Previously:

Snape stared at the open door along with his younger self, astounded. This was all it would have taken. If he remembered this meeting with Lily, he knew he would have turned to Dumbledore sooner. He could feel the emotions of his younger self and knew he was having a serious change of heart.

Instead, he foolishly followed the Dark Lord like a good little minion, spying on Trelawney’s meeting with Dumbledore and getting Lily killed.

He didn’t understand. Why would Lily take this memory away? Was she afraid that he would tell Potter of his wife’s infidelity? Before Severus could absorb what he just saw, the room shifted and he once again took his place against a wall.

-333-

Chapter 14: Past Regrets

Young Severus, clad in his black Death Eater robes, stood in an opulent hall with about twenty other similarly dressed men and women. Portraits of blonde ancestors lined the walls, all in ornate gold frames.

“Severus, good to see you,” Lucius Malfoy drawled, shaking Snape’s hand.

He gestured with his head towards a corner of the room and both men retreated to the semi-private area.

“I’m sure you’ve heard of our recent acquisition?” Lucius asked with a grin.

“Indeed,” Snape responded, a gleam of pleasure in his eyes. “It’ll be nice to see James Potter taken down a peg or two.”

“That’s the plan for the evening. The Dark Lord should be here within the hour and then we’ll head down to the basement to have a little fun. Bellatrix is especially excited,” Lucius commented, drawing Severus’s attention to the dark haired woman attached to Rodolphus Lestrange’s arm.

“I’m looking forward to it as well,” Severus sneered. “I’ll let you get back to your hosting duties. I should catch up with Avery. We haven’t spoken in a while,” Snape added.

“You do that, Severus, and try to sober him up a bit while you’re at it,” Lucius said with a shake of his head.

Severus didn’t exactly have a step by step plan when he arrived, but he knew he had less than an hour to rescue Potter and place the blame for his escape on someone else. Now he had the perfect alibi.

“Hello, Avery,” Severus greeted his former classmate.

“Severus!” Avery exclaimed enthusiastically. He clapped Snape on the back, spilling some firewhiskey down his robes in the process.

“I think you’ve had just enough of that swill,” Severus commented as he banished the glass.

“What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?” Avery swore. He reached into his robes for his wand but given his current inebriated state, Snape was much quicker and clasped his friend’s forearm.

“Why drink that cheap filth when you can have century old elf-made whiskey?” Severus asked.

“And where are you planning on getting that expensive stuff?” Avery rebutted.

“The cellar, of course. You have to keep it a secret, though,” Severus whispered into his ear, glancing around the room for good measure.

“Come on, I know where Lucius keeps it,” Severus added, tugging on Avery’s arm.

“Lead the way!” Avery exclaimed, seemingly thrilled at the prospect of imbibing quality liquor.

-333-

“Where is it, Severus? I swear we’ve passed this same spot twice already,” Avery questioned as he and Severus walked down the torch lit passageway of the basement.

“It’s right around the corner. Go on ahead,” Snape answered, gesturing with his head for Avery to walk ahead of him in the narrow corridor.

“There’s nothing here but--”

“Stupefy!” Snape commanded, a jolt of light shooting out of his wand and striking Avery in the back.

“Incarcerous,” he added to be safe, and thick ropes were spun around Avery like a web.

‘Now to find Potter,’ Severus thought as he levitated Avery behind him.

It took him less than five minutes to find the entrance to the dungeons. He spotted Regulus Black guarding the door and quickly stowed Avery behind a nook in the wall before making his presence known.

“Regulus,” Snape said, a bit louder than necessary, causing Regulus to jump and draw his wand.

“Shite, Severus! Don’t scare me like that!” Regulus exclaimed, relieved.

Snape shrugged and gave Regulus a sly grin, “I couldn’t help it. I heard about our recent acquisition and had to come see for myself.”

Regulus smiled, “Come on in,” he gestured as he performed a series of unlocking spells and opened the rusty metal gate.

“The Dark Lord’s ordered us to keep him alive, but he didn’t say anything about his mental state,” Regulus added as they walked past dirty cells.

“Here to gloat, Snivellus?” James mocked, looking up at Snape with one eye, as his left was swollen shut. His face was several different shades of purple and his lip and nose were bleeding. Dried blood was smeared across a cut on his left temple and his right arm was bent towards his chest at an unnatural angle.

“After all these years, I can honestly say this is the one time I’m truly happy to see you,” Snape sneered.

Regulus laughed, “Feel free to have some fun! Just make sure his heart’s still beating when you’re done.”

As Regulus turned away from James, so did Snape.

“Imperio!” Severus growled.

Regulus halted.

Snape had to check to make sure the spell was working, so he quickly came up with a test.

“Break your left hand,” Severus commanded.

Regulus spun around and without warning slammed his left hand into the bars of James’s cell three times. He turned back to face Snape, his left hand bloody and several fingers mangled.

“Very good,” Snape praised. He looked over at James who looked stunned, watching the two with his mouth open.

“When anyone asks you what happened tonight, you are to explain that you let your guard down and James Potter stole your wand out of your pocket. You fought, but he escaped. Now give James Potter your wand,” Snape ordered.

Regulus reached into his pocket, pulled out his wand, and handed it handle first to James.

James quickly stunned Regulus and tied him up, performing the same two spells Severus used on Avery earlier. He murmured a few unlocking spells and the cell door sprung open on his fourth try. He stepped out, confusion written all across his face as he stared at Snape.

“Why would you save me?” James asked.

After a moment’s hesitation, Severus replied, “I didn’t do it for you.”

“What do you want from me?” James asked curiously.

“You saved me from Lupin. Consider us even,” Snape answered coolly.

James began to hand over Regulus’s wand, but Snape stopped him, “You need to take it so Regulus’s story seems believable. No one can know I had any part of this.”

Severus dug into his robe pocket and drew out an empty potions vial. He handed it over to Potter, “Here. It’s a portkey that will take you to St. Mungos. It’s set to go off any second.”

James opened his mouth to say something, but paused, looking as though he was struggling to respond. “Thank you…Severus,” James finally spit out with great effort, right before the portkey whisked him away.

Severus sighed and glanced at his pocket watch. He had five minutes to get back to the hall before anyone noticed he was missing. Stepping over Regulus’s body, he raced through the corridors until he came across Avery.

He levitated Avery out of the basement and through a back door into the rose garden before untying him.

“Enervate,” he incanted, waking up the other man. As Avery regained consciousness, Snape pointed his wand at him once more.

“Obliviate! You will tell anyone that asks that I was with you all night. I took away your drink then we went for a walk in the rose garden so that you could sober up,” Snape explained.

After looking confused for a few minutes, Avery responded, “Thanks for taking away my whiskey. I don’t know what would have happened if the Dark Lord arrived and I was messed up.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Snape responded casually. “Should we go back to the hall?” he asked, before following Avery back to the others.

-333-

The Dark Lord’s response was worse than Severus had predicted.

“Crucio!”

Regulus’s muscles twitched and spasmed, his screams echoing off of the dungeon walls. The Death Eaters stood in silence as the Dark Lord punished one of their top ranking members before their eyes.

With a flick of his wrist, Voldemort ended the spell. Severus watched as Regulus laid panting, sweat dripping from his brow. He concentrated on maintaining his Occlumency shields, knowing he’d be dead the minute the Dark Lord found out the truth. He just hoped his Imperius curse was strong enough to mislead him.

“Legilimens!” the Dark Lord growled, as Severus predicted he would.

The spell was held for what seemed like hours. Severus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and hoping that he wouldn’t meet his end in Malfoy’s moldy dungeon. He heard Regulus stagger against the wall as the spell ended and opened his eyes. To his relief, the Dark Lord wasn’t looking at him.

“You are lucky I still have use for you,” the Dark Lord hissed at Regulus.

“Yes, my lord,” he choked, his voice hoarse from screaming.

“Bring me your elf by midnight tonight,” Voldemort commanded.

“Of course, Master,” Regulus answered as he bowed and shuffled to take his spot with the rest of the followers.

“As for the rest of you,” the Dark Lord sneered, turning his head to look each person in the eye.

“You should have been doing your jobs!” he roared. “But don’t worry,” he continued in a hiss, smiling, “After today you’ll all remember your place.”

“Crucio!” he yelled, striking Avery.

Severus steadied himself for his turn. He knew it would be a long night.

-333-

The memory shifted and young Severus was sitting on the sofa, drinking a cup of tea as he read the Daily Prophet, skimming articles about the New Year celebrations that took place the night before. He was out last night, “celebrating” the New Year with the Dark Lord at a raid in Manchester. They set fire to a Muggle village, torturing any individuals that got in their way.

Severus didn’t just stand by and watch. He had moved up the ranks, taking Regulus’s old position in the organization. Regulus had disappeared a few weeks earlier, amid rumors of dissention between him and the Dark Lord. As such, Severus’s stockpile of potions was quite helpful in the rapid destruction of homes. They were tossed like firecrackers through windows and chimneys, exploding in a fireball of flames and shrapnel. He cursed a number of Muggles as well, but his heart was no longer in it ever since that night with Lily a few months ago.

He had since begun to use the Imperius curse, using it in place of other, more painful spells meant to torture its victims. Last night, he used the curse eight times. It was to spare them further pain, he justified. But he couldn’t get their pleas for help out of his mind. Although he didn’t perform the killing curse, he felt just as guilty as he stood back and watched them die.

Lily’s words replayed in his head. These Muggles were just like her parents, the same people who took Severus in, feeding him and giving him a place to escape from his overbearing father.

His father was direct proof of the type of people the world would be better off without. But the people that he saw on raids, they were different. They protected their children, shielding them with their own bodies. They fought back. They didn’t know about the wizarding world and were quite content to live their lives, unaware of the special gifts bestowed upon a lucky few.

Deep in thought, Severus jumped as a knock at the door startled him. After performing his typical detection and unlocking spells, he opened the door to greet the one person he’d been longing to see for nearly three long months.

“Lily. What are you doing here? Are you all right?” Severus clumsily asked as he stood aside for her to enter.

“I’m fine, Sev,” Lily responded, smiling. “I’ve been meaning to thank you for everything you’ve done for me,” she added as she crossed the threshold and entered the small sitting room.

“Thanks,” she stated as she shrugged off her cloak and handed it to Severus.

He poured her some tea and the two sat awkwardly on the green sofa, an entire cushion between the two of them.

“You know you don’t need to thank me,” Severus spoke, ending the uncomfortable silence.

“Yes I do. James told me what happened. I know you don’t like him,” she started, interrupted by a scoff from Severus.

“That’s an understatement,” he commented, the tension in the room rising.

“Given the animosity between the two of you,” Lily continued, “I really, truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me and my family.”

Severus paled at her use of the word family. She should be his, and he should be making a family with her. Then he noticed the placement of her hands on her abdomen.

“Are…are you…” Severus began to ask, unable to get the words out.

-333-

“Yes, Sev,” Lily smiled, her face lighting up with happiness for a moment, only to change to a look of nervous anticipation, “I’m pregnant. I’m due at the end of July.”

Severus stood, turning his back on Lily. He heard her stand as well before he sucked in a breath. “Congratulations,” he replied, his voice cracking. Inside, his world was falling in around him. Now that she was pregnant, there’s no way that she’d leave Potter.

“That’s actually the real reason I came here today. I was hoping to tell you sooner, but I just found out last week,” Lily spoke nervously.

“When I found out I was pregnant, the mediwitch calculated the date of conception based on how far along I was. She said it was likely the first week of November,” Lily paused, staring at Snape as though willing him to realize something.

“Why are you telling me this? You already said you were with child. I don’t need to know the details of what happened after I rescued Potter…Oh, Merlin,” Severus paled as he realized the ramifications of what Lily just said.

“What…what are you saying? Is the child mine?” Severus asked, trying to comprehend what she was saying.

“Yes,” Lily simply answered.

-333-

Severus clutched at his chest, unable to catch his breath as he fell to his knees. He never anticipated what he just heard. Harry Potter was his son. His son with Lily.

-333-

Lily was still talking. “I haven’t told James that you’re the father. I can’t, at least not now. It would devastate him. I haven’t even told him I’m pregnant yet.”

Lily took a deep breath, as though steeling herself for what she had to say next, “I love my husband and would never leave him, but I thought you should be the first to know. It’s up to you. You can be a part of your child’s life, but on one condition. You have to go to Dumbledore for help and sever your ties with the Death Eaters.”

Severus didn’t know what to think. He was angry with Potter for stealing Lily and now his unborn child and simply confused as to what to do.

“I can’t just walk away,” Severus explained. “The Dark Lord will kill me then he’ll kill you and our baby. I need to stay in his service and finish my Potions Mastery. It’s the only way.”

“It’s not the only way!” Lily jumped up, furious. “Come with me to Dumbledore. I’ve asked him to meet me here in a few minutes. He can help you!”

“How could you do that?” Severus growled, furious. “You don’t understand! I need to stay. My education, my life, and now yours rest on the fact that the Dark Lord trusts me! As long as he values my service, we’re all safe,” Severus tried to reason.

“Headmaster Dumbledore can protect you. Do you really enjoy helping to aid He Who Must Not Be Named in the destruction of hundreds and thousands of families?” Lily pleaded, grabbing on to his upper arms and shaking him, as though trying to knock some sense into him.

“No, I don’t,” he whispered, staring into her shining green eyes. “But it’s the only way. I got myself in this situation and I have to do this to keep everyone safe. Now more than ever,” Severus responded, his eyes shifting to her belly.

“I can’t trust Dumbledore,” Severus continued, pulling out of her grasp. “Not after how he favored Black and his friends.”

“I realize you think you’re protecting me and the baby. And I know you’re used to taking care of yourself, but I wish you would just trust me on this one,” Lily added, disappointment evident in her voice. “You know what I wish you would do. I won’t fight you on this, Sev.”

“But if you won’t quit-” Lily was cut off by a loud tapping on the door. She wiped away a tear. “That’s probably him,” Lily commented as Severus unlocked the door.

Albus Dumbledore stood on the doorstep, clad in a gray pinstriped suit and purple tie. His long hair was secured at the base of his head by a ribbon that matched his tie.

“Mr. Snape, how nice it is to see you today,” Dumbledore greeted with a nod of his head, looking genuinely pleased to see one of his former students again.

“Headmaster,” Severus replied, standing aside to let the man enter his modest home.

Lily nodded to the headmaster, “Thank you for coming,” she greeted, sighing as she took out a handkerchief to dab away the dampness under her eyes.

“Of course, my dear. How can I help?” Dumbledore asked, politely ignoring the emotional tension he walked into.

“Severus has chosen to continue to serve You-Know-Who,” Lily answered bluntly.

Severus stood up straighter and crossed his arms across his chest, determined not to back down. He knew the man well enough to know that he could easily manipulate the situation.

Dumbledore turned his focus on Severus with a look of sadness in his eyes. “I know I have failed you in the past, but I truly wish you would reconsider and give me another chance. You are not the same young, naive man you were when you joined Voldemort’s ranks. That person would not have saved James Potter, regardless of who was asking for your help.”

Being reminded of Potter did not change his mind. If anything, it convinced him that he was doing the right thing. “I know who I am and what I need to do. I’m not going to change my mind. Potter’s on your side and he still got himself captured and almost killed. The Dark Lord protects those who serve him. The protection you offer does not compare,” Severus responded, his final remarks a bit more caustic than necessary.

He wanted the Headmaster’s protection for seven years and was always left to help himself. It was now up to him to keep Lily and his child safe.

“Understood,” Dumbledore responded, his demeanor suddenly cold.

Lily spoke up, deflecting the tension, “Sev, I can’t let that monster find out the truth. That’s why I had the Headmaster come. You need to be Obliviated.”

Severus was shocked at the proposition. “What!” he exclaimed, his anger taking over. “No. My mind is my greatest asset. I’m not taking the risk of becoming a patient in St. Mungo’s spell damage ward,” he continued in a tone of finality.

“I don’t like to boast, but assure you, Mr. Snape, that an Obliviate spell cast at my hand is consistently accurate and will not cause you any harm,” Dumbledore interjected, looking quite intimidating despite his eclectic Muggle attire.

Severus glared at Dumbledore, but didn’t respond. He couldn’t possibly refute the claims of one of the world’s most powerful wizards. But he could try and convince Lily all of this was unnecessary.

“I’ve been studying different forms of magic. I can keep this information safe from the Dark Lord, buried so deeply in the recesses of my mind that he’d never find it,” Severus countered.

“I know you’re brilliant, but your pride is no reason to risk our lives!” Lily exclaimed, her hands instinctively shifting to rest on her still flat abdomen. The movement did not go unnoticed by Severus. She seemed to notice the shift in his gaze and paused, stepping closer to him.

“Are you willing to take that risk? Are you willing to take the chance that You-Know-Who finds out that you’re more loyal to someone in the Order than to him?” She asked, pleading with him.

Severus didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to be Obliviated, but he wasn’t leaving the Dark Lord’s ranks, either. He hated the idea that James Potter would be raising his child. But what else could he do? He wished he was never put in this situation. If only Potter didn’t get his moronic arse kidnapped, none of this would be happening. He wished his life wasn’t so damn complicated.

Severus turned to Lily, ignoring the Headmaster’s presence, “When this is all over, I want to be a part of our child’s life.”

“You will be. I promise,” Lily responded firmly, squeezing his hand for emphasis.

They stared at each other for a moment. Severus squeezed Lily’s hand once before letting go of her and clearing his throat. Even though he did not like it, he knew what he had to do—for Lily and their baby.

“Okay. I’ll do it,” Severus stated, nervously brushing at his robes.

Dumbledore reached into his robes and drew his wand as Lily began walking towards the front door.

At seeing her leave, Severus suddenly became nervous.

“Don’t go!” he blurted, causing Lily to turn around, a look of questioning on her face.

“I’m sorry,” he added hoarsely. He didn’t know what else to say, but his worry must have been clearly visible across his face.

“So am I,” Lily responded, walking back to him. “But I can’t stay here and watch this happen,” she added tearfully. “Thank you for agreeing. Goodbye, Sev,” Lily responded, giving him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Dumbledore readied his wand as Lily had her hand on the doorknob.

“Goodbye, Lily,” Severus whispered as he turned to face the Headmaster.

Lily gave Severus one last glance as she wiped the tears from her eyes and apparated away.

“Obliviate!”

-333-

Before Severus could process what he saw, the memory ended and he was deposited back in his sitting room at Hogwarts. Of all the possible scenarios that went through his head when he received the memory vial from Gringotts, this was not one of hands were shaking and tears threatened to spill from his eyes for the first time in nearly fifteen years.

He was feeling overwhelmed. Harry James Potter was his biological son. That pompous, egotistical, fame-seeking brat was his child with Lily.

Lily. She forgave his horrible behavior. All of this could have gone so differently. If only he listened to her and left the Dark Lord’s service, she would still be alive. She’d still be in his life. Severus scrubbed his face with his hands, unable to get the image of Lily’s pleading face out of his mind.

In one sharp move, he dipped his wand into the Pensieve and brought the memory thread to his temple. The memories hit him like a bludger. He remembered every second of his lost experiences, including his night with Lily, and collapsed on the sofa, unconscious.