Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Author's Chapter Notes:
Dear readers,

I know you were all waiting so long for this chapter, and I thank you for your patience. I had problems contacting my beta, but now I hope things will go better. These who also read Harry and his new family I could keep on track about the problems and how far I'm with this story. For those who don't know it already:

1. I have 7 more chapters written for this story already and it is first priority at the moment.

2. I have a homepage now, where you can find Sneak Preview to new stories or long awaited chapters and also all ot of background infos about my stories and myself and all the drawings to my stories. For Cherokee Camp there also are drawings for each character. So please check it out and don't forget to leave me a few reviews over there or a guestbook entry. If the next chapter will take longer than a week to post, I will upload a new preview on my homepage.

Now I don't want to keep you on tenterhooks any longer. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Sunny

Chapter 15 - How to Fight

"Severus, we both know that there are more wounds and that you aren't allowed to use magic at the camp. If you had used magic to heal your wounds, Light Arrow would have noticed. That means they can't be healed very well. Show them to me, Severus."

"You mustn't tell Light Arrow," Severus ordered.

"If you cut yourself, I will not look away, Severus. You are an adult, and I can't speak with Light Arrow about it if it's against your wish, but I want you to tell him. Someone needs to keep a close eye on you to stop you from doing it again. You know the procedure. You won't make it without help. Being an adult doesn't change that fact."

Severus sighed and slowly rolled up his sleeves. What the doc saw caused him to gasp.

~*~

"Severus," Doc Martens said and breathed in sharply.

"It looks worse than it is," Severus tried to assure the doctor.

"Who is the doctor here?"

Severus rolled his eyes.

"They are inflamed, Severus. The heat and your obviously unqualified attempt of healing it has made it that much worse. What have you done, and how did you manage to do it without Light Arrow noticing it?" Doc Martens asked Severus while keeping his patient in view.

Severus blushed and tried to avoid the gaze of the doctor.

"Severus, we both know that Light Arrow has a spell on the camp that alerts when someone is being hurt or uses magic in the camp. So how didn't he notice?" Doc Martens looked sternly at Severus.

"I left the camp," Severus stated sullenly.

"You left the camp to hurt yourself? You planned this?" Doc Martens looked seriously at Severus.

"I'm an adult, okay? Do you think I want to be dragged out of the shed after cutting myself? Merlin, I'm not stupid enough to let them see it! I didn't want to do it; I'm here to help the boys. I don't know why I couldn't control it," Severus said animatedly.

"Severus, you planned this all? You left the camp to hurt yourself? There is no excuse for it. You know it is wrong. Look at your arm. At least the moment you realized that the wounds started to become inflamed you should have told someone or have come here on your own."

Severus looked down. "I didn't think, okay? I won't do it again," Severus said dejectedly.

"And what do you plan to do the next time you feel the need to hurt yourself?" Doc Martens ask Severus while gathering all the instruments he needed to heal Severus' wounds.

"I can control it, doc. It was only one time, and I regretted it afterwards. And I didn't leave the camp just to hurt myself; I was riding on Thunderstorm and took a break on the riverbank. I started to think too much and got depressed. So without even noticing it, I took my wand and cut myself. When I realized what I had done, I tried to heal it. I promise it won't happen again."

"I will first heal the wounds, and then we will discuss this more," the doctor said and started to disinfect the wounds.

While the doctor healed his wounds Severus thought back to his first meeting with Doc Martens.

Flashback

"There is no need to fear me, Severus, I just want to help you," Doc Martens said while gently letting calming magic flow into the tensed-up teenager sitting on his examination table. Severus was shaking from fear and embarrassment.

"Do you want me to get Light Arrow in here as well, Severus?" the doctor asked.

Severus nodded his head frantically. Anything - just not being alone, Severus thought fearfully.

Seconds later, Light Arrow was sitting beside him and held his hand the whole time he spoke with the doctor. His wounds were cleaned and healed quickly, but the worst part was speaking about what he had done and why he had done it. Doc Martens listened very closely to what Severus told him. The first time in his life, Severus didn't feel like a freak, and he had the feeling that Doc Martens understood him. Severus told the doctor that he had the feeling he really need to hurt himself to feel anything in those moments. He told him that one part of him always knew that it wasn't right and that he shouldn't hurt himself, but the urge to do so was much greater and the feeling of relief was overwhelming when he cut himself.

Doc Martens said he understood him, but they will have to find a way that doesn't involve hurting himself so seriously when he feels the urge. He also explained to Severus that he cuts himself because he'd had bad experiences in his past that he hadn't worked out until now. Severus would need to talk about what had hurt him so much that he now thinks he has to hurt himself to get relief; he has to find out what feeling had died in his past that he now tries to compensate for with the pain.

Severus didn't want to talk about his past and what he had done, and Doc Martens didn't push him. He offered to Serverus the option of having him come to the camp once a week to talk with him, and whichever person from the camp he wished to be there with him if he doesn't want to be alone during those meetings. He also encouraged Severus to talk with Light Arrow or White Cloud about it.

"Next time you feel the urge to hurt yourself, I want you to breathe ten times, very deeply, and then think about if you could talk to Light Arrow or someone else to distract you from the thoughts. If you can't do that, I want you to wear those rubber bands around your wrist all the day." The doc pulled the bands over his wrist to show Severus what he wanted from him. "When you can't resist the urge to hurt yourself, pull them like this and let them go." Again Doc Martens demonstrated the action to Severus. The rubber bands made a loud noise when they jumped back against the doctor's wrist, and Severus jumped surprised. "Will you try it?"

Severus nodded and let the doctor put the rubber bands on his wrist. "It will hurt, allowing you to still your urge to hurt yourself, but it won't cast harmful wounds, Severus. I will come and visit you in five days at the camp and you can tell me then if it helped, okay?"

Severus nodded and looked in awe at his wrist. His arm was in a bandage and stung slightly.

"This salve has to be applied twice a day, Light Arrow. In two days you can leave the bandage off and he can shower again - until then, no shower. Please don't cast a drying spell on the arm for taking a shower because I have a permanent healing spell on it, and the spell would interact with my magic. Two days without a shower won't kill the boy." Doc Martens gave Light Arrow the salve and turned to Severus holding a big box of all kind of sweets. "Choose one!"

"I'm fourteen," Severus protested and blushed.

"A very brave fourteen year old boy, I would say. So, would you like one?" Doc Martens held the sweet box directly under Severus' nose.

Severus looked at the tempting sweets and finally couldn't resist taking a lollipop.

End of Flashback

Doc Martens had healed his wounds and bandaged his arms. He rolled backwards across the floor in his chair and rummaged through a drawer. When he was back in front of Severus, he lifted his hand and let 2 rubber bands dangle in front of Severus face. "Still know about them?"

Severus sighed and rolled his eyes. "I have gone through much more pain in my life, doc. You know this. You think a rubber band can take the urge away after I have experienced hundreds of Cruciatus?"

"You told me you are so adult now, Severus. You said you can control it. Those bands shall just help you by controlling the urge. You know it depends on the pressure you put on the rubber band how much it'll hurt. Give it a new try Severus, and don't give up before you have tried."

Severus grabbed the bands from the doctor and pulled them over his wrists. It was a calming feeling to have them on his wrist again.

"You also know that those are only helpers, Severus. You have to talk about what bothers you." Doc Martens wheeled his chair close to Severus and laid his hand on Severus' legs. "Severus, would you like to tell me something else?"

Severus looked away from the prodding eyes of the doctor. "You already know. Light Arrow had already told you about it, hasn't he?"

"He had told me about what?" Doc Martens asked.

Severus sighed. "That I started to drink, what else? But I haven't done it since I've been here, okay? I can control it."

"How are you sleeping?" Doc Martens asked.

Severus stared at the doctor and held his breath. He didn't answer. It felt as if his throat was laced up.

"Severus, why won't you tell me how much it affects you? I can only help you when I know how you feel." Very gently, Doc Martens let calming magic flow through his patient.

"I know the withdrawal symptoms. I can fight them, doc." Seeing the stern look on Doc Martens, Severus said, "Okay, I can't sleep well. I have sweat attacks and my hands often shake, but I will make it."

"Severus, I can help you with this. Don't use it as another excuse to hurt yourself. This way, it won't work. There are medications I can give you to lessen the side effects from the withdrawal. There is no need to do it the hard way. You don't deserve this."

Severus tried to free himself from the hands on his legs. That damn sentence, how much he hated it. Why do they all have to say it again and again?

"Severus, you don't deserve this all," Doc Martens said again and prevented Severus attempt to pull himself away by adding more calming magic. "You don't deserve this."

Severus felt his throat tighten and the tears coming in his eyes. Merlin, that's all too much. I have to leave; Severus thought miserably and tried again to struggle against the doctor.

"Severus, look at me. Nothing you did makes you worthy of this pain. You tried very hard to help so many people, especially those two boys you brought with you to the camp. Light Arrow told me about it. You are a good man and a very brave man. You don't deserve this pain."

"Please, no..." Severus croaked. He hated it when he felt the first tears run over his cheeks. All struggling was useless against the experienced doctor.

Doc Martens reached with one hand up to Severus cheek, resting it there, and repeated the sentence again and again until Severus broke down against him. He steadied the crying wizard and drew calming circles on his back. "It will be okay, Severus. Just let us help you. These boys seem to love you very much, and I know you want to be there for them. You only can help them when you get your own problems under control."

"I know," Severus croaked and composed himself. Doc Martens gave him a tissue, and Severus tried to wipe all the evidences of his break down from his face.

"Let me give you some medications to help you with the side effects," Doc Martens said.

"Okay," Severus said, defeated.

"This one you should take each morning before you eat something and this one you can take when ever you feel your hands shaking. I would like to wait to see if they will help you before I give you something for your sleep problems. Maybe it won't even be necessary if these two medications work well. I will come to check on you in three days. Then you can tell me if you need something for night as well." Doc Martens gave Severus two packages of medications. "Severus you have known Light Arrow and White Cloud for a long time, and you should know by now that you can talk with them about whatever is bothering you. I want you to arrange regular meetings with them to speak about what's going on in your head at the moment and what happened to make you feel so bad now. I would like to come at least once a week to speak with you three together and see how you are doing. Would that be okay with you?"

"I don't want the boys to notice," Severus said fearfully.

"There is nothing to be embarrassed about, Severus. Don't you think the boys would even open up more if they saw that you are working on your problems as well?"

Severus sighed. "Fine, but if we can avoid it, we won't make it too obvious. Okay?"

"As you wish, Severus. Would it be okay if I call Light Arrow in now?"

Severus didn't answer immediately. He had hoped they could skip having this talk under six eyes. Finally, he nodded.

Light Arrow came into the room right at the moment where Severus pulled down his sleeves. He stopped abruptly and stared at Severus.

"Come on, Light Arrow, we need to talk," Doc Martens said and guided the old man over to Severus and offered him a chair.

"Yes, I think we have a lot to speak about," Light Arrow said and drilled Severus with his gaze.

Severus looked at his hands in his lap.

"Severus would like to tell you something, Light Arrow," Doc Martens said.

No, I definitely don't want totell him anything, Severus thought desperately. He didn't say anything and just stared at his hands.

"Why don't you start with what happened on your ride with Thunderstorm." Doc Martens prodded the reluctant wizard.

Severus sighed and then told Light Arrow about his ride and what had happened at the river. The whole time he didn't look up and just stared at his wringing hands.

"You tried to heal it and hide it from us?" The sadness and disappointment could be heard very clearly in Light Arrow's voice, and Severus felt very ashamed.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I promise," Severus said.

"Of course it won't happen again. I won't let you ride alone again," Light Arrow said angrily.

"He is an adult, Light Arrow," Doc Martens said calmly.

"I don't care, doc. He is one of my boys, and I don't give a damn how old he is. He did it again, and he even tried to hide it." Light Arrow was very disappointed and worried. Until now he hadn't realized how deeply in trouble his boy was.

"Severus regrets what he has done, and he knows that he should have come to you or someone else to get help. What's done is done, Light Arrow, now we have to figure out how we will go on. This salve has to be applied twice a day. I'm sure you still know the procedure. I will come to check the wounds in three days. They are in very bad shape, so I want you to change the bandage each time you apply the salve. I will check if Severus still needs the bandage when I visit you in three days. I want you or White Cloud to change the bandage this evening the first time. Then you'll see the damage and from then on you have to watch closely to see if it gets worse. If it does, you need to send for me immediately, and I will come early. Don't try to bring him here; the drive would worsen his condition. There is a timed healing spell on the wounds, so you shouldn't use any magic on Severus except, of course, Rose's magic. Otherwise it would interfere with mine. Severus also agreed to have regular meeting with you or one of the others to talk about what is bothering him. Maybe you could even get Rose in on it. What do you say, Severus?" Doc Martens asked.

"I would prefer Rose over White Cloud. I don't want to worry her more than I already have," Severus said sadly.

"Severus, White Cloud always would be there for you-" Light Arrow started.

"I know," Severus interrupted the old man. "I just would feel more comfortable speaking about some things with Rose, and not with White Cloud."

"Okay, my boy," Light Arrow said calmly again. "I will speak with her and also with Rose."

"Good, then I will see you all in three days at the camp," Doc Martens said cheerfully.

"What about the alcohol?" Light Arrow asked. "Didn't you tell him, Severus?" Light Arrow bored holes into Severus with his eyes.

"He told me, Light Arrow, but all that concerns this therapy he will do with me. He has got some medication he will try until I see him next time. You don't have to worry about that," Doc Martens assured the upset old man.

"I don't have to worry about it?" Light Arrow asked angrily and looked daggers at the doctor.

"Severus is my patient in this case, Light Arrow. Speak with him about what is bothering him and it will help with my therapy with him as well, but the medications Severus get's for his alcohol problem will stay between him and me. You take care about his self-inflicted wounds," Doc Martens said sternly, in a tone that made clear that all argument was useless.

"Anything else I have to watch for?" Light Arrow asked, more calmly now. He knew that Doc Martens was right - the alcohol problem was something Severus had to handle with Doc Martens. Severus never was very strongly addicted to alcohol, yet he had handled the problem last time very well with Doc Martens alone. They had arranged meetings for talking about his problems in general, but never spoke about the alcohol directly. This was nothing Severus brought over him by will like the cutting. The cutting Severus inflicted on himself, so it had to be an open topic in the family. Light Arrow trusted the doctor, and he accepted the rule. He would help Severus with his alcohol problem by talking with him in the meetings, and that was enough to soothe his urge to help him.

Ten minutes later, Severus and Light Arrow were sitting in the truck on their way back to the camp.

Chapter End Notes:
Next chapter will concentrate on Harry and Draco again; and the horses.

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