calming. He straightened, waiting for him to come in. He could not seem to make his voice work, so he hoped that Lupin would take the liberty to simply enter.

"Harry?" Lupin questioned again, stepping inside. Harry turned and opened his mouth to say something, but all he could manage was an awkward squeak and a shift of the eyes. Now that reality was hitting him… well, the short while ago when Severus had told him the Headmaster was sending someone to pick him up, it had seemed surreal. Almost like an idle threat.

Apparently, Severus had been very serious.

Lupin watched Harry for a moment, and then made a sympathetic, throaty murmur of sorts and moved towards him, enveloping him in his shabbily robed arms. He rubbed the boy's back, saying, "I'm sorry things had to turn out this way, Harry."

Though Harry leaned into the comforting embrace, some part of his mind wanted to step back and protest. Maybe… maybe… things didn't have to turn out this way. This was really a very drastic solution to a problem which, in retrospect, wasn't so awful. After all, he had endured worse in the past.

Lupin stepped back and examined Harry, and then gave him a soft smile. "Come on," he said gently, giving Harry a benevolent pat on the shoulder and picking up his trunk. "We should go."

Harry nodded numbly and followed Lupin down the hallway, trying to mentally shut out the voice that was screaming at him to stop walking. He was… angry at Severus, right? He had been all morning. The man had overstepped his boundaries.

But then again, just what were those boundaries? Harry frowned at this thought. He had overstepped his boundaries as well. He'd said awful things, he knew. Up until now, he had pushed that fact to the back of his mind, but the truth of the matter was that he could be just as much as fault as Severus was. And he still didn't know how the man felt about this; he had been too angry to allow him to truly apologize.

Harry came to a realization, then. He could not just walk out of this house without speaking to Severus.

Yes, what Severus had done had shown poor judgment. Yes, it had hurt Harry. But was he willing to walk away from all of this simply because his father had trouble containing his rage one time out of the thousands he could have lost it?

It didn't seem right to abandon the man now.

If he stayed, the worst thing that could happen was that Severus could mistreat him again. He had been mistreated in the past; he could survive a few episodes here and there. And unlike his past mistreatments, Severus seemed genuinely sorry for what he had done. No, he had not gushed sentimentalities and begged for forgiveness. Yes, he was making another mistake by sending Harry away, but that could be linked to one thing that Harry knew was true about Severus.

He had avoidance issues. Just as Harry had done to him, he was pushing the boy away. Perhaps in his mind, this seemed like a good idea… but Harry knew different.

At least, he thought he did. And his intuition had never let him down before.

"Professor Snape thought it would be best if you did not have to see him before you left," Lupin said as they approached the entrance hallway, apparently seeing Harry's frantic eyes dart about the house, looking for the man. "You don't have to fear him, Harry. He's not angry with you for leaving… he just wants what is best for you, I'm sure." His voice was subdued and doubtful, as though he was trying very hard to contain what he was bursting to say.

Harry shook his head and opened his mouth, only to be smothered in a second embrace. "It's alright, Harry," the man said into the top of his head. "It's alright."

Lupin pulled back again and opened the door, taking Harry by the elbow and guiding him out.

"Professor," Harry started uneasily, glad to have regained his voice, but sick at the prospect of both leaving and staying. It was a bad situation with only bad choices to be made… but he couldn't live regretting not having stayed.

"Perhaps we should save conversation for Dumbledore's home, Harry," Lupin said stiffly, looking rather wary. He obviously thought Harry was about to go into an angry tirade about Severus, from the way he was surveying the area surrounding them, as though they were being watched.

They were about halfway down the path, now, and Harry craned his neck to look back at the house. "I can't do this," he whispered, trying to shrug off Lupin's grip on his arm.

"Of course you can, Harry," Lupin said soothingly. "We're almost to the end of the path, and then we can apparate."

"No," Harry said, shaking his head and trying to step back. "You don't understand. I can't do this to him. He needs me!"

"For what, Harry?"

"To show him that he's not the monstrosity of a man he thinks he is," Harry said, finally shaking off the older man's grip and turning back towards the house.

Lupin's hand caught his shoulder, and he felt himself being gently tugged back. "Harry, I beg you to give this deeper thought. If this becomes a pattern, can you say your life will be happy?"

"He's been better to me than any of the other adults in my life," Harry replied with an almost pleading quality to his voice. "He cares about me, and I care about him. I can't just ignore that. He deserves the chance."

"Harry," Lupin said more insistently, reaching out and grabbing him by both shoulders. He looked both hurt and distressed, perhaps due in part to Harry's slight on the adults in his life. "You know I can't let you do this. You're confused and caught in a bad situation; you don't know what you want-"

"What I want is to go home," Harry negated, shaking his head and pulling back. He was afraid that he was going to be kept from returning. All he wanted to do was run back to the house, talk to Severus- find out if he really wanted him gone, or if he was just making a poor attempt at nobility.

xxx

Severus watched from his room as Harry followed Lupin down the path from his house. His breathing was quickened, and he was disquieted by the fact that his senses were reacting to Harry's leaving more strongly than he had expected. He felt slightly light-headed, and his throat was throbbing. His hands were shaking for some unknown reason, and he could not find a way to cure these ailments.

He simply told himself, over and over again, that this was the best thing for Harry. He had been given the choice, and this was what he wanted… not that Severus blamed him. Yes, admittedly, every time he'd heard even the faintest noise, some small part of him had hoped that Harry was going to come through the door and tell him that he wanted to stay. Some part of him wanted to go down there and demand that Harry stay.

But he couldn't ask that of the boy. Not when he'd already given him the choice. He wasn't that cruel.

Severus watched for several moments, until something became apparent to him. Harry was trying to come back to the house, and the werewolf was stopping him. He froze for a moment. If he wanted to come back, then that was his choice! That had been the point of this!

He watched Lupin turn his boy around by the shoulders, and he had had enough. If Harry wanted to leave, that was fine- but he would not have the last marauder come and steal him away. It was his son's choice, not Lupin's.

xxx

Harry was not able to get a word in edgewise with the Lupin, who was insistently tugging him along the path, trying to reason with him. "-telling you, it will do you no good to stay-"

"Professor, please-"

"-at the very least, give yourself some time to decide-"

"-you don't understand-"

"Harry, I understand perfectly, but-"

"No!" Harry shouted, wrenching his hand from Lupin's grasp once again. "I can't just leave, I-"

"Harry-"

"I just want to talk to my Dad! I want to stay!"

"Harry," Lupin despairingly said again, placing two gentle hands on the boy and shaking his head. Harry struggled against him. He knew the man had good intentions and that he was simply following instructions to collect him; he knew what he was trying to tell him, but he had to at least find out if he was even wanted here. Harry tried harder to pull away, but Lupin held on with oddly tender strength. "Just come to Dumbledore's home. Give yourself a week's time, and then make your decision. I promise no one will stop you then."

Harry stopped struggling. So no one would force him to leave forever; that was something. Still, he didn't want to leave in the first place. He mumbled something under his breath, and Lupin gave him a questioning look. Knowing he would be questioned anyways, he repeated himself, "But that means I'll miss Christmas here," he said, mentally kicking himself for sounding so young.

Lupin's expression softened into a look of pity that quite perturbed Harry. "Listen- I know this is cruel… I know your whole life has been. Still, this is just another… bump in the road, you could say-"

"More like a gaping hole," Harry muttered, glaring off to the side.

"I understand, but-"

"No!" Harry shouted, throwing his hands down at his sides and stepping back. "You don't understand anything! You just don't get it!" He knew his anger was getting out of hand. He knew he ought to stop here… but he couldn't. Rationality wasn't getting his point across. He knew Lupin had the best intentions, but that didn't mean he could sit there and accept everything he was being told.

It was evident by his expression that Lupin's patience was disappearing. He looked frustrated by Harry's outbursts- and Harry couldn't have cared less. Harry opened his mouth to shout again, and Lupin finally seemed to break. "Do you remember why I had reservations about letting him into your life? Because I knew he would hurt you! I knew it would come to this! You didn't listen to me then, and look where it got you. At least listen to me now."

"No, I want to sta-"

"Harry!" Lupin's tone was an uncharacteristically frustrated bark that seemingly should have been followed by a short tirade, or lecture at the very least. However, Lupin said nothing, and his gaze shifted to the distance behind Harry.

"If the boy wants to stay," Severus' commanding voice declared, punctuating the silence that Lupin's muteness had left, "Then he stays."

Harry whirled around to see Severus striding (surprisingly both indignantly and elegantly, for all the unevenness of the ground) down the path towards Harry and Lupin.

Severus reached them shortly, and looked back and forth between them with a level expression. After a moment he straightened his frock coat and said evenly, "Well, Lupin, I suppose I should congratulate you. You really wasted no time in getting around to slandering me, did you? Well, at least you're on top of things. Glad to see you haven't come into that nasty habit of procrastination. But really, right on my very property? You couldn't have waited until you'd at least passed the gates?"

"If you must know, Severus," Lupin said with equal calmness, meeting the other man's gaze, "I was simply attempting to dissuade Harry from making a ghastly mistake… again. And yes, before you say anything, I do regard coming to live with you as being a ghastly mistake."

Severus opened his mouth to respond, but Harry's quick movement at his side stopped him. He looked down questioningly, and saw a worried look on his son's face. "Please don't argue," Harry said quietly, looking down. "Can we just go back up to the house?"

Severus looked to Lupin, and then back to Harry. The boy looked tired, apprehensive… almost broken. He supposed he had already put the boy through enough… this was not too great request for him to acquiesce to. After a moment of hesitation, he nodded, and was rewarded with the relief that shone on Harry's face. He looked back to Lupin, and stiffly said, "Good day, Lupin."

The other man looked both surprised and slightly irritated by this. He shook his head slightly, as if in awe, and said to Harry, "You're sure this is what you want?"

Harry nodded, but said nothing. No, he wasn't sure, and he knew his uncertainty would show in his voice. However, this was something he had to do. He couldn't simply leave. Not on these terms.

Lupin nodded again; Harry could tell he was unhappy about this decision, but with Severus standing here, he wasn't going to stop him. However, the defiance in the werewolf's expression when he looked to Severus gave warning to the protective feelings fueling him. He took a step forward, closer to Severus, and said quietly, "I will speak to Dumbledore about this. Undoubtedly, he'll feel you should be given a second chance… but I swear it; if you hurt Harry again, I will personally see that there will be hell to pay. He's been through enough. Don't you dare make it worse."

There were a million sharp retorts at the tip of Severus' tongue, and it took every ounce of self control he possessed to hold them in. Still, he was keenly aware of Harry's presence at his side, and he would do as he'd been asked… for Harry, and no one else. Certainly, he could sacrifice the satisfaction it would give him to put Lupin in his place in order to start regaining Harry's trust. "As I said… Good day, Lupin."

The bitterness behind Lupin's carefully controlled expression was almost as satisfying as any retort might have been, Severus found. He was careful to keep the smirk off of his face as he turned away from the other man and started walking up the path to his house. He was aware of the fact that Lupin had not left, but he wasn't about to turn around. To do so would most likely result in a loss of self control… and he'd been doing very well up to this point, he felt.

"Thank you for coming," Harry said very quietly as they approached the doors.

Severus winced, and he shook his head. "Don't thank me," he said, in an equally as soft voice. "I'm a bit surprised you wished to spare your… friend… when you had seemed so angry with him only a few moments ago… but I did nothing deserving of gratitude."

Harry shrugged. "He was just trying to help… but he doesn't know how. I still don't want you two to fight." He paused for a moment as Severus opened the doors and admitted them entrance, and then asked, "How did you guess that I was angry with him?"

"I was watching," Severus admitted, stopping in the middle of the foyer. "From my room… I saw."

"Oh," Harry said, looking down again. Did this mean that perhaps Severus really hadn't wanted him to stay after all? Had he simply been so angered by Lupin that he had intervened? Had he-

"I'm glad you wanted to stay," Severus said quickly, averting his eyes to the other side of the room. He kept his gaze steady with the opposite wall as he continued. "I never intended for you to think I wanted you to leave."

Harry was seized by a sudden surge of warmth at this, but he kept himself from reacting. He couldn't… he just couldn't. There was too much to be discussed to become overjoyed by this information… his bliss could be too easy transformed into despondency.

Harry nodded reservedly, and without quite meeting Severus' eyes, said, "I think there are some things we need to talk about."

Severus never would have thought it possible that he would feel any amount of respect for this boy. In his earlier years, he had always considered him to be the worst sort of child; impertinent, impulsive, negligent of the rules, and wholly committed to defiance. Even as he'd become accustomed to feeling a certain amount of affection towards the boy, even as he had seen the better side of his personality, he rarely felt respect for his son. However, this was one of those rare moments. Harry wasn't ignoring him, nor was he defying him. He wasn't avoiding the problem, and he wasn't overreacting to it… he was being rational, and wisely keeping his guard up. That was not to say that Severus intended to hurt him again… it merely showed good judgment, a principle that Severus could soundly respect.

"I quite agree," Severus found himself saying softly. He felt a bit ridiculous for avoiding looking at the boy's face, but he wasn't sure he could help it. He kept expecting to see that same betrayed expression that had graced his features so frequently in the past few days… and twisted around Lily's eyes, the expression quite reminded him of her reaction to the way he'd treated her all those years ago. It was more than unsettling. It was almost disturbing.

"Maybe the study?" Harry suggested, frowning in thought.

Severus didn't much like the idea of being stuck in that small room to have this conversation. He needed somewhere he could roam, and physically busy himself to ease the disquiet that was likely to settle between them. "Perhaps the grounds," Severus countered, reaching for his cloak.

If the thought of sitting in the study and talking to Severus hadn't seemed depressing enough upon speculation, wandering the grounds which were overladen with various dead plants sounded twice as unappealing. "I'd really rather not go out there," he said, causing Severus to stop mid-reach and look at him. The man was clearly surprised that Harry was objecting… perhaps he was not yet used to it. Harry normally went along with what he said.

With difficulty, Severus returned his hand to his side. Instinctively, he wanted to tell Harry it wasn't his place to decide where they talked… but he supposed he would need to get out of his completely authoritarian mindset if he and Harry were to make this work. Now was not the time to dictate. He had to listen.

Severus sighed. At this moment, he rather wished they were back at Hogwarts. Both of them had become comfortable with his quarters there, and this was still new territory for them. The house was so large, with such varying styles, that it was difficult to make a decision. Finally, Severus nodded and waved for Harry to follow him. They walked through the parlour and into the adjoining room.

"Better?" he asked, once they were in there. Harry nodded and went over to one of the couches, folding himself in half and sinking into it. He was somewhat glad to find that it resembled the couch in Severus' quarters in Hogwarts… the familiarity was comforting.

Severus sighed again and sat down in the chair across from him. He wasn't looking forward to this conversation, and from the look on Harry's face, neither was he.

"How to start?" Harry said quietly, tucking his knees up next to his torso and draping his arm across them.

Severus watched him for a moment. Harry had spoken his mental query. How would they start?

"I'm not willing to say that I overreacted last night," Severus said after a moment. His expression was serious, but not foreboding or reprimanding. He kept his gaze level with the ground. "I was harsh… and I do not believe my conduct was appropriate, but what you said was beyond reproach."

"That's not an excuse," Harry said, eyes hardened. He was willing to admit that he was wrong… but he knew that every time he allowed Severus to justify his behaviour, he would only be kindling the flame.

Severus narrowed his eyes and looked up at Harry. "It's not your place to tell me what is and is not an excuse," he said. As much as he agreed, he could not allow this boy to believe he was in control. Perhaps that sense of security had been what had led to his outburst.

"I know," Harry said simply, looking completely unapologetic. "But… I need you to know that I don't want to go back to my old way of life. I want this to work… but if you think this is okay, then I don't think it's going to. I need you to… I don't know, meet me halfway on this. This isn't about who's right and who's wrong, because really, we are both wrong in this situation."

"You take responsibility for your part in this, then?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrows. Again, Harry was demonstrating more responsibility than he had grown accustomed to him displaying in the last five years.

Harry nodded stiffly. "I do," he said calmly. "But… I'm not sure you do."

Severus exhaled and brought his hand up to massage the bridge of his nose. How could he express to this boy how he regretted his actions, without throwing himself at the teen's feet?

"I am not accustomed to setting store by others' emotions, Harry, by any means," Severus said.

Harry frowned, unsure of what the older man meant. Severus watched his expression and then nodded resignedly, continuing.

"In the past, I have exerted more effort into controlling my own emotions than acting according to those around me. I am normally a man of great self restraint. It is necessary that I keep firm control over my every emotion throughout the course of every day… but you must realize that this makes me painfully aware of what I am feeling when I cannot suppress those emotions. When I feel true pain or rage, I feel it to the fullest extent… and it is not habitual to consider how this affects others. For a long time, I have hardly cared what my fits of pique and violent uproars have done to others- I always knew that the extent of the damage I could cause to those who cared very little for me was limited. I'm afraid it's been quite the adjustment, changing that state of mind. Clearly, I have not yet succeeded in doing so. Last night, when you were shouting at me… not only was it highly disrespectful, a behaviour which I am inclined to react strongly to in the first place, but also… the mention of your mother… it was uncalled for, Harry, and showed very poor judgment."

Harry nodded, glad that Severus was at least making an attempt to explain himself. It made it much easier for him to talk to the man if he knew how he felt.

"I suppose we both felt a bit betrayed last night," Harry said a moment later.

Severus was about to agree when they heard the floo flare from the other room. Dumbledore's unmistakable voice called for Severus, and he looked across the room to Harry.

"You should go see what he wants," Harry said, nodding towards the other room.

"I know what he wants," Severus said, rising. "And I can guess I won't be back any time soon… but we will continue this discussion when I return."

Harry nodded silently, secretly glad for this. It would be nice to have some time alone in the house, to sort out his thoughts and feelings of regret, shame, and distress. Severus' presence made him uneasy, especially with the unbalanced state of his emotions. He needed some time to wind down and digest what he and Severus had spoken about thus far.

From the doorway, Severus watched Harry for a moment. He was still unsure how they would repair this tear to the delicate armour holding their relationship together. Still, it was progress that they were able to talk it over… it was more than he'd ever been able to do as a child, and he was sure this was a good sign.

Dumbledore's insistent voice beckoned again, and Severus regretfully moved from the doorway. Not only was he irritated by the interruption (after all, he felt that he and Harry had been having a meaningful, albeit uncomfortable, discussion), but also, he was worried about what Albus would have to say to him. He knew he could not be forced to leave Harry in Albus' care, but the Headmaster certainly knew how to put a person to shame. He'd already explained himself to Dumbledore once, and he really didn't want to have to go through this all over again. The man had been fairly lenient when he'd known Severus was ready to release the boy to his care… but how would he react to this new development? If he wanted Harry out of there, Severus knew he would do everything he could to make that happen.

"Headmaster," Severus soberly greeted the head in his fireplace as he stepped into the room.

"I think you and I need to talk, Severus," Dumbledore said, tilting his chin forward and frowning up at Severus.

"I thought you might say that," Severus said tiredly, stepping forward. "Well, move back, I'm coming through."

Dumbledore tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows as if to say, there's no need to be rude, but said nothing. After a moment, his face had disappeared from the fireplace. Bracing himself, Severus stepped into the illuminated fireplace.

When Severus' arrived in Dumbledore's home, he was not surprised to see Lupin standing not far behind the older man. "Don't you think we could have this discussion without him?" Severus asked, irritably jerking his head towards Lupin.

Dumbledore gave Severus a vaguely irritated expression. "Severus, please, be civil. Remus is just as involved in this as you and I are-"

"Only because you made it so," Severus reminded him through clenched teeth, set on edge by the positively poisonous glares Lupin was directing his way. What right did this man have to act like the protector of his child?

"I should remind you that it was you who created the circumstances which made my involvement necessary," Lupin said evenly, visibly forcing himself to relax his face into a more calm expression to match his voice.

"Your involvement is never necessary, Lupin, you just pretend it is to make yourself feel important. Just like Black was in the days before his death- searching recklessly for some sort of purpose. I would advise caution- you would not want to contribute to some sort of pattern-"

"Are you threatening me?"

Severus dropped his jaw in mock offence. "I would never."

"Severus, Remus!" Dumbledore sharply reprimanded the two of them, staring furiously at each in turn. "How are we to discuss the issue of the child if you are both acting like children yourselves?"

While Severus glowered crossly at both Lupin and Dumbledore, Lupin set his jaw and said with strained composure, "You're absolutely right, Headmaster."

Severus wanted to roll his eyes. Of course, Lupin was going to act like the golden child… ahem, adult, and make Severus out to be the worst of the two. Well, Severus would have none of that. "My apologies, Headmaster," he said, suppressing his infuriation with Lupin. "We were out of line."

"Quite," Dumbledore conceded, nodding. "Now, can we perhaps discuss this as gentlemen?"

"I'm perfectly amenable to that," Severus said coolly. "You might want to inquire the same of Lupin. He seems a bit irascible today, if you ask me. Must be his time of the month," he added as an afterthought, inwardly smirking.

"Severus, really-" Lupin started irritably. Severus put his hands up and shook his head.

"I was merely referring to your little lycanthropy problem," Severus said mildly, raising his eyebrows into an expression of clearly feigned innocence.

"We are not here to discuss Remus, are we, Severus?"

"No," Severus admitted, folding his arms and sighing. He sincerely wished in this moment that Lupin was not present. It was the only thing hindering him from having a real discussion with the Headmaster.

Dumbledore studied Severus for a moment, and then, as though he had read Severus' mind, turned to Lupin. "Perhaps Severus and I should speak first," he said decisively.

"Headmaster, I really think-"

"Remus, please," Dumbledore said gently, gesturing towards the door.

"Honestly, arguing with the Headmaster," Severus chided quietly, shaking his head. "And when he allows you to stay in his home, unsupervised, because you have no where else to go…" Severus shook his head.

Lupin snapped his mouth firmly closed, choosing not to respond directly to Severus. He looked at Dumbledore and shook his head slowly. "This is the man you choose to send Harry to? I certainly hope the boy is not put through the same constant ridicule the rest of us face in Severus' presence."

"Of course not, Lupin. The abuse is merely physical," Severus sneered, eyes flickering to the ceiling.

"Is that a confession?" Dumbledore asked smoothly, turning around and aiming a gaze at Severus that told him he was quite finished with his behaviour. "You are hardly in a position to be flippant, Severus. Consider that few people are pleased with you at the moment. If I were you, I would maintain as agreeable a demeanor as possible, for you are the one at a disadvantage. Pointing out Remus' supposed flaws will do nothing to make us forget yours."

Severus set his jaw and aimed his gaze downward. Not only was he effectively chastised by the Headmaster, but also, it was almost degrading to have all of this said to him in front of Lupin. Severus bit back any reply he came up with; Dumbledore was one person whose authority and intellect he knew he should not undermine. Any retort would be met with an equally as cutting, though more noble, rejoinder.

Dumbledore allowed his words to sink in for a moment, satisfied with the stifling silence that fell over the room. Severus' lack of rebuttal indicated that the reprimand had penetrated his thick skull.

"Headmaster-"

"Remus," Dumbledore interrupted tiredly, holding up a withered hand, "Please. Give the two of us some privacy."

Despite the reluctance in Lupin's expression, he wisely said nothing more. He nodded silently and turned to leave, avoiding eye contact with the object of his current ire.

"I'm surprised you've managed any parenting at all, Severus," Dumbledore uttered, turning around slowly to face him. "Your behaviour resembles a child more closely than it does a responsible adult."

"My apologies, Headmaster," Severus said tightly. He disliked apologies, but had learned long ago that where Dumbledore was concerned, it was best to offer them before they were torn from you. "You know I have a weakness where any of Potter's comrades are concerned."

"Which Potter?" Dumbledore asked, lifting his chin and waiting for Severus' answer.

"Senior, of course," Severus said restrainedly, forcing his short temper to abandon him. It would not do to lose control now, when he had already come dangerously close to doing so in the Headmaster's eyes.

"Oh," Dumbledore said mildly, raising his eyebrows and glancing downward. "I only ask because you apparently have a weakness where your son's friends are concerned, as well."

Severus narrowed his eyes, but said nothing. He had not failed to notice Dumbledore's subtle use of the word 'son'… this was a good sign. It was a small sign, granted, but good nonetheless. "Miss Weasley was terribly out of line-"

"She has a temper, yes, but I doubt she was anywhere near terrible. And if I am not mistaken, that was never a quality that you hated when you were younger-"

"Can we please stop drawing similarities between Miss Weasley and my former wife? It almost feels indecent-"

"No one is suggesting that you feel in any way unseemly towards her, Severus," Dumbledore said firmly. "If you did decide to look for another partner, at any cost, I very much doubt you would choose someone so very similar to Lily. You would choose someone with more… variance from her personality, and looks. After all, she can hardly be replaced."

Severus was grinding his teeth inside his mouth to keep from releasing a long string of insults worthy of the Headmaster. "I'm not interested in-"

"No, no, of course not," Dumbledore said mildly, nodding in agreement.

Severus furrowed his eyebrows in suspicion, and asked abruptly, "Why are you stalling?"

"Whatever do you mean, Severus?"

"You know perfectly well what I mean. I am here to speak with you about Harry, not my… dating preferences!"

Dumbledore nodded, no humour in his eyes. "So we are. I was hoping to take your mind off your quarrel with Remus, actually- and I only tell you this because I know that you will figure it out even without my saying as much. I need your mind on this."

"It is."

"Perhaps," Dumbledore said in way of consent, folding his hands in front of him. "Severus… do you love him?"

Shock briefly graced Severus' features, followed by confusion. "Do I- what?"

"It is a very simple question, Severus. Do you love him?"

"It is not a simple question," Severus said slowly, shaking his head. "It is a very complicated question that involves a very complicated answer, taking into account all the different factors of how love is created and what sort of love you mean. It is by no means uninvolved."

"Severus… it is a much simpler concept than you make it seem. Do you care for him? Do you worry about him when he is away? Do you dwell incessantly on whether or not you are making the right choices for him? Has he become a necessity for your happiness?"

Severus wanted to deny every one of these things. He wanted to revile the Headmaster for even daring to suggest them, and claim that he needed no one aside from himself. He wanted to do anything to offset the feelings of vulnerability and gaping openness that the mere suggestions had created in him. However… he did care for Harry. He did worry when the boy was away. He did dwell… almost obsessively so… on the right and wrong choices he could be making while parenting him.

He had become a necessity for his happiness. The sad part of it was that Severus had failed to realize how happy he was, because he regularly denied that such feelings could exist.

"I do," he said quietly, nodding.

"Then you know what you must do," Dumbledore said in an equally quiet voice, stepping forward. "I realize that growing up as you did… this is not easy for you. You have no example to follow. But you must recognize that this does not excuse any sort of abuse; not physical, not verbal, not neglectful. Nothing justifies these acts, especially where your own child is concerned."

"I know that," Severus said.

Dumbledore inclined his head. "Well… prove it."

"And if this isn't the best choice?"

"Severus, do you want to give him up?"

"No…" Severus answered slowly.

"Does Harry want to give up?"

"…No."

"If I wanted you both to give up, would Harry be at your home with you standing in front of me?"

"I suppose not," Severus admitted.

"It was the wrong thing to do, Severus. You know that… and that fact tells me that it will not progress to the level that you fear it will. I will speak with Harry after a few days, when he is beginning to get comfortable again… you both need to work on this."

"You needn't speak with him," Severus said tiredly. "I've already informed him that this is something he needs to work on as well-"

Dumbledore's eyes widened slightly, and he exhaled audibly. "Severus… tell me you didn't indicate that this might have been his fault…"

"Well, he is partially to blame, that's all I really-"

"Severus! You cannot ever tell a child that it is his fault that he's been hurt! Do you have any idea the psychological ramifications that will have? The boy already doubts himself in regards to his relationships with adults; do you really think it will be beneficial for him to start believing that all the failures originate with him?"

"Albus, the boy has matured significantly- surely he will realize that I never meant it was his fault."

"Severus, how old are you?"

"Thirty-seven," Severus answered.

Dumbledore nodded. "Think of the guilt complex you have, even at this age. Maturity has nothing to do with it, Severus."

xxx

Visible from the parlour, Harry was still sitting in the same spot Severus had left him in when he returned. He was leaning on the arm of the couch and staring across the room; he hadn't heard Severus come in through the front door.

Rather than flooing back, Severus had apparated back to his home, hoping that the walk up to the door might give enough time for the numb, deadened feeling he'd acquired to wear off. The impact of Dumbledore's words had been more than significant; it had been harrowing.

Severus stood quietly in the parlour, unable to move towards the next room. Could he say what needed to be said? Would he choke and hurt the boy again because of a moment of indecision and a defensive statement?

He did know what needed to be done. He needed to do as people kept instructing him: to be the adult. He was the one who needed to take responsibility first, instead of attempting to force Harry to be the first one to admit remorse. He needed to fix this. He certainly couldn't expect Harry to do it; that wouldn't be right.

Vexed and distressed, Severus steeled his nerves and made his way to the door of the other room. Harry looked up at him and gave him a half-hearted smile, sending another surge of guilt through Severus. He had been the one to make his smile so melancholy.

"I didn't hear you come in," Harry said.

Severus nodded. "I apparated."

Severus was unsure whether it was his tone of voice or facial expression that alerted Harry to the fact that something was off, but the boy instantly understood. He stopped forcing his smile, and knitted his eyebrows together in anticipatory thought, watching Severus intently.

"I'm sorry," Severus softly said a moment later. Harry's expression changed; he was seemingly shocked that Severus had come right out and said this without any prompting.

Harry's face alone made Severus want to stop and leave it at that. He didn't want to continue on, throwing down his pride and stamping all over it. Still, he knew he must. "I reacted out of anger, and gave in to my rage. I should not have done that… it was irresponsible of me as an adult placed in charge of you… as your father, in whom you should be able to place the ultimate trust. Harry, I thought I could never regret anything as much as what I did to your mother… but I find this competing for a close second. I couldn't stand it if it had gone any further."

Not for the first time that day, but for very different reasons, Harry found himself rendered incapable of speech. He felt rather embarrassed by the wateriness of his eyes, and had to turn his head away for a moment to regain his composure. "Thank you," he said softly, head still turned towards the couch. "That means a lot to me."

Severus simply nodded. Like Harry, he found himself currently unable to speak, though it was more out of embarrassment and an immense feeling of awkwardness that he was unable.

Several minutes passed in which each was content to remain silent. Severus quietly moved to sit in his chair, resting his elbows on its arms and staring at the ground. Harry remained curled up on the couch, head resting against the high rising back and staring straight ahead.

It was awhile before Harry found his voice, and his nerve, to speak again. "Do you really mean that?"

Severus frowned, looking almost offended. "Do you honestly think I would say something like that if it wasn't incontrovertibly true?"

Harry shrugged and looked down. "People say a lot of things…"

"Such as promising to hold their tempers?"

Harry's eyes flicked guiltily up to Severus, and he gave a jerky nod.

Severus couldn't deny that this tugged insistently at his conscience, making him feel positively ashamed. Still, he attempted to keep his face relaxed, and nodded. "Harry, as much as I can say that I'll work on my temper… I can't guarantee that I can keep it in check. I should never have been foolish enough to make such a fallible promise to you. I… I gave you the choice of living with Dumbledore for a reason."

Harry closed his eyes and nodded again. Severus noted his pained expression, and added softly, "Harry, I hope you know that I don't blame you for this."

"Well, I was out of line-"

Severus shook his head, and said firmly, "As mature as you may be, as much weight as you can carry on your shoulders, you are still the child. I acted inappropriately, and nothing excuses that- this is not your fault. I expect better behaviour from you in the future, but by no means does that mean that you are to blame for yesterday's events."

Harry did not verbally reply; he looked oddly relieved, doubtful, and guilty all at once. The mixture did not make for a happy expression, and Severus grimaced at the speculation of what might be running through the boy's mind.

"You realize that staying with me could not be the best choice…"

"No," Harry protested, looking up. The doubt and guilt were instantly replaced by something else: resolve. "This is… this is hard, but not impossible. We can… I'm sure we can find some way to make this work. We just both have to work on our tempers-"

"Harry-"

Harry's mouth opened and shut again, making Severus realized he hadn't been finished. It was a good indication of Harry's effort to be more respectful. Wanting to know what Harry had been about to say, Severus discontinued his sentence and gestured for Harry to continue.

"I'm sort of… glad to know that you don't blame me entirely for what happened…"

"I don't blame you at all."

"Yes, well. I still made a mistake, and I'm going to… try not to do it again. And I am sorry. But unless you ask me to, I'm not leaving. My mother never gave up on you… neither will I."

"Your mother did-"

"No, you gave up on her first. Are you planning to do the same to me?"

Severus closed his eyes in a tight grimace, and shook his head. "No, but-"

"Maybe the problem," Harry offered, "is that you're so convinced within yourself that you're going to fail. You have to realize that you're not your father."

Severus' eyes snapped open again, his gaze accusingly flying to Harry. "Did you hear that in one of those dreams?"

Harry frowned in confusion, doubt and cautiousness beginning to dissolve in the flow of conversation. "No… why?"

Severus relaxed marginally, and admitted tightly, "Because, it's exactly what your mother used to say to me. And it's the second time you've said it today."

"If everyone says it to you," Harry started tentatively, unfolding his legs and sitting forward, "Then why don't you ever listen?"

"Harry, take this into consideration. I've spent my whole life being told…" Severus faltered, and shifted his gaze to the floor again, "…awful things about myself. It's not easy to refute a lifetime worth of criticisms and terrorizing with the lies of those who care for you."

"They aren't lies," Harry said resolutely, folding his arms. It was amazing… he would never have pictured this strong adult as such a tormented individual… not in this sense. It was clear that the ghosts of his past were still haunting him. "When you care about a person, you don't lie to them."

"Dumbledore has lied to you-"

"Dumbledore cares for me and you in a different way. He tries to protect people from the world. You, and I, and probably mum all know that shielding people from the truth is no way to protect them. Have a little faith that none of us would handicap you that way. We care too much to lie."

Severus narrowed his eyes, carefully scrutinizing his son. "You talk about her as if she's still alive."

"Well, from what I'm told, her presence on earth was so strong when she was alive… I don't see how death could just erase her. Do you really think it could?"

A small smile appeared on Severus face, and he shook his head. "No, I suppose not."

A moment passed, and when Severus said nothing else, Harry advised softly, "If you don't start believing it, it's just going to make things worse."

Severus gave him an odd half smile, and asked, "When did you start giving me advice?"

Harry grinned and made a show of checking the nonexistent watch on his wrist. "Oh, I'd say about… ten minutes ago."

Severus nodded, and rose to walk around to where Harry was sitting. He placed a hand on his son's shoulder and gave him a weak smile. "I suppose it's a very good thing that you are your Mother's son… thank you for this, Harry."

The grin present on Harry's face faded into a softened, serious look, and he nodded. "People deserve second chances… and to have others care about them."

Severus nodded his appreciation and removed his hand, while Harry continued. "I can't say I wasn't angry when it happened… I was really angry. But umm… I guess when I was leaving, I realized I couldn't just leave you here. You don't deserve to be abandoned."

"I'm not so sure about that," Severus replied quietly, turning to leave the room.

Harry frowned determinedly and rose from the couch, catching Severus by the arm. "Well, I am."

Severus shook his head. "How can you just forgive people, Harry? What possesses you to do it?"

Harry shrugged. "It's the right thing to do. Listen… I can't say I'm completely over this. I can't say that I don't worry this could happen again… but I'd rather make the best of a bad situation than just give up. I know you didn't do it out of malice… I know it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. And you regret it… that in itself is more than Vernon Dursley ever did."

Severus furrowed his eyebrows, and turned around completely. "Harry, did he ever physically hurt you?"

Harry laughed; a bitter, quiet laugh. "Did you ever really doubt it? Yeah… but most of the time, it was nothing big. He never broke any bones or left any awful bruising… just a few smacks and tosses here and there."

Severus' expression darkened, and Harry could see that vengeance was forming in his mind. "I'm serious, it was nothing that awful," he said hurriedly, shaking his head to emphasize his point. "And what's past is past."

"It's not the past, Harry, if you have to go back there this summer," Severus said in a low growl, turning and walking from the room. Sure that Severus expected him to follow, Harry quickly played the shadow and walked into the next room.

"He's not that stupid," Harry argued, following him. "When he found out about… about Sirius…" Harry choked on the man's name a little. He was normally very good at keeping him off his mind… but mentioning him was still hard. Also, he couldn't help but be afraid that the mention of his dead godfather might set Severus off. He waited a moment, and Severus shot him an irritated look.

"I'm not going to punish you for mentioning Black, so you can continue," he said, gesturing for Harry to do so.

Harry nodded and went on. "He wouldn't so much as yell at me most of the time."

Severus raised his eyebrow in an expression of clear doubt, and Harry amended, "Okay, fine, he still yelled at me a lot. But I got food, and he sure wasn't going to burst into my room and start hitting me or anything-"

"He did that before?" Severus roared, whirling around again.

"No!" Harry quickly denied, throwing his hands out. "No! I- no, he didn't, I was just saying he wasn't going to-"

"Why are you protecting them?" Severus demanded, crossing his arms.

"I'm not," Harry said. "I'm protecting you. I know if you jump to the wrong conclusion you'll go marching down to Surrey, and that's not what I want… because you'll probably end up in Azkaban, and I'll be right back where I started. Is that what you want? It's not what I want."

"Well of course I don't want to go to Azkaban," Severus scoffed. "But I want the truth."

Harry nodded. "I was never heavily abused by Vernon. I may have been manhandled from time to time, and I might have gotten a few good cuffs around the back of the head… but physically, they never tormented me."

"And emotionally?"

Harry shrugged, and then nodded in acknowledgement. "Well… I suppose that's a different story. But you can't exactly press charges with emotional scars as evidence, can you?"

Severus closed his eyes and shook his head. "No… no, you can't."

"Listen, don't worry," Harry said placatingly, receiving a glare from Severus. He knew it was the soothing tone of voice for which he was being scowled at; the man hated to feel like he was being manoeuvred, or worse, pitied. "If they know that you're backing me up now- if they started feeding me just because of Sirius, imagine how they'll treat me when they know it's you!"

"And how would that change anything?"

"Well… remember that visit you paid us during the summer?"

"All too well, yes," Severus said stiffly, eying Harry with suspicion.

"Well... I was thinking you could pay us another one."

Severus could not stop the appreciative, yet dark smile from curling around his thin lips.

Harry quirked an eyebrow at Severus' expression. "I take it you like my idea, then."

Severus gave a low laugh, and inclined his head. "It has its merits," he admitted. Harry smiled and shook his head.

"So… are we still doing, you know, Christmas and everything?" Harry asked a moment later, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Well, who would I be to call off Christmas?" Severus asked, frowning. "Assuming you can stand me for such long amounts of time… we will proceed with our plans."

"I think I can handle it," said Harry, putting on a pensive expression.

"Well, then we will have dinner in several hours," Severus said, secretly glad he hadn't needed to go through the awkwardness of bringing up this topic. Harry had done that for him.

"Okay," Harry agreed, nodding. "But umm… I'm going to go up to my room for awhile, if that's alright…"

"I never meant for you to think me so oppressive," Severus replied, frowning. "Of course, if you want to go up to your room, you can."

"Well, I just… kind of… left a mess, this morning," Harry admitted shamefacedly, flushing brightly. "I thought I should clean it up…"

Severus raised his eyebrows in understanding. "I see," he said, careful not to sound overtly reproving. Truthfully, he wasn't entirely surprised by this bit of information. "Well, if you don't come to find me before dinner, I will knock on your door."

Harry nodded. "Well, I'll probably come to find you anyways… but yeah, if I don't…"

Both nodded, each unknowingly thinking the same thing. If making plans for dinner was awkward, that spoke volumes about what dinner itself would be like. All at once, they were both blatantly aware of the lack of comfortable familiarity that had existed between them. It was still attainable; their reconciliation had made this much clear… but it was equally as obvious that they were going to have to work very hard to become what they had been before.

xxx End Chapter 37 xxx