Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter is from Harry's POV...
A Private Hell

Harry sat on his bed, his thoughts swirling. The lady had said he might feel better again. For a few short moments every now and then Harry believed in her words. And for the rest of eternity he didn't. How could anything get better? Sirius was dead and the hope for a home had gone with him. Forever. Hedwig was dead. Forever. Well, he had Nephele now. Harry glanced at the owl who patiently sat on the footboard of his bed. He slid nearer to her and petted the soft feathers on her head.

He knew he should let Nephele go hunting. Deep down he knew he was behaving ridiculously, keeping her on his arm length, but he couldn't help it. Last night he had let her go. He had regretted it the second she flew out of the dormitory window. He had spent the following four hours standing by the window, cold and crying. He never ever again wanted to feel the horrible acid of fear consuming him. Who knew what could happen to a precious little animal in a wild night, so near to the Forbidden Forrest?

She, that Scilla lady, had said she made her living off helping sad and hurting people. Who knew Pomfrey had a sister? Harry never realised the Hogwarts staff had families too. Everyone had a family, he guessed, only he, Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-Alone had none - because he definitely refused to count the Dursleys into that classification. Not anymore. Not ever.

He idly wondered if Snape had a family too. A mother Snape and a father Snape, and a brother or sister Snape, all sitting around a table, scowling around like hawks, exchanging sarcastic cutting remarks above a raw meal. Harry grinned; but his amusement quickly turned bitter. At least they were allowed remarks. The Dursleys never let him comment on anything.

"This can't get any better," Harry told Nephele sadly, resignedly. He didn't have to worry about being overheard by his sleeping roommates. He had cast a silencing charm around his bed, as every night since Christmas. "When the summer comes I have to go back to them. You'll have to stay here in the Owlery."

This thought really hurt. He would be alone for two months. It was near unimaginable.

Now, the two days he had had her, he carried Nephele with him everywhere. He had taken her even to Snape's when he went to serve detention. He had expected Snape to get real nasty about it - after the experience with McGonagall he awaited the worst - but the Potions teacher just glanced at him and told him to sit her on a chair rest and go to scrub cauldrons. Snape even hadn't commented on Harry's glancing at Nephele over his shoulder every half minute. Then Snape let him go after three quarters of an hour of work, sending him to deliver a few phials to the Infirmary. It had been the shortest detention Harry ever served. It was odd.

Maybe if someone was acting really weird, people let him get away with a lot. Harry guessed he was behaving a bit odd. He was past caring, though. He wouldn't risk Nephele's life, whatever McGonagall thought about it. His thoughts drifted back to today's Transfiguration lesson.

"Mr. Potter, what is the meaning of this?" McGonagall asked sternly. "We moved from Animal transformation months ago. Let your owl out of the window."

Harry scooped Nephele into his arms protectively. He knew it wasn't the proper way to carry an owl, but he couldn't help it. He stared at the Transfiguration Professor mutely. He heard some Slytherins snickering. He didn't care. Nephele was safe with him. It was all that mattered.

"Mr. Potter!" the older witch exclaimed in dismay and stepped towards him.

Harry panicked and ran out of the door.

"We're in trouble, aren't we," he told her softly. It was surprising, that McGonagall hadn't come to yell at him yet. He had never skipped a lesson before; he guessed it cost them some points and he would get a detention or two. So what. He found that he didn't care. At all.

Nephele hooted at him softly and turned her head to the window, longingly.

"She said some of them talked to her many times before they felt better." he told the owl. He wondered if the Healer knew that he was sad and hurting too. She hadn't asked. She had probably recognised, though, with her professional eye. Why else would she tell him about her work?

"Why else would she say it was also possible to correspond with her?" he asked no one. Was talking to himself a mark of madness? It was nice of her to offer, really.  Or maybe it wasn't. Being famous - he grimaced at the thought - he could never be sure about sincerity of people trying to help or befriend him. And he certainly couldn't keep a private correspondence with anyone. Owls could be intercepted and they also could be hurt by the interceptor. And of course, his being a shrink case would be all over the first page of the Daily Prophet the very next day.

Harry felt the strongest urge to scoop Nephele to him again. He managed to refrain. Hardly. He suddenly wished he could write the Healer. To explain everything and beg her for a piece of advice. He felt more than a bit ashamed about it immediately. He was sixteen. He was supposed to be independent. He had always been independent, for crying out loud!

Nephele hooted again, a bit impatiently this time.

"I won't let you go alone." Harry sighed when Nephele gave him less than a pleased glance. He thought quickly and offered her a compromise. "We could go to kitchen and have more food for you and then I'll take you to the Astronomy Tower if you promise me you won't fly out of sight."

The owl hooted in agreement. Or at least to Harry it sounded as if her tone was agreeable. Maybe he was really barmy. He talked to animals and pretended they understood him.

Harry was standing there, unable to decide what to do. He really didn't want to maltreat his precious familiar, but he didn't want to risk her flying away and dying either. He had evidently spaced out, and only a sharp nibble on his hand woke him up from his musings.

"Do you understand me? Just a little bit?" He asked and sucked his hand into his mouth.

"Whoot."

Figures. Maybe he could ask McGonagall. She, as an Animagus, should know how much animals and wizards in animal form understood human speech. If McGonagall forgave him for skipping her lesson, that is.

Why was she so angry anyway? Nephele would just sit there with her head under her wing, sleeping. Even Snape didn't mind! Didn't McGonagall like animals? Harry suddenly realised he didn't know the Head of Gryffindor house at all. He didn't know if she had a pet, or kids. She could even have grandchildren, given her age. But what was her age anyway?

"Ow!" This time the other hand - the one that wasn't in Harry's mouth, got bitten. He must have spaced out again. He was barmy. And useless.

He pulled his coat over his pyjamas and took his boots; then he offered Nephele his forearm and left the dormitory silently. He didn't have any problems leaving the common room, the Fat Lady was fast asleep, and she didn't wake up.

In the kitchen, the House-elves were thrilled to have a boarder, even thought it was just an owl. They were, of course, a bit sad when Harry refused all food and sweets.

As Harry promised, he climbed all the stairs up to the top of the Astronomy tower. It was a starry night, black as ink, with the stars gently winking at the growing moon. One of them was Sirius. Harry's eyes filled with tears.

Nephele clapped her beak happily, smelling the fresh air and crispy wind, and started to open her wings.

"Nowhere far, Nephele. Keep just as far as I can see you," Harry reminded her with a hint of desperation.

She took off and circled above the tower. She wasn't as well visible as Hedwig would be against the black sky, but it would do, Harry decided. She playfully flied to him, pretending to attack his head. Missing him just by inches, she flew up again, to repeat the process.

Harry watched her happy flight contentedly for some twenty minutes, when he realised that he was freezing. They should get back to the dormitory and get a few hours of sleep, he decided. He yawned, closing his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, Nephele was gone.


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