“Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes

Even if it was just for one day

And wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away

Wouldn't it be good to be on your side

The grass is always greener over there

And wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care

Wouldn't it be good”

Nik Kershaw

After talking to Snape, Harry had gone to his room and grabbed his coat and scarf. Then he headed outside to his favourite spot down by the lake. He breathed in the fresh air and watched birds skimming the water. He quietly thought to himself, ‘Here I am late in the afternoon on New Year's Eve and my life seems overwhelming.'

The last day of the year in which he had lost Sirius. He let himself indulge in a few sweet memories; he saw once again Sirius' thin smiling face, felt his hand on his shoulder and heard his voice. He stared at the lake, letting tears well up and fall unchecked. His final tribute for this year, a silent salute to someone he loved and missed terribly. He winced; when would he ever start feeling better, when would the day come when he wouldn't miss him so much?

Tomorrow it would be a new year. Sirius' death would be said to have happened ‘last year’. He wasn't ready to let go of this year, this link to Sirius. Next year people would start to forget about him. He would be in the past. People would say, ‘get over it, move on,’ yet it still hurt so much. He closed his eyes as more tears flowed and he brought up his hands. He sat like that for a while when he suddenly heard a soft noise and realized that he wasn't alone. He opened his eyes to find Malfoy sitting near him, looking at him apprehensively.

After having talked to Hermione, Draco slowly went to the Slytherin rooms and grabbed a warm cloak. He went down to the lake and saw Potter sitting on some rocks. From a distance he looked to be staring out at the lake but as he got closer Potter put his head into his hands and Draco realized he was crying. He quietly went closer to him and sat down on a rock. Potter must have heard him because suddenly he looked up. His green eyes were blurred with tears.

"Why are you here?" Potter snapped at him angrily.

Draco didn't know how to answer or what to say. He stared out at the lake. "In the Occlumency lesson today there was a fat man, a relative I assume; did he - I mean,  were you…" Draco sighed with frustration, not sure how to ask what he was thinking.

Harry wiped his face. "What you want, Malfoy? Do you want to know if he beat me?" Harry asked with impatience.

Draco looked at him then gave a curt nod.

Harry took a deep breath. He realized his memory must have reminded Malfoy of his own beatings. He slowly shook his head. "No; he was always quick with punishing me but no, he didn't actually beat me. He and my aunt made me live in a cupboard under the stairs for the first ten years of my life; they didn't love me or want me. I was an inconvenience for them, the freak who brought shame to the wonderful name of Dursley,” he explained sarcastically, glancing at Malfoy.

Draco stared at the ground in front of him. "Did my father really kill that little girl?" he asked in a hesitant voice.

A wall of anger built up in Harry. What right did Malfoy have to question him about his memories? He got to see them and that was enough. "What do you think, Malfoy? He's a Death Eater, one of Voldemort's slaves, of course he murdered the child, and many more I'm sure."

Malfoy visibly winced. Harry studied Malfoy. As upset as the vision had made him, he suddenly realized how it must have felt like for Malfoy seeing his father do something so horrible. "Shouldn't come as a surprise considering what he did to you."

Draco took a shuddering breath. Despite the stomach vial, he still felt sick. Chills coursed through him and his chest hurt again. He looked at Potter and discovered himself under a green-eyed scrutiny.

"What, Potter? You think I deserved it all, don't you?!" he snarled at him angrily. "Well, I didn't! I was little once too and I adored  him; I spent all my life wanting him to be proud of me!"

"I didn't say that you deserved it.” Harry said quietly. "Why didn't you tell someone?"

Draco shouted, "Who would've cared? Crabbe? Goyle?" His icy eyes flashed angrily. "They would have owled their fathers right away and they would have told my father and then I would have been punished for not behaving as a Malfoy heir is expected to. Another beating, maybe the Cruciatus Curse thrown in for the fun of it!" Draco got to his feet, then with a gasp fell to his knees with a hand to his chest.

Harry looked startled. "Calm down, you shouldn't even be out here. I don't know why you are."

With a ragged breath, Draco continued.  "How stupid are you, Potter? I came to thank you for letting me see your memories!"

Harry froze, startled by the admission. If Malfoy wasn’t gasping for air so horribly and wasn’t shaking so badly he would have laughed at the way he spat it out. Despite the situation he couldn't keep the tone of amusement out of his voice. "Really, I haven't heard anything that remotely sounded like you were grateful."

"Thank you! Now shut up, Potter." Draco coughed, fighting against the pain.

Harry took a breath and tried to calm him. "Just try and take some deep breaths. Do you want me to get Snape?"

Malfoy shook his head and faintly replied, "No."

They sat there for a while in silence; the only sound was Malfoy's strained breathing and occasional coughing.

"I'm sorry your godfather died,” Draco said quietly, remembering the horrible rush of emotion that had overwhelmed him during Potter's memory in Occlumency.

The green eyes sparked angrily. "Just shut up about him! You don't understand at all how it feels, losing someone like that when you've never had anyone you cared about in your life! He was one of the few links to my parents. I loved him and I miss him and I don't want to talk about him with you!" Moisture sparkled in his eyes as he turned away.

Anger stirred in Draco again as he shouted, "Don't you think I know how you feel! When I thought Professor Snape had died, I wanted to die! I didn't care if I froze to death out here, or got pneumonia or whatever; if Hermione hadn't found me I likely would have and I wanted to! You know, you saw everything, my mother would have been thrilled if the burden was out of her life and she didn't have to pretend anymore, my father would have been disappointed that his heir was gone and he had no-one to knock down anymore but maybe he would have been happy because the major disappointment in his life was gone!” Draco then blurted out, "Without Professor Snape I had no one! But you, Potter - you have your doting public and just about every professor, even my Snape!”

Harry frowned. "Your Snape? He's not exactly a broomstick or something, Malfoy."

Draco's eyes narrowed icily. "He loves me as if I were his son!"

Harry looked at him. "Well, then, you do understand because Sirius loved me the same way, and I loved him too."

Draco quietened down a bit.

"I'm not trying to take Professor Snape away from you. You know I hated him for the longest time and he certainly couldn't stand me, but we're getting along better now. I think I understand him more and he realizes I'm not my father. He's always honest and straightforward. He's helping to fill the hole in my life that Sirius left."

Draco looked at him warily. "So you feel the same way about him?"

Harry shook his head. "No, of course not. I could never feel the same way that I did about Sirius again. It's different. I did realize though when Snape almost died that I care about him a lot and I would really have missed him."

Draco swallowed and coughed. He said in a voice barely above a whisper, "Thanks for helping to save him."

Harry nodded, thoroughly bewildered.

"Hermione didn't know anything about that strange voice, the one saying that you had to kill the Dark Lord - what was that?"

Harry looked at him, horrified. "You didn't tell her, did you?"

Draco started coughing, and after a few minutes and few gasping breaths he replied. "What if I did? I thought you were all so close, best friends and all that lame stuff."

Potter stayed silent. Draco stared at him. "They don't know, do they? You're keeping secrets from them? Why would you do that? Don't you trust them?"

Harry's green eyes shot daggers at him as he responded slowly in a cool, controlled voice. "It is none of your business!"

"What are you afraid of?" Draco asked, puzzled. "Are you afraid they're going to desert you, stop being your friends because you're supposed to kill the Dark Lord?” he asked in disbelief.

"Just shut your mouth, Malfoy!" Harry hissed. "Do you think I want them to know? Endanger their lives? They almost died when Voldemort tricked me, and Sirius did die! I have enough deaths on my conscience without adding theirs to it! You have no idea how it feels to be responsible for someone's death!" Harry yelled at him, the emotion of those events creeping over him as his throat closed and he turned away, looking at the lake.

"Don't bet on it, Potter. Snape wanted me to go to a potions seminar with him on the Hogsmeade weekend. But my father had sent me a letter and I believed what he wrote so I went to meet him. After what he did to me, Snape went after him. It was my fault he almost died!"

"But he didn't die, did he,” growled Harry.

"Neither did Hermione and Weasley,” Draco responded icily.

Harry took a deep breath. "Are you going to open your big mouth and blab?"

Gray eyes glared. "I should. You didn't keep your mouth shut about what happened to me!" Malfoy sneered at him.

"I only did that so that they’d give you a break. It explained your behaviour over the past five years. That's not an easy thing to look past. After hearing you didn't want to be a Death Eater, we wanted to help you. "

Malfoy sneered again. "I don't need your pity, Potter! I survived 16 years without it!"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, good job you did of it!"

Malfoy jumped up and flew at Harry but Harry was quicker and stronger than Malfoy was at the moment. He easily grabbed his arms and restrained him against the tree.

"Are you insane, you can barely breathe without a coughing fit!” Malfoy struggled and Harry snarled at him. “Knock it off!”

When a flash of pain crossed Malfoy's face, Harry let go of him.

Draco sank to the fround, his chest hurting again, and he had a hard time catching his breath.

Harry sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I did. You are no more to blame over what happened to you than I am. I lost my parents because they died protecting me; I wish it could have been different. I certainly would never have chosen to live with the Dursleys."

Draco breathed deeply, trying to ease the pain. "Was that your mother begging the Dark Lord to spare your life?” he asked in a choked voice.

"Yes, both my parents died trying to save me, but my mum's love kept Voldemort's curse from killing me." Harry closed his eyes, once again hearing his mum's pleas.

Malfoy didn't respond. After a few moments Harry looked over at him. His hands were over his face.

"Malfoy?"

With a tear-laced voice, he spoke. "You are so lucky."

Harry shook with rage at Malfoy's words. "I'm lucky? Because my parents are dead? Just because you may wish yours were dead. If mine had lived they would never have been like yours. My father wouldn’t have beaten me and he would never have been a slave to Voldemort. He died fighting him to the bitter end. I'm not lucky! I would have been lucky if they had lived!"

Malfoy started coughing again. His wrapped his arms across his chest as he hunched over. When the coughing fit died down, he spoke hoarsely. “You’re  lucky because you will always know they died because they loved you so much. I don't even have one memory of either of my parents ever saying they even liked me."

Harry sighed deeply, an uncomfortable feeling gnawing at his insides. He had angrily jumped to the wrong conclusion about what Malfoy had meant. He was so wrapped up in his own misery he forgot what an incredible shock it must have been for Malfoy to re-experience his life during the Occlumency lesson on top of the fact Lucius had almost killed him. "I'm sorry but believe me, it doesn't feel any better knowing they died because of me; it just makes me feel hollow inside. I'm the boy who lived yet everyone around me dies."

Draco sniffed. "I'm sorry." Then he gave a short, bitter laugh. "I never thought I'd say that to you without someone forcing me."

"Does that mean I'm seeing glimpses of the real Draco for the first time?"

"I don't know. I'm not who I thought I would be, my father ruined that forever. I'm not someone that everyone respects and caters to. I'm not powerful!" With that Draco's face crumbled and he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around them as his head dropped down. He sobbed silently; his shoulders shook but he uttered no sound.

"None of us will say anything to anyone. You can go on being Malfoy,” Harry reassured him.

"I won't say anything about you either,” Draco said quietly.

"You're not your father, and that's something to be proud of,” Harry said softly.

__________________________________________________________

Snape looked up, startled, when his door opened and Harry walked in helping Draco. Draco was ashen and his breathing laboured.

"What happened?" Snape asked, concerned, as he assisted Draco onto the bed.

"He came down to the lake to talk to me, and had trouble breathing,” Harry explained.

"You are supposed to be resting, Draco; you could have spoken to Harry when he came back inside,” Snape said softly.

Draco coughed, feeling miserable.

"Hermione, Ron and I will be roasting some marshmallows and having some Butterbeer for New Year's Eve - maybe later if you feel better you could join us for a little while,” Harry offered.

“Maybe,” Draco replied faintly

"Thank you for bringing him to me,” Snape told Harry.

As Harry left, he ran into Dumbledore in the hallway.

The old wizard put his hand on Harry's head. "Professor Snape told me about the Occlumency today. That was a very generous deed. It may not seem like it now but I will assure you, one day it will be repaid tenfold. Of that I have no doubt."

Harry smiled wryly. "Malfoy actually came to talk to me, and in his own unusual reluctant way he thanked me."

Dumbledore smiled. "I am very happy to hear that, I was hoping he would find the strength to do so." His expression changed to one of concern. "Harry, how are you? Your memories must have been painful."

Harry shrugged.

"You know, no one who had the privilege of knowing Sirius will ever forget him, no matter how many years pass. He will forever be a part of your heart, a part of your soul that will not go away."

Dumbledore's understanding words made Harry's throat close and he had to blink quickly. He turned away and took a quick halting breath. He found himself being turned back to face the headmaster. "Focus on the love that surrounds you, from those of us who are with you and those just beyond the veil."

"Sirius loved me not just because I'm the potential savior of the wizarding world; it was real. I still miss him so much,” Harry said with resentment in his voice.

Dumbledore looked at him, concern heavy in his eyes. "Harry, do you believe I only care because of what the prophecy says?"

Harry didn't answer.

"Tell me the truth, please,” Dumbledore persisted.

"If you really cared about me you wouldn't have left me with the Dursleys and you would have told me the truth. You ignored me all of last year because you were afraid of what Voldemort might do to you through me. Aside from Sirius and Hermione and Ron you were the only one I trusted. If you hadn't done that Sirius wouldn't have died." The words he had been harbouring close to his heart for many months finally spilled out.

"I see. Thank you for telling me the truth. I can't argue that part of the reason I force you to return to the Dursleys was because I was afraid that Voldemort would kill you if I didn’t. I don't want you to die, Harry. Your parents didn't want you to die. So yes, I have selfish reasons aside from caring about you; I also care about the light, and I do not want good, innocent people to die at Voldemort's hands. I still believe I have a purpose to stay alive and help you in this battle as much as I can and that's why I kept my distance from you - if Voldemort had possessed you and it was a choice between you under his control killing me or myself having to kill you, I would not have killed you and Voldemort knows that.”

Dumbledore sighed heavily before continuing. “I take full responsibility for what happened to Sirius, and all I can say again is how sorry I am. I am a wizard with some special powers but I still possess all the same foibles that mankind does. I made mistakes last school year and my heart aches for you when I see the pain you are in. But Harry, you must understand that I love you, and it is separate from you being the prophesized savior. In all those years that you were with the Dursleys I have watched over you. You are strong, Harry, and despite their treatment you have grown into an incredible young man who anyone who knows you is very proud of. Your compassion yesterday and again today proves that. Very few people would be able to reach out to someone like Draco and show enough empathy to his situation and help him. You will find that at some point you will have a loyal friend. It will take time. But I believe one day you will remember my words."

Harry didn't respond.

Dumbledore's arms closed around him and in a strained voice said, "I love you like a grandson Harry, and I will do everything in my power to help you and protect you for as long as I am able."

Harry's throat closed, and in a strangled voice he whispered, "Thank you. When you ignored me last school year it really hurt. Over the last four years I had come to think of you as a kind of grandfather."

"Yet when you needed to talk you still couldn't quite trust me. I hope I can change that during this next year. I will also try not to be so protective and to shield you from things you should know. Will you forgive me for that?"

"Yes,” came Harry's muffled voice.

Dumbledore kissed the top of Harry's head. "Now, go and have some fun. I'm sure your father and Sirius are routing for you to get into some mischief in their honour. But not too much mischief or I'll have to hand out detentions."

Harry smiled wryly and headed down the hallway.

********************************************************************

Snape sat on the edge of his bed and applied a warmth package to Draco's chest.

"Are you just having trouble breathing or is there also pain?"

"It hurts,” Draco gasped.

Snape sighed. "Yesterday and today have been a shock to your body." He got up and brought him a small vial.

Draco took it and downed it quickly. He lay back down against the pillows feeling very uncomfortable. His heart was still racing and his chest didn't feel any better. He didn't know what to say to Snape.

Snape looked at the teen. He was terribly worried about him but he was still being so distant. Draco looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here with him.

"You get some rest and I'll be back later,” Snape said to him hesitantly, not really wanting to leave him alone but respecting that the boy likely wanted some time to himself.

He glanced over to him when Draco didn't respond. He lay back on the pillows with one hand over his face.

Puzzled Snape went over to him. "Draco? What's wrong?"

He took a ragged breath and choked out, "I don't know," as a soft sob escaped his lips.

Snape sat down on the bed. "Shhhh, it's ok, your emotions are obviously close to the surface. Draco, you have been through a lot. You were almost killed less than two weeks ago, then that Occlumency lesson brought back a lot of negative memories." He patted his elbow. "I'm so sorry about the Occlumency. I should never have allowed it."

"You were just doing what I wanted,” Draco responded, coughing again.

"Yes, but I'm the adult, I knew even if you didn't want to hear it, how hard it would be." He stroked Draco's hair. "I would have ended the spell right away but I think I was in shock and I froze."

Draco slowly sat up, he still had one hand over his face. Snape could see the tears running down his face.

"Do you still care?" Draco asked between choppy breaths.

Snape's heart almost stopped. "That's not why I didn't end the spell. Your memories made me sick, all those years of abuse from when you were little up till now. I knew your life was hell but I never imagined that Lucius was so brutal, so often. You should have told me."

Draco winced. He felt like Snape was sorry for him but didn't really care anymore. He wiped his eyes. "With my father as powerful as he was, there was nothing you could have done."

Snape saw Draco withdraw again. He knew how badly he was hurting but didn't know what more to say to him.

A knock came at the door. Snape left the room to answer it. Professor Dumbledore stood there. "Severus, I just ran into Harry in the hallway and I wanted to check on Draco - how is he feeling?"

Snape shook his head. "Not so good."

"May I see him?"

Snape nodded and pointed him to the bedroom.

Draco had lain down on his side. His head hurt, his chest hurt, and he just wanted to curl into a ball. Loki came and lay beside him purring; he wrapped one arm around the big cat and closed his eyes.

Dumbledore entered the bedroom and quietly sat down on a chair by the bed. Gently he stroked the pale blond hair.

When Draco opened his eyes, Dumbledore spoke. "I wanted to come and talk to you for a moment. I spoke to Harry in the hallway. I am very proud of you for finding the courage to talk to Harry, exhibiting some humility and most importantly showing some empathy." He smiled at him softly.

No one had ever told him he had courage - that was usually reserved for Potter. The fact that Dumbledore was proud of him caused a wave of something he couldn't decipher to well up inside of him.

In a choked voice Draco responded. "I couldn't at first."

"But you did eventually and that's what counts." Dumbledore looked at him closely. "Something is weighing heavily on your heart; can you talk to me about it?"

Draco shook his head, looking miserable. He winced as he coughed again.

"May I?" Dumbledore asked as he grasped the comforter.

Draco pushed it back, nodding. Soon, through Dumbledore's healing touch, his chest felt a little better and he could breath a little easier.

Dumbledore looked at him with concern. "You know we all care about you, don't you?"

Draco nodded hesitantly.

The headmaster was worried; he knew Draco still felt isolated, frightened and alone. He was like Harry, dealing with traumas that were far too serious for either of them to handle alone.

He stroked Draco's hair again. "I'm going to leave now, but if I could offer one piece of advice…talk to Professor Snape."

Draco swallowed, his gray eyes full of uncertainty.

As Dumbledore left, he patted Severus on the shoulder and whispered in his ear, “He needs you - talk to him, reassure him."

Snape's dark eyes looked at him, full of uncertainty. Dumbledore left Snape's room with a long, weary sigh.

When Snape entered the bedroom, he found Draco curled up on his side around Loki, his eyes closed.

He sat down in the chair beside the bed. Draco opened his eyes and looked at him for a moment then dropped his gaze and stared at the cat. Draco wanted to talk to Snape but what could he say? How could he blurt out, 'I'm sorry I said I hate you because I don't really - oh and by the way do you still love me or do you regret having those papers drawn up?'

Snape looked uncertain. What could he say to Draco? He seemed to have forgiven him for not stopping the Occlumency lesson; he had even made some sort of peace with Potter, yet he was so distant. Did he perhaps have doubts about not living at Malfoy Manor; did he miss all the riches? Somehow he couldn't imagine he would want to live with Narcissa and risk Lucius finding him. Yet he had to ask.

"Do you miss being at Malfoy Manor?"

Draco's eyes grew wide with alarm. "No, please, I don't want to go back there!”  His words came out in a panic.

Alarmed and realizing he had once again said the wrong thing, Snape immediately reassured him. "No, of course you’re not going back there, I just wondered because you seem so uncomfortable here. I am personally thrilled that you are finally free of your parents but I worry that maybe I'm not the person who should be your guardian. You don't seem to be happy here with me. Is there anyone else from the professors whose names are on the papers that you would rather have?"

Draco looked at Snape, whose tone had a note of hurt in it. He shook his head and turned his face into the pillow. He felt Professor Snape's hand on his shoulder and he realized that Snape still cared very much that he hadn't held his hastily-said words against him. With a shuddering sob he sat up and wrapped his arms around Snape's neck, hiding his face on his shoulder.

"Hush Draco, now you are really scaring me; what is wrong?" Snape's heart raced as he felt his shoulder getting wet. He stroked his back and softly pleaded in a low voice. "Please tell me."

After a few moments, Draco shakily said, “After the Occlumency lesson I told you I hated you. I didn't mean it but I thought you didn't care anymore, that you regretted having those papers drawn up, that maybe you would make me go back."

Snape winced and he felt a burning sensation in his eyes as he hugged him closer. "Never, Draco. Nothing like that ever crossed my mind. When I said I love you I meant it. Those aren't words I utter carelessly."

Draco's hard grip on him loosened a little. "What about Potter?"

Snape took a deep breath. "I care about Harry very much, and in some ways perhaps I am also starting to think of him as a son. But Draco, you need to realize that one can love in many ways. Love isn't something that gets used up. There isn't a limit to it. And there are many forms of it - the love a parent has for a child, a man for a woman, a friend for a friend. No matter what you say or do I will keep caring about you and loving you. When you said you hate me, I knew those were the words of an angry, desperate boy. I didn't stop and say, ‘that’s it I now stop caring about Draco.’ In time you will start to realize that love is forgiving, unending, and that even death doesn't stop it."

Draco took a shaky breath, remembering Potter's words about his godfather. He realized that he still loved him even though he was dead. He bit his lip, not knowing what the right words were but knowing they were words he had wanted to say for a long time. "I love you too."

Snape's heart caught in his throat. His eyes filled with tears. Lucius would never know what he was missing.